Apologies for the extremely long absence. my life has been... well shit in the last year but i have sat down and got something out. not beta'd or anything so any mistakes or anything let me know. I am on tumblr with the same name if you ever want to come and say hi.

This chapter does mention Finn & Lexa

Clarke walks into her apartment to find Raven sprawled out on the couch watching tv. She throws her coat on the back of a chair and sits down next to Raven jostling her on her and snuggling into her side. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Raven brakes the silence.

"So what's wrong? I was not expecting you home tonight"

Clarke sighs and buries further into Ravens side "Am I making a mistake?"

Raven shift dislodging Clarke from her side to look at her "Making a mistake about what?"

"Am I moving too fast with Bellamy?"

Raven looks at her studying Clarke carefully considering her answer carefully "is the about Finn?"

Clarke looks down and pulls on the material of her top attempting to distract herself from the conversation she knows she needs to have "Not just Finn"

When Raven does not respond Clarke takes that as her cue to keep talking "When I met Finn I just threw myself into that relationship so quickly that it just broke me. He was my first boyfriend, you know and to have just been used in that way completely broke me"

Clarke looks up to meet Ravens gaze "I know it was worse for you but after it happened I just had to get away for awhile. My mum offered me a 3 month trip to Europe as an attempt to try and sway me into continuing pre-med as oppose to spending so much time working on my art. I decided it would be a good opportunity to just get away and work out what I wanted"

Clarke looks towards the tv. She has never told anyone what happened in Europe most people don't even know she has left the country.

"When I arrived in Paris I met Lexa. She was so strong and sure of herself, she was like a whirlwind I got caught up in we started travelling around together she had a ton of friends and seemed to hold court wherever we went. It was so easy to fall into her world"

"Because you were running" Raven Interrupts her "She offered you an escape"

Clarke nods, looking down at her hands again before meeting Ravens eye line "For once I did not have to make any decisions I did not have my mother or Finn hanging over my shoulder, She talked with me about art about pre-med about everything and after a few weeks she became more"

"Then what happened" Raven prompts

"My 3 months were coming to an end and I still had not made a decision about what I was going to do. I was leaning towards pre-med as Lexa had convinced me that was the best path to take while still doing my art as a hobby. She was American on holidays also, I knew her visa was expiring so I was looking forward to heading back together, I knew that I would be able to handle it if we were there together. I guess I wanted a partner someone on my team"

Raven nods "I understand that feeling"

"One day, a few days before I was to head back I overheard Lexa on the phone. It seemed as though she was booking or confirming flight information. I confronted her about it when she go off the phone where she informed me she was leaving the next day for England where she had landed a position studying politics at Oxford. She had spoken to my mother and she had enrolled me in pre-med and I was to take a flight home in the next couple of days"

"I was shocked into silence, not only was she just leaving the next day but she had been secretly conspiring with my mother to talk me into doing what she wanted, not really letting me work anything out at all. I had just been letting this woman call all the shots for my life, because it got tough and I ran away I willing let this person run my life, call all the shot for months not realising that I had become so dependant on her that I forgot that I could make decisions for myself. I am my own person. I broke up with her that night, though we would have anyway with her going to a different country. Came home, changed my enrolment to arts and cut ties with my mum"

Clarke leans her head against the back of the couch exhausted after the emotional upheaval of telling her story

"Now I am scared that this is going to happen all again with Bellamy it is all happening so fast"

Raven nods at her sweeping her hair over her shoulder "Bellamy is not Finn though or Lexa. He is not using you to cheat on someone, and is he telling you what to do with your life?"

Clarke shakes her head

"And I mean I don't see a difference in you since you started dating, apart from being happy. How do you feel"

Clarke diverts her gaze "I think he is amazing, like my other half he supports me and encourages me but still will tell me when he thinks I am wrong. He has welcomed me into his family and makes room for me and my opinions and always has my back"

"so you love him" Raven states. Clarke spooks like a deer in the headlights

"it is too early for that"

"Who says there needs to be a time frame? If you know you know and I think you know"

Clarke fidgets in her seat as if trying to psychically get away from the conversation without actually moving. Raven grabs her arm which causes Clarke to look back to her

"It is ok to fall in love Clarke. And you don't need to tell him if you are not ready but don't be scared by it and run away. Be strong you have a great guy there that would do anything for you he will wait"

Clarke nods with a small watery smile "Thanks Raven, I am going to call it a night"

She stands up heading towards her bedroom and raven calls out to her "Clarke, talk to Bellamy about this, it will make you feel better"

Clarke nods and closes the door resting her head against it. She just might love that stubborn man of hers.