I held him for a long time.
He was sobbing and I was sobbing. Until we couldn't tell whose tears were whose. We were a mess of tears and light and dark. And I don't think either of us could tell which was which. When we got tired of standing we sat on the edge of the bed. He had his head curled into my stomach, my arms around his head and shoulders.
When we had stopped crying and were sitting in silence he took a deep breath into my stomach.
"I am weak for crying." He told me. I absently run my hands through his black curly hair.
"No, you are brave for your tears." I tell him. "How long have you held them back?"
"Since I could remember."
"See, that's a lot of tears to face. That is brave." He doesn't move or respond. He just keeps his face buried in my stomach.
"How can I face them now Rey?"
"Who?"
"Snoke, my knights."
"Like you always do." I tell him. "But now you are stronger and they don't know that." He sits up to look at me. We are so close I can feel his breath on my face. But I strangely don't feel embarrassed at our closeness. He reaches his hand out and places it on my cheek.
"I do not understand where you get these words, these answers." He studies every inch of my face. "I can't protect you forever Rey," he tells me. I give him a half smile.
"You don't have to protect me, I can protect myself."
"Not against Snoke, not against his armies you can't." He tells this matter-of-factly. He grips my shoulder with his other arm and I am suddenly alarmed at his starving look. "You have to leave, I am taking you away."
"We said we would fight Snoke, not run and hide." I insist. He draws away from me and stands.
"It will be difficult," he tells me, his voice shaking. "You must train to resist him. His power is greater than my own."
"Then show me how to resist him." I say standing and grabbing his shoulder. He shudders at my touch. He looks over at me, longing in his eyes.
"It will be painful," he tells me.
"Not any more painful then what I have already endured." I say to him. He nods. I can tell he wants to leave, like he used to when we were in the torture chambers. He wants to run away from this. But I can tell he is quickly realizing he can run away from me.
"No, but Rey," he turns to face me. I can feel his anxiety like it hangs in the air. "I don't want Snoke to hurt you."
"But he has hurt you Ben, and I won't let him hurt you again." I am so resolved he studies me for a moment.
"I chose to let him hurt me, you didn't." he tells me. At first I don't understand. He can tell I don't know. "You don't understand what I did for him, what he told me to do and I listened because I wanted the power. I wanted to rule the galaxy and I thought Snoke would help me do that." I am still looking at him, my face blank. He shakes his head. "I killed them Rey, I killed all the young training jedi. Luke tried to stop me but he couldn't. Because Snoke told me if I did I would be able to gain more power, more power to the dark side." I think he expects me to recoil in terror. He is surprised when I just stand looking at him. I remember seeing the vision of him killing the children when I had first touched Luke's lightsaber. I knew he had done dark things.
"Ben, only the future matters." I tell him finally. He is facing me and blinks. Something about his face makes me want to stay silent. It's like he is both in awe and turmoil at once.
"First you tell me I am enough. Now you tell me that only the future matters," he tells me. "You have chosen the only words no one has ever told me." I lean forward and wrap my arms around him. He embraces me back and I feel a thrill race down my spine. I might save him yet.
He pulls away from me first.
"You should get some sleep, we have a lot to do tomorrow."