Chapter 4: Ingrained

They say when you give you heart to someone, it has a tendency to grow legs and walk away to far off lands.

Yuzu absentmindedly balanced a mechanical pencil on her nose, narrowing all of her focus on keeping the little thing perched there even when her hair tickled her eyes. Mei always said that she could only really focus on the most insignificant things, and she supposed this was a good enough example of that.

Thinking about her lover ended up breaking her concentration, and the pencil clattered onto the surface of the table.

To be truthful, there was no such saying about the heart, or whichever. It was just something Yuzu had been thinking alot, lately.

"Hey Yuzu-chi?"

Blinking, the blonde abruptly realized that Harumi was looking at her with an expectant look on her face, her expression soft but still tinged with impatience. "Mind if we make some progress on this project?"

"Oh, right," Yuzu muttered, reclaiming her pencil and spinning it around in her fingers. Once it was in the right configuration, she began scribbling something unintelligible on the paper sitting in front of her on the table.

The other two girls in their work group went back to whatever it was they were doing, whispering quietly amongst themselves at another table. They had decided to divide the work evenly between them, but even if they had been sharing the same chair with one ass cheek per person Yuzu wouldn't have been able to say what they were doing exactly. Her mind was still lost in Otherland.

Maybe her heart was there too?

Harumi watched her friend for a moment longer before returning to her own work. Yuzu felt a pang of guilt in her chest and tried to focus, knowing full well that the other girl tended to carry her dead weight through projects like this.

She was promptly foiled, however, when Harumi decided to speak.

"Thinking about her?" she asked, pencil going still as she raised her imploring eyes.

Yuzu pursed her lips slightly. There was nothing accusatory about the question, but it still set her on edge for some reason. "Yeah, I guess."

Harumi just smiled wanly, tapping her pencil against the paper. "Well, I do have to admit it feels weird not having the Prez around. Himeko still yells at me for dress code violations, of course, but it just isn't the same."

Yuzu smiled ruefully at the quasi-joke. The vice president was certainly doing her utmost to fill the hole Mei had left behind, but like Harumi said, it just wasn't the same. It wasn't as if the entire school had turned upside down; it just felt like something solid was missing. Not to mention that Himeko cast a considerably weaker presence when she was strutting around the halls, compared to Mei's sometimes intimidating elegance.

"Mei will be back eventually," Yuzu said simply, shrugging and trying to return to her paper.

"And until then?" Harumi murmured, scribbling something down herself. A ceiling fan was rotating slowly overhead, making the lights flicker weakly. "You haven't been the same since she left, Yuzu. Even if you do miss her. It's making me worried."

The blonde set her elbows on the desk, pulling the sleeves of her sweater over her hands and pressing them against her nose. "I'm not that obvious, am I?"

"Mmm…yeah, you kind of are."

Yuzu's forehead thunked against the desk. "That's great." Turning her head so that her cheek was squished by the hard surface, she stared out the window, which was dominated by the gray visage of winter. It was bitterly cold outside, and the sky was an unwelcoming colorless stretch that seemed to separate the world from something better.

Harumi actually sighed, the unusual sound drawing the blonde's attention. "I don't know, Yuzu. It's okay for you to miss her. I do too, in my own way. But sometimes I feel like you need her too much. Sometimes…sometimes I just feel like icing on the cake, you know?"

Eyes widening, Yuzu reached out and gently grasped her best friend's wrist.

"You know I love you too, Harumi," she said, as genuinely as she could manage.

But the girl just smiled.

"Not like you love her."

When Yuzu stepped outside, the cold struck her and gripped her body like a vice.

The two of them said goodbye to their classmates who had been working on the project with them, then approached the school gate on their own. Yuzu's neck and mouth were muffled by the embracing warmth of a wooly scarf, a present from Mei. Even so, the breath from her nose frosted like a lonely specter. The cold dusted her cheeks red.

"I've got to get home. It's my turn to make dinner," Harumi said, stopping at the gate. "See you tomorrow?"

"Yeah," Yuzu said, smiling widely through the scarf, a gesture the other girl seemed to reciprocate.

But as she turned around and walked away, Yuzu could only watch the back of her head and wonder about what she had said earlier.

The wind cut through her then, and she decided it was best that she got going too.

The streets were frigid and empty on the way home, and Yuzu made the walk in silence. Winter had a way of doing that, gripping everything in a muffling fist that never let anything go. Frost lined the sides of the roads, and the trees lining the houses were a skeletal black. It was an impersonal kind of purity, like a diamond with sharp edges. As if the frozen earth beneath Yuzu's shoes were protecting something much greater.

It reminded her of Mei, in a way.

Had the girl been by her side at this very moment, their elbows brushing discreetly the way they always did, perhaps Yuzu would have found the scenery romantic. The crisp air, the unmarked sky, the sense of solitude…but no, today she was alone, and there was a definite difference between solitude and loneliness.

Her phone buzzed, and she checked it to find a message from her mother asking when she would be home. Yuzu texted back that she was on her way before pocketing the device.

It had been three weeks since Mei had gone to the United States. Apparently international education was all the rage these days, and Mei's grandfather had recently become interested in forming a partnership with a newly built school in America. With the intense standards Yuzu's school had, the man had wanted to inspect it first to see if it was up to par. Which was absolutely fine with Yuzu; in all honesty, she didn't really care.

Except he had chosen to take Mei along with him.

It had felt totally unfair at first. The journey was going to take a full month, her grandfather's argument being that as a future headmaster, Mei ought to know what made a good school and what didn't. Which was all fine and dandy, but Yuzu could only think that it meant a month without Mei. The prospect had crushed her almost immediately, but what could she do?

There was absolutely no reason for her to accompany Mei and miss an entire month of school, or at least not one that would convince her mom, since I need her probably wasn't going to cut it. Even Mei had told her to stay behind and focus on her studies in order to maintain her spot in the top one hundred, like she gave a flying shit about that.

"You have your priorities, and I have mine," Mei had said, in that blunt manner of speaking Yuzu both adored and hated. "That's just the way it is."

But what if you're my priority? she had wanted to blurt out, but held her tongue in the moment. She knew saying something like that wasn't going to change anything.

As for Mei missing school herself, she was able to arrange to take the yearly finals early, something Yuzu could never hope to tackle herself. A week later the girl was getting on a plane to another country across the sea, and Yuzu could only watch and wave until the plane disappeared into the clouds, and even still she waved, thinking that if she did it hard enough she could go airborne and follow Mei wherever she went.

After that, she had descended into a sort of minor depression.

Her grades fell, until she was literally number one hundred on the school ranking. She hung out with Harumi less. She even fell behind on her dramas, which she had faithfully followed for years.

Her bed was cold when she slipped into it at night, and it was frozen when she left it in the morning. Walks to school were quiet and uneventful. Getting reprimanded for something no longer carried that familiar thrill, because as harsh as it sounded, it was just Himeko doing the scolding. Everything felt like a discount version of itself without Mei around.

It's okay, her mom had said, ruffling her daughter's dyed hair. It's only a month. She'll be back soon.

Yuzu knew deep inside that her mother was right, and that there was no real reason for her to be reacting like this. But it was more than that. It was this ugly feeling of dependency that she didn't like.

The notion that she needed Mei more than Mei needed her.

She texted her sister often, of course, and received terse, brief replies, most of them regarding her work at the school. It seemed that there was a lot for her to do, even when she was on the other side of the Pacific Ocean. It was like her work followed her no matter how far she went. Grandfather was filling Mei's day with all kinds of tasks in order to condition her, and it was keeping the girl on her toes.

Yuzu knew it was petty, but she hated her grandfather for that.

Thinking back, she could recall many times when she had chased Mei, begged for her, made compromises for her. She had simply accepted it as an aspect of their relationship; someone had to do the changing, and she was willing to be that person.

But now, as her feet crunched on the brittle snow that dusted the street and her breath shrouded the path before her, Yuzu could only think that she wanted Mei to return the favor, once in a while. While she was standing here moping, Mei was probably out there taking the world by storm like she always did.

Or maybe she was being unfair? Maybe she didn't deserve to hold Mei back like that. After all, her sister had a much brighter future than herself. It wouldn't do for her to make Mei's life harder when she already had so much on her plate.

She could think all that rather easily, of course, but it was even easier for her to close her eyes and yearn from Mei's scent, the sound of her voice, the feeling of their bodies pressed together, her smile, her cute occasional laughs, the way her eyelashes fluttered whenever Yuzu said something that got to her…

Yeah, she was definitely obsessed. Harumi was right. Even if it wasn't true, she probably made her other friends feel like icing on the cake. But didn't the icing complete the cake? Or was it the cake that gave the icing a reason to exist?

Her lightless musings were interrupted when she reached her front door, and she dug her key out of her pocket.

When she pushed it open, the smell of chicken graced her nose; her favorite.

But she wasn't really in the mood for it.

Yuzu stepped out of the shower, a towel draped over her damp hair. She had spent nearly an entire hour submerged in the burning water, nodding off intermittently as her thoughts continued to wander.

Mei, Mei, they had seemed to say, bouncing off the tiled walls and mixing with the steam that clogged her lungs. She was breathing the girl's name.

The thought made her feel giddy, and she had decided it was time to get out.

Her mother wasn't in the living room as usual when she walked in, the room occupied only by the remnants of their dinner. Frowning, Yuzu looked around the rest of the floor but found nothing.

To be completely honest, she had been…only slightly tempted to relieve her desires while in the tub, but had forgone the opportunity for fear of disturbing her mother. Because, after all, a month without Mei also meant a month without sex. And that was serious depravation, especially considering the pace Mei had forced her to get used to.

Now, finding that the floor was completely empty, she felt like she should have taken the chance after all.

Well, some opportunities only presented themselves once. Padding her way up the stairs, Yuzu finished drying her hair and was about to enter her room when she spotted someone sitting on the second floor balcony.

Turning, she saw her mother occupying a chair on the veranda, a can of beer in one hand as the other lay relaxed on the arm of the chair. The woman seemed to be sitting in silence, with only the stars for company.

Part of Yuzu wanted to just go to sleep, but a bigger part wanted to go out onto that balcony. Besides, she didn't want to return that cold, empty bed, the one that was only complete when it had Mei in it.

Turning on her heel, she approached the sliding door and pried it open, stepping out into the night air.

Her mother's head turned at the noise, eyes alighting upon her daughter.

"Oh, Yuzu!" she said brightly tilting her beer can in greeting. "Out of the shower?"

"Yeah." The blonde occupied the second chair on the veranda, drawing her bare feet off the concrete and pulling both knees close to her chest.

Tilting her head back, her mother downed the rest of the beer, groaning as it burned a track down her throat. "Man, that really hits the spot," she muttered, setting the now empty can down on the little table between the chairs.

Yuzu smiled. "You shouldn't drink so much at night, you know that?"

The woman just waved her off, even as her face reddened considerably from the alcohol. "Oh, please. I'm still young! Well, maybe not that young, but I'm a maiden at heart!"

"Uh huh."

Her mom just pouted, obviously a little tipsy. "Geez. Your stepfather understands that, at least. He always called me his little princess."

Yuzu, who had been absentmindedly crossing her toes over each other, suddenly stilled. "Mom?" she said, eyes glued to her feet.

"Hm?" A pop as another beer can was opened.

"Do you ever miss Sho?"

"Your stepfather?" The woman sipped conservatively before narrowing her eyes at the sky. Then she sighed. "Yes, honey. I suppose I do. He's been gone for a long time, now."

"Don't you want him to come back?"

"Of course I do." Yuzu's mother smiled softly, setting the newly opened can by the empty one. She seemed to have regained a little awareness. "I married purely for love this time, you know. None of that other practical stuff. Old age tends to weather you to that, eventually."

Yuzu smirked. "I thought you were still young."

"Shh. Our secret."

She laughed.

"But you know, your stepfather," the woman continued, tapping her finger on the arm of the chair. "Or I supposed I can call him your father, now. Of course I miss him, and of course I wish he were around to father his daughters. But at the same time, I understand his perspective. You've met him, Yuzu. You know how he is. He's constantly trying to understand himself, and the people around him. I think he has the privilege to answer those questions."

Yuzu frowned. "Even if it makes you lonely?"

Her mother smirked and popped her daughter on the nose, making her wrinkle her face. "I'm not lonely! I've got the two best daughters in the world. Besides-" she took a moment to have a swig - "no matter how far Shu flies or how long he stays there, he'll always come back."

"And why is that?"

"Because his heart's here, Yuzu. Whether it be in me, or the school he left behind, or the daughter he might have let down on occasion. I married him because he never forgets what's most important to him. It was something your late father had, too."

Yuzu looked up at the stars, thinking that even if they looked close from down here, they were millions of light years apart in reality.

"Don't you feel like you need him more than he needs you?" she asked, as honestly as possible, to make it clear that she wasn't suggesting anything else.

Her mother's hand went still. "There's a little bit of that," she admitted, tapping one finger against the aluminum can. "Even when I was seeing him, he was always off doing something else. It made me wonder if he loved me as much as I loved him. There's always that sort of fear, I think, the fear of putting in more than the other person does. It makes you feel weak, and it's embarrassing, in its own way."

"I know," Yuzu murmured, drawing her mother's stare, though the woman said nothing.

Above them, the stars winked knowingly.

"But you know," the woman said at last, "One day he said something that really touched me. I didn't ask for him to say it, he just did."

"What did he say?"

"That the only reason he can go out and do such great things is because he has me to come home too." the woman shrugged, blushing gently at the memory even now. "I guess you could say he has a way with words. Quite dashing, really. There was always something very captivating about him."

"It must run in the family," Yuzu muttered.

Her mother laughed. "Yes, I suppose," she chuckled. "Gosh, you really do miss Mei, don't you?"

Yuzu blushed hotly. "Am I really that obvious?"

"You've been moping around the house for a solid three weeks, Yuzu. Did you really think your mother wasn't going to notice?"

"…I guess not."

"So anyways, what's this about you finding Mei dashing?"

"Geez, Mom!" Yuzu complained, flailing her arms about as her head exploded with heat. Her mother just guffawed, her face red for a completely different reason.

"I'm just kidding," she chided, waving her drink around absently. "But I guess you do know what I mean, kiddo. There's just something about that family, isn't there? Both father and daughter…heck, even your grandfather. Just something about them that keeps us coming back."

"Yeah," Yuzu murmured, peering over the edge of the veranda, down to the black abyss below. Was her heart there? "Do you think Mei will always come back, though?"

Her mother smiled weakly. "That's hard for me to say. And it hurts that it's hard. She might be my daughter, but I don't know her as well as I would like to. I'd say you know her better, Yuzu. You're her best friend. What does your heart tell you?"

Putting one sleeved hand over her chest, Yuzu thought that she didn't know what her heart said, because Mei had it, and she was too far away for its voice to be heard.

"It isn't talking right now," was what she ended up saying.

Her mother just nodded.

"Sometimes you can only wait," she said.

One week later, Mei came home.

Yuzu drove with her mother down to the airport to wait for Mei and her grandfather, standing inside the terminal as the plane's passengers streamed out looking tired and haggard from a thirteen hour flight. Her emerald eyes sought out the many faces in the crowd, but did not yet find the one they wanted to see.

Her mother was standing at the very front of the terminal, wanting to meet Mei as soon as possible. But Yuzu was standing at the very back, where there were almost no people, for a reason she could not explicitly explain. She just felt a need to hold herself back this time, to not dive headfirst into Mei's embrace like she always did.

The crowd parted, and she saw her.

Mei was walking a few steps behind her grandfather, looking as regal as the day she had left. Her back was straight, and a thin black coat graced her frame, painting her features in a way that made Yuzu's eyes dilate. A small suitcase was clattering along behind her.

Yuzu's mother greeted her grandfather first, as was courtesy. They shook hands and exchanged a few warm words, and Yuzu was nominally glad to see that the two seemed to get along. Not that there was any reason they shouldn't be, but they were such opposites that it made her wonder sometimes.

Then again, so were she and Mei.

Her mother was already embracing the girl in question, the raven haired daughter gently hugging back with one free arm. While they were occupied, Yuzu's grandfather made eye contact with her across the terminal. He seemed to nod imperceptibly at her, and she smiled back.

Yuzu's mother was finally done embracing Mei, and the three of them began walking away from the front of the terminal. It was then that Mei seemed to spot Yuzu, her deep eyes finding hers across the wide space between them.

Yuzu felt her breath catch in her throat.

She saw Mei tilt her head and say a few words to her mother, who simply nodded back. The two adults strolled away as Mei began making her way towards Yuzu, her little suitcase gliding across the linoleum floor.

She stopped when she was three feet in front of Yuzu, letting the suitcase hang from her fingertips behind her.

Mei was as gorgeous as Yuzu could remember. The delicate framing of her hair, the flawless eyes, that royal air that seemed to dwarf the people milling aimlessly around them. They were in the middle of a bustling crowd, but the two of them just stood there, staring at each other in silence. Somewhere outside a plane took off, and the intercom announced a lane change.

For a moment, Yuzu wondered if they were going to turn to stone here.

Then the suitcase was falling from Mei's fingers, its handle clattering against the ground as the girl rushed forward, arms coming up to pull Yuzu into a tight embrace.

The blonde felt her eyes widen when she was pulled into the hug, as Mei's scent wreathed around them. The younger girl tightened her hold on her, fingers pressing into Yuzu's shoulders, as she hugged her hard around the waist, nose buried somewhere in the taller girl's shoulder.

"God, I missed you so much," Mei shuddered once, and that was all she said.

But it was all she had to say.

Yuzu's arms were already reaching up, and then she was hugging Mei back, stroking the girl's hair soothingly as she continued to shiver.

"It's okay," she murmured, kissing the tip of Mei's ear. "It's okay. You're home now."

"I was just so busy, I could barely even call, I-"

"It's okay," Yuzu insisted, pulling back and holding Mei by the shoulders. "You came back. And that's all that matters to me."

Mei gazed wondrously at her, eyes glistening. Yuzu just smiled and cupped her lover's face, brushing both thumbs beneath those eyes she adored so much.

"What did I ever do to deserve you?" she whispered at last, barely audible over the din of the crowd.

Yuzu just laughed, leaning forward and pressing their foreheads together.

"You were you, Mei," she grinned. "That's more than enough."

Then, pressing upwards, she kissed Mei for the first time in four weeks.

"I love you, Mei," she murmured, "Don't ever change, and don't ever leave me for good. Okay?"

Mei stood still for a single moment, before she laced her fingers through Yuzu's and brushed their noses together, closing her tired eyes in content.

"Wouldn't dream of it."

No matter how far Mei flew, Yuzu knew her sister would always come back home.

Another chapter written in the spur of the moment. Maybe I should plan these things out a little better.

Anyways, just a thought I had that I found to be interesting enough to write about. There are a lot of unanswered questions in the "Citrus universe", now that I really think about it. The real relationship between Sho and Yuzu's mom being one of them (not to mention that Yuzu's mom literally doesn't have a name? I don't know how many times I had to refer to her as 'Yuzu's mother').

But yeah, hope you enjoyed. Whatever I write next, it probably well be more fluffy.

Thanks for reading!

~Banshee