A/N- So this one is set in the past again (yeah I know I'm leaving you hanging on that last chapter... but I promise I'll resolve it next time). I am evidently entirely incapable of writing anything approaching a short chapter anymore, but such is life lol. Thanks to everyone for reading and stuff... Extra special thanks on this chapter to The Person Who Read This, who deserves most of the credit for the best parts of this one... ;). Oh and just a disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor am I a meteorologist, so please excuse any medical or weather related errors. And now off to the chapter. I'd say "enjoy" but... well, you'll see...
The Long Winter
The first storm that blew through was the worst anyone in town had seen. Howling winds, heavy snow. Temperatures plunging. By the time it was over it had lasted four days and left Haven blanketed in five feet of white. Miraculously, there had been no major damage to either the people or their property... they'd just started cleaning up the mess when the second one blew in... and this one... this one made the first one look like a friendly sneeze... and then another... and another.
By mid-November, it was clear that it was going to be a long, hard winter, and all any of them could do was try to survive it as best they could...
Alex knew it was bad because she hadn't seen Piper naked for more than three weeks and neither of them had even remarked on it. They were both so god damn cold and exhausted and weighted down with the effort of just staying alive that most of the time they just collapsed into bed at the end of the day and clung to one another for warmth.
Which wasn't to say that Alex didn't occasionally revisit pleasant memories to keep herself warm. She remembered the first time she had seen Piper naked, the way the girls eyes had skirted off to the left (making her look like the 19 year old she was). As though she believed she wasn't good enough for Alex (as though Alex would ever think that). But it wasn't as though Alex could be sore with her feeling that way. Alex had had her own set of anxieties. Piper had seen Alex in all her glory later that same night. They'd been in Alex's bedroom, Piper having rather boldly come down the stairs and climbed straight into bed with her (an act that had been unbelievably alluring in and of itself).
Unlike that afternoon in the barn, they'd had the freedom to take their time. And at some point in the proceedings Piper had said (shyly) "I want to see you..." Alex had braced herself. It wasn't that she didn't want that...but much like her past, her body was full of scars. As far as she was concerned Piper was as close to perfect as a person could get (so fucking beautiful it made her breath catch)...
She didn't have long to be anxious about it. Piper was making short work of her nightclothes... and then, much like Alex had done earlier, she drew back and let her eyes roam over the uncovered skin. Alex kept her own eyes on Piper's face. It was the first time the girl had really seen Alex's right arm, the scar tissue that ran from wrist to just past her elbow. Her midsection was practically more scars than skin: knife scars from her last fight with Stella (say what you would about that bitch, but she was damn good with a knife), bullet wounds (the one in her shoulder the worst, but there were at least half a dozen others). Even the little scars from when she was a kid, from scraps with Cindy or falling off something in the barn. All of it was ugly. And all of it was a marked contrast to the smooth flawlessness of Piper's skin.
Alex was about to ask if she was all right when Piper leaned down and kissed her, then started carefully mapping every one of her scars with her hands and mouth (starting with the one on her face, the one that she'd had when she met Piper in the first place, that Piper had never recoiled from once) and after a moment Alex lost herself to the sensations and the surge of warmth that had as much to do with the fact that Piper was telling her just how little all of it mattered, as it did with how it was making her feel.
When she'd asked her about it later, Piper had said, "I love every single one of them because they're proof of everything you've survived, all the things that tried to kill you but couldn't... because clearly you were meant to be here with me right now..."
The memory made her clutch Piper a little harder as they faded off to sleep in the cold of their room (Celeste had given up pretending she didn't know they were sleeping together, and Piper and Alex had stopped trying to hide it; there were far more important things to worry about). It may have been the coldest winter she'd ever experienced (and she'd experienced some cold fucking winters) but at least she had this...
It was inevitable that they would fight at some point. The relentless cold. The fact that they were so isolated that they really only saw one another and Celeste (who they insisted only work inside the house; and despite her strong objections to being treated like an invalid, she knew she was showing her age, her joints constantly aching, her endurance low, the simplest of tasks, even indoors, draining her quickly). They were usually relatively short fights, brought on by an offhand comment one of them made that would annoy the other. Usually they would either rein themselves in before things got too serious, or Celeste would intervene, telling them stop being so foolish.
But then there came the supply run. The one that Red had come down with Nicky to tell them about the other night. The one that would send a party from Haven East back towards New Litchfield, a journey that would be extremely treacherous with the six feet of icy snow on the ground and the ever present threat of another storm rolling through hovering over them... The one that had been necessitated by the fact that the town was running dangerously low on supplies... The one that Alex had volunteered to go on without discussing it fully with Celeste and Piper...
Piper had spent almost every minute since in a state of high anxiety, trying not to think about how frightened it made her to think of Alex leaving them (leaving her) and not coming back. And, in the absence of alcohol, the only way for Piper to process anxiety was to get angry...
"I don't understand why you have to be the one to go," Piper's tone was annoyed, as though she thought Alex was just fucking with her for fun. They'd been silent for nearly twenty minutes, quietly freezing their rears off as they cleared a path to the stables.
Alex sighed. She was tired of having this conversation. They'd been having it for the past day and a half. It was running around in circles and it was irritating her, not just because she'd already explained why, but because she was already feeling bad enough about leaving Piper and Celeste on their own. She knew they were both perfectly capable of taking care of themselves under normal circumstances, but shit wasn't normal and hadn't been since the first storm all those fucking months ago.
"We've talked about this, Piper," she said, trying to keep her temper in check, "I ain't gonna go over it again…" she sent a shovelful of snow into the pile to her right, not looking at Piper.
"Well, maybe I want to god damn go over it again…"
"My mind's set. Celeste's come to peace with it, why can't you?"
"It's so easy for you to leave us here?" Piper had stopped working and was leaning on her shovel, blue eyes glaring at Alex from under her woolen hat and behind her scarf.
Alex tossed her shovel down in frustration, "No it isn't god damn easy for me to leave you here."
"Really? You could've fooled me. I don't recall you having a conversation about it. I recall you telling us what you were going to do…"
"Because you weren't thinkin' it through rational… you got up and left the fuckin' table when I tried to have a conversation with you about it, if you don't recall..." this last she said in an exaggerated parody of Piper's precise, fancy manner of speaking.
"So you're so willing to ride off into the unknown and leave us here…"
"I'm doing this for the town, Piper! If we don't get these supplies everyone either starves or freezes! It's bigger'n you and me and how fuckin' much we're gonna miss one another…"
Piper scoffed, her temper turning up full blast, "Oh so now you're so concerned about the greater good… as I recall you weren't all that interested in anyone else when you went riding off five years ago! I know how worried grandmother was when you left, how worried everyone was, and you knew it too, but I didn't see it making you so selfless then!"
Alex reared back as though Piper had slapped her, angry and stunned that the blonde would throw the past in her face after telling her it didn't matter (that she was a different person, a better person now)… but also feeling a wave of self-loathing roll through her stomach… it wasn't that what Piper said was false… it was that it was all too true. What she should've done is walked away, let them both take a deep breath… they were on edge: hungry, tired, cold, worried… but for all those reasons the anger and hurt crept up her spine and she acted almost without thinking.
She took two quick steps forward until she was right in front of Piper. The speed of her movement, the look on her face, would've put anyone else off, but Piper was angry herself, and even in the state they were in she still knew there was no chance in hell that Alex would ever raise a hand to her.
When Alex spoke, her voice was low, dangerous, ragged at the edges with anger, "Like you're so perfect, Miss Chapman… you ran away too. Ran away from something so bad you won't even say it out loud…" she narrowed her eyes, "Why don't you tell me what you did, hmm? Or are you afraid to tell me how fuckin' selfish you were when you turned tail and ran from your old life so you could use all us country folk to wipe away your bad fucking memories…"
Piper's eyes were wide, and she looked like Alex has felt just a moment ago: completely taken aback… not just because the words had come from Alex, but because they dug deep into her own insecurities, her own worries and doubts… There were tears shining in the corner of her eyes, and just as fast as Alex's anger had come, it began to abate, the implications of what she had said reaching her…
Before Alex could say anything else, Piper's brow furrowed. She blinked rapidly, swiping angrily at her eyes. "Fuck you, Alex," she said, softly but fiercely, then she turned and stormed back into the house.
Alex spent the next half hour digging through to the stables by herself, all the time cursing her god damn temper. She knew how sensitive Piper was about her past, and she truly didn't even care about what had happened back in Boston, except that she wanted Piper to trust her enough to share it with her. She wanted to be able to be there for her, and it would be hard to soothe her about her past if she didn't even know what the girl had done.
It had always been this way with her when Alex got truly angry. It didn't happen often, but when it did she couldn't always be trusted to be in total control of the things she said.
When she made it to the stables, she found the horses huddled together in the single stall they'd put them in, covered in blankets, just as she'd left them the day before. She carefully portioned out some food for them and fed them, then gave them a quick once over, making sure they were still doing all right. It was relatively warm here (warm enough she could take off her gloves without fear her fingers would instantly freeze). They'd shored the place up as much as they could.
She gave the big black one a pat on his nose, "We're goin' on a little trip in a few days, fella, you'll get a little freedom," she told him.
Alex sighed. It was nearing supper, and she'd finished her tasks out here, but she wasn't quite ready to face Piper yet. The guilt was still lingering, along with some shreds of anger and frustration (why could she not understand …part of the reason Alex was doing this was the debt she owed the people she'd abandoned before, something that had existed long before the blonde had walked into her life).
She sat down heavily on the stool the used for shoeing the horses, exhaling deeply. She pulled off her hat so she could run one still ungloved (but rapidly cooling) hand through her hair, then she moved her glasses up on to the top of her head. She put her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands, trying to center herself the way she usually did when she got this angry with other people. She almost laughed… of course Piper's words would hurt her more than anyone else's possibly could…
She'd probably been sitting there for ten minutes when the door to the stables opened, letting in a blast of cold air, and then closed again. Alex looked up and saw Piper walking towards her, her face drawn and exhausted and sad. She'd clearly been crying (maybe even talking with Celeste). The sight made Alex's heart hurt.
"Piper, I'm sorry, I…"
Piper knelt down in front of her and silenced her with a kiss, soft and fervent, bringing her hands up to Alex's face, her thumbs sliding over the skin there (rough and chapped from the wind and the cold) gently, as though trying to reassure herself that Alex was real. When they broke apart, Alex rested her forehead on Piper's, "I'm sorry…"
She felt Piper shake her head, then the blonde put her arms around her middle and buried her face in Alex's neck. Alex understood. Piper wasn't ready to talk about it… this was as close to apologies as they were going to get at present. Alex slid her arms around Piper's shoulders and they just clung to each other until Celeste came out to fetch them for supper…
That night, they were huddled in the bed with what felt like every single blanket in the house thrown over them. Both of them were wearing every item of warm weather clothing they possessed. Piper was lying on her side with Alex behind her, practically wearing her like another item of clothing. It was the only way they could stay warm at night now that the worst part of the winter had set in.
Most nights they just lay in silence. They worked hard during the day and by the time they crawled into bed at night, they had little energy for much of anything. But on this particular night, just as Alex was on the edge of drifting off into an exhausted sleep, Piper said (in a voice so soft that at first Alex wasn't entirely certain she'd said anything at all), "I nearly killed someone."
Alex found herself suddenly alert. She burrowed in closer to Piper (it was barely possible given how near to one another they already were), "Darlin', you don't have to..."
"No. Earlier today... I was... I was unkind to you. I hurt you..."
Alex was silent a moment. She wouldn't deny that Piper's words hadn't hurt her some, but she could read the blonde like a book. She knew that, as soon as she'd calmed down, Piper'd regretted saying them. Alex, who made a fine business of never forgetting a slight, had no desire to hold a grudge. She'd known she was prying into a sensitive subject when she'd brought it up... that had been the point. Alex had been angry too...
"You didn't mean to," she said softly.
"My intent makes little difference..." Piper sighed, "I just... I don't like talking about it. It was awful. The most awful thing I have ever experienced. That I've ever done... I came here in part to escape it, to come to a place where no one would know or care about it, and I didn't think I would ever have to tell anyone about it."
" I know a little somethin' about bad memories, Piper... Ain't no need for you to tell me anythin' you don't want to..."
The blonde shifted slightly in her arms and for a moment, Alex was afraid she was pulling away, that she was going to withdraw not just from the conversation but from their bed. But Piper was only turning so she was face to face with her. Her blue eyes were clouded with the pain of the memories, but there was clarity in them when they met Alex's green, "You went through so much worse than I did, but you trusted me enough... cared about me enough to tell me things you would tell no one else, things that hurt you to recall..." she brought her gloved hand up and placed it gently on Alex's cheek. Alex covered it with her own. "If you can find that trust, then I should be able to as well."
"If that's what you want..." Alex could tell Piper meant it. That she had her mind made up as soon as she'd first opened her mouth to speak.
It was the dead of winter and Piper had been drinking. There had been alcohol flowing from every direction at the party. It was a Christmas gathering at their home, thrown by her mother. No expense spared. Meant to impress all in attendance, to show them that William Chapman had the means to put on such an affair and that Carol Chapman had the skill to make it one of the most sought after invitations of the season. Another chance for her father to gladhand all the power brokers in the city. Another chance for her mother to act the sparkling hostess. Another chance for them to parade Piper in front of all the "fine young men" of Boston like a farm animal up for auction...
There had been a time when she had taken on such obligations with a sense of exasperated inevitability, something that was required of someone of her sex and her class. But in the six months since her eighteenth birthday (which had unfortunately coincided with her return from the relative safety of finishing school), the pressure on her had increased a hundredfold. Her mother's lectures had gotten more strident, her criticisms more shrill, her disapproval more obvious. Her friends' daughters had begun getting engaged, she said, why not Piper? Why could Piper not simply smile and spout bland affirmations when a man spoke to her, instead of insisting on correcting him when she believed him incorrect (or worse, expressing her own opinion about the matter he was expounding on)? Why could Piper not endure the presence of men she felt no connection to, who she found bland and boring and appallingly dim? Why... why... why...
It was like a constant buzzing in Piper's head, as though her mother had planted a hive of bees between her ears and they never ceased to torment her, not even when she was away from her. Piper had tried to reason with her, but her mother was not easily reasoned with, and was quite good at ignoring any need or request Piper might have in favor of what she believed Piper needed. Piper felt as if her mother were building a proverbial gilded cage around her true self... that every time she attended a ball or a party or a soiree or accompanied her mother to a tea, every time she smiled and laughed emptily at what some man was saying, every time she repressed the impulse to speak her mind, another bar slid into place... and eventually, the essence of who she was would be cut off forever, and she would spend her whole life acting the obedient wife while inside her soul screamed into the void until it died of despair...
These thoughts could only be drowned out with drink. It was a miracle cure that she had discovered at the formal ball her father had thrown to celebrate her brother Daniel's engagement to some woman from a good family whom Piper could not stand. It had been about three weeks after her own birthday, and her mother had been especially relentless that day. Polly had gotten engaged to an Australian businessman... not entirely ideal (a foreigner was never entirely ideal) but he had money and the means to make more and was connected to all the right people and the event had triggered a flood of criticisms from Carol. So Piper had had one glass of wine, just to ease her jangling nerves. One had turned into two which had turned into half a dozen, until Piper couldn't truly recall exactly why she was so upset in the first place. Of course, it caused her to talk incessantly and act out of sorts, but her mother saw that as simply typical disappointing behavior (and could certainly not judge anyone for drinking excessively).
After that, Piper made a rather large dent in the wine cellar of the host of every party or ball she went to. It didn't necessarily help her catch a husband, and it certainly didn't make her mother any less inclined to criticize, but it certainly made it much easier for her to cease caring.
In the end, though, it wasn't the drinking that was the true problem. It was her temper.
Her temper was never that far from the surface, but she had worked hard to keep it in check, not for her parents, or for its effect on her reputation, but because she knew that when she got angry enough, she might do someone harm. It had happened once or twice at school, and it was only through the intervention Polly or one of her other friends that she hadn't ever done true violence there. But Polly was no longer at her side. She had no allies at all really...
The first incident had occurred in August. She had been drinking all morning, little jots of whatever her father kept in his decanter, sips of her mother's gin stash... just to get her through the day (she couldn't pinpoint exactly when the alcohol became necessary to get her through the day rather than just to get her through the endless stream of "social events"). Daniel had come by to discuss some matter with their father, and had made some offhand unkind comment about her state or her appearance or... something (Piper could not have remembered now, if pressed, what the substance of what he said was). She'd always disliked Daniel and his sanctimonious judgment, the fact that her parents believed him incapable of sin when she knew exactly what he got up to at night...
The comment had barely left his lips when she saw red, and by the time she came back to herself, she was being pulled off of her brother by one of the servants. She'd really only gotten a couple of blows in, one to his gut and one to his face (she'd blacked his eye nicely) before she'd been stopped. Her parents were livid and made it entirely clear just how disappointing her behavior had been (and how, she thought, was that any different from their usual opinion of her?). Daniel was humiliated and essentially began to pretend she did not exist (which was really a blessed relief).
After that, her mother tried to keep a closer eye on her during the day and so she could only keep a mild intoxication going. It was enough to take some of the edge off, but not entirely satisfying in the way being completely lost was. She could only achieve that at the big gatherings where she could slip away from Carol and find a glass of wine. Sometimes she could turn her charm up and even get a servant to bring her an entire bottle of her own.
Sometimes she would lose track of what she was doing and when she came back to herself she would have said something or done something that upset her mother. It began to please her to do such things. It began to be the only time when she was really enjoying herself. By October, her mother was deliberately leaving her at home ("Oh, no. I'm afraid Piper is having those terrible headaches again..."). It became a comfort really. She would retreat to her brother Cal's room and they would play cards together or just commiserate over how restricted their lives were. Her time with her 14 year old brother was the only time she felt like she didn't need the alcohol to function... (and she was painfully aware of just how pathetic that made her life)
Carol couldn't avoid Piper's presence at the Christmas gathering, however. It took place in their own home, and part of the point was to show what a (god damn fucking) happy family they were. And so she was allowed downstairs, and Carol tried to keep an eye on her, but it was even easier to convince the Chapman family servants to give her alcohol because they knew her and they saw what she went through every day. Two hours in she was in quite a state, and was holding court, expounding on some matter of theology in what she considered a rather reasonable and level sort of tone.
She was on quite a roll when a bombastic voice rang out from behind her... it was the good Reverend Healy, well respected man of God. He took issue with her assertions (Piper couldn't even remember what they were anymore), and began debating her. He was accompanied by a small, somewhat wild looking woman, a charity case he had "rescued off the streets" and was teaching to be civilized or some such nonsense (she later learned the woman's name was Tiffany Doggett). At some point the debate became heated. Piper could see both of her parents behind the Reverend, looking horrified, and it only goaded her on. Some of her comments had become personal, and the small woman had risen to defend him. Things escalated quickly, until the little woman laid hands on her, pushing her away from the Reverend, saying something about not tainting him with her heathen's touch...
The second Doggett made contact with her, she saw red again. Unlike the experience with her brother (where she remembered nothing), Piper still had very vivid, very distinct impressions of what had happened... punching Doggett in the jaw, knocking her down, a jolt of pain in her knuckles that she ignores, falling upon the smaller girl, yelling incoherent words made out of pure rage, knocking Doggett's hands out of the way when she brings them up to defend herself, hitting her in the face, once, twice, three times... feeling bones break, feeling something wet and warm and sticky soaking her hand... switching to her left hand as she feels the right one begin to give... someone grabs her by the shoulders, pulls... trying to lift her away... she turns punches them as well, the hands fall away (it turns out later that this Daniel again)... returns to her work... blood rushing in her ears, heart pounding, no sounds but the sickening smack of her fists on Doggett's face... the small woman has gone still now... isn't struggling...
Finally arms wrap around her from behind, gripping tightly, pulling hard. Piper screams in protest... looks down at her handiwork... Doggett's face covered in blood, hardly recognizable... Piper's own fists dripping with it... she struggles hard against the arms restraining her. All she can see is Doggett, all she wants to do is keep hitting her... it felt so good... (when she remembered it, this was the most terrifying part) so fucking good... the tension that had been building up in her for six months (for 18 years?) finally finally FINALLY finding some release...
Someone has to knock her out to stop her from trying to finish off Tiffany Doggett...
Piper's voice had remained steady, calm, almost emotionless as she recounted her story. Her eyes had been unfocused, looking beyond Alex, back into her past, all the way back to Boston.
"After that... well, I rather quickly stopped getting invited to parties of any sort. My father made sure there were no true consequences for me, at least not with the law. They had no idea what to do with me anymore. They considered sending me to an asylum, but as I stopped drinking and rarely left the house after that, they felt like such an action wasn't required. I spent a great deal of time wondering whether anyone would care if I died. It's what spurred me to write Grandmother, which I hadn't done since I had left finishing school. She... she was so supportive... and then when Grandfather died, she asked me to come out here...
"Mother and father were ecstatic of course. But even though she no longer wanted me there, mother made sure I knew that she thought I wouldn't be capable of handling it, that this was a whim, a passing fancy... I wanted a new start... and..." a small smile appeared, lifting a little of the melancholy that had settled into her eyes, "... well, here I am..."
She met Alex's eyes, not entirely certain what she would see there. She knew Alex, for all good natured jabs at Piper's frippery and fancy vocabulary, had some respect for Piper's refinement, her education. Celeste had instilled a love of such things in Alex, of learning and reading, even if she hadn't had a lot of opportunity to indulge it. But she didn't know whether this would somehow alter her in Alex's view. The fact that there was a beast deep within her somewhere, that drink let it out of its cage and that it prowled around the edges of her soul even sober... (no one in town ever provoked her much, but she knew she could snap given the wrong kind of provocation.)
All she saw in Alex's eyes, though, was understanding. No pity (the other thing she'd been dreading), because Alex knew people made their own ways in life, coped with things how they had to. She knew what drink could do to a person, had experienced it for herself. The effect the tale had on her was to intensify her already strong desire to protect Piper in whatever way she could. She knew it was unrealistic to think that she could shield the girl from every horrible thing that might happen, nor did she think Piper would want that (she tried so hard to prove herself, to prove her self-sufficiency and Alex couldn't take that away from her), but Alex wanted to take care of her when she could. Not necessarily to take the bullet for her, but to be by her side when the time came to face whatever haunted her. It was what she wanted Piper to be for her as well...
Alex pulled her closer, kissing her gently on the side of the neck (well the section of her neck that was visible beneath the layers she was wearing), "I'm glad you're here."
Piper curled into Alex, fitting her head underneath the brunette's chin, taking a deep shaky breath as she felt Alex's arms tighten around her, tears forming without her really meaning them to, "Me too..."
"And your parents sound like jackasses..."
Piper laughed wetly, "They work very hard at it..."
"Piper... thank you for telling me..."
Piper extracted herself enough to tilt her head up to kiss her briefly before going back to her previous position.
They fell silent then, Alex kissing her gently on the top of the head as they soaked up each other's warmth and drifted off slowly to sleep, listening to one another breathe.
Three days later, Alex left. There were half a dozen of them in the party going to meet the supply convoy from New Litchfield, the one that Red had had to beg, borrow and steal to get to them. Things were getting dire. If everyone in town hadn't been out of almost everything (food, kerosene, coal... everything), they wouldn't have risked it (especially not with the unpredictable nature of the weather... it could go from sunny and freezing for days to sudden fierce and driving storms that would sweep in with barely a moment's notice).
In addition to Alex, Bennett, Ford, Maxim, Flores and Cindy were going. Red designated Alex as the leader. Alex wasn't sure how she felt about the responsibility, but she was forced to agree that she was probably best able to bring them all home safe. If Rosa hadn't been sick as a dog up at her temporary quarters at Mendoza's rooming house, she would've taken the job, but beggars couldn't be choosers.
Alex hated leaving Piper and Celeste alone. They were all she had in the world anymore and being separated from them was physically painful, but this was for them, for the whole town. She'd spent a lot of time amongst people who thought only of themselves, she'd spent a lot of time thinking only of herself and she had a lot to make up for. This was a sacrifice but she had to make it.
The morning they left, it seemed like the whole town was out to see them off, or was at least on their front porches, watching. There was a whole lot of hope riding out with them. If they were lost or didn't return with the supplies, everyone in town was like to starve or freeze to death.
Daya was clutching Bennett on the front porch of the Sheriff's office as though she'd never let him go, head buried in his chest. The Sheriff's had covered his boyish face with a thick beard, but he still looked impossibly young as he tried to keep himself crying. Maxim was standing by one of the wagons, being lectured sternly by Red. Ford had hugged each of his girls in turn and was now standing with Miss Berdie, their foreheads together, eyes closed. The girls, after saying goodbye to Ford had gone over to slap Cindy on the back and tell her to look after her "big black ass". Gloria Mendoza was giving Flores a hard cuff on the shoulder.
Alex was standing with Nicky, Celeste and Piper on the porch of the saloon, a ways down from where Maxim was getting his ear chewed off by his mother.
Nicky gave her a hard look, "Take care of yourself, al'right, Vause?"
"Mmhmmm," Alex nodded sharply, meeting her oldest friends' huge brown eyes with her own weighted gaze. After a long moment, Nicky thrust out her right hand. Alex gripped it tight and shook it once, hard. Then Nicky released her hand, huffed a sigh and turned on her heel to walk down the sidewalk a little further to where Lorna was standing with Cindy and Maxwell.
Celeste stepped forward and hugged Alex hard, "You be careful out there, don't take any risks you can't handle," she said sternly, "Can't have you disappearing after we just got you back..."
"Yes ma'am," Alex said. Celeste pulled back, gave her shoulder a squeeze.
"I'll give you girls a minute..." she said, then moved out into the street stiffly, really feeling the ache in her joints, heading towards Sister Ingalls and Jones.
Piper was bundled up in about three coats, with a thick fur on top of it all. She was looking down at the wood of the sidewalk, her hands wrapped protectively around her middle. Alex could see the set of her jaw, knew the girl was trying her damndest not to cry in front of everyone. She took a step forward.
"Piper..."
The blonde said nothing, kept staring.
Another step forward. Alex put her thickly gloved hand on Piper's shoulder, "Darlin..."
In one swift movement, Piper stepped into her and put her arms around her, squeezing hard and burying her face in Alex's own layers. Alex hugged her back. "You had better not die," Piper's voice came muffled from the depths of Alex's coat (she was wearing long johns, a flannel shirt, an under coat, an overcoat, a winter coat lined in sheep's wool and she had a fur lined blanket waiting for her on her horse... she felt like a god damn sausage).
Alex wasn't one for meaningless reassurances, and she couldn't lie to Piper anyway. "I can't promise you anything, but you know I'll do my best..."
For just a moment, Piper wished that Alex could be a little bit more like the people back in Boston, always telling her what she wanted to hear so as not to offend her delicate female sensibilities. The impulse passed quickly though. Part of the reason she loved Alex so much was because she was nothing like those people. Piper took a half step back, still keeping a hold (as tight a grip as she could with her heavy mittens on) on Alex's forearms.
In addition to her layers of coats, there was a scarf draped loosely around her neck that she would tighten up once she got on the horse, the one Piper had made for her, rather inexpertly, at the beginning of this godawful winter. Piper took hold of it gently. "You should wear the one you bought from Flaca. It's much better constructed..."
"I like this one, if it's all the same to you... I've got t'other one, if I need it, but I'm sure this'll keep me warm."
Alex could see the tears forming again, and was going to say something but Piper leaned forward and kissed her instead. Alex was faintly concerned, because they hadn't ever done this in front of anyone but Celeste before (and then rarely), but she forgot about her anxiety quickly. She'd never gone away like this before: in the full light of day, saying a proper goodbye to someone who loved her. She was going to make sure she did it properly. And if the others didn't like it they could all scrap over it when this little expedition got back and they weren't all two steps from dying.
After a long moment they parted, having done all they could to communicate everything they were thinking and feeling with that one kiss. Alex kissed her once more on the forehead and then again on the cheek before saying, "I love you."
Piper barely trusted herself to speak, but couldn't let Alex go without responding, "I love you too..."
Alex turned before she could get any more emotional. As she walked towards the wagon, she pulled out the cap that Red had given them all (she said it was called a balaclava, something Dmitri had worn back in Russia). It was made of wool and looked like a cap until she pulled it down and it covered up her ears and her neck, leaving her face free. She put it on, adjusted her glasses, then wound the scarf Piper had made her (a little misshapen with a couple of missed stitches here and there, but still made of wool and more importantly, made by Piper) around her neck and the lower part of her face. Then she pulled on her thick fur cap on (this one Celeste had made for her, the kind with flaps that hung over her ears, tied at the bottom). She knew she looked absurd, but at least her face wouldn't freeze off.
She looked around at the others. No one in town looked good necessarily, not after two months of storm after storm wrecking havoc on the town, but they were all determined, all bundled up as much as she was. She gestured, "All right... let's go..."
The tracked out East from town, Alex leading the way on the big black horse that Celeste still refused to name, Ford and Flores following on the bench of the first wagon, which they'd rigged up with runners rather than wheels, Ford's sturdiest draft horses hauling it (the shoes he'd put on them, and all the horses, had spikes on them that would enable them to stay on top of the packed, icy snow), Bennett and Maxim brought up the rear in the second wagon. They knew it wouldn't be an easy trip (15 miles seemed like a hundred when they had to travel at a snail's pace to prevent a mishap, and with the icy sub zero wind buffeting them from all sides), but they still hoped to be back within a week... two at the outside. And they hoped to find the town and all their people just as they were leaving them now: exhausted and cold but alive.
But of course... hope was a dangerous thing...
The well in the front yard of the ranch had been frozen since the first storm. They'd had it covered to try to keep it from freezing solid, but the hail had been so severe that the god damn thing had cracked and fallen into the well, getting lodged in half way down. By the time they were able to leave the house the water was frozen solid, and the god damn cover and bucket were tangled up and frozen too. There was no point in trying to re-cover it.
There was a well in town, which they'd had the foresight to build a shelter around when Jones had started talking about how awful the winter would be (Miss Berdie's girls had taken a week in the fall constructing a structure around it that was practically as nice as some houses). But the two miles to town was impassable at the moment, and would probably be a challenge even when they were able to dig out a bit.
As they stood in the front yard looking at the damage to the well, Celeste had pointed west and said, "Well, at least we've got the creek."
The creek was about 15 feet across and especially deep where it passed by the farm, maybe five feet (it was as little as a foot deep further north and south). It was frozen solid after the storm, but, unlike the well, there were ways around that.
They had gone out and tested it. The ice near the shore was good and solid, but the further out they went, the thinner it got, to the point where Alex, wearing metal contraptions Ford's girl Suzanne had constructed on the bottom of her boots that dug into the ice, could take Bennett's ice cutting equipment to it to bust through the ice and get a few buckets full of water. There were times when it got thicker, where they couldn't get all the way through, but they could still pull up chunks of ice and take them in to melt them.
Two weeks had passed since Alex left, and Piper and Celeste were managing all right without her. Both of them were worried about her, but they had plenty to do around the ranch, and they had regular visits from Nicky and Lorna and Sister Ingalls. It helped that there had been no major storms rolling through. It kept the path to and from town relatively clear and meant that they weren't entirely isolated. They were running short on kerosene and food just like everyone else, but thankfully they'd stocked up on firewood and had been rationing it well, so they were at passably warm.
The last day of the second week of Alex's absence was bright and clear (and cold and windy, although nothing they weren't used to by now). Piper had been feeling under the weather for a few days, a little achy, possibly a little warm, but she hadn't said anything to Celeste. She wasn't willing to put any more burden on her grandmother than there already was. She didn't want the older woman taking too much on, so she pulled herself out of bed and went about her daily tasks.
Piper went out to check on the brown mare in the stables, and when she came back from feeding her and mucking out the barn, it was near noon. Celeste was standing near the larder, taking stock of their supplies. "We're going to need to fetch some more water," she said, gesturing to the near empty washbasin they kept their supply in.
Piper nodded, sighing. She was less than fond of fetching water from the creek. She was sure enough on her feet that walking out on the ice didn't bother her (she'd been ice skating since she was a child), but one of the activities her mother had deemed "beneath her" was swimming ("Have you seen the outfits they wear, Piper? Do you want people to think you're a whore?"), and she didn't like the thought of literally walking on water. Alex had given her a couple tentative swimming lessons before things had gotten really cold, and had promised her more when things warmed up, but Piper still wasn't entirely comfortable with it.
She went to fetch the ice spikes to strap to her shoes as Celeste stood up and put her overcoat. "Grandmother, you really don't have to come. I'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own."
"I know you are, dear, but better safe than sorry. It's best to have someone keeping an eye on you."
Secretly, Piper was relieved. She liked that Celeste was there to watch her. They got out to the creek side and Celeste stood on the bank watching her while Piper advanced. She wanted to get to a place where she could feel the ice thinning out, but not go too far. The wind was blowing, and she could feel it pulling her, but it wasn't so bad. She had endured worse.
She had Bennett's ice cutting tools strapped to her belt and she kept her eyes in front of her. When she sensed the ice begin to thin out a little, maybe four feet from the bank, she applied a little more pressure with her left foot, sinking the spikes into the ice, and then lifted and brought her right foot down to anchor it as well…
…but instead of the spikes chunking solidly into the ice, they went straight through, and her momentum caused the rest of her to go crashing through the ice and into the water, which was well below freezing… Piper heard Celeste crying out. The water was only five feet deep here, she could feel the slick stones under her feet, but she was wearing all her layers and her thick boots, it was difficult to gain purchase and she was not assisted by the panic she felt rolling through her in waves.
The current was trying its damndest to drag her under the ice on either side of the hole she'd created. She was struggling to get herself to the shore, her feet flailing, when her ankle made contact with something underneath the surface and she cried out in pain as her weight rolled over on it and she lost her footing again… feeling herself being carried further from the bank… and then suddenly she felt a strong hand gripping her by the back of her collar, and looked up to see Celeste, who was a good four inches shorter than she was, in the water up to her chest. It was splashing onto her face, and as they struggled back to the shore, they were both submerged at least once.
By the time they got to the river bank, they were both breathing hard, Celeste dragged herself up onto the bank, and then pulled Piper, who felt like she weighed twice as much as normal with her soaked clothes, up out of the river. It was warmer out than it had been recently, but the mercury had shown 20 when she checked it that morning, and the water hadn't been any warmer. As soon as they emerged, Celeste began shaking and felt the cold seeping into her bones. Piper was shaking as well, struggling to stand, her face contorted in pain from whatever had happened to her foot.
Celeste was feeling the effects of the cold. Her teeth were chattering, her thoughts getting muddled. She knew she had to get them inside. She grabbed Piper again and, by sheer force of will, managed to half drag her to the porch of the house. She somehow managed to open the door. There was a fire in the hearth of the sitting room. Celeste had started it before they had gone out to get the ice, in anticipation of an afternoon spent sitting and reading.
By now Piper was still conscious but her eyes were unfocused. They were leaning up against the wall next to the door, dripping all over the floor. Celeste looked Piper in the eye and shook her shoulders… Piper's lips were turning blue, her hair was soaked… "Piper…" Celeste's voice was shaky, "we have to take off your coat…"
The blonde's movements were sluggish… her hands shaky as she tried to unbutton the soaked coat. Celeste helped her unbuckle her belt and then unbutton the coat and somehow they managed to get it off. It was a full length affair, lined with fur and it seemed to account for much of the weight. Celeste pulled off the lighter jacket beneath it… she could feel herself fading again. She gritted her chattering teeth, she had to make sure Piper was safe…
She half carried the girl to the couch in front of the fire and laid her down pulling both the blankets that were draped over the back of the couch (one thick flannel, one lined with bearskin) over Piper, tucking them around her tightly. It wasn't perfect… the blonde's clothes were still wet, but not nearly as soaked as the coat they'd discarded had been. The blankets plus the heat from the fire might just warm her up enough…
Once Piper was covered and Celeste saw her shaking begin to fade off, saw the color come back into her lips, she finally let the effects of the cold take her as well. She collapsed onto the rug in front of the fire, still shivering, her breaths coming rapid and short. She could feel her heart beat slowing, the numbness spreading as the adrenaline wore off. Her thoughts became lethargic as she turned to look at her granddaughter…
Piper was looking down at her. She'd burrowed into her blankets even further and she seemed more coherent than she had a few moments ago… "Grandmother…" she said weakly.
"Piper…" Celeste heard her voice coming as though from a long distance away, her words slurring softly. "Piper…" her eyes closed…
Piper could barely form a thought. She felt distantly that she was getting warmer, the numbness in her extremities fading slightly even as the pain radiating from her ankle intensified. All she knew was that she felt weak as a kitten and so very tired… she couldn't will herself to move, could barely keep her eyes open…
She looked down at Celeste, lying on her back on the floor in front of her, still dressed in her cold, soaking wet clothes, a slight blue tint to her lips as she shivered, the fire blazing behind her seemingly doing nothing to warm her. The look in Celeste's eyes was distant... she said Piper's name… and then her eyes closed…
"Grandmother.." Piper said, trying for an exclamation and barely managing to push the name out… it fell from her lips weakly but seemed to reach Celeste nonetheless.
Celeste opened her eyes slowly, looked in Piper's direction, her eyes still unfocused. "You know… Alex… she loves you more than I think I've ever seen anyone love another person…" she said this softly, breathing the words in almost a whisper.
Piper felt an ache begin to build in her chest that had nothing to do with the cold, "Grandmother…" she repeated, feeling something prickling in her eyes.
"Take care of each other, promise me…" Celeste's eyes got more and more distant with every passing second, "I was so worried about you both… about leaving you… but now… I think it will be… all right…"
"Please… don't say things like that… Please..."
"I've had a good long life, Piper… Seen so much, done so much… so grateful… for you… you are… the child your father should have been…"
"But…"
But Celeste wasn't really listening any more, if she ever had been. Her eyes were completely unfocused now, staring past Piper. Her was voice growing weaker, more faded, "It will be nice to see Dan again… I miss him so…"
As Piper watched, Celeste's eyes closed. She was still breathing: shallow, short breaths. Piper wanted desperately to get up and help her, do something, cover her with a blanket, but she couldn't do it. Her thoughts were jumbled, her limbs heavy… and she was so fucking tired… "Grandmother…" Piper breathed again, but she had no hope there'd be a response. .
At some point she fell asleep, slipping into dreamless unconsciousness and then jolting awake almost as suddenly. She barely felt rested when she woke. The room was dark. Night had fallen. The fire was still blazing, throwing light into the room. The blankets were still on her and she felt almost unnaturally warm… Her mind still wasn't entirely clear, and her memories of recent events were cluttered. But she knew Celeste was here somewhere.
She looked down at rug in front of her. And saw Celeste lying there… eyes closed...
"Grandmother…" she said weakly. But Celeste didn't reply… and after a long moment, Piper saw that her chest was no longer rising… she wasn't shivering or shaking anymore… the look on her face was almost peaceful…
Piper may not have been thinking straight, but she knew what it meant… she squeezed her own eyes shut and burrowed even further into the blankets. The tears came fast. She was crying hard now, the lingering shivers from the cold that she was still feeling deep within her bones mixing with the racking sobs, crying tears of frustration, of grief… knowing her grandmother was dead and knowing in her heart that it was her fault… Suddenly she wanted Alex to be at her side at this moment more than she'd ever wanted anything in her life.
12 hours later
It took nearly two weeks for them to get back to town, but they were actually quite fortunate. There'd been no major mishaps and (even more miraculous) not a single new storm had come through while they were out. It had taken longer on the way back because they'd had to ensure they didn't lose any supplies, but all in all Alex was feeling more than a little fortunate when they finally rode back into Haven. It was morning, round 7am, the sun was up, and Alex was thinking that even if she helped unload the supplies, she could be back to the ranch within two hours. She had been thinking about seeing Piper ever since the town had become visible on the horizon.
Red had heard the wagons pull up and was standing in front of the saloon, "Your man was good as his word, Red," Alex said, sliding down from the big black nameless horse as the others got of the wagons and went to go fetch help with unloading. "Delivered everything you put on your list and even threw in couple cords of firewood on top of it all, said he owed you."
"He does," Red said, without elaboration.
Behind Alex, the others had slid off their wagons and were starting to unload things, marching them into the saloon, where they'd be stored until they could be distributed around the town. They were all tired and frozen and wanted nothing more than to go home, but they wouldn't until the supplies were unloaded. After a few moments, Ford and Miss Berdie and the three girls emerged from the livery and wandered over to lend a hand.
Alex handed Red a manifest that had been signed by the man from New Litchfield and turned back to help with unloading everything. With the amount of help they had, it only took a half hour to get everything settled into the saloon. One of the wagons had the ranch's share of the supplies. Ford had hitched the black horse up to it. Alex intended to bring the supplies to the ranch, and then return the wagon later that night.
She tipped her hat to Red and then turned the wagon towards the West.
Alex tied the horse up to the hitching post and threw the warm blanket over him. She slid off the wagon bench and went round to the back, hoisting a box of dry goods out of the wagon and heading toward the front door... it wasn't until she looked up at the house that she realized something was off...
The first sign that something was wrong was that the door was wide fucking open. It was 25 fucking degrees... and the house looked dark and lifeless... still as the grave... at this time of day, Piper might be out in the stables, but Celeste would be inside... She quickened her pace. By the time she got inside she was practically running. She set down the box she was holding and looked around. The house was near as cold as the outside. She slammed the door shut and called out, "Piper? Celeste?"
The curtains in the sitting room were drawn, but there was enough light coming in that she could see there was a fire, it was weak now, almost down to nothing but embers... and she could see a pair of feet hanging out from behind the couch.
Alex felt as though she'd been kicked in the chest hard, "Oh fuck... oh fuck... Jesus... no..." she took long strides into the room, rounding the corner of the couch as the dread pooled in her gut. She looked down and saw... Celeste, lying still as stone, white as a ghost... Alex fell to her knees beside her, tearing off her gloves, hat and scarf as she put her ear to Celeste's chest... listening for a heartbeat, hearing nothing. She put her fingers on the older woman's neck, trying to feel for a pulse, hoping against hope that maybe she hadn't heard Celeste's heart because of all the layers she was wearing. The older woman was so fucking cold it was like touching ice. Her clothes were faintly damp. The aura of heat from the dying fire was probably all that had kept frost from forming on her.
Alex ran a hand through her hair, trying to calm herself, keep the tears at bay. All she wanted to do was sit down and cry for an hour... Celeste... Celeste was as close to a mother as she had anymore... Celeste had raised her... had loved her... had forgiven her... had brought Piper into her life... Piper... Alex had been so shocked about Celeste that she had almost forgotten Piper... Jesus, where the fuck was Piper? What the fuck had happened here? If Celeste was dead... Piper would probably be taking this as bad as she was, maybe even worse. Alex had to be strong, bear up... she had to be there for her...
She took a deep breath, trying to calm herself, she hadn't taken her eyes off Celeste since she'd walked into the room. Alex went to stand up, assuming Piper must be in their room (otherwise why wouldn't she have been the one to tell her what was going on?)... and as she did so, her eyes came to rest on the pile of blankets on the couch... the pile of blankets that was as still as Celeste had been...
Alex frowned, her brow furrowing... what...? As she looked closer she could see part of a hand and a glimpse of blonde hair sticking out from the side of the pile closest to Celeste's head. "Jesus fuck..." she muttered, panic rising from deep within her, rising through her stomach, enveloping her heart and up to her brain before she even took a careful step over Celeste's body (trying desperately not to think about how Celeste was fucking dead). She went down on her haunches next to the couch and reached a tentative shaking hand towards the blankets.
She pulled them down... and was confronted with the sight of Piper, eyes closed, skin sallow, still as the grave... looking for all the world like she was dead... she couldn't stop the tears now, they burst from her unbidden with no preamble, "Oh fuck, oh Jesus God no..." every coherent thought in her mind flew out and was replaced by agonizing grief and a dark unhinged voice repeating the same three words over and over in her head: Piper is dead Piper is dead Piper is dead...
Weeping like a baby, a string of curse words and unadulterated anguish falling from her mouth, she leaned forward and pulled Piper into her arms... Jesus she was so fucking cold... and still and light as though everything that made her what she was had left her... and now the voice was screaming you left them... you left them and they died...
An almost animalistic cry of grief worked its way out of her lungs as she buried her face in Piper's neck, wishing for all the world that she could just lay down here and die as well...
She was so consumed with the sorrow and the guilt that was washing over her that it took her a moment to hear it... and then she felt something too... Piper... was moving... and saying something... words that were muffled by Alex's jacket. Alex took deep shaking breaths, trying to reign in her emotions... listening... trying to figure out if what she had heard was a figment of her imagination.
"Alex..." Piper's voice was so quiet, barely more than a whisper of breath, her arms were moving weakly. Alex looked down at her. Her eyes were still closed, and her muttering seemed to be more out of delirium than anything else, maybe some sort of response to hearing Alex's voice... and now that she looked Alex could see a sheen of sweat on her face, could hear the sound of her breathing... an almost frightening rattle... but Piper was alive...
An wave of relief swept through her, almost as paralyzing as the grief of a moment before... but it was short lived as Piper shivered violently in her arms and coughed deep in her chest.
Before Alex's addled mind had a chance to truly assess the situation she heard a knock on the door. The door slid open and Nicky's voice called out, "Ay, Vause! You forgot to take your ration of..." the bartender's raspy voice stopped abruptly as she realized how cold it was in the house... and as she looked over and saw Celeste's feet. "...what the hell...?"
Footsteps moved across the floor and then Nicky came around the edge of the couch and set eyes on Alex holding Piper's limp, shaking body to her chest, tears shining in her eyes. "Oh fuck me..."
Nicky had ridden down with Vasily and sent him back up for the Doc, who returned in record time. Nicky had managed to calm Alex down a little, and the brunette had carefully carried Piper upstairs to their bedroom. Nicky lit a fire in the fireplace there while Alex changed Piper out of what she'd been wearing and into her nightshirt, carefully setting her in the bed and pulling all the blankets in the bed over her, along with the two from downstairs. She sat on the bed, holding Piper's hand and staring down at her, tears still rolling down her face, though she wasn't making a sound. Nicky didn't even want to know what she was thinking.
Sister Ingalls knelt next to the bed and examined Piper carefully, not even bothering to ask Alex to leave or move. After a moment, she looked up at them. "It has every appearance of pneumonia. She's burning with fever and her breathing is labored. She might have caught the infection when she was in town a few days ago. Two of Red's girls have come down with it, and given... Celeste's condition," here the Nun's voice faltered briefly, and she had to gather herself... she had known Celeste for twenty years, "it looks like exposure to cold water may have hastened its onset..."
"Cold water?"asked Nicky.
"Celeste's clothes were damp. I don't know exactly what happened, but it appears one or both of them fell into the creek, possibly Miss Chapman as she seems to have injured her ankle as well. It would explain the suddenness of Celeste's death... we saw her just a day and a half ago..."
"But... but she's going to get better right?" Alex asked, the first time she'd spoken since the Nun had walked in, her voice ragged and so shot through with anguish that it made Nicky want to cry too, "You and Jones... you've got medicine up there that'll make her better?"
The Nun's expression was pained, full of regret and sympathy, "I'm afraid all I can give you is something to ease some of the more severe symptoms. Unfortunately, the illness must run its course..."
"Run its course? The fuck does that mean?"
"It means that the most you can do is keep Miss Chapman comfortable. And hope for the best..."
For once, Alex wished she wasn't so fucking good at reading people. Because when she looked in Sister Ingalls's eyes, all she saw was a sad sort of sympathy... the kind of look you give to someone you know is about to lose someone they love...
Even before Celeste had died, Red had wanted them to move back up to town. They'd lost all their livestock after the second storm (literally... the storm had blown a hole in the fence and the fuckers had just walked off), and the horses could easily be quartered at the livery where Ford and Miss Berdie were doing their damndest to keep all the horses healthy. So far, no one up in town had died, although several of them had taken ill and come close. Red had become quite determined that they'd all make it through. They pooled their resources, looked out for one another (even Rosa's gang had come in from the Roost, a mile East of town, and were occupying space around town). The large shipment of supplies Alex and the others had brought in that week Celeste was killed was enough to last them for at least two or three months if it were rationed out right, and hopefully by then, things would clear up enough for folks to make their normal supply runs to New Litchfield.
But Piper was sick, and Alex wouldn't risk moving her, and the Nun had to admit that spending the hour it would take to get back up to town in the kind of cold that was upon them now would be like to kill her.
So they stayed at the ranch, alone, cut off from everyone, and for awhile, Alex tried to keep up the ranch, but it had been hard enough with three people given the conditions and it was near impossible for just her. After a few days, all she was doing was checking the horses briefly once a day and then going back in to take care of Piper.
Piper...
Piper was going to die. Alex was sure of it. Jones had given Alex some herbal remedies that were supposed to ease the worst of Piper's symptoms, and Alex gave them to her dutifully, even though they didn't seem to be doing a fucking thing. The blonde spent her days sweating and shaking. She was muttering in her sleep, Alex's name or her grandmother's or even her parents' and brothers back in Boston, talking nonsense.
Alex was tired and cold and the thought of losing Piper was making her lose her mind. She knew deep down (she knew) that she had to stay healthy, had to keep things running, had to take care of Piper, or she'd die too, but she didn't fucking care. She spent whole days just wrapped around Piper, holding her tight while Piper burned with fever and was overcome the chills.
As much as Alex had sworn off violence, vowed not to fall back into it, there was a simplicity to it for her, an ease. She knew how good she was at it. She had enough confidence in her abilities that she knew that nine times out of ten, she would come out on top of any situation she got thrown into, and that if she couldn't she could find a way to talk her way around it. She wasn't used to feeling this god damn helpless and it was disorienting her badly. The illness wasn't something Alex could fight. It was a mysterious thing that was slowly killing Piper and Alex had no idea what the fuck to do about it.
It didn't help that she spent all day by herself, watching as Piper gave every appearance of someone who was going to die. It didn't take long before her brain, already battered by the loss of Celeste (Celeste, who she'd never even gotten a chance to mourn properly... Celeste whose death felt so much like it was her fault...) and the hardscrabble conditions they were living under, lack of food and sleep, started spinning out worst case scenarios that left her almost paralyzed with grief.
It wasn't until the blonde wasn't there anymore that Alex realized just how much a calming influence she was in her life, how often Piper's simple reassurances (that she was a decent person who was worth something) were enough to keep her dark thoughts from spiraling off into the void that they'd slipped into so often when she was with Kubra. Piper was the touchstone, the constant, that Alex was moored to... and when the possibility that she might be dying, that she was so sick she might not recover... it was like everything that was keeping Alex tethered was coming undone... she hadn't felt so lost since her mother died... and she didn't like to think about the path that had led her down.
The thought of Piper dead… gone… lost to her forever tormented her every waking moment… Alex had just found her for god's sake… Piper was like an essential piece of her that had suddenly snapped into place when she'd first laid eyes on her. Everything before had been like a photograph, all washed out and sepia toned, and then she'd met Piper and all the color had started leaching back in, slowly but surely. Life had been hard enough before she knew Piper was out there, but now that she was in Alex's life… now that Alex knew what it was like to love someone with her whole heart and to be loved that way in return...
She couldn't go back now. It would kill her. Life without Piper wouldn't mean anything anymore.
She cursed the fact that there was no alcohol in the house (Piper said it was safer for her that way) and no way for her to get any without leaving Piper to do it (and she wouldn't do that, ever... she didn't even like to leave their room). She cursed the fact that God had chosen to make Piper sick and not her. Alex had done so many things, hurt so many people… Piper wasn't perfect but she still had a chance… she began to think that maybe God was punishing her for what she'd done by taking away the best thing in her life.
God... that fucking bastard... who had seen fit to make so fucking good at doing violence to people, fighting, killing... so skilled at so many methods of taking away from them everything that made them who they were... but had made her so fucking useless when it came to saving the people she cared about. She hadn't been able to save her mother. She hadn't even fucking been here when Celeste had died... and now she was cursed to watch Piper's life slip away right in front of her eyes, minute by minute... to watch the only person she had left disappear (and to know in her heart that all of it, Celeste's death, Piper's being sick... was in large part her fault...)
Well, fuck Him. If He was going to take Piper, then He was damn sure going to take her too.
So after two weeks of just her and Piper and a huge empty house, she'd taken to spending her days just wrapped up in bed, curled around Piper, holding on to her tight as she shivered, trying to get as close to her as she could, trying to disappear into her...
... and the only thing Alex was bothering to hope for anymore was that when Piper died, it wouldn't take her long to follow...
For the first week after Celeste died, Red tried to send someone down to check on the ranch at least once a day and the Nun tried her best to accompany them, to check on Piper, to see if she was making any progress.
That stopped after the most recent storm had blown through, dropping another three feet of snow on them.
The storm itself had blown through in the space of two days, but then there was another week of freezing weather and high winds, which just blew the not quite frozen snow around, making it almost as bad it had been when it was snowing. It was hard to walk across the street, let alone to make it the two miles to the Chapman place. The week spent indoors somehow managed to bring yet another round of the sickness that kept traveling about the town, and over a dozen people fell ill, some of whom had managed to stay healthy all winter. Everyone's resources were taken up stabilizing the sick.
By the time anyone could even think of going to down to the ranch, it had been nearly a fortnight since anyone had laid eyes on either Piper or Alex.
Red was sending Maxim and Vasily down to check them. They were solid boys, Maxim the largest of Red's four sons, and they seemed to never get cold and have the endurance of a pair of oxen. Nicky wouldn't let them go without her. Red tried to argue that she was being a fool, that she shouldn't risk her weak heart giving out. "My heart ain't goin' anywhere, and I ain't trustin' anyone else to make sure those two are all right, right?" Knowing that keeping Nicky from going would be more trouble (and take more effort) than they had time for, Red had relented.
They set out at ten in the morning, all three of them wearing the snowshoes Bennett had constructed for everyone in town. The sun was low in the sky and was doing jack shit to make anything any warmer. It was maybe 10 degrees out if they were being generous, which was still a vast improvement over the previous week. The snow was still waist deep, and even with the shoes and the boys blazing a path through the soft packed snow on top of the seemingly permanent frozen hardpack below, it was exhausting just being outside. Nicky was bundled in about six layers and was still freezing her tits off. They moved slowly. Nicky's heart could only take so much between the cold and the exertion, so she had to rest seemingly every fifteen minutes. But she owed this to Piper and Alex. She was going to power through this bullshit for them.
They reached the ranch house after what seemed like about two hours, and Nicky immediately had a bad feeling. The house was dark, no movement inside. No tracks outside, which set them all on edge. It hadn't snowed for over a week and the white outside the house was untouched. Alex should've been making semi-regular trips to the creek to break out ice to melt for fresh water, and to the stables to take care of the horses (Alex loved those fucking horses).
Nicky frowned and walked up to the door, banging on it. "Vause! Chapman! You in there?"
After a few minutes, she decided to forgo politeness and tried the door, which was unbolted... The house wasn't quite as cold as the outside, but it was a near thing. There was fresh wood stacked in the fireplace in the sitting room but it wasn't lit. The same with the stove in the kitchen. Nicky frowned. There was no way they wouldn't have at least one of these going at all times right now. There was an eerie feeling here, like sickness… like death. An unpleasant feeling of deja vu swept over her... this reminded her a little too much of finding Alex holding Piper next to Celeste's dead body
"Hey, Max, see whatcha can do about getting' a fire goin', would ya?"
Maxim nodded and went to it. Nicky headed up the stairs, Vasily trailing behind. "Doesn't feel right in here, Nichols…" he muttered.
"I know…" she breathed. They got to the top floor. The master bedroom was the first door on the right. It was empty, still full of Celeste's things, untouched. It looked eerily like she had just gotten up and left it. Piper's room was at the end of the hall. The door was slightly ajar.
Nicky put a hand on the handle and took a deep breath, bracing herself for what she might see. She pushed it open… there was a roaring fire in the fireplace here, creating so much heat that it was stifling (especially after the chill of the rest of the house), the air thick and smelling of sweat and other things less pleasant.
Piper was lying on her side, her skin sallow and covered with sweat, breaths shallow, a rattling wheeze to them that made Nicky wince. The blankets were pulled up to her chin. Seeing the usually vivacious blonde this way made her heart sink but that was nothing compared to how she felt when she looked to Alex. Alex was wrapped around Piper from behind, clutching on to her tightly, also covered in the blanket, her eyes screwed shut, her forehead pressed into the back of the blonde's neck. There were dark circles under her eyes and they were red and swollen… she'd been crying. A lot.
The sight made Nicky's heart lurch. "Ah fuck, Alex…" she muttered.
The sound of her voice caused Alex's eyes to snap open… and her hand to emerge from underneath the blankets with a pistol at the ready.
"JESUS!" Nicky said, "Alex! Alex, it's just me! Nicky!"
Alex wasn't wearing her glasses (Nicky couldn't immediately spot them) she squinted in Nicky's direction looking like a newborn calf, her eyes disoriented, full of exhaustion and a hundred different emotions. The hand holding the gun up was shaking. Nicky kept her hands up, taking slow steps forward. Vasily stayed by the door, his hand on his own gun, just in case.
The bartender got close enough to the bed that she thought Alex could focus on her (she was never quite sure just how bad Alex's vision was... she'd asked her multiple times in the past, and the best answer she'd gotten was "blind-ish"). "Alex... put the gun down, kid... we're here to help..."
After what seemed like forever but was probably closer to thirty incredibly tense seconds, Alex's hand fell back to the bed, still holding the gun limply. Her eyes stayed on Nicky. "Nichols..." she said, her voice was raspy, rough, weak with disuse and emotion. "Nichols... Piper..." her voice broke then. Nicky could see the tears forming in her eyes, "Piper's... gonna... she's gonna..." and then the tears came flooding out...
Nicky held Alex like a mother cradling an overlarge child, letting the brunette cling to her while she wept and raged and despaired and got out everything she'd been holding in. After about an hour, the exhaustion began to overtake her (from all Nicky could tell, she'd been awake for days), and she finally passed out, literally unable to keep herself awake anymore. Nicky left her on the bed next to Piper and went to talk to Maxim and Vasily.
After a quiet, whispered conversation, the two boys nodded. Maxim lifted Alex out of the bed and Vasily carefully lifted Piper, and Nicky quickly changed out the bedding (if there was one thing working at Red's had taught her, it was how to change out a bed quickly). The boys put the two women back in the bed and then covered them up. Then they left the house. They were going to get into the stables and check on the horses, then try to get them back up to town (Piper and Alex wouldn't need them in their state). They'd bring back some of the kerosene and food stores they had stored up in town.
Nicky'd had no idea how bad things had gotten. Alex had barely been eating anything, spoon feeding Piper what little food they had, giving her the last of the medicine the nun had given her the last time she'd seen them two weeks ago.
It took three hours for the boys to return, hauling the supplies on a makeshift sledge, the Nun trailing in their wake. While the boys unloaded the supplies into the frigid rooms downstairs, the Nun came upstairs and into the stifling heat of the bedroom. She frowned at the scene in front of her, a look of sadness and concern passing over her face.
She turned to Nicky, "open the curtains, please, Miss Nichols."
Nicky nodded, so concerned that she didn't even wince at the Nun using her formal name. The light flooded the dim room as Sister Ingalls knelt by Piper's side. Nicky wandered into the hallway and smoked a rollup nervously as the Nun did her work.
When the Nun walked out of the room, Nicky extinguished her cigarette and stood up straighter. Sister Ingalls took a deep breath and said, "To be entirely honest, Miss Chapman has improved greatly since last I visited here. It's almost miraculous really. Aside from the herbal remedies Erica prepared for her, she's had only the barest of medical attention."
Nicky frowned, "You mean... she's going to be okay?"
"Well, 'okay' is relative. The worst of the disease seems to be easing, the fever has broken, which means the infection may have run its course. But she's still weak. Her body must recover from what the infection has done to her, and at the same time expel it from her lungs. That will mean a lot of coughing, and at times that can be worse than the fever. Plus, she will need food and warmth and constant care... I'm not sure Miss Vause can provide that to her without neglecting the ranch, and there's no way Miss Chapman will be able to make it up to town in her current condition. It may be some time before she can travel."
"Vause won't do anything but take care of her until she's better. She's been letting herself waste away to nothing and the ranch go to shit since Chapman's been sick, and I doubt that'll change. But don't you worry. We'll find a way to make sure things get taken care of 'round here... and once Blondie's well enough we'll move 'em both back up to town."
The Nun nodded, "Very well. As long as the weather stays clear, I can come check on them weekly or thereabouts."
"All right..."
"It really is a miracle."
Nicky nodded her agreement, although she wasn't so sure that miracles existed. She knew god didn't have a whole lot to do with this. After seeing what she had seen, listening to Alex talk, she was convinced that Alex has brought the blonde back from sure death by the sheer force of wanting it so much.
Alex opened her eyes slowly, aware of a voice in the room with her. She frowned. The last thing she remembered was Nicky holding her as she cried. She felt a flash of embarrassment over that, but it disappeared as quickly as it had come. There was only one thing she was truly concerned with right now.
She had woken up facing the window, and she rolled over, instinctively wanting to check on Piper... The curtains were open letting in the light of the full moon, and casting light on the blonde… whose eyes were half open, looking at her.
"A...Alex...?" she said, her voice barely a whisper, hoarse with disuse.
For a moment, Alex thought she was dreaming, hallucinating... that Piper was dead and that this was her ghost come to haunt her... but then Piper reached out a hand and touched her cheek, the touch weak, featherlight, but oh so fucking real. She drew her thumb gently over the scars on Alex's right cheek and said, "Alex... you look like shit..."
Alex couldn't stop the tears from rising again, couldn't stop the huge fucking smile from lighting up her face, couldn't stop her heart feeling as though it was going to burst right out of her chest. Couldn't stop herself from saying Piper's name over and over as she reached out and pulled Piper towards her, trying to be as gentle as possible. She held the blonde close as she wept and laughed and generally lost herself to the delirious feeling of Piper having, through some miracle, returned from the edge of the abyss...
In that moment, as she dropped a kiss on Piper's forehead (cool to the touch for the first time in near a month) and felt Piper burrow weakly into her own neck, whispering her name, she made a solemn vow that she would never allow petty bullshit to come between them. That there was not one thing in this godforsaken world that was worth losing her over.
It took another month before the Nun deemed Piper healthy enough to travel. For that month, Nicky took up residence in the Chapman ranch in Alex's old room. Lorna joined them, partially because she didn't want to be without Nicky, partially because she was experienced enough that she could play nurse to Piper, at least better than Nicky and Alex could. Vasily also joined them, to take care of the more intense physical tasks on the ranch.
Alex continued to spend most of her days tending to Piper, and now that the blonde was awake and on the mend, Alex could finally be persuaded to take care of herself as well. Nicky watched Alex closely to make sure she was still eating, and Lorna checked Piper at least once a day, but for the most part they left the two of them alone.
The first week was spent entirely concentrating on getting Piper's strength back up, Alex making sure she ate and making sure she was as comfortable as she could be, even as she was racked with coughs. By the second week, Piper was well enough that they could talk about Celeste. Piper told Alex how Celeste had died, and they both spent a great deal of time holding one another and crying over the woman who had meant so much to both of them. In the end, neither of them could entirely shake their feelings of guilt, but they resolved to take Celeste's last words to heart. To take care of each other... to know that she was at peace with her own death...
Once Piper was cleared to travel, Ford came down with his modified wagon. Piper and Alex got together their essentials, closed the ranch up tight so it could stand empty for the rest of the winter (however long that might be), and got into the wagon with their temporary caretakers.
When they got back up to Red's, they were fed steaming bowls of hearty stew, and then sent upstairs where they were installed in the same room Alex had occupied when she'd first returned to town what felt like a lifetime ago..
Both of them felt a tug of loss for having abandoned the farm, but they knew it was necessary. They knew the best way they could honor Celeste was to survive the winter, and that being in town with everyone else was the best way to do that. They would rebuild when the long goddamn winter was over...
The winter disappeared as fast as it had come. One morning in April they woke up to find a warm spring breeze blowing down main street, the snow melting rapidly from the eaves.
Piper woke up first, as the sun hit her face, shining through the thin curtains of the room they'd been living in at Red's for the past four months. The illness had taken a lot out of her and she still wasn't fully healthy, but she young and strong and was improving as well as the Nun had ever seen.
She frowned, listening to the sounds of water falling from the roof in a continuous stream. It had been forever since she'd heard the sound of running water… Behind her, Alex stirred, pulling her closer.
"Alex…"
"Mrpgphgf…" muttered Alex.
"Al… I think… I think the snow is starting to melt."
"Wha…?"
Piper sat up slightly, trying to get a better look out the window. Alex gave up trying to keep her little spoon in place and sat up as well, rubbing her eyes, yawning... She reached over and picked up her glasses off the bedside table as Piper got up and walked towards the window, throwing open the curtains.
The sun was shining brightly on the street and she could see the water from the rapidly melting snow running down the roof of the saloon outside their window, and the livery across the street. She put her hand to the glass and for the first time in months felt warmth instead of bone chilling cold. She smiled brightly huffing out a pleased laugh as she felt Alex's arms slide around her from behind.
"You okay, darlin'?"
"Yeah," Piper said, trying to keep the absurd emotion from her voice, "yeah I'm good... I'm just... happy to the see the sun actually warming things again."
"Well, personally I'd like to kick that mother fucker in the ass for doin' such a shit job of things the last few months..."
Piper laughed, light and melodic, and it made Alex's heart lift. Ever since the blonde had almost died, every smile she gave Alex, every laugh she produced had felt like a wonderful gift, something she would never, ever take for granted. She leaned down and kissed Piper softly on the neck. Piper gave a low chuckle and turned her head, kissing Alex, soft and lingering.
They knew there was hard work ahead. It had been months since they'd seen the ranch, and there had been a dozen storms since then. It'd take time to repair the damage, to get everything back to the way it had been (fixing the barn, the fences, the stables, replacing all their animals except the two horses). Not to mention that they would need to bury Celeste properly, truly mourn her without the constant threat of their own deaths over their head, sort through the guilt both of them felt about how it had happened...
But for now, in this moment, they were content here in each other's arms, as the sun shined through the window and brought with it the promise of spring.
A/N- Well... at least the ending was happy. Back to the future next chapter. And, y'know, we'll take care of that pesky cliffhanger. Thanks for hanging in, folks...