-:-Warnings-:- Randomly boring dialogue that sets up the following chapter of mass insanity.

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, you know the drill.

Volurin: Thanks for the story recommendation, I hunted it down as soon as I saw it. The portrayal of Sephiroth was just hilarious. xD I always love fics that have Yazoo, Kadaj, and Loz as his "children". Think there's a good fic floating around with that premise, "The Stepfather." I think it's called. It's a Xemnas/Sephiroth fic and since there's such a small category of them it shouldn't be hard to find if you haven't read it already.

Mix Golden Pheonix: …..::Tries to figure out how to slice open a bookcase with a spoon:: Well, as I'm one of the few individuals who've actually cut their heads on the toilet seat, I won't say that getting mauled by a spoon is impossible.

Jewlin-Chan: Xaldin was so born for the James Bond role. xD And I'm glad all the random organization members being thrown are making the people happy-happy. It just wouldn't be a good story without random cameos.

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Marvin Gaye and The Love Monkeys

Or a better title:

In which "those meddling kids" strike again with promiscuous intentions.

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For the past month or so since the hit and run incident, Marluxia had noticed a definite change in the already unusual demeanor of his favorite bartender. Initially he'd thought it was because the man was going through an intense spiritual inspection of his existence in the world, since getting hit by large moving objects tends to coerce the subject of soul searching, but lately, as he'd begun to monitor him more, he had a lingering theory that it was something else.

"I still say he's feeling very small in the vastness of the universe, and that's only because he had his life flash before his eyes." The musician, clad in black from the tips of his boots to the roots of his hair and a plethora of gothic paraphernalia hanging off, upon and around him, shifted his weight and sucked on his lip ring worriedly. "Can you just imagine the angst he's going through? His whole natural order's been called into question. He needs to write a song about it or something-get it off his mind."

"Whatever Shakespeare, I still say he's got brain damage, poor thing." The half dressed amateur actor sighed anxiously, placing a delicate hand to the side of his face as he mused. "I mean really, he's had that spaced out look on his face for the past, what? Month? That's so not healthy. I think a few screws came loose in that accident."

"Too bad. He's such a hot piece of ass too," the Hispanic hairdresser snickered, eyeing the bartender's backside before nudging Marluxia with his hip. "He still single?"

"Tch. Why do you think I've been after him?" He replied, rolling his eyes and smirking, which didn't last very long as he watched the silver haired man continue to pour gin into a customer's glass well after it'd over flown. Narrowing his eyes as he observed him, he noted the rather thoughtful expression he had on his face, not that it was anything new since he was a rather thoughtful individual, but this was a sort of distracted thought, an angsting sort of thought, the kind of thought that you could hit him over the head with a skillet and he wouldn't even know it until a week later.

And to prove the point, the Goddess came down, with a skillet, and smacked Sephiroth repeatedly over the head with it. No response. She shook her head and promptly ascended to The Above.

"Yeah…there's some screws loose alright," the pink haired man said at length, folding his arms over his chest as he pulled himself away from the counter and the cluster of men behind it. "But I don't think it has anything to do with getting hit by a semi." Finishing off a glass of Pepsi the musician had neglected to pay heed to, Marluxia sauntered his way over to his current man of interest and preceded with his diagnosis.

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And somewhere, not too far away, Elijah, Xaldin and Luxord were doing just the same from their perch a few paces from the clinic's reception table, like a cluster of scientists, as they watched the DBAD try in vain to get Xemnas-er Nurse Newt's attention. At the moment, he was practically in her lap, arms threaded about her shoulders, and aside from the occasional sigh, hadn't gotten any further response from his latest interest. Hell! She hadn't even stapled his hand, stabbed his shoulder or bitten his face yet!

This was most distressing to him, and after he'd rubbed his face all up against her cheek, still receiving no response but another thoughtful sigh, he shed waterfalls of tears and slithered his way onto the floor in a depressed puddle, crawling along the tiles towards the three lurking near an empty hospital bed where he promptly reformed himself from an amoeba to a multi-celled organism.

"It's like I don't even exist anymore!" He cried mournfully, still weeping bitterly and tugging at the end of his tie with his teeth. "Not even a slap in the face, nothing! How am I to exist as an invisible being? Invisible to the eyes of my one true love?! I should just end it all!" And out of nowhere, droves of women stampeded from all directions and plastered themselves all over the blonde doctor's body, crying, wailing, cooing, doing all sorts of things that adoring women do to keep Dreamy Blonde American Doctors from wanting to end their lives for love.

"Don't you think you're being a little too dramatic?" Luxord cringed as a woman began licking hungrily at the American's neck.

"Here at Somewhat Specific Hospital, there is no such thing as too much drama," he said with a toss of his peroxide blonde hair. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go stuff my head in a blender." And there he went, dragging along a carpet of screaming women, three violinists following close behind as they played his Exiting Theme Song.

Xaldin twitched his eye. "And you say he's always like that?"

"Actually, aside from myself and Xemnas, most everyone is like that here."

"Thas quite annoyin," Elijah added thoughtfully, then began to jump up and down, ever so excited that he got to make another appearance in the story. But anyway, he had an important mission to complete. "Anyhoo, ah've got an important mission ta complete."

…I just said that.

"Ah know, ah just wanted to give it more meanin by puttin it in dialogue form."

Okay whatever, just move on with it.

And with that force in motion, Elijah, and the two other vultures moved in to closer inspect their spacey silver haired mouse, not at all surprised to see that Xemnas still hadn't noticed them as he was too busy staring into the fluorescent lights and giving himself retinal cancer.

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"Just bone him already."

Sephiroth's brain had a bit of a seizure at that out of nowhere statement, and after he shook his hand and dried it of gin, he turned his head and raised a thin white eyebrow at the smaller man, wearing a baby blue collard shirt, opened at the top, and a pair of black pants and shoes. Seemed he didn't want to advertise himself today.

"I beg your pardon?"

"I said, just bone him already."

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"And why are you under the impression that I'm lovesick?" Xemnas replied coolly, eyes focused on the piece of paper that indicated that he'd be taking on a new job from the Guild. He wasn't sure for what reason they would want him to be a Therapist, as not only was he a bit of a narcissist on good days, but he didn't give two shits about other people's life issues.

"I can see it all over your face Xemmy-kun," Elijah moaned mournfully, resting his pale chin against the countertop, sending Xemnas a sad puppy dog face, and pulled it off rather nicely despite his bandaged eyes.

"He's lovesick?" Xaldin raised an eyebrow turning to Luxord.

"Hey, don't look at me. I know nothing," he said raising his hands defensively.

"Would you all cut it out, I'm not lovesick damnit!" Xemnas growled, folding the paper hurriedly and stuffing it into his shirt. He was once again reminded that breasts were useful for other things then groping. "I'm just tired that's all."

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"Ah, ah, ah! Not with that face you're not. Look at you, you can't even function," Marluxia huffed, crossing his arms over his chest and slouching a bit. "You haven't even doused those two over there yet."

Sephiroth turned to the two teenage boys playing tonsil hockey against the counter, sniffed a bit, then promptly threw a glass full of ice water on them. After they'd scampered away, the bartender turned back to Marluxia with a smirk.

"Not to mention you've been screwing up drink orders left and right. Hell I'm almost afraid to tell you to give me Rum and Coke! I might end up with lighter fluid substitute or something."

Sephiroth scowled. "Like I said before. I'm tired."

"You're more than tired. Face it hun," Marluxia slapped a hand down on his shoulder, giving him a no nonsense look. "You've got love jones and you've got it like bird flu."

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"A bird?" Xemnas bristled irritable, looking from Luxord to Elijah. "Why does everyone insist on equating me to a bird?!"

"Because you've got bird hair."

"I do not!"

"But you make a very attractive bird."

"Shut up Xaldin-"

"Make all the other birdies want to love you long time-"

"I still have that hypodermic needle from earlier. Want me to stab you too?"

Xaldin cringed, not liking the prospect of being stabbed by a pointy object. He rather liked to be on the giving end of stabbityness. "But even so, as of late, you've been acting funky, and the only thing that gets a Nobody funky is something to do with the heart."

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"Alright fine, let's just presume for an irrational moment that I am lovesick," Sephiroth presented, mixing a Daiquiri for himself and his pink haired boss, handing him a glass and leaning against the counter. "Why are you under the impression that I'm hung up over another man?"

"Really?" Marluxia rolled his eyes and took a sip of the drink, licking a corner of his mouth. "You're that dense? Come now, you're practically the only decidedly straight male in this whole establishment. And if it were a woman, you wouldn't be angsting so much. And lately you've been fidgeting a lot more around my customers, more than usual anyway."

"I do not fidget," the swordsman snorted, eye twitching a bit as he doused himself in the sweetened bite of the alcohol.

"You're doing it right now!"

"I'm tired. I fidget when I'm tired."

"No, you get irritable and snappy when you're tired. You also have this habit of tugging at the hair behind your ears and muttering evil things to yourself when you're tired."

Sephiroth stared at Marluxia.

"Yes, I watch you that closely," he smirked triumphantly. "Because you're such a sexy beast."

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"Okay, can we get off the subject of my legs?"

"Yeah guys, Xemmy-kun's still all flumfluxed in the head!"

"I am not flumfustered or whatever you just said. I'm tired. Tired. It happens a lot to people when they work in melodramatic soap opera hospital-angst situations and live in hazardous living environments."

Somehow, Elijah had managed to worm his way over the reception desk and was now sitting in Xemnas' lap, arms about his neck and hugging him very much like a mother hen. For some reason, just because Elijah was so very small, it didn't really bother the man that he was in his space. Maybe it reminded him of a certain blonde haired blue eyed boy, but Number 13, for all his childlike qualities, acted like a 30 year old.

"Well, something's screwing you all up, and I still say it has to do with your silver haired partner."

"Oh please, does every conversation have to include him?"

"Oh, you mean that Sephiroth guy?" Luxord, at having to deal with him and his stubborn attitude for about two more days while he recuperated, knew of the man quite well. "That's his partner?"

"Mhm," Xaldin nodded mischievously, waggling his eyebrows at Xemnas as he grinned. "Superior knows how to catch 'em." And managed to dodge a flying butcher knife as it imbedded itself in the wall beside the group therapy post on the other side of the room.

"Where?...Where did you get that?" Luxord asked nervously, shifting around to gain his balance as Xaldin had suddenly suctioned onto his waist, sweating profusely.

"You'd be surprised what I can keep in this shirt," Xemnas replied coolly, twitching his eye then sighed when Elijah hugged his neck a bit tighter, infecting him with calm vibes, and leaned his head against the reptile-boy's shoulder as he grumbled.

"See, you're doing the thing again." Elijah exclaimed, pulling away from him and poking his nose with a finger.

"What thing?"

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"That thing! You just did it! The Forlorn Pitiful Sigh of The Angst Ridden Male!"

"I do not have an angst ridden sigh. I'm not even angsting right now. I've already had eight of these and I feel so happy I could write songs about it." It was true. Sephiroth, in all his distractedness, and just because the Goddess wanted to know how Seph would act, had consumed a total of eight Daiquiri's with increasingly more alcohol added, and aside from not seeming outwardly buzzed, was beaming all hues of radiant fuzziness at the moment.

"I'm sure you could honey." Marluxia, who usually didn't take too lightly to drunken employees, although it happened occasionally, was going to let this man have his moment of freedom. Hell, if he didn't screw the guy he was freaking out about, the peach haired man had a very convincing way of getting people into motel rooms with him. But seeing as he couldn't wreck a home that he didn't know the address to, he decided he'd keep his evil to a minimum and play the role of cupid instead. He thought he made a rather charming cherub.

"Besides, I can't stand his ass, whiney little bitch," Sephiroth slurred, waving his hand and spilling a bit of alcohol on the floor, which Marluxia resisted the urge to kick him for, but since he was finally letting down his defenses he decided to let it go. "He insists on breaking my rules daily, placing me in awkward positions, and yaps at me like those rats do."

"Chihuahua's?"

"Yes, those things!"

"Those aren't rodents, those are dogs."

"If you can fit it in a coffee cup, it no longer counts as a dog."

Marluxia snickered a bit, shaking his head, but motioned for him to continue anyway, as he did without reservation.

"But anyway, yes, I can't stand him. Little conceited shit."

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"Awwww! Xemmy-kun you don't hate Sephy-kun! Hate is such a strong word," Elijah reasoned sensibly, kicking his legs a bit against the side of the reception desk that the silver haired angst ball was seated behind. He'd been made to move from his seat on Xemnas' lap when he'd very suddenly changed form and sent an old woman into cardiac arrest. "I'm sure he's quite a difficult person to get along with, but he's a very respectable, honorable, and level-headed individual."

"Really? Then we obviously must be talking about two very different people, because last time I checked, my partner was a self-centered, egotistical bastard of a cantankerous old-"

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"-narcissistic, infantile-"

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"-degenerate drag star-"

"Wait? He's a drag queen?"

"No…but he wears leather-"

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"-And if that isn't gay I don't know what is."

"Well, since you don't seem the slightest bit queer, I suppose you wouldn't have a clue on how to spot that in anyone else." Marluxia paused for a moment and then snickered. "But since your starting to smell like one of us, don't worry, if there's anything you need to know, feel free to ask."

Sephiroth scowled. "I don't need any tips from you thank you very much. I think the only reason I'm all screwed up is because I've been working here."

"Ah, don't say that," Marluxia whined with mock hurt, pasting his best I'm so cute you just can't resist me look on his face. "You know we all love you here."

"Yes, you all love looking at my ass," he growled, jabbing a finger at Marluxia's face, or, well, at least at one of them. There were three now. "And don't think I haven't noticed! The musician keeps saying something about a personal session with him, and I don't believe it has anything to do with music!"

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"I swear, I would never do that to you!" The blonde gambler was waving his hands about defensively again, something he was doing very much of lately. "Besides, why on earth would I want to shrink your uniform?"

"Oh stuff it Luxord! When I washed my uniform with you, I distinctly remember putting it in there as a size large, and now it's a size small! Small Luxord. I can't fit all of this in a small!"

Luxord tried to ignore the very alluring way that Xemnas was clutching at his chest, but as he felt the blood leaking from his nose, he felt that his cunning plan was failing. "How would I even go about shrinking your clothing anyway? That Laundromat's pretty big. You were like, eight washers away from me."

"You're crafty Luxord. Why else would I have allowed you into the Organization?"

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"I resent that."

"You resent it because you know it's true." Marluxia tilted his head to one side, eyeing the man currently sprawling his arms over the counter, chin resting against the wood as he stared into the mass of shifting bodies of various rainbow hues. It was rather gay in here tonight, and Sephiroth was feeling rather misplaced with the confusion slowly trying to killing off his jolly-buzz.

"Look, really," the blue eyed man sighed, folding his arms and slouching against the counter beside his bartender. "Just screw him already, whoever he is. You'll feel so much better in the morning."

"Right, because sex solves everything," Sephiroth muttered, rolling his eyes and edged his way away from the man. He could feel his normal demeanor slipping back in, and he needed to get himself away from the knives lest he do something to his boss that he would regret later.

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"Of course it solves everything. Always solved my problems."

"That's because you're a whore, blondie."

"Screw you Xaldin, unlike you, I'm still a virgin."

"Not with your fist you're not."

"Riiight, because you've got such ultra-sensitive hearing that you could hear everything that I did in my room, three halls down."

"The halls echo; and along with the sounds that carried from Marluxia and Axel's room's, every time I went to the kitchen I could hear you in there, beating your dick like it owed you money-"

"Augh! Merciful Heavens! Can we please not talk about this?!" Elijah was trying very hard to get the dirty images out of his virgin head, and distracted himself by trying to get Xemnas to remove his face from the desk he'd currently been slumped over for the past few rants.

The silver haired man was emotionally worn out, which seemed rather peculiar to him because he didn't know what emotion was wearing him out. "Can I please go home now?" Xemnas moaned rather pitifully, like, poor child with no legs pitifully.

"No. We're not leaving until you give us a straight 'yes' or 'no' answer," Xaldin demanded, folding his arms over his chest and sighed, wondering why in the hell he was doing this again. Oh yes, that's right, so his leader would stop acting emo and get back to being his usual catty self.

"No-"

"And you can't say no!" Luxord interjected, stuffing another piece of candy he'd found in the folds of his jacket into his mouth, cringed, then quickly spat it out of his mouth and pawed at the lint clinging to his tongue.

Xemnas raised his head and twitched an eye. "I don't care what you idiots say, I am not having sex with him."

"Why not? You practically went all the way last time."

"That was sexual harassment. There is a very fine line between sex and sexual harassment."

"But they both have the word sex in them, right?" Elijah offered innocently. "Same difference."

"NO, it is not the same difference! Augh!" Xemnas threw his hands up, digging his fingers into his hair and pulling at it as he made a frustrated cat noise. "Am I the only one here who isn't fucking daft?! Have you even listened to a word that I've said?!"

"But you're lovesick, so you're in no mental state to make rational decisions," Luxord nodded sagely, giving him his most docterly look of importance which Xemnas was not impressed by. "Really, there's no hope for you now, but through extensive experimentation, my diagnosis clearly states that leaving early from work, slipping into some lingerie, and getting a good lay to the tune of Marvin Gaye will have you right as rain by tomorrow."

"Luxord."

"Ah, but there are side-effects, of course. Slight pain in the lower spinal region, but not anything a pillow or wheel chair can't take care of."

"Am I going to have to turn you into a Dusk?"

"You can't do that. You're a stiff now," Luxord said triumphantly, paused, as he noted the feral look in his leader's eyes, and then tilted his head anxiously to one side. "Or…can you?"

"I'm still a Nobody, Luxord, and forty bucks says I haven't lost my touch."

"Well…erm…in that case I've got a bet of my own in mind as well, my dear Superior." Luxord's survival mechanism, when forced into a wall, was to make random propositions.

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Sephiroth stared blankly, unamused, at Marluxia, who was just beaming a variety of flowers and happiness that it started to infect the nearest patrons and sent them into fits of passion. After the silver haired man threw around some ice water to shoo them away, he turned back to the man, arms folded, head tilted to one side as he tried to reword the wager he'd been presented with in his brain.

"So…let me see if I have this correct. This bet, for a whole three weeks off of work, is going to revolve around whether or not I screw my partner when I get home?"

"That's exactly what I said."

"Alright good, I just had to say that over again out loud, in my own words, so I could tell you-"

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"-That's the stupidest idea for a bet you've come up with Luxord."

"Oh come on! You know it's a good bet! It's the best I've come up with yet!"

"No, no. Ah, ah, no way." Xemnas wheeled away from the desk a bit, hands raised as he flicked the wrist of one, shaking his head as he wore a non-compliant smile on his face. "There's no way I'm taking this bet."

"And why not?"

"Okay, because maybe, Number 1, it's a retarded bet, Number 2, you're calling my non-existent ability of seduction into the playing field, and Number 3," he scoffed leaning forward slapping his hands on the counter. "Do you think I fell off the turnip truck yesterday? What idiot makes a bet with you?!"

"Eh, so far? About 11 idiots," Luxord said a bit smugly, rocking back and forth on his heels, hands stuffed deep into the pockets of his lab coat as he beamed pleasantly. "And you'll be my 12th idiot if you do decide to take it."

Xemnas gave him a look that could scare a nursery full of children, and, somewhere in the maternity ward of Somewhat Specific Hospital, a chorus of screaming babies erupted out of nowhere and confused the nurses.

"But of course, neh, you're not an idiot my dear superior, because you'll have nothing to loose," Luxord added quickly, adjusting his tie as he began to melt into his shoes.

"He does have a point though Xemnas," Xaldin added, finished with picking invisible lint off his suit, coming around behind the desk and leaned against its edge, arms folded, looking down upon his leader with a fatherly sort of look.

Xemnas eyed him. That look meant that he was thinking about his sanity again and trying to preserve it, and he hated people thinking about his sanity. He was a scientist, and scientists were prone to fits of insanity. Without that, the natural order of the universe would come crashing down.

"Well then enlighten me, how on earth could this bet possibly be beneficial to me?"

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"Well for one thing, you could finally release some sexual frustration."

"I'm not sexually frustrated." Sephiroth gave him another irritated glare, a bit more venomous than the last, and as he caught himself, he took another swig of whiskey, throwing himself back into the happy-buzz once more. "Unlike most, I am able to exhibit self-control."

"Which is why this bet shouldn't be such a problem for you, right? You say you've got the discipline of a monk, and I say you've got as much discipline as a rabbit in heat, and since I have seen you exhibit the discipline of chastity rather well, I don't see what your getting bristly about," Marluxia sighed, pouring himself a glass of water, needing to re-hydrate himself after sucking down all that alcohol, and stepped into the man as he made to walk around him, cutting him off by placing a hand to his chest. "Really, what have you got to loose?" He said softly, long lashes falling partially over his eyes as he traced the tensed muscles in his neck and jaw before catching his hazy green eyes once more. "Or rather, to gain."

Sephiroth breathed gently, rolling the obnoxious thing around in his head for a moment before tilting his head slightly. "A few weeks off would be rather pleasant."

"Mhm, and hey, just because I'm such a sweetheart, I'll even give you pay for those weeks your not here too." Yes, money. That was a thing that lately the Guild had been rather frugal with, and at the moment, aside from what he could scrounge out from his job here as well as the other places he was sent to for menial tasks, he hadn't seen any green carbon based paper for a while. The offer was a very tasty bit of fish in a bowl.

"And all I have to do is practice self-control?"

"Simple as that."

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"And all I have to do is get him to break his self-control?"

"Yep! And not only will I cover for you for the time that you're out, but I'll also see if I can't get you a better uniform."

Xemnas raised his eyebrows, twisting from side to side in the rolling chair, arms folded as he went over this little deal in his head. He was still under the impression that he would be able to function without getting laid, despite Luxord's claims that he'd been mixing up which medicine's went to which patients, but if he managed to get the silver haired man to do him, he'd be able to get in some much needed off time. That and he'd be able to find out a bit more about his neighbors and also how to get rid of their pest problem.

"And I have to do this within the next," he trailed off looking at the clock. 10:30 am. "24 hours?"

"Well, more like 14 really, but yeah, something like that," Luxord nodded cracking his neck before jabbing a finger at Xemnas. "And you have to call me and tell me within that time or else you get nothing," he added impishly, producing a pen and wrote his cell down on a slip of paper he'd torn off a stack of medical records.

"And if I manage to get him to sleep with me, you have to wear my uniform for the days that I'm not at work," Xemnas added at length, snatching the piece of paper and slipped it into another section of his chest.

"Yeah, sure, whatever." Luxord smiled widely. There was no way in hell that Xemnas could get anything to sleep with him, being as his personality was rather over-bearing and, well, having no heart meant it was quite difficult to conjure up the right emotion in which to ensnare your victim. "But if I win, you have to wear whatever I give you for the next three weeks."

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"…"

"What? Are you afraid to dress in drag, my dear sir?"

"No, because I won't be wearing drag, my dear employer, because this bet is already decided," Sephiroth retorted, filling up another glass of whiskey, irritably trying to ignore the way the man kept grinning evilly at him. "So you might as well go find yourself a fuzzy pink collar and a leash, because you're going to be my dog for the next three weeks."

"And while I'm buying myself some doggie ears, I'll be sure to pick up a catholic school girl outfit for you, my favorite bartender." Marluxia was trying very hard not to laugh at the mental image that was floating its way into his head, but as it stood, this man didn't have a clue what he was getting into. As alluring as the idea was of getting to be his dog, literally, for a whole three weeks, the pink haired man had his dignity to think of as well as his reputation.

"So it's a deal?"

Sephiroth eyed the man before nodding sagely, raising his hand to shake his.

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"Yes, it's a deal," Xemnas replied, taking Luxord's hand firmly as a haughty smirk worked its way onto his face. This man had no idea what just hit him in the ass at 50 miles an hour.

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Mille: Yay for filler chapters. :B