Chapter 4: Death Wish

Kíli wandered Erebor, a ghost of himself. When they saw evidence that at least part of the Company survived he'd felt lighter, but then only to find is Uncle lost in the Dragon Sickness. Before they'd entered, Fíli had Bofur and Óin swear to not reveal, how he'd grieved for the fallen elf, nor that he had been clinging to her before Smaug's attack. They at least weren't privy to the Elf Prince's words. Bad enough, Thorin thought he was sulking like a dwarfling at being left behind in Esgaroth. If he knew the truth...Kíli shuddered.

He closed his eyes and remembered her lips against his, at first tentative. The second kiss was sure, and what followed had set his senses on fire. Kíli couldn't remember anything after they'd both come undone until he woke still wrapped around her. Had he passed out after, still joined? He ducked his head and blushed. The princeling may have loved her, but he certainly had not been her lover.

Tauriel had been so ready to push him away after Fíli's insistence he wondered if the binding had not occurred to her. If the only one that could understand what they had done failed to realize it, did it count? Or, was it only acknowledged once it was confirmed a child resulted? It was known he fell in love with her. That wouldn't remain a secret.

If she did not call me husband, there was no marriage. Just a strange courtship. Kíli breathed in deep. That was it. He loved her, he would never deny that.

He could never talk about the child, she had no common name. She existed as a dream in his heart. He'd take her name to his grave.

Hopefully this day.

He stood on the battlements beside the Company as he looked over the armies. They'd brought so much pain to Bard's people and he didn't want to fight Tauriel's people. He'd seek a quick death. Bilbo's betrayal hurt, but some part of his mind could see it was done out of care.

He cheered with the others when Dáin arrived with his army. Maybe, they'd back down now. He watched in horror as the fighting began. Dwarves, Men, and Elves shouldn't be at war with each other. Why? Dragon sickness.

When the orcs charged in he heard Fíli's call to join the battle. He cheered along with his brother and readied to go over the wall. To hear Thorin order them to stand down made his blood boil. He had a fitting target to bring him an honorable death in battle... and now he had to just sit.

He stood as Thorin returned to where they sat idle after brooding in the depths of Erebor. "I will not sit here behind walls of stone while others fight our battles for us, Thorin. It is not in my blood."

And then unexplainably, his Uncle pulled him close, their foreheads pressed together.

"No, it is not," Thorin said, sounding like his old self. "We are sons of Durin, and sons of Durin do not run from a fight."

The cheer that rang in the halls when Thorin called them to follow one last time echoed in his ears. He would stand by his King to his last, he knew as he charged out.

###

Kíli stood beside his brother over their fallen Uncle. Azog and Bolg before them. Bolg, who'd shot him with the Morgul shaft. Kíli's quiver was long empty, but his sword was in hand. His vision went red with rage as he charged the great orc. He heard Fíli charge Azog, who they'd already driven back. Thorin's sword still through his gut. He sent a prayer to Mahal, Let Fíli prevail; let us save Thorin.

He fought fiercely, ignoring his wounds as he threw himself over and over at Bolg.

And he welcomed the fire burning through his gut as he lost consciousness.

###

He blinked his eyes open to find himself in a large bed in a stone room. "Welcome back, Nadadith. We were worried you would never wake." Fíli. Fíli is here.

"You should've let me die." Kíli turned from his brother.

Fíli sighed deeply. "I'm selfish. I need you by my side. To be my Commander as I put this Kingdom back together."

Kíli turned back. "Uncle?"

"He's dead Kíli." He felt his brother's hand squeezing his. "Died of his injuries. We were beginning to think you would join him."

"Then just let me go do it."

"That's your grief talking, Nadadith." He sat on the bed and pulled his brother into his arms. "Kíli, I can't do this without you. I need you...you need me. I'll help you."

Kíli could feel his brother's nervous tension. It was so unlike Fíli, who was always his foundation. The thought of Fíli having to go on alone brought Kíli back to the here and now. Made him realize he was also Fíli's foundation. Is he Erebor's ruler now?

He thought back to their Uncle's stories. He glimpsed the future Thorin had hoped for. Their rightful place among the great Dwarf Lords, matches made for noble lady wives, the promise of children born to the restored House of Durin...

His thoughts went still. Tauriel...their daughter, never to be born. He felt emptiness inside. That grand life was for Fíli, maybe, but what lass would take him now? And how could he ever love another?

"I am not worthy of this," he whispered his head bowed.

Fíli pulled back and raised his brother's chin to look him in his eyes. "Would you let your King decide that?"

Kíli looked at him. King. Lord of Erebor.

They grabbed each other's shoulders and touched foreheads. Fíli, King Under the Mountain, Kíli realized. His heart filled with pride. King Fíli, my brother.

The price had been too high. The victory was bittersweet at best.

But, there was work to do. And it truly was not in his blood let Fíli do it alone.

A/N: This went faster than I though it was going to, as it was already written and just in need of final revision for each chapter before posting. There is an epilogue that will follow to tie it more into the future events of the Erebor 3022 stories. If you haven't already, please check out Summerald's Erebor 3022 stories. Any questions left hanging here are answered there. Well, except the details of what happens in the 81 years between.

Thank you Celebrisilweth, Cold Kagome, and Scribe of Erebor for the reveiws. :-)

Thank you also Cold Kagome for following, and thank you TaurielKili1976 for the favorite and following.

Thank you Summerald for encouraging me to do this after I after I sent the beginning of this too you. Hand on my heart to you.

Nenithiel