chapter six:
but i won't fall for it next time.

I had some nightmares clawing at my skin and bones.
I nearly did explode.
You smoked the demons, gave me back my feelings.
Now I am good to go.
Before, my face hits the floor there's just one thing you should know:
This is for real. This time I mean it.
I'm coming clean. Please don't let go
I said from the start that you could take it or leave it.
I'd prefer that you keep it.
Don't let go.
This is the best thing that I've ever had for real.

I guess all she needed was the right kind of help. Barely a month has gone by and the withdrawal has definitely gone. She was still getting intense cravings though, but we were working on satisfying them in…other ways. This was only made easier by the fact that we were actually living together now. Munkustrap had moved out of the car and into Dem and Bomba's cave den. We all agreed with the decision; they had kittens coming and needed the space. This was good for Bomba and me too, because now I could keep an even closer eye on her. I didn't think she WANTED to sneak out to Macavity, but it wouldn't surprise me if she suddenly felt like she had to. She'd made real improvements though. At first she tried to hide her symptoms from me. She didn't want me to see her body screaming for the drug, but I made her open with me. She became good t keeping me updated on when she got cravings, and how strong they were. Every time she got one I would just talk to her or something, about anything and everything. I tried to make her laugh, or make her think; just anything to keep her mind occupied, and stop her from thinking about the nagging need in her brain. Sometimes she got really bad attacks, and talking to her would be difficult because she got so paranoid and twitchy. When this happened, she'd let me get physical with her. Our plan was that I just had to soothe her as best I could, but if t hat didn't work, I had the green light to make her crazy any ways I knew how. Personally, I loved it. It was the only time she didn't demand dominance. When we did it while she was normal though, she made me completely hers for the taking. I couldn't help myself. She could bend me; break me; anything she wanted. She had me wrapped around her finger and I think she knew she did. I just wanted to make her happy, and if this made her happy, then why not? I was beginning to realize that the reason I let her treat me this way was because I was in love with her. For real. Nothing made me happier than talking to her, touching her, falling asleep with her, and waking up the next morning and have her still there, ready to do it all again. I'd been trying to say "I love you" for almost three weeks now, but something in my head just wouldn't let me. I kept thinking about the last cat who heard me say "I love you": Misto. We all know how that ended up. Even though part of me knew I didn't need to fear the same outcome with Bombalurina, I couldn't really help myself. But brought back to attention, I was about three seconds away from losing my mind.
"Ugh Bomba come ON." She'd caught me unawares and gotten me pinned down on my back, crawling onto me and ensuring she made contact with every part of my body except the ones that really needed attention. I hated to love it: the way she made me squirm. She laughed.
"Haven't you learned by now? Good things come" she interrupted herself with a deep kiss to my lips "to those. who. wait." I let loose a growl that had no playful air.
"I CAN'T wait any more, come ON." she paused, staring at me for a moment before rolling off of me. "What now?"
"Can we talk?" she asked quietly. I let out a short involuntary groan and sat up, leaning against the car door.
"Talk? Sure. But how much intelligent speech do you expect from me after teasing like that? I mean, I let you do what you want to me...but this just is NOT fair." She smiled to herself before crawling over to me, nestling into my chest. I closed my eyes as she left a kiss on my jaw line. Her face stayed near, and her breath was warm on my neck. I wrapped my arms around her and my paws rested on her chest. She kept taking breaths as if she was about to speak, but she never did. Her heartbeat, I noticed, had gotten slightly faster. I placed two fingers under her chin and lifted her head until my eyes found hers. "You alright?" I asked. She nodded.
"Have I thanked you yet?"
"For what?"
"For...everything." I gave her a smile.
"I don't know whatcha mean babe." I knew exactly what she meant.
"I mean...letting me live here...helping me with the catnip thing..." she gave me a mischievous smile "and letting me just...totally rip you apart...anytime I want to..." she slid up and gave me a long, deep kiss. "I know you get a little crazy when you're not in control."
"Whoa whoa whoa. I'm in control..." she laughed.
"Okay Tugger, whatever you say."
"Well come on Bom, do you really think I'd let myself...oh my sweet god." I choked out. She had slid a paw across my thigh and right onto my still aching groin. She knew all the ins and outs of how to make my eyes roll back in my head, and she was using that knowledge against me. her voice found my ears.
"You were saying?" she whispered in the voice she KNEW drove me nuts. I bit my lip.
"You're EVIL." I growled from behind clenched teeth. Her paw stopped moving. "OKAY!" I moaned. "Okay you win. You win. Just, just, yeah. Yeah...there. Oh wow right there. Please...I...just...HEY!" My eyes shot open as she removed her paw.
"Can we finish talking first?" she asked. I nodded feverishly, breathing fast.
"You're trying to give me a heart attack, aren't you?" She giggled.
"No I just...there's something I need to do."
"Yeah, you just stopped doing it!"
"Tugger! Would you listen?"
"You wouldn't be interested in a proposition of fuck now, talk later, would you?" she rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Aghh! Queens these days!" I joked.
"Tugger come on! This is serious!" she squealed. She had a smile on her face, but I could hear annoyance in her voice.
"Okay okay come here." I extended my arms out to her and she returned, cuddling against my chest once more. "I'm all ears babe."
"Okay, well I've got to tell you something."
"Yeah?"
"And I've really never said it before. Well, to Demeter I have, but that's a little different."
"Alright what's up?" I laughed. She took a long slow breath, paused, and then shook her head and smiled. She got up on her knees and knelt between my legs, her paws resting on my thighs.
"Alright well…Tugger. I think…no, I know. Well, I'm pretty sure I know, so I don't think...but I do THINK it, but that doesn't mean I don't know it too-"
"You're too cute when you ramble like that. I love it." I said, stroking her arm. She blushed.
"Well I love that you love it."
"And also, I love how you smile when you're embarrassed like that."
"I love how you beg me sometimes."
"I hate to love that you tease me so bad."
"I hate to love how you kiss me to shut me up."
"I love watching you sleep."
"I love making you freak out."
"I love how bright your eyes get when you're excited."
"I love how much easier you're making this."
"I love how I don't know what you're talking-" She silenced me with a kiss that almost knocked my front teeth out. Like wow, this queen was intense sometimes. But hell, I wasn't complaining. She stopped and pulled far enough away to look me in the eyes.
"God damn you're beautiful." I muttered. She didn't give me that sweet sliver of a smile that she always gave me when I complimented her. Her breathing was all over the place, and there was a strange excitement in her eyes that I'd never seen in her before. "Bom...?" I started wondering what the hell she was doing. She closed her eyes.
"Tugger I..." her eyes flew open and she kissed me hard, but quickly. "I love you." Now I know what you're all thinking: how can he say no to that? Believe me, I was thinking the same thing. But I had just frozen, staring at her like an idiot, er smile and the glow in her eyes fading with every second. Just when she looked like she was honestly about to cry, an almighty crash; like thunder, only louder and harsher caught our attention. It was accompanied by screams. Bomba and I exchanged worried glances before darting outside. The sky had gone pitch black. But how? It was early afternoon! There were no stars, no moon, nothing: just a pitch black that was almost painful to look at. My lungs were protesting to a smoke coming from a huge fire in the meeting center. A few cats streaked past me, including a hot pink cat, striped green, who I noticed by her scream was Victoria.
"WHAT THE HELL?" I shouted. I looked up, looking for Bombalurina, but she was gone. "BOMBA!" I called, paws cupped around my mouth. She was nowhere to be seen. I heard another crash, and a few more squeals, this time of excitement, as a white and blue flash shot into the sky which suddenly turned a violent purple. "BOMBA!" I called again. No response. "Oh fuck it." I muttered. I ran towards the squeals and found a majority of the tribe sitting by the fire in the meeting center...and they were all circled around Mistoffelees. I stopped dead, watching the scene I could never have imagined possible. Misto looked more than a little bit terrified as sparks shot at Victoria, who had returned. I blinked hard, unwilling to believe that she had just turned orange.
"Turn me back Misto!" she shrieked at the sparks that suddenly turned her blue. "Oh my god fix me! What are you doing?"
"I'm trying, Vicki! Hold on!" he kept firing white sparks out of his paws, and Victoria's shade of blue began to lighten. The others were all watching and talking in excited whispers. The sight was almost gruesome to watch. When Victoria's color returned to white, she ran like hell. Mistoffelees followed her, shouting apologies, leaving all of us to divide our attention between the fire and the violet sky. I just stood there, and under the whispers of the other excited Jellicles I muttered.
"Well…fuck. me."

I had to help the other toms put out the fire before it set the whole junkyard ablaze. Munkustrap had gone to find Mistoffelees to get him to fix the still purple sky. It looked like blue spots were trying to peek through though, and a circle of neon purple marked the location of the sun. As I stood there between Alonzo and Coricopat, passing along plastic cups full of river water we were using to douse the flames, I thought about Mistoffelees. There was no doubt that he was a conjuror, but why had he never shown his powers before? Well, everyone else thought he had: at the Ball. But he HADN'T! It was me! Me and faulty wiring…or was he really shooting lightning? Has my far-fetched attempt at humiliating Mistoffelees actually been the truth? I didn't want to believe it, but there was no denying what we'd all just seen. A crash rang out and we all stopped to watch as red light shot up from the edge of the junkyard, and the purple in the sky began to dissolve, revealing an early spring-evening sky. There were a few sighs of relief and we resumed passing down the cups of water.

Well that was over. I was lounging in the car with Munkustrap; Demeter and Bombalurina were out doing god knows what, leaving us to just sit and be lazyfucks. I took a break from my Misto musings and switched to Bomba mode. I didn't know where she was, but I knew she was probably thinking, if not venting to Demeter, about me, and what a huge mistake she'd made by telling me that she loved me.
"So where's your better half?" joked Munkustrap.
"Where's your pregnant half?" I fired back.
"Don't know. Somewhere with Bomba I guess. I'm just wondering because today was the first time I've seen you without her in like…a month."
"Well we…hit a snag."
"You? Bombalurina? You two are a walking snag. What could you possibly have done to piss her off?"
"I…I didn't do anything." And that was the truth. I hadn't done shit.
"Was it something she did wrong?"
"She didn't do wrong…" she did everything right. She let me know she loved me, and hoped I'd say it back. As if she didn't know already.
"She told me that she loves me."
"Well great! I mean finally. That's been well and due for a while now."
"I didn't say it back." I muttered.
"Are you stupid?!" my brother asked, his voice suddenly agitated. "She told you…and you didn't…but you DO though, Tugger!"
"I…I know."
"Then why didn't you tell her?"
"I've been trying!"
"What's stopping you?"
"WHAT HAPPENED THE LAST TIME?!" We'd gotten to our feet, screaming at each other, but now I collapsed on the floor, almost in tears. Munkustrap plopped down beside me, patting my back.
"Oh." He said, his voice softening.
"Yeah. It's stupid, I know. But I…I just can't shake it."
"It's not that it's stupid, Tug…I sort of get it…but do you really think Bombalurina will pull a Misto on you?"
"No…I don't know…no…"
"And Tugger…well, I don't want to make things worse…"
"What?"
"It almost looks like you pulled a Misto on her."
"What?!"
"Well, try and think about it. You told Mistoffelees that you loved him, and he wouldn't say it back because he didn't really love you: he just wanted a good lay. Bomba told you she loves you, and you wouldn't say it back. What is she almost allowed to assume?" He made total sense, and my eyes widened with shock.
"Oh shit." I whispered.
"Yeah. Shit is damn right. She's good for you, Tug. Don't fuck this one up." I sighed and fell backwards, contemplating what I'd done. Munkustrap sighed too and stared out the window. "Speaking of Misto, what was up with that today?"
"Dunno."
"He looked…scared. It was out of control. He acted like he didn't know what he was doing…like he'd never conjured before." I felt sick. Bomba and Misto fought for dominance over my thoughts and it started to rip my brain apart.
"I…I need some air." I choked out. Munkustrap tried to say something, but I ran. I ran straight out of the yard and hit out in an alley a block away. It reeked of garbage and sewage and that only made the nausea worse. I sat on the ground, back to the brick wall, catching my breath.
"Hello?" came a voice from the shadows. I almost screamed.
"Whose there?" I asked.
"T-Tugger?" Mistoffelees came towards me from the end of the alley. I swore something terrible under my breath. Bad place, bad time, bad outcome, I could feel it.
"Hello Mistoffelees." I tried to sound formal: act like I didn't know him. "What are you doing out here by yourself?"
"Well I'm not by myself, am I?"
"You were."
"No I wasn't. Victoria just left."
"You had her out here?! She's practically still a kitten, it's not safe!"
"Well we needed a private place for her to scream at me." He said, not trying to hide his detest. "She's still a really light shade of blue…"
"So fix her Mr. Magic Tom." He shrugged.
"I tried…I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?" I spat. "We all saw you. You changed the fucking sky! You wanna act like you can't fucking turn her white?"
"Tugger, I don't know what happened. Seems like you'd know better than I do, actually. You called this at the Ball…"
"I was just fucking around at the Ball. I didn't think that was actually you. It was the wiring around the junkyard…and the Old Deuteronomy thing…I arranged that…but were you really shooting that lightning?"
"I don't know. I don't THINK so…I mean, I didn't FEEL anything…"
"Well what did you feel today?"
"Nothing. I was in an argument with Vicki, over something stupid, and I yelled, and boom! The sky went black! The tribe showed up…I started sparking everywhere, and that made the fire start. And then I was just kind of…able to tell myself what to do…and it'd just happen. I wish I had more answers…but I don't. Vicki and I just broke up. I think she's just mad that I can't get rid of the blue. I'll try to fix her next chance I can…" he stopped talking when I started to slowly back away.
"So you couldn't turn me orange right now?" I asked. He shook his head.
"Doubt it." There was a glint in his eye all of a sudden that I was afraid I knew all too well. "But there are some ways I can turn you…that I don't need magic for." He took a big step towards me, and I matched it backwards.
"Misto. No. I'm…I'm with Bombalurina."
"I know. I've seen you around the yard. Is she any good?"
"Yeah. She is. Best I've ever had." I let that last sentence get in his face a little."
"So you get to tear her apart…the way I tore you up?"
"Yeah." No. I gulped. Try the other way around. "Yeah all the time."
"You don't sound so sure." And with a speed that made me think he was lying about not being able to access his powers, he had me against the bricks, holding my paws above my head. I felt lips on my neck, and his scent brought back feelings that sent my eyes rolling back in my head. "You just never learned how to take control, did you?" His voice made vibrations on my skin that sent chills up and down my spine. I tried not to shudder.
"Why does it matter?"
"Calm down Tugger…just let go…"
"No."
"Tugger…"
"NO Misto…"
"I love it when you fight with me.
"Back off little tomkit, you don't know what love is."
"Oh but you do. You used to love me." He slid a paw down my thigh, and back up again, hooking a claw into my belt. "And I bet you can do it again. I bet I have the…power...to persuade you." He dove back at my neck.
"Misto no."
"Come on Tugger…I know you love it..."
"No I don't love it." I gathered my strength and got my paws out of his grip, pressing against his shoulders and pinning him up against the opposite wall. "I love Bomba!" I think our expressions were exactly the same: complete and total shock. I released him, my breathing getting faster. I nodded. "I love…I love Bomba." Misto was looking at me like I had five tails. "I love Bomba! I love Bomba!" now that I had said it out loud, I just had to keep saying it. Without another word directed to Mistoffelees, I took off running, back to the junkyard, babbling incoherently about love and what an idiot I was for not doing this sooner. I stopped in the middle of the junkyard. Problem: I didn't know where Bomba was. I ran around asking random cats if they'd seen Bombalurina. They must've thought I was on nip, by the wild smile I was sure I had on. Finally I found Demeter. "DEM! DEMDEMDEMDEMDEMDEM!" I shouted all the way over to her. Her eyebrows had almost disappeared from creeping so far up her forehead. "Have you seen Bombalurina?" I asked. She nodded.
"She's in me and Munk's den. Hiding out from you." I rolled my eyes.
"Thank you."
"Don't mention it." and I tore off again towards Dem and Munkustrap's den. I burst through the door, and stopped in the entrance as she looked at me. I smiled, she didn't.
"Hi." I said.
"Hey." she muttered. Damn it. Bad mood.
"Are...you okay?" she gave me a look that screamed "are you serious?" before going back to picking at her claws.
"Go away Tugger." she said to no one in particular. I shook my head.
"No way." I whispered, before rushing over to her. I grabbed her by her arms and pulled to her feet, wrapping her in my arms.
"Tugger. No. Not now. I don't...you're not...you don't..." I quieted her with a kiss. She was still trying to push me off, but only halfheartedly.
"You're cute when you ramble. I love it. I love that you love that I love it." I was ending every sentence with a kiss. "I love how you smile when you're embarrassed. I love how you make me beg sometimes. I LOVE to love how you tease me so bad. I love how I have to kiss you to shut you up sometimes. I love watching you sleep. I love it when you freak me out. I love how bright your eyes get when you're excited. I love how sometimes I have no idea what you're saying. I love how much easier this is all of a sudden." I'd actually lifted her up by her waist and pressed her lightly against the wall. She wasn't fighting my kiss anymore, and had her arms wrapped around my neck. "And know what else?" I asked.
"What?" she asked, breathless.
"I love you."

admit it...you went "awwww" at the end.
this is the chapter i've been pumped to write since i started. i knew the i love you chapter was gonna be long, and it was gonna be sappy.

so it is. ) i rule anyways.
reviews anyone? yes, no maybe so?
close to 600 views now and only seven reviews. disappointing...