Mille: Hey look at that, I updated within a reasonable amount of time!

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Volurin: Yeah, Saix is steadily growing on me as a favorite Nobody of mine as well. He's up there with Xigbar for me. And what is in that envelope. That is indeed the question isn't it? x3

CornCob: Aw, no cry-age. We have to let him be a little shit for at least a few chapters. D:

Jewlin-chan: ::Pokes with stick::

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-:-Warnings-:- More of the same; Sex, drugs, rock n' roll. You know the drill.

Disclaimer: Property not mine, yadda, yadda, monkey's like salt.

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The Downward Spiraling Escalator of Self-Unreliability

Or a better title:

In which Sephiroth goes slightly mad because the plot's getting stickier

----

"Fuck him."

Sephiroth stared, wide eyed, at the steady rise and fall of Xemnas' chest as he slept, mouth hanging open, mumbling something about spiky brown haired busy bodies every now and then. For the past week or so, since the colossal death match that knocked a hole in their living room, he'd been feeling significantly hornier than he usually was. It shouldn't have been any more different than that time that Xemnas, upon getting his new job as a therapist, refused to be touched in any way shape or form, but this was different, much different, in that he'd been having horribly erotic dreams about it, all day and all night.

Well, it wasn't like Xemnas was still being a catty little shit about sex anymore, actually he'd been a bit flirtier if it was at all possible (if you could call getting slapped in the face with packaged steak flirty), and he'd dropped from an 11 to a bristly 7.5 on the Bitch scale. But it was just…that voice…

"Fuck him."

Yeah, that one.

He'd started hearing the subliminal voice about a week ago, around the same time that he noticed a sudden increase in the amount of attractive men coming into The Salty Dog. He'd smiled at eight of them, and was about to give one of them a free drink and a lap dance, on the house, when he caught himself, went back to Stab Mode, and threw cold water at them to shoo them off.

And now here he was, on a Saturday night, about as hot and bothered as a three legged cat in heat and he couldn't make the three centimeter reach to his left in order to sate his desires.

"Fuck him!"

And he was hearing voices, which wasn't unusual for him, but it was a voice he didn't recognize, and in school, they taught him not to listen to strange voices…unless it was Jenova.

Mother?

"Fuck him!"

Guess not.

"You awake?"

Mako tinted eyes flicked to the lazy sleep rung golden orbs eying him at half mast. He looked helplessly delirious, and he wondered if it was alright that he was thinking that it made him rape-ably sexy.

"Yes, I have been for the past 3 hours."

"Mnn." Xemnas slapped a hand over his face, rubbing and clawing at it, as if the motion would somehow jolt his brain into wakefulness through physical facial deformation. Finding that his plan had failed, he gave up and rolled over, crab-nudging his body closer to the general's and curled into his chest with a half hearted yawn.

"There's a hole in our sheets…M'fix it tomorrow."

"…"

"…"

"…"

Xemnas rolled one of his eyes and turned his back to the general. "Creep."

"What?"

"Don't watch me sleep."

"I can't sleep, what else am I going to do?"

"Make coffee? Kill another rat? Scare a kitten? Just don't watch me sleep."

"Why, does it make you nervous?" Xemnas wasn't awake enough to catch the tail end of an evil smirk.

"Stop watching me or I'm portalling you to a Roman orgy."

"That's fine."

"Of men."

"That's fine"

"With syphilis."

"That's not fine, do you want one egg or two? We don't have any bacon, so you'll have to do without that."

--------------

"Do it…Do it…Fuck him…Fuck him."

"Xemnas?"

"Hm?" Xemnas' ass was looking particularly delicious today. It occurred to him that though black slacks were not prime ass-staring material, he was finding it quite difficult to argue otherwise. The dark skinned Nobody was washing dishes in his purple collared shirt, sleeves rolled up above his elbows, wearing a dressier pair of black boots than he usually wore. He was dressed achingly simply today, and the lavender tie dangling loose about his neck was making Sephiroth want to choke him with it as he slung him over the back of a chair.

At the lack of a response, Xemnas turned around and stared at the man at the table, a mug of coffee halfway to his lips, stuck, as if his brain completely forgot that its off day wasn't today. His leg was bouncing impatiently, like he really needed to pee but was too stubborn to admit to it. Raising an eyebrow, he followed his line of site to its destination and twisted his hips with an inviting mischievous smirk.

"Does my sociopath want a post-breakfast treat?"

"Yes, yes, feed me, fuck me."

"No, No I'm fine, I was just thinking that those pants aren't too flattering on you, not that you look terrible in them, they just don't fit you, you know, they don't give you any shape, and you have a shape, I like that shape and I miss it. "

"Oh…" Xemnas looked down at them, quirking his mouth to one side as his mild OCD-ness reared its ugly head. "I was thinking they were a little to loose myself," he said absently, pawing at the fabric around his thighs and sent a series of violent, unseen, spasm through the general. "But that's what you get when you shop at a thrift store…unless you think you could find something better."

Sephiroth believed he'd look better in fishnets and stilettos with bite marks on his legs. "They look fine for now, but you'll probably want to get them tailored, or they'll fall off you, which would be fine by me, but your clients wouldn't appreciate it," he sighed hurriedly, draining the last of his coffee and tossed the newspaper on the kitchen table. He was halfway between slipping a coat on and walking out the door when Xemnas stopped him:

"It's only 8:30 Sephiroth, you don't have to be at work for a whole 2 hours."

"FuckhimFuckhimFuckhimFuckhim-"

"I know." Xemnas was standing in the doorway of the kitchen, one hand on his slouched hip, a dish rag in the other. Sephiroth would've said something clipped and dismissive to that remark, but the image of tying Xemnas to a chair with dish rags and screwing him till he spoke in tongues was distracting his witty retort reflex. "Just thought I'd get there early today. Boss's been halfway up my ass about slacking and-but I have to go, I'll just see you tonight alright? Maybe, I'm not sure, I might have to work late again. I'll bring you home something to eat though if it makes you feel better; Spanish food, you'll like it, I'll like it, we'll be happy, and then we'll have sex, k? Okay, love you, see you later."

Xemnas raised an eyebrow as a trail of frazzled white hair got sucked out of the room with the slam of a door.

--------------

"You gave him Ephedrines?!"

"Well…yeah…he'd been looking tired lately, so I thought I'd give him an energy boost."

"Then give him coffee not drugs!"

"But coffee only lasts so long, Luxord, it wears off. At least this way he'll be a little perky for a long while."

"A little?!" X and XI turned from their respective places at the far end of the bar counter, and watched Marluxia's favorite bartender making out, again, with another spiky blonde haired man with blue eyes. The reason Marluxia hadn't stopped the man was that after two minutes of that, he would pull away with a disgruntled bark, like he did now, and throw a pitcher of cold water on Victim Number X, sending them packing out into the streets. That done with, Sephiroth went back to mixing drinks at a dizzying pace, and somehow managed to not spill a drop. He was even whistling.

"Marly…how much did you give him…"

"Three of those little white tablet thingies about…5 hours ago."

"82mg's of Ephedrine shouldn't be keeping him like this-"

"And then again five minutes ago."

"Marly!"

"What? It was only for this week." He turned away from Luxord to check on a plate of food going out into the crowd. "Oh, no, no, no, this salad looks old, go in the back and see if we don't have any fresh heads of lettuce, and check on the fruit, we're getting complaints about sour peaches!" Marluxia sighed and turned back to Luxord, who was staring quizzically as Sephiroth cut oranges for Margaritta's, three at a time. "We've been busy like this all week, and we needed some hustle. He didn't want to hustle himself, so I did it for him."

"So you gave him drugs…all week long."

"Yes," Marluxia smiled as he turned proudly to his bartender, who slipped in a wink to his boss between juggling newly washed glasses from their racks to the counter. The pink haired man blew him a kiss and turned to Luxord, face dropping blank at his expression. "What?"

"You do realize he could have a heart attack."

"He's dead Luxord."

"Yeah, but he did get hit by an 18-Wheeler and flat-lined for 10 minutes. It might be temporary death, but it's still death, and I'm pretty sure he's going to hate you if he goes into cardiac arrest in the middle of work."

"Why do you think you're here?"

"You promised me free drinks."

"And you wouldn't have come if I hadn't." Marluxia sighed and folded his arms, leaning against the counter as Sephiroth made his way down to their end with two bins filled with dirty glasses

"Hey fairy."

"Hey gorgeous," Marluxia snickered, watching him vanish into the kitchen, dancing artfully around two waiters which he would've run over on any other day. "See? Look how chipper he is, it's like he's a whole new employee I never hired!"

Luxord cringed and twirled his glass of gin and tonic between his hands. "Has he stroked yet?"

"Twice actually, but I don't think he's noticed yet."

"What? That he's limping on his left leg?"

"No…maybe…I dunno." Marluxia pulled a face and sighed, curling a strand of hair nervously behind one ear. "How many times do you think you can die before it starts to seriously damage you?"

"I don't think it works like that. If there's any neurological damage, his dead cells should be able to fix themselves back to the moment when he died, but really Marly, you can't abuse that ability. His body still needs time to heal itself, and having him hyped up on this shit's gonna really screw that up."

"Damnit. Well, it was a brilliant idea while it lasted." They stood in silence, watching the frenzied general looking entirely too pleased with himself and the world to really notice that he was sweating and twitching.

"Now if we could only get him to sit down so his leg will stop spasming."

"Good luck with that." Luxord sighed, shifting uncomfortably in his trench coat, wrapping it tighter around him and looked back over his shoulder. A gaggle of men and three lesbians had been eyeing him since he'd come in wearing Xemnas' white heeled shoes and uniform, and though Marluxia had no intension of giving him free drinks for the entire night, he was too nervous to get up and go back to work with the vultures watching him this closely. "Gimme a phone Marly, I know how to solve this."

--------------

"So…let me get this straight, you're a Tokophobic(1), a Pedophobic(2) and you're pregnant…"

(1): Fear of childbirth

(2): Fear of children

The mousey looking brunette of a woman, large dark eyes, expecting twins, nodded furiously at Xemnas' diagnosis of her case from what she'd been prattling on about for little over 4 hours, or from what he cared to pay attention to. She seemed completely stressed out by the fact that sometimes, during condom-less heterosexual sex, you got results, unlike what the movies tell you, and get stuck with them for 9 months. For the fourth time that day, Xemnas was glad he had a penis.

Sighing tiredly, he tossed his notepad to some corner of the room and leaned forward, beckoning her with a finger. "Come here, I have a secret to tell you….no, closer." He waited till she was practically in his lap, cleared his throat and whispered: "You're not tokophobic and you're not pedophobic."

"…I'm not?"

"No, you're a dumbass."

"Hey bitch, you can-"

"Have you ever had kids?"

"Erm…no, wh-"

"Then how do you know you're a toko/pedophobic?"

"I…don't…?"

"Good answer," he patted her head with a derisive smile. "Now get your ass to the pregnancy options therapist on the 4th floor and quit wasting my time."

"Okay." Slowly, she got up from her chair opposite her former therapist, trying to use all her brain cells to rationalize with herself that her child was not going to eat its way out of her stomach as she'd told him. She was half-way to the door when it flew open and hit her in the face.

A blonde antennae-ed head poked around the door frame, and a pixie's face dropped to look at the crumpled woman on the floor.

"Stupid bitch. Should'a watched where she was goin," Larxene shrugged, nudging the door open as much as it would with an obstruction, and turned to Xemnas with a less than pleasant smile. "Brought you an early X-mas present."

"More paperwork?" Xemnas, despite himself, was casting a worried eye to the woman on the floor. That blow wouldn't be good for the baby…then again, if the kid came out as dim-witted and submissive as her, it might not greatly affect its personality.

"No, something better, because it had the decency to walk itself up here," she said with a nod of her head, stepping aside and shoved Saix into the room with one of her heeled feet. Saix, stumbled for a comical two seconds before catching himself and sent the Nymph a venomous look, which rolled off her like rice paper as she smirked sweetly.

"Saix?"

The blunette snapped his head about, eyes trained on the rising figure of his Superior, looking, oddly, genuinely surprised to see him…or maybe that was just him doing self-projection or something. Either way, reality or not, it didn't help dislodge the grapefruit sized lump that'd gotten stuck in his throat. It was suddenly too hot and too crowded in here. For lack of anything intelligent to say, though he'd practiced what he would say about 12 times in the bathroom mirror, Saix nodded and decided on his usual response, a simple: "Sir."

"What…" Xemnas shook his head a bit. "What are you doing here?" Nothing reprimanding; a friendly inquiry.

"I…I'm…that is," behind his back, Saix was tearing a piece of paper to shreds as he shifted his weight smoothly. "I came to-"

"The Guild sent him here for anger management and psychotherapy."

"Thank you voice box, anything else you want to announce while you're at it?" Saix glowered, again, wishing, for the 10th time that day that he had his Claymore (The Guild detained it after the small riot he'd caused in the Registrar, oh, and kicked a 500 year old child).

"Listen heathen, you weren't movin fast enough, and I've got work to do. I've got 20 some odd kids running about completely unsupervised," Larxene grumbled, staring at her watch and got irritated all over again. "Shit, Judy and Samuel are probably in the glue again. I'll leave you boys alone, I have damage control to dish out."

Xemnas peered around Saix, watching Larxene huff her way down the hallway, barking something about 'No Cheese Newts for a month' on her way around a corner, knocking mugs of coffee out of the hands of three people and ducked through the door.

Silence reigned for a few confused minutes.

"Judy and Samuel?"

"She's a kindergarten teacher," Saix explained.

"…Wonder who decided that."

"The same people that decided that I'd make an excellent florist."

"I'm getting a little tired of the flavor of irony wafting about this place."

"Yes, sir, I couldn't agree more." The Berserker had been staring at a spot on the floor, trying to exert a certain mental will upon it that would allow him to disintegrate and meld through the floor. A short airy laugh brought him out of it, and he raised his head, staring with baffled confusion as he watched the smile that spread over Xemnas' face as he leaned against the edge of his desk, hands supporting his weight.

He'd never seen him smile, no one had, because Xemnas didn't smile. Xemnas was stoic. This was cause for alarm, and a raising of a blue eyebrow. "Sir? Did I…" He looked behind him for a moment at the door, then back to his leader, whose smile had receded but the glow of its aftermath was still brushed gently across his face. "Did I say something peculiar?"

"No, no," Xemnas waved a hand in the air absently. "It's just…well," he almost smiled again, but he looked too distracted to finish the motion. "I've just forgotten how formal you are."

"Oh…" Saix shifted nervously, not entirely sure of what to do and made an unusually contorted face. "I'm sorry?"

"It's nothing to apologize for. It's apart of your character," he trailed off, seeming to want to add more to that, but whatever he was going to add slipped away from him. He sighed, tossing a bit of hair over his shoulder and motioned to the anxious looking yellow eyed man in the doorway. "Well, come in then, I take it from Larxene's end of it, your going to be one of my clients?"

"Ah, yes," Saix woke up then, closing the door behind him and strode over to a chair closest to the desk. He would've sat down, but Xemnas was still standing, digging through folders, probably looking for his file or something, and he would've felt funny about sitting before his Superior had. Old habit. Moving on. "Eh…no one's written me up a file."

"What was that?" Xemnas looked up, and the look of sudden emotion in his eyes made Saix get stuck all over again. What the hell was up with this man? He'd never shown this much animation in his entire drab Nobody existence, well, except when he was monologuing, but those usually took 3 and a half hours, so that didn't count.

Xemnas studied him, eyes narrowed in thought as he tilted his head slightly. "Saix?"

"…?...Oh yes, I was saying that no one has written up a file for me yet, sir."

"Are you alright?"

"…Me?"

"Yes you, who else would I be talking to?" The line of strained confusion tightened the Diviner's jawline, as he realized there was more tease and less stern threading its way into Xemnas' voice at that last comment. A smile tempted to tug at the corners of his mouth again, so Xemnas went back to stacking folders as the search for Saix profile was abandoned to the boonies. "Well, I should've known, M.E.R.C.Y. has this annoying habit of sending me crazy people without any background work done on them."

"Is that why there's a Strawberry Shortcake band-aid on your cheek?"

"Yes, from a blonde woman who should've been sent to anger management." He paused to roll up his shirt sleeve, exposing the ace bandage just below his elbow. "Black haired man, 10:30 this morning; bipolar."

"Impressive," Saix smirked.

"Yes, it'll be impressive if I can get through the rest of this day in one piece," he said rolling his eyes. He'd just sat down when the phone rang. He stared at it, wondering if he'd be charged again for throwing it out the window on grounds that it was a phantom stalker, decided that he didn't want to fork over the money to replace the phone line being ripped out of the wall again, and answered with a lazy "Hello?"

"Xemnas?"

"Yes…" Head tilt. "Why are you calling me?"

"I can't call you at work? You didn't tell me I couldn't call you at work, you should've said that you know, or else I wouldn't have, but you didn't so I'm calling you now."

Xemnas looked up at Saix, who caught the puzzled look and sent him a questioning glance. Xemnas shrugged. "Well, I'm sort of with a client, er, future client, is this something important?"

"Yes, yes, very important. Can you talk now? Because that'd be great, but if you can't that's fine too, I'll just wait for you at home then, okak-wait…hold on… I'm getting light-headed again, give me a minute-"

"Sephiroth, are you alright? You sound…doped."

"Sephiroth?" Saix twitched…a sign of irritation…accented by the grinding of teeth at hearing a presumably male name rolling off his superior's tongue.

"My partner," Xemnas missed the teeth grinding fest, as there was a man hyperventilating in his ear. "Sephiroth…you sound like your going to stroke…"

"I think I might, could you meet me downstairs? Outside? Around the corner?"

"Wait, you're here?" Xemnas rose slowly from his chair to press his face against the glass of his window. From his 3rd floor view, there wasn't anything outside that looked like a silver haired 6 foot plus psychopath dancing about in the streets. Outside of the usual bum yammering about Armageddon, it seemed like a normal over-cast Saturday afternoon. "Where are you, I don't see you?"

After a bit of static the line went dead, and so did Xemnas' pulse, well, figuratively speaking. He was fairly sure the general wasn't screwing with him, because he wasn't a screw with you sort of guy (well, outside the bedroom anyway), and since he'd sounded like he was having a crappy trip, Xemnas figured he should hunt him down and beat him into unconsciousness before he could do anymore damage to himself.

"Tss, of course this would happen in the middle of my day," he spat, snatching his black blazer from the back of his chair and slipped it on as he made his way towards the door, trailed closely by the blue haired wonder, wearing a mix of worried animosity. Saix was just full of contradictory emotions lately.

"Sir, anything the matter?"

"Yes, my partner's a closet drug addict is what's the matter," Xemnas grumbled, leading them through a crowd of people and over to a bored looking receptionist, letting the phone ring, as she filed her nails. "I knew he was a nut, just didn't think he was a crack nut. You, with the hair," he nudged a paper weight on the receptionist's desk to get her attention, who looked up form behind her rectangular frames and gave him a look as interested as a child is interested in its new pet Iguana after the flare wears off. "I want you to put him down in my schedule for the end of this week. A good 4 hour block should be fine."

4 whole hours with the Superior. Saix was trying very hard to think innocent thoughts.

Coming out of himself, he looked to the hand Xemnas had placed on his shoulder, suppressing the urge to suffocate him in the hug he'd been wanting to give him for just about his entire non-existence. It would've been a manly hug, with the whole clapping on the back and all, nothing silly and uke-ish as a school girl's crushing embrace. He was Saix after all, and he had Saix standards to uphold.

"If I don't see you again today, it means I had to go to the hospital to get my partners stomach pumped before he dies…again." Xemnas waited a moment for a response from the man, but he received a shallow nod in return, which he should've expected and also didn't want to expect at all. Nodding in return, Xemnas gave a few people whiplash on his way into the elevator and stabbed 'Lobby' with agitated fervency.

--------------

And still there was no sign of him.

He'd walked up and down the block, spoken to the same three bums who slept in the corners of the building, harassed a hot dog vendor, and still the silver haired schizoid eluded him. Standing on the corner of the street, looking lost and confused, Xemnas slowly began to wonder if maybe someone was playing a tastelessly cliché'd joke on him. Any minute now, Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out of nowhere and proclaim him Punk'd, but Xemnas didn't know who the hell Ashton Kutcher was, so it probably wouldn't happen…though it would be entirely entertaining if it did-

"Would you stop babbling?! I'm trying to shiver anxiously here!"

Sorry Xemnas.

A woman promptly dragged her daughter away from the screaming silver haired lunatic, making a 'tsk'ing sound as she shuffled off.

Maybe he exploded. Xemnas reasoned, turning about in a circle, before making his way down the sidewalk, shivering a bit and wishing he'd brought a scarf. Cold sucked. He was getting to the mouth of an alley when a screeching sounded from some ways off, and upon turning around with a frown pressed upon his face, was just in time to see a plumber's van swerve in front of him, sliding door flying open, and a hand sucking him in as his muffled scream was cut off by the slamming of a door and the revving of an engine.

'Pissed off' was totally not the right phrase to describe Xemnas' current state of mind. We'd need a ludicrous amount of senseless expletives to come even close. He was going to make whoever had the audacity to abduct him regret it, and he'd been kicking and screaming since he'd been spirited away off the sidewalk. Currently he was busy scraping his legs along the floor of the van and chewing savagely into his assailants arm till he tasted blood, despite being shaken violently about and yelled at.

"…mnas!...Xemnas!!"

Screw you, I am the Superior, and you're getting your share of what you bit off, even if I have to shove it down your throat with my foot!

"Xemnas!"

"Shut up and stop talking to me! Just ra-….Sephiroth?" He was going to say something else, just as soon as his brain made the transition from shock to pissed off again, when a pair of lips sucked all intelligence out of his head for a minute. Xemnas was just registering that he was being kissed when he found a tongue in his mouth, and a pair of scalding hands locked about the sides of his face. He squirmed, a muffled screech of protest suffocated by the elated sigh of pleasure from the man currently vampire-ing all his oxygen. The van took a sharp left, and Xemnas took that unbalanced moment to push away from him and give the general a colossal sized bitch slap across the face.

"Ow! What the fuck?!"

"Don't take my lines! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"A lot of things, now shut up and kiss me."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!" Surprisingly Sephiroth didn't attack him again, just sort of stared at him all fish out of water like. Xemnas took a huge breath, letting it out slowly. "Okay…now…let me ask you, with your full and complete attention: Are you alright?"

"I had a stroke today and Luxord says I might have a heart attack later."

"Luxord?"

"Yes, he was at the bar today. Marluxia called him when I had the stroke, I told you about that didn't I? I swear I did, I don't remember-"

Xemnas sniffed pointedly, grasped the pale, blush tinted hands cupping his face, pulling them away and squeezed them tightly. "I'm pretty sure I've said it already, but you're fucking insane."

"And I've been horny and mildly euphoric for an entire week…and manic, and restless, and confused, and it's driving me crazy."

"…Darling." Xemnas tugged at one of his fingers threateningly. Over the past few weeks, Sephiroth had noticed that whenever Xemnas used terms of romantic endearment, it meant he was about to do bodily harm to him, and not in the kinky S&M way.

"I'm not kidding Xemnas, I'm serious, as serious as I can be, it's hard to think; I've got a hard on that feels like a molten lead pipe." He was doing the twitching leg thing again, and Xemnas thought that, with the large blush that'd stained his pale complexion, seeping down into the collar of his work shirt, and the fact that he kept swaying like a drunkard, maybe…just maybe, he wasn't fucking with him.

"…You do look a bit queasy now that I think about it."

"I feel like my brain's going to burst a few vessels. Sex?"

"Wh-what?" Xemnas spluttered. "Here? Now?!"

"Yes. Here. Now. I'm going to pass out-"

"Sephiroth, I'm not having sex in a van!"

"The van is moving."

"Fine, a moving van!"

"Why not?"

"Because it's weird."

"Well, it was better than what I'd originally thought. I don't think my co-workers would be pleased about us having sex in the walk in fridge."

"What?!"

"Forget about it, it didn't happen so don't worry about it, Xemnas please, I swear I'll stroke in a minute and I don't want my whole right side to go this time before I get any."

"But-" The Nobody was going to ask him how the hell he could have a stroke so many times in one day and not feel the affects, but then he had a face full of desperate man in his space. Sephiroth was already tearing his shirt open before he even got the second word out, sucking at his neck with a vengeance only seen in overprotective infants with softball sized lollipops. Faintly, the brush of teeth and tongue along his neck, along the tendon, the dip formed by his collar bone, registered in his mind, and a disgruntled squeak (very un-Xemnas-like) cut out of him as he was forced against the floor of the car.

Visions of the Shower Incident started floating about in his head, and he panicked for a minute as a hand was steadily shaking him out of his pants. "S-Sephiroth-" Wait a minute! Sephiroth wasn't listening, he was too busy trailing feathery wet kisses down his chest, preceded by a hand, insistently pressing along the contours of a tanned stomach, down, wasting no time in reaching their goal and grasping Xemnas' impartial length, massaging in firm circular motions.

If he hadn't been so utterly overwhelmed and heartless he would've cried a river of angst ridden tears. But thankfully, Xemnas is not so overly emotional in that sense, and instead settled upon grabbing a fist full of silver hair and yanking sharply on it.

"Ow! What?!"

"Slow down! Lord, you're acting like you need to get in a quick fuck before the apocalypse!"

"Sorry, it's a side effect."

"Of what?"

"Ephedrines. Luxord said they were in the water I've been drinking all week. They're screwing up my nerves."

"You've had Ephedrines in your system all week? No wonder you're so wired, why aren't you dead yet?"

"Already dead; can we continue please? I have a headache."

"I suppose, just don't give yourself a heart attack half way through."

After recuperating from a sharp right turn, Sephiroth set to work on sucking all the air out of the Nobody's lungs again. Truthfully, with him all hyped up and crazy like this, it was giving Xemnas non-existent irregular heart palpitations, which was probably not a good thing, as he felt like his head was going to fall off and roll up against a crate of monkey wrenches from lack of oxygen. But that was a minor easily overlooked detail in all this.

Halfway through his ardent stale-mate of a tongue war with the man squirming beneath him, a pair of arms wrapped themselves about Sephiroth's neck, accompanied by a leg slung across his back, pulling him, gravitating him closer to him as a throaty sigh on par with a whine left the man struggling to breathe through the onslaught.

If he'd been in a better state of mind, he would've played out his deep seated love of whimpering, helpless, victims, and tormented Xemnas for a full half hour, but he was pretty sure he didn't have a half hour, so he moved on, because constant motion seemed to distract from his brain slowly melting in its own juices. Upon drawing back to suck at his bottom lip, he forcibly detangled one of Xemnas' arms from about his neck and sucked on the first two fingers. Should've bought vanilla ice cream.

Xemnas gave him a snotty look and in irritated growl, not at all pleased that he'd chosen to break their kiss so quickly, and pulled the wild eyed man back down, crushing their lips together, fingers still stuck in the other man's mouth but not seeming to give a rats ass about it. Smirking beside himself, because now Xemnas was mad and distracted, the swordsman wrenched his free arm from between their bodies and latched onto Xemnas' arousal again, making a note to commend him on getting hard in record time, and jerked mercilessly at him.

The first few tugs on his manhood were an unwelcome smack back into the present, but the motion steadily wore on him, bored into him, drilling a hole of repressed want into his abdomen, and he had to pull away from Sephiroth to breath, get back what was lost, slowing loosing itself, getting forced out of him with each commanding jerk of the general's hand in the form of gasps struggling to be words. It didn't seem enough, to simply lurch his hips up into his hand and be sated through the motion, and it was because the swordsman had command of him, guiding his movements in such a way that he no longer had power over them. His hips weren't connected to his brain. They were connected to Sephiroth, his hand, his wrist, his arm, connected to his brain, taking its signals through him.

Watching Xemnas struggle to regain some semblance of a personal rhythm was entrancing and arrogantly thrilling to him, and the frustration was written all over his sweaty tanned face, as with every thrust of his hips that he attempted to regain control, Sephiroth would change his pace all together, forcing his movements in time to his desire. He'd done it because he knew Xemnas would fight it. He would demand to follow his own pace, regardless of circumstance or silver haired hindrance, and he'd wear himself out into climax, which he did thankfully, because Sephiroth wasn't sure how much more his wrist could take.

Xemnas came with a sort of spasming gasp of shock, shaking all over as he struggled against the swordsman's hold on him, both wanting to be close to him, close enough to meld, but wanting to be as far from him as possible, so he could throw something heavy at his head for being an ass. "Mnn…bah-bastard," Xemnas growled between shaky, breathless kisses, hanging off him as he was sure his body forgot it'd possessed bones.

"Shut up, you know you like it," Sephiroth responded lazily, lathering three fingers over Xemnas' abdomen, coating them with as much of his seed as was manageable. Fantastically enough, he was still feeling like he could run 8 miles, so he didn't think twice about shoving his middle and index finger inside the Nobody, pausing halfway inside him as the man started hissing at him.

"Gaa-oooow! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!"

"How many times have I told you to relax? You're going to hurt yourself getting so tense-"

"Shut up! I can't concentrate with you ah-admonishing me!" Eyes sliding shut, he turned his focus inward, in to the burning sensation, lifting one of his hips, rubbing his leg along the other male's heated sides, urging him to continue, and he did, after an agonizing ten seconds of stillness. Slowly, horribly slow, and no matter what sort of squirming he did, no mater how he twisted his hips to meet the fingers probing, searching about inside him, before withdrawing, Sephiroth insisted on his pace and his pace alone.

"Aa-aah huhn—"

"What's that?"

"Nnn…yauhn-You…suck…"

"Well, if you really want me to," Sephiroth smirked as he made to withdraw his fingers, drawing just outside his entrance, ducking his head in time to dodge another slap.

"Don't…You. Dare."

"As you wish," Sephiroth responded darkly, forcing three slickened fingers inside the man, gently, slowly, but with undue force. He found himself entranced with the crescendo of throaty calls, flinching only marginally as nails dug into his back, raking, clutching, as the Nobody's hips were doing; rising, trying to push up against something beside the solid unyielding body above him. Hypnotically he watched him, curling his fingers to brush against a spot that makes Xemnas gasp and shiver, fingers of one hand plucking at the air as he whined, and it occurred to him how easily undone he could be, if any one of his enemies knew how to break this headstrong leader. It was his secret now-Sephiroth smiled- his alone.

Retracting all but one sporadically twitching finger, to which he was tormenting Xemnas' prostate like a kitten attacks a ball of yarn, he loomed over him, watching it drive the golden eyed man into a frenzy of sobbish-moans. Sephiroth changed his pace; sudden, quick, frenzied; slow, unhurried, lazy, and back again, and he was sure that with all the noise he was making, Xemnas was going to either start crying out or begging. He wanted him to, wanted him to need his pleasure, knowing he had no control over it, but any thoughts of that were wrenched from his mind when he yanked sharply on his hair, again, snarling irritably at him.

"Get ON with it!"

"I know I said something about pulling out my hair. I think I said I get to gut you and hang you upside down by your small intestine, does that sound right?"

Xemnas' expression went blank for a moment as he considered this, before he caved under the slightest of movements from the swordsman's finger. He was teasing him. He hated being teased-but he liked it…which made no sense whatsoever. The strain in his re-hardened erection was traveling its way up his stomach, into his throat and onto his face, and he forced Sephiroth back into another hungry kiss, body reheating with its escalated urgency.

Pulling away for a moment, flicking the tip of his tongue against the Nobody's, down to nip at his lips, he hovered over him, absorbing the heat and the lingering taste of something like lunch's root beer, before sliding his finger out of him, slipping a hand beneath his knee and hooked his leg up and around his waist. Xemnas stiffened beneath him and something wanting to be a protest left him.

"What? Really? Now? After all this time you still don't want to go all the way?!"

"N-no, it's not that," Xemnas made a face, squirming uncomfortably. "S'just my back still hurts from when you threw me at the door."

"Oh…" Sephiroth released his hold and allowed Xemnas to situate himself to his liking, much to the general's irritation, but he didn't want to get an earful about it later when he'd pretzeled himself into a hernia. "Better?"

"A little."

"It's a little late to worry about back pain."

"Yeah, well, I'd like to not show up at work in a wheel chair toma-aaahAH!" Sephiroth had noted that Xemnas never paid much attention to things while he was speaking (which was why he hardly noticed any of his members sleeping through his sermons), so he very sneakily positioned himself at his entrance, nudging, pushing, finally thrusting firmly, slowly, inside of him with a much needed groan of pleasure as his warmth drew him deeper. He didn't want to give the man any time to get nervous like he usually did, but he totally wasn't ready for a scream like that. It sounded like 12 cats getting run over on a weak radio frequency.

Sephiroth cringed. "Damnit, I knew you were related to something feline."

"You insidious bastard that fucking hurt!" Xemnas wailed, shivering unhappily, wrapping his arms tightly about the other's neck, trying to strangle him but finding he just didn't have the strength to, what with the throbbing and the burning sensation assaulting his tightened channel. Xemnas was not amused. "Fucking…gah-ah! You miserable rotted shit!"

"Mmm, obscenities, how sexily filthy of you Xemnas."

"Fuck you!"

"Yee—sss, talk dirty to me Xemnas. It pleases the sociopath," Sephiroth purred teasingly, licking along his neck, up the vein, and nibbled the flesh of his earlobe, applying a light pressure. Drawing out of him, just outside his entrance, he forced his way back in, eliciting another surprised, painful yelp from Xemnas along with an expressive expletive mixed with a gasp.

"What was that? I don't think I heard you right."

"Ha-aaah—Sephiroth it hurts what the hells the matter with you?!"

"Hark, is that the melo---dious sound of begging that mine ears heareth?" Sephiroth drawled, accenting each drawn out word with quick fervent thrusts.

"N-aah-a—aa-ah-NO! Xemnas does no-aaa-mnnnaaah!—does not beg!"

"Are you sure? That sounded like a begging tone of voice to me," he hummed menacingly (in a purely affectionate way of course) breaking his sentence off roughly to grip the Nobody's hips tightly and restrained his movements as he dished out a few harsh thrusts on 'begging'.

Oddly enough, despite the fact that he was not pleased at having Sephiroth tease him while he wasn't in a proper state of mind to conjure up a decent witty retort, the masochist in him, which he hadn't known existed till just recently, was having a tough time not enjoying this. He couldn't move, unless Sephiroth willed it, completely at the mercy of the fingers digging sharply into his hips, holding him, binding him to the will of an external body of which he had no control over. It was maddeningly wonderful, and sickeningly erotic. Seemed Xemnas was full of senseless contradictions today as well.

At a point, some part of the general's length brushed just so against that collection of nerves he'd been tormenting him with for 5 minutes, and every fiber of every muscle stiffened at the static knives of pleasure clawing throughout them, a lightheadness cramming his head full of heat and alien sensations.

Sephiroth paused, because it looked like Xemnas had stopped breathing. "Wait…did I?"

"Yes, yes! Mon dieu, there! Again!"

Lifting one of his hips higher, he angled his thrusts, searching relentlessly for that spot within him, noted that he'd struck it again on the third jerking motion when Xemnas screamed something else in French and dug his fingers into his spine. The Nobody was aching all over, didn't have the strength to keep his muscles in a solid state, ascending to trembling and liquid words. He couldn't fight against the general's pace anymore, and whether it's because he no longer can or he no longer wants to is beyond him, but the tight hold on his hips and waist are reassurance enough. So he lets go, basks in the dull pain of erratic thrusts slamming into him as the swordsman nears his peak, his ragged breathe coming in harsh coughs beside his ear, the heat of this mans body, the body of a labeled monster like himself, warming him, filling him from the inside out, and just before the Xemnas comes with a searing wail of rapture, he comes to the conclusion that no other person has ever given him such pain, such grief, such interest and such pleasure as this man has—and he adores him for it.

Sephiroth was probably planning to fuck him so far into next week that it'd take a team of surgeons to pull last Wednesday out of his ass, but after the distinctly peculiar sensation of a stream of sticky warmth surged into him, the silver haired male promptly passed out, and had been thus for the past 15 minutes. In all honesty Xemnas could've gone another round, with a shot of morphine to dull the pain in his lower back, but he also had to work tomorrow so it wouldn't have been a wise decision. He was already unsure of how he was going to stand up and walk without looking like a penguin.

Blowing a strand of sweaty hair from his face, he turned his attention to the psychopath tangled about his waist, using him as an oversized teddy bear as he continued dreaming about whatever Sephiroth's dream about. He didn't want to know. No one wants to know. Squirming about for a moment, Xemnas extracted his arms from beneath his embrace, shaking them to get the blood circulating again, wrapping one loosely about his shoulders, the other running fingers through his hair, along his face and neck. He sighed, grumpily, because he wanted a shower to get Sephiroth off and out of him, and he couldn't get to one 'cause he was still in a goddamn van going who knows where.

"Tss. You couldn't just take me to a hotel like everyone else does, could you?"

Nope, he couldn't, because then Xemnas wouldn't have found him all the more entertaining.

"You're still in my head?"

I'm the damn narrator, its sorta part of the job description.

"…"

What?

"You watched us have sex again."

Yeah?...And?

"Was it hot?"

o.O…What?

"The sex, was the sex hot? Because if it wasn't, I can wake this guy up and we can start all over again."

Ah, er…no, that's okay, it was good sex.

"Just good? I know we can do better than good, Sephiroth wake up!"

Ack no, no, no! It's fine! I actually have a prior engagement to get to! (If you listen closely, the sound of the 4th wall being hurriedly patched back up, accompanied by skittery footsteps, can be heard through the odd curse).

"Offer a voyeur a chance to 'choose their own ending' and they freak and run," Xemnas smirked triumphantly, pressing a gentle kiss to the crown of the slumbering sociopath's head. "Works every time."

--------------

"You think when he sobers up he'll go after Marluxia for the ephedrine thing?"

"I doubt he'll even know it was Marluxia that doped him to begin with. Right about now he's probably going around the bar, spiking water with ephedrine, just to make the circumstances more believable."

"Yeah, that sounds like him."

Luxord fidgeted again in his seat, glad to be back in his usual medical attire of white collared shirt, black tie, pants, and white lab coat, but not at all happy that he'd had the bright idea to have Xaldin abduct Xemnas with a raging Sephiroh cloistered in the back. For at least an hour, the blonde gambler had been flipping through the white noise fuzz of radio stations, trying to zero in on an 80's music station that kept wanting to be Talk Radio every two minutes.

Xaldin had threatened to stab him if he kept touching his radio, even if it was a radio in a stolen plumber's van, and slipped in a burnt CD to distract the blonde from the lilting wails of their superior. It worked for a while, but their thoughts went off the deep end when Date Rape, and Maneater popped up just around his second climax.

There wasn't much for them to talk about, with the sounds of two megalomaniacs doing the horizontal monster mash behind them in the windowless enclosure. Xaldin himself was trying to ignore the itch in his pants, and keep Luxord from climbing out the passenger side window every time they passed a strip club.

Luxord had a licorice stick in his mouth, forgotten. "How long we gonna drive around?"

"Dunno."

My blonde looked quizzically over to him.

"Unless you want to make a sudden stop and explain to Xemnas how we had a hand in this, I'm going to drive around till something comes to me."

"We should've stuck with the guy's freezer idea. It would've made this a little easier."

"No, because I happen to like that place now, and I don't want to have to question the contents of my ranch dressing if I decide I want to go back there for dinner tonight."

"Yeah, well..." Luxord looked at his watch. It was almost 7:30. They'd been driving for 4 hours. "Should I throw some nerve gas back there to knock em out?"

"In another hour or so. I have to pick up a rich cradle robbing old woman and drive her to meet her date 40 some odd years younger than her."

"Ah, sounds scandalous. Want some licorice?"

"No, thank you. I just brushed my teeth."

"Tss, old man."

--------------

Larxene had had a very bad day.

Three times she'd had to pull a toy fire truck out of the same kids mouth, five times she'd had to get some kids to quit eating paste, somehow, one of the kids cut their head on the toilet seat, and she'd just finished scrubbing crayon marks from the wall when a splap of hot pink finger paint hit the space to her left. Fortunately, she was Larxene, and after a brief electric jolt, managed to get The Hooligans under control. They slept for the rest of the day, limbs twitching every now and then.

Now it was close to midnight, because she'd needed the pick me up at the bar, and after walking through the park barefoot, kicking bums and small animals, she was now ready to pass out for the next three years.

If it hadn't been for the morons sleeping on her front porch.

"Listen bitches, I've had a very bad day, and if you don't move your lumps of useless out of my way, I'm scrambling your brains and serving you as snack for The Hooligans tomorrow."

One of the shapes shifted on her front steps, and despite the fact that it was a very large shape, Larxene wasn't at all worried, but this shape, whoever he was (she assumed it was male because if it was an Amazon woman, she just might be fucked), didn't seem like they were too bright. She smiled, for it was her duty to enlighten. Bending her head a touch, the rims of her pupils lit for a moment, a yellow stab of collective energy as she forced all her will into the core of her being, stretching down one of her arms, snaking, rising, and had her hand above her head, ready to slam it into the ground and give this idiot a heart attack he'd never forget, when something small and skittery screamed and flung itself in her way.

She only stopped because she knew the voice, Samuel's voice, and Samuel was a pretty cool kid because he was a closet arsonist with the temperament of a porcupine. It'd be such a waste to fry a potential prodigy.

But that totally didn't explain why he was here, at her house, getting in the way of releasing some pent up work rage. "Sammy?" And it was 4 hours past his bedtime. "Your mom's gonna tear herself a new one if she finds you here."

"It's okay, mom's out with some guy." Divorce's suck. "But Miss Larxene, you can't hurt these guys they need your help! They were looking for you and they said they knew you and the green eyed dude doesn't look so good and he might die and that would totally suck because then I'd have to deal with dead bodies and then this other guy here might cry and be upset." Samuel was the master of comma-less sentences. Dashing to her side and, despite the electric jolt it sent through him, dragged the blank faced little woman over to the figures taking up entirely too much space on her front porch, chattering away like a squirrel on speed.

"Sammy, did you take your meds yet? You need to before I electrocute you and put you into a comma."

"Okay, okay, okay, will do, but you've gotta help these guys Miss Larxene-"

"Damnit Samuel! What the hell did I say about calling me Miss?!"

"Ow! Static! Brain! Sorry, sorry, but that's totally a trivial undercurrent of the current importance of a situation that you're needing to deal with because you can totally fix everything Miss Larxene!" Samuel also used very big words for a 5 year old when he didn't have drugs in his system.

She didn't have time to beat him over the head with the bag slung over her shoulder, because very soon she wasn't really thinking all that much, staring wide eyed, confused as all hell, as Lexaeus raised his head from beneath an impressively large dark cloak wrapped about his frame. His powerful face was lacking in strength this fine damp evening, frazzled, tired, and the gentle being that he was seemed like it had expended all of its kindness in favor of hopelessness for the moment.

"I'm sorry to have bothered you so late at night," he said calmly, "But you were the first one that I was able to find given the time constraints."

"Look, if you're hard up on your luck, then forget it. Its bad enough they're not paying me enough for this gig, but there's no way in hell I'm getting a roommate to-"

"Roommate? Why, what ever gave you such a silly idea. No sooner would I relive high school than, what's the term?-shack up with a sadist."

Sharp blue eyes flicked to the left side of her porch, centering in on another familiar face she wouldn't mind not seeing again. It wouldn't kill her not to see any of them again really, but with the way Vexen looked right now, half-dead…twice, and for the fact that no amount of hard luck was going to turn him into a roaming bum, she figured that maybe there was some plot worthy shit finally going on that required her attention.

"What…What the hell happened to you?"

"Attempted disintegration…I think," he faltered for a moment as it seemed his entire physical form blurred out and in, and Larxene was at his side before he took a nose dive into her azalea's, arms about his shoulders as he moaned tiredly, guiding him to sit back on the topmost step of her porch. He looked distractedly to her, shaking his head, wishing to dismiss her services, uncomfortable with the offer itself. "I'm fine now, just a touch of light-headedness. It'll pass in a moment."

"Oh shut up you damned idiot, you're not fine, you look like the ghost of Christmas past," Larxene spat, pulling her goth buckled jacket off her shoulders and on to his, slipping her arms around his waist to pull him back on his feet. "Trust me, it's not a sexy look for you."

"So I've noticed. Apparently the half-sane scientist or vampire image suits me better."

"Tss, don't believe everything you read in fanfics; I thought you had the PhD to remember that Vex."

"I blame any unintelligence on the half of my mind that hasn't finished reforming itself yet," he sighed, turning his attention to the Silent Hero, standing now, holding another figure in his arms wrapped in layers of cloth and looking overly eager to get under a roof. Larxene found his impatience disconcerting, mostly because Lex wasn't the sort of man to fall to impatience as readily as some of the others, so she nodded curtly and after fighting with the sticky lock on her door, dragged her cargo inside, shadowed by the 5 year old Spelling Bee wonder.

"I've got cider if anyone wants any."

"Thank you kindly, but it might be a night for coffee," Vexen added slowly, turning his sunken fragile face to the yellow haired nut frowning up at him. She quirked her mouth to one side and sniffed.

"I was hoping you weren't gonna say that."

----

Mille: ANGST! But yes, very slowly the dark underbelly of the plot starts to rear its ugly head, but fear not, this won't detract from the humor, since morbidity can always be served with a dash of comedy...'course, then you get a dark comedy, but those are fun too I guess.

Leave me reviews and chicken pot pie:D