A/N: Hello, my ducks.

Carlisle woke up still exhausted. He should have been used to it by now, he supposed. Any kind of heaviness of the heart was a constant drain. Last night, he'd found a new worry, a new fear, and once again, a part of him wished he could just sleep until all of this was over. Sleep through the pain and uncertainty and wake up when he was on solid ground again.

With a sigh, Carlisle opened his eyes. A tender, warm emotion filled him at the sight. Edward lay next to him, his sleeping face handsome and peaceful. His arm was draped loosely at Carlisle's waist, and the other hand was tucked underneath his cheek.

The mere thought of losing him…

Carlisle rolled away from his husband and out of bed. He needed to put some distance between them, or he would end up clutching Edward to him. Maybe that would be fine, except then he'd have to deal with things he wasn't ready to deal with yet.

He stumbled toward the bathroom, trying to shake the disconcerting desperation that was doing nothing to help his muddled thoughts. Would his world ever be steady again, or was this the new norm-constantly being rocked by one disaster after the next?

Carlisle got in the shower and turned the spray on. The water that hit him was ice cold. He had to bite his lip to keep from crying out. It had the effect of a slap, bringing him back on more coherent ground. He stood beneath the stream, shivering until the water warmed.

Only a couple of minutes passed as he let the heat and steam soothe him. He closed his eyes, leaning with his palms and forehead against the tile.

The snap of the shower door opening startled him. Carlisle froze and steeled himself. Despite his effort, he still shuddered when Edward wrapped his arms around his waist from behind. Nerves made his heartbeat speed, and his throat went dry.

"I'm not trying to start anything," Edward said. He leaned his forehead against Carlisle's shoulder. His next words were muffled. "I just don't want to be separated from you right now."

Some of the tension drained from Carlisle's body only to be replaced by guilt. He knew damn well he'd scared Edward the night before. But he couldn't take his panicked words back, and he couldn't ignore the problem anymore. He gave in to his neediness, leaning back against Edward's chest and putting his hands over his at his waist. A shudder that had nothing to do with nerves and everything to do with dread went through him.

This was exactly why he'd pushed his problem away for so long. No part of him wanted to have to deal with what was going to happen after they talked. He couldn't cope with the idea he could lose this, though he knew it was a very real possibility.

His throat tight, Carlisle turned around and pulled Edward to him. He resolved to try not to think as long as they were in the shower. He didn't think, and he didn't speak. He reached past Edward, brushing their bodies together, and grabbed the shampoo. Pouring a dollop onto his palm, he began to massage it into Edward's hair.

Edward sighed and closed his eyes in contentment. Carlisle was slow and thorough, massaging along the ridges of Edward's scalp. Tenderness and affection began to grow stronger than the dread and fear pooled in his stomach. He let himself get lost watching Edward's face.

They bathed each other in wordless, intimate silence. Edward's fingers were strong and firm as he soaped Carlisle's body, sliding along the expanse of his back, his shoulders, his neck. He paid extra attention to the skin behind Carlisle's ears and smirked when Carlisle laughed.

For minutes, it was easy to pretend they were what they'd always been-a couple deeply in love and happy.

When they got out of the shower, the warm glow faded quickly. They pulled their robes on, each of them knowing a heavy conversation was coming.

Back in their bedroom, they sat side by side. Carlisle shivered. Despite the fact it was summer, the morning air was cool on his damp skin. Or maybe it was just that the fear was back, turning his blood cold.

It was Edward who spoke first. He took Carlisle's hand and kissed his fingertips. "I really need to understand how you could possibly think you would lose me."

Carlisle let out a long, slow breath. Even hearing the words was devastating. He struggled to put his thoughts in order. "I know it's not something you'd want." He swallowed around the painful lump in his throat. "But if I can't be what you need…" He shook his head, unable to speak.

Edward took his face in his hands. "Start at the beginning, please. I really can't wrap my head around how you could think that would happen. I need you. Your hold on me is permanent."

Carlisle kept his eyes cast downward and shook his head again. He took Edward's hands in his, lowering them down between them. "Nothing is permanent," he said, his voice shaking. "I know you would try to stay, but I don't know if you could be happy-whole-with me."

"Come here," Edward said after a moment's silence. He lay back on the bed and opened his arms. Carlisle curled up beside him, and Edward tucked him up against him. He hitched his leg over Carlisle's waist so they were tangled up, nose to nose. "There."

He smoothed his fingers through Carlisle's hair. "Please tell me what you're thinking. All of what you're thinking."

Carlisle ducked his head, hiding his face at Edward's neck, breathing in his calming scent. It took him another minute of deep breathing, but he finally began to speak. "Your parents, the director, the social workers...They all saw me as a monster." He swallowed hard, ignoring the way Edward stiffened. He had to get the words out. "They took away our kids, Edward. That was how dangerous they thought I was. I'm a dangerous monster because I get off on hurting you."

"But that's not true," Edward said, his voice rough with a fury Carlisle knew wasn't directed at him. "You know that's not true. That's not what was happening."

"Wasn't it?" Carlisle raised a hand to trace Edward's cheek. "How many times have I told you how much I love seeing you marked up? Bruised. And not even mildly. Sometimes, you're black and blue. How often have I gotten off at the sight of those marks on your body?"

"That's not the way it works, and you know it." Edward gave an incredulous huff. "Carlisle, I get off just as much as you do if not more on that stuff, and it's my body you're marking." He backed away a few inches, and Carlisle knew he was staring. "Please tell me you're not thinking that they're right. That we're wrong for being who we are."

"No," Carlisle said quickly. "No, I…" He searched, trying to find the right words. "It's hard to explain. I don't think you're wrong or anyone else in the scene is wrong."

"But you think you're wrong."

Carlisle sighed. "Not...rationally, no. I'm just stuck. Look, black and white, isn't everything they thought true? I was holding you helpless while I used you. I did subjugate you. I did beat you."

"All of which I consented to. Vigorously. It's not something I let you do to me. It's something I asked for, something I wanted. I fucking craved."

That was, Carlisle thought, the biggest problem. "Regardless, I enjoyed it. Where I'm stuck is on what that says about me-that I'm capable of enjoying using you like that, inflicting an extraordinary amount of pain on you. On anyone."

"Not on anyone." Edward pushed up onto his elbow, and Carlisle finally met his eyes. His husband was furious-a passionate kind of fury. "If I was uncomfortable, if I didn't want it, you wouldn't get off on it at all. You've proven that over and over. It's not the pain that gets you off. You know this.

"You're not the abuser who beats on his husband because it makes him feel powerful. You're definitely not the deranged sadist who thrives on pain and his partner's helplessness. You aren't a monster."

Carlisle breathed out a shaky breath and reached out to cup the back of Edward's head. He brought his husband back down so they were nose to nose again. "This isn't a rational feeling," he said softly. "It's...I don't know. Maybe Pavlovian is the best way to put it. I know there's nothing wrong with what we were doing, what I was doing to you. But now, when I think about it, when I think about any of the things we've done together." He took a deep breath. "When I think of the things I've done to you, all I feel now is disgust for myself."

Edward blinked, staring back at him in horror. "That's-"

"I know, baby. I know." It was hard to breathe around the ache in his chest. His heart just hurt. "I know it doesn't make sense, but everything is just...poisoned for me. That's what I feel like. Poison. I did those things to you. I didn't even deny it; I did it, and they took our kids, Edward." His voice cracked, and he had to take a steadying breath. "They'll work with people who beat their children, exposed them to drugs, all sorts of things, but not me. And I can't convince my psyche that they're wrong. I can't stop obsessing over what's wrong with me, what it is about me that ever made me look at a bruise on your body and feel pleasure."

Even saying the words then made Carlisle's stomach churn. He was glad they hadn't had any breakfast yet or he might have lost it. That was how deep his disgust went.

"Carlisle." Edward touched him with a shaking hand, patting his cheek, brushing his lips. "That's… It's not… You know…"

Carlisle closed his eyes and shook his head. He wasn't dismissing Edward. He knew everything he was trying to say, but as he'd said multiple times already, it didn't matter that it wasn't rational.

"It is what it is," he said, defeated. "It's who I am now, and that's the problem."

He took another shaky breath and tightened his arms around Edward, clinging. "I know you're not up to it yet-the scene, I mean. But it's a need. It's part of your intrinsic makeup. It's a need that's going to make itself known again, and I... " He closed his eyes. These words felt like he was hammering the nails in his own coffin. He hated them. He hated that his world was falling apart, again, and he was helpless. "I won't be able to fill it for you. I can't be who you need. Not anymore."

The tension in the room was unbearable. Edward didn't speak right away, and every moment he didn't argue, what little bit of hope Carlisle had started to drain away. He started to pull back, but Edward clutched at him, his fingers digging so hard into Carlisle's back, he was surprised they didn't break the skin.

"Are you saying it's not a need for you?" Edward asked after an eon, his voice rough but steady.

Again, Carlisle scrambled for the right words. "I'm saying…" He huffed. The words didn't make sense. How could he make Edward understand some things just were? This was him. He wasn't as strong as Edward was. He'd been obliterated at the soul level with this blow. All kinds of pieces of him were missing, warped, and this was perhaps the biggest one.

"Maybe the need isn't gone," he said finally. "Maybe it will come back."

"Just like you think it will for me," Edward said. "You said it yourself. Intrinsic."

"Maybe. But even if it did, the other things I feel-the self loathing and disgust-they're stronger." He chuffed, bitter. "I want you so much, Edward. I want to show you how much I love you the way I always have, and those feelings have overpowered even my most basic desire."

"That's temporary. We can work through that."

Carlisle sighed and nuzzled Edward's cheek, trying to pretend he wasn't shaking. "Perhaps." Another deep breath. "But if I can't… If I can't be everything you need…"

Edward covered his mouth with his hand. "Do not say what I think you're about to say." He let his hand fall, and his eyes were burning as he stared Carlisle down. "Don't write us off, baby."

"I'm not." Carlisle palmed the side of Edward's face, brushing their lips together in a shaky kiss. "You have to know that's not what I want." He could feel tears brimming again. He was so scared, so desperate to hold on to what he had. He'd lost too much, and if he lost Edward, he wouldn't survive it. He just wasn't that strong. "But if I can't...I just...I need you to be happy, Edward. You deserve to be happy."

Edward held his face in his hands and kissed him. These were not happy kisses. They were desperate. Needy, and they moved together, arms and legs tangling. "Listen to me," Edward said, the words a rumble against Carlisle's lips between kisses. "It's not going to happen, do you hear me? You're a part of me. Heart and soul, we're part of each other. Do you think I could ever be happy if I walked away from you?"

Carlisle shuddered and tightened his hold. It was a miracle either of them could breathe. "You need to know I would understand if you did. If we couldn't-"

"No," Edward growled. He kissed Carlisle fiercely. "I don't want to hear those words, do you understand? Not now. Not ever. You need to forget about the idea I could ever walk away from you. I can't, and I'd never want to. We're going to get through this, and if you don't believe that…"

Edward pulled back, looking Carlisle in the eyes, fierce and frightened and determined.

And in love.

"If you don't believe that, I'll just have to say it again." Edward kissed him, more gently then. "And again." He kissed him. "And again." He kissed him. "Until you believe me."

Carlisle exhaled in a shaky gust. He kissed Edward back with urgency, a promise that he hadn't given up. "I believe you," he whispered.

He did believe him.

But that didn't mean he wasn't scared that he was wrong.

A/N: Many thanks, as always, to my dear girls. Hoping to update my other stories this week. My ofic has been flowing, though, so we'll see how that all goes.

So now my boys know the demon they're fighting, huh?