A/N: *holds your hand*
Edward was awake. He had been for minutes. He was also acutely aware that Carlisle had been awake at least as long as he had. They were nervous, or at least Edward assumed that his husband was on the same page and for the same reason. He assumed that was why they had both gone to bed at eleven, so they would be asleep well before the stroke of midnight.
It was Edward's thirtieth birthday-the sixth birthday he'd spent with Carlisle. The first five had been fairly blissful. Even that first year-the year he'd lost a patient and hadn't reacted well-had begun and ended happily. They'd always managed to be together at midnight, and Edward got his birthday spanking with the Baby Boy paddle Carlisle had had made for him.
That was the center of their struggle. It had been six weeks since they'd lost their children. Coping hadn't been easy. Sex had fallen by the wayside. It was hard to get in the mood when they spent every day merely trying to survive crippling grief. They were trying to reorient their world, trying to find a way to accept what had happened to them. It was an exhausting process.
Still, if it was only about the sex, Edward didn't think he'd be so nervous. He sighed and rolled onto his side, facing away from Carlisle. He was angry and frustrated and so tired of both of those emotions. There was nothing to like about this situation, but it was the unnecessary kick when he was already down that this whole thing had stolen his easy intimacy with his husband.
Beside him, Carlisle shifted. Edward held his breath. He was relieved when he felt Carlisle's lips against his neck and felt his arm at his waist. At the same time, his stomach churned with nerves.
"I'm sorry, baby boy," Carlisle said, raining slow kisses along Edward's back. "I got wrapped up in my own thoughts. I didn't mean to ignore you."
Edward rolled onto his back again and found himself looking up at Carlisle in the early morning light. His husband's smile was small but adoring. He stroked his fingertips down Edward's cheeks with the lightest of caresses. "You're so beautiful," he whispered before he leaned down to kiss him.
It was a sweet kiss, one of adulation-pure worship. Edward sighed, this time with contentment, and basked in his husband's love. Neither of them tried to deepen the kiss. Their touches were light and well above the waist.
Edward's hand was splayed over Carlisle's heart, so he felt when his heartbeat quickened. Carlisle broke their kiss, leaning his head against Edward's. His eyes were closed, and he gulped audibly. "Do you…. Do you want…"
"No," Edward said, too quickly.
No, his nerves had almost nothing to do with sex and everything to do with the birthday spanking he usually relished. As much as he knew he had nothing to be ashamed of, his psyche was well aware his kink had indirectly cost him his children. He would never be able to slip into subspace while that wound was so raw. Edward realized belatedly that was why he hadn't tried to initiate sex. He hadn't lost his desire or his need to express what he felt for his husband physically, but their sex life was tied to who they were as a Dom and sub.
Edward clung to Carlisle and closed his eyes. "I'm not ready for that yet," he said in a shaky voice.
Carlisle exhaled in a long gust. He leaned down, resting his weight on Edward, cuddling him close. "I… That's good. I think. I mean it's good because I think we're on the same page with that."
Again, Edward was relieved. He traced the line of Carlisle's neck with the tip of his nose. With that weighty issue tabled, he had room in his overburdened head to think about other things. Better things. Things like how his husband might have been in his mid-forties, but damn if he wasn't the hottest person Edward had ever seen.
And Edward loved him more than he knew how to say. He kissed Carlisle-slow, sensual kisses. Initiating, instigating, wanting more. Carlisle froze a moment. Doubtless he'd realized where he was being led. Despite their familiarity with each other, their deep and true love, it was just a little bit scary. Loss had changed them in ways they hadn't fully figured out yet. It wasn't that they were strangers. It was just that they had never been intimate in this way, wearing their new, damaged souls.
Edward coaxed with gentle kisses. He kept his hand on Carlisle's upper back, because he wasn't going to push. This had to be something they were both comfortable with.
It was only a few heartbeats before Carlisle kissed him back. The pressure was tentative at first, but then he let more of his weight rest on Edward, moved so their bodies were lined up. Edward bucked his hips, rubbing as his hand drifted down to run light circles over Carlisle's ass. Yes, he wanted this. He was happy to find out he was still capable of this. It would be good to be able to wrap himself in this, feel the other man move in him, with him.
Carlisle moaned, and broke their kiss, turning his head away. Edward blinked, confused because Carlisle had stopped. He was still, his body rigid. They were both panting. It took Edward a few confused moments to realize Carlisle's moan hadn't been one of pleasure.
"What happened? Are you okay?" Edward cupped the back of Carlisle's neck, stroking his thumb along the bristly hairs there. "Carlisle?"
His husband let out a long breath and raised his head slowly. "I'm fine, baby boy. I just needed a second."
Before Edward could think to question him further, Carlisle caught his lips in a kiss again. Edward made a little noise of surprise at the charge that went up his spine. It was a fervent kiss, and Edward was only too willing to slide back into the warm bubble-space that was only theirs.
Carlisle began to kiss down his body. He scraped his teeth along Edward's neck and tugged his shirt up to lick at his nipples. Edward reached back, grabbing firm hold of one of the bars of the headboard to keep him steady as he threaded the fingers of his other hand through Carlisle's hair. He gasped, writhing when Carlisle's questing lips brushed over the sensitive skin around his belly button-half tickle, half sexy licking.
"Oh, god," Edward said around a moan.
He was hard, his cock already peeking out of his loose boxers. Carlisle kissed his tip, a sweet gesture, before he took his cock in his mouth.
Edward had to work hard at keeping from fucking into his husband's mouth. He tried to relax-they had time-but he was so worked up. It had been too long, and he had missed this too much. And Jesus Christ, Carlisle had always known how to play his body.
It was only a few minutes before he had to tug at Carlisle's hair. "Babe, ah, fuck. Oh, yeah. Carlisle, I...I'm...Babe! I-" Edward's words caught in his throat as a powerful orgasm took him. He arched up with a strangled cry. His body shuddered with each pulse. His mind went blissfully blank.
He had to blink sporadically to clear the stars from his eyes. It took another few moments to understand why he was so confused.
Right. He hadn't really expected that. He'd come too quickly, and now sex would have to wait.
With a groan, he rolled over onto his side. "Sorry," he said, somewhat sheepish.
Carlisle stroked his sweat-dampened hair away from his face. "For what? I love seeing you like that." He kissed Edward, sharing his taste, but it was a brief kiss. He pulled away too quickly. "Now, what do you want for breakfast?"
It took Edward another few moments to catch on to the fact sex was over. He flushed, feeling foolish. "Oh, um. Bacon and eggs would be good. Do we have kiwi?"
"I'll check." Carlisle leaned in, kissed the tip of his nose, and without another word was out of bed, leaving Edward staring after him.
Maybe they weren't on the same page after all. The thought disturbed Edward beyond measure, but he tried to tamp that down. He was overreacting, plain and simple.
He'd never told Carlisle what he wanted. True, he'd never had to in the past. They enjoyed a varied sex life. Out of scene, blow jobs were typically foreplay. The end game was almost always sex, unless they were short on time, which they weren't today.
Edward huffed and flopped backward on the bed, irritated with himself. "What did you expect?" he muttered, running a hand through his hair. After everything they'd been through, what he should have done was talk it out. That was what Carlisle would have done. His husband would have made sure he knew Edward's limits and comfort level before he even touched him.
By the time Carlisle came back with breakfast, Edward was in a mood. "Don't do that shit again," he said, his voice tight before Carlisle had even taken two steps into the room.
Carlisle looked up, his expression bewildered. He paused mid-step. "Okay," he said calmly. "What shit are we referring to?"
Sitting up in bed, Edward crossed his arms. "If you didn't want sex, you should have told me. I should have asked. I get that, but you also should have told me. You think I want you to get me off like it's just some job to you?"
Carlisle blinked. He set the tray on the dresser, and Edward got to feel horrible about that too.
"Fuck," Edward said, running a hand over his eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that either. Look, thank you for breakfast. I know you're trying to be nice. I just-"
By that time, Carlisle had crossed the room. He sat on Edward's side of the bed and put his hand over Edward's mouth. "Hush," he said. The gesture and the word weren't malicious in the slightest. It was a familiar action between them. Edward had a tendency to work himself up, and sometimes, he needed to be distracted.
Not today, though. He didn't want to be silenced, even playfully. He shook loose of Carlisle's hold. "Don't brush this off. Do you know how shitty it feels to think you're doing something just to get me off your back? Did you finish me off just so you could buy a little peace? I don't want you to even touch me if that's not something you want to do."
Carlisle sighed and cupped Edward's cheek. "I always want to touch you, my love." He let his fingers trail along Edward's jaw line, over his lips. "It's never been a chore. Not now. Not ever."
The look in Carlisle's eyes grew more troubled. He dropped his hands to his lap and looked down. "I'm sorry. You're right. I knew what you wanted, and it wasn't that I didn't want it." He let out a shaky breath. "I very much did. I just… I guess I panicked."
Edward furrowed his brow and sat up straighter, closer to him. "Panicked about what?"
"I don't know, really." He shook his head. "It wasn't about doing something I didn't want to do. I love touching you. I love watching you, and I love making you happy. I'm sorry I didn't talk to you when I started feeling… weird."
Edward studied his husband for a long moment. It felt like he was missing something, but then again, what else was new? For weeks now, nothing had felt right. He'd wondered more than once if he would ever feel comfortable, whole, again.
So something was off between him and Carlisle. That was par for the course, and Edward supposed it would get better. He shivered and reached for the other man, needing him close. They both moved until they were cuddled together, cheek to cheek. He breathed a little easier.
He hated this-when they discovered a brand new facet of just how broken they were. He took some comfort in the fact they were working through their broken pieces together, but it left him exhausted and painfully insecure.
"How about breakfast, hmm?" Carlisle said, turning his head to nuzzle Edward's cheek. "We still have a little time before your shift."
Edward wasn't really hungry. Both of their appetites had been fickle at best these last few weeks. They were playing this game with each other where Carlisle ate to keep Edward from worrying, and Edward did the same. He supposed it kept them both from starving to death. "Breakfast sounds good," he said.
~0~
Thirty was a big birthday.
Carlisle loved spoiling his boy on his birthday. He'd done his best to make the day special since they'd been together. Months ago, in a different life, Carlisle had thought of taking Edward somewhere. Their first family vacation. Maybe a California vacation. They could drive down the coast, spend a day in Yosemite and end up in Disneyland. He'd love to see his little boy brat in Mickey ears, and Riley would love it.
Would have loved it.
Since then, it had taken all their mental energy to put one foot in front of another. A trip would have been macabre at this point. Carlisle had managed to put together a small party at home with all of their favorite people. It wasn't bad. It was even nice in a lot of ways.
Currently, Edward was at the table, distracted by a raucous game of Cards Against Humanity with his friends. He seemed to be having a good enough time, laughing and enjoying the company.
Carlisle had had to take a phone call about one of his patients and hadn't tried to come back to the game when he was done. Instead, he'd retreated to the kitchen where he could see the party, but he wasn't part of it.
Esme found him there, drinking in the dark. "What are you doing?"
"I needed a minute."
She came to stand beside him, and Carlisle wrapped his arms around her waist, resting his head against her belly. She scratched his hair. "Do you want to talk about it?" she asked.
Carlisle closed his eyes and let out a deep breath. He really didn't, but it was probably better to try to work through some of the thoughts in his head with her rather than Edward today of all days. "I had the perfect birthday this year, did you know that?"
Esme said nothing. She continued to scratch her fingers gently along his scalp, and after a moment, Carlisle continued. "At midnight I was making love to my husband, and when we woke up in the morning, Edward brought me the baby to cuddle. Then he and Riley made me breakfast in bed." Despite the ache in his heart, Carlisle smiled at the memory. "Riley carried the orange juice all by himself. He looked so proud when he didn't spill a single drop."
His bed had been full of wiggling bodies. Full and happy. That had only been the beginning of perhaps the best birthday of his life.
Carlisle finished the drink in his glass and poured himself another. He took a long pull and set it down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. "You know I'd give Edward anything. Anything he wants. He should have what I had-kisses and love from our kids." He huffed, heartbroken and bitter. "We can't even find out if they're okay, you know? I couldn't even give him that if I wanted to-to know that someone is teaching Bree more words. To know that Riley is happy, that his…" Carlisle swallowed hard. "That his parents are being patient with him, and his trust hasn't been completely broken. I can't even give him that."
There were other things he couldn't seem to give his husband. Things that he wasn't ready to think about, because the repercussions could cost him everything he had left. Carlisle shuddered and drank.
With another long drink, his glass was empty. He reached for the bottle to refill it, but Esme's firm hand around his wrist stopped him. She pried the glass out of his hand and put both of them out of his reach. "You're drunk, aren't you?" she asked.
Carlisle opened his mouth to deny it, but then he realized he was swaying in place. He glanced at the bottle of whiskey and was shocked to see it was a great deal less full than it had been when he came in the kitchen. It wasn't as though he'd abstained at dinner either. He knew his limits. The alcohol was going to catch up with him sooner than later. He ran a hand over his eyes. "Fuck," he said, but then he couldn't help laughing.
"What's funny?" Esme asked. She sounded sad.
"I keep thinking I can't possibly be a more worthless husband." He rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms. "And I keep proving myself wrong."
"Carlisle." Esme sighed. "I don't know if there's a point in telling you this right now, but I'm going to do it anyway. I told you not to forget to take care of yourself. I know you don't want Edward to hurt, but he doesn't want you to hurt either. You're both hurting. You deserve to acknowledge that."
"On his birthday?" Carlisle demanded, and he laughed again, roiling in self-loathing.
"Oh, honey." She rubbed his shoulder. "This stuff doesn't happen when it's most convenient to us. You told me that once upon a time. Remember?"
She sighed again and shook her head. "Nevermind. Stay here. I'm going to enlist Garrett to walk with you. Maybe if you can get in bed, you can sleep through the worst of it. "
"But Edward-"
"We'll take care of Edward, and I know how to be a good host. Don't worry."
He worried anyway, but the alcohol was quickly getting the better of him. As Esme promised, she peeled Garrett away from the party long enough to help him up the stairs.
"I'm sorry," Carlisle said when Esme brought him water.
She scoffed. "Sometimes I think you forget you were the one to peel me off the floor after Charles, but I haven't forgotten." She ran soothing hand through his hair. "I really hoped I'd never have to return the favor, but either way. Don't apologize to me. Not ever."
She stroked his hair, and Carlisle's eyes began to droop.
"Edward is going to be mad," he mumbled.
"Disappointed, I think." Esme was always honest. "But he'll understand. I promise." She kissed his forehead. "Go to sleep. You can try again tomorrow. Now close your eyes."
Exhaling in a gust, Carlisle obeyed.
A/N: You know what I love about songster? (A lot) She doesn't even like angst, and she reads all my stuff. *hugs* Thanks to songster, barburella, jessypt, Packy, MoH for all their insights.
How are you guys?