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CHAPTER 23

"That was a strange email," Bernadette says, transferring some shrimp sashimi to her mouth with the aid of her chopsticks. She and Penny have come to Amy's apartment to share lunch and to check up on their injured friend. With Sheldon in charge of her care, they figured it's best to make sure that everything is going smoothly.

"Have you ever gotten an email from Sheldon that wasn't strange?" Penny asks.

Bernadette can't argue with that. She smiles her agreement and then turns to address Amy. "We just wanted to bring you lunch. I didn't know we'd have to pick from a Sheldon-approved list of recommended food choices. That was an awful lot of nutritional research about prebiotics, probiotics, and foods with anti-inflammatory properties."

Penny looks puzzled. "You actually read all of that? I just thought sushi sounded good."

Bernadette shrugs. "I skimmed it. I would've ignored it, but I saw the word 'wasabi', and that caught my attention."

Amy has been eating some miso soup, and occasionally she snags a piece of a salmon roll. She has been very quiet so far, and Bernadette decides to try to get her to open up a bit.

"So, aside from being overly obsessive about your nutritional needs, has Sheldon otherwise been a good nursemaid? I imagine things might be a little weird considering that you broke things off with him."

Penny snorts. "It's Sheldon. There's no way that things aren't weird. Seriously though, is he driving you nuts yet, Ames?"

Setting down her soup spoon, Amy says, "No. In fact, he's been… wonderful."

That's an eyebrow raising statement. Over the years, Amy has often described Sheldon in glowing terms, but given the cozy living conditions that those two have been sharing, Bernadette finds herself wanting to know exactly what she means this time. "Is that your way of telling us that you two are back together?"

"What? No. Well, maybe. Actually, I think it's starting to feel that way, but to be honest, I'm not sure what's going on. He has been overbearing, yes, but also helpful and downright affectionate. Penny is correct. Everything has been weird. Sheldon's been inserting himself into my life with all the subtlety of a bulldozer."

Pointing in Amy's direction with her chopsticks, Penny says, "Sweetie, I told you before that he was a complete wreck while you were gone. I've never seen anyone so hellbent. Did you know that the cops even thought he was a suspect when you first went missing?"

From the look on Amy's face, Bernadette thinks it's quite clear that her friend did not know that. It's confirmed when she says, "Sheldon was a suspect? That's insane. He would never hurt anyone."

"I know, right? Leonard and I tried to tell them that, but with your recent breakup and his borderline stalker-ish attempts to track you down, I guess things seemed suspicious. And Sheldon being Sheldon, he had a way of saying the exact wrong thing at every turn. But you know the really crazy part? Even though they put him through that, once they cleared his name, Sheldon made peace with them. He even ended up working with that DiSalvo guy to try to find you, and he pretty much succeeded. I mean, he was right outside that house when the ambulance arrived for you."

Amy looks incredulous and has a vocal inflection that matches. "He was?"

"Yeah. He figured out that someone must've gotten you off the trail, and then he was bound and determined to work his way through every damn house in that entire town to track you down, starting with the empty ones. When he found you, he contacted the deputy."

"Then why didn't I see him there? He hasn't told me anything about this."

Penny tilts her head and squints her eyes. "I'm not sure why he hasn't told you. Maybe he doesn't think it matters because he didn't make it all the way in to rescue you. You never saw him because the cops who showed up carted him off to the police station. Anyway, they thought he was the nutjob that had been keeping you there. They didn't realize that he was a different kind of nutjob."

For a second, Amy looks almost too shocked by the story to speak. Eventually she whispers, "I—I don't know what to say. It's amazing that he did that."

"It really was something," Penny agrees.

With a stronger tone, Amy turns on her automatic Sheldon defense system. "But Sheldon's not a nutjob. He's a genius."

"You might call it genius, and I might call it whacko, but I think we can both agree that he is not a typical man. When I say that he's a nutjob, it's because he is, but he's nuts in an endearing and wonderful way."

Penny's sweet and sour sentiments seem to be enough to dissuade any further argument. Amy returns to looking stunned.

After a few more moments of silence to allow her to adjust to the news of what Sheldon went through, Bernadette can think of something to add. "He was deeply affected by your absence. Even before you went missing, it was very clear that he did not want your relationship to end. It's no surprise to any of us that he has insisted on being the one to take care of you. At this point, I'd only be shocked if you managed to get him to leave."

It's true. Bernadette could not have predicted Sheldon's behavior when Amy left and then again when she went missing, but having witnessed parts of it firsthand, she fully expected him to take over Amy's care once she returned. It has been no secret to anyone the extent of how much he has missed her.

Penny called him endearing, and that sounds about right. It's not a descriptor that Bernadette ever would've thought she'd use for Sheldon, but now it seems apt. There has been something wonderful about witnessing Amy's boundless love for Sheldon being returned by him to the same degree. She used to think their relationship was a one-sided obsession, and she's happy to find herself proven wrong. They are both equally entwined in their special little web of dorky love.

Amy is biting her lip, making Bernadette wonder if her friend might have something interesting to reveal. Penny cocks an eyebrow. Perhaps she is thinking the same thing.

It's Penny who is the first to prod. "So, Ames, how have things been going in the cozy confines of 314?" She tips her head towards the couch and adds, "That's an awfully small space for a man who's as tall as Sheldon to spend the night, especially if he's going to be here for a while."

When Amy's cheeks start to turn pink, Bernadette knows that Penny has struck gold. Amy mumbles, "He didn't sleep there."

In unison, Bernadette and Penny squeal, "Ooh!"

Bernadette adds an additional squeak, "And where might he have slept?"

With a sigh, Amy admits, "He slept in my bed, and before you ask, yes, I was there too."

"Ooh," they respond again.

"It's not like that. There was plenty of space for both of us. We're talking about Sheldon here. It's not like there's any possibility of hanky-panky to ooh about."

Penny scoffs. "Unless he's at risk for hypothermia, Sheldon Cooper does not sleep in a bed when there's someone else in it, certainly not with a woman there. Come on, Ames, that's worthy of an ooh."

"I concur," Bernadette says with a nod. "Besides, what did you guys do? Did Sheldon put up a board in the middle of the bed like the prudes in colonial times used to do?"

"A bundling board? Those weren't very effective, you know."

Of course Amy would know the proper term for that. Bernadette gives a quick nod, wanting her to get back to the potentially juicy details.

"No. In fact, Sheldon and I, um... we cuddled."

"Oh. Well then it sounds like maybe he did put up some wood," Bernadette jokes.

Penny snorts, and it looks like she's nearly choking on her sushi. She gulps down some water, and that seems to be enough to stop her coughing fit.

"Come on, guys, he was just offering some friendly comfort," Amy objects.

Even with her giggles now under control, Penny's eyes still look pink and watery. Nevertheless, she folds her arms across her chest and is the first to voice the obvious. "Sheldon's first thought to comfort someone would not involve cuddling. If he wants to offer comfort, he makes a person a hot beverage. It's not optional. Did you notice any tea or hot chocolate at your bedside? Because if not, then that's not why he was doing it."

Finally giving up a smile, Amy admits, "Maybe you're right." Her smile fades when she adds, "But I don't want to get my hopes up. I spent five long years hoping for that kind of intimacy with Sheldon, and that's more than enough experience to tell me that I should not hold my breath. It's especially unwise given that he has been acting under the pressure of these unusual circumstances. I've enjoyed the contact over the last day and a half, but that does not negate the reality of our previous years together."

Their relationship has grown a lot, but Amy's words still ring true to Bernadette. She has seen her friend experience more than a little rejection over the years. In fact, at this point, for all of the disappointment, Amy might as well take up watching baseball and become a fan of the Cubs.

Penny continues to argue in favor of optimism. "I'm telling you, that man is in his mid-thirties, and he's going to hit puberty eventually. If he wasn't interested in sex at all, I don't think he would have spent the last few years vacuuming all of the crazy cobwebs out of his brain to allow him to hold your hand, hug you, and kiss you."

With narrowed, suspicious eyes, Amy asks, "You seem awfully adamant about Sheldon's intentions. Do you know something that I don't?"

They are, of course, aware of something that she isn't. Penny has blabbed to everyone else, so the ring is only an unknown quantity to Amy. When Penny starts to open her mouth, Bernadette gives her a warning glare and a quick jab to the shin with the toe of her shoe. It's tempting to clue Amy in, but it isn't their secret to reveal.

Stretching her arm down under the table, probably to rub the sore area of her shin, Penny shakes her head no, offering a silent lie in answer to the question. It looks like Amy believes it. She returns to taking slow bites of her lunch, and Penny and Bernadette do the same.

It is less than a minute later when Amy starts speaking again. "You know…"

When she doesn't continue, Bernadette prompts, "What? You can tell us."

It still takes her a moment before she answers, "Sheldon has been behaving very oddly since I got back. It's not just affectionate touches. He's done things…"

They both lean forward in their seats. Cupping her chin in her palm and bracing her elbow on the table, Penny looks on with rapt attention and says, "Oh? Such as?"

"This morning, he committed to doing something. I don't want to get into the details, but I can tell you that it was a huge gesture, and it was something that would make him a permanent part of my life."

Her wording makes Bernadette wonder if maybe Amy does know about the ring. She wants to pry, but her friend has moved on to a subject that she wants to be nosy about just as much as the ring.

"And yesterday morning, after he took me home from the hospital, he even went so far as to help me with a bath."

Penny looks on with continued interest, but warns, "If you're about to try to convince us that he did naked bath time fun with you out of friendship, then Amy, I'm going to be tempted to give that noggin of yours a new little tap to try to shake back whatever has gone loose."

"It isn't what you're thinking. I was drugged," she explains. "At the hospital, you, the nurse, and Sheldon all convinced me to accept a shot of narcotics for the ride home. It worked, maybe a bit too well."

"Okay, and…" Bernadette squeaks, gesturing with a waving hand for Amy to go on.

"There's not a lot that I can tell you because I don't remember much, and from what I do recall, I'm not so sure that I should even want to remember more. I know that I made a fool of myself, basically throwing myself at him and kissing him. But after I woke up from a nap that afternoon…"

This time it's Penny who waves at Amy to stop stalling and tell the freaking story already.

"When I woke up, I remembered forcing a kiss on him, and I started to apologize. Sheldon took that moment to admit to kissing me back, confessing to having done so in a manner often attributed to the French."

"Oh my God! I knew he had it in him," Penny interrupts. "So why the hell are you being so mopey and pessimistic?"

"It's not that simple. He told me what had happened and then apologized for it in the very next breath. He said that it was wrong and one of the worst things he's ever done. It was not some sudden explosion of repressed sexual desire. He regretted it."

"Oh," Penny responds with a small, sad sounding breath.

Bernadette feels her previous joy at Amy's revelation deflate too. But as she sits contemplating the frustrating conundrum that is Sheldon Cooper, she starts to wonder something. "Amy, are you sure that he was sorry about the kiss and not about the circumstances under which it took place? If you were so drugged that you can't even remember what happened, maybe he felt regretful about his choice to make a move at that time."

Amy wrinkles her eyebrows. "I don't know. I didn't think of that. He told me what happened and seemed saddened by it. He didn't explain why it upset him, though. I assumed that it was the action of kissing in such an intimate way that he found distasteful and that he was sorry because he knew he couldn't give me something that I wanted."

Penny perks up. "Bernadette is right. I mean, think about it. If he disliked the idea of that kind of kiss, then why would he have been the one to make the move to go at it with tongues in the first place? I don't know about you guys, but it makes a lot of sense to me that he acted on a desirous impulse and then felt guilty about doing it while you were in an altered state. It sure as hell makes more sense than it does for him to have done that for no reason and then, for no reason yet again, decided his own action was yucky."

Bernadette nods. "That lack of reasoning would be illogical. It's difficult for me to imagine Sheldon as capable of being horny, but it's downright impossible for me to imagine him acting in the absence of reason."

"I can think of a reason," Amy says with a defeated sigh. "It's possible that he would do something like that because he thinks that it's what I want. He hates change and wants the status quo of our relationship back. Perhaps that was his way of trying to placate me, and he found that he just couldn't tolerate it. To be honest, I've been wondering how much of this new, affectionate behavior has been precisely that—a desperate attempt to get things back to normal."

Her pessimism is a real bummer, but she does have a point. There is still one thing that wouldn't fit, though. "What would be the point of trying to placate you with a passionate kiss if he did so at a time when you wouldn't remember it? Wouldn't that defeat the purpose?" Bernadette asks.

"Apologizing for it wouldn't make sense either," Penny says. "And I'd also like to add that it's extremely rare for Sheldon to do anything at all that he doesn't want to, much less all of the stuff that you've been talking about. Amy, you of all people should know that by now."

"That's true. It would be unusual. I can't tell you how much I want to believe that he has been acting out of what he wants for himself. Sheldon has been telling me that I've been wrong about him, about a lot of things. It's not often that I hope he's right and I'm wrong, but I sure do when it comes to this."

Deciding to state the most obvious course of action, Bernadette suggests, "If you want to know the truth, you should ask him about it."

Amy's reply is a sputtered mess. "I—I can't do that. It's not—we don't do that. We don't talk like that."

Penny raises an eyebrow. "Well maybe that's the problem, sweetie. I mean, if you think things are over between the two of you, then what've you got to lose by asking?"

In self-deprecating fashion, Amy mumbles, "The last tiny shreds of my self respect."

Bernadette feels bad for her friend, and she sees a look of pity on Penny's face too. Amy sighs before continuing in a more normal voice, "I guess I've never spoken to him about certain things because I've always been afraid of what kind of answers I would get. It's always been easier to hope for the best than to risk having him tell me outright that he doesn't want the same things that I do. But maybe you guys are right. At this point, it's got to be for the best to know the truth, whatever that truth might be."

They all eat in silence for a moment, until Penny sets down her chopsticks with a decisive motion. "You know, Amy, you might want to prepare yourself for the possibility that he does want what you want. I still say that him kissing you like that had to be an act of lust. I mean, it's Arkham's Raisin. Leonard taught me all about it. The simplest explanation for something is usually the right one, and there's nothing simpler than a man wanting to get tab A into slot B."

The air of scholarly wisdom in Penny's tone forces Bernadette to have to stifle a giggle. She manages to get it down to a smile when she says, "I think you might mean Occam's Razor."

Having picked up her chopsticks and taken another big mouthful of food, Penny shrugs. She swallows and then waves her chopstick-free hand. "Whatever. My point is the same." She turns back to Amy. "And that point, my friend, is that you better mow your lady lawn and shave your legs, girl."

—

When Leonard stops by Penny's apartment to pick up some forgotten paperwork, he decides that he might as well eat lunch in 4A while he's there. With Sheldon gone for the next week or so, someone has to eat any perishable foods, and besides, it'll be a nice treat to eat in his own apartment in quiet solitude. Such an opportunity doesn't come up very often.

When he opens the door to the apartment, he finds Sheldon sitting in his spot, engrossed in something on his laptop screen. So much for a peaceful meal.

"What are you doing here? Did Amy kick you out already?"

Sheldon looks up. "Don't be absurd. Penny and Bernadette came over to visit Amy for lunch, so I thought I would come visit my spot and collect some essential items."

"So all three of them kicked you out."

"No one kicked me out, Leonard. They didn't have to. I have important matters to address, and I have no interest in gossip, giggling, painting my toenails, or waxing absolutely any part of my body whatsoever. It's best to leave the ladies to…"

He waves a hand dismissively, obviously searching for an end to his sentence. "Whatever it is that they do."

Leonard decides not to let Sheldon interfere with his lunch plans. He heads to the kitchen and begins assembling a sandwich, making ample use of anything that might spoil anytime soon. More often than not, when he makes a sandwich, his roommate is apt to look over his shoulder and critique his placement of ingredients, his ratio of meats and cheese to bread, and his distribution of condiments. Sheldon seems to be too engrossed in whatever he's reading to even notice what Leonard's doing, and the process of making a sandwich goes much smoother without his roommate's unasked for assistance.

While he's pouring himself a drink, he sees Sheldon gently close the top on his laptop, place it on the table in front of him, and sit back in his spot with a sigh.

"Something on the internet annoy you? Did someone use the word 'loose' when they meant 'lose'?" he asks, settling into the chair next to the couch.

As expected, even the mention of that word usage makes Sheldon twitch. "Ugh, no. Thankfully, I haven't encountered that travesty yet today. I was merely consulting Google on a matter of great import."

Leonard takes a quick sip of apple juice. "I haven't checked the news today. Is there some recent scientific breakthrough that I should know about?"

"No, this research was of a more personal nature."

That's interesting. If Penny were here, he is certain that she would not let that go. Maybe being married to her is transferring some of her tendencies to him because he finds himself curious as well. "Did you find what you were looking for?"

Sheldon grunts. "I did find the answers that I needed, but they were not the answers that I wanted."

His wife would be able to ask nosy questions more effectively, but Leonard decides to give up on it. It might be best not to know anyway. Instead, he asks, "How are things with Amy?" He fully expects those two to be back together soon, if they aren't already. After all, he doesn't believe that either of them really wanted to be apart in the first place.

"Things with Amy are infinitely better than things without Amy. It's a challenge, though, as you might expect."

Living with a woman might be complicated, but so is living with a Sheldon, and no one knows that better than Leonard. He snorts. "A challenge for her to deal with you, or you to deal with her? That could go either way."

With an unamused look, he replies, "Leonard, I have been floating along in the choppy, turbulent flows of estrogen and irrationality, hoping that my little dinghy of logic and reason will not be capsized. Things have been difficult for me."

"I can't say I've ever found testosterone to make for a more reasonable, clear-headed existence. But I suppose you wouldn't know what I mean by that."

He is surprised when Sheldon continues to look at him with a serious face. "I have a flawless hormonal profile. I know very well what you mean. That's part of the problem."

Leave it to Sheldon to consider his hormones a problem. "You know, when you have a problem such as that, you might want to bring it up with Amy, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, I intend to." Casting a glare to his closed laptop, he adds, "Unfortunately, circumstance is prepared to thwart my valiant efforts yet again."

Leonard can decipher his roommate's atypical thought processes better than most people, but he can't quite puzzle out this vague statement. "I figured you guys would be back together by now. Does that mean that things aren't going well? The two of you haven't managed to patch things up yet?"

"We were never broken, as far as I'm concerned, nor will we be. I've informed Amy of her logical errors, and with the weight of the evidence I have gathered, I expect her to fully concede to my rightness as soon as I have the opportunity to present it."

"Oh that should go over well. Nothing woos a woman quite like telling her how wrong she is."

Sheldon tips his head in affirmation. "Indeed. And it's no small degree of incorrectness, either. In any case, I was hoping to demonstrate the full extent of the error or her ways as soon as possible, but unfortunately, a key piece of information cannot yet be brought to bear upon the proceedings."

Chewing and swallowing gives time for Leonard to think that over, but it still doesn't make much sense to him. He gives the only advice he can think of. "Don't worry. I'm sure you two will work things out in time. Just be patient and keep being there for her in the way that you have been for the past two days. She'll come around."

"That is the plan. However, Amy is quite tired of patience at this point, and I'm inclined to agree. Alas, it isn't up to us."

Leonard is debating with himself about whether he wants to ask for more detail than that, but before he can decide how much Shamy he wants rattling around in his brain, Sheldon shuts down the conversation anyway. "Well that's enough about all of that. I have something entirely different to discuss—completely unrelated subject matter."

"Okay. What's up?"

He clears his throat. "Let's say, hypothetically, that a traveler from the past is sent into the future, to the here and now. It being more complicated to travel backwards in time, he finds himself stuck in the present."

Leonard continues to eat his lunch, wondering where Sheldon's strange mind is about to wander now. Hopefully it won't be onto a topic that will give him indigestion before he even finishes his sandwich.

Sheldon continues, "Due to his scientific diligence and intellectually rigorous pursuits, let's suppose that this gentleman has not previously been able to explore many of the world's social trivialities. In any case, among his myriad of issues, let's assume that this man has no familiarity within the realm of women or physical intimacy. If such an inexperienced genius were to find himself involved with a modern woman and the timing was right, what advice would you give him about pleasing her, if he were to, let's say, invite her to a pants-off dance-off?"

This is not hypothetical. Sheldon is no time traveler, nor is Leonard an idiot. "You're talking about you and Amy. Why don't you just ask me for sex advice directly?"

"What?" Sheldon squawks. "I don't know what you're talking about. This is an entirely hypothetical situation about an entirely hypothetical individual. I'm not a time traveler, Leonard. Not yet, anyway. Obviously this cannot be referring to me."

It's difficult to know what kind of answer to give in this spot. Just as he decides that it might be more comfortable to have this discussion while under the guise of Sheldon's ridiculous pretense, he sees his friend look down and admit, "But even if it weren't hypothetical, what would you suggest?"

—