"Conviction", part III
Finally, the service was over. Hand in hand, Jack and Elizabeth endured the standard small talk that accompanied every church service. I will be patient, Elizabeth vowed. Only Abigail, who had heard the resonance of frustrated voices, footsteps stomping on the stairs, the slamming door, and finally Elizabeth's pitiful tears, had any indication that there was pressing business at hand for Jack and Elizabeth. Mercifully, she interrupted Mrs. Montgomery and encouraged Elizabeth to run home for her and Jack's picnic, joking that Elizabeth "should only keep a hungry Mountie waiting as long as she would make a hungry bear wait." With a smile that acknowledged her gratefulness, Elizabeth took Jack's hand and made their way to the door. As they reached the bottom step, Elizabeth broke into a run. Jack trailed behind, just long enough to let Elizabeth believe she was as anxious as he was to get moving. If he hadn't just come from church, he might have also admitted he enjoyed watching her lead the way at times, content at times like this to follow and admire his woman of strength. Without decreasing the breadth of his smile, Jack quickly caught up to Elizabeth and placed a hand around her waist.
"Miss Elizabeth Thatcher," he grinned, "have I told you lately how much I love you and admire you?
"Probably," she laughed, "but you can never be too sure. How much do you love and admire me?"
"More every day." He was relieved to hear a lightness and joy back in her voice. Although they both knew there was a necessary conversation to come, neither of them dreaded it any longer.
With a smile that conveyed both gratefulness and her own love and admiration for her Mountie, Elizabeth pointed to the picnic basket on the table.
"You, sir, may have the honor of showing off your strong muscles by carrying the picnic basket. I'll grab the blanket."
"Ugh," Jack joked, pretending to struggle with the well-packed picnic basket. "What did you pack? Lunch for the whole town?"
"Well, it's probably a mistake to let you know my little secret, but since Abigail taught me to make fried chicken, biscuits, and her famous chocolate cake, I find baking to be rather therapeutic."
In response to his slightly confused look, Elizabeth explained, "Last night I got, well, a little upset. I had already finished packing the sandwiches, cheese, and fruit, but I just couldn't get to sleep. Baking usually makes me feel better, so..." She pointed to the enormous pile of recently washed cookware drying in the rack.
He thought better of making any comment. "We should go," was all he said. And he hid the smirk this time.
When they finally reached their favorite spot, Jack set down the basket and proceeded to lay out the blanket. Elizabeth moved toward the large rock beside the pond and gracefully slid into what had recently become Jack and Elizabeth's bench for important discussions, kissing, and appreciating the beauty of the land God had made their home. It was here that, a week after she refused Charles' proposal, Jack brought Elizabeth and gave her his promise ring. It wasn't an actual proposal, but to Elizabeth, Jack's promise was the most beautiful thing she had ever heard. One day soon, they would be officially engaged and soon after married. Of this, she was sure. Still, she longed for the day Jack would replace the promise with a real engagement ring. Little did she know he had intended to propose on that ill fated day.
Elizabeth's eyes naturally crossed the lake to look at the little church on the other side. It was quiet now; all of the families had gone home for their supper. When it was no longer the church, the building was once again Elizabeth's and the children's schoolhouse. It filled her with such warmth to remember how lovingly Jack had donated the money and corralled the townsmen to help build the church/school. He often reminded her it was for the whole town. But in her heart, she knew Jack had truly built it for her. For a split second she was jealous. "Why hadn't he just built a house for himself instead? Then we wouldn't be in this mess?"
However, she quickly dismissed that thought, silently rebuking herself as being childish again. No, she realized, one of the things she loved most about Jack was his willingness to sacrifice his own comforts for the good of the town. It was true. As their Constable, it was Jack's job to look out for the people's well-being, and it gave him great joy to share his good fortune with all of the people. If it was "above and beyond the call of duty," Elizabeth knew neither of them would want it any other way. And besides, this would always stand as Jack's first, concrete symbol of his love for Elizabeth...and Hope Valley.
"No," she thought. "I will gladly wait. Jack is 'the one', and God will bring us together when the time is right. It is about trust."
"Penny for your thoughts?" Jack joked as he slid in beside Elizabeth, immediately placing his arms around her and guiding her head down to his chest.
It felt right to be in Jack's arms. It felt like...home.
"I was thinking about how much I love our little school. How much I love you for building it for us. How much I love you for loving the people of Hope Valley more than you love yourself."
"You forgot someone," he urged. "Do you remember that I love you more than all of the people in Hope Valley put together?"
She wanted to just bask in the warmth of their love, to let this moment linger forever. But Elizabeth knew she could not delay any longer. She knew Jack had already forgiven her, but she still needed to apologize, as much for her own sake as for his.
Before she could form her thoughts into the right words, Jack began, "Elizabeth. I know I hurt you last night, and I'm so sorry. It tears me up to hear you cry. I just wanted to grab you in my arms, dry your tears, and promise you everything in the world that you ever wanted."
Elizabeth leaned into Jack a little closer, allowing him to continue. "It took all of my strength to leave you last night, knowing how hurt and alone you felt. It's just that..." he pulled back so he could look Elizabeth straight in the eyes.
"...I don't ever want you to change. I love that you have opinions, that you aren't afraid to speak your mind, that you are honest enough to let me know when I've disappointed you. It's all part of what makes you the only woman I will ever love. But it wouldn't be fair to either of us, or to God, for me to put our desires ahead of God's leading. I love you, Elizabeth Thatcher, and I will always put your needs ahead of my own. No matter how difficult, even when it hurts, I have to listen to God and do what is best for us. It's easy to obey when we get our own way, but I will always submit to God's authority, even when it is the harder path. At least I hope I always will. And I hope you will always support me and help me remember to keep God first in our lives."
"I love you Jack. I do trust you, and I always God to be at the center of our life together. I'm sorry I got so angry with you last night. I will always support you, no matter what. I just get a little distracted sometimes. I'm sorry that I challenged you. I'm sorry that I couldn't listen well enough to hear what you were trying to say to me."
"You weren't entirely wrong," Jack admitted.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, Elizabeth, that I'm not sorry for following my heart. I don't want to accept help from the Mounties or the town because I want us to be in control of our own lives. It's important to me, and I think it is right that we make our own way in the world. The church and school belongs to the town, but our home needs to belong to us. Just us. I won't apologize for that."
Jack debated telling Elizabeth about his project/wedding present. Somehow he had managed to keep his significantly large secret from everyone in Hope Valley. Of course Lee knew. Who else would supply the necessary lumber? However, Lee supplied much more than lumber and assistance. Lee had become Jack's only confidante in the matter of converting the old homesteader's house into a home for he and Elizabeth.
"I understand that now, Jack. I would never ask you to apologize for that. You were right."
"But you were right also. I was being prideful last night. I didn't want to propose until I had already completed our home. That part wasn't from God. That was from my pride. I wanted to prove that I was good enough to deserve you-"
"Oh, Jack-"
There goes that finger again.
"Elizabeth. I'm ashamed that I let my pride control me like that. I'm embarrassed that I let myself be dominated by material goods. It's just that... when I heard Charles... when I heard...when, you know..." How could Jack begin to explain all the insecurities that drove him through a series of extremes? How could he admit that he feared that he would not be able to provide for Elizabeth as she deserved?
He knew he could provide for their needs, but would that be enough? Jack was ashamed to question this. He hoped that Elizabeth would understand without his going into detail. After all, Jack was a man of few words, and already this afternoon had taken most of his conversation allotment.
"Last night while I was watching all of that smoke rise up from your oven," he grinned, "I confessed my sin to God. Now I'm asking you. Can you forgive me for being prideful and stubborn?"
"Yes. Yes. Without any hesitation. I forgive you and I love you. I accept everything about you – even your weaknesses. Don't you ever doubt how much I love you, Jack Thorton...And what do you mean, you saw the smoke..?"
Jack avoided the easy joke that Elizabeth had just walked into. Instead of teasing that he was afraid she'd burn down the house, he explained how he already knew her little secret. Jack had noticed that Elizabeth had lately been surprising him with special treats, usually the day after something had gone wrong. Problems from Hamilton meant something chocolate. Struggles at school meant more basic treats, such as peach or berry cobbler. If Elizabeth was worried about a student or one of the families...well, cookies, of course. Enough to share. From the amount of smoke last night, Jack realized many things before he and Elizabeth met at church. 1) It was going to be a long night, 2) Elizabeth had a lot to think about and process, 3) that he needed to apologize first, and finally, that he'd need a very big appetite to handle everything Elizabeth had made.
Jack, too, had a long night, and he had made some important decisions. An engagement was not far off, but Jack knew his own issue with the house and pride was not the only thing he and Elizabeth needed to address. Jack needed to learn to talk more, and both he and Elizabeth needed to learn how to need someone else. He just had to wait for the right time to tell Elizabeth everything. For now, he knew it was his turn to be supportive, forgiving, and understanding.
After a long embrace, significant enough to comfort both Jack and Elizabeth, Elizabeth eased away from Jack. Filled with emotion, she steeled herself to hold back any sign of tears. It was her turn to admit her wrongs, and tears would only make Jack feel sorry for her. It was Elizabeth's own stubbornness that brought her to this place of needing to ask forgiveness, and she vowed she would not do anything to put the responsibility back on Jack. She hesitated, "I know you've forgiven me, too, but I need to acknowledge my own sin before you and before God. I do struggle to submit. I know God commands it, and I trust you to do the right things. I know you only act out of love for God and for me. It's just that I let myself get confused sometimes. I confuse control with strength. I am learning, too slowly, I think, that it takes more strength to submit than it does to be... a... assertive," her faced flushed.
Jack chuckled. "Assertive, huh? That's what you call it?"
With a playful slap to his chest, Elizabeth continued. "I mean it, Jack. I've spent the last two years proving to the world that I can take care of myself. I guess that if I'm totally honest, I'd have to admit that I struggle with pride as well. It's hard after all that to learn to rely on...submit to... someone else."
"Elizabeth, don't you realize we are all called upon to submit to someone? I have my chain of command. The children have you and their parents. The men at the mill have to answer to Lee. We all answer to God."
"I do. It's just that word... submit... It's sounds so... passive. That's hard for me, Jack. I can't just become some wilting flower and expect you to control me. Become my boss? Am I expected to stop thinking and just blindly accept whatever you say?"
"Do you expect your students to blindly accept whatever you say? Do you really think I could ever control you? That I would even want to try?"
Elizabeth didn't need to respond. It was clear that Jack was getting through to her. Jack just waited while he let that sink in.
"Elizabeth, you have to know that I would never ask you to do anything without considering all of your feelings and your opinions. Ask you, Elizabeth, not command. Marriage is a partnership, and godly submission should be a joy, for both of us. Godly submission means that no matter what decisions we need to make, or what challenges we face, you and I together can confidently submit to God's authority. You know how deeply I love you, right?
"Yes." And Elizabeth truly meant that with all her heart. She knew Jack would do anything for her.
"You remember I said that last night I wanted to take you in my arms and promise you any and everything you wanted?"
"And I am starting to understand why you didn't- couldn't. In a strange way, it is a little like my students. If I told them they could do whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted, it might seem great at first. However, it would not be best for any of us."
"Exactly. God wants His best for us, and sometimes that means accepting what we need instead of demanding what we want."
"I think the reason last night was so difficult for me, " Elizabeth continued, "was because I knew in my heart that I was wrong. I am impatient, and, well, I am used to... to... to getting-my-own-way," she rushed. "There. I said it."
"Go on," Jack encouraged with a playful smile. He realized that last night's disagreement, though excruciating for them both, was exactly what they needed to move forward in their relationship. And he knew with as much certainty that this experience was bringing them closer than ever to the day they would join together as husband and wife.
"I know that I need to let God teach me more about trust, submission, and patience before I can be the wife that you truly deserve. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I have never loved anyone the way that I love you. Can you forgive me for being so stubborn and childish?"
Elizabeth realized that the tears, misunderstanding, and yes, even the baking last night were all signs of how much God loved her and Jack. She could feel in her heart that all of their growing pains were God providing Fatherly guidance, teaching them how to be husband and wife.
"I can and I do forgive you, Elizabeth. But I never thought you were being childish. I love your innocence and your sense of wonder. Don't ever let anyone change that about you. Please. I love everything about you, Elizabeth Thatcher. You bring magic into my life.
Elizabeth melted into Jack. It would never seem like less than a miracle to her the way she and Jack fit together, not just emotionally or figuratively, but physically as well.
It took less than a second for Jack to decide that he and Elizabeth were ready for their next step together. "Elizabeth," Jack said, in that way that always melted Elizabeth's heart before she knew what he might say next. "Tomorrow after school, let's take a walk together."
Safe in Jack's strong embrace, Elizabeth felt free now to let her tears flow. Not the tears that said, I'm hurt, I'm sad, or even I'm sorry. These were empowering tears. Tears that said, I am loved and cherished, just as I am. These were tears that Elizabeth was not ashamed to shed.
Jack understood.