Chapter 5: Want

As smart as she was, Mei could not predict the future.

Being aware of this, she had tried to make the most of her relationship with Yuzu while it lasted. Looking back, she could confidently say that those high school years she spent with the blonde were some of the best in her relatively short life. It only took a little effort on her part; she simply had to become open to Yuzu's energy, and the girl would take her to places she could only have dreamed of.

But like all things, that had to pass someday.

Mei wasn't always going to be the next one in line to take over the school, because one day she would be the one in charge of the school. And as ditzy she Yuzu was, the blonde was strong and motivated enough to find her own path in life. Furthermore, there was no guarantee that their destinies would continue to converge in the future.

She knew this, but did nothing about it. What could she do, to divert fate?

So when they both graduated from high school bound for different colleges, Mei had chosen to accept it as the ending of something good. Yuzu had found an interest in journalism and media studies, and planned to study those subjects in university. Mei would be taking business and managing courses herself. The raven haired girl considered it a blessing, those three years with Yuzu; perhaps even an undeserved blessing. So she hadn't tried to fight their parting. It wouldn't be fair on her part.

Yuzu had known, too, that as much as they loved each other it couldn't last forever.

"Maybe we'll start this up again one day," she had smiled, cupping Mei's face in her hands one night. "Maybe we'll come back together eventually. But for now…I think you're right. I think we need to find ourselves before we find each other."

Academically, her university years passed without issue. The classes were challenging but not impossible, and she enjoyed the opportunity to prove herself. It was all she had done her entire life, after all. She was good at it. But the solemn shield of loneliness that had shrouded her throughout high school seemed to follow her into college, and she never had very many friends during her time there. There were some Himekos, of course, and the occasional Harumi, but she never grew to care for them as much as the originals. They felt like substitutes for a teacher who had quit without telling anyone.

On top of that, she didn't see anyone. Part of her argued that it was because she was simply too busy to do so, but she knew that was a lie. She was no longer tied to the student council like she was in high school, so in a way she had more time than ever on her hands. But the thought of holding her heart out to the world again, indulging in someone's presence like she had with Yuzu, was almost impossible to stomach.

There were suitors, of course. Men and women both, who approached her with as much bravery as they could muster. Mei never treated them harshly, because she had matured past that, but she never felt compelled to open herself up to them, either. Not like she had with Yuzu. She always ended up comparing things to Yuzu. Eventually people would grow tired of her barriers and leave, and she wasn't too disappointed to watch them go.

Some of the people she turned down also happened to be extremely well connected, individuals who could have greatly benefited her career in the future. But she didn't feel bothered by the lost opportunities that she let go. She couldn't mix emotions and business anymore like she used to; she had lost the stomach for it. Yuzu had seen to that.

Yuzu.

They texted regularly, of course, and met whenever they both came home for the holidays. But that felt sour in the same way long distance relationships were always destined to fail. There was simply something in being able to see someone every day, being there all the time, that couldn't be simulated by the greatest technology on the planet. No more spontaneous walks home from school in the rain, no more surprise kisses from behind, no more lingering looks and secretive smiles. Mei wasn't very good at the little things, not like Yuzu was.

So in a way, they inevitably drifted further from each other.

It was almost fascinating, actually. Mei had read stories about lovers who grew apart until they were nearly strangers to each other. She had read the novels. She had seen 5 Centimeters Per Second. And as much as she enjoyed them, she had always considered them to be unrealistic at the same time. There was no way one could achieve such personal intimacy with someone and let that drift away forever.

But the way things were going, it seemed like she was going to have to eat her words.

Soon enough the instinctive comparisons became almost too much to bear. When her few friends asked for help with an assignment Mei did her best to assist them, and for the most part they picked things up quickly. It made her almost disappointed, because teaching Yuzu had been so much more difficult, but that had been a reward in itself. When she saw a blonde head in the crowd some days she felt her heart rate spike, and she was strain to see the woman's face even though she knew it wasn't Yuzu, that it wasn't ever going to be Yuzu.

It was so stupid. She was better than this. She was stronger than this, wasn't she? Or she had been, at least. Until Yuzu came along and convinced her it was okay to be weak, once in a while.

There were days when, in the middle of studying, Mei would pause and wonder which one of them had lost. When things changed, one side gained and the other lost. That was simply how it worked; so had she lost Yuzu, or had Yuzu lost her?

Most days, she felt like it was the former. As much as people praised her, as much as everyone encouraged Yuzu to be more like her sister, Mei knew that people like herself were easily replaced. The quiet, unemotional, hardworking type with nonexistent social capabilities. People like her weren't just a dime a dozen, they were a penny and thousand. Given how annoying and cumbersome life had the potential to be, this shouldn't come to a surprise to anyone.

But people like Yuzu, who were filled with such a genuine energy and kindness, were a true rarity nowadays. In fact, honesty was something Mei believed the world was running out of. Her fellow classmates were only her friends as long as she remained useful to them. Everything was about point A to B, even her, but only Yuzu had ever been concerned about the journey between. The notion seized Mei to the point that she wrote one of her research papers on it, almost stunning her professor with its contents. In it she postulated that they were all wooden mannequins in a great, elaborate game of three dimensional chess, making all the necessary sacrifices to win the game.

He had praised her profusely, but she didn't feel like he really got the point.

Nothing felt real to her anymore.

Halfway through her final semester at college, her grandfather passed away.

It didn't come as much of a surprise. He had been of ailing health for years leading up to the day, and Mei had done all her grieving during that time. So when she got the call, she hardly felt anything. What emotion was there in an expected outcome? Everyone was destined to die, and her grandfather's passing hadn't been untimely. It was going to end one way or another.

Just like her and Yuzu, but she couldn't bring herself to feel as emotionless about that.

The funeral was held on a quiet Sunday with not a single cloud in the sky. As Mei stood at the front of the small crowd gathered around her grandfather's casket and watched the local preacher speak about the man's life, she wondered if this was what he had wanted for her. She was finally going to take the reins, but to what end?

Since childhood, everything had been done on an "and then" basis. First she would be born, and then she would be groomed. She would be groomed, and then she would succeed. After she succeeded, she would do it again in the other sense, by taking her grandfather's place. And then…

And then what?

It came as a sudden shock to her, right in the middle of that funeral as the preacher's voice floated soporifically across the gravestones, that there was nothing solid after that. She would become the new head of the school, and then…nothing. It was just that forever. The goal she had dreamed about since childhood was finally here, and now that she had made it she didn't have anything else to look forward to.

She had gone from point A to B, under the delusion the entire time that there was a point C after that. But there wasn't, just a cold, empty abyss of her doing a job she didn't really want to do, now that she thought about it.

The thought was so horrifying that she started crying softly, right there, and her stepmother had sorrowfully put a hand to her daughter's shoulder, not knowing what the girl was actually crying about.

A few hours later the ceremony was over, and the casket was lowered in to the earth forever. Mei watched the last of her future descend into the darkness with that casket. In a way, her grandfather had been delaying the inevitable this whole time. As long as he lived, Mei was allowed to live as she pleased. Only now had the full responsibility fallen to her.

The families around her spoke briefly before heading home, back to their own friends and their own loved ones. But Mei had no one, so she stood by the gravestone for hours, staring at the ground and thinking, thinking.

She was accomplished, but she wasn't satisfied.

But didn't one naturally lead to the other?

"I'll keep my promise, Grandfather," Mei whispered softly to the grave at her feet. "I'll look after the school you made. I'll fulfill your legacy. I'll do everything you asked of me…but I won't like it. I never will."

She must have grown some real balls in college, she thought, because that was the only way she could possibly be saying this to someone who had literally been laid to rest that same day. But it was the truth, and she wasn't willing to run from it. She wanted to do what she wanted to do. She wanted…

What did she want?

It was strange, really, because she wanted, but she didn't know what she wanted. So as she stood in the cold, quiet cemetery, listening to the grass whisper with the regrets of the dead, she thought about what it really was that she desired from life, now that she had done everything she had promised to do.

Want. Desire. Need, yearning, longing, craving, hunger, passion. All these words but no subject to apply them to. Mei supposed that was all that her years in school had gained her. Every tool in the universe but no project to use them on. She could do everything but she wanted nothing. Wasn't that exactly what a machine was?

Want. Need. I need…

Yuzu.

"Mei."

Turning, she faced the blonde for the first time in months. Yuzu was standing at the far end of the row of graves, wrapped in a thick coat to combat the cold. Her emerald eyes were as bright and bewitching as Mei remembered.

"Yuzu," she replied bluntly, turning to face the girl fully. "What are you still doing here?"

"I noticed you weren't around, and mom told me you were still back here." Yuzu eyed her intently. "Are you okay?"

There was something differently about Yuzu's voice now, Mei realized. Gone was the nervousness the blonde had used to address her in the past. She was more confident now, more sure of herself. She was strong enough to stand on her own.

She didn't need Mei anymore.

"I'm fine." She began walking towards Yuzu, who watched her quietly. "Just thinking, is all."

The blonde smiled. "I feel like that's all you ever do."

If only you knew, Yuzu, Mei thought, stopping when she drew level with her sister, staring past her to the gate. I'm just a thinker, and you're a doer. That's why you were always going to leave me behind one day.

She made to step forward again and leave, but not before Yuzu called out to her.

"Are you moving back here after you graduate?"

Mei stopped. "Yes."

Yuzu gazed at her imploringly. "Will you get a place of your own?"

"Most likely." Mei didn't want to impose on her stepmother anymore. As good as their relationship was, it just didn't feel right. "Somewhere close to the school, I think. I'll be spending a lot of time there."

"Hm." Yuzu hummed, reaching into her bag. As Mei watched, the blonde pulled out a sheaf of paper and scribbling something on it.

"Here," she said, handing it to Mei, who took it gingerly. "My new number. Had to change the old one. Text me sometime when you find a place. I'll help you move in, maybe?"

Then she was gone, disappearing through the gate and leaving Mei alone amongst the graves.

She hadn't even known Yuzu had a different number now. She hadn't called or texted the blonde in ages.

Slowly, she read the sequence of numbers scrawled on the paper. Even the handwriting was different. It was like her sister had become an entirely different person.

Was someone like that worth pursuing again?

Two months later she graduated, and a month after that she found a new place to live in her hometown.

She didn't take up on Yuzu's offer to help move in, but she did text her the new address, without anything else attached. She didn't know how to start a conversation with the blonde. Not anymore.

Besides, there was a lot left to do. The school had hired an interim president during her absence, but now that she was back in time to take charge of things. The next several weeks were filled with adjusting to her inherited position, learning the ropes, learning whose people's shoes she could step on.

Slowly, the episode in the cemetery receded further into the back of her mind. In a way, she was almost willing to forget about it entirely. Yuzu was out there somewhere, conquering the world in her own way, and Mei had her own problems to deal with.

But a week later, the blonde appeared on her doorstep.

"Hey," Yuzu said nonchalantly, smiling reassuringly at Mei, who was staring at her dumbly through a crack in her front door. She was still in her pajamas, and didn't know how she felt about opening the door fully.

"I said I would come eventually," the blonde said, shrugging at the questions in Mei's eyes. "Unless you didn't want me to?"

Mei blinked. Did she not? No, she did. She really did. She wanted Yuzu to come in so badly that it hurt.

So she stepped aside and let the girl in.

Inside, they both sat down and had the first real conversation in over four years. Life had kept them apart for that long, and they had a lot of catching up to do. They laughed, they scowled, but most importantly, they shared. Once again, their paths had chosen to interconnect.

But everything still had the taint of unfamiliarity to it. Yuzu was still the same girl Mei had grown to love at her core, but everything on the outside had changed so much. Yuzu was so enigmatic, so confident, so much more intelligent now. The blonde had really flowered in college. She spoke knowledgeably about things Mei could only comment on, and she seemed to have experienced so much more than her.

Not to mention that Yuzu was even more gorgeous than ever, if that was even possible. People told Mei that she was pretty, but Yuzu…she was simply beautiful. So much to the extent that she found herself gazing intently at the blonde's features as they spoke long into the night.

It was just another thing to miss.

Eventually Yuzu had to go home, and Mei was surprised to feel sorry that the girl had to go. She hadn't felt that way about anything in a long while. But Yuzu promised they would see each other again, and Mei could only believe the girl's words. She would have to trust Yuzu.

Oh, how the tables had turned.

A week later they met again, sharing coffee at a cafe before taking a walk through the city. This time, the mythicism that had surrounded Yuzu seemed to have abated. Or perhaps Mei had simply grown used to it. They made plans to meet yet again, and again, and again…

Mei didn't know why she felt so differently about Yuzu now, as compared to the past. She had loved her sister passionately, of course, but it was a different sort of love. The kind she wasn't afraid to give out, because back then Yuzu had always been so dependent on her. But now her sister was doing just fine on her own, and that threw Mei off a little. It made her reevaluate how she treated the girl, not to mention how she felt about her.

But little by little, Mei found herself falling for this new version of Yuzu too. This Yuzu had everything the old one had, except she was more confident, more mature. In a way, that drew Mei in even more effectively than the teenage Yuzu's charming innocence.

They quickly made it a tradition to hang out every Saturday, and this time it was usually Yuzu deciding when and where they would meet. And unlike in the past, Mei put genuine effort into each and every meeting they had. Because it had become apparent to her that while Yuzu might want Mei, she certainly didn't need her.

It was both motivational and terrifying.

Of course, there was no guarantee that Yuzu felt the same way anymore. To her, they might just be two close sisters who enjoyed each other's company. There was certainly nothing wrong with that; indeed, it was stranger for Mei to push for another romantic relationship between them. The thought cowed her, and four full months passed without her doing anything past friendship.

But then came one night, when they were spending time in Mei apartment, languidly watching a movie together. They were both occupying a small couch, though they kept a respectful distance from each other. A friendly distance. One Mei absolutely hated.

As the television flickered in the dark of the room, Yuzu watched the movie, and Mei watched Yuzu. She had learned a lot of things about those four years, what Yuzu had done with that time. She knew that the blonde had seen a few people on occasion, unlike herself. Some men, some women. It seemed that even she wasn't sure of what she really wanted.

Yet as Mei let her eyes cling to her sister's breathtaking features, she remembered what she had said to her grandfather at his grave, and was seized by a sudden desire to reclaim Yuzu for herself. It was so sudden that it scared her, but it was undeniable, she wanted Yuzu, for the first time in forever she actually wanted something, so badly and so completely that it felt like she would die if she didn't satisfy this urge. It tore at her ribcage and strangled her heart, screaming do it, take it, make her yours, before you lose her again and you descend into another endless purgatory with no real purpose!

Mei had no idea when her conscious became so literate, but she couldn't argue against it.

So, closing her eyes, she leaned forward and caught Yuzu's lips with her own.

The blonde froze upon contact, and for one long moment the movie played to a silent room.

Then graceful fingers came to grasp at Mei's head, and Yuzu was kissing her back.

Oh my god, Mei thought, almost brought to tears by the realization. It was a brief, chaste kiss, and they parted a moment later, staring quietly into each other's eyes.

"Since when?" the blonde breathed, drawing a thumb across Mei's ear, who shuddered. The girl's scent, her touch, her feel, everything, was rushing back in after four long years. "When did you start feeling like this again?"

"I never stopped," Mei whispered, before kissing her again.

They dated for two years.

It was a long two years, and the first month was the hardest. Because this time, Yuzu refused to hide their relationship from anyone. Mei initially balked at the idea, but the blonde insisted upon it, and she had ultimately agreed. They were both adults now; regardless of how immoral people might consider their relationship, they had a responsibility to be honest.

Besides, honesty was in scarcity nowadays, right?

Their mother was understandably shocked, and though she was visibly conflicted about the entire thing, she didn't yell or shout at them. In the end she sent them away, asking for a few days to think about it, because neither of them had any intention of carrying this out without their mother's blessing.

The woman was also the only one they chose to tell about their previous relationship in high school, although they did choose to leave out the more…explicit details of their partnership.

Two days later their mother called on Yuzu's phone, and Mei pressed her cheek to Yuzu's in order to listen in.

"Alright, girls," the woman sighed from the other end. "You know I love you both to death, right? And that I only want the best for you?"

They agreed.

Their mother exhaled slowly. "If you make each other happy…I can't say no. Not ever. You have my blessing, you two. So long as you believe it's what you really want."

"Well?" Yuzu asked teasingly after ending the call. "Do you really want me?"

"Yes," Mei murmured, gliding her nose across the girl's chin. "I do. I want you always."

It was an unfamiliar feeling, but it was real.

The rest of their friends were a bit more surprised by the news, and there was a little backlash, but for the most part there was a positive response. After a lifetime of doing what other people had deemed appropriate for her, Mei had been afraid of doing something for herself, and was glad for the lack of persecution.

"When someone really wants something, it's hard to deny them," Yuzu said once.

Thank god for that.

The next two years were some of the best in Mei's life. There were times when Mei realized her success could largely be attributed to others; her future had been decided for her from the start, after all, and she had been given all the necessary advantages to excel. So in a way, many of the things she had were not her own.

But Yuzu was something she had acquired because she really, genuinely wanted to.

And that made her more important than anything else.

Progression was the only thing that made life worth living.

Mei had realized that in the graveyard that one night, when she had broken down in front of her grandfather's frigid casket. Life wasn't defined by point A or B. There had to be a point C, and D, and an E and a million more points in all the languages in the world, and then some. Life only really ended when people lost the strength to desire something.

So in a way, she had been dead for four years.

Now, as she stood on the white sand of the beach and stared out over the sea, Mei thought back to something one of her college professors had told her, that evolution was the best way to survive. How true that was, she thought, as she watched the waves eat away at the beach. Letting the good things go, sitting down and expecting to be satisfied by that…it was metaphorical suicide. Maybe even literal.

For the past two years, she had tried her best to keep her relationship with Yuzu constantly evolving. She learned to be more spontaneous. She caught the blonde from behind to steal quick kisses. She murmured that she loved her without prompting. She left little gifts when she saw something she knew Yuzu would like.

But more than that, she never again assumed that she was perfect. She had lost Yuzu the first time because she had been unwilling to compromise herself or her future. But was there any real future without Yuzu? To her, the answer was no.

So Mei never forgot that feeling in her chest, the visceral realization that Yuzu had grown so much and gone so far while she had stagnated in comparison. It had been humiliating, and humbling. Life moved ahead whether you were willing to follow or not, and it was better to follow along than get left behind in the darkness.

"You know," Mei said aloud, "I've always hated the stars."

Yuzu snorted by her side, twining their fingers together for warmth. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"They never move. They never change," Mei elaborated, craning her neck to stare at the little points of light in the sky. "They do the same thing every day, and one day we'll forget them."

"I can't blame them," Yuzu pointed out, leaning into Mei as she followed her lover's gaze. "They look beautiful."

"But they're all alone up there."

"True."

Setting her jaw, Mei thought back to all the planning that had gone into this moment, to the little box pressing against the fingers shoved into her right coat pocket. This was it. This was going to be her evolution, no, their evolution. She wouldn't let them rot away again, like they had before.

Turning to face her lover, Mei took both of the girl's hands and held them up, gazing into those emerald eyes she dreamed about every day.

"I don't want to be like those stars," she said. "I don't want to burn out in some dark corner of space. I want to become someone who's better than that. Someone good. Someone good enough for you."

Yuzu smiled at her affectionately. "You are good enough for me, Mei. You know that."

Mei blushed, and she nearly tripped over her next words. "Perhaps. But I want to keep it that way. I never want to lose you again, Yuzu. I'll only make that mistake once in my life. I'm going to keep changing. I'm going to keep wanting, because it's the only real way to live. I'm never going to stop wanting you."

So as she got down on one knee and pull the ring out of her pocket, and Yuzu's eyes widened, she asked,

"Yuzu, will you allow me to desire you forever?"

Above them, the stars winked jealously.

Sigh. Another chapter written in one mad rush. I don't know what the point of these chapters is, since I'm just splurging these out. Not to mention I hadn't written anything in a while.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. I read the new Citrus raws in Japanese and had absolutely no idea what was going on, by the way. The struggle is real.

~Banshee