For someone who had, up until running into Finn, never left her home planet, seeing the galaxy through a series of planet-jumping escapades was thrilling, and I was absorbing every ounce of 'new' that I could. Ben had seen it all before of course, on raids with the First Order, but never once did he lord that fact over me. Each world we surveyed, he would let me lead on, following along beside me wherever I found interesting enough to explore.
It was not all peaceful travels though; a few times we reached moments that tested each other and our limits in the most exhilarating way that I knew.
It was fate that I adored flying and that Ben had the knack for it within his blood - piloting came natural to both of us. Returning often to D'Qar, it being the safest planet to be for an extended period of time, he and I would remove ourselves from the Resistance Base, taking only two X-wings with us, and would settle at a nether region of the green, humid planet. Having a huge chunk of land and air all to ourselves, we would often take to the skies, racing one another recklessly, performing maneuvers that were more daring than they were safe.
On one such occasion, each of us outfitted in flaming orange jump suits, we both ran to our crafts. Hurling joking insults and taunts at each other, the anticipation of another race rising up within our chests, sweet and electrifying. We had played this game of 'cat-and-mouse' many times, each loving the experience far more than the outcome.
Catching the lilt in his laugh, I knew that this round would be no different than any of the others.
I hopped into my cockpit, and looked over to him as he watched me with a matching smirk. Folding his long legs, he situated himself in his seat, and shoved his helmet on over his messy array of hair, clipping his ears in the process.
I started my engines, lights flashing on, turbines whirling to life, and flipped the necessary controls. Helmet fully secure, I took one last look over to Ben, dramatically slid my visor down, and began forward.
X-wings could really move, evidenced by how my stomach flattened against my spine instantly after takeoff. While I twirled through the clouds, I was continually amazed at how fast I could go compared to my speeder, and even the Falcon. But, I had to remind myself, that this was a race – one that I was going to win if I wanted to retain my streak and dignity.
Looking to my side, I saw Ben flanking me, attempting to overtake my position in a sly maneuver. I pushed ahead, executed a barrel roll, an old favorite, and shot right.
I banked left. Banked right. Ducked. Lifted. Dipped. Banked left again.
The nose of his ship would inch past mine; I'd turn up the heat and close the distance. He'd regain an inch; I'd take it back, looking over into his cockpit, determinately gazing into his face.
Countless angles between mountain ranges and valleys left me constantly on my toes. Never once did I have a moment to stop and think, every thought bent on how to defeat him. Eventually, I reached the end of the designated course, a curious rock formation signaling the entrance to the dirt landing pad for our jets.
But, Ben was on my tail.
Seconds turned into what seemed like hours. A mere mile to the finish marker turned into light-years.
However, creeping closer, sweat beading on my brow, teeth gritted, the entire situation feeling similar to the escape on Jakku that now seemed incredibly distant, I, at last, cruised silently in-between the rocks.
Victorious.
My cheers filled the small glass enclosure of my X-wing as I rolled to a stop, hearing the slow cry of my jets die down with a hum. Ben's ship came to rest beside mine not a second after, but I was barely conscious of it as I hurled my body out of my seat, focused on celebrating in the open air. The moment my feet touched the ground, I yanked off my helmet with vigor, and threw up my fists towards the sun.
"Yes!" I giggled freely to the sky, nose scrunched with the enormity of my smile.
But, my merriment died out shortly after when I took note that it was unaccompanied by Ben's usual chiming. Typically, he would celebrate with me, albeit mixing a few sore jabs in with the delight.
But, he was nowhere to be heard or seen.
I ducked under the wing of his craft, looking for his feet, and then moved around to the tail, checking for any sign of him.
Finally, starting to genuinely become concerned, joy at my win quickly ebbing, I climbed up to his cockpit and peered inside.
"Ben?"
At once, arms encircled me from behind, dragging me backwards and down onto the soft dirt. Relief and exasperation came with a rush, stirring up my laughter once again, this time blended with his baritone notes.
Ben had an oversized, boyish grin spread about his features – one that was so infectious, its vibrancy bled onto me. Nothing could steal the happiness that buzzed through my veins while I laid out, enclosed between his arms. Staring up at his face, bordered by a roughed up inky halo, the truth that I had accepted months ago crossed my mind, stronger than ever.
The necessity of having him in on the secret was almost too painfully intense at this point. I did not know if I could keep it to myself anymore. I had kept it shut up inside since its conception due to fear and denial. Through acknowledging its presence, I felt as if I was falling into a trap – one that would lead to self-betrayal.
However, I had weighed my options, evaluated the angles, analyzed the details, contemplated the dilemmas, and realized the conundrums. Despite how much I knew I shouldn't want it, I knew resistance was useless. It was not necessarily in my control, it never had been – what happened, happened.
It was done.
Eyes up, meeting Ben's chocolate stare, coming off the high of triumph, I lost my smile, giggles, and all signs of gaiety. He contemplated my abrupt seriousness with a wrinkled brow, but waited patiently for me to reveal.
I steadied my breath, wishing I could do the same with my erratic heart rate, and fixed my vision directly onto his eyes.
"I love you."
As if poked in the side or, perhaps, electrocuted, his countenance flickered with astonishment. He couldn't believe the meager words that he had heard, and yet he knew for a fact that he had caught them uttered all the same. I watched in painful, suspenseful, awe while a catalog of different facial contractions played out in his expression, signaling a range of distinctive thoughts.
I read his eyes. They did not seem to believe me, even when he shifted to lean on one arm, bringing his other hand to hold the side of my face. I understood why he was so hesitant to trust my declaration - our past was not one that you would expect to find this kind of tender emotion to flourish from.
Regardless, I was becoming increasingly anxious with each stretched moment. Having just laid out my heart, bare and open to another, I felt naked. Insecurity and fear were two things that I had once felt in his presence before – I did not want to endure them for his sake again, even under these drastically different circumstances.
I knew he was afraid, but so was I.
"Say something…" I pleaded in a whisper.
The pad of his thumb ghosted over the ridge of my cheekbone, close to my eye, while he continued to stare down at me appraisingly. A thought occurring to him, a smile broke out across his face, eyes mischievous, and he leant down so that our foreheads touched.
"Rey." he spoke softly, breath caressing my flesh.
At once, with a flexing of his fingers against my temple, a probe pushed against my mind, and I shut my eyes. Far from feeling like the attempts he had made when he and I were once enemies, this sensation was gentle and affectionate. I let him in, curious to see what he was planning, and realized just how profound this action was.
I had willingly let him into my head – trusted him enough to let him have free access to my mind.
There was absolutely no doubt of my feelings for him now.
The pressure of his mental intrusion built up rapidly, and released with what sounded like a whisper floating into my thoughts. It was faint, breathy and light - almost too soft for me to focus on; but the phrase I heard was unmistakable.
I love you.
Gasping, my eyes shot open to look upon Ben's face, shocked at what he had been able to do, but shocked further by what it what it meant.
"You'll have to teach me that." I said grinning breathlessly, not knowing what to say now.
Eyes crinkling, smile wide, Ben laughed and instantly took my mouth with his. Having not shared a kiss since our first, indulging in the act was like finally taking breath of air after being suffocated. Having the pure emotions, now confirmed, put behind the action, triggered something madly satisfying – something that was notably absent in our first kiss.
Wanting more, wanting to absorb him if possible, I forced him to flip us over, lips still conjoined. As both his hands came up came to encase my skull, pulling me down onto him while I sat on his stomach, pure elation exploded in my sternum. If not for the intense pleasure of his teeth now pulling on my lower lip, dragging it out, I would have been blinded by the pain of the intensity it all.
I briefly considered whether the current atmosphere was so extreme because of how he and I were Force-bonded. With every brush and breath, it did not feel as if just my body was aflame, but as if my consciousness was as well. Gauging by how Ben was reacting to each shift of my body, I surmised he felt the same mental frenzy.
As much as I wanted to keep going, I willed myself to pull away from him, breaking our tether with a light pop. It took some time for us to regain normal breathing patterns, he and I panting with effort, but at last I was able to speak.
"What now?" I asked, somewhat teasing.
Ben sighed and tilted his head, a peaceful smile that I had not seen him wear quite so well before crossing his face, as he leaned back, an arm bent behind his head. Fixing me with a look filled with trepidation, as if we had not shared a heated, passionate kiss just a moment ago, he reached forward for my right hand and held it in his, looking down to gaze upon it.
Kneading the skin across the lowest knuckle of my third finger, Ben raised his eyes to mine meaningfully.