Chapter 15

Confessions of a Guilty Conscience

He must be 14, mere months before…but he doesn't know that yet.

They're in Arendelle. This is Liam's favorite place in all of the seas. He loves the gold and silver they can steal here.

Killian doesn't know why they're here this time, not specifically, just that Liam is after the most valuable treasure in all the realms. Killian knows the ship has made port, but he's not allowed off the ship. Liam says he has business to do. It isn't the first time he's said that, and Killian doesn't argue.

When Liam returns, he has the biggest grin on his face, chest puffed out and swagger in his walk.

"I've done it, Victor," he says to his first mate, who pats him on the back. "I've stolen the hidden treasure of Arendelle."

Killian tries to insert himself into the conversation. "Where is it brother? I wanna see!"

Victor and Liam laugh, the latter messing with his hair.

"Little brother, you still have a lot to learn," Liam snickers. "You'll see her someday soon, I hope."

Killian pouts. "Younger brother!" he insists. "And why? Why can't I see it now?"

Liam is about to respond, but there is shouting that royal guards have appeared in the harbor. Killian knows what that means. Liam is already ordering his men to get the ship into open water. They have to hustle.

But not to worry. There isn't a faster ship than the Jolly Roger in all the realms. They outrun their royal tail in mere hours. Liam is excited as he addresses the crew about a new adventure.

Then a storm hits, sweeping around them in mere moments. The ship rocking, the sails flapping violent, Liam instantly leaps into action, showing all exactly why he is the captain of the vessel. He even spares a second to tie Killian to the hull to keep the winds from sweeping him overboard.

But the winds whipping at them send Liam reeling in agony even though he maintains his footing. His eyes look cloudy as he grips his head with one hand while searching empty air. He calls out for someone in the midst of his haze.

"Liam!" Killian yells. His brother is too distracted to notice a piece of flying ice hit him in the head.

Killian's shouts snap Liam back to reality for a moment. "I'm fine, little brother," he says, getting to his feet. "This storm, it's magic. It messes with your head, makes you hear things that aren't there."

Even remembering Liam's long-ago warning about Arendelle's magical storms, Killian is not prepared for the hallucinations. He's not prepared to hear screaming in the wind, loud, agonized wailing inher voice. Nothing can shake him as much as her. He tries to focus on keeping a grip on the wheel. He has to keep it steady lest the ship be thrown on its side from the winds.

Then he feels her, her hand on his, a gentle caress of her lips on his cheek. Her voice whispers in his ear , "Stop this, Killian. Just let go."

It's tempting; to listen to Milah, to just let go, let the storm sweep the ship away in its mighty wrath. Just to be safe, in case he gives in to a moment of weakness, he secures the helm's position as best he can with a line.

As soon as he ties off the rope, the screaming changes. Now it's a boy shouting, "It's your fault! You killed her! It was all you! It should have been you."

Killian nods, silently agreeing with the boy's accusations. He always has. His hands shake on the wheel, debating letting go and letting the wind just take the ship. He deserves it. He-

Emma.

He has something more in his life now, someone more, than just his guilt. "Aye, but it wasn't me, and it won't be today either." He looks to where he sent Emma to drop the sails. He just needs a single glance at her.

"Emma?" he calls out for her across the empty deck. All he catches of her is a flash of blonde and then an audible splash. Cold dread crashes over him as if he were the one to hit the water. He rushes to the rail, leaning over to search for her.

He imagines seeing Emma's head pop up above the waves, watching as she vanishes from the water and materializes back on deck, safe and laughing. She will tease him for doubting her, for worrying about her. She'll curse the storm for daring to wet the wings of the Dark Swan.

But in wet, windy reality, he doesn't see her head bob above the churning water. Her triumphant smirk doesn't appear on his ship.

"Elsa!" he yells desperately, already in motion to grab the main line of a sail and tie it around his waist. "Emma fell in the water," he tells the Ice Queen. "I'm going in after her. You need to pull us back up when you see us."

She laughs violently, getting into his face, her hand tracing up his arm in a way that is eerily similar to Emma's touch. "Who do you think pushed her in?" Elsa squeals. "It was so much fun!" She releases her hold, twirling as lightning crackles just beyond.

What is she thinking? Murder aside, they need Emma's help to survive this storm. Elsa wouldn't risk her own life just to kill Emma…right?

"For Anna, and for my kingdom!" Elsa continues her mad ranting. "I don't care if we were once friends, I don't care if we were once sisters! Emma cost me my happiness!"

If he doesn't get Elsa's help, Emma will – he doesn't know what – can the Dark One drown?

But he does know that he can't lose her.

"You're wrong!" he shouts back to Elsa.

"She killed Hans! She killed Anna's true love! She threw my home into everlasting turmoil and civil war!" Elsa reminds him in a growl.

He doesn't think, doesn't need to, as his next words pour out at the thought of Emma dying over his mistake.

"I killed Hans!" he shouts. "Emma lied to protect me. Now please ! Help me save her. She's innocent."

Elsa's face turns from manic glee to surprise to intense rage. Of course she wasn't going to bother saving anyone now that he gave her a new target for her fury. "You!" she roars, ice creeping across the deck until it is entirely encased. "I'm going to kill you!"

He leaps back, slipping on the ice. "Go ahead. I. Don't. Care," he spits. "Just let me find her, let me save your friend, and then you can kill me. I won't try to stop you." He doesn't wait for a reply, just turns and dives from the deck into the icy waters below.

He swims frantically, searching, hoping to see her, or perhaps not to; he'd much prefer if she were safely onboard.

But then he sees blonde hair, and hair only, floating a small distance away. He swims to her as fast as he can, gripping her lower back with one hand and her shoulder with the other to pull her head above the surface.

"Emma!" he chokes out between his own labored gasps, feet treading water without having to think about it. He is lucky, at least in this instance, that the Captain would often toss him overboard just for the pleasure of watching him try to get back on the ship. But he's never tried it with another body before.

"Come on love, wake up," he begs. Her face is hidden by a sodden curtain of blonde. The waves keep sweeping strands over her mouth no matter how much he tries to keep them out of the way. Her skin, always pale, is almost grey now, nearly fading into the color of the churning sea. She's cold, so cold. To touch and the eye. No addictive inner fire, no becoming rosiness to her cheeks or distracting tint to her lips.

He's got her body. Now he has to get Emma back. He looks toward the ship, yanking hard on the rope.

"Elsa! Come on! Pull us up!"

Nothing happens.

Killian turns back to Emma, trying again to wake her. She could fix all of this with a wave of her hand. Her head just rolls onto his shoulder, but that's the only movement she makes. He holds her a little closer.

Whenever the Captain threw him in the water, the sympathetic first mate always helped fish him out. But now his only hope is a vengeful ice demon, whose capacity for empathy froze over a long time ago.

Or perhaps not. The next thing he knows, he, Swan, and a mess of water land on the deck. Even while he's coughing up salt water, it's instinct to pull Swan closer to his chest.

"So much easier than pulling a silly rope," Elsa sneers. "You two aren't worth risking my manicure."

He ignores her, turning Swan onto her back, listening to see if she is breathing.

She isn't.

"Swan, come on Swan, wake up."

She doesn't. He knows she's supposed to be the immortal Dark One, but she isn't waking up, she isn't breathing.

So Killian does the only thing he can, pressing his lips to hers and forcing air into her lungs. "Come on love," he pushes down on her chest, expelling a spray of salt water. He repeats the process once, twice, three times. "Come back to me," he pleads.

And then, like a gift from the gods, she jolts up, eyes snapping open as she starts to choke on the ocean in her lungs. He helps her sit up and pats her back while she coughs up enough water to breathe freely.

"Killian?" she rasps. Her beautiful green eyes are hazy until they focus on his, and he feels nothing but relief. "What? How?"

He doesn't get a chance to answer her, as cold hands grip the back of his jacket and jerk him up and away from her clumsily. "There. She's alive. Happy? Time to die, sailor," Elsa laughs, spinning him around to face her.

He looks to Emma, who is still on the ground, barely sitting up.

"She knows, love. I'm sorry," he says simply, a nervous look on his face. Killian knows he should be scared, but he isn't. He's more afraid of looking back at Emma. He's too afraid of what he'll see.

"Don't you dare, Elsa," Emma hisses, weakly trying to get to her feet while shivering from the cold.

He didn't think the Dark One got cold, showed any sort of weakness, but apparently he was wrong.

"Get your hands off of him," she seethes.

Elsa laughs, snapping her fingers to shoot a bolt of ice at Emma, hitting her in the chest and knocking her backward. Her head hits the deck hard, knocking her unconscious.

"Emma!" he yells, struggling to get to her. Elsa's grip, however, prevents him from moving an inch. The witch moves her hand down to his neck, putting him in a chokehold.

"You better worry about yourself, sailor," Elsa sneers as she pins him against a mast. Even when a wave hits and the ship lurches again, her grip is like stone.

He was going to die.

He feels her hand reach into his jacket pocket and remove something before she sends him sprawling and slipping onto the deck.

"Thanks for the help. I guess this makes us even now," Elsa laughs. "Enjoy it for a few minutes until I get around to killing you."

She tosses the object she took from him into the air. It's light blue and no bigger than the palm of her hand. As it falls, it grows in size and starts to reflect different colors, like a prism. He can see reds and purples and pinks. Then, a ring of rainbow light explodes outward, nearly knocking him back to the deck.

It's a person , he realizes as the lights fade . Elsa just pulled a person from his jacket pocket.

As the object, no – the woman – lands, her hands are wrapped around herself, and she's shivering. He can see frozen patches on her skin and hear the chattering of her teeth.

"Anna?" Elsa asks hesitantly. The figure looks toward the voice, and Killian is sure he sees fear and confusion in her gaze.

"Elsa?" the woman eventually forces out through her chattering teeth. "Oh Elsa!" she sobs as she stumbles towards the ice queen. The rage melts off of Elsa's face as she folds the redhead into her arms.

"Anna, oh Anna, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry!" Elsa presses into her shoulder, near tears.

"You're sorry? I'm sorry!" the defrosted woman exclaims. "I should be the one apologizing. I was scared of you! So scared that I didn't see that you were scared too."

Leaving them to their the warm reunion, Killian makes his way over to Emma. When he feels her heartbeat and her hears her breathing, he lets out a sigh of relief. Elsa hears him, spinning around, rage taking over her face again. Killian flinches in fright, instinctively positioning himself in front of Emma.

"Almost forgot about you, sailor," Elsa sneers, forming a ball of ice in her hand.

He was going to die.

"Elsa, where am I? What happened?" Anna interrupts, looking between the two.

"Your sister is going to kill me, lass, all because I killed someone to make him stop torturing my friend," Killian explained like he was offering a weather report, knowing Anna's interference was his only chance at living long enough for Emma to wake up.

Elsa bellows in rage.

"Elsa, is that true?" Anna asks.

Elsa lowers her ice-wielding hand. When she doesn't respond to Anna, Killian decides to push his luck.

"Murder is a bad first impression, lass," he says. "We average humans don't exactly like it."

Anna quietly pleads with her sister, "Elsa, please don't. No more freezing, no more killing."

"Fine," Elsa grumbles. "But the man he killed was Hans, Anna. He killed your true love."

The Anna flinches back at the news her hand going up to cover her mouth in shock. She looks deeply hurt by the news.

Elsa takes this moment to raise her hand again looking, if possible, angrier than she did before.

Anna's frown turns to a sad smile. "If he's my true love, then I might as well be frozen again," she says sarcastically. "He never loved me, Elsa. He broke my heart. He wanted me to turn to ice."

Elsa puts a comforting hand on her shoulder as a wave pushes the ship off balance. Killian leaps toward the helm, grabbing the controls to level the ship. "Elsa, Anna, grab Emma. Get below deck and stay there until I come get you," he orders. He can see Elsa sneer at him, a rebuttal on the way when none other than Ingrid appeared from down below.

"I'll take care of her Captain." She assured him, waving a hand and Emma disappears before him. "Elsa, when you said my help was not needed above deck, I didn't think that meant you would try to kill your sister." The woman lectured.

Anna looks towards Elsa, Killian can see a dozen questions racing through her mind.

Elsa catches the redhead by her shoulder to steer her toward the ladder leading below deck.

"Your sister, Elsa?" Anna asks. "Where are we? What's happened since I was frozen?" She looks at Ingrid in confusion. "Who is she? Why does she look a bit like Mom?"

Ingrid just fixes her with an icy stare.

"So much, Anna, so much, but right now let's get you inside where it's warm, ok?" Elsa answers gently, tears of ice slipping down her own cheeks. "Please, let me take care of you for once."

Anna nods, a small smile on her face. "Of course, sister."Before she can disappear with a triumphant smirk, Killian calls for Elsa to come back for a moment. "I want an explanation," he growls once they are alone. "I thought you said the only way to free your sister from the ice was to find her true love."

"I don't need to tell you anything, but since I'm in a good mood now…I'll just tell you the bare bones of it. The wizard said that I needed an act of true love. The obvious one is a kiss from her soul mate," Elsa deigns to explain. "But since someone killed him," her eyes flash dangerously, "or at least I thought they did, I had to come up with a new plan. I'm far too cold-hearted to thaw anyone else with my affection, but I found a third option."

Elsa gets in her triumphant smirk after all. "I know how to spot a man in love, a man ready to go to the end of the world for his mate." She presses a hand over his heart. He gasps as the cold seeps into his chest. He didn't know it was even possible for how cold he already felt after his dip in the sea."And I knew it was only a matter of time before you'd trade yourself for her, before you'd perform an act of true love." She pulls her hand back to offer a mocking little clap. "I planted Anna in your pocket hoping the magic from your charming little display would transfer to her. It didn't even take you a day!"

From her face, it's unclear if she's impressed with his performance or the brilliance of her plan. Probably the latter. "Of course, I didn't think you were the one who actually killed my idiot brother-in-law, but surrendering that bit of info to absolve Emma, along with jumping into the ocean in the middle of a storm to save her did the trick. I would have let the pair of you drown if Anna hadn't been in your pocket, now that would have been a perfect ending, but I'll take what I can get." She said with a shrug.

"There's a problem with that, lass," Killian finally found his voice after struggling to comprehend Elsa's explanation. "I don't love Emma. I can't."

Elsa lets out a laugh. It might almost be a real one.

"If you didn't love her, then Anna would still be an ice cube, and you would be dead. But by all means, you keep telling yourself whatever makes you feel better, pirate."

He doesn't love her; He can't. He can't love someone only to lose her, to force her to lose him. He can't be another person to break her heart.

And yet, Elsa is right, Anna was thawed out. It meant...something. It meant his feelings for Emma were past the point of denial. Things were getting too complicated. "Elsa, can we keep this between you and me?" he asks. "Emma doesn't need to know."

Elsa just shrugs in reply as she goes to join her revived sister below deck.

Alone with his thoughts, Killian makes one thing perfectly clear in his head:

He will not love Emma Swan

So Elsa being Elsa again.

and more angst, unfortunately. So much angst right now.

11/24/17: Now beta read by the glorious notoriouscs