A/N: How was your weekend, duckies? I didn't get nearly enough writing done! But my brain took a rest.
Shorty chapter, so I'll probably update sooner than later.
"So here's a question," Alistair said mid-way through their second individual session.
Carlisle rubbed at his temple and waited for the therapist to continue.
"When you began to suspect you couldn't fulfil your role as a Dom, why did you immediately jump to the conclusion that it could cost you your marriage?"
"It's the truth, isn't it?"
"It's a possibility, but there are many others."
Carlisle shook his head in a jerky motion, swallowing hard past the lump in his throat. "None that are fair. None that would make Edward as happy and fulfilled as he deserves to be."
Alistair smiled at him. "Have you ever heard of a self-fulfilling prophecy?"
"Of course."
"Your honesty with your husband is commendable and necessary to good communication. That being said, has Edward been happy?"
Carlisle frowned. "No."
"No," Alistair agreed. "Again, I'm not discouraging your honesty and communication. I'm merely pointing out a logical fallacy in your thought process. You fear you won't be good enough for Edward. He feels he's not strong enough for you. Neither one of you are happy, and that's a recipe for disaster. With that mentality, you may lose your marriage before the issue of Doms and subs even comes up."
Carlisle turned his head to stare out the window, a fresh rush of fear sending a jolt down his spine.
"My point is simply that you have blinders on. You want the answer to the big question, but there are many smaller questions that need answers, too." Alistair sat back in his chair and swept his arm wide. "Take a moment and consider. Perhaps I'm wrong. Do you and Edward have everything figured out? There's nothing else you're worried about except that you can't be his Dom anymore?"
After a moment's consideration, Carlisle had to laugh. "We're more than Dom and sub. So much more, but right now, everything I can think of is related somehow."
"That's understandable. A huge part of your identity has been shaken. It's only natural to dwell." Alistair tapped his chin thoughtfully. "As I recall, you and your husband were Dom and sub before you were anything else?"
"As far as our personal relationship, that's right. Professionally, he was my student before he was anything else." A small smile tugged at his lips as he remembered the day he met Edward. He'd been harried—his nose buried in a patient's chart when his new intern was introduced. When he did look up, he was startled by Edward's eyes. Not the color, though that shade of green was stunning to say the least. There was just so much life in those jade depths, so much it took him weeks and months to understand. Intelligence, humor, eagerness, stubbornness, and pride.
Who could have predicted that brilliant, gorgeous twenty-three year old man would become his most important person—the love of his life?
"For some, it helps to engage in a sort of roleplay," Alistair said. "Nothing kinky. I'm speaking about something as simple as going back to the dating stage of your relationship."
"Dating?" Carlisle cocked his head. "We never dated."
Alistair brightened. "No time like the present for second chances." He looked at Carlisle with a smile. "Your relationship with your husband built itself around this core of the D/s relationship. With the level of trust and devotion in our community, that's a beautiful thing."
His look turned more serious as he considered his words for a moment. "I hope you'll understand and forgive my choice of words here. What you're going through is not unlike what a rape victim might."
Carlisle bristled. Those were strong words he was inclined to reject vehemently, but Alistair raised a hand to stave off his protest.
"What I mean is: you suffered a severe trauma that has shaken a core piece of your identity. You have an aversion to sex because sex is connected to that trauma." Alistair tilted his head. "Let me ask you this. Why do you want to have sex with your husband? Or rather, is the reason you want to have sex with your husband for his benefit only? You want to keep him happy and satisfied?"
"No," Carlisle said, not needing to think about the question at all. He gave Alistair a wry look. "He asked me the same question, because I've been with him as much as I could without him being able to reciprocate.
"I don't push myself. Well, I try not to. Sometimes I get stubborn about it." Carlisle grimaced. "It's strange to go through the motions of being turned on and not be able to bring that to fulfilment. Do you know what I mean? Edward will do something that drives me crazy." He gave a short laugh. "Hell, all he has to do is stand there. My husband is a beautiful man. I'm attracted to him. I want him. I get all the normal reactions—the pull, the chills and electricity, the desire. Everything works except the most important part, so to speak. I get frustrated, and that's when it becomes less about being with Edward and more about trying to force my body to do something it obviously doesn't want to do."
Carlisle considered a moment before he spoke again. "I suppose what I'm saying is, sex—as limited as it is for me at the moment—isn't a chore. I find great pleasure and satisfaction in simply being with my husband, and I find personal enjoyment in giving him pleasure. I've never been the kind of person who believes everyone has to orgasm for sex to be worthwhile or fair."
"Good." Alistair nodded. "You have a healthy outlook on sex, which goes back to what I was saying. You've been through a trauma, and that trauma has affected your healthy sexual function.
"You're a doctor. You understand better than most people that what your body is capable of, especially when you have some kind of impairment, isn't always in line with where your mind is. A person who's had replacement knee surgery might feel up to running a marathon in a month, but their body isn't going to cooperate with that desire."
He waved a hand, fixing Carlisle with a penetrating look, as though gauging his response. "The reason I use a word as strong as rape in comparison is because I feel like you might have some context for that. There are a lot of similarities to draw here." He ticked off on his fingers. "You experienced an intrusion into your sex life by persons who didn't have your consent. You were rendered helpless—there was nothing you could do to prevent your children from being taken. There was violence in that act, both in what Edward's parents accused you of and the sudden way the director laid down his final decision. There are a lot of the same mechanisms of guilt and self-blame. You've said you find yourself second-guessing what you've been doing with Edward. That you have beat him and treated him roughly. Or even guilt as small as the fact that it was you who drove your family to the agency."
By that point, Carlisle's teeth were gritted. He didn't like the comparison—rape victims had been through real trauma. Still, he thought he understood what Alistair was saying. He hadn't thought of it like that before. Of course, he understood he was grieving, but he hadn't considered it as psychological trauma that had been inflicted on him.
Alistair gave a short nod as though he saw Carlisle wasn't rejecting what he was saying outright. "These are things we'll work through, but for now, let's go back to what I was saying before."
"Dating?" Carlisle asked, relieved to let go of that line of conversation for the time being.
"Yes. Stop me if any of this feels off to you. You think you'll be unable to fulfil Edward's needs because of the trauma you've suffered. This is understandable. Your whole relationship is built with the D/s dynamic as a cornerstone, a central tenet. You're operating under the assumption Edward is the same person he's always been and therefore that his needs are or will be the same."
Alistair paused, looking at Carlisle for argument or confirmation. Carlisle nodded slowly. It was easy to pick out the keywords Alistair was trying to get him to see, but he didn't understand the conclusion yet.
"Carlisle, your husband is not the same man he was when this all began anymore than you're the same. Which isn't to say you don't know him. He's still your husband, and as you've indicated, you have already grown together in this experience. Your partnership is solid. Your love for each other is solid and secure, but there's some reorienting to do. Your needs have changed, or are in the process of changing, and Edward's have, too. Regardless of where either of you end up in terms of needs, it's not helpful to think about it in the context of who either of you were. Following?"
"Yes," Carlisle said slowly.
Alistair nodded. "So, as I said. In some cases, for some people, role-playing helps. It may help you to reset your relationship as part of a scenario. Pretend you're on a first date, a second date. Make silly, romantic gestures—chocolates, flowers, whatever. Plan a special outing. Most importantly, ask the getting-to-know-you questions that are typical of a first date.
"Even in the absence of trauma, people often change in small ways without their spouses realizing it. Edward may have picked up a new hobby or interest you weren't aware of. Perhaps he wants to talk about a book he read. Whatever. The point of dating is to find compatibility. In any event, it may act as a starting place for you and Edward to reorient your relationship based on who each of you are now." A small smile quirked at the edge of his lips. "Take a step back from the Carlisle and Edward as you knew them and get to know and accept yourselves, vanilla as you are for the time being."
Carlisle huffed out a laugh. "I thought you weren't a couples therapist."
"I'm not." Alistair leaned forward in his seat. "Here's the thing, Carlisle. Your self-esteem is shaken, but only in one category. This is something we're going to have to explore. You know you're a competent surgeon, a good person in general. You know you're a good friend, though I know you have concerns about Esme's well-being. You're a little shaky about whether or not you're a good son, but you also acknowledge that you know your father isn't a good father." Alistair tilted his head and said the next words carefully. "How do you feel about yourself as a father? Were you a good father?"
Carlisle's words seized in his throat, sending an arch of pain straight to the center of his heart. He had to swallow several times before he was able to speak at all. "I was a great father," he said in a whisper.
That was, perhaps, the worst part of his grief—his fear for his children. He'd put in a lot of time and effort into being the parent Riley especially needed. Bree was a little easier; she'd been so young, she only needed love to thrive. Riley was old enough to have anger and fear in him. It had been gratifying to watch Riley's walls fall away with the consistent love, affection, and attention Carlisle and Edward had showed him.
Carlisle simply didn't trust that anyone else had the ability to raise Riley and Bree the way he and Edward could. His children weren't lucky to have lost them. If he could get them back right that minute, he would have complete faith that they were exactly where they belonged.
Alistair nodded. "So you see, your issue is solely who you are as a husband. As such, as your therapist, that's going to be where my concentration is. In our sessions, we're going to go back to my original question. You've clamped hard and fast to the idea that your marriage is most likely doomed because you feel like you can't be a Dom anymore. You have tunnel vision as you don't see another outcome.
"In reality, couples will react any number of ways when a relationship-altering trauma occurs. We're going to unpack the reasons why you're stuck there, but you and I are both aware that life doesn't pause and wait for you to get better. Edward's happiness, or unhappiness as it is, reinforces your psyche's insistence that you're not a good husband. As you might imagine, that's doing nothing good for your self-esteem, and self-esteem is a lot of the reason you're having problems with erectile function."
As a doctor, Carlisle appreciated Alistair's blunt, clinical wording. As a man, he blushed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Alistair fixed him with a small, wry smile and continued. "My suggestions are an attempt to shift your concentration. Try not to dwell on a future possibility that seems, at this point, insurmountable. It's a non-issue for the moment—like worrying about if you're going to get into grad school when you haven't even graduated high school yet. So as we work through these issues, try to exist in the present."
Carlisle pressed his lips together, considering the man's words. "Get to know my husband of nearly five years?" He cracked a smile at the thought.
"That's why they call it role-playing," Alistair said with a grin. "At the very least, you'll have some fun, right?"
"Fun." Carlisle's life had been so heavy for so long, he wondered if he was capable of it. "Well, no harm trying, I suppose."
A/N: Have a good week, lovelies!