Hey :) hope all of you had great holidays! Here it is snowing since this morning and I still can't believe it o.o

But back to business. Again, it has taken me so long to update which I am very sorry about, but other than simply being busy like always, it had a very personal reason which was that one of my cats was diagnosed with a brain tumor and we had to put him to sleep about a week later. Therefore it was a very dark November and difficult December for. I just hope that you understand that writing under these circumstances it wasn't easy for me to write anything.

julia: THANK YOU SO MUCH for not only reviewing once, but twice for the last chapter and thank you so much for those kind words of yours, it makes me super happy that you enjoy this story so much and of course I could never leave you or any of my other readers hanging. :) So, rest assured, I'm not abandoning this story or my other Malec AU 'Wanted'. I hope, you'll like this chapter as well.

BIG THANKS to my awesome Beta alexa-hallywell who was once again super fast.

Disclaimer: I don't own TMI, and I probably never will. The quote Magnus uses is from the movie 'SoulSurfer' - though I might have altered it a bit, I'm not sure.

Chapter 9

Everybody always tells you about that magic moment of your first kiss, your first time. But what happens after that? You can't build relationships on one moment and neither on magic.

There's something you have to find that nobody tells you about because you have to discover it yourself to fully understand the magic. A magic that lasts because it's the enjoyment of each other's closeness and as long as you stay close that magic won't fade. That's something you can build a successful marriage on … or at least a flat share without developing the desire to kill each other.

There had been a time when Alec actually had believed it to be possible for him to make Magnus stay with him, to sever whatever bonds kept him tied to Camille … if he'd play his cards right, it might be possible. It had been kind of their month of competition after the coffee-incident. Till that point Magnus' only motivation to go to France after graduation was his girlfriend who had family there, not much else. And that he found France fascinating, but who didn't.

But then at the end of said month the last day came when Camille played her trump.

"She got you a job? "

"Yes! Isn't that amazing? Well, it's more an opportunity at a job interview, but she has already shown them a few of the photographs I made, and they really liked them"

Alec swallowed heavily which he tried to hide behind his cup of coffee along with the rest of his low face. He could raise his eyebrows in honest surprise, but even if his life would have depended on it he couldn't have smiled … maybe if it was the life of his sister, but for his own - not a chance.

It just wasn't possible as he blankly stared at the shattered remains of his Happy Ending.

"Yeah", he finally managed to choke out. "That's great"

He'd never been good at smiling when he felt like crying though he'd gotten a whole lot better at doing it after meeting Magnus.

When he'd first met Magnus, Alec had never expected that flashy guy to be into photography. It wasn't fashion or something equally flashy that those pictures were focused on. No, he took pictures of people at their college or at the mall or there could be landscapes seen, beautiful landscapes. Magnus loved to travel around the world and as soon as he had a bit of money saved and they had holidays he escaped to some place where he spent a few days, sometimes a week. When he got back he showed Alec the pictures he'd taken and those he hadn't yet posted online. Of course Camille got to see them first.

At their college Magnus mostly used the camera on his phone because it was easier to carry that around with him than the big case with his digital camera. He took pictures of people sitting at the cafeteria, hurrying across campus, sitting in the sun, freezing their butts off while smoking outside in the winter.

From time to time during boring classes Magnus let Alec browse the pictures he currently had on his phone. There were also tons of pictures of Camille. She was beautiful in every one of them. Alec wanted to have a printed version of them, so he could cut her face out or at least stab her smiling face with something sharp.

Not once had there been a photo of Alec among the thousands of them.

Alec had never asked Magnus to take a picture of him or why he hadn't already done it. He didn't want to know the answer because he knew it would hurt. Those things always did with Magnus.

"I mean, first I was actually leaving for France, like really leaving and living there - you know, my French is kind of awful, but now …" Magnus took a deep breath while Alec wished to have alcohol instead of coffee. "Gosh, I still can't believe it."

He had lost.

Around the third week living with them, Chairman Meow had developed the habit of sleeping/sitting/standing in Magnus' spot on the couch. Or on the couch at all. First it had been at times when Magnus was out for work or when he was shopping. Alec had thought of it as a sign of the cat missing Magnus and found it adorable. Now the Chairman occupied the couch in a way that made it nearly impossible for Magnus to sleep on it and Alec started to suspect the feline to have an evil master plan to take over the apartment … or the living room area. And he found it slightly distressing.

"He is in my spot."

Trying to fight down a yawn, Alec stared at Magnus who stood in the doorway of his bedroom with his arms crossed in front of his chest like some highly offended celebrity.

"And you are not able to put your head somewhere because it would have the wrong distance to bathroom or what, Sheldon?", Alec asked mockingly. Yes, he could be an early riser, but if you interfered with his carefully constructed sleeping cycle and he was … not happy. Sadly, the aggressive mood arising from such disturbance seemed to be something people could get used to because Magnus didn't back away an inch from Alec's glare.

"Don't mock me at such an early hour, Lightwood", Magnus growled. He didn't have a carefully constructed sleeping cycle, he just liked to sleep in. But they definitely had the preference in common that they didn't appreciate being interrupted during the night. Alec even threatened his old college-roommate once when he interrupted one of his all-nighters. The roommate had moved out as soon as possible and from that day onward Alec had had the luxury of a single room and an even worse reputation. Though shortly before stumbling across Magnus at the cafeteria there had been one fearless freshman who had stayed till Alec's graduation.

"You would be surprised how much space can be occupied by such a small cat." And with those words Alec got grabbed by the wrist and dragged into the living room. Magnus let go of his wrist when they reached the couch. He only pointed at the sleeping Chairman on said piece of furniture. Alec shifted his glare from the back of Magnus head to the cat and his initial spontaneous, not very nice complaint towards his roommate died on his lips. For a few moments the two of them only stood there staring at the Chairman, a small cat, a surprisingly … flexible cat.

"I didn't know they were able to bend that way", Alec muttered as he tilted his head in an attempt to comprehend the cat's position. "Is that his hindfoot up there?"

"I think so", Magnus said. He had let go of Alec's wrist and rather than being annoyed at the cat that had made it impossible for him to crawl back under his blanket after a quick visit to the bathroom, he found himself more fascinated by the way Alec crossed his arms above his head while bending his body to the right. „Are you seriously reenacting the cat's sleeping position?", he eventually asked with a deadly flatness.

"Shut up, it's late and I am a naturally curious human being", Alec shot back without taking his eyes of the Chairman. A few heartbeats later he straightened up again and declared:

"Nope, could never sleep like that."

Then he turned around and would have almost made it back into his bedroom, but Magnus was faster. He caught the writer by his wrist again - The other one this time - and the skin he touched tingled with a weird sensation of warmth. "Not that fast, Mr. Curious and Flexible." The glare was back on Alec's face at the nickname, but the time Magnus would get intimidated by it in a situation like this hadn't come yet. "The problem of where I am supposed to sleep for the rest of the night still stays unsolved."

Alec's apartment wasn't small, but wasn't really big either. For possible sleeping places there only was the couch and then … well, Alec's bed. Alec already knew how this would play out, but he wasn't quite ready to acknowledge it yet. Slowly he turned around to face Magnus.

"What are you thinking about?"

Now Alec was at the receiving end of the glare and he didn't like it. Magnus snorted in disbelieve.

"What do you think? Just let me crash in your bed for the night because I definitely won't be sleeping on the floor."

"Why?" Well, nobody could say that Alec Lightwood wasn't a stubborn person at inappropriate times. Yes, he thought with mock pride, what many talents I have. Magnus only cocked an eyebrow and crossed his arms in front of his chest once again. This situation had an awful deja-vu-aftertaste.

"Because I am not some cruel person that shoves sleeping cats from couches or pillows or chairs or pretty much everything they decide to sleep on?", Magnus replied drily.

Alec pursed his lips and crossed his arms in front of his chest as well, though he did it in a more uncomfortable way. He couldn't deny the logic behind Magnus' argument. Then again he pondered what made him hesitate to let Magnus sleep in his bed in the first place. It sure as hell wouldn't be the first time.

… but it had never been like this.

Having sex and falling asleep afterwards in the same bed was one thing, not having sex and simply sharing said bed in a friendly/domestic matter was something entirely different. At least it was so for Alec. It felt like crossing some sort of line, the one he had already come dangerously close to when he'd slept with Magnus due to his writer's block - that time it had been somehow more than sex. It hadn't just cured his block. It had changed something between them, something was there that hadn't been there back in college.

It scared Alec. He was scared of things changing between them - he had never been a great fan of change to begin with - and at the same time it scared him how much he wanted that change to happen. The wholetime after Magnus came to live with him there had been a thin wall of glass remaining between them. A wall that Alec had taken comfort in because it meant a certain security for his heart, he could lean against it whenever he didn't completely trust his legs. But then again he had also been annoyed greatly by it because it gave him that comfort. It was like breathing used air, the same air over and over again. There was nothing new.

For once in his life Alec didn't want the comfort of stability. He didn't want things to stay the same. He wanted to be scared. He wanted to feel the fear cold and piercing on his skin. He craved the change. He wanted to see that little crack in the glass widen, broaden. He wanted to hear the glass breaking, shattering. He wanted to feel warm skin without those kisses that always felt like he was asking for permission. He was curious of the fall for the first time in his life and it was so close.

'Reach out', a tiny voice whispered in the back of his mind.

"I promise, I won't touch you, Alec, I'm just going to lay there and sleep. Perfectly harmless. I won't even try something … or think about trying something."

Alec blinked as he was torn from his racing thoughts. Magnus must have seen his inner turmoil playing out on his face, maybe in his eyes. He had always been able to read them like books, like neatly written letters, but only to jump to the wrong conclusions. It was almost hilarious that everything that kind of had been built up between them during the past weeks, everything that somehow had been forgotten over the past years … that it would come down to something silly like this.

It was the first step and there was no way to predict where it would lead to.

"No", Alec whispered absent-mindedly. He was still halfway caught in his thoughts, the feeling of thin glass against his fingertips.

"I'm not scared of that."

Magnus had hugged him so many times before, had done in about a thousand different ways, but never with the intention Alec had wished for. Alec looked up at his roommate wondering if that really was the right word.

"I'm not scared of you."

There had been honest worry in the expression of Magnus' face, the strong desire to be believed in his eyes and it felt so damn good to wash all of it away with nothing more than a few words and a smile. Worry turned into an answering smile.

"That's a good thing."

"I guess so." A soft chuckle tickled Alec's lips and he stepped aside to let Magnus into his bedroom. "Come on in."

The apartment was blanketed with soft, warm silence. There was het innocent padding of naked feet against the floor, almost cautious steps across the room. And then there was the sound of thin glass turning to dust.

Alec's new roommate had once asked him what exactly that relationship-thing was that he had going on with Magnus. Alec had told him that it wasn't a relationship. They weren't friends with benefits either because they weren't really friends, right? It was nothing more than a simple affair as Magnus still had a girlfriend. They were nothing special.

The roommate had let out a low whistle and muttered something close to: "Sounds like a lot of heartbreak."

Alec had only shrugged his shoulders and muttered: "I'm fine."

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

I'm fine.

It became his mantra over the next weeks and even more the closer their graduation got. He drowned himself in studying things he already knew by heart. He asked Magnus for study sessions as often as possible because their nights together grew rare. Camille was glued to his side whenever she could with that spiteful look in her green eyes whenever they met Alec's blue ones. It hurt. Alec would be lying to himself if he'd say otherwise.

It hurt in a completely new way. The only time he could get Magus alone was to study because Camille had different classes and therefore no real excuse to stick around. Alec liked to think that Magnus was always relieved when he asked for them to study together.

Magnus' behavior changed as well. Nothing major. There were little things. Maybe it was only visible to Alec who found himself watching the taller student more closely with the days to their graduation passing by. His shoulders were slumped. His eyes seemed dull. He looked tired and exhausted. Maybe there were shadows under his eyes from not sleeping enough, but Alec was never really sure about that and he didn't ask because who was he to ask those questions? Who was he to worry? Camille was his girlfriend, the one who should address that worry. But she was too busy shooting hateful glances at Alec.

Then something happened that made Alec forget about Magnus for some time, but it was short-lived.

There had been a car accident in which the youngest Lightwood-sibling had been involved. Alec's sister Isabelle called him one afternoon when he'd been on his way to one of his study sessions with Magnus. Isabelle was crying, sobbing, choking out only single words that slowly fused into a greater, terrifying picture. Alec stopped dead in his tracks, not caring that he was standing in the middle of the hallway. People bumped into him, but all he could hear was his sister's soft sobbing.

They were at the hospital. Max was unconscious. The doctors had said that the following night would decide if he'd make it or not. Their parents were arguing loudly. Nobody could really say how it had happened, but everybody blamed the other and Isabelle tried blocking out their voices by talking to Alec and pressing her free hand against the other ear.

Alec canceled the study session by writing a quick note and showing it to Magnus who was already waiting for him at the library. Alec didn't want to get off the phone, not wanting to leave Isabelle alone for even a second, and Magnus only looked at him and nodded. Before Alec could turn around to get back to his dorm room, Magnus got up from his seat and pulled him into a strong hug.

It was awkward because Alec was still on the phone and he couldn't hug back. But somehow it was still a perfect moment in their messed up little world.

Alec crawled into the warmth of Magnus' body that he had experienced so many times already, but never like this. A calm hand silently moved up and down his back, the other resting on the back of his neck, just being there. Then there was the whispering voice of his younger sister who seemed to have calmed down and not for the first time Alec wondered if it was a sibling-thing.

"I'll keep you updated, Alec, as soon as I know something new I'll call you."

Alec nodded, his face hidden on the crook of Magnus' neck. "Thank you, Izzy", he whispered. "And call me if something else is up. If you just want to talk or whatever else … I'll leave my phone on and no matter what time it is, call me, text me … whatever."

Alec wanted to be there, but he knew that he couldn't. He would get into an argument with his parents about things that weren't important right now. It wouldn't help Max to get better faster or Izzy to be more comfortable.

"Stay safe, Izzy", he eventually said, his voice slightly muffled by the fabric of Magnus' shirt.

"Thank you for listening", Isabelle replied and Alec was glad about the smile he could hear in those words. His own lips curved into a smile at the sound.

"Always, Iz, always."

It was their way of saying goodbye, exchanging ‚See you soon's and telling each other that they loved the other one. It was their secret way of talking, of saying so much more than the mere words the exchanged over the phone.

The line went dead.

Slowly Alec pulled the phone from his ear. It was quite a challenge because Magnus didn't seem eager to let him go and Alec was thankful for being held this close. He could collapse right there and he knew he'd be held till he could trust his own legs again. But soon he'd have to stand on his own again, soon he'd stand alone again. Magnus would be gone for good.

With the phone still in his hand Alec wrapped his arms around the other, hugged him back, silently thanking him for being there and not asking questions that couldn't be answered at the moment anyway.

Are you alright? I don't know.

Do you want to talk about it? I don't know.

Are you going to be okay or do you want me to stay with you?

STAY!

Fear cursed through his body like cold wind, pain he didn't understand pounded in his veins. It was his heartbeat that never had felt so foreign in his own body. What are you beating for little heart?

Since the quarrel with his parents after coming out, after saying no to their plans of his future, Alec had always been shaken with the fear of losing. He had lost a part of him that day and he was afraid to loose even more with every person leaving his life. They always took pieces of him with them and one day he would just fade away. But then he came to understand that he could survive without them, that he could keep all those shards that he was the sum of. He knew their shape and he could put himself together whenever he got shattered.

Though it didn't mean that the process of shattering became less painful.

Do something, his heart whispered, blood pounding in his ears. You can't do anything about Max's constitution. The next night would show how things would turn out. But he could do something about Magnus because somewhere among his many fears of losing there was the fear of losing Magnus vicious and alive.

Do it. Reach out! Don't let go!

"Stay with me."

It was such a clear thought, yet the words still felt raw on his lips, rough stone scraping across wood. But they were out. Finally he'd said it.

"Of course, I can keep Camille off my back for at least the night."

It still wasn't enough. Whatever Alec said, it wasn't enough to get Magnus to understand, whatever he tried, it wasn't enough to get the recognition from his parents. It was never enough and Alec was so tired. He only dug his fingers deeper into the fabric of Magnus' shirt, pressed his face against the skin of the others neck trying to drown out his screaming thoughts that wanted to get past his lips, but couldn't.

Stay with me.

Stay with me here.

Don't go to France!

DON'T LEAVE ME!

If this was all he'd get, he'd take it even if it hurt. He was stubborn like that.

The next time Alec called Isabelle, he was the one crying and he didn't know which shard piercing his heart was the reason. Max got better, but after this night Alec felt like he himself was in a coma.

He watched the outside world, everything with some sort of detached interest. His mind was working, his body was working, he passed his exams with good grades - his parents would have been proud if they'd cared - but somewhere during the morning after the last night he spent with Magnus, his heart just stopped caring.

Sharing a bed was easier said than done. Whenever they'd shared a bed it had been after sex and kind of convenient. There hadn't been much thought to spend on who took which side of the bed and where that bed actually ends as that bed was only meant for one person … or in Alec's case for one person and a lot of pens and pens and paper.

Those got placed on the floor next to the bed following a system Magnus would never get. Then Alec lifted the blanket, crawled under it and turned off the light. Magnus, who was still standing next to the bed - now in almost complete darkness - struggled with himself if he should find this display of social awkwardness somehow endearing or terribly annoying. He decided that he was too tired for such a decision.

"Could you please turn the light back on?"

There was rustling of fabric and Magnus could make out the silhouette of a pale arm reaching for the light switch. Only a second later the room was once again bathed in light and Magnus hurried to get under the blanket as well before Alec would change his mind about the bed-sharing … or the light.

As soon as he had lied down the light got extinguished again. Blanketed by the most awkward silence Magnus had ever experienced he stared at the ceiling. There were three of the glow in the dark-stars softly glowing in the dark. Alec must have slipped them in his pocket when they'd hung them up in the living room.

"You could have just asked", Magnus whispered absent-mindedly as his mind started wandering. There was a growing cold in his chest as he remembered that this had always been an issue with Alec.

Slowly Magnus turned his head trying to make out the mop of black hair that he had kind of started missing waking up to since their final days of college. Camille's blond locks had never been quite the same as those raven strands. But the way Alec lay there with his back towards Magnus and the greatest distance between them that was possible in the current situation. As if he still wanted to run away.

Magnus had never felt so lonely.

"Alec?", he asked, his voice like that careful first stroke of color on a clean canvas. Alec moved. Magnus could hear the fabric rustling, but the sound was shy like the boy hiding beneath them sometimes. The movement stopped and once again there was silence, more aggressive this time, more fragile, hurtful if you'd dare to get too close. "Are you still wake?"

Magnus didn't get an answer, but Alec turned around to lie on his back. Then he moved his face so he could look directly at his roommate. Magnus was in the same position. For a few fleeting heartbeats they only looked at each other. Alec's eyes almost glowed in the darkness, but maybe that was just the glow of the stars on the ceiling getting caught in those eyes, that Magnus had often doubted to be real.

"You are still scared of something."

It wasn't a question, so there was no right answer.

"There will always be fear, that's how we live, that's how we survive", Alec whispered, his gaze unwavering, entangled with Magnus' own. But survival wasn't living. Never was, never will.

"So, what are you scared of?"

"I'm hurt."

Darkness brought courage and Magnus could see the expression in Alec's eyes growing more sure by the second. A part of him was glad that he could get the writer to talk about something he'd kept hidden for so long. The other part was terrified of what would happen next. Alec is right, Magnus thought, there will always be fear.

"I hurt you?"

It was like all those walls that had been up around them since college, since Magnus suddenly showed up on Alec's doorstep. There had always been walls like there had always been fear between them, old feelings of guilt, old scars that just wouldn't disappear - they were always red and angry against the skin.

"Yes."

Alec's voice, his clear words was the knife that pierced Magnus' chest, but at the same time it was the soothing gesture that eased the pain. They weren't screaming, weren't yelling at each other. They were calm, they were looking at each other, not averting gazes, finally facing all those fears that had been swirling around them for the past weeks, keeping their lungs from working without that little stabbing pain whenever an unbidden memory came back to life.

Magnus took a deep breath. He could feel the knife twisting in his chest. It was necessary and it was cleansing somehow to finally let the words flow freely.

"Because I left for France and didn't stay with you."

Again it wasn't a question, not in the words, but in his eyes. There was no begging for forgiveness, there was pleading for getting the chance to explain. Alec's eyes grew big with surprise, open and unguarded. He looked like he'd gotten doused with cold water and Magnus knew that if he'd lose him now, he'd lose him forever. Alec's lips moved with a thousand silent words that would never be filled by his voice with value. The words that finally made it through that ocean of silent pleas were:

"I wanted you to stay. I wanted you to stay with me, but you didn't listen."

The words broke when they were still on Alec's lips, but Magnus heard them all, he had known them long before. But back in college they had still been silent, not yet born, tough somehow already expected.

"I heard you." His voice was fleeting like a breeze, only audible because the darkness made it less easy for words to get stolen between two seconds of the day. "Every single time, I heard your heart breaking and it killed me knowing that I caused that sound."

The tears that had shown in Alec's eyes froze, caused yet another wall to rise between them, but Magnus didn't let himself get deterred. He raised one hand to carefully place it on the other's cheek and the newly grown wall faltered, the tears falling from Alec's eyes as little snowflakes that would only ever be seen in the soft glow of the stars on the ceiling. There were three of them.

"Then why?"

The smile that curved Magnus' lips was cruel and painful, but only for himself. The decision he had made at the end of college had kept him awake more nights than he could count, it had gotten bad enough that he had been able to hear the concern in Alec's glances at his slumped posture like there had been actual words spoken aloud. Magnus had noticed how Camille had gotten clingier, how Alec's demeanor had gotten colder and when he'd kissed away the tears during their last night together after Alec had gotten off the phone with his sister, he'd known that this was all he'd get before he left.

"Because otherwise France would have always been that big ‚What if?' in my life." Magnus felt how his heartbeat pulsed in his veins. Alec hadn't flinched when he'd placed his hand on his cheek, he hadn't moved to detach it from his skin. Desperation and hope started boiling inside of Magnus' chest. This was what he'd been hoping for so long. He was ready to lay his soul bare before those blue eyes, he was ready to be judged, to be punished for the pain he'd caused, but he would die if those eyes would look past him for the rest of his life.

Don't leave me!

"I wouldn't have stopped wondering what my life would have been … would have become when I'd gone to France." The words came faster, like fingers desperately trying to get a hold on an even wall. But somehow there was always that one ledge that kept you from falling. "I would have ended up blaming you to be a hindrance to my other maybe-life there … I know me and so I decided against it. I decided to keep you as that one awesome experience in college, that one person, I would never meet again, but also never forget."

It was silent and Magnus could hear his own hectic breathing, his own heart racing. He wondered if Alec could hear it, too. His expression was so calm, it was unreadable, the surface of a lake, beautiful in its simplicity and at the same time able to drown you. Little waves wafted across the surface of the cool water. It was that kind of water whose temperature you could see without breaking the surface with your fingertips and yet you still yearn to do it because nothing else came close to the experience of the direct skin-contact.

"Then why did you come back?" No accusation, only simple curiosity. Open, unguarded eyes. An expression so plain, so beautiful that it hurt like being dunked in ice cold water. Magnus smiled at the pain. It felt good because it broke the comforting warmth of secrecy on his skin. He could feel it piercing his skin, stabbing his lungs.

"I never forgot you." The smile grew warm. Magnus' thumb traced the line of Alec's cheekbone. "And that was my downfall … or more likely the one of my relationship with Camille."

I missed you so much, it tore my heart apart. But those were words that didn't need to be said. A low chuckle escaped into the air between them that wasn't filled with ice anymore. It had started melting away, slowly, but deliberately.

"Camille broke up with me because she couldn't stand my not so subtle pining any longer."

Confusion flashed in blue eyes. Curiosity followed, dusted with childish joy. "You were pining after me?"

In certain aspects Alec was like a cat, always curious and with a heart so full of that sense of wonder that made him see the slightest drop of light in the darkest mess. His fondness of the color black didn't mean that he wouldn't look at neon-striped socks or smile at shirts with funny quotes on them. But of course you'd have to watch close enough to catch those moments. You had to remain quiet, not shower him with suggestions and words he didn't care about. Alec was a person of silent conversations, of honest laughter carried at the corners of his mouth, of ‚I'm fine's when he was not that had to be collected if you wanted to be there for him - collected, not thrown back at him …

"I did."

The childish giddiness didn't last in Alec's eyes. It turned into serious consideration.

"So", he began slowly, weighing his words carefully, "so, you didn't stay with me … but you came back to me."

Magnus didn't remember holding his breath, but somewhere along those words it must have happened. They held each other's gazes like precious china that was about to fall and crash on the floor if only one of them would let go. Carefully Magnus let his hand slide down from Alec's cheek, letting his fingertips brush against his jawline.

"Yes, I did", he said as he took his hand back again, feeling that he had overstayed his welcome in the matters of physical contact. He didn't want to jinx the whole thing by coming on too strong. "I'd always come back to you - I just hadn't known that back in college."

There had been so many things they hadn't known back then.

Alec rolled over on his side, so he could look at Magnus more comfortably and with the same motion he took Magnus' retracting hand with his own, his long, pale fingers cautiously closing over caramel-colored skin. They created such a stark contrast that it could be even seen in the darkness, but none of them looked at it. They both knew by heart how their hands looked with their fingers intertwined. A picture they had burned, burned in their mind, long forgotten, hidden behind other, louder memories, but never lost.

With a little smile on his lips Alec brought Magnus' hand to his own chest right were his heart was beating, and it was beating fast - not in a scared way, in a way that showed it was alive again. His heart had begun to care again. It had decided to take that risk.

"It's not going to be easy", Alec said with Magnus' hand still pressed against his chest .His eyes held a silent challenge to pull back, a test if the other one was actually serious about the whole thing. And Magnus knew that if he wavered now, he wouldn't stay in this apartment until August. Before moving in Alec had given his conditions for him to stay, now they were debating the conditions for trying this relationship-thing that everyone kept talking about.

Magnus smiled. The smile didn't have sharp edges. It wasn't covered with ice or cold air. It was simple, just a smile, just a curving of his lips. There was nothing else to it.

"I don't need easy'", he breathed into the darkness between them, "I just need possible'." A movie quote he had loved from the first time hearing it and he knew it was cheesy, but he said it anyway.

It made Alec huff a quite laughter and while drowning in the softest smile and the brightest blue, Magnus could hear the last remaining wall around them collapsing. Now they lay there among shards of glass and ice. Now they could rebuild their little, messed up world.

The own tears tasted like salt, but when you kissed tears from the cheeks of a loved one, they only tasted bitter and burned on your lips. Magnus' heart ached with every new tear escaping Alec's eyes. They had been rolling down his cheeks from the moment Magnus had reentered the room and Alec had hastily gotten off the phone with his sister.

"I didn't think you'd come back", Alec had whispered, his voice thick with tears and surprise. He focused his gaze on his hands lying in his lap as he was sitting cross-legged on the bed in his dorm room. Magnus, as if this was actually the first time he'd been here, tried to smile, but it broke on his lips and Alec wasn't looking anyway.

"I told you that I'd stay the night", Magnus said and tried to imagine that his voice was ‚calm' and not ‚lifeless'. "I got some lemonade."

Finally Alec raised his head. "The kiosk's still open?", he asked quizzically which made Magnus smirk half-heartedly. He wanted to shower Alec with smiles and positive energy, with smirks and winks that would take the other's mind off his worries about his younger brother, off his pain, off everything that caused his sadness right now. But he was so damn tired. Not physically, but emotionally. He was exhausted from Camille's clinginess, from ignoring Alec's worried glances and that sad look in his eyes. He just couldn't keep going beyond a certain point of faked happiness.

"Maybe I've raided my own secret supply just to see you smile once more."

That actually got him a smile from Alec, but as their eyes met they both noticed the other knew about the lie behind it and the smile broke into tears.

Magnus knew that he should just leave Alec alone, now that he had finally decided to move to France. He knew that he was hurting Alec, but he knew that he would also hurt him if he'd ignore him or push him away suddenly. So, he naively hoped that they would just drift apart. It would have probably helped to just leave after getting Alec safely to his room, but couldn't. He couldn't leave him alone at a time like this. He knew he shouldn't cup his face and try to kiss away the other's tears, but he couldn't. He couldn't stand seeing Alec cry, he wanted to comfort him, at least be there for him as a friend … or something close to a friend. What were they without the sex anyway?

Magnus just wanted to help. He kept muttering, mumbling, whispering.

"It's going to be okay. It's going to be alright. It will be fine."

Everything will work out.

It's all going to be okay.

And by the time Alec's lips met his, he didn't even know if he was talking to himself or Alec anymore.

It was their last night together. They went separate ways the next morning and when they met again in front of the cafeteria, Magnus asked how Max was doing and Alec said:

"He's fine. He's going to be okay."

Then he turned around to walk through the doors of the cafeteria and Magnus knew it was over.

The next morning Magnus awoke to Alec's muffled groaning and when he lazily peeled one eye open, he realized that on Alec's back and therefore the reason the other couldn't really remove his face from the pillow, lay a happily purring cat. Magnus grinned and soon broke into hearty laughter. Alec who noticed that Magnus was awake now, wasn't quite amused in the same way.

"You've got to be kidding", he growled, but settled back more comfortably against the pillow as not to disturb the Chairman sleeping on his back.

"Magnus, you're on breakfast duty", the writer declared with a defeated sigh. Magnus grinned and placed a quick kiss on top of Alec's head before getting up. Alec only grumbled something he couldn't make out. And with one last look at the odd couple in the bed Magnus decided on his way to the bathroom that today he would tell Alec everything.

About the hacking.

About the file of pictures he'd taken of the young writer during college, but never told him about because he'd wanted something of Alec that was completely his. He was ready to share.

Soooooo, for everybody who is still there, let me know what you think and I want you to know that I am super grateful for you being so patient with me. :) The same goes for the readers of 'Wanted' - for those of you that read both stories, I will get to the next chapter during the holidays because I want to make it up to you that the last updates took so long.

For those who are interested: I post updates and snippets of new chapters on my tumblr (freakypumpkin there as well here) along with other stuff. If you want to check it out and stay updated with my writing. Otherwise if there are questions or other stuff you want to talk about, just send me a PM. :D

Happy New Year!
-Pumpkin