It still seemed almost unreal to Santana that she was pregnant again. It had been nearly five years now since her pregnancy with Antonia, but this second pregnancy, in comparison, was so different in the feelings and circumstances of it that it seemed unreal. Sometimes she felt guilty, in a way, when she remembered her last pregnancy versus her current one, especially when caught Toni looking not so subtly at her stomach, trying to see any signs of the baby she had been told was inside. What if her little girl somehow knew, either in the womb or now, at four years old, how Santana had felt about being pregnant with her, and how much happier she was to be pregnant with her sibling?
Toni couldn't have guessed that, of course. Most of her thoughts revolved around what she wanted and how to get it; she was, after all, only four years old, and her skills of putting herself into others' shoes weren't very strongly developed yet. But Santana knew, and it was difficult for her to acknowledge to herself. Sure, she could tell herself that with Toni's pregnancy, she had been only seventeen years old, much too young, frightened, and hurting from Kyle's betrayal to really appreciate the details of her changing body and to foster a bond with her growing daughter inside her. Sure, she had had the support and guidance of her mother, but outside of that, she had been utterly, depressingly alone.
It was different now. She had Sam, every day trying to care for her and make sure she had what she needed, his concern even going above what was sensible at times. Sam, who was overjoyed at the prospect of being a father, who couldn't do enough for her, their child, or Antonia. She was older and more prepared, both emotionally and financially, and she knew without a doubt that she would be able to raise this child and provide for it, as she had not been certain of with Toni. She had much less stress and anxiety over the future of her baby's birth, and that enabled her to be able to relax more and just feel a sense of wonder at the changes of her body as they occurred.
She had not been able to do any of this with Antonia, and that bothered her more than she would have thought. It was not that she had not wanted Antonia; she had, desperately, as soon as she saw her daughter's scrunchy little face, screaming her indignation at the harshness of florescent light in her newborn eyes. But she had not wanted to be pregnant with her, and she feared now that somehow, Antonia would sense the difference.
But of course, her worry was probably ridiculous; although Antonia certainly seemed jealous and conflicted about the idea of a younger sibling, and she had had quite the tantrum, brought on by her fears of being replaced, her anger and fear had recently been replaced with occasional whining or sulking, and more and more she was starting to show interest and curiosity at the prospect of the baby. She had started to ask Santana increasingly difficult questions about exactly how the baby had come to be, and she had even showed some enthusiasm in helping to pick out baby accessories for the nursery. Santana knew she really didn't need to worry about Antonia, logically, at least not where the baby was concerned. With Kyle, that was another story.
It became clear to her, however, with Antonia's increasing curiosity, that she had better tell her mother about her pregnancy. Although the clinic visit had confirmed a growing and so far healthy fetus, and she had the sonogram picture to prove it, Santana had nevertheless delayed telling her mother about it. Why, she wasn't sure. But something felt wrong about telling her mother that she was pregnant for the second time now without a wedding ring on her finger. Supportive and accepting as her mother was and always had been, and as much as she loved Antonia, Santana couldn't help but worry that she would disappoint her with her announcement. Even though Maribel had been thrilled about her engagement to Sam and got on very well with him- almost embarrassingly so at times- Santana feared that although her mother would never show it, she might inwardly disapprove of her daughter's schedule being so out of sync with what was usually acceptable timing in society.
Regardless, she couldn't put off telling Maribel about the pregnancy for very long, she knew, because Antonia's ability to hold in secrets was notoriously short, and Santana was sure the next time she got on the phone with her abuela she would excitedly rattle off something that would ruin her chance to tell her for herself. Because this was news she wanted to tell her mother in person, she found herself calling Maribel and asking her to make the trip for the first weekend that she was able to, telling her something vague about wanting to take her sight seeing in their new home town. Maribel, never one to turn down a chance to travel, much less see her daughter and grandchild, had agreed readily enough, leaving Santana a few days to prepare and make certain that both children would be at school during the time of her mother's arrival.
Maribel had pulled up in her rental car with her usual bustle of suitcases and gifts for the children, Santana, and Sam, and after several noisy minutes of exclamations, tight hugs, and kisses, she had followed Santana into her new home, exclaiming over the difference in size and décor. Santana had barely managed to sit her down on their new leather couch and serve her a glass of lemonade before Maribel fixed her eyes on her, giving her a knowing look.
"So tell me, carina, how far along are you?"
Santana had stuttered, her eyes growing wide as she attempted to deny her mother's words. "What are you…mami, what the hell?"
"Mija, I know you didn't tell me to come over here to look at the home, as lovely as it is, and I can see clearly that you are glowing," Maribel's own face was rather bright itself in affect as she reached for her daughter's hand, squeezing tightly. "A mother knows. You are beautiful, carina, and you look so happy. I bet Sam is very excited."
"He is," Santana sank into the seat beside her, burrowing into her mother's embrace with both gratitude and relief. Trust her mother to steal her thunder like that, but at least she didn't have to think through what to say. "He's over the moon about it. Toni, not so much, but she's getting used to the idea."
"Oh, Antonita," Maribel chuckled, shaking her head. "Mi ninita is a mess. Just like you. I can't imagine having had another child after you, although I sometimes regretted not."
Stroking a hand over her daughter's head, she kissed her temple, giving her another tight squeeze. "I am happy for you, mija."
Santana looked up at her through her eyelashes, feeling strangely shy as her lips briefly pressed together, venturing to ask, "Mami…you aren't…I don't know, disappointed?"
"In you? Never," Maribel told her with sudden seriousness, pulling back just enough to look into her daughter's eyes. "We were blessed with Antonia, the both of us, and I am certain that this baby will be just as wonderful. They come in God's timing, not ours."
And so Santana had let herself fully relax, comforted by her mother's acceptance. If she and Sam were happy and lacked regrets, then she too could enjoy.
She had made sure that Stevie had a playdate after school, wanting Antonia to have the chance to have some uninterrupted time with her mother. And as she had suspected, Maribel had made certain to use the time that Antonia was in preschool to prepare for her granddaughter. She had smiled at Antonia's happy shouts of surprise as she came through the door and saw her grandmother, scooping her up into her arms and planting kisses on her cheeks as she carried her into the living room.
"I hear that one little girl I know is going to be a big sister soon. Is that right, mi ninita?"
"Yes!" Antonia had shouted, forgetting her ambivalence of this at her grandmother's attention towards her. "And I'm gonna help out, a whole whole lot. I helped Sam paint up the baby's room, didn't I, Mami?"
"Yes you did, baby," Santana smiled down at her, reaching out to ruffle Antonia's hair. "Why don't you go take Abuela to see it?"
"Yes, Antonita Bonita, I must see what a wonderful help you were," Maribel told Antonia warmly as she put her down, letting Antonia take her by the hand and half drag her to the still not entirely finished nursery. "I know you will be such a big help with your mami and daddy when they have the baby to take care of too, won't you?"
"Uh huh," Antonia proclaimed confidently, forgetting her earlier declaration that she would have absolutely nothing to do with any baby that was stinky or noisy. "I'll be the best helper ever. Better than Stevie."
Santana just shook her head, letting her mother gently reprimand her daughter as she followed her down the hall. As Maribel entered the newly painted nursery, which was intended to have a zoo animal theme that could work for either a girl or a boy, Antonia continued to pull her around by the hand, proudly gesturing at the little bookcase, full of several of her own baby books that she had allowed her mother to place there.
"These used to be mine, 'Buela. Back when I was too little to listen to big kid books. I can almost read now, did you know that? I can read my name and I can read at and it and on and I and a and lots of stuff. I bet by the time that baby is born I can read the whole entire bookcase."
"I bet so," Maribel laughed, smiling at her granddaughter.
She extracted one of the smaller books from the bookcase, which was a new album Santana had only recently put together, containing photos of Antonia, Stevie, herself, and Sam as infants. There was plenty of space in the back for pictures of the new baby. As Antonia watched her grandmother smiling as she leafed through, she tugged at her arm, curious as always to know what others were up to.
"Whatcha doin', 'Buela?"
Maribel held the album out to her, flipping to the first page.
"That was your mother when she was a little baby herself, mi ninita. Look at those curls, just like yours."
"Wow!" Antonia giggled, pointing at the page and hiding her mouth behind her hand as her dark eyes sparkled with glee. "Look at her big cheeks! She was a fat baby, 'Buela!"
"She was a beautiful baby, just like you," Maribel told her fondly, smoothing a hand over her forehead. Sitting down in the newly purchased rocking chair several feet behind them, she drew Antonia onto her lap, encircling one arm around her as she held the photo album, turning pages for her to see. Antonia snuggled back against her, enjoying the attention as her grandmother continued to narrate.
"That was your mami too, Toni, and as you can see it wasn't just her cheeks that were chubby."
"She didn't have no clothes on!" Antonia gasped, half horrified, half amused. "How come she didn't have no clothes, 'Buela? Didn't she know that was bad?"
"She was too little to know she was supposed to wear clothes, and she liked to be naked," Maribel laughed. "Most babies too."
"Well, this baby better not get naked," Antonia declared, little nose stuck up in the air as she crossed her arms over her chest, firm in this determination. "That's just icky."
As Maribel turned the page, Antonia looked at the next picture with curiosity. "Is that Mami too?"
"No, sweetie, that is you," Maribel laughed, nudging her arm with her shoulder. "Your mami wasn't the only one with chubby cheeks and a big tummy!"
Antonia regarded the picture somewhat critically, tilting her head towards it before asking, "'Buela, I got black hair like Mami and brown skin. But if Sam is gonna be the baby's daddy then is it gonna have blue eyes and blonde hair like him or is it gonna look like Mami and me?"
"Well, carina, that is something that we will not know until the baby is here with us," Maribel explained, adjusting her hold of Antonia so she could look her in the eyes. "God will decide that. Just like he decides if the baby will be a boy or a girl."
"I want a boy baby," Antonia declared. "That way I get to be the only girl and Daddy won't like her better than me."
Maribel looked at Antonia for a moment, reading her not too subtle mood. "Even if the baby is a girl, Antonia, Sam will still love you just as much. And you will always be his very first little girl ever."
She paused, then, stroking her fingers slowly through Antonia's hair, added, "You will be such a good, special big sister to the baby, I just know it. You can teach it so many things that little babies won't know, and the baby will love you so much and want to be just like you. Your mami and daddy will need your help, and they are so very lucky to have you there for that. You get to be their little girl always, their very first little girl, and their big helper too. So lucky! Your mami, she was not so lucky because she did not have a little brother or sister she could help, or a big brother or sister who could help her. She did not have someone to place with as a little girl, and every time a child in the house got in trouble, it was always her because she was the only one there who could have been naughty. You are so lucky, Antonita, to have a big brother in Stevie and a little brother or sister in the baby. You get to be the little sister and the big sister at the very same time. No one else in the whole family gets to be both. Stevie will always be oldest and the baby will always be youngest, but you are so special, because you can be both."
This was something that Antonia had never thought about, and as she considered this, she began to smile. Snuggled up against her abuela, it occurred to her for the first time that maybe she was right.
88
"It's so amazing, babe," Sam breathed out, his eyes fixed with something like awe on the sonogram that Santana was holding in her hand. His arm wrapped around her shoulder from where she sat, examining it for the fifteenth time since it had been handed to them in the passenger seat of his car. Chin resting gently on her shoulder, he kissed her neck impulsively, squeezing her closer to him despite the awkwardness of the armrests in between them. "That's a person in there. A person we made. It wouldn't be here if it wasn't for us."
"Us and sex," Santana had to put in with a smirk, but she too was holding the sonogram very carefully, looking at it with soft eyes. Although the baby depicted in it was still very small, it was beginning to take on the shape of what was, though tiny, more recognizably human. Sam had been amusing her to no end by regaling her with what type of fruit the baby would be comparable in size at what stage of development, but it was sweet as well. This was all so new and exciting to him, and although she had been through this once before with Antonia, it was still exciting for her too.
They had decided by mutual agreement that they would not learn the baby's gender, once it was apparent to Santana's gynecologist; they wanted fewer arguments between the children and more of a surprise for them. Santana, having had one daughter, was secretly hoping for a boy, but she knew that as much as Sam would love a son, he was so enamored with Antonia that a biological daughter of his own would melt him that much further. Whatever their child would turn out to be, it was certain to be welcomed and loved.
"It's so cool," Sam continued, and he reached down to rub one hand gently over Santana's stomach. Although she was just barely beginning show, not enough to be noticeable to anyone but him and her, he liked to touch her there often, certain that he could nevertheless make out where the baby might begin. "You've got a person in there."
"That's how it works, yeah," she replied, lightly batting his hand away but briefly squeezing his fingers instead. "Believe me, it will be a lot less surprising when I'm huge as a house and can't take a step without needing to take a rest or pee."
"Babe, why don't we get you home and you can rest a while?" Sam suggested, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "You've had the whole day with the kids until the appointment with them having the teacher inservice day, you must be tired. I'll pick them up from the babysitter and take them out to pick out some baby things, maybe go to the park if they're good, and you can recharge your energy for the five pm energy blast you know they both get."
"That would be amazing," Santana said sincerely. Although the morning sickness had already faded away almost entirely, frequent exhaustion was beginning to settle in even more intensely than the first few weeks, and Antonia Lopez was a child that could exhaust anyone, pregnant or not. "It would help them feel more involved with the baby too, you know how proud Toni was to give it even some of her old chewed up books."
"Then that's what we'll do," Sam promised, giving her a gentle kiss on the lips as though to seal his words. "Maybe we can bring you some dinner home too."
It took the usual twenty minutes after arriving home to get the kids into their respective car and booster seats, properly buckled, with Stevie's tablet, Antonia's stuffed hippo, and the extra outfit that Santana insisted on bringing for both of them, should car sickness strike again, even with the relatively brief driving that Sam would be taking them on. Both children, having been kept inside by the babysitter and at Santana's insistence, with Kyle still a concern in the foreground of her mind, were now at high levels of contained energy, and it seemed from the moment that Sam got behind the wheel that shopping was the last thing they wanted to do.
"Sammy, Toni won't stay on her side!" Stevie protested, as Antonia responded with an indignant kick aimed in his direction.
"I am too, Daddy! Stevie won't let me see what he's doing on his tablet and that's not fair!"
"If I let her see she'll take it away from me or mess it up!" Stevie complained, trying his hardest to hold the tablet up at an angle where Antonia not only couldn't see but couldn't reach. Toni's response to that was to try to kick him again, to which Stevie bellowed out, "Sammy, she's kicking me, make her stop!"
"Toni, stop kicking Stevie, that isn't nice and that isn't how we show that we don't like things," Sam chided, shaking his head. "Stevie, it's nice to share. Guys, both of you are going to have to be a lot better behaved than this when we go shopping for the new baby together."
"Oh, is that what we're doing?" Stevie demanded, making a face. "I don't wanna do that, Sammy. Shopping is boring."
"I don't wanna either," Toni agreed, switching her kicking from being aimed at Stevie to the seat in front of her. "I gived the baby my books. That's enough."
"Sammy, Toni's still kicking!" Stevie tattled, pointing at her.
"I am not!"
"Both of you, stop," Sam ordered, lifting one hand from the steering wheel to rub at his temples. Already he was wondering if this had been such a good idea. "We're going to go shopping for the baby, and I want each of you to come with me because I need your help and Santana does too. She's going to be tired a lot until the baby is born, and after too, and that means that we both need you to try really hard to be good. If you're good today then we can maybe go to the park, and I might let you have ice cream with dinner too."
"Okay," Stevie said immediately, sold by the words ice cream. Antonia had to think about this a little longer, her lips fixed into a pout as she considered.
"Okay," she said finally, giving a nod. "I guess so."
"Good choice," Sam approved, trying not to show how inwardly relieved he was that they had decided this, bribe or no bribe. As necessary as he knew it was, he still hated to have to carry out discipline on the kids, Toni in particular. He was used to it with Stevie, but looking at Toni's big brown eyes and pouting expression when she was denied her way was still something he was getting used to powering through.
He had chosen Bye Bye Baby as the destination to look for needed baby items; he had figured that the children would be distracted from the intended purpose if they were at Toys R Us, Target, or the mall, where items aimed at older children would undoubtedly distract them from the mission at hand. Taking Toni's hand in his and keeping his other hand on Stevie's shoulder, he guided them inside the store as he explained.
"There will be many, many things the baby needs, and we definitely won't get all of it today. But it would be a really special thing if each of you picked out at least one thing today that it will need, so the baby will know that its uncle and its big sister were helping make sure it was taken care of."
"What kind of stuff does it need?" Stevie asked, curious. He had never spent any significant length of time around any babies, and he looked around the large store with narrow eyed disinterest. "This stuff doesn't look like it's much fun, Sammy. Babies like to play with that stuff?"
He pointed at the aisle nearest to them, which was stocked with baby toys such as cloth covered mirrors, teething rings, stacking toys, and plastic keys. Toni, however, made a beeline for the keys, pointing them out to Sam excitedly.
"Babies shouldn't be driving, Daddy. I think these should be for me."
"Those keys aren't for driving, Toni," Sam chuckled, following her down the aisle to take them from her grasp. "They're just pretend, for the baby to hold or chew on. And Stevie, babies aren't big enough to play with the kind of toys that you or Toni can. They might swallow pieces of them or they won't understand how to use them the right way. You guys will have to be very careful not to let the baby put your toys in its mouth, and that means that you'll have to keep the doors of your room shut when you aren't in them and pick up your toys when you're done playing."
"Aw man, this just keeps getting worse," Toni grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest and scowling, and Stevie heaved a sigh of agreement as Sam tried not to laugh at her overly adult wording. "This baby isn't gonna be fun at all, Daddy!"
"Well, maybe not at first," Sam agreed, reaching down to ruffle her hair. "I bet when you were a baby you weren't much fun either, at first. When babies are first born, all they do is sleep, eat, cry, and go to the bathroom, because they aren't big enough to do anything else. But when they start learning to walk and talk and get big enough to play, you'll have lots of fun, I promise. Babies are like living dolls, Toni, only you have to be much more careful with a baby than your doll. I just know you'll be a great big sister, because you are a great mommy to your dolls and stuffed animals, aren't you?"
"Except for the one that she cut off all its hair and scribbled on its face," Stevie muttered under his breath, rolling his eyes. "She wasn't a very good mommy to that one, she can't cut the baby's hair and scribble on its face, can she, Sammy?"
Both Sam and Toni ignored the little boy as Toni nodded, cheered up slightly by this encouragement from Sam. "Well if it's so stinky all the time I think I'm gonna pick it out diapers," she declared, and Sam laughed.
"That's a good start. Diaper aisle is towards the back, so let's look what's there on the way and see if Stevie sees anything he would like to pick out too."
As they walked towards the diaper aisle, they stopped several times, with Stevie distracted by the soft, squishy stuffed soccer and footballs that he ended up picking out for the baby. Toni had disagreed with him that they would be an appropriate gift for it if it turned out to be a girl, but a reminder from Sam that she herself played t-ball and any sister of hers could play whatever sport she wanted to ended that argument quickly. Toni, in turn, had been fascinated by a set of rubber duckies for the bathtub that Sam suspected she would end up using just as much as any baby would, and she had insisted that the baby would love them even if it "didn't know how to play right." Sam had concluded the shopping trip by finding shirts available in the largest toddler sizes for both Stevie and Toni. Toni's was a sparkling pink with the words "Big sister" written across them in purple sequins, and Stevie's, though a plain blue, had a shark across its bottom.
"There aren't any shirts that say I'm the uncle, Stevie, but Santana can take it to be embroidered with that," Sam had assured him. "Maybe her mami even knows how to do that."
Satisfied, Stevie had nodded his assent with some enthusiasm, and as they had left the store, both children were chattering enthusiastically, seeming much brighter in affect and just as happy as their purchases as about their upcoming ice cream. Sam had taken each by the hand and breathed a sigh of both happiness and relief. It would take some adjustment for them all, but he was sure that both would become accustomed to the idea of one more child in their new little family.