A/N: This marks the end of my cushion. EEEP. But it also marks the last week of classes for the semester. Hopefully will have some breathing room soon.

"Give me a minute. I just want to sit still a minute. Then we'll go out."

As he spoke, Carlisle's eyelids were already drooping. Edward watched with some amusement as Carlisle's head bowed and his hands went slack over the arms of the chair. He waited another few minutes, just watching. When he was sure his husband was well and truly asleep, he walked over to the chair and guided the recliner back. He knew Carlisle would wake with a neckache if he slept like that.

Once he had him settled and was sure he would stay asleep, Edward headed toward the kitchen. He was tired, too. That was why they'd decided to go out for dinner, so neither of them had to cook, but Carlisle was exhausted.

When they'd taken Riley and Bree in, Carlisle had taken a position at the hospital that had allowed him to have more normal hours. In the last few months, he'd been helping out in the emergency room now and again on top of his normal duties. When he did, he always came home ready to fall over. Edward had known an evening out was a long shot.

He didn't mind. Usually, they ordered pizza, but Edward was on a mission tonight. He opened up his laptop, reviewed the contents of the freezer and fridge, and did a few recipe searches. Of the two of them, Carlisle was the better cook, but Edward knew how to follow instructions.

Forty-five minutes later, his kitchen smelled amazing. He gave everything a once over and went to see if he could rouse his husband.

Carlisle hadn't stirred at all. Edward smiled and took another few moments to stare. He ran his fingers up into Carlisle's hair. He had such fine, soft hair.

"Wake up, lazy bones," Edward said, stroking the tip of Carlisle's nose. "Wake up, my love. I must feed you."

Carlisle opened his eyes slowly, blinking. Edward traced the pad of his finger around his lips, waiting for his eyes to focus. Carlisle took a deep breath through his nose and smiled. "Hey," he said, his voice cracking.

"Hey, you."

"I'm sorry," Carlisle said around a yawn. "I fell asleep."

"I noticed," Edward said, waggling his eyebrows playfully. "Come on. Are you hungry?"

Carlisle hummed. He stroked his fingers along Edward's arms, looking into his eyes with a tender, sleepy look. He tugged on his arm. "Come sit with me."

"Dinner—"

"Just a minute."

Edward came around the front of the chair and sat on Carlisle's lap. He wrapped his arm around his neck, steadying himself as they both shifted. Carlisle's arms were strong and firm behind his back, holding him upright.

Being in that position, Edward felt a pang. How often had Carlisle held him just like this after a scene? He'd stroked his back, just as he was doing now, letting him make his way out of subspace. Or when he'd punished him and then held him there, kissing his hair and telling him he was a good, good boy.

In that moment, Edward was hit by a longing so intense, he nearly moaned. That had been nearly as painful as the pangs he got when he remembered something his children had done. He had the urge to slide down onto his knees and rest his head on Carlisle's lap.

Somehow, he managed to keep what he was feeling off his face. Carlisle was still staring at him, his sleepy smile serene. They'd gotten good at this kind of connection. Intimacy disconnected from sex, Alistair had said. And really, it was exactly what they needed. He hoped they were getting through to Carlisle's psyche. He couldn't speak for his husband, but he felt safe and cherished—worthy of love.

Carlisle's kiss was tender, and Edward closed his eyes, melting against his husband's body. They kissed and Carlisle caressed his hair, his cheeks, the space under his eyes.

When he broke the kiss, Carlisle took Edward's face between his hands. Edward opened his eyes to find Carlisle staring at him, his expression soft but ultimately unreadable.

"What is it?" Edward asked.

Carlisle pursed his lips, searching his face. "When we were first married, I mean literally that first night, I didn't sleep even a minute."

Edward chuckled. "Well, that's embarrassing."

"Embarrassing?"

"For me, I mean. You wore my ass out that night. I've never slept better."

Carlisle grinned. "I wanted to sleep," he said, sobering. "I couldn't. I was having the most absurd line of thought. I was thinking about our vows, and that we would inevitably face hardships."

"Everyone faces hardships whether or not they're in a relationship."

"I did say it was absurd." Carlisle tapped his finger against Edward's chin absently. "When I was single, I never thought twice about the idea I would face hardships. But knowing you would face my hardships too was different."

"We face our hardships," Edward said. "Which is actually one of the advantages of marriage."

Carlisle smiled and kissed the tip of his nose. "It's a great comfort. It's just, at the time, I wondered what our hardships would be." He swallowed hard, that old grief coloring his features. "And now, I wonder if what happened to us is better or worse than all the things I imagined that night." He looked into Edward's eyes. "Would you think it's terrible that I don't think this was the absolute worst thing that could have happened to us?"

Edward took a deep, slow breath before he answered. "Do you remember when that bridge collapsed? The same bridge you drive almost every day around the same time you would have been driving it?"

"The day I didn't charge my phone?"

Edward swallowed hard, a jolt of residual fear going right through him. "I really thought you were dead," he said in a strangled whisper. "That was the worst thing. To lose you or to lose them like that. That would be worse."

Carlisle was quiet, but he nodded. His eyes followed the path his fingers traced along Edward's cheek, his throat. "You're going to ask me about what I said in San Francisco, aren't you?"

Now, it was Edward's turn to be quiet.

They'd called Bella that night in San Francisco and asked her to meet them for dinner when they got back home the next evening. Edward had been so excited. But when they landed and turned on their phones, there was a message from Bella saying her work had sent her to New York City to manage some sudden crisis in their other office. She was gone for a week.

When she got home, Carlisle didn't mention talking to her again. In fact, there had been a distinct lack of talking about the subject. Edward hadn't pushed, but another week had gone by. And then two.

He raised his eyes to look at Carlisle. "I just need to know. Either way, I need to know."

"I know I've been unfair to you." Carlisle said, his tone sincere. "It was an impulsive thing for me to say. When we were in San Francisco, when it was just us and not all the memories here, it was easy to say what I wanted." He cupped Edward's cheek again. "It is what I want. More than anything."

"But?"

"No but. Not really." The skin at the corner of his eyes tightened. "Just because we lost Riley and Bree doesn't exempt us from hardship the rest of our lives. There will be bad times again, and if—"

Edward took his hands and squeezed tightly. "Carlisle," he said, resting his forehead against his husband's. The thought, the fear, of what could be made him dizzy with fear. Of course he understood. If they did this, they were opening themselves up to a world of potential pain. There were the months of hoping and disappointment if Bella didn't conceive. There was always the possibility of miscarriage or some fatal deformity. There was always the possibility their baby would be born with a disease, and they'd have to watch their child waste away, its life reduced to pain and discomfort. The world was capable of a limitless variety of suffering, and it would find them again somehow.

They'd lost two children. That was far more than any parent could be expected to withstand.

Edward took a deep breath, pushing down the thoughts. "It's like you said, though. Losing our kids doesn't exempt us from hardship. Anything could happen. I could get sick. You could get in an accident tomorrow."

Carlisle held him tightly against him, as though that thought too was unbearable. And it was. Edward clung back just as tightly.

"I'd understand, you know," Edward said, his words muffled against Carlisle's skin. "If you need more time. I wasn't ready when Bella sprang that on us. It's just hard not to think about."

Carlisle pulled back so he could look at Edward. "You wouldn't be angry if I said yes only to take it back now?"

"Well, I'm not saying I'd be thrilled. I'd be disappointed, but—"

Carlisle laughed and kissed him soundly. Then he sighed. "I'm not even remotely ready, but I'm also as ready as I'm ever going to be." He smiled at Edward—a shaky but genuine smile. "I want this with you so much it's terrifying."

"So we are going to do this? For real?"

Carlisle's smile broadened. "Yes, sweetheart. I—"

Anything else he might have said was cut off when Edward kissed him. A long, exuberant kiss.

"I love you," he said when they were both breathless. He grinned. "Now get off your ass. Dinner is getting cold."

~0~

Carlisle kept his word, and they had Bella over for dinner the very next day.

For the most part, Carlisle was sanguine with the idea. The pieces of him that were conflicted were easy enough to ignore. His fears were intangible. He had some guilt—some part of him felt as though it was wrong to try to replace Riley and Bree like this—but he knew it wasn't as simple as all that.

The quieter voices in his head were easily silenced, swept under the rug to be dealt with in his next session with Alistair. Mostly, he felt a growing sense of excitement. He wanted to be a father. He wanted it very badly.

This was the start of a new journey. His heart still ached, remembering the beginning this journey in a much different way over a year before. There would always be the pain of how that journey had ended for them, but now there was the hope of a new beginning. They were scheming a whole new life into existence starting today.

They tried to play it cool, inviting Bella in and attending to the niceties first. They asked how she was doing and offered her something to drink. But it was only a few minutes before she narrowed her eyes at them. "Oh, hell," she said under her breath.

"What?" Edward asked.

"You're about to say yes to what I offered, aren't you?" She looked a tone or two paler than she had just seconds before.

"Bella, if you've changed your mind—" Carlisle began but she jerked in her seat.

"No," she said, holding her hand out. "Ah. No. No. I decided a long time ago. Give me a second here to adjust."

Edward sat down on one side and Carlisle on the other. Edward rubbed her knee. "Seriously, Bella. It's not like we're going to hold you to it if it's something you don't want to do."

"It's not that. Well, no. That's not entirely true." Bella grimaced. "You know how I feel about the idea of being pregnant. That hasn't changed." Her expression softened. "What's changed is that I have the perfect reason to do it. I told you before. You know me. You know I wouldn't have said a word to you if I hadn't considered it from every possible angle and come to terms with it myself. I don't expect pregnancy to be a cakewalk or a magical experience for me. But I know you. You're going to take care of me and spoil the hell out of me."

Carlisle looked to his husband and saw the cautious but blinding smile beginning to tug at the corner of his mouth. "Honey, we'd be so, so good to you," he said.

"I know." She gave them a shaky but genuine smile. "You're the most wonderful, caring people I know. Really, guys. If you're in, I'm in."

They both engulfed her in a hug. Bella giggled, threading her arms through the tangle of theirs and swaying with them. "Dammit. Look. I'm already all emotional," she said, sniffling a bit. "Gah. Come on. Let's talk logistics."

Their party relocated to the kitchen table to talk business.

The when was easier than it could have been. Bella was an executive—altogether a very busy woman. Pregnancy was an inconvenient and unpredictable condition, but they had the advantage of being able to plan around upcoming obligations.

"I'd really like to avoid being nauseated in December, so starting in November would be out." Bella said, flipping through her calendar on her phone. "I know you guys are probably eager to get going, but I have like five business trips in December. Long flights to Tokyo and Paris. That would just...no. Plus who wants to be queasy for Thanksgiving?" She blanched, but then she tilted her head. "But we could start in December. Although, I guess that depends on what kind of procedure you're looking for. Well, I mean, I guess it depends on whether you're going to use my egg or not."

Carlisle started. He heard Edward suck in a sharp breath. "I...That's…" He reached over and took Edward's hand for support. "We didn't know that was an option."

She eyed them and ducked her head, shy. "Yeah. Sure it is."

"Bella," Edward said, his voice thick. "I mean, they would be yours. Biologically, I mean. They would… you would see them. I…"

She got up and plopped back down in the seat adjacent to Edward. She took his free hand, looking between him and Carlisle. "Look, I don't want kids. I don't have time for them. I don't have room for them. I don't desire motherhood at all." She swallowed hard, her glance becoming furtive. "People tell me all the time that I'll change my mind. Anything is possible, I guess, but I really don't think I will.

"I'm going to tell you something I haven't told you before." She took a deep breath, steeling herself. "The year after you got married, I got pregnant."

Carlisle felt the jolt that went through Edward's body. He was surprised as well. They were such good friends. It was unbelievable there were things Edward didn't know about Bella.

She gave them a small, rueful smile. "To cut to the chase, the situation resolved itself. I didn't tell anyone, because at the time I wasn't sure how to feel. I was sad, but mostly, I was relieved." She waved a hand. "That's not the point. The point is, when I figured out I was pregnant...that was a bad time for me. But, you know, I'm an adult. After I did the usual moping, hiding under the comforter, crying my eyes out thing, I tried to figure out what to do. This thing was going to grow into a baby, you know? And I didn't want it. There was no part of me that wanted it."

Again, she looked to them with a small smile. "I was out of my mind about it until it occurred to me that maybe you guys would want to adopt it. That idea...it was the only thing in that whole time that made me a little bit happy. I always knew you'd make great daddies. I even started to think of it as your baby. That was why I was sad when I miscarried—because it was yours, even though I'd never gotten the chance to tell you."

Carlisle wasn't sure what to think. Especially after Riley and Bree were taken, he played the what-if game frequently. What if they'd been able to keep the kids? Now, he was struck by the idea of how different their lives, their journey, could have been.

Intangible ideas.

"Obviously, the choice is yours," Bella said. "I'm a realistic person. I know I can't predict the future. But I'd like to think I know myself reasonably well. Regardless of whose egg you use, this baby is yours. One hundred percent. I love you both so much, even if I fell in love with the baby mid-way through the pregnancy, I would know it wasn't mine. I could never hurt you like that. I'll sign whatever you need me too—a contract. Whatever it takes to make my words legal, if it puts your mind to rest."

"Bella, that's so much," Edward said in a whisper.

Carlisle said nothing, but he reached out with his free hand, and she took it. They all formed a circle. Carlisle looked to Edward, and they had a brief conversation with their eyes. He didn't know what to think or say. He needed time to process this.

Edward got the message. He leaned in and kissed Bella's cheek. "We have to talk about it, okay? But it's an option. We'll leave it at that. We have time."

She nodded and let go of both their hands, sitting back. "Okay. So maybe we start trying in December. January at the latest."

Carlisle cleared his throat, grabbing onto this easier, more rational line of thought. "Have you considered the end of the pregnancy? Do you know what your schedule is like so far in advance? Is there anywhere you're going where you'd want to avoid being heavily pregnant?"

Bella snorted. "There are always going to be things I'd rather not be heavily pregnant for, but I understand what you mean. Travel arrangements and all that. I know I can't be jetsetting to London if my due date is around the corner." She drummed her fingers on the tabletop. "It's never going to be perfect, but I'm less worried about the end of the pregnancy as far as inconveniences go. I'll have at least eleven months to plan my downtime."

December was two months away.

"Okay, so, this isn't any of my business, but I am curious," Bella said. "Do you know what you're going to do about which one of you, uh, supplies the biology?"

This Carlisle could answer with ease. "No question there. Biologically, it would be Edward's child. A childhood illness made me infertile."

Bella's eyes went wide. "Oh, Carlisle. I'm sorry."

"I keep telling him it's the kind of thing he needs to check," Edward said, glancing at Carlisle. "We work in the medical field. You know for a fact how many babies are born to 'infertile' men."

"And I'll tell you what I told Edward before," Carlisle said, ignoring his husband to look at Bella. "I never expected to be a biological father. I made my peace with that a long time ago. I never expected to be a father at all, but if it did happen for me, I always knew I would adopt." A lump rose to his throat, and he shook his head. "Sincerely. I'm completely fine with the idea. Riley and Bree were my children. They'll always be my children in my heart. This child will be mine. Biology is meaningless to that connection."

"I understand that," Bella said, smiling. "I mean, it was a win/win situation for this kid anyway. You two are so damn pretty."

They both laughed.

After that, it was a matter of details. Bella was open to about anything. They'd be allowed to be there for any appointments. They promised to try not to overstep their boundaries, accepting the fact she was a busy, active woman who fully intended to keep up her work-a-holicism as well as her active sex life.

"They make maternity leatherwear," she said, waggling her eyebrows. "I know. I checked."

She, in turn, had assured them that she would, of course, always be mindful of the life she carried. She took good care of herself, and she would take better care of the baby.

They both kissed and hugged her about a million times before she left. When the door closed behind her, they were left in the foyer. Carlisle watched as Edward put his hand flat against the door.

He'd done that the day they lost their children. He'd kicked his parents out and had stood still, just like this. The most horrible stillness, the loudest silence Carlisle had ever heard.

Carlisle went to him now and wrapped his arms around his waist. He didn't have to say anything. He thought it likely they were on the same page, both remembering.

They still ached for their children. Carlisle had been speaking from his heart when he told Bella parenthood had nothing to do with biology. They were his kids, a part of both of them always and forever. Carlisle knew without a doubt that he would think of them, long for them, worry for them every single day for the rest of his life. He knew there was a hole in his heart; a jagged, bleeding hole that would always bring back the maddening mantra. Were they safe? Were they loved? Were they happy?

Carlisle would never be okay with the fact he couldn't have the answers to those questions.

Edward turned in his arms, leaning his back against the door and hugging Carlisle close. "Am I horrible for wanting this so much? For being happy about this?" he whispered against Carlisle's ear. "We wouldn't have this unless we'd lost them."

"Other lives, sweetheart." Carlisle rocked him, comforting him though he felt exactly the same—a mixture of hope and guilt. "We can't live that life anymore. We can only live this one. I don't think remaining childless is a good way to honor the time we had with them."

Edward said nothing to that. They were both quiet, just holding each other, trying to come to terms with the happy turn their life had taken.

A/N: I've been toying with a gratuitous fantasy scene where the boys and Bella conceive their baby the old fashioned way. I've promised winterhorses I'd write it. For funsies. Not for "real" (it won't be an official part of the story in other words, rofl).

As for my boys, look like they have some decisions to make. What do you think?