Padmé read the session transcript for the second time that day. The first time was to get a general idea of the topic discussed; the second time was to take notes. There would be a third time to read it later when she designed her proposal.
As soon as she got back to Coruscant the week before she threw herself at work. A week of time off had done little to relax her. If anything she'd felt lonely at the lake house, which led her to spend the last four days of her brief vacation with her family. She usually welcomed time alone. She had lived her life being followed by an entourage and it was only at night when she had time to herself. But lately her solitude had left her with musings of a certain someone she didn't want to give too much thought to.
Anakin.
She worried about him. Worried about his wellbeing now that he was fighting a war having had his heart broken not once, but twice. First, his mother's death and then Padmé's rejection.
She felt so incredibly guilty by what had happened and wondered how much of it had been her fault. Did she ever give him any signals that she was looking for a relationship that went beyond the physical? Certainly not, but it had happened anyway. And while she realized that she couldn't control the way others responded to her, she knew she had never hinted she wanted a romantic relationship.
Or did she?
She had been there to comfort him at his lowest point. As much as she tried to reason that any other friend would've done the same, she knew that in their case it was different. Adding that to her previous attempts to seducing him probably led him to believe that she wanted romance, that she was open to him loving her.
She was flattered by his emotions towards her, but they left her uneasy. She didn't understand the Jedi code, but she figured there must have been a good reason for the no attachments rule. She feared that she would weaken Anakin, now more than ever since his mother had died and he had committed such atrocities to avenge her.
She was terrified by that side of him. How could someone live with such duplicity in them? One minute he was a good man with a mischievous twinkle in his eye, the next he had blood in his hands, his body consumed by hate.
She didn't want to think about that. She wanted to think about his better side. Every time he had made her laugh, sometimes until she cried, all the times he had listened to her giving her his full attention. His struggle to remain faithful to the Jedi code and to please his superiors. He was so powerful and strong; a great warrior who was only beginning his career and that would probably be spoken about for generations to come. Yet his heart held such longing for love. It longed for her.
And now he was fighting a war, away from her. She tried to follow his steps through the war reports the senate received, but the conflict was so young that there was not too much information to give out to begin with. It made her fight even harder to end the war to at least ensure his safety. The senate wouldn't listen to her pleas and it left her in a state of frustration so terrible that she barely had the energy or inclination to eat. Her nights were restless and she would often wake up after dreaming of Anakin.
Sometimes she wondered if he had done something to her. She knew he wouldn't go as far as manipulating her with his powers to get her to love him, but something felt different after their tryst. She didn't know if it was because it was his first time and that immediately made him special to her, because of the powerful feelings he was conveying to her throughout the act, or because she had such a special care for him. It was safe to say a mix of all three.
But it didn't matter. He was away and she was… waiting.
Anakin landed on the platform with ease, his head turning to the sky when his aircraft touched the solid steel. Obi Wan's fighter was descending and he followed the small ship with his eyes as it landed next to his. Anakin jumped to the platform, glad to be out of the reduced space of his fighter.
"We're home," he said cheerfully. Obi Wan jumped out and the two men walked out of the hangar.
"We will report to the council and then you can have the rest of the day off," he announced. Anakin was confused.
"Are you serious?"
"Yes. You've worked very hard the last few weeks. You deserve a break," the Master said, "but try not to get too drunk," he warned. Anakin chuckled.
"I'll do my best, Master," he replied. "Same goes for you," he added. Obi Wan smiled and tapped his shoulder.
"I'm afraid I can't make any promises," he teased in his rich accent. Anakin laughed and Obi Wan glanced at him.
He was proud of Anakin. He was the first to hesitate when the council suggested he should go on his first mission by himself, but the boy had proved to be very responsible and obedient. Their first mission together in the war had been a success. Anakin didn't question his authority anymore and cooperated in every aspect, sometimes without being asked. It seemed like puberty was finally over.
Obi Wan had to admit that Senator Amidala had probably been a good influence on the boy. While at first he had thought that Anakin would be confused by spending time with someone so tied to his childhood, he had proved to be very professional and serious about his assignment. And while his mother's death had been very painful, the Jedi Master was glad that his Padawan had been in Amidala's company through such an ordeal.
Anakin knew what he wanted to do with his time off. He wanted to see Padmé. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself. The last sixteen days without her had been miserable, and he spent his nights thinking about her and their time together. He wondered if she would be just as glad to see him, but then he remembered her saying that they would always be friends. He wanted to be more, but friendship would have to do.
Even if he had to sit on his hands in her presence.
"So, where are you going tonight, Master?" he asked, trying to think of something else.
"First I need to take a nap, I'm exhausted," Obi Wan admitted.
"You did log a lot of flying hours," Anakin said.
"Yes. Blast, I hate flying… It always serves to put me in a bad mood," the older Jedi lamented, making Anakin laugh. "Oh, well. Nothing a strong drink and a lovely woman can't fix," he smiled, tapping Anakin's back.
The young boy was stunned. Had his master just implied that…?
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Obi Wan asked, confused by his Padawan's bewildered expression.
"Uh, no reason," Anakin shrugged off. But his master wasn't buying.
"Why don't you join me for a drink after the briefing? Then you can go and do as you please," he suggested kindly.
"Alright," Anakin replied, not reading too much into the invitation.
It took him a while to process the information Obi Wan had supplied. He had always held his Master to the highest standards and it had never crossed his mind that he would indulge in such activities with women. Maybe he had idealized the Jedi too much…
His suspicions were confirmed when he met Obi Wan later that day. The bar he chose was seedy, but it was known for carrying the most exotic liquors found in remote worlds. Master and Padawan sat side by side at the bar, both already halfway through their first glass of a stiff whiskey from a planet they couldn't pronounce.
"I was very impressed with your performance during the mission. You were very focused," Obi Wan complimented. Anakin was a bit taken aback with the blunt praise. His master rarely spoke to him that way.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"Discipline is the most important thing in the life of a Jedi, and I think you know that," he paused and Anakin nodded. "But there are also times when we have to fulfill other needs…" he implied. At Anakin's confused look, he continued. "You do realize I'm talking about women, don't you?" he said more clearly.
"Yes, of course," Anakin rushed out. Yes, he knew he was talking about women. He hoped he wasn't, though.
"Women are extremely intoxicating. They can exercise a lot of power over a man," the master continued, sipping his drink.
"You think so?"
"I know so. You ended up going to Geonosis because the Senator suggested it," Obi Wan grinned.
"I was also worried about you," Anakin was quick to add.
"Yes, of course. But when a woman as beautiful as Senator Amidala tells you to do something it's very hard to say no. Not just you, any man."
Anakin tried to guess where he was taking the conversation because so far he didn't have a clue. Did he suspect about Padmé and him? And frankly, he wasn't crazy about Obi Wan discussing Padmé's looks.
"When it comes to women it's hard to stay disciplined. So every now and then you might feel the need to… succumb to their charms," Obi Wan continued, praying to the Force that Anakin was taking the hint. He really didn't want to go into details. At Anakin's blank stare, he continued, "Please tell me you understand what I'm saying."
"I think I do, I just never thought that…" Anakin drifted off, not knowing how to phrase his thoughts.
"You thought what?" Obi Wan nudged.
"Well, I suppose I never thought you'd… encourage me to…" he drifted again, knowing his master was filling the blanks for him.
"I wouldn't say I'm encouraging you, I'm just saying that it's perfectly normal for you to feel desire for a woman. I'm actually surprised you've never wanted to talk to me about this before," the master observed.
"I guess I didn't want to disappoint you," Anakin said earnestly.
"Why would that disappoint me?"
"Because attachments are forbidden," the Padawan reminded.
"Attachment and desire are two very different things, Anakin. If you ever feel the need to be with someone – which I'm sure you have – then it's all right to act on it. Just make sure you don't cross the line. It's better if you seek out women who serve that purpose."
"You mean whores?" Anakin said bluntly.
"Yes. Do what you have to do and move along," Obi Wan counseled.
"Have you only been with whores?" Anakin asked, feeling more relaxed as the alcohol entered his system. Obi Wan arched a brow.
"Not that it's any of your business, but no," he replied, causing Anakin to laugh. "Being a Jedi is very attractive to women. I don't know what it is they see in us, but many of them will offer themselves to you in a silver platter."
Anakin smiled inwardly at his words, as they weren't far off of what had happened between him and Padmé.
"So, are we done with the sex talk? Can I go now?" Anakin said good-naturedly. Obi Wan tapped his back.
"We're good."
Anakin paid for his drink and left the bar with new ideas on his mind. Maybe he didn't have to resist Padmé after all.
Dormé carried the tray of food into the office and stood next to Padmé, waiting for the focused senator to notice her.
"Milady?" she finally had to say. "I brought you some food."
Padmé looked at the tray, then at her friend.
"Just leave it here. Thank you, Dormé."
"If I leave it here, will you eat it?" she insisted. Padmé sighed and turned to her handmaiden. "I worry about you. You haven't eaten much lately."
"Who's the boss here?" she teased.
"You are, but I'm trying to be your friend, too," Dormé tried to persuade. Padmé sighed again and reached for a vegetable, then took a bite.
"Happy now?"
Dormé nodded and set the tray on the desk. She was heading to the door when she stopped on her tracks, a surprised smile on her face.
"Oh. Hello, Anakin," she greeted.
Padmé's eyes shot to the door. He was there, he was really standing there in her office. He looked as handsome as ever and his smile made her toes curl in her shoes. His eyes were on hers, but he turned them to Dormé.
"Hi, Dormé. I heard you did a pretty good job," he said.
"Oh, thanks…" she replied shyly. Anakin nodded, then looked at Padmé.
"Is this a bad time?" he asked. Dormé and Padmé looked at each other.
"No, come on in," Padmé invited, leaving her chair and walking around her desk. Dormé gave her a sneaky smile and left them alone, closing the door behind her.
They looked at each other from across the office. Her heart was about to burst in her chest she was so happy. She wanted nothing more than to throw herself at him and kiss him and damn everything else.
"Hi," he said finally.
"Hi," she replied, barely finding her voice. "When… when did you get back?"
"A few hours ago," he answered, running his hand through his hair. Padmé followed the path of his hand and wished she could've done it herself. "How are you?"
"Same as always," she shrugged.
"Really?"
"Pretty much," she nodded.
There was a long silence but it was so adorable that he didn't feel embarrassed. "Is it okay if I hug you?" he finally asked. Padmé smiled and felt the ice breaking.
"Of course you can hug me."
Anakin smiled widely and took a few strides toward her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and felt his heart singing when hers automatically came around his neck, holding on to him tightly. He breathed in the scent of her neck and squeezed her, wanting to feel her warmth.
As much as Anakin wanted to hold her for the rest of the day, he knew he couldn't. He gently pulled back, his hands holding her waist, and smiled at her.
"For how long are you in Coruscant?" Padmé asked.
"I'm not sure. A few days, at least. Obi Wan gave me the day off, that's why I came to see you," he explained
"Well, you can come to my apartment for dinner tonight. If you don't have any other plans," she offered without even thinking about it. He gave her a soft smile.
"I don't have other plans," he whispered. Padmé felt a shiver run down her spine and looked down for a second.
"What would you like to eat?" she asked, quick to give him something else to think about. Food was always a good choice with him.
"Hmm… what are my options?" he asked, narrowing his eyes playfully. Padmé laughed and gently pushed him away.
"I think I'll surprise you."
"Sounds good. See you tonight, then?" he beamed. Padmé nodded, trying not to seem too eager. "Great," he raised her hand to his lips for a quick kiss. Padmé gently pulled her hand back and went to her chair.
"I have to finish this," she said. Anakin nodded and left her, closing the door behind him. Only then did Padmé release the breath she'd been holding.
Padmé hadn't felt this irritated in a long time. To make matters worse, she had only herself to blame. She'd been standing in front of her wardrobe for almost an hour and she still couldn't decide on a dress to wear.
She had asked her staff to retire for the evening and ordered food to be delivered. It waited on the table, still hot, and she couldn't accomplish something as simple as picking a dress.
Since nothing seemed appropriate and she wasn't exactly sure of the message she wanted to send, she went for a lavender evening gown. It was long and it hugged her body in all the right places, but it wasn't deliberately provocative. She stepped into it, carefully pulling the soft straps up her shoulders. She faced the mirror and bent forward, adjusting her cleavage. She couldn't help but laugh a little bit at how silly she must've looked doing that.
She chose to wear her hair loose, tying one strand from each side behind her head. Nothing too elaborate. After all, it was just dinner. She had already chosen high-heeled sandals for footwear, so her look for the night was complete. It was elegant but not too formal. Perfect.
She looked over her shoulder with a start when she heard a ship docking on her terrace. Her heart fluttered in her ribcage and she took a deep breath to calm herself down. She couldn't behave like a lovesick teenager, not tonight. Anakin was to be her friend and nothing more. She had to be the strong one.
Squaring her shoulders, she set out to greet him.