Chapter 16
A Little Morality
She remembers blue eyes and cold. She had been so cold.
But now she isn't. Emma is wrapped head-to-toe in a blanket – Killian's blanket. It smells of sea, and leather, and him. She's in the captain's quarters, the room Killian –
She shoots up, gasping for air. If she is here, then where is Killian? What happened?
"Time to die, sailor."
Elsa!
She found out it was Killian who killed Hans. Elsa was positively furious when she thought it was her. She had gone as trying to kill her. Now that she knew it was Killian...
Emma should have been there to protect him. Yet all it had taken was a hit to the head and some cold water to take her out of the picture.
If she hurts him – if Elsa dares to even touch Killian, my Killian, I'll slaughter her. Screw Elsa's fears about a damn civil war. I'll burn all of Arendelle to the ground.
"Elsa!" Emma roars, storming out the door that she threw off its hinges with pure magic in her rage. "Where is he?" She bursts above deck, but the helm is empty. Killian is gone.
Did she throw him overboard? Did he drown, body never to be found? Was he frozen solid and shattered? Emma needs to know. After all, how else can she decide how Elsa will die?
"Elsa!" she bellows again, ready to charge into her room. Emma's skin is practically glittering with furious magic.
"Shut it, Swan," Elsa snaps, appearing above deck on her crystal throne. "There are people here trying to get some shuteye."
Emma shoots a blast of something at Elsa's head. She's too angry to pay attention to what she's saying. Ice explodes where Elsa's head had just been. The witch is going to freeze or burn or both if she doesn't give the Dark One answers this instant!
Elsa, totally unbothered by the cold, mimes knocking on her own head. "Anyone in there, Swan?" she says sarcastically, tauntingly echoing Killian's way of addressing her.
Apparently it was possible for Emma to get even more infuriated. She shoots off another blind bolt.
"Because as I said, people are sleeping," Elsa enunciates like she's speaking to child.
Emma looks past the mizzenmast to where Elsa is pointing. At a heap of leather? Emma looks more closely, and her eyes widen.
Asleep against a box, curled up, is a sailor, her sailor.
"Killian!" Emma rushes to him. His hands are tangled in a mess of rigging, and he's soaked to the bone. He must have been up here all night, fighting the storm on his own, before he passed out. The second she touches him, he stirs in alarm, eyes blinking sleepily.
"Is it morning yet?" he slurs, only half awake. "The storm, the storm, I have to –"
Emma smiles at his exhaustion, heaving to his feet and supporting him against her shoulder. "No Jones, the storm is over. You beat it! But now you need a bed worthy of a hero."
"Mhm," he mumbles as his head rolls into her neck. He can barely stand. "Seems you're right about me needing some sleep, Swan."
She laughs at his words, transporting them to the captain's quarters and plopping him onto the bed before he has a chance to change his mind.
"Was this all a ploy to get me into bed, Swan?" he snickers after a moment.
Emma rolls her eyes.
"I'm supposed to be the one making you uncomfortable with my comments, Jones," she quips, pulling off his cold, damp jacket. She won't be surprised if he gets a cold after this. She reaches into the drawer to find another shirt for him.
"Turnabout is good form, Swan."
"Thank you, by the way," she says softly. "You saved my life. Again." It's sort of getting annoying, constantly being saved by this man, this kind deckhand who should not be saving her .
He grins at her as she speaks, but then she reaches to undo his vest. In sudden panic, he pulls back, forcing her hands away from the clasps.
"Swan, I'm fine. Just leave me be," he insists, pushing himself further onto the bed with trembling hands.
She gives him a pointed look. His hands are shaking so badly she doubts he can hold a glass of water to his lips if he wanted, forget about undoing the clasps on his vest. And it's not just a matter of comfort. He needs to get warm and rest, or he'll get sick. "You need to get out of those wet clothes," she reminds him, reaching for the clasps once more.
"Please, Swan," he says quietly, "I can't."
Can't what? Then Emma remembers something Elizabeth said.
He deals with all of Killian's "falls."
She looks back to Killian, noting his desperation. He doesn't want her to see, to know.
Emma undoes his vest despite his protestation and tosses it onto a chair.
The half-healed stab wound in his side is healing nicely now. She sees three similar scars around it, as well as burns, from small, round ones to larger patches of scarred skin. The worst of his wounds are long slashes, healed into raised scars now, but still fresh enough to evoke images of the pain they must have caused.
She burns thinking about someone doing this to him; she wants to find the culprit, carve the same wounds into his skin, make him scream, rip his heart out –
"Please, Emma, don't," he tries in vain to hide his back from her. "I don't need your pity. I told you not to" His words are dark and cold. "And I certainly don't need you to fight my battles for me," he adds, as if he can read the dark thoughts in her head. "Just give me the bloody shirt." He demands. He practically snatches it from her hands.
"Fine. But I wasn't offering any pity, Jones." Her response is a little sharper than intended. She hadn't meant to cause him embarrassment or anything. She was trying to help.
She watches him put the replacement on silently, only barely helping him slide under the sheets, blatantly ignoring the way his gaze searches hers. Whatever he's looking for, Emma doesn't give it to him. She has to focus on to keeping her rage in check for his sake.
She pulls another quilt out of a chest and drapes it over the exhausted pirate before she lies down next to him.
The silence is practically echoing with awkwardness. "You know the cool thing about magic?" Emma asks suddenly. "It makes it really easy to cover things up." She lifts up the hem of her shirt a bit to show the cut in her side that Elizabeth had stitched. Emma hadn't bothered to heal it yet.
With a simple wave of her hand, it disappears, leaving only pale skin in its place. "It makes hiding the truth about reality so simple," she continues. "If I didn't have magic, I don't know what I would look like. My mother used me for target practice as a child; it was her way of toughening me up. My father was merciless when he taught me how to use a sword. The only way to learn how to win was to experience what it felt like to lose, to be weak."
She pauses, reminding herself that this is Killian. It's ok to let him in, at least for a moment. "But some scars, the ones from a mother who couldn't love you and the father who wasn't allowed to, you can't heal those wounds with a simple parlor trick."
She looks to him for a reaction, but he averts his gaze. "I don't know what you've been through, Killian. I won't pretend like I do, but at least, at least I can try to understand."
Killian shakes his head. "You fought back," he challenges. "You got away. I haven't. I won't."
Emma doesn't believe that.
"What about now? What about today?" she asks. "You're here now."
He smiles weakly, eyes drifting shut. "I'm afraid, Swan," he admits, "that whatever has come over me since I met you will vanish once you're gone."
She feels the tension leave his body with his defeated sigh.
"Don't you know Killian?" She asked. "Whatever ha come over you as you say, has nothing to do with me. You are strong on your own, so strong." She insisted. Killian was the bravest person she knew.
Emma kisses his forehead before getting up, ready to leave him to rest. She wanted to stay by his side, but she'd already pushed him too far once and the last thing he needed was to be pushed again.
"Emma? Stay?" he asks quietly. Emma's eyes widened in surprise.
Are you sure? She wanted to ask, but couldn't find the words.
He reached his hand out finding hers. Their hands intertwined and he gave a gentle pull. "Stay with me."
She smiles, crawling under the covers beside him.
"Always."
She stays with him until he falls asleep, until she does too. Dark Ones don't fall asleep. For a Dark One to sleep, their mind must truly be at rest, at ease. With all sorts of dark thoughts swirling around, it was usually impossible.
But here she is, practically cuddled into her pirate, slipping in and out of consciousness. Usually she'd be annoyed by sleep, the weakness, but here, it feels amazing. It feels like relief.
Emma isn't just sleeping. She is also observing. She learns that Killian snores, that he mutters in his sleep, that his dark hair sticks up wildly as he tosses and turns.
She can also see the nightmares seconds before they come, the way his face tenses and his breathing hitches and his mumbles form actual words – first "Liam," then "Milah," and the occasional "Bae." She is surprised when she first hears her name from his lips in a wail of anguish.
He wakes up briefly, smiling at her before going back to sleep. She'd forgotten how exhausting it looked to be mortal, to be helpless to fight the need for sleep and food and warmth. Not that she is totally free of weakness herself, but that's her dirty little secret.
When Killian does eventually wake up for good, he does something funny. He turns onto his side so he can see her and takes her hand. She feels like a silly girl with a crush when she gets butterflies in her stomach from the simple motion.
"Think it's time I told you my story, don't you agree?" Killian murmurs, pulling her close. She smiles encouragingly and nods. She wants to know everything about him, but she'll settle for anything he's willing to give.
"I already told you about how my father was betrayed by the crown. But Liam, my time with Liam, that was the best," he starts.
"He taught you how to sail," Emma says softly, remembering that same look in his eyes from the first time he spoke of his beloved brother.
He nods. "Liam taught me how to fight, how to be a gentleman, even though he was a pirate. He would send me below deck while he raided ships, killed people, but I knew. I always knew. Yet it didn't bother me. How could it? He was my brother. He never killed anyone who didn't deserve it, never a woman or child, never someone unarmed. It was his code. He always fought with good form."
Emma likes the idea of codes. She wishes she had one of her own, but every time she tries, her darkness flares until she breaks it.
"For years we sailed around on adventure after adventure. I was around 15 when something changed."
Emma narrows her eyes but doesn't interrupt Killian.
"He heard tales of a land where there was a magic plant, a plant that made you immune to magic and healed you instantly of all ailments. I don't know why that was so important to him, but Liam became obsessed with it. It was called Dreamshade."
Dreamshade…Emma's never heard of it, which is a rare thing, as the Dark One knows about most magic. It peaked her curiosity.
"The plant was in another realm, Neverland," Killian continued his explanation. "Liam stole a special sail that could get us there, but only the two of us."
That doesn't seem right to Emma, a pirate captain with his own crew taking only his little brother to a mysterious realm?
"The land has a sort of magic that prevents adults from functioning normally; they get confused and agitated. Children, however, seem to thrive on the magic. It was incredible, Emma. I felt more alive once I set foot there than ever before."
But – there is always a but to tales like this –
"But before we found the plant we were looking for, we met a child who warned us that Dreamshade was not a cure-all, but a deadly poison. I believed the boy, and I tried to deter Liam from touching it, from using it. But he wouldn't listen. He wanted it, needed it to work. I didn't understand his instance. I still don't, actually."
Killian hesitates, closing his eyes, trying to collect himself. "He tried to prove to me it was safe. Watching my brother poison himself, watching him fall, watching him die…it was a nightmare ."
In that instant, Emma understands why he's been so secretive about it. Telling her, voicing the words, meant he had to relive the pain. Maybe she should stop the story. She doesn't really need to know, not enough to cause him pain.
But Killian disagrees, answering her before she even speaks. "I need to finish telling you, Emma. I want someone else to know."
With that, he continues with the darkest part of the tale. "I was crying over my brother as dark veins snaked up his arms, his chest, his neck. It was dreadful, but then the child appeared, offering me a cure for the poison – at a price, of course."
"All magic comes with a price," Emma echoes. No one knows that better than the Dark One.
"Aye. The cure was water from a particular, so I got some and helped him drink it. I gave my brother the cure, and he came back to me, Emma. I had never been so relieved. I thought that was the end of it. I thought we would go back to the Jolly Roger, back to our realm, back to our lives. Liam was ready to skin the man who had lied to his face. I was laughing, too relieved to be mad at the moment."
Killian's face contorts slightly, mirroring the confusion in his mind.
"This next part…there's what I always thought happened, and now, after…well, you know, now there are new memories too, but they don't fit together. It's hard to make much sense of them." He shakes his head, as if that will clear up the confusion.
"In my old memories, after Liam recovered, the child appeared, telling us the price of the magic. He said that the cure only works on Neverland. The second my brother left, Liam would die of the poison. He had to stay in Neverland forever. So we planned to stay. Living in the jungle couldn't be so bad. At least we'd be together. But then a ship came. Liam tried to protect me the best he could, but I was stupid. I thought I could get them to help us, but I only put myself in more jeopardy. The Captain snatched me away with his crew, and he stole the Jolly Roger too. I remember crying, pleading for them to bring me back to my brother. The Captain burned the enchanted sail right in front of me, so I knew we could never go back."
"The Captain told me that if I ever left my post, whatever ownership I thought I had over my brother's ship would be lost. It's why I never left, at least at first. Later I realized that even if I wanted to leave, where would I go? The Jolly Roger was the only thing left of my family, of my home."
He hesitates, waiting tensely for Emma's reply.
She is quiet for a minute, before answering softly, "It's different now, Killian. You have someone. I mean… I think now you can be brave. I think you can take back your ship if you want it."
He grins. She can see a snarky response forming in his head before it fades, and his face falls again.
"The thing is, Emma, I have a second version of these events spinning in my head now. It has me terrifi –"
Killian is interrupted by banging and yelling just above them. They both leap out of bed. Killian grabs another vest and throws on his mostly dry leather jacket.
They race up to the deck, blades raised.
"Pirates," he growls, eyeing the grappling hooks thrown over the gunwales. The pirates are talking to Elsa, who is clearly infuriated. The deck beneath her feet is already frozen solid, and the chill is spreading quickly.
"Elsa, get back," Killian orders sharply.
Emma watches as he takes charge, demanding to speak with the captain of the other ship.
One of the pirates steps forward. She can't hear what the man says, but whatever it is, Killian doesn't like it. He shoots back a response that makes the supposed captain just as angry.
"Swan, take Elsa below deck. I'll take care of this," he promises with a wink.
Emma rolls her eyes. Guess Captain Swagger is coming out to play again.
"Come on Swany, I'm in the mood for some bloodshed," Elsa whines as Emma drags her away from the confrontation. "You're no fun!"
"Jones wants to do this his way. Besides, we have some things to discuss," Emma growls. "Like how you threw me overboard !"
Elsa grins. "Oops?"
Guest: Thank you for your kind words, I really appreciate it, as for your question, 'Why Killian doesn't want to love Emma?' I've been implying it, but I'll be sure to make it more obvious next chapter since the perspective goes back and forth... As for killing Elsa, it's always fun to have a frenemy keeping us on our toes. XD. Let me know if you still want to kill her in three or four chapters.
11/25/17: Now Beta read by the glorious notoriouscs
~Luna