For the brave ones.
No Reason
(a diary)
oOo
This journal belongs to Gumball Watterson
May 26th
Today Jamie called William gay. I think that maybe William would have called her that back if he could speak. He can't speak. No one said anything to her. I wanted to but then she would have just done what she'd done to him and I don't want that.
May 27th
Tobias and Joe were found by their parents down by the Wilson's basement passed out on the floor. Clayton told the class the duo had something from Father Wilson's trunk by the staircase. Mom says we will not be attending church any more.
May 28th
Today was Anais' birthday. We aren't very rich and so Dad got her winter mittens from the Taiwanese dollar store and Mom got her a puzzle from the thrift shop. Darwin got her a German Course Level A book and I got her flowers. I left them outside the bedroom door and so she found them when she awoke and she just sat there and cried. She cried because she read the letter I wrote her and she was not happy.
May 29th
Joe and Tobias returned to school after a two day suspension. I think that they should've gotten worse. Bunch of us were asking what it was like, if they were even fully sober. I think some of what they told us was made up but it was like the truth just expanded to seem cool.
May 30th
Darwin tells me he's in love with someone and he won't tell me who 'cause then the love will go away. Says he's been working on pulling up the nerve to talk to them. I know nothing about them. All he tells me is that he'd marry them if he could, and that they're perfect in every way. I wonder how he could feel such strong emotion. To me it's just hogwash. I find it funny how he won't tell me who it is. I wonder if she's pretty.
May 31st
Mr. Small drove me home from class early because I was sick, and Dad didn't answer the phone. My head hurt the whole drive here because he blasted his oldie music and talked his head off about how I was growing into a fine young man and all that I don't care about. Said I was becoming very handsome and interesting. Strange man he is. Mr. Small patted my thigh before I walked out.
Walked upstairs to the bathroom. Needed to wash my face. Dad was throwing up. Assured me he was not sick, that his forehead was at normal temperature.. Then it hit me. It hit me like lightning. I knew what he was doing.
He said "don't tell your mother. She'll worry."
What about me?
June 1st
Stayed home from school today. Anais came home with tears in her eyes again. I feel like it's still about my letter.
June 2nd
Today I returned to school and when I got there Clayton had a black eye. He told me that it was nothing.
June 3rd
While walking to Joe's house a high school boy thrust his head out the window of his car and whistled at us from the road. Joe shot haughty words at him. I blushed.
June 4th
Darwin went with Tobias to the gas station store and bought snacks, and then hung out at his house for many hours yesterday. At home Mom yelled at Dad and so I did not sleep last night. When Darwin got back he said Tobias had dissapeared for half an hour.
June 5th
Today Anais confronted me about the letter that had been nestled in the bouquet. She told me I didn't know anything and that I was trying to get attention cause I'd always been the least favorite. I told her she was an ignorant and a ungrateful sister and that she just didn't want to be out of the spotlight. That she didn't want what I said to be true. She threw the bouquet at me, roots still wet.
June 6th
Darwin told me that his life is over because Mom and Dad won't pay for that prissy music camp at Elmore high school and therefore he won't be able to see his love during the summer each day. I'm not really sad and I don't care. I don't care at all.
June 7th
Today Darwin cried a bit and so I can't get to bed. I feel bad that I can't make this girl love him. But I'm not a god. I'll bet if I listen carefully, right now, he's still sobbing.
June 8th
Clayton took my lunch today and so I went to lessons after that hungry.
June 9th
Anais told Mom and Dad that I'm gay and has mortified me. I wanted to come out formally. I had it all planned out, I really did. But now they know from her, from the letter. I sobbed in my mother's arms, rocking back and forth for half an hour on the staircase and told her that I was sorry and that I could change. She kissed my head sullenly, and then sighed. She weaved her fingers through my hair as the rocking halted. I started again, anyway.
"I can change...I promise you...I can..."
Then she told me there was no reason to.
A/N. So I never included an author's note on this fic, one of the only I've saved from my early days on this site. This fanfic means a lot to me because like with most of my fanfics, there are a lot of elements based on real life. Almost every little detail was from something that happened to me, or something on my mind. The odd thing about this fanfic, which was unintentional, is that it is technically a little taboo. Darwin's very flat character is based off my first real crush, and I of course, am the confused Gumball. I think I was twelve about to turn thirteen, and there were just so many new, maybe grown-up things, overwhelming my system: warnings of pedophilia via school videos, health lessons on eating disorders, religion, coming to terms with the fact that I love women (and men, though I have much less experience with that.) I was becoming depressed as well, and I'm still recovering.
Since writing this fanfic, I have become and shed many of these two dimensional characters: I have been Richard getting caught vomiting in a bathroom; I have been the hopelessly lovesick kid that is Darwin; I have been Gumball being held by my mother on the stairs, wanting to be converted. This story means a lot to me, and I know it will probably never be seen by anybody again, but I wanted to get this out here. So thanks to those of you that read it. The story itself hasn't been altered since the original publication.
- Aug 31 2019