A/N: Two chapters in one day?! Credit for the 2P manual goes to YumeHoshiChan, check her out on DeviantART.
Let me know what other 2Ps you want to see in this story!
Enjoy~
Chapter 2
Pancakes and a Delivery
I awoke to the delicious smell of pancakes, and even though I knew Sally was just using it as bait to lure me downstairs, I didn't care. I threw the blankets off my bed and ran down the stairs, past the living room and into the kitchen, where Sally just finished putting them on a plate.
"Good morning Sis! Nice to know you still love pancakes enough to get up in the morning." I didn't reply. It's too early in the morning for talking…but it's never too early for pancakes. I sat down and about ten minutes later I had finished off all the pancakes.
"Morning" I finally managed to say. "What did you do though?" I could tell by her face something was wrong. She was smiling too much and not giggling enough. Not to mention she only makes pancakes when she has bad news for me.
"I'm not going to be angry, it's too early in the morning for that, so just tell me." She bit her lip, obviously debating whether to tell me her secret or not. After a few moments she looked up and began to explain.
"You remember that pop-up last night?" I nodded my head.
"Yeah, what about it?" She got quiet, probably figuring out how to word whatever she was about to say.
"We got a delivery this morning, about an hour ago, come to the garage." She quietly said as she turned and headed to the garage. I was confused, how does a delivery relate to the pop up? Could the "delivery" be the Hetalia unit the pop-up mentioned? That's not possible; they shouldn't even have my address! I trailed behind her with these thoughts and more swirling around my head, trying to make sense of what she said. Then we got to the garage.
In the middle of the room stood a box, towering over me at about six or seven feet.
"The cute delivery guy helped me drag it in here, and he gave me this, here." She handed me a booklet which read:
2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND: User Guide and Manual
"A manual, huh? At least it isn't a sticky note with his number on it." I murmured to myself.
"He gave me that too." She cheekily replied with a wink. I sighed with a smile, this girl was too cheeky for her own good, but it was amusing. I looked back at the manual.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have just received a 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit. This unit is rather sweet and affectionate, but does have a darker side like most of the "2P" units do. This manual is to ensure your physical safety and sanity, as well as that you never deal with that darker side.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Arthur Kirkland. Will also respond to Arthur, Artie, Mr. Kirkland, Cupcake, Madman, Crazy bastard, Psycho, (Negatively to the past three) and Iggy. Oddly enough, responds to Oliver and Ollie as well.
Age: 23
Place of Manufacture: London, England
Height: 5'9
Weight: 130 pounds.
Length: Completely sweet.
"AHAHAhaha!" Sally fell to the floor laughing. "C-completely s-sweet ahaha that's genius!" I looked down at her confused, I get that it was a joke, but it wasn't that funny. I ignored her antics and continued to read.
Your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit comes with the following:
Two (2) pink sweater vests
Two (2) sky blue bowties
One (1) cookbook for various sweets/pastries
Two (2) very large, sharp knives.
Two (2) kits of skin-colored powder
Programming
Your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is programmed with the following traits:
Baker: 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND adores baking in all its forms, with a particular fondness for cupcakes…however, it is advised that you don't eat the cupcakes after they're frosted, as he tends to add 'unusual' ingredients to the icing.
Babysitter: Due to his own childish personality, this unit is perfect for getting along with kids, though it is advised that if he does babysit, it is not for a prolonged period of time. We at Flying Chocolate Bunny inc. are not responsible for any mental damage done to children in 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND'S care.
Serial Killer: Does that one annoying guy down the street drive you insane? Have you always been a fan of Sweeney Todd? Fear not, as your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit is very eager to use his knives…very violently too. He's also skilled enough to leave no trace of his identity, so you won't worry about the cops breaking down your door! He never leaves any witnesses behind!
"I don't like that last one very much." I remarked. Sally agreed.
Removal of your 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND Unit from Packaging
Your unit is generally rather happy-go-lucky, but he is also likely to kill you if you remove him from packaging incorrectly. To avoid any knives going through vital organs, we have placed this list of ideal ways to wake him up.
1. Bring the crate into your kitchen and begin baking. Cupcakes are ideal for this. 2P! ARTHUR KIRKLAND will begin begging to be let out so he can help you. Let him out as quickly as possible, or he will cut his way out…and probably cut anything else around him, too.
2. Curse loudly. It doesn't matter what you say, even something mild will work. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will suddenly break out of the box and pin you, either against a wall or the floor. He will likely hold a knife to your throat and begin lecturing you on foul language. It is advised you reprogram him as fast as possible.
3. Bring in a 2P ALFRED F. JONES unit. He will begin loudly shouting for your unit to wake up, mixed with cursing and threatening. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will wake up and be in Clingy mode, and you're free to reprogram him…but please, do so before 2P ALFRED F JONES attempt to beat you with his baseball bat for dragging him here.
If you think 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND was shipped successfully, open the box and reprogram him. However, just in case he wakes up, we highly advise-no, we DEMAND-that you take the knives from his box first so he can't shred you if you startle him awake.
Reprogramming
After removing 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND from his box, you can reprogram him to any personality listed below. Please note that not all of his personalities are…pleasant.
Childish (default)
Unstable (default)
Madman
Clingy
Sad
1P (locked)
2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND arrives in his default Childish and Unstable modes. Childish more or less translates to him being an incredibly cheerful and sweet man who loves bright colors, dolls, baking sweets…and possibly cutting you into itty bitty pieces and making a 'special' batch of cupcakes if you upset him due to his Unstable nature. Other than that, he is quite adorable in this mode, and will also be rather affectionate.
Unstable, aside from the obvious murdering you if you make him mad/sad/whatever, means that 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will often be quite random…think of the Mad Hatter if you like. He will say odd things and laugh a lot, as well as sing various nursery rhymes (He seems quite fond of 'Mary Had A Little Lamb' and 'Patty Cake') in a disturbing tone of voice. Try to ignore it, as it is perfectly normal…but if he stares at you while singing, it's best you be worried or start singing along, depending on his expression.
Madman is just that: He will be quite insane. Even more than usual. This mode is activated if somebody says something to anger him, such as insulting his cupcakes or threatening/insulting somebody he is close to (i.e. another unit). 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is much more likely to kill you in this mode as any others, although for the most part, his rage will be directed at whoever angered him. He will snap back to normal once his revenge is carried out, and we advise you not eat any of his cooking for a day or two until then. It is ill-advised to try and reprogram him manually.
Clingy is easy to activate, and is almost twice as loving as his Childish mode while in it. It's activated by leaving him at home alone for a few hours with no explanation, or introducing him to a 2P ALFRED F JONES or 2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS unit. He will be very affectionate and clingy to anyone and everyone in this mode, and will often use terms of endearment such as "poppet," "love," and "lamb," regardless of gender, and will have a minor emotional breakdown if you try to make him go away. Please note that the above units will not react positively to a 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit in this mode and will either ignore him or threaten him. He'll go back to normal in a few hours.
Sad is exactly what you think. It is activated by making a comment on his freckles, shouting tat him like you would when scolding a child, or convincing him to curse (which takes quite a lot, honestly). In this mode, he will lock himself in a room and sob for a long time, not coming out. If the first scenario is involved, he will be in the bathroom applying makeup constantly to hide his freckles. If it's the second, he will sit in the corner of his bedroom. And if it's the third, he will be washing his mouth out with soap. To snap him out of this mode, apologize to him and offer to buy him a treat or say you'll bake cupcakes with him (monitor him carefully when he makes the frosting.) This will cheer him right up to Clingy mode and he'll be just fine!
Please keep in mind that 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND may also go into Madman mode instead of Sad at some points. We're not sure why this happens, and it is very rare, but try to be careful. We are not responsible for your damages.
Your unit's only locked mode is 1P mode. We're not sure why, but occasionally, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will begin acting like his counterpart, ARTHUR KIRKLAND. If this happens, he will remain this way for a few days. We advise you contact customer service if this goes on for more than a week. We also recommend ordering a normal ARTHUR KIRKLAND unit manual until then to avoid any OTHER mistakes.
"Sally" She looked at me, curious as to what I was going to say.
"Yeah?" She replied.
"What have we done…" She giggled in response the way she often does, short and high pitched.
"Don't know, let's keeping reading and find out!" She replied cheerfully, unaffected by the strangeness of the situation.
Relationships with Other Units
Like most of our other 2P units, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is more likely to form a relationship with a 2P unit than a 1P unit. Here are the units he will respond to:
2P ALFRED F. JONES: 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is openly affectionate to 2P ALFRED F. JONES, who does not tend to return these affections. However, much like their 1P versions, relationships will catch like wildfire with a little time and effort. We advise setting up cameras to catch any action.
2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS: Yet again, 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is rather emotionally clingy to 2P FRANCIS BONNEFOIS and will follow him around, offering him sweets, similar to how he behaves with 2P ALFRED F. JONES. However, 2P FRANCIS BONNEFIOIS's emotionless nature will make this pairing much more difficult to achieve. If you want to try, well, be our guest!
2P KIKU HONDA: 2P KIKU HONDA and 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND's relationship is different. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be polite and friendly as usual, but 2P KIKU HONDA will openly hit on him in a way that makes your unit nervous. 2P KIKU HONDA is very likely to sexually abuse and molest 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, which we don't recommend, as 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will probably lash out…with his knives.
2P MATTHEW WILLIAMS: This is more of a brotherly relationship than anything. You know, when the older brother tries to befriend the younger, but the younger brother hates the older…? It's a bit like that. A romantic relationship will NEVER happen.
ARTHUR KIRKLAND: Like most of our 2P-1P relationships, these two have a love-hate relationship…in other words, they love to hate each other. For the most part it will consist of ARTHUR KIRKLAND cursing and insulting 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, who will taunt him right back and probably bringing out the knives…but hey, if you like selfcest, go right ahead.
"Hey sis" Sally said suddenly.
"What?" I asked.
"What's selfcest?" she asked innocently. I glared at her.
"Don't try to act all innocent with me, you know the answer to that!" I snapped, all she did was stick her tongue out at me.
"Just teasing you sis, don't take it so seriously." She replied airily.
Cleaning
2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is quite fond of bubble baths, and will often ask you to bring in some kind of toy for him to play with as he does. It is surprisingly safe to bathe with 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND, although he may insist on covering you with bubbles and splashing you.
Feeding
2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND is an excellent cook and is able to cook incredibly delicious sweets. We only recommend eating cupcakes—his signature dish—if you monitor his every move when he makes and applies the frosting, or simply eating them before it is applied. We do not recommend eating them otherwise, as his ingredients are…unique. And often dangerous.
Rest
Your unit will often fall asleep early (8-9), but will protest he's not tired if you wake him up or ask him to go to bed. HE will also wake up rather early, and if he thinks you're sleeping too late, will often sit in your room and wait for you to wake up. Do not be alarmed if you wake up and see 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND watching you sleep, or lying in your bed and cuddling you, as this is normal behavior.
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: A while back, my neighbor said something to anger my unit. A few days later, my neighbor disappeared. Should I be worried?
A: Let's put it this way…as long as you didn't eat the cupcakes your unit undoubtedly made after your neighbor disappeared, particularly if they have red or pink frosting, your only worry will be the slight chance that the police show up. Oh, and don't go into your basement/storage room for a few days…trust us on that.
Q: 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND ran out of his powder, and now refuses to leave his room because he's embarrassed by his freckles. What do I do?
A: Buy him more powder. Duh.
Q: I ate some of the frosted cupcakes my unit made, and now I'm feeling horrible. What do I do?
A: DID YOU EVEN READ THE MANUAL?! Well, can't be helped now. First, call poison control. Second, go to your bathroom and try to empty the contents of your stomach as best you can. Call the ambulance too. Now pray that they show up in time.
With enough love, sweets and patience for childish antics (as well as the intelligence to avoid becoming an ingredient), 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will be one of the most adorable friends you could ask for. He has a lifelong guarantee, so you'll have him for a while! Enjoy!
I just stared at the manual, reading it over and over again, not believing this was actually happening.
"Hey Fel…Fel!" Sally said as she poked me.
"What?" I snapped, irritated by the poke. I don't like to be touched.
I have a condition called Hyperesthesia, which means I'm really sensitive to, well, everything. The doctors don't understand it, but it used to be really bad. I couldn't go outside, people has to speak in whispered voices when I was around, the food I ate had to be as tasteless as possible, overall a nightmarish experience. However, my parents managed to teach me how to dim the sensations to the same level as normal people, but it took a lot of concentration to control all of them, so I only dimmed a few at a time unless it was absolutely necessary to dim them all, such as when I was walking through a crowd at a concert eating a candy bar. Never again will I make that mistake, I ended up with a massive headache after only five minutes, one that didn't go away for days. Sally poked me again.
"Can we open the box?" She asked as she pouted, obviously annoyed that I ignored her.
"How?" Sally just smiled, one that was appeared far too innocent for the bad intentions that I knew from experience were held behind it.
"It said in the manual, remember?" I shook my head, I could only remember a few parts.
"Let me show you!" She said with a wicked smile as she slammed her foot down on my toe.
"What the hell Sally?! Shit, that hurts!" I screeched like a banshee. She ran out of the room faster than I could blink and shut the door behind her, taking the manual with her.
I wiped the tears out of my eyes and clenched my teeth, trying to ignore my throbbing toe. I knew it wasn't broken, but it was definitely going to leave one hell of a bruise. I turned my thoughts to the situation at hand.
What did she say, something about opening the box. But how, what would open it up I thought to myself. Then I remembered, something only Sally was crazy enough to want to do.
Curse loudly. It doesn't matter what you say, even something mild will work. 2P ARTHUR KIRKLAND will suddenly break out of the box and pin you, either against a wall or the floor. He will likely hold a knife to your throat and begin lecturing you on foul language. It is advised you reprogram him as fast as possible.
Crap! Sally what have you done!? I quickly turned to face the box, still in one piece. I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding and took a step towards the box, hoping to quietly walk past it and out the door. Sally could not get away with this, if anything she was going to be the one to open the box. At least that's what I had planned to do.
As soon as I heard sounds coming from the box, instinct took over. I ran, wincing from the pain that shot up my leg, and dived behind a table just in time to avoid the flying pieces of the shattered box.
I quickly crawled into the space under the table, managing to do so without moving the chair. I didn't dare move away from my hiding place. Something had just broken out of that box, and I did not want to come face to face with that something.
I relaxed my control on my hearing as I did not want to risk a glance. All I heard was quiet, calm breathing, and it was close. Very close. Goosebumps made their way down my arms as I slowly realized...
He was on the other side of the table!
I nearly lost it, but my still throbbing toe prevented me from panicking and running away from whatever was behind the table. I wouldn't be able to run fast with that pain shooting up my leg at each step.
At least I knew where he was, and it didn't appear "Oliver" could say the same about me. A minute passed, but it felt like hours. He wasn't moving. I was trapped in a room with a psychotic robot called Oliver.
I had to come up with a plan. What were the chances he knew where I was? Slim, he probably heard the door close and is waiting for it to be opened again. Could it be locked?
If so I need the key, and the only key I could use is the one hidden in the sports box. The one I can't get to without "Oliver" noticing.
Yet another unlucky situation for me to be in, and all I could do was be patient and wait for the inevitable to happen.
My luck will turn. It always does.
Then everything went dark.
A/N: Oliver has arrived everyone! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and be sure to let me know what other 2Ps you want to see in this story!