Chapter Ten
It wasn't until they were back that night that Makoto really had a chance to suss through the chaos of his head. The celebration of their victory had taken Sousuke with Rin for most of the after noon and into the night. It was a big step for the team. Makoto had declined, returning to the room on his own. He let his things drop to the floor as he entered the room. He collapsed on to Sousuke's bed, rubbing his hands over his face.
Had he really-? He cared about Haru, but doing that just seemed so out of his scope. Makoto laughed at himself. Right, like he even had a scope anymore!
He lowered himself to the floor. It for some reason didn't matter that Sousuke wasn't there, Makoto couldn't sit on his bed, knowing he probably wasn't into sharing at that moment with Makoto.
His head fell forward into his hands as he curled over his knees.
How had he gotten this messed up? Guilt was gnawing at him this time, chewing through his insides painfully. He felt guilty for leaving Haru, felt guilty for letting down his team, felt guilty for-for doing this to Sousuke.
Nothing he had with Sousuke was sincere! How could Makoto do that! God and all for a buzz that would last a couple hours at most!
He felt himself crying again before he could control it. He curled tighter around his knees, scrubbing at his face again. It wasn't his face, it felt like.
It wasn't his.
He wouldn't do this to the people around him,
How had he ever gotten to this point? How had he let what ever it was devouring him inside out have so much control? He shook his head before closing his eyes and blurring his face against his knees.
This wasn't him, and he hated it.
Put line here
Makoto woke when the dorm room door opened. Light spilled through the opened doorway, making Makoto blink several times as his eyes adjusted. He knew it was Sousuke and he rolled over in the top bunk, facing the wall. He'd crawled in bed way earlier then necessary and curled up under the covers hoping for nothing but sleep. There was nothing he could think to do about-everything, at least nothing in the immediate present. So sleeping seemed like the best option. He closed his his eyes, knowing Sousuke wouldn't really care.
Sousuke didn't turn on the light, just shut the door behind him. Makoto could hear him removing his jacket, sliding off his shoes. He sighed back into the bed covers, trying to clear his thoughts to sleep again.
He was suddenly jerked from his bed. Makoto's eyes flew open as he tried to steady himself, half hanging off the top bunk. He was made aware that Sousuke gripped his shirt firmly and was the only thing keeping Makoto from crashing to the floor quite a ways below him.
Makoto grabbed at one of the bars in the bed, balancing himself. "Sousuke-" he started.
"Let it go, Tachibana." Sousuek growled, deep and threatening, near Makoto's ear.
Confused, Makoto wasn't sure what Sousuke was talking about. He was abruptly jerked again, and Makoto let out a gasp as it felt like his arm was almost jerked out of its socket, and he very much realized what Sousuke wanted.
"Okay," Makoto said, slowly. He let go of the bar on bed, holding his hands up for Sousuke to clearly to see.
He was yanked all the way off then, his feet fumbling to get under him in time, as he fell from the bed.
Sousuke still clutched him from behind, pressing his chest to Makoto's back. "What the hell was that today?" He whispered viciously in Makoto's ear.
Unsure, if any answer would really satisfy him, Makoto just worked on standing, getting a good footing under him. He still held his hands out, making it clear he wasn't going to fight Sousuke. At this point it was a little bit ridiculous to try.
"Tachibana!" Sousuek hissed.
"I'm sorry," Makoto quickly got out. "You're right." He tried to comply. "I know it was my fault. And you have no idea how guilty I feel over it all."
"You have no idea what guilt feels like yet," Sousuke snarled.
Makoto was flipped then, coming to face the angriest Sousuke he'd seen to date.
"I thought I had made it very clear between us," Sousuke growled, his face dangerously close to Makoto's. "What ever the hell shit you had in Iwatobi stays in Iwatobi." Sousuke shook his head. "You don't bring it to this teams doorstep. You don't let it sabotage this year."
Makoto clutched at Sousuke's hands trying to keep them from strangling him if possible, he had at least that much strength left, though maybe not that much sense.
"I know," he said to Sousuke. "I know, I'm sorry."
Sousueks breathing hadn't calmed and he hurled Makoto against the wall. "You're fucking sorry?" He snarled. "Because of you, we were half a fucking second from not qualifying for Regionals."
Makoto braced himself against the wall behind him, holding himself ready for when Sousuke would come at him again. He didn't have to wait long as Sousuke crashed over him, bracing his arms against the wall at either sides of Makoto's head.
"I'm sorry." Makoto said again. What else was he supposed to say? "It won't happen again."
"No," Sousuke hissed. "It won't."
Makoto could feel as Sousuke drifted closer. "Damn it all, Tachibana." He growled as he moved his mouth it against Makoto's neck. "How the hell do I make you get your shit together?"
Letting his head rest back against the wall, Makoto could feel as his eyes drifted and his hands moved in to Sousuke's shirt. Sousuke didn't seem to like that though and with a gripping rough hold pinned Makoto's arms against the wall. He didn't kiss Makoto's neck like usual, just rested his head there, pressing into Makoto's skin.
Opening his eyes, Makoto licked his lips and blinked up at their ceiling. This wouldn't help anything. Using Sousuke like a sedative hadn't helped before and it wasn't going to help now. He was making it worse for Sousuke. If they hadn't-before the two of them had gotten all tangled up in each other Sousuke hadn't hesitated to really hurt Makoto and now he was hesitating. He'd left so he couldn't hurt his friends and finding a substitute to shove his problems off on to wasn't going to help.
Sousuke slid one hand away from Makoto's arm and down to the hem of Makoto's t-shirt, dipping beneath it.
"No," Makoto abruptly found himself whispering.
Sousuke either didn't hear or didn't understand as he slid closer to him. His teeth scrapped against Makoto's neck. Because kissing then would have been too sweet, mouthing, bitting seemed to make sense.
Makoto fisted his braced hand and with his one free hand pushed at Sousuke's shoulder. "No, Sousuke." Makoto said again. He tried to say it gently as he looked at Sousuke.
Sousuke looked up at him, cocking his head. He was still angry as his teal eyes glint in the limited light from outside the window. There was a moment that Makoto thought he was going to back off. His brow furrowed as his looked at Makoto.
They were grappling in the next moment as Soususke tried to pin Makoto to the wall again and for the first time Makoto fought him off.
In the tussle, Makoto flung himself away from Sousuke, stumbling into the middle of the room, and thankfully several feet from Sousuke. They both breathed heavy, and watched each other, as Makoto straightened.
Makoto shook his head, "this won't help," Makoto said.
Sousuke looked a bit taken back, "has it ever?" He asked so matter-of-factly.
"No," Makoto answered, shaking his head. "We don't even like each other all that much."
Sousuke snorted. "That matters because?"
Makoto took another step back, hiding behind the vertical bar of their bed. "Because I want it to. I don't want something like this to be meaningless."
Cocking his head, Sousuke gave Makoto a particular look. "Does it feel meaningless to you?" He snorted. "It sure as hell hasn't felt meaningless on my end." He was growling in a low voice again, no doubt Makoto was probably pissing him off more.
Makoto pressed his lips together as he considered what Sousuke was saying. "We're substituting-"
"Because you look so much like the love of my life."
"I mean it!" Makoto spoke up. "I-I know something's off with you, and it's been getting worse and I haven't pried, because it is none of my business, but I know what ever it is, you feel out of control. This isn't going to give any of it back."
Sousuke looked at him this time, in the eye, across the room. "And can you really tell me you're not hurting?"
"That's not my point," Maktoto said a bit taken back. "Filling holes with something that's equally has the potential to hurt doesn't solve either of our problems."
"Right," Sousuke said as he took a step forward, and into Makoto's personal space, he rested an arm on the top bunk and spoke, looming over Makoto. "And what we do is hurtful?"
Makoto looked down away from those teal eyes. What was he supposed to say? Yeah, we are screwing each other into a death match? That jerking each other around on a leash that felt shorter and shorter all the time was a really healthy way to go about fixing their lives? He shook his head. "I don't know. But it doesn't feel-" he wasn't even sure.
"Like soft kisses and tender whisperings?" Sousuke hissed.
Makoto looked away to the floor. Sousuke was mocking him now, great. "I'm just not sure sometimes if we are a good idea."
Sousuke sighed. "You told me you weren't here to pull others under the current with you, and maybe you really mean that, but today-you almost drug the entire team right off that cliff you keep trying to hurl yourself off of."
There was no way Makoto could get himself to meet Sousuke's eyes this time. "I know. I-"
"You're sorry." Sousuke growled. He was close to Makoto again, though Makoto couldn't pinpoint when that had become the case. "I know, you've told me several times before."
"I don't know what else you want me to say." Makoto said. He could feel Sousuke's breath against his skin again. He closed his eyes, almost wanting to lean into it. His smell was-warm and heavy, it was the smell of the pool and of the tall pines outside. It was distinct and Makoto could barely think around the idea of being able to sink into it, feel Sousuke grinding into him, clutching at Makoto's skin, growling in his deep voice, vibrating through his chest as he made Makoto feel like he was just him, in just that moment and blissful enough that he could just float away.
"I want you to finally take off that stupid smile," Sousuke startled Makoto out of his daydream as he bit down on Makoto's ear, growling the words in his ear.
Makoto hissed, and pushed Sousuke away. It was a harder shove than Makoto expected and he looked over at Sousuke to make sure he caught himself.
"There ya go," Sousuke said, sounding way too self satisfied. "We both know I've seen past that silly expression of yours. You're not happy, you're not okay with everything and you feel like you're being shredded apart from the inside. Hiding it by pretending you can breath water clearly hasn't helped, letting me toss you around you say doesn't help, so how about showing a bit of emotion."
Makoto let out a breath, not realizing he'd been holding it until then. "I don't have anything I need to-"
"Stop feeding me bull shit."
Makoto pressed his lips together again, wishing he didn't feel suddenly so cold, and so empty.
"Come on, Tachibana, let's make this meaningful." Sousuke growled. "You let me shove you into what ever I like for a reason now why don't you let a bit of that out for once."
Folding his arms over his middle, Makoto turned to the side, away from Sousuke. "Trust me, I'm pretty sure there isn't anything you haven't dug out of me."
"Hit me." Sousuke growled at him.
Makoto looked at him. His brow furrowed as he shook his head. "No."
"I pushed you onto your knees and made you suck my dick." Sousuke said as he took a step closer. "I snarl at you every couple of minutes. I practically stalk you. I tell you what to do constantly. I'm the worst roommate you'll ever have. That doesn't make you a bit mad, Tachibana?"
Makoto's brow furrowed downward this time. His eyes scanned over Sousuke hoping for once he could suss out what Sousuke wanted from him. "How would hitting you make any of that better?"
"You're right," Sousuke cocked his chagrin smile. "It would probably just make it all worse."
"Baiting me isn't going to make any of this better," Makoto sighed. He looked to the floor. "Would you just quit for once? Let something be?"
Sousuke expression dropped into something Makoto wasn't sure he wanted to recognize. "You're right I should just let it lie, leave you to deal with it all on your own, because that's working out great. How's the swimming coming? Drown yourself yet?"
"Shut up," Makoto snarled back for the first time. He looked up at Sousuke and frowned, breathing heavy through his nose. Watching those teal eyes, Makoto knew if he kept up this argument with Sousuke, it would go all night. He didn't relent, that was just exactly who Sousuke was.
"Fine, " Makoto growled as he hurled himself at Sousuke. He hit into him so hard Sousuke stumbled a step back, having to reach for the bed to keep balanced. "Have what you want," Makoto cursed as he sealed his lips over Sousuke's.
He didn't give Sousuke much time to react as his hands started down at his jeans. Lifting Sousuke's shirt, Makoto slid his hands under and and clawed his nails into Sousuke's skin, drawing down the V of his abdomen to his belt buckle.
Sousuke let out a hiss, breaking their kiss. His hand was clutching up at Makoto's face, but as Makoto started to yank at the belt to get it free his grip changed, his hand palming over Makoto's throat, flexing his grip like a threat. In answer, Makoto finally got enough leverage to jam a hand down Sousuke's pants, tugging Sousuke's dick into filling in his hand.
Sousuke attacked Makoto's lips again, growling as he bit and licked and bruised Makoto's lips into compliance into thekiss.
They breathed hard into each other's mouth, cursing under their breathes as they tore at each other. Makoto pulled at Sousuke's shirt again, insistent on getting it off as he gave Sousuke a shove. Sousuke tackled him to the floor in exchange and they grappled again. The tangle of limps settled as Sousuke rolled on his back, carrying Makoto to seat himself over Sousuke's hips.
He gripped over Makoto's throat again pulling him into a kiss.
Makoto let out a hiss as Sousuke bit down on his bottom lip.
"Feel that Tachibana?" Sosuske said as he sucked and licked at the lip.
Makoto tasted blood and dug his nails into Sousuke's cock still in his hand.
Sousuek let out a yowl, and jerked Makoto's hand out of his jeans. He fisted a hand in Makoto's fringe and yanked his head back as Makoto's hand fumbled its way to Sousuke's throat in return.
Sousuke let out a snort as he lifted his head up and took Makoto's lip between his teeth again and bit down. Makoto squeezed his eyes shut as he let out a hiss again, feeling the blood trailing from his lip.
Letting the bottom lip drop out of his mouth, Sousuke was speaking again. "How does really hurting like that feel?" He licked up at Makoto's abraised lip, suckling at the deep cut. His fisted hands grip loosened and Makoto let his head drop to Sousuke's shoulder.
He smeared the blood from his lip against Sousuke's neck, his hand around Sousuke's throat shifting to grip up and around his head, Right under Soususke's ear.
"Please stop say those things," Makoto whispered. He closed his eyes as his free hand gripped down Sousuke's chest to his loosened waist band again.
Sousuke own hands were framing Makoto's hips, gripping to his back and tracing down to start tugging Makoto's boxers down. His broad hands, ran over Makoto's ass, squeezing just enough as he directed Makoto's hips to curl in and down.
"Am I still meaningless to you?" Sousuke hissed as he moved in against Makoto's ear. He dug his nails into Makoto's skin then, slamming his hips down again into Sosuskes groin.
"You know I never meant it like that." Makoto said into Sousuke's neck.
Sousuke just hummed, yanking Makoto's boxers down farther, enough Sousuke could grind his cock up and against bare skin, but not enough so that Makoto would have to move to take them off completely.
"Lube?" Sousuke groaned in Makoto's ear. "Or would you prefer I just tear into you bare?"
Makoto clawed at Sousuke's neck, burying his face further. It didn't feel like he was drifting this time, he wasn't allowed to disconnect it seemed this time around. Instead Sousuke was reeling him closer. There was plenty of room on the floor but they curled into each other and fought to get closer, to break skin and bleed together and into each other.
Sousuke's hand grappled up into the side of their desks, opening drawers and pulling out what ever he found. He finally pulled out a tube of lotion and growled into Makoto's jaw line. He bit against the skin there, tugging lightly but not really inflicting pain this time.
Makoto could hear as Sousuke ran a slick hand over his cock before his hips jutted upwards and Makoto was gasping into Sousuke's collar bone. Makoto's hand fisted in Sousuke's hair, his other hand clutching at the carpet. It was a real difference from the times before when Souske had spent most of their foreplay with his fingers knuckles deep inside Makoto. Regardless, Sousuke didn't stop till he was all the way in and Makoto was breathing hard against him.
One of Sosuske's hands found its way between them, palming Makoto through his boxers. Makoto's groaned, his teeth gnashing against Sousuke's collar bone.
"Bite me," Sousuke said, his mouth somewhere buried in Makoto's hair. "I hurt you, hurt me back."
He would have refused, if Makoto had been himself and if they had been some normal couple that cared about each other and kissed and cooed sweet words and if Makoto didn't feel like there was nothing left to his insides, like they were bare and raw and bleeding.
Sousuke pulled his hips back, slamming back up into Makoto and Makoto let out a yowl as he clamped his mouth down on Sousuke's neck, making Sousuke gasp for breath. Sousuke started to roll his hips, his head resting back on the carpet as he took a deep breath.
"Yeah come on, Makoto, fight back a little." Sousuke said a bit breathless as his hands found Makoto's hips and he pumped in and out.
Makoto groaned, releasing Sosuke neck as he pushed himself up on shaking arms. He shifted back into the motion, his forehead resting on Sousuke's sternum. He could feel his lip still bleeding. He could also feel Sousuke's cock thrusting into him, filling him and Makoto wasn't sure he could breath evenly. He pushed up all the way.
Teal eyes caught his own gaze, and Sousuke's hand found Makoto's placing them at Sousuke's chest before they went back to running up Makoto's sides and squeezing his thighs and palming Makoto's erection in intervals.
Makoto balanced, sitting back, he shoved his hips all the way down on Sousuke's cock. At the same time, clawing his hands over Sousuke's chest, digging the nails of one hand over a nipple.
Sousuke groaned and thrust his hips up insistent, his head thrown back and eyes wide open as he watched Makoto over him. His hands came up, suddenly yanking Makoto's T-shirt up over his head and tossed it to the floor.
Makoto let a whimper quiver past his swollen bottom lip as he started to move, humping back against Sousuke's legs and farther down on his dick and then rolling his hips up and forward, threading his cock through Soususke's fisted hand. Sousuke just watched as with ever roll of Makoto's hips he fucked himself as well as stroked him self off with just a bit of Sousuke's help.
Sousuke couldn't last long passive like that though it seemed as Makoto felt him shifting under him. Makoto's own head was thrown back, his throat feeling dry as he tried to keep breathing and moving on Sousuke's cock. Sosuke hand threaded through his hair as the first sign as he was jerked back down and his mouth was crashed into Sousuke's.
Maktot let out a yelp as he found how painful kissing was. He closed his eyes then, supporting himself on his elbow and Souskue slammed up into him, impaling him and growling into his mouth. Feral and incarnate they humped and ground into each other hard, ridding out what ever issues they could manage.
Finally their peak couldn't be put off anymore as Makoto tore his mouth away in a yell as white hot rush poured through him. He shook and gasped and tried to keep steady as Sousuke slammed into him, egging on his orgasm.
With a whimper, Makoto finally dropped his head, falling against Sousuke's neck and limbs failing. Soususke didn't stop though his hands clutching at Makoto's skin as he pumped up into him.
Makoto groaned, his mouth open and smearing fresh blood over Sousuke's shoulder as he whined. He felt too sensitive and too worn to keep going. His hand pulled at Sousuke's hair, nosing into Sousuke's neck. He cracked his eyes open just as Sousuke let out a growling groan his back arching off the carpet and spearing himself into Makoto.
Makoto was a bit surprised as he felt it inside as well, swallowing as he watched Sousuke climax under him as well as aware of the wet fluid spilling inside of him.
Sousuke's chest heaved as he came back down. A hand dropped to Makoto's back, tender this time as he traced between Makoto's shoulder blades.
For a few minutes they just lay there catching their breath. Maktoto slid off of Sousuke, but their legs tangled and ended up pulling them both on their sides.
Sousuke pressed his forehead to Makoto's, his eyes hooded but still open as he asked. "Is this still meaningless?"
Makoto's eyes shifted to look at Sousuke. He felt so tangled up in him that they might bleed if pried apart. "No," he said quietly looking away.
Put line here
Makoto woke facing the wall again. He wasn't sure when exactly they had transitioned from the floor to Sousuke's bed but it had more than likely happened when they started falling asleep on the floor, breathing in the same air, Makoto was pretty sure they hadn't separated much. They hadn't really talked afterwards but they didn't move away either.
It was also becoming clear that the two of them had entirely different sleeping habits. Makoto always slept on his side, usually facing the wall, slightly curled. He didn't take up much of the bed despite his size. It was probably a good thing since Sousuke always seemed to take up as much of the bed as humanly possible. He slept on his back or stomach, splayed out over the mattress, sometimes a foot or hand hanging over the side. He didn't like covers, usually just a sheet bunched at his waist, which was nice since Makoto pulled the duvet almost up to his chin most nights.
It was an odd fit, yet it still seemed to work.
Sousuke sighed in his sleep and Makoto shifted to find Sousuke's face against the back of his neck and shoulder. He was on his stomach, an arm lazily resting under the covers across Makoto's waist.
Makoto shifted again, hoping he wouldn't wake Sousuke, but not so sure he was going to get out of bed otherwise.
With a deep inhale of breath, Sousuke's head lifted and he blinked down at Makoto.
"Uh-hey," Makoto ended up saying.
Sousuke gave a deep hum in acknowledgement before shifting on his side he pulled Makoto back into him. It was a sleepy, lazy motion.
It was a few minutes for Sousuke to wake up before he moved at all again, finally pulling away to shift up on to his elbows and observe their room. Their cloths were strewn across the floor, they'd managed to knock a few things off both of their desks in the tussle, Sousuke's things were still where he had dropped them near the closet.
Makoto shifted on to his back, still very aware of the lack of space between him and Sousuke. Not that the bed was really big enough. There wasn't much hope to do anything but touch with how broad the two of them were at the shoulders.
Sousuke noticed, looking down at Makoto. He didn't smile, that somehow seemed not right for the feeling between them. But he leaned down, and opened his mouth to claim a kiss from Makoto's lips.
For which, Makoto immediately groaned. "Mnnhhhh."
Sousuke pulled back, reassessing the damage of Makoto's lower lip.
"How bad is it?" Makoto asked, half joking, and unfortunately half very serious. Explaining this was going to suck and even worse Makoto wasn't looking forward to how chlorine would feel on it.
"Well the domestic abuse charges should hold up." Sousuke shrugged. He wasn't smiling still and Makoto wasn't sure if he was irate with what had happened last night or worried-probably both.
Makoto let out a small laugh. He looked over at Sousuke and wondered out loud. "I thought you said you didn't like blood." Looking at Sousuke's shoulder it seemed that the evidence of Makoto's injury was still smeared on his skin, dry and dark, but still there.
"I thought you weren't going to let me leave marks." Sousuke said in return. He was looking away as he said it. But as he finished he looked down at Makoto and lifted a hand and gently let his thumb brush against Makoto's swollen lip, his other fingers caressing down Makoto's cheek. "I've certainly left something to remember me by."
It seemed-out of character now to say something like that and Makoto cocked his head. "What-what are we Sousuke?"
Instead of answer, Sousuke looked away again, pulling his hand away as he looked back up to the window. He armed a pillow under his head and gazed at the sunlight filtering in through their blinds.
It wasn't like. Makoto could say he knew either. He sighed back, looking to the top bunk as he let his head rest against Sousuke's arm. Maybe there wasn't a clear answer yet. Or maybe there was a clear answer and neither of them wanted to see it.
"Should we talk about-what happened last night?" He asked, unsure if he should even keep talking.
Sousuke didn't quite seem all there next to him.
"I'm not sorry." Sousuke suddenly gruffed. "I mean I-I don't want-I don't know what I was thinking last night. I wanted you-present."
Makoto sucked in a breath, looking up at Sousuke as best he could from the odd angle. "It's fine. It was entirely consensual."
"You told me, no."
"And then I told you yes." Makoto countered. "I hurt you too." Makoto reached up to trace the dark bruised bite mark on Sousuke's neck. "I don't want to do it again." Makoto admitted. "But we were equally in it last night."
"I think-" Makoto started looking down at his hands holding the covers over his bare chest. "We both had things to hurt over last night and you were right-I needed to stay present. I did. I can't say I feel better this morning. But I don't feel like I ran away or that I hid anything last night."
Sousuke still hadn't looked down at him, and didn't seem like he was going to. Makoto closed his eyes, sighing. He was surprised when he felt Sousuke shift next to him, coming up on his side he directed Makoto back on his side as he pulled him in at the same time, tucking an arm around Makoto's middle.
"I really want you to say something," Makoto said, letting Sousuke have what he wanted as he turned on his side, feeling Sousuke's breath at the back of his neck.
He wasn't given an answer for several seconds and almost thought he wasn't going to get one at all until Sousuke leaned his head down and kissed the peak of Makoto's shoulder.
"Mine," he said just loud enough Makoto caught it before tucking his head in and against Makoto's neck Sousuke let out a breath, eyes closed again.
Makoto wasn't sure if that meant things were getting worse or better between them.
Put line here
It wasn't until they were leaving practice later that day that Makoto noticed Sousuke finally shifting out of his funk.
They had spun some story about going jogging and Makoto tripped, landing with a cut lip. Sousuke had spent practice with his jacket on, hiding the long red marks Makoto had managed to leave on his chest, as well as the bruised biting on his shoulder.
Makoto could feel Sousuke next to him as he opened their door to the room. He'd been quiet most of the day. Not that they had done much. Most of the morning had been spent in bed before Sousuke had finally been convinced that Makoto was at least hungry. He had pulled Makoto back on the bed when Makoto had started doing homework. As far as Makoto could tell Sousuke spent the rest of the after noon till practice with his nose in a book.
As Makoto entered the room, he looked over the mess the two of them had been ignoring. Sousuke had already sat down on his bed, looking distant and stoney as he had been all morning.
When Makoto started pulling off his jacket at the closet he finally heard Sousuke speak.
"My first priority here is Rin." His voice was that low baritone it always was, but he didn't growl it.
Makoto hung the jacket up. "I know." If it had all been different he would say the same about Haru. It wasn't though and he was alone here now.
"I won't let you get in the way of that."
When Makoto turned he saw Sousuke staring at him. "I-" Makoto wasn't sure what to say. They hadn't really worked through what had happened at prefecturals so a part of him had guessed this was coming, but he wasn't sure what to say now that it was coming to a head. "I understand." Makoto ended up saying.
Sousuke kept eye contact with him. "If I don't think you really are in this, I will tell Rin not to put you on the relay for regionals."
Makoto sighed. "That's completely fair."
Sousuke nodded and turned his head away.
"Why did you swim the relay?" Makoto asked, surprised he'd wanted to know for a while, it didn't seem like Sousuke.
Sousuke sighed. "I wanted to see it, what ever the hell it was Rin and all you other's keep going off about."
Makoto pulled on at shirt he'd be fine falling asleep in and went to his desk, pulling out his laptop. "Did you?"
He turned just as Sousuke looked up at him. His hands were pressed palm to palm, his finger at his mouth. "I don't know."
Sitting back on the desk top Makoto nodded as he looked down at the laptop he had under his arm, resting on his leg.
"It means everything to Rin though. " Sousuke said as he stood, stepping closer to impose his size over Makoto. "And Rin is important to me. I won't let what ever we got started mess up anything for him."
"I know." Makoto said, looking up at Sousuke. "I would never let you get in Haru's way."
"You're still that loyal to him?" Sousuke asked.
Makoto looked up at Sousuke, not smiling as his brow lowered. "Haru is my best friend. I left him, not the other way around. I would go to the ends of the earth for him."
"The feeling clearly isn't returned." Sousuke said rather straightforward.
Makoto cocked his head. This was turning strangely personal and biting. "It doesn't matter." He looked at Sousuke a bit more confused. "Why does it matter to you? I'm pretty sure you and I aren't a couple."
Sousuke hummed, his eyes roamed over Makoto's face, landing at Makoto's swollen cut lip. He lifted his hand, his thumb just barely grazing over Makoto's affronted lip. "Maybe because I'm pretty sure I'll be the one left to piece you back together."
"If we are still in this room together." Makoto amended.
"What?" Sousuke asked, his hand on Makoto's face pausing.
He seemed sincerely surprised, Makoto concluded as he watched Sousuke's face. "Empty promises right now, won't help either of us." Makoto said. "Once we aren't packed together like this, will you really care about what happens with me?"
Sousuke didn't answer, seeming to be really not sure what his answer would be as his hand dropped back to his side.
Makoto didn't have it in him to leave it there and he reached up, barely touching Sousuke's cheek as he leaned up. With a grimace he pressed a small kiss to Sousuke's lips before leaning away to speak. "Rin comes first. I completely understand, and it's fine. I never expected anything different."
Turning away then Makoto set his laptop on his bed, turning again to find the textbook that had his homework in.
"You really mean that?. Sousuke asked behind him. "You never thought there-this is what you expected?"
Makoto didn't turn, looking down at the textbook in his hands. He wasn't sure he could turn. "I spent my entire life living next to the boy I'm pretty sure I'm in love with. It's not like I didn't try. You don't think I fought, but I did. I did everything I could think of. But I still lost." He snapped the textbook shut. "Rin has always come first. Why would I expect anything different at this point?"
The hollowness was suddenly clawing at Makoto's throat. He wasn't quite sure when he started letting Sousuke have every drop of honesty that Makoto could offer, but it was quickly digging a grave Makoto wasn't sure he could pull himself out of.
He didn't feel like he could move confidently as he looked down at his desk.
"Right," Sousuke said in a quiet voice behind him.
Makoto could feel the realness of his own words hitting through him. He could feel his eyes watering. It all seemed to crumble so fast. He thought he was getting better until he realized he wasn't.
He could hear Sousuke shift behind him, probably not even watching Makoto any longer.
This really wasn't helping them. Makoto wasn't sure Sousuke had been entirely full of crap. What would happen when he wasn't there to pull Makoto back from the brink? And what the hell was Makoto thinking refreshing everything Sousuke ever felt for Rin. He wasn't just refreshing it, he was pouring salt on the wound, every time. It wasn't healthy for either of them.
Makoto sighed, scrubbing his hands across his face. Trying to wipe any trace from his face as well as hide just another moment from his roommate.
He snatched up the text book and turned to pull himself up on his bed, when Sousuke was there again. A bit too soon Makoto observed reddening. Sousuke pushed Makoto down on his bed before handing him his laptop.
"We'll end up down there eventually anyway," he mumbled. As he went to his own desk and dug out his homework.
When he sat on the bed, Sousuke gave Makoto plenty of space, laying at the end of the bed, away from Makoto against the wall at the head.
Not sure what to say, Makoto just looked down at his homework as he opened his laptop and tried not to think about how Sousuke's feet touched his at the other side of the bed.
Chapter end.
Soundtrack: Mess is mine, Vance Joy