Sup' guys! This chapter is the last one for now in my first fanfic, so it's going to be longer than usual! I'll try to conclude in a manner that makes as much sense as possible without rushing the story, so sit tight!

Chapter 4: Friends With Benefits (And Solids)

It was a long fly to the pocket dimension of Asgard. God could've teleported himself straight there, but that would've given him less time to fantasize about that bishoujo named Rossweisse, and put him face to face with Odin. Odin wasn't his enemy, but God felt that they might disagree over his taking to the Valkyrie. The last time they disagreed over something, they destroyed that part of the earth called "Pangea" or whatever with their auras flaring, and the Lord didn't want a repeat of that, seeing as how he was the one that had to clean it up (all the other pantheons had no involvement, and Odin had diplomatic immunity, that old bastard).

Halfway there, he sensed 2 energies nearby flaring up, though they weren't filled with malice. One had sorrow lingering around it, and the other had mischief swarming through its construct. Interested and not afraid of a detour, God decided to check out the scene. He came upon a landscape dominated by a large river. What he found there, however, wasn't as majestic a sight as the flowing body of water.

"WAHHHHHHH, I'M JUST A VALKYRIE WHO'S AGE DENOTES THE NUMBER OF YEARS I'VE BEEN SINGLE!" A silver haired beauty, identical to the one God was on this trek for, sat there crying. Above her stood the Nordic god of mischief, Loki, sporting a self-satisfied look and a sadistic grin. Not one to let tears fall from the ladies' eyes, God took to the landscape and confronted the prankster deity.

"Not digging the tears, youngin" the Lord spoke out, causing both the presumed Valkyrie and Loki to turn in unison towards the voices origin. "Oh hey, it's that douche of a kid Loki. How's it going numb nuts?" God spoke brashly and uninhibited, knowing full well that Loki wouldn't dare challenge the man who stood on equal footing with his father.

"… I'm fine" Loki replied, his composure almost immediately broken. With his voice slightly cracking and sweat dropping down the side of his face, he shakily replied again. "What brings you here, chief deity of the Christian religion?" You could just smell the fuckboy-ness coming off of him.

"Oh nothing, just looking for a certain Valkyrie" the Lord replied, grinning from ear to ear at his heroics working. Turning his head to the girl in question, he continued. "You there, you happen to resemble that stunning maiden a lot. Is your name Rossweisse by any chance?" God put all the swag he could into the mention of her potential name.

The woman, more surprised at the fact that a man had looked favorably upon her than that she was about to reply to the chistian God, answered meekly. "Y-Yes, yes that's my name your holiness." Remembering her manners, she bowed her head in a show of respect after she stopped sniffling from her previous activity. Loki, disgusted at the mushy gunk that he was witnessing, strayed off silently into the sky, cursing himself for being the only intelligent being in a sea of idiots.

The truth of the matter was that Rossweisse had turned Loki down not too long ago. Loki, being the narcissist he is, couldn't fathom why or how he could be rejected (basically Kiba with an actual god complex). Rossweisse, having no experience with even mortal men, did so in a haze of confusion and shyness. Loki then decided to press the attack, and as his title portrays, he did some rather mischievous things to try to win her over. The silver haired beauty, being reminded of the way Odin treats her, broke down in a fit of crying (she had actually created the river). Loki decided that she wasn't worth it and he was just going to be satisfied with pulling off some mischief for the day, sporting his aforementioned grin. Moments later, God intervened.

Back to the situation at hand, Rossweisse couldn't believe that she was being sweet-talked. Stammering while trying to get to her feet, the Lord helped her gain her balance. She freaked out at his touch, and began doing various body contusions that would make you assume she was screaming "FAIRY GOD PARENTS!"

"Whoa babe, calm down! I'm only here to help!" the Lord semi-shouted. After a full 2 minutes, the maiden got to her feet and tried uttering her gratitude. "T-t-t-t-thank y-y-y-youuuu." God got a kick out of this, and, taking after Loki a bit for shits and giggles, pulled her closer as he had not let her out of his grasp yet. With as seductive a face as he could create, he uttered the words every women (of Japanese descent anyway) wanted to hear from someone they liked.

"I won't let you sleep tonight." Yes, it was cliché, he thought, but it worked nonetheless for his amusement. Rossweise practically short-circuited, her face turning hot pink and her eyes dilating. To even God's surprise, she passed out. Scratching his head, he came to the conclusion that he'd just carry her to Asgard with him and explain to Odin later. On his way there, he came upon a trekking Loki who was still muttering about bringing Ragnarok about because of everyone's incompetence. "Time for a little fun on the way", the Lord thought.

Loki was the god of mischief, so naturally, if something that could aid him in wreaking havoc popped up, he was drawn to it. An aura the size of which Loki only felt from Odin came rushing from a hilly destination with a large boulder in plain view. Loki flew at a speed that was almost comical, ecstatic that something like this would conveniently present itself to him. "With this much power, it's only a matter of time before I can initiate Ragnarok" he thought. Upon arrival, he felt another huge aura approaching him. "Who's there!" he called out. Just as quickly as it appeared, the aura petered out, as if it had never been there in the first place. Loki, deeming it a hallucination, went on to the boulder where the power was originating from. He found a note in the center of it that answered his question, plainly reading:

"Deez nuts."

"…" He was at a loss for words. That aura he felt was familiar, but he thought he had left those two behind. Once again complaining about his fate, only with more expletives this time, he took to the skies. Loki, the god of mischief, had been outdone on this day by the (presumably) goody-two shoes God of the bible. Maybe retirement wasn't all bad.

Laughing his ass off with Rossweisse in tow, the Lord quickly made his way to Odin's abode. Upon arrival, he was greeted by Odin himself, having sensed his power relatively easy.

"Oh, I see you've found my assistant" the elder Norse god said, wielding his walking cane and sporting a somewhat goofy expression. "I had wondered if she had finally run away or not."

"HOW COULD YOU LOSE THIS HOT PIECE OF ASS!?" the Lord lashed out. He didn't want any problems, but was flabbergasted at how Odin of all people would let this glorious pair of oppai just walk right out. "Do you not want her or something?" he continuing, returning to a more normal tone. Odin, thinking his reason for letting her leave perfectly valid, announced it.

"Dude, she's old."

"… Really?" was all God could say, shocked at Odin's answer. "You watched the earth form, and you think she's old?" The Lord took a jab at the All-Father, seeing as how they were old acquaintances at the time of creation. Rossweisse, knocked out hitherto this point, began to stir. The familiar sensation of being unwanted was there, but something else was there too. Something… warm. "What is this?" she wondered. Opening her eyes, she was shocked to see two of the most powerful deities in the world conversing over her.

"Oh, looks like she's come to" Odin said nonchalantly. Placing his Gungnir in a floating stasis, he greeted his run-away bodyguard. "How's it going, widow?" he said with a smirk. God was confused at the question. "She had already married?" he thought.

"I CAN'T BE A WIDOW BECAUSE I'VE NEVER HAD A BOYFRIEND, WAHHH" she suddenly burst out. It was then that God fully realized what Odin had done. Retreating into his thoughts for a moment, he strategized the best way to get Odin to agree to his wish, and to stop the maiden from crying before she formed another river. A light bulb dinged over his head, and he saw that Odin was an even bigger pervy prick than he was. Knowing how pricks worked, he offered Odin a deal that he couldn't refuse.

"Say Odin, I've got a proposition for you." He was fully confident in his plan as he went on. "There's this girl, she's pretty young and has the hottest bod I've ever seen. She says her dream is to one day be your personal beard stroker." Odin, his curiosity peaked, inquired. "Go on" the All-Father of the Norse rattled out.

"Her name's…" the Lord paused for a moment, trying to think of as legit a name as possible. "Her name's Kibari, and she's a devil from my religion." Kiba was, unfortunately for him(her?) the first person that came to the Lord's mind since he had mettled with the Gremory group the day before. Without giving Odin any time to postulate, he went on with his plan.

"I'll tell her to come meet you in a few, if I can borrow this little Valkyrie of yours." Rossweisse, torn over the fact that she was being bargained over like an item but could potentially be whisked away by a chief deity, stayed silent and didn't even move, almost as if she was frozen. Odin stroked his beard and paced back and forth, weighing the loss and the gain uncharacteristically meticulously(mostly because other deities would give him flack if he traded away his bodyguard so easily, otherwise it'd be a done deal). God, seeing an opportunity, pounced on it.

"I've got a photo if you want to see it." This broke Odin out of his trance, and he simply replied that he would like to. Holding up a photo of Kiba's girl form (he had snapped pics with his bult-in camera on his armor's chestplate) and began showing off the more… appealing parts of it. Pointing to the oversized chest, thin legs, and young face, he chiseled away at Odin's lecherous, old mind. "And all you need to do to meet her, is have this dame give me a bit of her time."

Odin was defeated. This girl was beyond sexy, and she was young too!With gusto in his voice, he enthusiastically accepted the deal. "Done! You can keep the old lady for as long as you want, just let me see this rather gifted devil of yours as soon as you can!" God, smiling, handed Odin the photo, said "collateral", and teleported off in a huff with a shocked Rossweisse. As they were moving through the dimensional void that is teleportation, a wave of lustful aura hit him. "This is incredible" he thought. "No auras can usually enter the void, this one must be so strong that it overrode the boundaries in place." Making a sharp turn in the color-filled void, making sure not jerk Rossweisse harshly, he made a b-line for the source of the energy.

"You should count yourself lucky you can even stand in my presence!" Raynare said while wearing an outfit undoubtedly designed for S&M. "A queen such as myself is generous towards even worms like you!" Issei, with her high-heeled boot firmly planted on his chest, didn't really seem to mind it. In fact, he had heart-shaped eyes and seemed to mumble things unintelligibly. They were in his home, and the only two there.

"… The kid must have asked for this" the Lord said, having witnessed that exchange. God knew a masochist when he saw one, and Issei was most definitely "one of them". Rossweisse was immensely flustered, and covered her eyes out of embarrassment for peaking on a couple. To this, God said "don't shy away from this, it's just love, a specific type of love, but love nonetheless", trying to use as many euphemisms as possible to spare the pure valkyrie's heart. Flying off, they were in his field of view long enough for Raynare to pull out a whip. "As if the kid wasn't already whipped", the Lord thought.

Stopping by the Occult Research Club, he was pleased to find all the members there. Without directly stepping in, he reverted them back to their previous states. He was a troll, but not coldhearted like that to leave them in those states. The only one of them that showed visible relief was Rias. Koneko, patting her chest and blinking, sighed after she came to some type of realization. Akeno wasn't too bad off, she just wondered where she'd get such an outfit again for future "endeavors". Kiba… didn't change back. God had made that promise with Odin, and he intended to keep it (at least as far as he could without wrecking the pretty boy's life completely). Kibari was pretty irate at the fact that she(he?) was the only one to remain afflicted.

Retuning to heaven, the Lord allowed Rossweisse to rest on a cloud. She liked the fluffy sensation, almost as if this was her dream bed or something. Snapping out of her stupor when called upon, she turned towards the Lord.

"Now, fair young maiden, I have brought you into my kingdom. May I ask you to do something for me?" he said, being as polite as possible. Rossweisse, ever the loyal soldier, replied swiftly. "Y-Yes my lord, what is it that you ask of me?" God, with a winning smile, vanished into thin air. Within that same second, he came back with a bevy of outfits. A school swimsuit, teacher apparel, an apron, etc. With the same grin plastered on his face, he asked his question.

"Could you model for me, Valkyrie-san? Your beauty is unmatched and I need a face for my "I'm back" campaign. For all the beautiful women on the planet, God thought that she was the pinnacle. He'd need nothing less than perfection to announce his return, since everybody that participated in the Great War thought that he was dead. His smile twisting, showing the slightest hint of lecherous thoughts, he threw in one more statement.

"Oh, and if you're worried about compensation, don't be. I'm God baby, I can pay by the second." Rossweisse was once again torn. It was not in her to disobey her superiors, that was the way she was raised, but this was crazy. "Is he serious? He wants me… to model!? It's so indecent, but it's the first time a man has ever complimented me, much less a god! What should I do!?" As she was short circuiting once again, God had formulated one final plan. This would be the most elaborate one yet, and he had to pull it off perfectly to not risk driving her away.

"Yolo." He said it boldly and confidently. With a confused look on her face, Rossweisse began to pace back and forth, almost as if she was an impatient customer. The Lord further expanded upon his declaration. "You only live once, so why not? The benefits are certainly better than being with that geezer Odin, and my son won't make you literally cry a river. He's actually quite popular with the ladies."

Rossweisse, flabbergasted at how the deity brought his son into this, couldn't deny that being in heaven for the few moments she had was better than being constantly neglected by Odin. With a face full of resolution, she replied to his request.

"I accept your request, my lord. Even though I am very clumsy, I will do my best!" she exclaimed. "That's what makes you cute" thought the crafty God. "Great. There's no paperwork or anything, all you have to do is change and we'll get the shoot going. I've crafted a special room just for you, take all the time you need in there."

"Thank you, o hollowed one" she replied. Going into the interdimensional room, she took the apron with her first. God took notice of this, and revealed his most ambition-filled goal yet. "Naked aprons are great, but even better if the one wearing them is my wife" he chuckled. Having accomplished what he set out to do, he returned to his throne and sat on it as he awaited her finishing changing. When he sat down, he felt a familiar sensation though. Suddenly, his throne room filled up with fire as hot as a supernova.

Pulling a whoopee cushion out from under him as he quelled the flames, he read the letter that was attached.

"Dear Onii-san,

In celebration of that smoking-hot girl you brought back with you, I decided to "spice" things up a bit. Just wanted to share the love and say congrats!

Sincerely, Great Red"

With the indifference seeping out of him, the Lord folded the letter back up and proceeded to sit down. Wondering what was taking his maiden so long, he went to check up on her. Coming upon the interdimensional door floating in the air, he opened it just slightly enough to peek in without disturbing her (his masterful lecher skills kicked in). What he saw made him slowly shut it again.

"Play with me, onee-sama!" Ophis shouted. She had found her way into Rossweisse's dressing room, and sufficed to say, wasn't acting like her age. "Get off of me kid!" the silver haired Valkyrie yelled, confused at how a gothic Lolita kid got in. "I'm not sure who you are, but I'm not your big sister!" Rossweisse exclaimed.

"You're gonna marry onii-san right? Then you are!" Ophis gleefully said, tugging at the apron hanging off of Rossweisse's hip. At the mention of marriage, she turned hot red and passed out. Ophis, a little confused, kneeled down and began poking her with her finger, saying "hey old laddyyyyy, are you there?"

Soon enough, God came in with an army of limited edition dolls. Dangling them towards Ophis like she was a dog and throwing them out of the room, he lured her out into a transporting circle. Slamming the door behind him, he looked over at the Valkyrie. Her sleeping face (and body) were beautiful, deserving of heaven, the Lord thought. Sighing, he made a declaration.

"I may be an old lecher and pretty bad at keeping my habits in check too." He went on, "but if there's one thing that I can respect, it's peace and quiet." With that, he pulled the covers over the maiden, leaving everything just as it was for when she would awake. Easing her subconscious pain from passing out, he left out of the room and closed the door shut.

"Oh yeah, and oppai."