—

CHAPTER 10

When Penny's alarm goes off at noon, she slaps at it with her eyes closed. It feels like she fell asleep only a few minutes ago. She pinches the bridge of her nose and tries to remember what bout of heavy drinking could have left her feeling so out of sorts at this time of day.

As her mind clears, she remembers. Amy. Penny snaps wide awake in an instant.

It had taken several hours of cajoling, a glass of warm milk spiked with Benadryl, and endless rounds of 'Soft Kitty' to get Sheldon to go to sleep earlier this morning. In the end, it was logic that finally made him stop fighting it. Leonard had pointed out that none of them would be able to help search for Amy if they did not sleep first.

Penny hauls her exhausted body out of bed and sees that she is still dressed in yesterday's clothing. Leonard is not in their room, so she is not surprised when she finds him sitting in the living room with an already awake Sheldon. Both men are showered, dressed, and appear ready to face the day, but there is a haggard weariness about them both, making her wonder how much sleep either of them got.

She walks up next to her husband and sets a comforting hand on his shoulder. "Has there been any news?"

"Yes and no," Leonard answers. "They haven't found Amy, but since they've been checking down in the canyon, that's a good thing."

Penny picks at her fingernails, a nervous habit of hers from as far back as she can remember. "How can not finding her possibly be good?"

"It would have been an unsurvivable fall," Sheldon replies. His voice sounds flat and stoic, and he doesn't look at either her or Leonard, instead continuing to stare off into space. It is the familiar sight of Sheldon when he is deep in thought, which she supposes is preferable to the shaky mess he was earlier.

Leonard says, "They found her backpack with her phone inside, but there is no sign that Amy herself had fallen down that far with her stuff."

"Then where the hell is she?" Penny asks.

With his chin cupped in his hand, Sheldon's voice sounds calm when he answers, "It makes sense."

None of this makes sense to her, so she steps over and gently swats at his arm to try to jar him to say more. The contact is enough to make him look up, finally, and acknowledge the person that he is talking to. "They found signs that she slid down the first part of the slope. Assuming that it's her blood on the path, then she must have made it back up."

"Okay. Well, that's good, right?" she asks.

Sheldon doesn't answer her. Instead he starts staring at nothing once again.

"Yes and no," Leonard repeats his earlier words. It's not any less annoying this time. Penny shoots him a look of irritation, and he stretches out a hand to her. She takes a few steps forward and accepts it.

He tugs her towards him, and she takes the hint to squeeze in next to him on the chair. Leonard continues, speaking in a soft voice, "It's good that Amy was well enough to climb up despite whatever injuries she may have incurred, but she is still out there somewhere. She's hurt in some fashion, she doesn't have any supplies, and she has no phone to contact anyone for help. If she isn't found soon…"

Not wanting to cry in front of either of them, Penny rests her head on Leonard's shoulder for comfort. Only a few feet away, Sheldon seems to have tuned out of their conversation.

A few seconds later, she is forced to rethink that assumption. Sheldon's voice sounds determined when he speaks into the quiet room. "I need to go out there. I have to find her."

Beside her, Leonard perks up. "We'll go with you." He must realize that he's spoken for both of them because he looks over to her with a questioning look. Penny nods her assent. Of course she wants to help.

He squeezes out from his seat where he is wedged in with her and walks over towards his bedroom. As he walks, he says, "I'm going to go call Deputy DiSalvo. I think we'll need to get approval before we're allowed out there."

Left in the room with a silent Sheldon, Penny has trouble thinking of anything helpful to say. Perhaps there is no right thing to say at a time like this. At a loss, she asks, "Are you okay?"

He doesn't respond, so she calls out louder, "Sheldon!"

His face snaps to hers, startled from his thoughts.

"Are you okay?" she asks again.

He squints at her, and she is pleased to see a familiar expression on his face at last. It's the look that she sees on his face when he thinks that she has asked a stupid question.

"Of course not," he answers. After a brief pause he adds, "But I will be once I find her."

Penny has to blink back the sudden hot rush she feels in her eyes. Sheldon is right. She doesn't think that anything will ever feel okay for any of them until they locate Amy. She refuses to allow herself to think of what might happen if they never do.

Leonard walks back into the room with his phone in his hand and a nervous look on his face. "I told the deputy that we were planning to drive up, but he said that we should stay put. He's already on his way here."

—-

In an attempt to assuage his anxiety, Sheldon paces the length of the apartment. Sitting still makes him feel like he isn't doing anything at all. It's best to keep moving.

He wonders what it means that the police are coming here. Do they have more information? Are they coming to deliver bad news? Are they coming to tell him that Amy is…

Sheldon cuts off the morbid thought. Every three trips across the room, he checks his watch. He could swear that time is passing slower than normal just to spite him. Unable to stand it for one moment longer, he detours to his room. Rummaging through his nightstand he finds his backup nail file.

When he returns to the main living area, he wordlessly hands his find to Penny before resuming his previous route. Having to watch her pick and chew at her fingernails makes his own anxiety worsen. If she keeps at it, she's going to draw blood.

That mustn't happen. Even the thought of blood causes Sheldon's stomach to squirm. He tries not to think about the trail or his shoes. More than anything else, he doesn't want to imagine what could have happened to draw Amy's blood. Of course, the very act of trying not to think about it means that he is, in fact, thinking about it. He shivers to shake it off and starts counting his steps as he traverses the room. Counting is comforting. Counting is distracting.

It feels like forever, but eventually there is a brisk knock at the front door. Sheldon's pacing comes to a halt. He feels his heart lurch in his chest and brings his hand up as if that would somehow be able to keep it in there.

Frozen in place with the force of his worry, he watches Leonard cross the room to let the deputy in. He wants to cover his ears. He wants to run and hide. He wants Amy to come home.

"Good afternoon."

The deputy's calm greeting does nothing to settle Sheldon's nerves. It does, however, channel some of his fear into irritation at the man's nonchalance.

"What's going on? Is it Amy? Did you find her?" Penny asks, sounding appropriately frazzled.

DiSalvo shakes his head. "Not yet."

Sheldon is equal parts relieved and aggravated. It would have been nice if this guy had told Leonard that over the phone.

The deputy continues, "We're taking steps to inform other hikers along the trail of the situation, distributing her picture and so forth. Word should spread quickly, and hopefully someone will be able to tell us something soon. These folks are quite good about looking out for one another." He clears his throat. "Uh, in the meantime, I have a few more things to discuss with you, Mr. Cooper."

"It's Dr. Cooper. What can I do to help?"

"I'd like to go over a few things, if we could have a moment to speak alone."

Leonard steps over to his side. "I don't think that's a good idea, Sheldon. I'm not sure how much you should be talking to the police without a lawyer."

His roommate is probably right, but he doesn't care. "I want to help."

Penny steps over to Sheldon's other side. When she speaks, she addresses the deputy. "If he is willing to talk to you that's fine, but we're not leaving."

DiSalvo shrugs. "Suit yourselves, but these are highly personal matters, and it's really up to Dr. Cooper."

Unsure of what he's talking about, Sheldon prefers to keep the conversation moving along. Daylight's burning and he is impatient to go out and search for Amy himself. "I don't care. They can stay or they can go. What's going on?"

The deputy rummages through a manila folder and pulls out a few pieces of paper. "Among Ms. Fowler's—"

"Dr. Fowler."

The man sighs. "Among Dr. Fowler's possessions we found a letter addressed to you. Now, in this letter, she refers to having written two other letters to you. Do you still have those?"

Aghast on Amy's behalf, Sheldon responds, "You read one of her letters?"

"Of course. We're looking for clues about any plans she may have made, any destinations she may have considered. We're also still trying to get an accurate sense of her state of mind."

Folding his arms across his chest, he issues a demand. "I want that letter. She intended for it to go to me."

The deputy scratches his head before gesturing at the living room furniture. "Look, let's all sit down. I need to explain where we're at with this investigation."

His spot has never looked so unwelcoming, but Sheldon sits in it anyway. Leonard and Penny take a seat next to him in quiet solidarity, leaving the officer a spot in the nearby armchair.

"Dr. Cooper, I need your cooperation today. I'm not sure if you're aware of how things look for you right now."

That's ridiculous, and he scoffs. "How things look for me? I'm not the one who's missing. You should be looking for Amy."

"Okay, let's be clear here. What I'm trying to tell you is that when I went to sleep this morning, I knew there was a very good chance that I would be waking up and arresting you later in the day."

Penny gasps and grabs Sheldon's arm. Leonard shifts to the edge of his seat and sputters, "That's insane! I told you before that he would never do anything to hurt Amy."

"Damn it, I told you the same thing! He's not capable of violence, especially towards Amy," Penny adds.

Hurt Amy? Violence? Sheldon's mind spins as he tries to piece things together. How could they possibly suspect him of harming Amy? He loves her. It does not compute.

Despite squinting at the deputy, nothing becomes any clearer. "What are you talking about?"

"When someone goes missing, particularly with the kind of blood evidence we saw at the scene, we take a look at that person's entire life, including those closest to them. In this case, that means you, Dr. Cooper. We look for signs of strife and check for anyone who might have had any kind of dispute in the days leading up to the disappearance. Again, that would be you."

The thought of harming Amy makes Sheldon feel nauseous. His brain can't even process the concept. "It's true that she broke up with me, but since that time I've been trying to get her back to hug her, not to hurt her."

The deputy tilts his head and says, "You know what? I want to believe you. Truly. I've been able to see how much stress you've been under and how much pain you're in. I want to think that you're devastated by her absence rather than overwhelmed by having been the one to cause it."

"I didn't harm her. I love her," he whispers. In his peripheral vision, he spots fervent nods from both Penny and Leonard.

DiSalvo shrugs. "I hear you. But here are the cold, hard facts: there was discord in your relationship, you were at the scene where she went missing, part of your time that day is unaccounted for, you have a fresh, unexplained cut on your finger, and there was blood on your shoe. By your own admission, you have attempted to hack her phone in order to track her down so that you could 'make her understand'. Unrequited love can make men do things that they otherwise wouldn't."

Sheldon stares the man down, willing him to understand the truth. "I explained all of that, and my love for Amy is not unrequited. If you've read one of her letters, then I suspect you know that."

The officer is undeterred. "I did read her letter. The fact that she does indeed love you back helps your cause a great deal. It is the reason why we're having a relaxed conversation in your apartment instead of an interrogation at the station with cuffs around your wrists."

There is nothing relaxed about this conversation from where Sheldon is sitting. The fact that anyone could presume him capable of something so terrible is galling.

DiSalvo continues, "But that alone isn't enough. I'd like to help you clear this up, and to do that I'm going to need the other letters she sent you as well as a detailed explanation of how you spent yesterday afternoon."

Was it only yesterday? To Sheldon, it feels like he has been missing her for eons.

He would prefer not to share these private matters with anyone other than Amy, much less a man who suspects him of violence, but there's little choice now. Backed into a corner, his options are limited.

"I was here. I had gotten Amy's second letter over the weekend, and I have been spending part of each day writing a response to her."

"Do you have a copy of what you were working on?"

He nods and gestures to the laptop on his desk. "It's on my computer."

Leonard straightens up from his hunched over position. In better times, Sheldon would've already chided him for his poor posture. All that slouching might result in a kyphosis.

"If it's on your computer, then your work will be time stamped," Leonard points out.

DiSalvo raises his eyebrows. "That would be perfect. If you're willing to hand over your laptop for us to verify what you're saying, then we can end this today. I understand how devastating these allegations can be, and I want to move on from this too."

The idea of having a stranger read his private message to Amy is unsettling. It's intensely personal, and Sheldon hates the thought that the police will come to know more about his feelings for Amy then she herself does. Still, he doesn't want to be the one to hamper the search in any way, and he doesn't want to ever have to hear another ridiculous accusation about this again.

"I can do that," he agrees. He supposes that he should feel relieved to be able to clear his name. With Amy still missing, however, taking comfort in anything remains as elusive for him as she does.

"There is also the matter of her earlier letters to you. I still need to go through those to see if there are any clues as to where she might have gone or to what she might have been thinking."

Somehow, the thought of sharing Amy's messages to him feels like an even greater violation of privacy. The officer's reasons do not sound sufficient to Sheldon. "She didn't say anything in the letters about going anywhere. And as for her state of mind, like I told you before, she wouldn't hurt herself. It's every bit as preposterous as your previous theory."

DiSalvo pulls out a paper from the folder on his lap. "Dr. Cooper, this document is a copy of the letter we found in Dr. Fowler's backpack."

Eager to hear anything at all from Amy, Sheldon snaps his hand out, but the deputy makes no move to hand it over.

"In this letter, you will find that your ex-girlfriend recently got some troubling news. It's unclear as to precisely what effect this might have had on her, but it seems like she was going through some sort of grieving process. We really need those other letters."

Sheldon looks to Penny and Leonard, but they look just as surprised as he feels. What could have been troubling Amy? Why would she not have confided in him until this letter? Without another word, he stands and walks over to the safe in the wall. He enters the combination and retrieves the small box of valuables he has stowed away there.

They all stare at him when he sits back down, making him long for privacy and solitude. He reverently sets the box on the coffee table and then leans over to begin rifling through its contents with careful fingers. Nosy as ever, Penny slides close to him and peers into the cardboard box with him.

"What the heck do you keep locked away in here?" she asks.

"Things of value."

That must not be a good enough answer because Penny points at a small velvet box. Of course. Of all the things in here, she has to take notice of that one.

"Is that jewelry?"

"Yes."

"What is it?"

That is none of their business whatsoever, but Sheldon figures that answering her will keep her quiet for a good length of time. He doesn't want the added stress of more prying questions. There have been enough of those already.

"It's an engagement ring for Amy."

As expected, his theory proves correct. Penny stares at him in shock, but at least it's a silent shock. Leonard doesn't seem to know what to say either.

Among Sheldon's valuables is a full stack of various cards that he has received from Amy over the years. Ordered by the time at which they were received, he flips through the cheery holiday images until he reaches the plain white envelopes in the back that contain her most recent correspondences.

Hesitant to hand them over, he only does so with a caveat. "I want these back as soon as possible."

The deputy agrees, and after accepting the envelopes, he sets them atop Sheldon's computer. In return, he holds out the folded paper that makes up Amy's last letter. Sheldon takes it with a shaky hand.

"I appreciate your cooperation, Dr. Cooper. This is a difficult time, and I hope you can understand that investigating your possible involvement is nothing personal. The only thing that I want in all of this is to find Amy."

The accusations continue to sting, but he tries to appreciate the man's tenacious focus on helping Amy. They have that in common, if nothing else. He gives the man a reluctant nod of acceptance.

After a brief nod of his own, DiSalvo adds, "I'll let you know as soon as I hear anything new."

The officer stands as if to leave, and Leonard voices the question that is also on Sheldon's mind. "Can we come out to help search today? We all want to be actively doing something."

With a glance to each of them, DiSalvo says, "The three of you are obviously still exhausted. I'm not sure if you'd be more of a help or a hindrance until you rest more. And in the interest of full disclosure, I can tell you that I'm going to need to verify Dr. Cooper's alibi and get permission from my superior before I can let any of you out there."

He turns to Sheldon. "Read that. Try to rest. Call me first thing in the morning, and I'll make sure that we have a plan for how you can help."

Leonard and Penny walk to the door and usher the deputy out. Sheldon is not in the mood for any kind of social niceties, not after all of that. With no one to distract him, he stares at the folded paper in his hand.

When his friends return, they stand much too close to where he is sitting. With a soft voice, Leonard asks, "Are you okay, buddy?"

Sheldon closes his eyes to try to control his rising temper. Penny's voice sounds equally gentle when she offers, "Sweetie, do you want us to stay while you read that? We could even read it with you."

His eyes snap open, and he rises to his feet. "Why does everyone keep asking if I'm okay? Of course I'm not okay! And no, no one else is going to read this. It's bad enough to have these random police officers intruding into our relationship."

They both look at him with surprised, pitying expressions. None of this is their fault, but Sheldon can't stop himself from taking out his anger on the two of them. He strides across the room in a huff, desperate to ensconce himself in the privacy of his room.

As he gets near his bedroom door, the guilt begins to set in, and he turns back to face them. His anger shifts into feelings of sadness and regret, and he feels compelled to try and explain why he snapped at them. "The ring, the letters, the questioning. It's not right. Everyone knows more about my feelings for Amy than she does. Maybe even more than I'll ever get the chance to tell her."

—-

Note: As you've probably noticed, this story is a bit different from most TBBT fic, so feel free to share your thoughts about it at any point.