Robots Of Sherwood
The Doctor is doing Gallifreyan maths on a blackboard up on the gallery, near his bookcase. Clara is down by the console, swivelling in his easy chair. Adam is near the Doctor and Clara both.
"Take a punt." The Doctor says.
"Right." Clara responds.
"Your choice. Wherever, whenever, anywhere in time and space." The Doctor tells her.
"Well, there is something, someone that I've always wanted to meet. But I know what you'll say." Clara asks.
"Don't handle her with padding, Doctor. Let her have her choice." Adam tells him.
"Try me. Don't let Mister New Sexy leave you." The Doctor asks Clara.
"Mister New Sexy? You looked the same when you were in the tenth incarnation." Adam complains.
"You'll say he's made up, that there is no such thing." Clara says.
"Really? Ask him and everything is beyond your imagination." Adam tries to scare her.
"Go on." The Doctor tells her.
"It's. It's Robin Hood." Clara gives her answer.
"Robin Hood." The Doctor repeats.
"Yeah. I love that story. I've always loved it, ever since I was little." Clara tells the Doctor.
"The book or the Disney movie?" Adam mentions.
"Robin Hood, the heroic outlaw, who robs from the rich and gives to the poor." The Doctor describes.
"Yeah." Clara says.
"He's made up. There's no such thing." The Doctor tells her.
"Ah, you see?" Clara huffs.
"Should have not asked then." Adam gives a simple explaination.
The Doctor takes a book from the bookcase.
"Old-fashioned heroes only exist in old-fashioned story books, Clara." The Doctor describes it to her about the features of fictional heroes like Robin Hood.
"And what about you?" Adam eavesdrops.
"Me?" The Doctor asks.
"Yeah, you. You stop bad things happening every minute of every day. That sounds pretty heroic to me." Clara describes the Doctor like a fictional fairytale hero.
The Doctor licks something from a large metal spoon.
"Just passing the time. Hey, what about Mars?" The Doctor asks.
"What?!" Clara shouts.
"The Ice Warrior Hives." Adam tells Clara.
"You said it was my choice." Clara whines.
"Or the Tumescent Arrows of the Half-Light. Those girls can hold their drink." The Doctor also tells her another destnation to get her away from her Robin Hood stuff.
"Doctor." Clara says.
"And fracture fifteen different levels of reality simultaneously. I think I've got a Polaroid somewhere." The Doctor goes on.
"Doctor! My choice. Robin Hood. Show me." Clara whines more.
"Just do it for her. Don't mind me." Adam tells the Doctor.
They all go down to the console.
"Very well." The Doctor gives up his lying.
He sets the coordinates.
"Earth. England. Sherwood Forest. 1190AD. Ish. But you'll only be disappointed." The Doctor says. He sets the Tardis flying.
The birds are singing, and a long tree trunk has been placed across the stream to act as a bridge. The Tardis materialises slightly up the slope and the Doctor steps out.
"No damsels in distress, no pretty castles, no such thing as Robin Hood." The Doctor tells Clara in case.
An arrow slams into the Tardis next to him. A figure in dressed in Lincoln Green pops up from behind a tree trunk on the other side of the stream.
"You called?" Robin introduces himself and winks. "Very, very nicely done with the box, sir. I saw a Turk perform something very similar at Nottingham Fayre."
The Doctor pulls the arrow out, and the hole vanishes.
"It's a trick with mirrors, no doubt?" Robin asks.
"A trick?" The Doctor says.
"A good jest. Ha, ha!" Robin laughs.
"This is not a trick. This is a Tardis." The Doctor explains about the Tardis.
"Whatever it is, you bony rascal, I'm afraid I must relieve you of it." Robin says to the Doctor about his Tardis.
"It's my property, that's what it is." The Doctor explains to Robin.
"Well, don't you know all property is theft to Robin Hood?" Robin reminds him.
Robin stands in the middle of the 'bridge' without his bow and arrows.
"You're not serious." The Doctor says.
"I'm many things, sir, but I'm never that. Robin Hood laughs in the face of all. Ha, ha,
ha." Robin tells him as he laughs again at the Doctor.
"And do people ever punch you in the face when you do that?" The Doctor asks Robin of his annoying laugh.
"Not as yet." Robin tells him, nobody punches him because of his laughing.
"Lucky I'm here then, isn't it?" The Doctor says.
Clara comes out of the Tardis, dressed in a red medieval-style dress, with long cut-away sleeves and a thin girdle around her hips. There is also a silver rope across her forehead that stays in place as if glued there. Adam comes out in a jacket like the Doctor's and with a cigarette in his mouth.
"Might be a little bit much, but what do you reckon, Doctor" Clara says.
"By all the saints. Are there any more in there?" Robin asks the Doctor, maybe not in a sexual manner.
"Is that?" Clara says.
"Yes." Adam answers for her. He drops the cigarette in the water.
"No." The Doctor puts his into perspective.
"Oh, my God. Oh, my God! It is, isn't it? You found him. You actually found Robin Hood." Clara says as she goes very girlish and giggly.
"That is not Robin Hood." The Doctor tells her.
"Well then, who, sir, is about to relieve you of your magic box?" Robin asks.
Robin draws his long sword. The Doctor walks onto the bridge.
"Nobody, sir. Not in this universe or the next." The Doctor tells him.
"Well then, draw your sword and prove your words." Robin announces himself.
"I have no sword. I don't need a sword." The Doctor says, lying to get through this 'fight'.
The Doctor opens his coat and turns to prove it.
"Because I am the Doctor." He then announces himself to Robin, late in their conversation. He dons a gauntlet. "And this is my spoon. En garde!"
They trade thrusts and parries. The spoon stands up to the sword very well. The Doctor hits Robin on the back of the neck as he passes him.
"Ow!"
"You're amazing." Clara says for the Doctor.
"I've had some experience. Richard the Lionheart. Cyrano de Bergerac. Errol Flynn. He had the most enormous." The Doctor tells Clara and Adam about his experiences.
"Ahem." Clara stops his sentence in between.
"Ego." The Doctor continues his sentence.
"But it takes one to know one." Adam tells the Doctor for his ego comment. The Doctor slaps Robin's backside
"Oh, you." Robin says.
As he retaliates by cutting a button off the Doctor's coat. So the Doctor holds his arms wide open and Robin lunges with his sword. The Doctor deflects it and does a little turn so that he and Robin are back to back on the trunk. Then he sticks out his bottom and pushes Robin into the water. Splash!
"Doctor!" Clara shouts.
The Doctor polishes his spoon.
"Like I said. My box." The Doctor tells Robin.
"Doctor?" Adam asks the Doctor.
They look into the water. Robin is not visible. Because he pops up behind the Doctor and pushes him into the water. Clara and Robin laugh as the Doctor gets out and they all start walking but meanwhile a settlement in the landmasses of the forest which is a few thatched wattle-and-daub buildings, and a Celtic cross on a plinth. Knights in full armour are making the chickens scatter. A young woman is being dragged away chained to yoke across her shoulders. An old man runs up.
"In the name of all that's holy, take our money, take our treasure, but spare my ward." The old man called Quayle asks the knights.
"Do not fuss. All will be well." His ward tells Quayle.
"This is the Sheriff's doing. If he were here now, I'd tear out his black heart!" Quayle profounds.
A figure back-lit sitting on a horse speaks.
"Would you now?" The figure, who also the Sheriff of Nottingham but he dismounts off his horse. Or are you as milk-livered as your name suggests, Master Quayle?"
"Take me. Spare this dear child." Quayle asks the Sheriff.
"Take you? A lardy lack-wit like you? It's labour we require up at the castle. Labour and gold. Not old men and their worthless baubles. This will be a great help, Master Quayle, believe me. Newcomer to Sherwood, are we?" The Sheriff tells him.
"Yes, my Lord." Quayle anwsers.
"You may also prove useful. Bring her." The Sheriff says.
"Your days are numbered, you cur." Quayle expresses his opinions on the Sheriff as he spits in the Sheriff's face.
"You shall live to regret that. Actually, no. You won't." The Sheriff tells Quayle as the Sheriff stabs Quayle in the stomach.
"No! No!" Quayle shouts.
Outlaw's hideaway, In a narrow gullly. The outlaws live in shallow caves under the treeline.
"Let me introduce you to my men. This is Will Scarlet. He is a cheeky rogue with a good sword arm and a slippery tongue." Robin introduces one of his merry men.
"My lady." Will says to Clara.
The Doctor pulls some of his hair out as he bows, and scans it with the sonic screwdriver.
"Argh! What do you want with my hair?" Will asks the Doctor.
"Well, it's realistic, I'll give you that." The Doctor says.
"And this is Friar Tuck. Aptly named for the amount of grub he tucks into." Robin describes Frair Tuck.
"You skinny blackguard." Tuck tells Robin.
The men laugh a lot. As Tuck steps forward, he nearly falls.
"What are you doing?" Tuck asks the Doctor as the Doctor stands up with one of his sandals.
"This isn't a real sandal." The Doctor says.
"Yes, it is." Adam and Tuck both answer.
"Oh. Yes, it is." The Doctor reliases.
"This, er, is Alan-a-Dale. He's a master of the lute, whose music brightens up these dark days." Robin then introduces the next member of his Merry Men.
"Stranger you are welcome here, in Sherwood's bonny glade. Ow!" Alan starts to sign with his lute before the Doctor has jabbed his arm with a hypodermic gizmo.
"Sorry, sorry, sorry. Blood analysis. Oh. All those diseases. If you were real, you'd be dead in six months." The Doctor explains to Alan.
"I am real." Alan says.
"Bye." The Doctor responds.
"And this is John Little. Called Little John. He's my loyal companion in many an adventure." Robin introduces the last of the Merry Men as a man mountain steps aside and a small man jumps forward, to general merriment. Clara exclaims at this.
"Works every time." Will says.
"Oh, I cannot believe this. You, you really are Robin Hood and his Merry Men." Clara tells them.
"Aye! That is an apt description. What say you, lads?" Robin calls to his friends. They all agree on the description as they also start to laugh.
"Stop laughing. Why are you always doing that? Are you all simple or something? I'm going to need a sample." The Doctor explains while trying to ask questions during as he picks up a goblet and throws away the contents before walking up to Robin...
"Of what?" Robin asks.
"Excuse me. Sorry. What are you doing?" Adam asks.
"Well, they're not holograms, that much is obvious. Could be a theme park from the future. Or we might be inside a miniscope." The Doctor explains his possible answers.
"Oh, shut up." Clara asks the Doctor.
"A miniscope. Yes, of course. Why not?" The Doctor continues on with his miniscope answers.
"Your friend seems not quite of the real world." Robin describes the Doctor
"No. No, he's not really. Not most of the time. Dark days?" Clara says.
"My lady?" Robin asks Clara.
"You said that these were dark days. What did you mean?" Clara asks Robin again.
"King Richard is away on crusade, my lady. His tyrant of a brother rules instead." Will explains the 1190 crusade.
"And the Sheriff. Cos there is a sheriff, right?" Clara says.
"Aye. It is indeed this jackal of the princes who seeks to oppress us for ever more." Alan describes the Sheriff of Nottingham.
"Or six months in your case." The Doctor reminds Alan.
"It is a shame to dwell on murky thoughts when there is such beauty here." Robin says.
"Why are you so sad?" Clara asks Robin.
"Why do you think me sad?" Robin says.
"Because the Doctor's right, you laugh too much." Adam tells him.
"You know, I do not live this outlaw life by choice. You see before you Robert." Robin tries to say.
"Earl of Loxley." Adam says with Robin.
"Sorry. Do go on." Adam asks Robin.
"I er, I had my lands and titles stripped from me. I dared to speak out against Prince John. But I lost the thing most dear to me." Robin explains to them.
"What was she called?" Clara asks Robin.
"You're so very quick. How does the Doctor stand it?" Robin says.
"Marian?" Clara reminds Robin.
"You know her?" Robin asks Clara about if she knows Marian.
"Oh, yes. I have always known her." Clara tells him.
"It was Marian who told me that I must stand up and be counted. But, I was afraid. Now this green canopy is my palace and the rough ground my feather bed. Maybe one day I will return home, but until that day. Until that day, it is beholden on me to be the man Marian wanted, to be a hero for those this tyrant sheriff slaughters." Robin explains.
"What time is it, Mister Hood?" The Doctor jokes.
"Somewhat after noon." Robin says.
"No, no. Time of year? What season?" The Doctor asks.
"Oh, Dame Autumn has draped her mellow skirts about the forest, Doctor. The time of mists and harvest approaches." Robin explains the season of where they are at.
"Yeah, yeah. All very poetic. But it's very green hereabouts, though, isn't it? Like I said, very sunny." The Doctor says.
"So?" Clara asks.
"Have you been to Nottingham?" The Doctor says.
"Climate change?" Adam thinks.
"It's 1190." The Doctor says.
"You must excuse me. The Sheriff has issued a proclamation and tomorrow there is to be a contest to find the best archer in the land. And the bounty, it's an arrow made of pure gold." Robin explains.
"No! Don't, don't go. It's a trap." Clara tells Robin.
"Well, of course it is! But a contest to find the best archer in the land? There is no contest." Robin says before some general hilarity.
"Right, that isn't even funny. That was bantering. I am totally against bantering." The Doctor says.
"How can you be so sure he is not the real thing?" Adam asks.
"Because he can't be." The Doctor reminds Adam again.
"When did you stop believing in everything?" Clara inquires.
"When did you start believing in impossible heroes?" The Doctor asks her.
"Don't you know? In a way, it's rather sweet." Clara says.
The Doctor bites into an apple then scans it with his screwdriver.
We are then shown Caerphilly Castle with its artificial lakes, which was built from 1268 onwards. Nottingham Castle is built on castle rock by the river with the city around it. The contest is taking place in the central ward.
"In the contest for the golden arrow, after ten rounds, the battle is betwixt our Lord Sheriff." Herald announces with some obligatory cheers from the crowd. "And the stranger known as Tom the Tinker."
Robin in a wide-brimmed leather hat gets a rousing reception.
"Perhaps not such a stranger after all." The Sheriff says.
"Take your places." Herald tells them.
"Shall we make the contest a little more interesting, my Lord? The targets seem a little close. What say you? Another twenty paces?" Robin asks the Sheriff.
"Why not?" The Sheriff says.
The central target is moved back. The Sheriff fires his black arrow into the middle of the bulls-eye.
"Now, Tinker. Let us see thy true face." The Sheriff asks Robin.
Robin's white-fletched arrow splits the Sheriff's.
"Ye Gads! He has split the arrow! Truly, he is the finest archer in all England. Come forward, Tinker. And claim your prize." Herald annouces.
But before Robin can take the prize, an arrow with multicoloured feathers splits his own. It is the Doctor's.
"He's full of surprises, isn't he?" Little John says.
"I'm the Doctor. My skills as a bowman speak for thems1elves. I claim my reward." The Doctor annouces.
The Herald kneels and the Doctor takes the prize.
"A mere bauble." The Doctor laughs it off.
He throws it away in the general direction of the Merry Men.
"I want something else." The Doctor asks.
"Name it." The Sheriff says.
"Enlightenment." The Doctor tells the Sheriff.
Robin splits the Doctor's arrow. The crowd roars. The Doctor's next arrow ricochets off a guard's armour to split Robin's. Robin retaliates by not even looking when he looses his missile.
"This is getting silly." The Doctor tells everyone.
The Doctor points his sonic screwdriver at the target, and it explodes in a ball of flame.
"Fascinating. Seize him!" The Sheriff tells his knights.
Three knights draw their swords. Clara takes what looks like an anachronistic halberd from a rack and tries to swing it. It is too heavy for her.
"What are you doing? Put that down." The Doctor asks Clara.
"I'm fine." Clara tells the Doctor. "I take Year Seven for after school Tae Kwon Do."
"She's lying to make us feel better. I take the Year Seven's." Adam reveals.
"Don't worry, Doctor. I'll save you." Robin tells the Doctor.
"I don't need saving." The Doctor responds.
"Your honour is safe." Robin reminds him. "For I am Robin."
He removes his hat and every one cheers.
"Robin Hood!" Robin shouts.
Robin severs one of the knights' arms. It falls to the ground and sparks a bit, The Doctor picks the arm up.
"Robot." The Doctor describes. The knight's visor opens to reveal a metal face. A violet light shines in a cross pattern from between its eyebrows.
"Now we're getting somewhere." The Doctor says.
"Take them. Kill the rest. Kill them all!" The Sheriff annouces to the robots. The robot knights fire energy bolts from their foreheads.
"He surrenders!" The Doctor shouts.
"What?" Robin asks.
"Hai!" The Doctor shouts some more as he uses Venusian aikido to knock Robin's sword out of his hand.
"You miserable cur. I had them on the run. Flee, lads, flee! Live to fight another day!" Robin says.
"Come on!" Tuck tells the Merry Men as they run for their lives.
"To the dungeons with all of them." The Sheriff annouces.
"What are you up to?" Clara asks.
"Quickest way to find out anybody's plans, get yourself captured." The Doctor tells Clara.
The castle, with little lighting and a high roof. There are screams somewhere and a giant bubbling crucible. A man carrying a bucket collapses on the floor.
"Here, let me help you." Quayles's ward asks the man.
"Thank you, Lady." The man responds.
A knight looks at them, visor open.
"What are you? Gargoyle, what are you?" Quayle's ward asks what the hell is the knight is.
"Leave it." The knight tells her.
"He only needs to rest. We all need to rest." The ward responds.
"Analysis shows that peasant creature is spent." The knight examines.
"No. No, please." The ward says.
"Usefulness expired." The knight tells the ward.
A violet energy beam turns him into a smoking pile of rags.
"Damn you! Damn you and that villain the Sheriff!" The ward shouts.
Inside the dungeons - A skeleton is sitting up against a stake fastened into the floor of the stone chamber. A single cross slit illuminates the room. Our four heroes chained together, with the chains running through large hoops set into stones in the floor. Robin is on the left as we look at them and Adam, then the Doctor, then Clara
"Splendid." Robin says. "Enchained."
"Because that is always good." Adam says.
"Yep." Clara says.
"Trussed up like turkey-cocks. Thanks to your friend." Robin tells them.
"Shut it, Hoodie. I saved your life." The Doctor tells him.
"I had the situation well in hand." Robin says.
"The situation that went OUT of hand." Adam explains.
"Long-haired ninny versus robot killer knights? I know where I'd put my money." The Doctor jokes.
"If you had not betrayed me, I would have been triumphant." Robin calls on himself.
"You would have been a little puff of smoke and ashes." The Doctor explains.
"Oh, ha!" Robin laughs.
"You'd have been floating around in tiny little laughing bits in people's goblets." The Doctor continues his explanations.
"Balderdash. Ha!" Robin laughs again.
"Oh, right, here we go. It's laughing time." The Doctor says.
"Anytime can be laughing time, just not all the time." Adam annoyingly explains.
"Well, you amuse me, grey old man." Robin tells him.
"Guard! He's laughing again! You can't keep me locked up with a laughing person." The Doctor roars over the other three people in the room, Adam; who seems bored, Clara; who is getting more and more aggrovated by the minute that passes as these three people try to out do each other.
"Oh, I find that, I find that quite funny. Do you know, I feel another laugh coming on. A-ha-ha-ha!" Robin says.
"Guards, I cannot remain in this cell. Execute me now." The Doctor roars over the room again.
"You heard him. Execute the old fool." Robin asks.
"No, hang on. Execute him." The Doctor says.
"I do not fear death, so execute away." Robin tells the Doctor.
"Execute him. I'd like to see if his head keeps laughing when you chop it off!" The Doctor says.
"Oh, Robin Hood always laughs in the face of death." Robin tells him.
"Yes, rolling around the floor laughing, I would pay good money to see that." The Doctor says.
"Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard! Guard!" The Doctor and Robin shout together for the guard.
"Oh, you two, shut up! Do either of you understand, in any way at all, that there isn't actually a guard out there?" Clara shouts to both of them.
"Oh."
"I did, in fact."
"No, you didn't."
"I said, shut up. The Doctor and Robin Hood locked up in a cellar. Is this seriously the best that you can do? You're determined to starve to death in here squabbling." Clara tells them.
"Well, I'll tell you one thing. I'd last a lot longer than this desiccated man-crone." Robin says.
"Man crone? Are you really saying this?" Adam asks.
"Really." Robin says.
"Well, you know what? I think you'll find I have a certain genetic advantage. Oh!" The Doctor says.
Clara has yanked on the chain attached to his wrist.
"It is not a competition about who can die slower." Adam says.
"It would definitely be me, though, wouldn't it?" The Doctor tells them.
"There was supposed to be a plan. Do either of you three have a plan?" Clara asks.
"Yeah, of course I have a plan." The Doctor says.
"I too have a plan." Robin copies the Doctor.
"Okay. Robin, you first." Clara tells Robin.
"Why him?" The Doctor whines.
"Doctor, shut up." Clara tells him.
"Thank you, Clara." Adam says.
"Robin, your plan." Clara continues.
"I am biding my time." Robin tells her.
"Thank you, Prince of Thieves. The Oncoming Storm?" Clara finally asks the Doctor.
"Yes, I have a plan." The Doctor starts his sentence.
"Can you explain your plan without using the word sonic screwdriver? Because you might have forgotten the Sheriff of Nottingham has taken your sonic screwdriver, just saying. It's always the screwdriver." Clara describes how his plan may not work because of the stolen sonic screwdriver.
"Okay, let, let, let, let's hear Robin's plan first." The Doctor finishes the sentence.
"Oh, for God's sake." Clara tells herself.
The door is unlocked.
"See? There was a guard. There was guard listening the whole time, I knew it. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Robin tells himself.
The guard is a man with no teeth left, just rotted stumps.
"The Sheriff himself commanded me to listen, to find out which of you is the true ringleader." The guard tells all of them.
"Ah, so he can do the interrogating. Very wise." The Doctor says.
"Excellent. He will get nothing from me." Robin says.
"No, no, no, no. no. He will get nothing from me, because interrogation, that's where I always turn the tables. You see, that's my plan." The Doctor explains him and interrogation.
"Just hurry up and take me to him." Robin responds.
"No, no, chop-chop, come on." The Doctor tells the guard.
But, the guard unfastens Clara's chains.
"Seriously." Clara huffs herself.
"Come on." The guard tells Clara.
"No." The Doctor says.
"What are you doing?" Robin asks.
"Don't be ridiculous!" Adam tells the guard.
The door slams shut and is locked.
Nightime at the bandits hideout, Little John is holding the golden arrow. It goes from speaker to speaker.
"'Tis a thing of beauty indeed." Little John describes it.
"And will feed a family for a twelvemonth when melted down." Tuck says.
"Tonight we rest. Tomorrow we must draw up plans to rescue Robin. We shall soon see how those Mechanicals feel about the taste of Nottingham steel. Lord, forgive me." Will says.
"Strange, though, is it not?" Alan asks.
"What?" Little John says.
"All this looting that the Sheriff is doing, and yet 'tis only ever gold that he takes. Pearls, rubies, all the precious jewels of the realm seem no consequence to him. Only gold." Alan describes why the Sheriff never takes the other treasures.
He hands the arrow to Tuck and picks up his lute.
"Poor Robin and the stranger lay, In the dungeon all the live-long day. The Merry Men might pine away, Upon a Sherwood morning." Alan sings.
Back at the castle, we watch artefacts dropping into a giant crucible. One of the knights opens the gate at the bottom and the molten metal pours out into an intricate mould, like a giant printed circuit.
"Eat, my Lady, eat. Let it not be said that the Sheriff of Nottingham is a poor host." The Sheriff tells Clara who seems to be at the other end of the well-stocked table.
"I had a bag of crisps this morning, thanks." Clara tells the Sheriff.
"Your words are strange, fair one." The Sheriff says.
"Mmm, I should think they are." Clara agrees.
"But I like you. You're refreshingly direct." The Sheriff says.
"You can take the girl out of Blackpool." Clara jokes about Blackpool (The birthplace of Jenna Coleman).
The Sheriff holds up something oblong wrapped in cling film. Then the spoon.
"Taken from your friend's strange tunic. An intriguing gallimaufry. Including this wand. Evidently a thing of awesome power. Tell me, are you from beyond the stars?" The Sheriff describes as he then asks Clara if she is a ailen.
"You're the one with the robot army, you tell me." Clara reminds the Sheriff.
Back at the dungoun.
"I'm sorry?" The Doctor says to himself.
"No. Beat your breast. Moan. Groan as though twenty devils possessed your guts." Robin tells himself.
"What for?" Adam asks Robin.
"So as to attract the attention of that gargoyle-faced guard." Robin says.
"It's your plan. You moan." The Doctor tells him.
"No, no. No, it won't work." Robin says.
"Why?" The Doctor asks.
"Oh, because you're clearly more advanced in years and you have a sickly aspect to you." Robin describes.
"I have a what?" The Doctor asks Robin.
"You're as pale as milk. It's the way with Scots. They're strangers to vegetables." Robin describes The Doctor (or maybe Peter Capaldi himself.)
"I'm not moaning. You moan." The Doctor tells Robin.
"Fine. If you want something doing." Robin tells him as he moans loudly. "Can I rely upon you to do the rest?"
"Yes, yes, I know the drill." The Doctor says.
The guard speaks through the grill in the door.
"What is this din?" The guard shouts.
"No business of yours, cur." Adam tries to say. "Speak up. I can't hear you."
"What ails him?" The guard asks.
"None of your business." The Doctor tells the guard.
The guard enters.
"I said, what ails him?" The guard asks him again.
"Well, if you must know, he's having a nervous breakdown." Adam tells the guard.
"A what?" The guard asks.
"He's like this whenever he's in any kind of danger. He just can't seem to cope. He gets so afraid. He goes into a kind of fit. I honestly believe that he may die of sheer fright, like some tiny, shivering little mouse. Oh, God, I think he's soiled himself." The Doctor explains.
"Let him die. It will save us the trouble of executing him." The guard says.
"And what will happen to the reward?" Adam says.
"Reward?" The guard asks.
"Oh, God, I shouldn't have said that." Adam whispers.
"Tell me!" The guard shouts.
"He carries a vital message. The Prince has promised a bounty." The Doctor describes the message.
"A big one?" The guard asks.
"An enormous one." Adam lies.
Robin mumbles. The guard leans close to him.
"What's that? Say again?" The guard asks.
"Come closer. Your breath stinks like a serpent, has anyone ever told you that?" Robin describes the guard.
Robin gives the guard a head-butt, knocking him out cold.
"Soiled myself?" Robin asks as he seems a little embarssed.
"Did you? That's getting into character." The Doctor says. "Okay, keys."
"I'll get them." Robin asks.
"No, no. I'll get them." The Doctor tells Robin.
"I'll get them. I'll get them." Robin argues.
"I'm fine, no, no worries. I've got them!" The Doctor tells him again.
"I've got them! I'll get." Robin argues more.
The two pairs of competing feet end up kicking the guard's keys down the drain.
"Well, there is a bright side." The Doctor tells Robin and Adam.
"Which is?" Robin asks.
"Clara didn't see that." Adam tells Robin.
Back at the Sheriff's hideout, with Clara and the Sheriff.
"But enough of tawdry matters. Let us talk of softer, sweeter things." The Sheriff tells Clara as he uses his dagger to spear a sweetmeat.
"Ah. Good, yes, I was hoping we'd get round to that." Clara says.
"You were?" The Sheriff says.
"Mmm. For I have known I was destined to draw the eye of a great and powerful man for a long time. Ever since I saw those mysterious lights in the sky." Clara describes.
"You saw them too?" The Sheriff asks.
"And those strange mechanical men, with their promises." Clara continues.
"I too have experienced this." The Sheriff says.
"Really? Well, I would never have guessed. Tell me your story." Clara says as she then asks him.
"Tell me yours." The Sheriff asks her instead of the over way around.
"Oh, no, no, no, no. But you have to go first." Clara tells him.
"Why so?"
"Because great men always precede." Clara says.
"You have a point." The Sheriff inquires.
"Your story, then." Clara asks.
"Once upon a time, there was a brave and clever and handsome man." The Sheriff begins to say.
"I can almost picture him. I don't even have to close my eyes." Clara describes this man.
"Unappreciated by his royal master." The Sheriff continues.
"Prince John?" Clara says.
"The very same." The Sheriff says.
"Then came the lights in the sky, and everything changed." Clara says.
"The skyship came to Earth in a fury of fire." The Sheriff continues.
"I'd almost call it a crash. I remember it well." Clara reminds him.
"A craft from the heavenly spheres, bedight with twinkling lights and miracles beyond imagining. The most beautiful thing the brave and handsome man had ever seen." The Sheriff continues his description.
"And I suppose the mechanical men saw you as their natural leader?" Clara asks.
"It was I and I alone to whom the mechanical men then imparted their secrets. Shortly, I shall be the most powerful man in the realm. King in all but name, for Nottingham is not enough." The Sheriff continues.
"It isn't?" Clara asks.
"After this, Derby." The Sheriff continues.
"Right." Clara whispers to herself.
"Then Lincoln. And after Lincoln." The Sheriff continues some more.
"Worksop?" Clara jokes.
The Sheriff stabs his dagger into the table as he says.
"The world!"
In a passageway, away from the dungoen that they were in before. Robin is carrying the block with the loop their chains are running through.
"Now what?" Robin asks.
"First, a blacksmith's forge." The Doctor says.
"So as to remove our chains?" Adam asks.
"No. So I can knock up an ornamental plant stand. Of course it's so we can get rid of our chains. I don't want to be manacled to you all night." The Doctor explains as Robin laughs. "Oh, no. Please, don't do that."
"Ornamental plant stand." Robin repeats.
"It's not even that funny." The Doctor tells Robin.
"You're an amusing fellow, Doctor." Robin describes the Doctor.
"Oh, don't. Can you just stop! You'll give yourself a hernia." The Doctor annoyingly tells Robin.
Back at the Sheriff's room.
"So what are you hanging around here for, then, Your Majesty? Why are you bothering to squeeze pips out of peasants if you've got a skyship on stand-by?" Clara tells the Sheriff.
"Enough questions. I'm impatient to hear your story." The Sheriff asks Clara about her story that she promised.
"Oh, but I do not have one. I was lying." Clara tells the truth.
"Lying?" The Sheriff asks.
"Yeah. People are so much better at sharing information if they think the other person has already got it." Clara explains.
"Oh, that's very clever." The Sheriff thanks.
"Thank you." Clara agrees.
"You'll do very well." The Sheriff says.
"For what?" Clara asks.
"Doesn't every king require a consort?" The Sheriff tells Clara as he leans over Clara for a kiss, and she manages to duck out.
"Right, you do that again and you'll regret that." Clara shouts at him for trying to do sexual assault.
Meanwhile, The Doctor; Adam and Robin come up some steps free of their chains. The Doctor spots an interesting sight - a metal doorway. He goes through it. The area is long, spartan and metal with a glowing hemisphere on a console at the end.
"At last. Something real. No more fairy tales." The Doctor says.
"What is this place?" Robin asks.
"A spaceship. More twenty ninth century than twelfth. Data banks, data banks, data banks. Where was this ship headed?" The Doctor describes the spaceship as he then asks where it went. The computer screen gives all the details. "The Promised Land again. Like the Half-Faced Man, but more sophisticated. It disguised itself as a twelfth century castle."
Graphic shows the spaceship landing pointy bit upwards and pretending to be the central keep.
"It merges into the culture, tries to keep a low profile, so no one notices. That explains the robot knights. But the engines. The engines are damaged. They're leaking radiation into the local atmosphere, creating a temporary climate of staggering benevolence." The Doctor explains.
"I beg pardon?" Robin asks.
"He told you. It's too sunny. It's too green. And there is even an evil sheriff to oppress the locals. This explains everything, even you." Adam explains to Robin without the Doctor doing it for himself.
"It does?" Robin asks.
"Well, what does every oppressed peasant workforce need? The illusion of hope. Some silly story to get them through the day, lull them into docility, and keep them working. Ship's data banks. Full of every myth and legend you could hope for, including Robin Hood." The Doctor tells him.
The data bank displays various book illustrations of the hero.
"Isn't it time you came clean with me? You're not real and you know it. Look at you. Perfect eyes, perfect teeth. Nobody has a jawline like that. You're as much a part of what is happening here as the Sheriff and his metal knights. You're a robot." He explains.
"You dare to accuse me of collusion with that villain, the Sheriff?" He asks.
"I dare." The Doctor says.
"You false-tongued knave. I should have skewered you two when I had the chance." Robin tells him.
"I would like to see you try." The Doctor warns him as the metal door is blown inwards by lasers.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah." The Doctor repeats his words.
The Sheriff enters with Clara and knights.
"Surrender, outlaw. The Sheriff tells the Doctor.
"Very good." The Doctor says.
"Kill him. Kill Robin Hood." The Sheriff annouces.
"You can drop all that stuff now, Sheriff." The Doctor says.
"Doctor?" Clara says.
"He is not what you think he is. This is all play-acting." The Doctor tells them all.
"We can't just let them kill him!" Clara shouts.
"You're not fooling anyone, Sheriff." The Doctor says.
A blast from a knight knocks Robin off his feet. Clara gets between him and the attacker. Robin grabs her around the waist and they back up to a window.
"What the hell are you doing?" Clara asks.
"Surviving." Robin tells her.
"No!" Clara shouts.
Robin falls backwards through the window, taking Clara with him.
"No! Clara!" Adam shouts.
Robin and Clara land in the moat. The full moon is reflected in the rippling water.
"Yeah, sorry about the girl. Such a pretty thing. What a queen she would have made." The Sheriff tells Adam and the Doctor.
The Sheriff turns away. The Doctor sees Robin climb out of the other side of the moat with Clara in his arms.
"Stop pretending. You and your fancy robots. I get it. I understand." The Doctor tells the Sheriff.
"Oh, so you too know my plans?" The Sheriff says.
"You and your robots plundering the surrounding countryside for all it's worth. Gold. Gold. Of course. Gold. You are creating a matrix of gold to repair the engine circuitry." The Doctor explains the plan.
"This is the scheme the Mechanicals have devised. Soon this skyship will depart. Destination, London. There I will obliterate the King and take my rightful place as ruler of this sceptred isle." The Sheriff says.
"It won't work." Adam tells him.
"There's not a chance. I've seen the instruments. There's been too much damage. You are stoking up a gigantic bomb!" The Doctor explains.
"Shush." The Sheriff says.
A knight knocks the Doctor and Adam out.
"Engine capacity at forty eight percent." A knight tells the slave workers.
Knights carry a gold circuit board away. The Doctor wakes up. Adam slowly does as well.
"Engine capacity at forty eight percent." The knight repeats.
"It's not enough. That's not enough. It'll never make orbit." The Doctor says.
"Try telling them that then." Adam asks him.
Amongst the wails and groans of downtrodden humanity there is a mechanical whumph!
"That's the engines, building in power. Stupid, stupid Sheriff." The Doctor explains.
He strains at the chains holding his wrists behind his back.
"Argh! Go on, give! Give, you stupid things." The Doctor says to himself as then says "What are you looking at?" to a person. It is Quayle's ward.
Next morning, Clara wakes to the sight of Robin's face.
"Hi." Clara says.
"The time for games is over." Robin tells Clara.
Back at the castle.
"I think I understand you. The Sheriff's using the gold to replace something." Quayle's ward says.
"That's the principle. But he's a moron. If he tries to fly this ship, it'll explode and wipe out half the country. What we need is a little riot. Time to reflect on lasers and gold. Spread the word."
Quayle's ward frees the Doctor's hands.
"I have a trick up my sleve." Adam says to himself, getting out of the handcuffs. "It's called escaping."
"You will tell me everything this Doctor knows about Robin Hood and his Merry Men." Robin asks Clara.
"What is this? Why are you interrogating me?" Clara asks him.
"And then, you will tell me exactly who this Doctor is and what are his plans." Robin says.
Back at the Castle... Where a knight has come to the Doctor.
"You are fit for labour. Stand aside while this peasant unit is freed." The knight explains.
"I'm afraid you're a little late." The Doctor tells it.
"Explain." The knight asks.
"We're already free!" Adam says.
The knight powers up his violet beam. The Doctor reflects it with a golden plate and it hits the wall. Quayle's ward produces another plate and this time it is bounced straight back at the knight. It's head explodes. More knights come, but all the workers have plates for shields (even Adam himself).
In the Sheriff's room, The Sheriff is annotating a map of England.
"Mine, mine, mine." The Sheriff tells himself.
"Engine capacity at seventy five percent." A knight reminds him as there is a beeping noise. The Sheriff pushes the papers aside to reveal a monitor in the wooden table. He watches the carnage that is taking place.
"Ods blood! Who will rid me of this turbulent Doctor?" He asks.
He punches a knight. It hurts.
"Come."
Inside the lower levels, People are screaming and dying, but so are the knights.
"Everyone, the last one!" The Doctor shouts.
It is surrounded by reflective surfaces. Its violet energy beam bounces around a lot until if finally returns to sender, multiplied several times. KaBOOM! Celebrations.
"Out, out! Everyone, quickly, get out. Quickly!" The Doctor shouts.
"You've saved us all, clever one." Quayle's ward says before kissing the Doctor on the cheek. "Thank you."
"Engine capacity at eighty two percent." A knight tells the remaining people.
"You are indeed an ingenious fellow, Doctor. But do you really think your peasants' revolt can stop me?" The Sheriff asks the Doctor.
"I rather think you're the revolting one around here. I'm bantering. I'm bantering. Listen to me. You don't have enough gold content to seal the engine breach. If you try and take off, you'll wipe out half of England." The Doctor explains.
"Liar! From my sky vessel, I shall rule omnipotent." The Sheriff tells him.
"You pudding-headed primitive, shut down the engines. What you're doing will alter the course of history." The Doctor says.
"I sincerely hope so, or I wouldn't be bothering."
The Sheriff throws a knight's head into the crucible.
"Listen to me. It doesn't have to end like this. Shut it all down, return Clara to me and I'll do what I can."
"I don't have Clara." The Sheriff says.
"Robin's one of yours." The Doctor tells him.
"What did you say?" The Sheriff asks.
"He's one of your tin-headed puppets, just like these brutes here." The Doctor tells the Sherrif.
"Robin Hood is not one of mine." The Sheriff says.
"Of course he is. He's a robot, created by your mechanical mates." The Doctor explains to the Sherrif, not to confuse him.
"Why would they do that?" The Sheriff says.
"To pacify the locals, give them false hope. He's the opiate of the masses."
"Why would we create an enemy to fight us? What sense would that make? That would be a terrible idea." The Sheriff asks.
"Yes! Yes, it would. Wouldn't it? Yes, that would be a rubbish idea. Why would you do that? But he can't be. He's not real. He's a legend!" The Doctor says.
"Too kind! And this legend does not come alone." Robin shouts.
Robin is up in the gallery.
"Hiya!" Clara announces.
Robin sticks his dagger into a wall hanging and slides down with Clara holding on to him.
"You all right?" Robin asks Clara.
"Hell, yeah." Clara says.
"Good. My men have taken the castle." Robin tells the Sheriff.
"No!" The Sheriff shouts.
"Now I'm going to take you." Robin annouces.
"This one's all mine." The Sheriff says.
The two knights guarding the Sheriff are deactivated by the amulet hanging around his neck.
"What do you say, outlaw? A final reckoning?" The Sheriff says.
"Oh, yes." Robin agrees.
Robin and the Sheriff prepare to sword-fight.
"Are you okay?" Adam asks.
"Fine." Clara tells Adam.
"Good. We don't have long." The Doctor tells them two.
The keep is rumbling and shaking.
"I shall avenge every slight, outlaw." The Sheriff tells Robin.
"Doctor." Adam says.
"I know. The whole castle's about to blow."The Doctor says.
"You have long been a thorn in my side." The Sheriff tells them.
"Well, everyone should have a hobby. Mine's annoying you." Robin explains.
"I'll have you boiled in oil at the castle by sunset." The Sheriff tells them all.
"Can we make it a little earlier? Cos that's a little past my bedtime." Robin jokes.
Robin cuts a rope and flies on it up to a cross-beam.
"I'm too much for you, outlaw. The first of a new breed. Half man, half engine." The Sheriff annouces.
The Sheriff also does the rope thing and they continue the fight up on the beam.
"Never ageing. Never tiring."
"Are you still talking?" Robin asks.
The Sheriff cuts Robin's arm and he drops his sword. Then he opens his arms just like the Doctor did at the stream.
"Bow down before your new king, you prince of knaves!" The Sheriff shouts.
The Sheriff comes at Robin, who turns so they are back to back then kicks the back of the Sheriff's knee. The Sheriff then falls into the crucible. Robin descends to the ground by rope again.
"Sorry. Was that, er, was that showing off?" Robin asks.
"That was amazing." Clara says.
The castle shakes. Masonry starts to fall.
"Run! Come on, run!" The Doctor shouts.
We leave a pair of gold-covered hands sticking out of the crucible.
From across the moat, we watch masonry fall and the spaceship take off
"It's never going to make it. Not enough gold. It'll never make it into orbit. Where is it? Where did it go?" The Doctor asls.
"Where did what go?" Adam says.
"The golden arrow." The Doctor reminds him.
"Tuck!" Clara shouts.
"You took it?" The Doctor says.
"Of course we did. We're robbers." Tuck tells him.
"I love you boys." The Doctor admits.
"Doctor, what are you suggesting?" Clara asks.
"Golden arrow. It might just be enough gold content to get the ship into orbit and out of harm's way." The Doctor explains as he offers Robin the bow and arrow.
"No, it has to be you." Robin says. "My arm is injured."
But the Doctor can't even get the arrow onto the bowstring.
"You're good at this. I saw you. You won the tournament." Clara says to him
"I cheated. I made a special arrow with a homing device." The Doctor explained with the arrow and the tournament.
"Oh, brilliant. Right, let me have a go." Clara says.
"You? You do Tae Kwon Do. That's not the same thing as this." The Doctor says to her.
"My friends. Surely we can manage it together?" Robin asks.
"Engine capacity at eighty three percent. Insufficient power to achieve escape velocity." A knight annouces.
Sitting on the ground, the Doctor and Clara hold each end of the bow while Robin braces it with his foot. He pulls back the bowstring and releases the golden arrow. It hits the spaceship directly in the middle of a roundel on an engine.
"Maximum power surge."
The spaceship blasts into orbit.
"Engines critical. Engines critical. Engines crit."
KaBOOM! The watching crowd cheers.
"One awful day in Nottingham, Brave Robin Hood was in a jam. The arrow flew it true." Alan sings before his lute is snatched from him.
"Give it a rest, Alan." Will asks Alan.
"Give me my lute!" Alan shouts at Will.
"Still not keen on the laughing thing?" Adam asks the Doctor.
"No, no, no, no." The Doctor tells him in which Clara and Robin laugh to his dismay.
Robin gives Clara a very personal archery lesson.
"Woo-hoo! I'm going to miss you. You're very naughty." Clara says.
"Oh, I know. Whoever he is, he is a very lucky man." Robin says.
"Marian is very lucky, too." Clara tells him.
"I fear not." Robin says.
"Don't give up. Not ever. Not for one single day." Clara asks him. She kisses his cheek. "Be safe, if you can be. But always be amazing."
"Hmm."
"Goodbye, Robin Hood."
"Goodbye, Clara Oswald."
Clara winks at him, then goes into the Tardis. Adam follows suth.
"So, is it true, Doctor?" Robin asks.
"Is what true?" The Doctor says.
"That in the future I am forgotten as a real man? I am but a legend?" Robin says.
"I'm afraid it is."
"Hmm. Good. History is a burden. Stories can make us fly."
"I'm still having a little trouble believing yours, I'm afraid." Robin tells him. "Is it so hard to credit? That a man born into wealth and privilege should find the plight of the oppressed and weak too much to bear..."
"No."
"Until one night he is moved to steal a Tardis? Fly among the stars, fighting the good fight. Clara told me your stories."
"She should not have told you any of that." The Doctor tells him.
"Well. Well, once the story started, she could hardly stop herself. You are her hero, I think."
"I'm not a hero." The Doctor says.
"Well, neither am I. But if we both keep pretending to be. Ha-ha! Perhaps others will be heroes in our name. Perhaps we will both be stories. And may those stories never end."
They shake hands.
"Goodbye, Doctor, Time Lord of Gallifrey." Robin says.
"Goodbye, Robin Hood, Earl of Loxley." The Doctor says.
"And remember, Doctor. I'm just as real as you are." Robin tells him.
In the Tardis.
"Admit it. You like him." Clara says.
"Well, I'm leaving him a present, aren't I?" The Doctor tells her.
Back at the stream.
Robin looks at a woman's portrait in a locket around his neck, as the Tardis dematerialises to reveal that same young woman has been standing behind it.
"Robin? I've found you at last." Quayle's ward says who is Marian
"Marian? Thank you. Thank you, Doctor!" Robin says.
He fires an arrow in the air.
A/N - I forgot about Adam, but serious I may not forget about him next episode and I will expand apon him (espically that final scene). But don't expect Listen out straight away, It took me a long time to not keep abandoning Into The Dalek and this episode from start to finish took me around a month. So, expect maybe the pre-titles and the dinner scene of Listen done by the end of this week, but the whole episode will come out. (Maybe late May to June). But also, to remind people that I will NOT be doing Time Heist and Mummy On The Orient Express because of what was said in the author's note of Deep Breath. And the finale... Oh! The finale, I have big plans for the finale.
I'll see you next time,
BattleOfDuty - 5th May, 2015
P.S - I'm voting Labour for the General Election. Who are you voting for?