I saw, I smelled what he did to you girl.
and to be frank, the thought makes my innards curl:
how he preyed on your ripe insecurities,
the thorn in your side is alive, and it's killing me.
Obscure records entombed in his room with mechanical lust,
diapered, desolate middle-aged doom.
On your knees in his downtrodden shit-eating grin of a room.
If only you'd meet me here soon.
If only you'd start breathing, I'd court you exclusively.

I was awoken the next morning by Demeter tripping over me.
"Tugger!" she cried indignantly, a paw flying now instinctively to her stomach.
"I told you I'd sleep here. I need to talk to her, Dem." She shook her head.
"Go home Tugger. She doesn't want you."
"You know what? I just don't buy that."
"There's only one thing she wants in this world, and it only comes from one cat."
"Yeah? What does Macavity have that I don't?" I muttered.
"Shows how much you know." She scoffed. "I really don't think you want to see her like this…it always hits her harder when she's upset."
"She's upset? Demeter no! She doesn't understand! You don't understand! I saw her go to Macavity's lair, I was walking, and I swear I was just TALKING to-" Demeter held up her arms, demanding silence.
"I just don't care anymore. I've been up with her all night. I'm on my way to Munkustrap to get some sleep, because that queen is not going to shut up and leave the den. So give your excuses to her, not me."
"Thanks Dem." I muttered.
"Mark my words Rum Tum Tugger. You break her heart, I break you." I nodded, knowing that she was completely serious.
"Duly noted." And with that, she walked away. I knocked on the door.
"Dem?" came a quiet whine from inside. I walked in. The den looked a lot smaller when there weren't eight or nine cats in it, and I found Bomba lying on her stomach at the far end. She held an arm over her eyes when I brought bright light in with me. "Dem? Are you back?"

"No Bomba, it's me." I whispered.

"Tugger?"

"Yeah."
"Go away. I have to yell at you. And I can't right now."

"Why not?"

"Don't feel good." she was loopy; not talking like herself.

"Bomba what's got you?"
"Nothing. Nothing. It's gone."
"What's gone?"

"My head. I'm gone. My head hurts." I walked to her and dropped to my knees, placing a paw lightly on her head.
"Your head's right here baby." I hadn't called her by a name yet, and it did feel good when she didn't object...at least not to the name.

"Fuck you. Don't touch me." she murmured, but she made no attempt to move me or herself.
"Bomba I know you saw me with Etcetera yesterday. Do you not believe in me? I made you a promise that I wasn't using you, and I wasn't doing anything to be ashamed of with Etcetera. She...she tried to make me want her. She kissed me, but I couldn't let her. I don't want her, I don't." I stroked her head gently a few times, but she didn't purr. I looked at her face to make sure she was even awake, and she was: staring at me right in the eyes with as much malice as her sick glassy eyes possessed. It hurt to see that she was so clearly ill, and I wanted so badly to take her in my arms and not let go until her smile returned. But I knew that if I did, I'd end up with more scratches on my back, but with a not-so-nice intent.

"I saw you kiss her." she whispered.

"Where did I kiss her?" I asked.

"On her forehead."

"Yep. And I hugged her, and I ruffled the fur on her head." I freely admitted it before crouching down and whispering in her ear. "And tell me baby; where did I kiss you?" she didn't give me an answer, she only gave a slight squirm and the quietest of moans in response. At least she knew that she got from me things that I never gave to Etcetera. "I asked Etci to be my friend. I told her that I loved her, and love her I do, but in the way that say...Munkustrap loves me. Or the way you love Demeter. I want to have Etci as a sister, as a friend."

"I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be."

"I made an assumption. I was stupid. I'm stupid. I-" She was cut off by a gagging noise coming from her own throat. She sat up and I moved with her, holding her shoulders as she hunched over and puked her brains out. I rubbed circles soothingly on her back, trying to help calm her breathing once it was over.

"Bomba tell me what's wrong." but she couldn't, as a new wave of vomit blocked her speech. She spent all day shivering, coughing, and crying a little, and I stayed with her through all of it. How could I leave her? Eventually she fell asleep, her limp and shaking body leaning against mine as I sat with my back against the wall, wondering if there was something seriously wrong with her. I guess I fell asleep with her, because the next thing I remember is Demeter shaking me awake. Bomba wasn't with me, and I found her sleeping on her bed in the corner.
"Tugger wake up."
"Hey Dem."
"How's she been?"
"I don't know Dem. I've never seen anyone this sick before…" My memory however, stuck on one specific night. "Okay, well I have, but only once."
"Who was it?"
"It was…me."

FLASHBACK TO THREE YEARS AGO

"Just like this?" I felt like an idiot. But I'd never done this before, and I was scared of fucking up. This shit could kill me if I did it wrong.
"Just get right down and breathe. Through your nose, it's better that way." Instructed Macavity. I did as he told me; placing my face over the pile of green herb, eyes closed, and inhaled slowly. I got barely half a breath in, and I was on my back, coughing and gagging from the powerful aroma. My head became heavy, and I saw spots everywhere. "Feels good, doesn't it kitty?" I nodded, and drunkenly crawled back to the pile of catnip.

"Hell yeah." I slurred as I inhaled more. I didn't choke this time, and the rush was long and sweet.
"Aren't you so glad I'm here to show you what the good things in life are?" I nodded. Macavity took his turn, breathing deeply. His eyes rolled briefly back in his head, but he didn't stumble. He was a pro with the drug. That's all I remember from that night; everything else is a loud dark blur. but I (and you) can probably piece together what might have happened, especially considering how sore I was the nest morning. The next morning I remember quite vividly. I couldn't move without my head feeling like it was going to split right down the middle. Even wiggling my ties sent shooting pain through my brain. I didn't know where Macavity had gone (who, in case you couldn't guess, was my lover at the time), so I laid there on the floor of his lair for god knows how long. I wanted to die and when the puking started, I really thought I was goin to. The only movement I made was to turn my head to make sure I didn't choke on my own bile. Macavity returned and laughed at me, lying there in a puddle of my own insides. He called me a queen, told me I was disgusting, and if I wanted to stay with him then I needed to learn to keep my nip down. And I realized that I didn't want to stay with him. As soon as I had enough energy to stand, I fled. And I never went back.

END OF FLASHBACK

"You've got a lot of secrets." mused Demeter.

"Less now."

"You said Macavity was your...lover?" I bowed my head. Demeter was the last cat I should tell this to. Demeter had a past with Macavity as well. She was kidnapped by him five years ago. He kept her in his lair for almost a month. I remember Munkustrap didn't sleep at all. He lead search parties all over the city, desperate to find her, and unwilling to think about what might have become of her. But Demeter, being the queen that she is, managed to escape and fled back to the junkyard. She had a horrible story to tell about how Macavity had tortured her for information about my father, my brother, and even about me. She told us how close she'd come to dying between the torture...and the rape. After she'd told of what he'd done, she wouldn't talk at all for weeks. She wouldn't even leave her den. It took three years for her to get back to the way she is now. She owes it all to Munkustrap. He's loved her for years, and it took everything he had in him to fix her. She'd always loved him too, but it took her forever to get comfortable with him again. She's still very jumpy, and a bit of a pessimist, and very sensitive to Macavity's presence in the yard. She's happy with Munkustrap though, but you never get over an encounter like that. And now here I was, telling her I'd given myself up to Macavity for cheap thrills. I wasn't proud of my past with him, but I was young and stupid and curious, just as I could assume Bomba might be. I realized I hadn't answered Demeter yet.
"Yeah, yeah he was for about a month."
"I didn't know that. I mean, I knew you liked toms..."
"I like queens too. I like Bombalurina."
"Well that's obvious enough. What isn't obvious at all is why you would go and kiss Etcetera again and risk something special with Bomba."
"I explained everything to Bomba. She understands. I didn't kiss Etcetera, we're just friends." Demeter nodded.
"Thank you for staying with her. I was up with her all last night. I needed some sleep, and to talk to Munk. We need a new den...but you can go now if you want to." I shook my head.

"Do you mind if I stay here? With her?" she shrugged.
"I guess not. Maybe you're better equipped to deal with her."

"How do you mean?" I asked, stretching out my tired body.

"She didn't tell you...why she's like this?"
"Talking wasn't really in the cards for her today."

"Oh, right. I guess this one was really bad."
"Demeter, what are you talking about?" Demeter took a long breath before she spoke.

"She's been like this for...about a year now. Disappearing for a day or so, coming back like this. She's sick like this sometimes for an hour, sometimes for days. Last night was the worst I've ever seen her: she told me what she saw with you and Etcetera...and then just...she was gone...she disappeared into it completely."
"Demeter, make sense for five seconds please!"

"She's been...going to Macavity...for catnip...at least twice a month...for about a year. Last night she came back and just...Bomba wasn't there at all. I was taking to the catnip one hundred percent. It was scary." My brain had caught fire. A year's worth of catnip was a very bad thing. Too much of that shit will fucking kill you.
"Why don't you stop her?" I asked.

"You ask me that like I haven't tried. She's an addict, Tugger, and she'll do anything to get her fix. At least Macavity's supply is clean, and I don't have to worry about her getting poisoned. I'm not happy about it but...I don't know how to stop her."

"I get it. But I'm not ever ever going to let her do it again."
"Then you're dealing with her withdrawal, not me."

"And who better than me to help her?"

"No one. Good luck with her. Get some sleep though, you'll need energy to deal with her tomorrow. She might be fine though, now that you've explained the Etcetera thing. That really screwed her up last night...she really likes you, you know." I couldn't help but smile.
"Yeah, I know." I looked at Demeter, who was smiling knowingly at me.

"Alright. To bed with you. See you in the morning."

"Night Dem." and I curled up behind Bombalurina, my arms winding themselves instinctively around her.

Morning light was what awoke me as someone came into the den. I didn't have Bomba next to me anymore, and once my eyes adjusted to the light, I discovered that it was Bomba who had just entered. She was coughing, but at least she was on her feet. I sat up.

"Morning." I said, trying to give my groggy voice a cheery air.

"Morning. Here." she sat down in front of me and rolled me a fresh-killed rat.
"Don't you want this?" I asked. She shook her head and gave a look of mild distaste.

"Not hungry." Well I was. I dug my teeth into the stomach and tried to let as much blood as possible flow out before beginning to gnaw at the meat. Bomba sat in silence, staring at my feet until I finished, tossing the remains aside. "You...stayed with me yesterday?" she asked. "And Demeter told you everything?" I nodded. "You must think I'm such an idiot.

"Hey, if you are, so am I. Did Dem tell you?" she nodded. So how can I blame you? Macav...he's a good salesman. He's hard to say no to...but you can. Bomba, I'm not going to lose you. I'm going to help you beat this."

"I can't. It's been too long...It's a part of me. He owns me now...he owns me."
"You own you! He only owns what you give him."
"I gave him...I gave him everything I have." Fire. A fire started in my head at those words.

"You've fucked him?" she couldn't speak, she only nodded.

"Willingly?" I tried to clarify.

"Tugger I'm sorry!" she cried. Tears streamed down her face one after another. I hated watching her cry.
"Don't be sorry. BabyBom, you have a weakness, and you let the wrong tom hold you up." She was shaking now, from crying so hard. I kissed her paws and held them to my chest. "Just tell me that you promise to let me help you. Tell me you want to get better. Tell me that you'll let me hold you up." I was choked up myself now, but I couldn't let her hear it in my voice. She needed a strong arm to hold her up, and I wanted it to be mine. Almost in an answer to my thoughts, she collapsed forward, falling into my lap. Her head rested on my thigh and she shook from the sobs raking through her body. I rubbed her back and held her as tight as I could from the position she was in. She would calm down eventually, and once she did, we could talk about making a plan for her. She could beat this with help.

I believed in her.

wow, did i go all week without updating?
SORRYSORRYSORRYSORRYSORRY.
i'm actually dealing with a lot right now.
my friend ali is thirteen, and she got raped at a party a month ago.
she's getting an abortion. her whole grade hates her. and i'm trying to be there for her, because we're both scared she's going to do something stupid. so i'm sorry if my mind is elsewhere. this chapter was supposed to be longer, but i really couldn't concentrate on it. Most of this was written before she told me what happened, it just took me forever to get it typed up.
i love reviewers.
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