Chapter 6: Meltdown

I am not hallucinating, I am awake and this is real, Hunnigan repeated her mantra as she buried her face into her hands and stood still like that for a long moment. She was in her bedroom, still standing in front of the closet after having dressed a long moment ago. She'd suddenly been paralyzed by the simple question, "Is this real?"

"My name is Ingrid Elizabeth Hunnigan, I am awake and this is real, the date is September... No... October seventh. The President's name is Adam... No, it's not, why can't I get this right, why can't I..." she mumbled into her palms. What if she was wrong? What if this wasn't real life, what if she was just asleep or captured in a ridiculous fantasy world? What if she was infected, roaming the streets as a zombie, still convinced she was alive?

"Does it even require an infection, what was I ever but a walking collection of memories and random inconsequential thoughts that had convinced itself that it was meaningful?" she asked herself.

"No, this is real, I'm at home, I am not losing time, this is not... I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm awake. If I weren't, it wouldn't hurt, but everything hurts, I'm awake," she whispered, running her hand down across her chest and abdomen and to her side, letting the tips of her fingers press against the stitched wound on her left side. She sucked in a deep hissing breath between clenched teeth when the pain from poking the wound exploded in hot red and white.

"Hunnigan? I hate to complain, but there are no towels," Helena called out from the shower and Hunnigan inhaled sharply, startled. She'd already forgotten she wasn't alone.

"Uh... Hang on, I'll... There should be..." she muttered a response she didn't realize Helena couldn't possibly hear. She reached to grab a towel from the closet and exited the bedroom, heading down the hall toward the bathroom when she literally bumped into Helena. She paused for a moment, not wanting to stare but not being able to do anything else either. Living the past month on a ridiculously restricted diet and being physically active for the most part had consumed the majority of Helena's body fat, leaving the muscles easily visible underneath the pale skin. Hunnigan was tempted to reach out and run her fingers across the contours of Helena's abdomen just to find out if they were as solid and hard as they looked.

"Eyes are up here," Helena teased and Hunnigan shook her head.
"It's not... That isn't what I..." she stammered and sighed.

"I know, I was just teasing you," Helena chuckled, knowing that the odds were the older woman was more curious about the scar on Helena's shoulder (the shoulder Deborah had pierced with one of her sharp tentacles when she'd first mutated and attacked Helena) or the on her abdomen; a memento of having her appendix removed when she'd been just a kid.

"That looks painful," Hunnigan finally said, offering a small nod toward Helena's chest, indicating the barbell piercing on the younger woman's left nipple. Helena glanced down and chuckled a little.
"It isn't. The nipple's a little more sensitive than the other since I got the piercing, but not in a bad way... if you know what I mean," she smirked. Hunnigan didn't comment, instead she handed the towel to Helena.

"I took the liberty of putting your clothes in the wash so you're gonna have to borrow something of mine for a while."
"Does that mean I get to go through your drawers?" Helena inquired, rubbing her hands together menacingly. Hunnigan quirked and eyebrow and scoffed amusedly.

"I'm not sure what you're expecting to find, but yes, go ahead," she shrugged with a smile and waved her hand toward the bedroom.

Helena woke up and it took her a moment to remember where she was. Having spent to much time on the road, sleeping at odd places, it always took a moment to recall. She was on Hunnigan's couch and now more curious about what had woken her. She got up and scuffed into the kitchen quietly.

"Hunnigan?"
"Jesus!" the older woman inhaled and swiveled around sharply, gripping the edge of the counter until her knuckles were white.

"No, just agent Harper, I can walk on water only during winter," Helena jested, but Hunnigan didn't seem amused. "Y'know... 'cuz during winter water is ice... which is solid..." she trailed off slowly.

"No, I got the joke, I'm just... I forgot I wasn't alone, you scared the hell out of me," Hunnigan responded.
"I'm sorry. Are you okay?" Helena inquired quietly and Hunnigan shook her head.

"No, I'm really not," she said, her voice shuddering a little as she fought back tears.
"You're shaking."

"It's just adrenaline," Hunnigan tried dismissing it, biting down on her lower lip to keep it from doing that quiver she'd always considered so childish.

"Come 'ere," Helena said softly, wrapped her arms around Hunnigan and pulled her into a hug, "I know it doesn't seem like it now, but it'll be okay. It has to be," she whispered and Hunnigan pulled back a little, her arms still around Helena's waist.

"Well, this is embarrassing," she sniffled and shook her head at her own weakness.
"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," Helena assured her, but Hunnigan shook her head again defiantly.

"Yes I do. I've seen this kind of things happen for a long time, I've sat through attacks like this, watched and listened to friends and colleagues fight their way through hordes of monsters and all I could ever do is..." she trailed off, letting out a bitter laugh through tears.

"And now when the fight comes to my doorstep, all I can do is watch... and realize that I'm this weak and this easy to break. And on top of everything, here I am, having a damn meltdown in front of you out of all people! It's pathetic," Hunnigan scoffed and wiped her eyes agitatedly, realizing the harder she tried to stop the tears, the more generous the stream became.

Pathetic is the perfect word for it, she thought grimly. Helena had survived her battles, she'd endured even after having to kill her own sister (even though it hadn't really been Deborah at that point anymore), she'd avenged her and she'd helped shed light to a conspiracy that was reaching back 'd been plenty of tears and anger, but never had she stopped, she'd remained determined to get her job done, and that was exactly what she had done. Once it was all said and done, she'd moved on. She hadn't broken down like this, she hadn't wanted to crawl into bed and stay there, hiding and spending her time wondering if this was real life or was it just her, was it just the lines of reality and insanity blurring.

And all I did was sit there, alone. I didn't even have to...

"Compared to what everyone else has gone through and what they've lost, I have nothing I should be whining about," Hunnigan said, now more angry at herself than sad.
"Just because other people have it worse doesn't mean you aren't entitled to feel bad," Helena assured her, raising her hand to gently cup Hunnigan's cheek. Hunnigan lowered her gaze.

"I don't know how you do it, Helena. I wish I was half as tough as you are," she muttered quietly.

"Like everything else, that comes with a price too, sometimes you end up missing out on things just because you're so cold and detached. It's no way to live either, I learned that just recently myself," Helena said.

"Be that as it may, right now I'd rather not feel anything," Hunnigan sighed defiantly as she pulled further back from the half-hug she'd been in. Helena reluctantly let her go and watched her when she turned around, leaning against the counter, hanging her head low as she tried to stop the tears for good. This time she succeeded. Crying never helped anybody do anything... but sometimes it did make her feel better. Not today though.

Helena felt like she should've said or done something to comfort the other woman, but she didn't know what, or if Hunnigan even wanted comfort. Who knew, maybe she would've preferred being alone now.

"I'm sorry," Hunnigan said, inhaled deeply and staightened her back, squared her shoulders and turned to face Helena again, "I'm okay," she then added, nodding a little hoping to come across as convincing as she was desperately trying to be. She failed.
"You don't have to be," Helena whispered, offering a rueful smile.

"...I'm going to head back upstairs and try to get to sleep," Hunnigan changed the subject and Helena nodded.
"All right."

"Would you... I mean..." Hunnigan trailed off, unsure how to word it so that it wouldn't come across the wrong way.
"Only if I get to be the big spoon," Helena smiled, having guessed what the other woman's request was.
"I wouldn't have it any other way," Hunnigan chuckled a little.

Helena was a light sleeper and the incoherent mutters from the woman next to her were enough to wake her. Helena rose to rest her weight on her elbow and turned to look at Hunnigan. She was asleep, but obviously having a nightmare. Helena placed her hand over Hunnigan's forehead softly and held it there for a while. It was damp with sweat, she was probably still running a fever too in addition to everything else. Helena ran her fingers through Hunnigan's hair and stroked the side of her face softly, moving to trace her thumb over the slender dark eyebrow.

Hunnigan seemed to calm down and turned a little, seeking out more contact with the warm body next to her. Helena smiled and slowly moved to lie on her back as Hunnigan sleepily adjusted, resting her head on Helena's shoulder and wrapping her arm around the younger woman's body.

"Don't leave," she muttered, her grip around Helena tightening a little. She wasn't sure if Hunnigan was still talking in her sleep or not, but it didn't matter, her response was the same either way.

"I'm not going anywhere."