So far Antonia had been at her new school for a few weeks and for the most part was enjoying herself. But of course, the best part of her day was recess. The pre-K and kindergarteners had recess at the same, and although she usually didn't play with Stevie, she was happy he was there. It gave her a sense of security to have him near, even though she wouldn't have said so. Plus she liked to holler across the playground at him to look at her when she was doing something she thought was particularly daring, like swinging super high.
On this particular day, Antonia was waiting for her turn on the swings, pouting slightly because she hadn't run fast enough to get one first, when she noticed a familiar man hanging back on the playground's edge. Cocking her head curiously, she saw him motion her over, and she ran up to him, pointing.
"I know you!"
"Of course you do,smart girl you are," the man chuckled. He was the same one from the restaurant and the ball game with her mami and daddy. "Toni, right? I saw you running, you're very fast."
"I am!" Toni said proudly,drawing herself up. "I am very,very fast! Wanna see me run some more!" She started running back and forth, looking to see that the man was looking. When he clapped for her, she grinned.
"Very fast, you're right. Hey Toni, you remember how I know your mami, right? Would you mind me asking you a few things she forgot to tell me?"
Stevie was not looking forward to recess today. Toni's class was going to be there and whenever she was, she would always do something to make him roll his eyes. She always knew how to embarrass him, waving her hands around when she would do something. Once, one of the kids in his class laughed at her and Stevie had to tell him not to. He didn't understand why he was protective of her. All he knew was that he didn't want anyone making fun of her. Well, except him of course. He's the exception.
Today, he was expecting the same things to happen. Toni would do something silly and wave at him proudly. He would pretend like he was annoyed (even if deep down, he was smiling at her) and went about his time. But that didn't happen at all. The moment the bell rang and they were out in the playground, he saw him. The same guy from the baseball games. The guy that had made Santana sad.
Stevie didn't like that guy and he didn't like that he was talking to Toni either, so he went to stand next to Toni. "You! What are you doing here?" He asked, glaring. His arms were folded and his eyes were shooting daggers at the man.
"Toni, he's a bad man. He made Tana sad. Don't talk to him." He told Toni.
Antonia looked up at Sam, frowning at him. "That isn't a nice thing to say. I don't think he's a bad man. I think he's nice. He says I'm pretty and run fast. Those are nice things to say."
She looked up at Kyle, cocking her head. "You aren't a bad man, right? Did you really make my mami sad?"
Kyle smirked back at Stevie, folding his arms over his chest in mocking attitude as he copied his posture. "Last I checked this is public property, kid. And you really should watch who you call names. Picking up habits from Santana, I see. And here you are calling me the bad one."
He looked back at Antonia, gentling his tone. "Nah, I'm not bad. Your mami was sad because she knows that she's been keeping big secrets from you, and she knew I wanted to tell you the secrets. She thinks you're too little to hear, but you aren't little, are you?"
"No! No, I'm big!" Antonia exclaimed, moving closer. "What big secrets? I wanna know!"
Stevie glared at this man. He was saying mean things about Tana and he didn't like it. "Don't be silly, Toni. He's only saying those things to get close to you. What did we learn about strangers? What did your mommy say about talking to him?"
All this while, he was staring daggers at the man, his stance remained the same. He was going to protect Toni at all cost. "You should leave Mister. This is a school and you are not a teach or parent. I'm gonna tell my teacher on you." He said in a huff.
Antonia frowned, looking between Stevie and Kyle in confusion. "He isn't a stranger though. I've seen him three whole times now. I just can't remember his name is all."
"It's Kyle," Kyle informed her, ignoring Stevie for the moment. "You're right, I'm not a stranger. In fact, your mami is keeping secret from you who I really am, because she feels guilty about it."
Looking at Stevie, he said coolly, "Oh, is that what you think? Truth is, I am a parent, kid. I'm Toni's parent. I have every right to be here. It's your precious Tana who's keeping me from my rights." Looking back at Toni, he added, "That's what your mami isn't telling you, Toni. I'm your daddy- your really daddy."
Antonia looked at him with wide eyes, her mouth dropping open. "You ARE?" Stevie didn't like this at all. Toni didn't understand that this man is bad. He had hurt Santana and yet she was still so trusting of him. That annoyed the little boy beyond words and now he was saying that he is Toni's daddy.
"Toni! Don't listen to him. Sammy is your daddy. This man is not." He chided.
Then he looked at the man. "I don't care what you say you are. You are not her daddy and you were mean to Santana. I don't like you. Go away now before I call my teacher!" He said this his voice raising and by now he had moved in front of Toni, to block the man from her.
Sammy always said that he should protect Toni because he was bigger and he was doing that now.
Antonia frowned, her eyes shifting between Stevie and Kyle in confusion, her mouth still open a little. She didn't know what to think. The man seemed nice to her but Stevie was upset, and he thought he had been mean to her mother. Her mami had been sad and mad when he was around…was he lying? Or was she sad and mad because this man really was her daddy? Why wouldn't she tell Antonia that?
""But my daddy is Sammy," she told Kyle, bewildered. Then, tugging at Stevie's sleeve, she added, "But I had a different daddy too. Maybe they're both my daddies."
Kyle held up his hands as though in surrender, already backing off. "It's the truth. You ask your mami and see what she says. No need to get all macho, kid, I'm gone. Just ask your mami though…ask her." And he started to walk off, leaving Antonia and Stevie looking after him.
Stevie didn't falter. If this man was Toni's daddy, Tana would have said something. She didn't say anything and the little boy wasn't convinced that this bad man was not lying to them. "I don't know, Toni, you will have to talk to your mommy."
He was thankful that Kyle didn't planned on staying. He was backing off and walking away within seconds. When Stevie saw that he was far away enough, he turned back to Toni and scolded her. "Why did you talk to him? He could have taken you away. Did you want to be taken away?"
"He wouldn't take me away," Antonia argued, frowning back at Stevie. "He is too nice. He says nice things and he likes me a lot. What if he really is my daddy, Stevie?" The idea alarmed her as much as intrigued her, and her face scrunched up with worry. "What if Sammy can't be my daddy anymore 'cause Kyle is my daddy?"
"That's what you think. They say that bad people act all nice to kids they want to take away. They give them candy and stuff before they take him away. He could take you away, Toni!" Stevie was angry now. He still didn't understand how Toni didn't see the danger in talking to that man. "I don't know, but you need to talk to Tana. Don't believe him until you talk to her. She's your mommy and she won't lie to you."
"But if they're bad why would they give you candy? Bad people should give you bad stuff and be mean if they're bad." That's what makes sense to Toni. She folded her arms, getting a little huffy now that Stevie was so mad at her. "Are you mad 'cause I might get two whole daddies?"
"Because they want you to trust them, dummy!" Stevie couldn't believe that he was arguing with Toni about this. It should just make sense to her, but it wasn't and it was making Stevie mad. "No, I don't care about your two daddies. I got Sammy and Tana. I'm don't care about daddies."
"I am not a dummy! You're a dummy!" Antonia shouted back. Scowling at Stevie, she narrowed her eyes. "I'm telling mami and daddy you called me a dummy."
"You are a dummy. You talked to that man. I'm gonna tell Tana and she's going to spank you." Stevie shot back, scowling back at Toni. "I'm not scared of you. You should be scared of that man. He was a bad man."
"I am not! My mami will not. She'll spank you!" Antonia was getting loud now, stomping her feet. "You are super mean to me!"
"No she won't! Your butt is gonna get spanked!" Stevie retorted, glaring at the girl. "You're being dumb!"
His teacher came to them to stop the shouting match that was happening. She told them both that she was going to have to tell Tana about what happened and he didn't even care. He knew this time that he wasn't in the wrong.
That afternoon, when Tana came to pick them up, he was the first one to speak up. "Tana, Toni talked to that bad man. He said that he was her daddy. I told her not to talk to him cause' he's a bad guy, but she won't listen. So I called her a dummy." Stevie said all this in one breath, not even worried that she might have missed what he was telling her.
As soon as she saw her mother, Antonia too clamored to get in her own tattling. Tugging at her Santana's arm, she informed her, "Stevie called me a dummy a LOT and said I needed a spanking! I think he needs a spanking, mami, don't you? Don't you? Are you gonna give him a spanking now?"
But Santana wasn't listening to Toni. She had eyes only for Stevie then. Mouth dropping, she knelt down in front of him, taking hold of his shoulders and holding on intently. "The man from the ball game? He came here, to this school? When? Where? He was talking to Toni?" Her heart was racing, and already fury and panic had her shaking with adrenaline. Kyle had been around her daughter when she wasn't even there?!
Stevie ignored Toni and was going to go into another rant but right now he couldn't because Tana was asking him a million questions. "Yes. That's the same man. The man that was making you sad. He came to talk to Toni during recess and he said that he's Toni's daddy. Is he Toni's daddy?" She asked the last part with child like wonder.
Santana struggled to process this, not letting go of Stevie and not answering him at first. She barely even heard his question. She wanted then to storm out the parking lot and hunt Kyle down and cause him physical harm with her bare hands, if not her car, but she couldn't and she knew it. Instead she took in a shaky breath, suddenly letting go of Stevie, and turned on Toni, who had been tugging at her,miffed she was being ignored. Shaking her off, she started to raise her voice, almost shouting.
"Antonia Cristina,if that man ever comes near you again don't say a word to him. Not one word!"
Antonia frowned up at her, her brow furrowed, lips puckering. She wasn't used to her mother looking at her so angrily,like she was ready to hit her,and didn't comprehend it was more so Kyle that she was so upset with. She blinked back tears, sidling closer to Stevie as though for protection.
"He didn't look bad…he said he was my daddy."
Stevie hadn't realized that Tana was holding on to him at first. He was more concerned about getting Toni's butt into trouble. It was only after he almost stumbled that he caught on to what Tana was doing. He had every intention on making Toni pay for what she did, but then he saw her reaction. She looked so scared and was moving close to him as if asking for protection. "Tana, let her go." He said in a weak voice.
Santana wasn't even touching Antonia, but Antonia regardless hooked her fingers into Stevie's shirt, hiding behind him. Seeing how scared the children looked, Santana tried to calm down, taking a deep breath. Closing her eyes briefly, she knelt down again, touching both their arms.
"Stevie…Toni…I'm just upset because I hate thinking of you not being safe. I don't want you to talk to that man. If he comes up to you again, come get me or Sam or your teacher."
"Mami…why did he say he's my daddy?" Toni asked in a small voice, and Santana froze. She didn't want to answer, but she didn't want to lie either.
Stevie's words seemed to calm Tana down a little. She was speaking in a softer tone now and not acting all scary anymore. He nodded at her and said, "I promise. Toni, you need to promise too, okay? That man is bad. I told you he is." He only did that so that she wouldn't get even more trouble, but Toni was Toni after all. Who knows what she was going to say…
Wide eyed, Toni nodded, still clutching Stevie with one hand. She stuck her thumb in her mouth with her other as she looked up at her mother. Santana reached for them both, hugging them both to her, and prayed they couldn't feel how fast her heart was beating. When she released them, standing, she took their hands in firm grips and walked to the car, texting Sam the minute they were buckled in.
Santana:THAT BASTARD WAS AT THEIR SCHOOL SAM!
Sam:Are you kidding? This is ridiculous. How could the school just let him in like that?
Santana:He was at the playground! He's stalking them!
Sam:We need a bodyguards for them, babe. This is crazy!
Santana:He told Toni he's her father. Again. She's asking questions, SAm, both of them are!
Sam:It's time you tell her the truth, Tana.
Santana:She's four years old.
Santana:She's four, Sam.
Santana:How do you tell a four year old her father didn't want her and now he's acting like he does just to hurt me?
Sam:I know how old she is, Tana.
Sam:I don't like that you have to do this, but sometimes you need to tell them the hard truths.
Sam:Do it before she end up resenting you.
Santana:What am I supposed to say?
The children were very quiet as Santana drove them home, which would have been enough to raise her suspicion or alarm if she didn't already know what the problem was. There was no pinching or pushing or tattling, no name calling or kicking, and in fact, when she looked back in the rearview mirror at them, she saw that the hand that wasn't sticking Toni's thumb in her mouth was nestled securely in Stevie's. And even more remarkable, Stevie wasn't pushing her away.
She had scared the children in how she had acted towards them this afternoon, after what they told her about Kyle. Santana knew that, and she hated it, hated to think that her daughter would ever think that she would slap her face or really scream at her for something she hadn't understood. Santana didn't want to talk to her about why she was really so upset, but she knew it was needed, and so she took several deep breaths as she drove, steeling herself for it, and hating Kyle every mile closer to home for what he was making her have to do.
As they pulled up into the driveway, she got out first, helping the kids undo their seatbelts and lifting Toni out of her booster seat. She took hold of her hand, giving her a smile as she gently tugged her fingers out of her mouth and addressed Stevie.
"Stevie, Toni and I need to have a talk, so I'm going to get you a snack, and then I want you to play with your game or watch TV while we go up to her room. Call for me if you need me."
She waited for Stevie to nod his compliance before she got Toni's snack, brought it with her into the living room, and set it on the coffee table, sitting down with her. She waited for Toni to finish and texted Sam several times for support before she faced her, taking a deep breath, and reached out to squeeze her hand.
"Toni, I know you have a lot of questions about the man you saw at school and at the game and in the diner back in Ohio. He's been saying some strange and confusing things to you, and you don't know what to think. Well, I have some very important things to tell you, and I need you to listen like a big girl for me and try to understand."
She took another breath, her stomach taut, already fighting emotion, and looked down at her daughter's wide, confused eyes. Swallowing, she pulled Toni into her lap, smoothing back her hair from her forehead and wrapping her arms around her. She wanted to feel her daughter close to her for her own comfort more than Toni's as she explained to her what Santana herself could barely begin to understand.
"Toni, that man wasn't lying to you when he said he was your father. He is your father. He was the other person that helped you be born into this world with me. But Sam is your daddy now. Being a father and a daddy are different things. A father is someone that helps make a baby be born. A man can be a father, but not a good daddy. Sam isn't your father, because he didn't help you be born. But he is your daddy. A daddy is someone who loves you and takes care of you and protects you. A daddy tucks you in at night and reads you stories and helps you when you're hurt or sick. Sam is your daddy and he loves you so much. But Kyle is your father."
Antonia looked up at her with solemn eyes, her brow puckered with her confusion as she tried to understand. Santana hugged her, thinning her lips, and waited for the explosion of questions she knew would come.
"But if Kyle is my father, how come he's not my daddy too? Don't some people have a guy who is a father and a daddy? How come I get a father and a daddy?"
Santana paused, trying to think of how to answer this. In the end the truth was all she could come up with.
"Toni, Kyle could have been your father and your daddy. But he didn't want to be. When you were just a little baby in my stomach, and I didn't know if you would be a boy Tony or a girl Toni yet, Kyle told me that he didn't want to be your daddy. He told me that he wouldn't help me with you and then he left me and didn't talk to me again."
She looked down at Toni, watching her response, and wasn't surprised when her eyes filled up with tears. Toni's voice shook as she said in a soft tone, "He didn't want to be my daddy? Didn't he like me none?"
Her heart hurting for her daughter, Santana kissed her nose, hugging her close to her again, and stroked her hair. "Baby, he didn't even know you to know if he liked you or not. He just wasn't ready to be a daddy, anyone's daddy. We were very young and your father didn't want to have to take care of anyone but himself. I know that's a lot for you to understand but it wasn't your fault and it didn't have anything to do with you. You're a special, amazing, smart, beautiful girl, you're Sam's princess and my baby, and your father has been missing out all this time. The reason that Sam chose to be your daddy is because he knows who you are, he knows how wonderful you are and he loved you so much he picked you out of all the little girls in the world. Just like I picked that I wanted to be not just your mother but your mami."
She watched Antonia trying to digest this and understand, still blinking back tears, her lips puckered up. Santana poked her lips gently, trying to make her smile, and cuddled her as Toni finally spoke again.
"So does he want to be my second daddy now? Is that how come he's talking to me saying he's my daddy? Did he change my mind 'cause he thinks I'm awesome too?"
Santana bit the inside of her cheeks, again trying to figure out how to break the news to Toni gently.
"Baby, I'm sure he can see how awesome you are, but it's too late for him to be your daddy even if he wanted to be. And the reason he really wants to see you is just like Stevie said, because he's not a very nice man, and he might not be safe. You don't need to talk to him. I know he's your father, but just like we don't talk to people we don't know without an adult with us, you don't talk to your father without me or Sam with you. He is very mad at me and he might do something mean or silly because of that, and that wouldn't be fair to you. I want you to not talk to him and let me know if you see him again."
Antonia seemed to be thinking about this, and then she put her arms around Santana's neck and snuggled in, resting her head against her chest.
"I don't like that, mami. I don't like him being mean to you and mad at you when you've been my very good mami and he wouldn't even be my daddy. I think he's mean not to be my daddy."
Santana kissed the top of her head, cuddling her back. "I know, baby. I think so too. And that's why you need to know how lucky you are that Sam is your daddy and a good daddy to you, because he didn't have to be, but he wanted to be."
"I'm glad you're my mami too," Antonia said earnestly, still cuddling close. "You didn't have to be my mami just like Kyle isn't my daddy but you were anyway. So thank you for being my good mami. I love you very much and I'm glad you're my mami and not someone else."
Santana felt her eyes fill with tears, but she blinked them back, not wanting Antonia to misunderstand. Kissing her daughter again, she nodded.
"I'm glad too. I'm so glad that you're my little girl and I'm your mami."
And she was. Kyle really didn't know what he was missing.
Santana was still reeling a little from her talk with Toni. She had sent her to play games with Stevie and had focused on chores just to keep her mind off it. Putting down the dish she had been loading into the dishwasher, she turned into Sam's embrace and kissed him back, sighing.
"He's an underhanded asshole. I talked to Toni."
Sam kept hugging Santana, kissing her neck, the act both calming him down and trying to do the same for his fiancee. He pulled back a minute later and looked into her eyes. " What did Princess say? She wasn't mad, was she?"
Santana calmed further with his touch, leaning into him. She sighed, biting her lip, and spoke softly at his question. "She wasn't mad. She wanted to know if her father didn't like her. She was sad, a little. But then she hugged me and said she was glad I was her mami and her mother and thanked me. And now I just want to cry because she shouldn't have to thank me for wanting to be her mami."
"Kyle is an idiot. How could he not love his own daughter?" Sam was happy to hear that Toni hadn't made a fuss. He smiled, feeling proud of his little girl and how kind she was turning out to be. "She's a good girl and she's proud of you. Hell, I'm proud of you. You've done a great job raising her, Tana. Be proud of that." He kissed her forehead. " If you want to cry, I'm right here."
"I think she thought she did something wrong before she was even born that would make him not want her. She's confused. I mean, how can a kid understand that her parent didn't want her? Kids can only make sense of it by thinking it has to be their fault." Santana tried to smile, but it went a little wobbly and she pressed her face into his chest. "Shit. Sorry. I just...god, I hate that my baby has to think for even a second that it's her fault that he's a shitty person who's too damn selfish to care about her."
"It's not her fault and maybe I should have a talk with her too. She's my daughter now too, even if she's not legally mine, she's my daughter and she needs to know that she's precious and that we love her. Kyle is an idiot for not seeing her as the beautiful girl that she is." Sam pulled Santana close to his chest and kissed her forehead. "It's not. Nothing is her fault, maybe you're just worried for nothing. Maybe she really is fine with everything."
"I know it's not. I think she's okay. I really do." Santana blinked into his chest, still unsettled, before whispering, " I think I'm not right now though."
"So you're the one who's really upset now?" Sam sighed, looking into her eyes. "What can I do for you? I hate when you're sad. It makes me feel useless."
Santana nodded, trying at first to avoid his eyes, but then giving in and letting him see hers, that they're teary. " Just hold me a while?"
"Okay… " Sam held Santana in his arms. He couldn't do much for her, but right now, he could hold her. "It will be okay, Tana. It will be okay."
She took a few minutes to gather herself before finally lifting up her head with another breath, looking up at Sam. "Okay…we need a plan. What do we do now?"
Sam let Santana have her moment and simply held her in his arms. "We do need a plan. First thing is we need to get something done about Kyle. He cannot come to Toni again. God knows what else he's capable of the next time…"
"So body guards? Or restraining order?" She pulled back, running a hand through her hair.
"We could do both if it will make you feel better."
"I want to at least try."
"Okay, we can do both. I'll start putting out ads for the bodyguard and I'll call my lawyer, he should know how to go about getting a restraining order."
"Okay," Santana exhaled, giving him another squeeze. "Should I tell Mami?"
"You probably should. Maybe we should fly her out here. She should be able to watch the kids when you and I aren't here," Sam told her, squeezing back.
"She has a job, babe…should she really come? I'd like her to though."
"I know, but I can help to take care of her bills. You need her right now. That's what's important." Sam pulled Santana back into his arms and kissed her on the forehead.
This was true. Santana wanted her mother with her, with Toni and Stevie, and she smiled back at Sam, grateful he knows this and understands. "Yeah. I guess I do. "