A/N: Happy Friday, my darlings.

Carlisle let Esme take him out provided that Emmett and Bella stayed with Edward. He knew he needed to get his act together. He didn't want to leave his husband, but his best friend convinced him they both needed someone else to vent to.

She drove, and he watched the world outside go by. They passed a park, and Carlisle shuddered. He closed his eyes, trying not to remember the last time they'd been there. The park was close enough to walk-only a few blocks-and they'd walked with Edward and Carlisle each holding Riley's hand with baby Bree strapped to Edward's chest. Carlisle could still feel the weight of Riley as he jumped up, suspending himself between them. Giggling gleefully.

He missed his son. He missed his daughter.

Sucking in a deep breath, Carlisle scrambled for his phone.

"What are you doing?" Esme asked, glancing over from her position in the driver's seat.

"I'm texting Edward to see if he's okay."

"Honey, we haven't even been gone five minutes."

"I know, but maybe he didn't want me to leave. Or maybe he's changed his mind."

Esme reached over and patted his knee. "He's fine. I'm only stealing you for an hour, okay?"

Carlisle slumped, his hand over his eyes. He felt so out of sorts. As if he had no idea how the world worked anymore. "Right. Of course. It'll be fine."

Fifteen minutes later, they were seated across from each other at a quiet diner. Carlisle had ordered a cup of coffee, but so far he had only stared at the blackness. It was cupped between his hands, the heat almost too uncomfortable to bear but not quite.

WIthout a word, Esme took the coffee from his hands. She added one cream and two sugars and pushed it back to him. He was distracted by the swell of the cream turning dark liquid to light. He sighed. "I was so out of it, Esme. I almost didn't stop him." His breath stuttered. "It was like waking up. I saw him, and I knew what he was doing. What he wanted." He shook his head. "I almost missed it. I was just standing there watching him for the longest time, staring. I almost just let it happen, because I couldn't blame him. How could I blame him for that? I almost missed it."

"Carlisle. You're babbling," Esme said, her words gentle.

He tightened his hands around his coffee cup and pressed his lips together. "It's just that I should have seen it coming. Edward has always struggled with his feelings, and this is so much. This is too much to feel." He rubbed at his chest, but there was nothing that could soothe this ache. "I know him. He wants to turn it off. There's still a part of him that thinks he should be able to. He's fighting it now, but I'm worried."

Carlisle swallowed hard, staring at nothing. "We're going to go back to work, and maybe that'll help, you know? It might be a distraction. Maybe it won't be enough of a distraction. Or maybe it will be too much stress. He's fighting this need to turn off his emotions, but you can only fight for so long before you get too tired."

"Carlisle?"

He blinked and raised his head to look at her.

"All of those things are true of you too, you know."

It was an obvious statement, but he wasn't sure what her point was. "What?" he asked.

She pressed her hands over his around the coffee cup. "You know how much I love you. I've never met anyone so compassionate and giving. You're so good at taking care of everyone's needs. Your husband, your patients, me. So I'm going to ask you to do something for me."

"What do you need?" he asked, still lost about where she was going with all this.

"I need you to remember that this happened to you, too. Yes, of course. Look after your husband. Be there for him, but please promise me you won't forget about you."

Carlisle opened his mouth to say he was fine-he hadn't been the one desperate for pills-but the words twisted before he could get them out. He closed his mouth and looked down again, a thick wave of emotion making his eyes sting. "I don't know how to deal with this. I have no context for this. I can't cope with the fact there's nothing I can do. That a man like the director could make a decision like that, and there's nothing. I drove them there. I drove us all there, and it never occurred to me I'd be driving away without my kids. I didn't realize I could lose them in a heartbeat like that."

He balled his hands in fists. "And if that's not enough to drive me insane, there's this… hate." His jaw clenched, and he had to work hard to swallow around the lump in his throat. "I've never had hate in my heart, but oh god, I hate his parents, Esme. If ever I was to do something violent…"

Esme's hands over his were the only things that kept him grounded. It was a struggle, but he managed to regulate his breathing after a minute. "I don't know what to do with any of that. There's nothing I can do." Another shaky breath. "But I can take care of Edward. I can do that. I'm good at that, I think."

She squeezed his hands before she pulled back. "You're very good at it. I'm just asking you to remember that it's okay to need things from him too."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

~0~

Edward rubbed his temples. It was situations like this that really highlighted who his true friends were. Emmett's attention had been surprising. Not because he wasn't a good guy. He was a great guy, but he tended to shy away from the serious things.

When he mentioned it, Edward was doubly surprised when the man's expression turned straight out somber. "Hits kind of close to home," he said, leaning his head against the back of the couch. "Rose and I found out recently she probably can't carry a pregnancy to term."

"Oh." Edward squeezed his friend's shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I mean, it's not, but we're working through it. The thing is, we've been looking at all our other options, you know? It's… this is kind of the worst fear, right?"

Edward huffed, letting his hands fall down to his lap. "I wouldn't worry too much, Emmett. Mostly, these things work out."

Emmett, after all, wasn't a deviant like he was, Edward thought bitterly. His friend wasn't aware of the particulars of what had happened. He knew that Edward's parents had alleged abuse, and had accepted that it was Ed's connections as a lawyer that had been the biggest deciding factor-why would the agency's director want to deal with a headache if he didn't have to? While Edward wanted to believe Emmett would understand if he were to tell him the whole truth, there was no part of him that wanted to test that theory.

No, Edward was more paranoid than ever about that part of his life. He hadn't really thought about it before. He didn't flaunt it, of course. He was careful, when he was in the locker room at work, to keep any marks hidden. Now, though, he had to wonder what else he could possibly lose if people who were supposed to love him knew his secret.

Luckily, Bella came back into the room then, distracting him from that line of thought. She sat beside him and began to rub his neck. He sighed, trying to find some measure of comfort in her gentle touch.

"You know, this situation is as fucked up as it gets, but it's like icing on the shit cake that anyone could think that of Carlisle of all people," Emmett said. "I mean, have they spent time around the guy at all? We had a man once-Carlisle had to tell him his wife passed away on his table, and the man lost it. He started pushing Carlisle around, shoving him, kind of smacking at him. We got the guy off him, but Carlisle never raised a hand. I asked him why, and he said the man was already in enough pain. Doesn't that just beat all? He wouldn't even defend himself against a belligerent man, and they want to believe he hit you? I mean, I get that people are different at home. What happens behind closed doors and all that-"

"He's no different at home," Edward said, his words harsh. He turned on his friends, fury roaring in his ears. "Don't you dare even begin to think-"

Emmett held his hands up. "I said I can't believe it. I never would."

Reading the sincerity in his friend's face, Edward slumped. "Sorry. I just...It bugs me. I know what it sounds like second hand. My parents accused my husband of abuse, and our kids are gone." The words were difficult to say. He had to pause and swallow around the pain of them. "You have to wonder."

Emmett shook his head vehemently. "No. I don't wonder. He's a good man, and neither of you deserve this. It was shitty, fucked up circumstance. That's all."

Edward took a shaky breath, his elbows on his knees as he tried again to wrap his head around everything that had happened. "I can't stand that anyone would think of him that way."

"I think that's what Emmett was trying to say," Bella said, rubbing his back now. "Abusers are good at fooling people, but Carlisle? No. It's unthinkable."

Edward leaned against her. "I'm worried about him. I think he internalizes a lot of bad things about himself."

Carlisle's father blamed him for his mother's death. To an extent, Carlisle blamed himself. He'd dealt with his issues of self-worth long before Edward met him, but scars only faded, never disappeared. It was there in the way Carlisle had been so worried that he would do something wrong early in their relationship. It was there in the extremes of the guilt he felt when Edward was accidentally injured during a scene.

Edward knew Carlisle had been a submissive when he first entered the scene. He'd wondered more than once if Carlisle had made the switch to Dom because some part of him thought he didn't deserve that kind of attention and care. As Carlisle's submissive, Edward couldn't imagine another human being had ever felt so treasured. His husband was aware of his every need, concentrated on his comfort and fulfillment.

That was how Carlisle derived pleasure and contentment with himself-caring, not being cared for.

Bella scratched her fingers through his hair. "Just remember you're partners. It's going to be hard sometimes, because you're dealing with this huge thing yourself. Remember to tell him often how much you love him and why. Make sure he feels loved." She looked him in the eyes. "Take care of him."

Edward's lips quirked. Trust Bella to guess his line of thought. He hugged her. "I will."

~0~

When their friends left, Edward was struck for the millionth time by the silence. He hated silence now. He wondered if Carlisle would object to leaving the TV on just to have noise in the room. They were an environmentally conscious couple, and didn't leave anything electronic on when it wasn't being used, but maybe they could make an exception for a little while. Just until it got easier to breathe with glass shards lining his lungs.

When he turned to bring it up, he was startled to find his husband's features bathed in darkness. He swallowed a groan, realizing it had happened again. He'd lost time. The early evening light had still been bright enough to light the room when their friends left. They'd been sitting there in silence for at least half an hour, probably closer to an hour.

Edward took another minute to watch his husband breathe. He tried not to dwell on the sadness in his eyes, but simply studied him.

He was beautiful, this man, inside and out. Even looking disheveled and worn, even stooped with grief, he was beautiful. Looking at him, Edward wrapped himself around the deep, passionate love he felt for his husband and determined to push everything else aside, if only for a few minutes.

Edward stood and went to stand in front of Carlisle. His husband looked up, blinking, startled. Edward put his hands on his shoulders to steady himself and straddled Carlisle.

"Baby. What-" But anything else Carlisle might have said was cut off when Edward kissed him. It was a gentle kiss, tender, and despite his position, Edward had no intention of making this about sex. No, neither of them had the heart for that just yet. Not yet.

But there were many other ways than sex to express what he felt. He took Carlisle's face in his hands. He could see his husband was still confused and maybe a little bit worried-likely he didn't want Edward to push for sex because he didn't want to have to reject him. Tilting his head, Edward brushed the tip of their noses together. He inhaled deeply, breathing in his warm, clean scent.

Edward let his thumbs trace the outline of Carlisle's neck and settle in the divots of his shoulders. He pressed and kneaded lightly even as he drew his nose along Carlisle's cheek.

Carlisle exhaled with a shiver, and his eyes closed. Edward pressed a soft kiss to each of them. He continued in this vein, alternately kissing and nuzzling Carlisle's face. After another minute, Edward felt Carlisle's hands slip beneath his shirt. He splayed his palms wide and warm against his back, just feeling.

In another minute, Carlisle tightened his hold. He lay back, bringing Edward with him so they were horizontal on the couch. His hands began to explore Edward's back, his touch just as slow and soft as Edward's nuzzles and kisses were.

These last few days, Edward had thought often that he would never feel good again. Surely the pain of losing his children would overshadow everything else forever.

It didn't, though. The pain was still there. His chest still ached as though someone had mistaken his lungs and heart for a stress ball and was attempting to squeeze the life out of him. If he let himself think for a fraction of a second, he would still feel the maddening rage that often threatened to consume him. But his love and adoration for his husband glowed brighter than all of that. Bright enough to hold his attention.

Edward raised his head from Carlisle's neck and kissed him. It was a chaste kiss, but a serious one. He lingered, his mouth moving with his husband's, unhurried. Carlisle sighed into his mouth, more of the tension going out of him. He wrapped his arms around Edward, holding him tightly.

Edward had every intention of following Bella's advice. He would tell Carlisle how much he loved him and why, all the million and one reasons why. He would take care of his husband.

For now, though, it was enough to show him. Show him he was loved, adored, and cherished, the way he always made Edward feel.

A/N: Forward motion. Yes? Maybe?

Many thanks to my girls: Jessypt, MoH, Mina, Packy, Barburella, and Songster.

And thanks to you guys. How are you doing?