Chapter Nine
Sousuke ran into him on the way back to the locker room. Surprisingly enough he grabbed his arm, pulling him down one of the dark hall ways out of the way from anyone else.
"I know," Makoto said in a quiet tone. "My turn around times were taking too long-"
Then Makoto found himself holding his breath as Sousuke hooked an arm around his neck and pulled him into an embrace. He breathed in at Makoto's neck seeming to inhale Maktoto's essences.
"You did great." Sousuke said before pressing a kiss to Makoto's neck. It was a sweet, lingering kiss, bringing a blush to Makoto's face.
Makoto remembered to take a breath again and lifted a hand to Sousuke's shoulder. He sighed and closed his eyes for half a second before Sousuke pulled away.
"Come on," Sousuke said, still very close to Makoto. "Rin's up next."
He stepped away and started for the pool again. Maktoto looked after him. He swallowed, not sure if-
It felt like, like maybe he wasn't wandering alone any more. Makoto would like that, even if it was just the weird what ever it was between them.
He stepped up and followed after Sousuke.
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Everyone was all smiles by the time that they were filing out of the building. Rin laughed with Sousuke up ahead of Makoto and they joked like usual. After taking second against Haru, Sousuke had punched Rin in the shoulder, telling him he did a good job, but next time a win would be nice.
Makoto liked watching the two of them interact. Sousuke seemed to be so much more relaxed when he started to spend time around Rin.
Outside it was rather bright and Makoto shielded his eyes from the sun as he looked across the parking lot, which was when he saw him first, but by the time he really realized it, Haru had snagged the sleeve of Makoto's jacket, tugging at him insistently.
Haru must have approached from the side of the building. He still looked around a bit uneasily as he took a step closer to Makoto, "can we talk?" He asked quietly and bluntly as ever.
Makoto glanced at everyone getting on the to the bus behind him. It had also been ages since he'd even given Haru a text. And it had to be lonely, even if Haru had Rin now. It wasn't like the bus was his only way home any how. If he missed it, the train station wasn't that far away.
So a bit reluctantly Makoto nodded. "Yeah, Haru. We can talk for a few minutes."
Haru nodded before walking towards the side of the building, tugging Makoto by the arm with him.
As soon as they were back away from where anyone else could see, Haru finally let go of Makoto's jacket, he still stood a bit close to Makoto though.
"I've missed you, Haru." Makoto said with a sad smile, looking down at his friend.
Haru nodded. "Yeah-it's been really different with you gone."
It was quiet for a second, neither really knowing what to say.
"Rin has been saying you two are doing really great!" Makoto said. "He's really happy with you Haru."
Haru just nodded this time.
"I wanted to tell you," Makoto tried another way. "The Iwatobi team looks great. I'm so happy you guys found a couple of new swimmers!" And it wasn't a lie. He was happy for Iwatobi. When he'd left it had felt so-he'd felt like he was abandoning them and he was so very glad that things were working out for Iwatobi.
"They're alright." Haru commented.
Makoto glanced back behind him, the bus was probably all loaded at this point. And he wasn't sure what else to talk about with Haru.
Though the real reason was that he could feel it in him already. The slow approaching ache that stemmed from feeling like he was hollow. It wasn't over threatening, it was just a talk with his old best friend, but it was the first time since-since the two of them had parted ways...
Makoto closed his eyes as the memories flooded back. Now he was really in for it if he didn't shut this down fast.
"Haru," Makoto said looking down. "The bus is leaving, I have to-"
"That stupid cat won't leave the stairs outside your house." Haru interjected.
Makoto's eyes widened as he looked back up and Haru was looking-no, glaring at him. His face set and brow low he looked at Makoto with a very set expression of almost anger.
"It just sits there every morning," Haru grumbled. "By now, you'd think it would learn that you're never coming back but for some stupid reason it's still just sits there."
Makoto closed his eyes before pulling in a breath and opening his mouth-though for one of the few times in his life he wasn't sure what to say.
"Haru," was all he could really settle on.
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Sousuke stood next to Rin as he looked over the roster, counting heads. "Someones still missing." He murmured with a sour look on his face.
The rest of the team was seated on the bus, chattering amongst themselves. Sousuke scanned over the faces trying to pin point exactly who wasn't with them-or more precisely wasn't being pulled along by Sousuke.
"Makoto," Sousuke said, turning to look at Rin.
Surprised, Rin looked up to scan over the seats was well. "That's not like him..." Rin mumbled to himself. "And we need to leave."
Sousuke straightened a bit more. "I'll go find him."
Rin looked at him like that was the worst decision he'd ever made. "Right, so I should send the one who can't even manage to hold a map the right way to find the one that's lost." Rin sighed, and folded the roster under his arm. "I can go." He frowned though as he said it.
"Let me." Sousuke said. "you've got captain stuff to take care of anyway once we get back," glancing at the team. He looked back out to the parking lot. "It's not like me and Makoto can't catch the train."
Rin looked over at him before giving in. "Alright. You seem to keep track of him best any how." He sighed as he signed off on the roster. "Go find him, and drag him back to Samezuka so I can yell at him."
Sousuke chuckled before shifting to the stairs. "See us back there." He said as he stepped off the bus and started back to the building.
He could try the locker rooms first maybe. They were so close to Iwatobi if possible Makoto could have just gone to see some old stomping grounds. Though judging from his behavior up until now, Sousuke doubted that was the case.
He pulled out his phone, sliding past the lock screen to open his messages. Makoto's name was third on his list after Rin and an automated reminder about-for a doctors appointment. He opened it up and typed out a quick message, asking where he was.
As Sousuke pressed the button at the top of his phone to get it to lock he glanced around again, wounding if maybe Makoto was back at the pool. If his obsessive behavior was anything to judge from that was more likely than in the locker room. Glancing to the side of the building, it looked like the side walk lead back, maybe a bit of a short cut to the pool.
Sousuke shrugged, Makoto would probably text him back here soon, he was pretty prompt about it usually. The side walk way was all shaded by several trees too, so he might as well give it a try.
Sousuke pocketed his hands as he started back under the shade and around- he froze as he heard-
It was Nananse. Sousuke gave a long stride forward enough to peer around one of the tall trees and under brush to see who exactly was back there.
He was met with the broad back, a jacket inscribed with 'Samezuka,' and topped off with cinnamon mess of hair.
Sousuke considered quickly whether to intervene or not, but then Makoto was speaking and Sousuke sighed back to lean against the tree. Listening in wasn't dignified exactly, but-he could let Makoto deal with his shit, and be right here so they could go home when he was done.
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For the first time, maybe for quite a long time, Makoto felt no urge to explain himself. He just closed his mouth swallowing. This wasn't his farewell. He'd already given that, in his own way.
Haru's expression did yield a bit as he looked down. "You're mom asked me about you." He looked at Makoto's chest. "I couldn't really answer her with anything."
"I'm sorry, Haru. She's worried and no matter how much I tell her not to, she doesn't stop." Makoto said quietly.
"Maybe if you came home..." Haru said moodily.
Frowning Makoto reached up to Haru, ghosting a hand over his cheek as he tucked a strand of hair away from his face. "I'm sorry,"
Makoto stopped looking into those perfect ocean blue eyes. It was so easy to get lost in them. Everything he'd ever wanted was there, staring back at him. He wanted to fall into him, like falling into water. He'd always be caught there, be able to drift with the current-but drifting led him right back-
"I can't, Haru." Makoto said. His frown deepening as he starred at his best friend. "Please don't ask me to do that."
Haru's deep eyes just stared back at him for a few more seconds before he spoke. "Why did you enter the freestyle race today?"
Makoto pressed his lips together, shaking his head, a sad smile peaked through. He could feel how close he was to breaking and it was cloying at his throat. "I wanted to swim with you."
Haru shook his head violently. "That's not what it felt like."
"I'm sorry," it was all Makoto could think to say.
"Stop saying that!" Haru hissed at him. "It's not your fault."
Makoto shook his own head feeling as the first tear streaked down his face. "No, it's not. But I'm still so sorry."
"What did you want from today?" Haru asked. "Why did you swim today?"
Makoto felt like his throat was closing, like his breath was being pulled out of him, choked out in a strangling of the hollow nothing he had left inside. "I needed to say goodbye."
"No!" Haru hissed in a sharp voice. "You're still my best friend. I told you! I told you." He hung his head. "Nothing can change that."
Makoto closed his eyes, shaking his head. "I can't be who you need." It was all he could manage.
"Come home," Haru said. His voice sounded hoarse. "I-I fucking feel so lost with out you." He struck out, grasping onto the front of Makoto's jacket, "take this off! And just come back."
Taking his hand gently, Makoto tried as tenderly as he could to pull Haru's hand free, taking a step back in the process. "I can't." He repeated.
Haru was frowning, his eyes down cast as he refused to look at Makoto.
"I'm so sorry, Haru." Makoto said one last time. "I know you don't understand, but I can't do it."
"You ran away." Haru said suddenly, viciously. "You ran away from everything that should have mattered to you. We could have helped. We could have made it better!"
"No," Makoto shook his head.
"You don't know!" Haru suddenly said in the loudest voice Makoto ever heard him use. "You never let us try."
"Please don't do this, Haru." Maktoto pleaded, he still had Haru's hand in his, and Haru had clutched around his fingers, refusing to let go.
"We could have been in this together-" Haru started.
"No." Makoto cut him off, looking down. He felt as his face was streaked again and again with his tears. He looked up at Haru so close to letting out a sob. "I'm not him anymore." He shook his head. "I feel like I died there with them. When I was holding my sisters rib cage together I felt like someone was scraping out my own with a pitchfork." He took one painful breath, choking on the tears still streaming. "I will always try for the rest of my life to be your best friend again, Haru, I can promise you that, but I am not him any more."
Finally Haru's grip had loosened looking at Makoto with those big wonderful, perfect blue eyes.
"I feel hollow all the time." Makoto finally admitted. "I'm apathetic. I get nervous at nothing. I let-I do things I know aren't right, for anyone. And that's just the tip of it all. You have no idea the person I've become. I won't put you through that. We are not in this together, and I would never wish that on you. I won't do that to you, or my parents, or anyone else." He took another step back, giving Haru the only sorrowful smile he could manage.
"You're right," Makoto swallowed. "I ran. I am sorry for that, but it was never because of you or anyone here." He took Haru's hand in both of his. "I miss you. I miss this, but I need to be lost right now. I can't really see any other way to find out what I am now."
He let Haru's hand go gently. "I have to go now." Makoto said. Because if he didn't leave now there was no way he would be able to pull him self together later. He wanted to hug Haru but he didn't, he just let him have his hand back as he turned away.
"Makoto," Haru spoke as he looked up.
Makoto looked back at him, shaking his head. "I can't go back, Haru."
Haru ran forward then, grabbing at Makotso hand and pressing something into it. "I know what you are," Haru said quietly. "You're my best friend."
With that he closed Makoto's hand and backed away, not looking at Makoto as he went back behind the building in the direction of the pools.
Makoto sighed as he looked after him.
It was almost not surprising as he turned around and Sousuke stood there. He didn't look out of the ordinary. Something Makoto was thankful for.
He walked forward with his same casual gait. He tugged his jacket sleeve up, and lifted it to white as Makoto's face. He cleared away any thing of the tears before his fingers ran up through Makoto's hair, brushing it up away from his face. Makoto blinked, not quite sure if he should speak, looking down instead. Sousuke brushed his hair away from his face affectionately again before his hand was pocketed again.
"Come on, scruffy, we missed the bus already." Sousuke said as he turned back to the parking lot, making sure Makoto followed.
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It wasn't until much later on the train back that Makoto had managed to piece everything together enough to remember that Haru had pressed something into his hand, seeing Sousuke afterwards, he'd just shoved it in his pocket.
Leaning forward over his knees, Makoto dug into his pocket and pulled the little trinket out, holding it in the palm of his hand.
In his palm, rested a small plastic blue dolphin.
Next to him, Makoto felt as Sousuke shifted in his seat, restless. He never seemed to take train rides well. He'd get restless with his arms, extending them to rest on the backs of the seats one minutes and folded over his chest the next.
This time they were down at his sides, hands in his pockets as Makoto looked up at him. He gave Makoto a crooked smile, looking up at Makoto to meet his eyes. He didn't say anything as he looked away ahead of himself.
Makoto's stuffed it back into his jacket and sat back. Souske shifted then, giving a grumpy expression as he extended his arms along the back of the seats. He didn't really put his arm around Makoto, but Makoto didn't care as he closed his eyes and leaned back into it, breathing out a sigh.
It was a few minutes before Sousuke said anything. "Were the two of you-?"
Makoto let his head rest back on Sousukes arm. "Yes and not really."
Sousuke looked over at him, looking for explanation.
"Maybe," Makoto said, letting himself look at Souske. "If Rin hadn't of come back." He pulled in a breath. "But once Rin's hurricane blew through there was no hope for me."
Souske's teal eyes searched over Makoto's face. "Did the two of you-ever try being together?"
Makoto gave a sad smile. He wasn't sure he could have this heartbreaking conversation then. But he felt strangely glad to tell someone, and that Sousuke had asked here, and not back at Samezuka.
"Haru tried for me," Makoto said. "Once after-I lost my siblings." He closed his eyes as he leaned into Sousuke's shoulder. "I just couldn't do that to him."
"Do you still," Sousuke seemed to have trouble thinking of the word.
Makoto looked up at him, if he had it in him, he would have smiled, but he was so far past that. The great Alpha Male Sousuke it seemed was uncomfortable when talking about relationships. When it came to sex there was clearly no limits, but the binding glue of it all seemed to be something Sousuke was having trouble articulating.
"Do you still think about him?" Sousuke settled on.
Makoto frowned. "Yeah." And it only made it all hurt so much worse.
Sousuke didn't say anything next to him. But he did rest his cheek on Makoto's head. Maybe because he felt like it for once. Maybe because he didn't want to push Makoto away. Maybe because he could relate to Makoto finally. Maybe because he felt sorry for Makoto. What ever the reason, Makoto didn't care as he closed his eyes.
Cradled against Sousuke's shoulder felt like the water, like he was being caught and held and allowed to just float there without having to worry about what ever came before or what ever might come after.
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The next morning, Makoto could feel the energy as they dismounted the bus for the second day of the tournament, and he was finding he actually, kind of liked Sousuke when he was getting ready to race. It was surprising to say the least. He was still hovering over Makoto every few minutes but he did it with out the glares and comments.
Not that Makoto could say-he found that though Sjouske was grumpy and easily irritable and abrupt and demanding, Makoto was getting better at dealing with him all the time. Or at least maybe just getting used to him.
The night before had been surprising after they had gotten back to Samezuka. Rin announced the relay line up and once they had gotten back to the door room Sousuke had very quietly congratulated Makoto on making it into the relay team. Makoto was maybe just more easily seeing through Sousukes grumpy exterior. It seemed at least that when Sousuke did speak to Makoto he was at least very sincere. He never lied to him, never polished over things, never made them out to be anything but what they were.
Sousuke wasn't glued to Makoto that day it seemed though. He was drifting towards Rin more since that morning, and it gave Makoto a bit of air to think.
He couldn't place how he felt about the impending relay.
As he opened a locker and pulled his shirt off, he hoped it was the right decision. He honestly had thought about giving up swimming at one time, but that had been only passing. With out swimming, he wasn't sure there would be anything left of him.
As they left the locker rooms Sousuke looked over at him. hHe looked ditermined and gave Makoto only the slightest of smiles before continuing out. Makoto had heard Sousuke and Rin talking together about winning this relay.
Makoto took a big breath. He didn't want to let any of them down, but he wasn't so sure anymore if winning even mattered to him.
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The feeling didn't get any clearer as Makoto lined up with his teammates. Of course Iwatobi had to be placed next to Samezuka. Rei still refused to look at him, while Nagisa waved at Makoto eagerly. Makoto was starting to believe there was next to nothing that could damper Nagisa's sense of Friend ship. Makoto waved back and when he lifted his eyes, and when he did was met by Haru.
There was a moment neither seemed to know what to do before Haru nodded at him. In return Makoto smiled as best he could, pulling on the goggles and swim cap and stepping into the water.
Backstroke was always first. The rest of his team was already lined up and waiting for him. ...and that's what it felt like, not like they depended on him like they were waiting.
He tried to shake of the feeling as he pulled himself up on the starters block. He closed his eyes and tried to get his head on straight in the last few seconds he had.
The starters gun fired.
And Makoto pushed off of block, but it was a second behind the other swimmers on the line and he felt like he couldn't get his limbs to work as he crashed through the water. He tried to push through, closing his eyes he tried to stop all the whirling in his head and before he knew it he was surfacing gasping do air, he rebounded off the wall and darted back under the water, it felt suffocating.
He hit the starters block still a half a second behind Iwatobi's swimmer. His teammate had been ready though and arched off the block the second Makoto hit the block.
Pulling himself out of the water he was met with Sousuke's eyes. Makoto looked away and just looked down instead. Standing there he closed his eyes, turning to watch as the breaststroke leg was coming to a close.
"Don't worry about it," Rin said next to him, though his tone didn't imply that's what he actually meant. Makoto could blame him.
He nodded next to Rin.
"Sousuke will make it up," Rin said next to him.
Right, like always. Makoto looked down, Sousuke was cleaning up his mess yet again it seemed.
Sousukes bound off the block, perfect form as always. His long body arched and his arms came up in perfect reaction as he darted through the water, slipping through the current and powering through the water.
Rin was right, against Rei, Sousuke over took him before he'd even started on his way back. Makoto caught sight of the smallest-Sousuke's face looked tense too tense as he brought his arms back around... There was just half a second, Makoto saw that he wasn't the only one in this that wasn't quite right. By the time Sousuke had touched down on the block, Samezuka was in 1st place.
Rin leapt into the water a seconds before Haru.
Sousuke turned immediately once he was on land, his eyes tracking Rin's progress.
It wasn't until Rin hit the block, in first, and was pulled up on land that Sousuke even looked at Makoto.
But Makoto was looking to the score boards. Both Samezuka and Iwatobi had qualified.
"What the hell was that?" Makoto heard from his side. He turned to see Sousuke.
He wasn't looking at him angry just like he was confused.
"I'm sorry," Makoto said. Something about the day just didn't feel right, and he couldn't figure out why. "That was my fault. I won't let it happen again."
Sousuje cocked his head at him. "You didn't-" he looked to Iwatobi then back to Makoto.
It clicked suddenly for Makoto as well. Maybe he did. And his insides felt horrible for it. When he looked back to Sousuke, unfortunately he was pretty sure his expression betrayed him.
Chapter end.
Soundtrack: Blood, The Middle East
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