What Lies in the Heart
by: enchantingmagick
A/N: I did not expect the amount of love I've received for this story. Question: What do y'all think of Ashley? Was that OOC? I think not. But I'll defer to your good judgment. How many months does Scarlett have to wear mourning? I saw about a year for a child which is longer than the half a year she'd be mourning Melly. I'm thinking since right now in the story it's Christmas 1873, I'm going to have her out of mourning in about March. Sound good to you guys? I can't have her in mourning for that long. She desperately needs a green dress to be able to seduce Rhett.
Summary: Mammy decides she wants to be at Tara when she passes on. Scarlett makes the necessary arrangements in town. At her store, she leaves the attractive storekeeper James Wilder in charge. Following her visit to the store, Scarlett drops in on Uncle Henry to make sense of her financial situation. India Wilkes requires Scarlett's help in reviving Ashley's spirits and getting him to act normally again. While comforting Ashley, Scarlett almost ends up kissing him, but doesn't allow that to happen. Rhett leaves for Charleston and has a difficult conversation with his mother about Scarlett and his failing marriage. Scarlett visits Bonnie's grave again and the caretaker informs her that someone else(Rhett) has been there, and that gives Scarlett hope.
"Say what you want to say. And let the words fall out. Honestly, I want to see you be brave."
-Brave, Sara Bareilles
(Kids Are Gonna Do What They Want)
"Hello, Scarlett."
Disbelief paralyzed her, and Scarlett was unable to move. The unmistakably deep voice that had spoken was at the door. She turned around quickly and drank in his appearance. The swarthy, tan lines of his face dripped sunshine. His smooth, black hair just ached to be touched. But it was the masculinity that radiated from him that made Scarlett warm and tingly inside. His broad and muscular shoulders that filled out his jacket and the mischievous glint in his dark eyes beckoned her closer until she was just feet away from him.
She was powerless against him and reveled in his name breathlessly, "Rhett. Did you miss me?"
"Not at all, my vicious kitten. Let me get a good look at you," he answered tipping her chin up and gazing into her eyes.
"Oh, I missed you terribly, Rhett. It was just awful without you. Everyone here hates me."
"Darling, I'm sure that's true, but you've got to try harder."
"But it doesn't seem to make a difference. I'm just so tired."
"Come here, honey." Rhett pulled her into his embrace and tilted her head to kiss her. At the last possible instant, Scarlett saw eyes deep mesmerizing blue as a sparkling lake. Something was wrong, very wrong indeed. And then she noticed pale blonde hair and truly began to panic. It wasn't Rhett at all.
"Rhett?"
"I'm Ashley."
Scarlett bolted awake. Rubbing her eyes profusely, she threw aside her covers and lay in her bed.
There was a quiet knocking at the door, and Scarlett replied, "Come in."
Wade walked in timidly and said good morning to his mother. He did not know how to broach the subject he wanted to discuss with his mother.
"Well what is it?" Scarlett snapped.
This only served to make Wade more afraid. "Ella and I were wondering."
"About what?" asked Scarlett a little more gently.
"Uncle Rhett."
"What about Uncle Rhett, sweetheart?" Scarlett asked trying to be as nice as possible.
"Is he gonna be home for Christmas, mother? We wish he'd come home for-"
"Now Wade, I have told you and I have told you that Uncle Rhett is away on business. I don't know when he'll be back. I don't want anymore trouble about this, am I understood?"
"Momma, I'm not a child anymore. I can see that something's wrong, won't you tell me what it is?"
"Wade, maybe when you're older you'll be able to understand. For now, go wake your sister and eat your breakfast like a good boy."
Walking out of the room, Wade looked back at his mother in anger. He was too old to be lied to, and he could tell something wasn't right between his mother and Uncle Rhett, unlike Ella. Ella was simply too silly and careless to realize the gravity of what was happening.
Taking a deep breath, Scarlett began her morning rituals. That dream had scared the living daylights out of her before Wade walked in. Ashley had apologized for trying to kiss her and asked for her forgiveness. He'd claimed that he'd been trying to move on in the only way he knew how, and that he just wanted to feel alive again.
Scarlett sympathized, unfortunately she sympathized greatly. But it was wrong for him to have done that, and she could not forgive him in her heart of hearts. Scarlett brushed aside this thought and dressed quickly. Choosing a pale lavender color dress, Scarlett rang for Dilcey to help her. Out at Tara, it didn't matter much if she was in full mourning, so Scarlett chose to dress in half-mourning from the moment she left Atlanta.
Scandal had surrounded her, for more reason than that. Mrs. Merriwether had deemed it wise to inform Scarlett that Captain Butler was in Charleston(not Europe as Scarlett had told everyone). That had caused Scarlett to say more than a few sour than things that she regretted. But Rhett was her husband, if she said he was in Europe, he was in Europe. Those old peahens ought to leave well enough alone, Scarlett thought angrily.
An idea struck her. Maybe I should write Rhett, she mused. That may convince him to come home. Scarlett allowed herself to hope in a way she scarcely allowed herself. She sat down at her desk and picked up her pen and began to write. She ended up trying and failing to capture her feelings three times, before writing this:
Rhett,
I wish that this letter could be businesslike and cold, the way you've been to me in the past. But the blows you've dealt me with have always been personal and so very painful. Maybe you didn't want to hurt me, but to me it always it always seemed as though you particularly enjoyed it. You've always treated me as a toy to play with, to enjoy when you want to, and throw away when you get sick of me. I want to be someone's equal, a true wife in good times and bad. That's not how you treated me, and you never meant for me to be your wife. I've yet to succeed at being a good wife, but I want that chance.
Most of all, I regret never saying those three words when it might have mattered to you, Rhett. I was never able to say things very eloquently. But I love you, plain and simple. Unfortunately now, it's too late. You think so low of me, that you don't believe me. We never really had much respect for each other, I suppose. As much as I regret loving my cad of a husband that's deserted me, I can't seem to be able to make myself fall out of love with him. It's killing me that I failed at loving you.
I've tried and failed to write this letter more than a few times, but I've got to finish. I write to you on the children's behalf. Perhaps I should say my children, it would be more accurate. They are more my flesh and blood. But I thought you cared about them enough to be a father to them. But if you were Charles Hamilton or Frank Kennedy, you wouldn't have left them. They had more honor than you do, though I can't say I didn't know that before I married you. You abandoned Ella and Wade just to spite me, without a thought for how that would make them feel. In crushing their hopes, you have hurt me more than any cruel remark you have ever made.
They sense the trouble between us, or at least Wade does. I haven't the heart to confirm their suspicions. Wade blames you. He used to think the world of you. Ella, she misses her playmate and the presents. She thinks that you loved Bonnie more than her, because you're Bonnie's real daddy. They're just children, Rhett. How could you do that to them? After all they've been through?
Despite everything, I think we could salvage our marriage. There are great many marriages built on less than we have and we have a lot. We had two beautiful children, Rhett. I know in my heart our unborn child was just as beautiful as Bonnie. Every child we could ever have would be perfect, just like her, the best of both of us.
That brings me to Bonnie. I never meant the things I said to you. How could I? You weren't responsible. It wasn't anybody's fault. We both loved her so very dearly. She ripped our hearts out and took them with her. The problem is that I am recovering and you're not. I was the person you should've come to for comfort, not anyone else. If you'd allowed me to truly be your wife, to ease your pain and understand you the way only I can, we would have survived. I was Bonnie's mother. She was my daughter too, and you took her away from me to hurt me. And you did, you wounded me deeply. Does knowing that make you happier?
I don't blame you for the miscarriage, or at least not you alone. I blame both of us for allowing our marriage to get to a point where we weren't happy about a baby. Think about what Melly would've said if she'd known that was the cause. I'd already come to love the idea of a baby and had hoped you'd be excited. But we both know how that turned out.
I can't go on trapped in the past, it doesn't help anyone. I want you to have true happiness, Rhett, with me. The children and I request your presence at home on Christmas. We miss you. I promise not to fight with you, if you come. Please take this seriously, it would make the children happier than any present.
all my love,
Scarlett O'Hara
Scarlett had finished the letter after a painstaking hour and a half. She immediately sent Pork into town to send it, so that she wouldn't be able to change her mind. It was longer than she would have liked, but outlined all the things Rhett that had been left unsaid. Scarlett tried to keep herself occupied for the weeks that followed while she awaited a reply.
(Waiting on the World to Change)
It was three days to Christmas, now. Scarlett regretted that she was at Tara for the first time. She couldn't drink as openly as she did in her own home. The liquor helped her soothe her easily frayed nerves, but she didn't have access to it here under the watchful eye of Suellen and her family. She bundled up appropriately for the chilly wintertime weather and went outside. She couldn't see the red clay of Tara, but she knew it was there. She knew it as surely as she had five fingers on each hand.
It had been two months since Scarlett had left Atlanta, and she wondered if the rumors of scandal had been quelled by her departure. She guessed that they hadn't.
Prissy came out of the house running down the hill rapidly behind Scarlett and yelled "Miz Scarlett, Mammy be wanting to see you."
Scarlett faced Prissy and nodded, "I'll be right in." Pacing slowly, Scarlett followed Prissy up the hill back to the house. She couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen, but then again almost her entire adult life Scarlett had battled that feeling. The were shivers going up and down her spine, and Scarlett was terrified. Nothing that Mammy could need to tell her would be good news, and the circumstances that surrounded their relocation to Tara were far less than ideal.
The bedroom was simply furnished, the curtains closed and blocking out all the light. Lying on the bed, Mammy was propped up with a pile of pillows, a glass of water on the nightstand.
"How are you doing Mammy?" Scarlett asked, when Mammy's eyes finally landed on her.
"I'm fine, don't you worry yoself none-" Mammy began to cough violently before finishing, "about me. I'm wanting to see Mr. Rhett, before I pass on. Could you send for him, Miz Scarlett?"
"Why Rhett, Mammy? I don't even know where he is to send for him," Scarlett answered.
"There be things I be needin' to tell him before I can't no more. So you go on and send for him. He'll come, Miz Scarlett. You'll see."
"I'll try, Mammy. I will send a telegram to his mother immediately."
"That's my lamb. Try not to worry about anything, Miz Scarlett, except for those chillun of yours now."
"Alright Mammy," Scarlett found herself answering again.
Leaving the room, a deep wave of melancholy hit her, the weight of the burden on her shoulders hitting her fully. Down the hall, Suellen saw her sister's face and knew that something terrible was happening.
"Scarlett, where is Captain Butler? It's Christmas time, he ought to be at home with his family."
It took a few moments for the sound of her sister's voice to register with Scarlett. When it did, Scarlett fixed her younger sister with a level gaze of intense hatred.
"He's divorcing me!" she yelled. "Are you happy, that I can't summon my husband for our dying Mammy? Are you happy that my life is falling apart at the seams?"
"If you are expecting sympathy, from me of all people, you are worse than I thought. You stole my only beau, and Frank's only nine feet deep because of it. You ruin this family's good reputation, by being an O'Hara."
"How dare you?" Scarlett asked her voice quiet with anger. "You live in this house on my good will and charity, you would do well not to forget it."
"You would do well to remember, that I own a third of Tara," Suellen retorted sharply.
"I pay for the clothes on your back, the food you eat, and everything else you touch. I could turn you out of Tara, so don't push me," threatened Scarlett.
"You are such a spoiled brat! You don't have anything, Captain Butler foots all of your bills. Don't you dare think that you're some kind of high and mighty businesswoman. I came to tell you that after Christmas, you and your brats are no longer welcome here!" Suellen turned on her heel and went down the stairs.
"Who do you think you are?" Scarlett shouted after her, barely holding herself together.
She followed her sister down the stairs in search of Pork and when she found him she asked him to hitch up a wagon. Sending a telegram was now on her list of impossible tasks to accomplish, thanks to Mammy. She climbed into the wagon thinking of what she would include in the message, it would have to be short and to the point.
She ending up sending "Rhett Mammy dying would like to see you at Tara." Of course, it occurred to her that Rhett might think that she was lying in a ploy to get him there. But at the same time, Scarlett didn't know if she could handle seeing him against his will. It was convenient that Mammy had asked for Rhett to come, but did she want to see him, when he had only come for Mammy?
(A Battle of Wills)
As soon as Scarlett arrived back home, there was a new crisis awaiting her. There was a bowler sitting on the hat stand when she entered her house, immediately setting off several alarm bells in her head. Her heart leapt with the thought that it could be her long-awaited husband. Entering her parlor, she could not have been more shocked.
The gentleman that sat in her parlor had brought his son and equally unwelcome sister unannounced.
"Scarlett! They told us you were out at Jonesboro," India spoke slowly and cautiously with exaggerated excitement.
Her head turning to examine the "wooden-headed" gentleman, Scarlett waited for him to speak. Her eyes raked over his newly defiant form.
"Ashley, may I have a word with you in private?" Scarlett asked quietly, bending towards him.
He nodded in response and addressed the others in the parlor, "Excuse us for a moment, we have a few details to discuss."
Ashley tucked Scarlett's arm in his own and led her out of the parlor, willing her to stay silent until they were out of earshot. Pausing by the hat stand, Ashley waited for Scarlett to get her coat and join him for a walk on Tara's grounds. As soon as she had done so, Scarlett and Ashley stepped out of the front door. The biting chill of the winter air greeted their soft cheeks, that blossomed red in the outdoors.
All of a sudden, Scarlett whipped around to face Ashley, an accusatory glint in her eye.
"Why are you here?"
"Where is Captain Butler?" Ashley asked, the bitterness of his tone added insult to injury.
"He's in Charleston on business," Scarlett answered not missing a beat.
"At Christmas? Really, Scarlett, how long did you think it would take for people to realize he'd left you?"
"He's done no such thing. I've just telegrammed him, and he should be home any day now," she replied as evenly as she could manage.
"Scarlett, you deserve so much better than a man with no honor," declared Ashley passionately, his grey eyes set afire.
"Just what favor do you hope to gain by insulting my husband?"
"I could give you so much more than he does!" Ashley exclaimed.
"There is nothing I want from you, except your friendship, Mr. Wilkes."
"I can't believe you for a second. Do you remember what happened here?" Ashley demanded, dragging Scarlett towards a lean-to used to chop wood.
"No, I don't know what you're talking about," answered Scarlett regarding the lean-to with a nostalgic gaze.
"You don't lie as well as you used to, Scarlett," Ashley remarked pulling her into his embrace. "Remember this?"
He held her in his ironclad grip and she struggled, trying to remove herself from his grasp. "The feel of my arms holding you, shielding you from anything that could have hurt you."
"You can't even shield yourself from the world falling down around you. How could I ever expect you to protect me?"
"I could. Scarlett, everything's different now. I feel like a man reborn. You've awoken in me this spark for life that I didn't even know existed. I-"
"Stop, Ashley. You must," Scarlett began, clapping a hand over his mouth. "I can't allow you to try to kiss me again. It would ruin everything this time. I've tried to accept your apology, but I'm married. You're supposed to be honorable, and that doesn't include going after married women. I've excused so much of your behavior, because I was in love with you. Or I thought that I was, more likely the latter. You're not even worthy of that. Melanie is barely cold in the ground. Respect her life, by continuing to be my friend, and only my friend."
Ashley pried her fingers off of his mouth and bent to her will. "I only came to spend Christmas with my closest family in Clayton County. I would much appreciate if an old friend could spare meals and a room, for me and my son," his tone was bordering and cold and painfully formal.
"I'm sorry, Ashley, that things couldn't be different. You and Beau are most welcome here. Disregard anything Suellen says on the matter. We would love to have you and Beau till the end of the holidays."
"Don't trouble yourself about me any further," Ashley reassured her, guiding her back towards the house.
(War Between the Vanities)
The next two days passed uneventfully, with the children playing together. The adults had suffered awkward silences, with Suellen's husband Will trying to patch up the rifts between the company present. His good-natured humor had eventually put them all at ease, until they now conversed in a companionable manner.
"I would like to invite you all to pass through to our Christmas dinner," Scarlett announced leading them all in a formal line to the dining room. They all sat down at their seats and admired the grand feast lain out before them. The children's eyes glazed over lustfully, begging to dig into the food, but they had to wait.
"Let's say grace," Will began. "In the peace of this season our spirits are joyful: With the beasts and angels, the shepherds and stars, with Mary and Joseph, we sing God's praise. By your coming, may the hungry be filled with good things, and may our table and home be blessed. Bless us O Lord, and these Thy gifts, which we are about to receive from Thy bounty, through Christ our Lord. Amen."
They all began to eat in comfortable silence, the clinking of silverware against plates was all that could be heard. In the midst of this pin-drop silence, there was a knock on the door. Suellen and Will were about to rise, when Scarlett said, "Dilcey will open the door. It's Christmas dinner, whatever it is, it can't be all that important."
The sound of the door opening alerted them to the entrance of a new visitor. Loud footfalls could be heard coming towards the dining room door in an even, surefooted gait. The door opened and it was as if Scarlett was blinded by the sun. She didn't allow herself to see for fear of being delusional.
The man who stood in the doorway knew how to make an entrance. "I'm sorry folks, the train was delayed and I came as soon as I," here, he paused unsure of what excuse to use, "was finished with business."
"That's quite alright," India said, "I'm sure Scarlett is thrilled you're home in time for Christmas."
The children upon seeing the man's arms laden with presents, jumped up from their seats, food long forgotten.
"Uncle Rhett! You made it for Christmas," Ella shouted happily.
"Why, of course I did, darling. I wouldn't miss giving you your present for the whole wide world!" Rhett answered picking her up to wrap her in a hug.
After setting her down, Rhett turned to Wade. "Wade, young man, Merry Christmas to you," he said, shaking Wade's hand solemnly. Wade's shoulders straightened and squared as he walked back to his seat.
"I'm really sorry to have interrupted your Christmas dinner, Mrs. Butler," Rhett began in mock seriousness, that only she would notice. He looked around the table slowly, ignoring the presence of the Wilkes, having eyes for only his wife. His facial expression soured slightly upon noting her dowdy state of attire.
"Oh, you never gave any bother for this sort of thing, anyway, darling. I'm just so glad you could grace us with your presence," Scarlett retorted, standing up from her seat. She walked around to Rhett's seat at the head of the table and leaned into his face. She could feel the prickliness of his skin and smell the cool spiciness of his cologne, before her lips made contact with his skin. She whispered the word bastard in his ear before straightening herself.
"I'm so happy you're home, darling. I was worried you wouldn't make it for New Year's."
A/N: Keep up the reviewing. Every review I get reminds me to write. Reviews are better than Banana Caramel Praline Gelato(which is really really good by the way). I have so many ideas for this story...please review let me know what you think. You'll never see what's coming next! MUAHAHAHAHA.