—
Note: Wherever necessary, translational footnotes are at the end of a scene.
CHAPTER 25
Sheldon treats Amy to the first three episodes of Star Trek: The Next Generation, but her eyes appear to be half-closed, or even completely closed, throughout most of it. It's a shame that she's missing out on some of the action, but he supposes that it's more important for her to relax at this time anyway. Given their weighty discussions after dinner, he's pleased that she's able to do so.
When the credits roll on the third episode, she turns to him and says, "I can see why you chose this show. It's your plan to distract me from any carnal thoughts during this portion of my recovery period, isn't it?"
That is precisely why. "Yes. Turning to Star Trek in one's time of need is always a wise choice. It is for my own benefit as well."
She raises an eyebrow. "It's very effective. It's like an ALS ice bucket challenge straight to the libido. Still, now that you've admitted to sharing my desire for a sexual relationship, I don't know how I'm supposed to make it through the next several weeks of recuperation time without feeling… stressed, especially if you're going to continue to sleep next to me in my bed."
"I have a plan for that as well."
"You do? What is it?"
It seems like it should be obvious. Perhaps the temporary brain damage is to blame. "More Star Trek. Specifically, I figured that once we get in bed each night, I can help you focus your thoughts and get to sleep by teaching you Klingon."
"You're kidding."
"jIqID 'e' yIHarQo'." He translates for her, "That means 'don't think I'm joking'."
Not for the first time, his brilliance appears to have left her speechless. He stands to offer a hand. "Come on, an early bedtime seems prudent for the next few weeks."
"Sheldon, how do you say 'I'm not tired at all' in Klingon?"
"JlDoy'be'chu'taH."
She stares at him with one raised eyebrow, and he starts to think that maybe that was a rhetorical question. In any case, she does accept his hand, and together they make their way to her bedroom, stopping for a brief detour along the way for her to use the bathroom.
When she sits on the end of her bed and takes the nightgown from his outstretched hand, she insists that she wants to try to dress herself. He doesn't argue. Given their unusual situation, it might be for the best, and she has seemed much steadier today than she did yesterday, so she will probably be able to do it.
Sheldon gathers his own pajamas and retreats to the bathroom. He takes his time getting changed, and then spends a further few minutes staring at his face in the mirror, opting to engage in a brief session of Kolinahr. Other tension relieving techniques might be advantageous, but after so many years, stifling these sorts of impulses is second nature to him, so Kolinahr and Klingon lessons ought to suffice.
He returns to her room to find that she has succeeded in getting herself dressed, and she is sitting up in bed with a smile on her face. Happy to take his place next to her, he is careful to keep his body a safe distance from her own. His mother would have called it 'leaving room for Jesus'.
Despite their previous conversation, the moment feels awkward. Sheldon isn't used to navigating any kind of intimate situation such as this, and though his attraction to her is stronger than it has ever been, and he suspects she feels the same, under no circumstances can they allow themselves to act upon it. He forces himself to think about something else. At least her bed is comfortable. He relaxes into the soft pillows that prop him up against the headboard and ponders how best to begin Klingon lessons.
Amy, of course, doesn't make things that easy. "Sheldon, I want to talk more about point number three."
He stares at her, barely blinking. "QaQ qechvam 'e' vIQubbe'."
She tilts her head. "Sheldon, speak English, please."
"Very well. I said, 'I don't think that is a good idea'."
"You told me that you had more to say. I've had a few hours of rest, and I want to hear you out. I think I can handle a purely theoretical conversation consisting of the facts of this matter, don't you?"
Regardless of whether she can handle it, he's pretty sure that he can't. Even the simplest contemplation of coitus with Amy is enough to make his heart race and his blood pressure soar. It's best not to chance it having a similar effect on her. He doesn't want to rile her up again now that she's settled down.
"Your brain will require three to five more weeks of healing time before point number three becomes applicable." This is the unassailable truth of their situation. He doesn't like it either, but he won't risk her health, especially not when it comes to the endangered squishy bits of her intellect. He loves her mind above all else.
"That doesn't mean that we can't talk about it," she reasons.
"Perhaps not. But it does mean that we don't need to rush through the topic at the end of an already exhausting day. Rest takes precedence."
She attempts to negotiate. "Five minutes of discussion."
"In the morning, sure."
"Fine," she huffs, folding her arms across her chest.
"Where were we? Ah yes, Klingon. Now that is something we can discuss."
"Do we have to?"
"DuH 'oH Dochvam neH." (1)
"I can't believe you're going to make me learn Klingon when I want to talk to you about something that is so much more important."
"It's for your own wellbeing. And besides, tlhoS SoHvaD jIjatlhvIp." (2)
He doesn't think he could make himself admit it to her in English, but it's true that he's nervous about having that conversation. It will represent a big change in the status quo for them, and he has no experience with the subject. Nothing leaves him more unsettled than change or a lack of expertise, and that topic represents a mixture of both.
"Sheldon, stop that. I don't know what you're saying."
"Annoying, isn't it? Piques your intellectual curiosity, though, does it not? Perhaps I am saying things that would be of great interest to you. Don't you want to learn and find out?"
She looks at him with narrowed eyes, but he thinks she might be coming around. Tantalizing her intellect is amusing him tremendously, and it makes him smile when he imagines what the guttural tones of Klingon will sound like in her voice.
He looks into her eyes and confesses, "qamuSHa'choH. SoHvaD ngagh vIneH." (3)
Her little arms are still folded over her chest, and her turned in eyebrows may very well indicate further irritation. If she would just give in and learn the Klingon already, he is certain that she would not be annoyed by his sentiments at all.
(1) This is the only alternative.
(2) I am nervous to talk with you.
(3) I am in love with you. I want to mate with you.
—
The next morning, Amy awakens to find that Sheldon is already up and out of bed. Her alarm clock reads 8:47 AM, long past his usual wake up time, and it's long past hers as well. Wanting to continue regaining her independence, she decides to attempt walking to the bathroom on her own. She sits up and gets her feet on the floor, but gets no further than that before Sheldon's bat-like hearing summons him from the other room.
"I've been feeling a lot less dizzy. I think I can navigate the thirty feet to my bathroom without assistance," she grumbles.
His response is a simple warning reminder. "Hard surfaces, Amy. There's no reason to risk it."
She can think of a hard surface that sounds appealing right now, but Sheldon's unlikely to allow her contact with that, either. He helps her to the bathroom and back, and then politely leaves so that she can get dressed.
As she pulls off her nightgown, she considers how best to approach the day. Sheldon's revelations from the previous evening eclipse almost every other thought that she tries to have. In many ways, it still feels unreal to her. She has never before awoken in a world where he wants their relationship every bit as much as she does, where he wants to marry her, have children with her, and partake in the most intimate of physical acts with her. The thought makes her pause in the act of undressing. From what he has said, it sounds like she has lived in a world where all of those things are true for some unspecified length of time. She just wasn't cognizant of it. Now that she does know, she is unsure of how to negotiate her new, topsy-turvy existence.
It seems to her that more information would be helpful. She doesn't doubt what he has been saying, but trying to reconcile it with her previous assumptions is a challenge. If she decides to press the issue, she'll need to be careful. She does not want to make Sheldon uncomfortable or force him to do anything that he doesn't want to. If anything, maybe it would be best to give him some space right now.
Unfortunately, reality beckons in the form of hygienic necessity. Instead of putting on her clothing, she reaches for her robe and wraps herself up tight. She doesn't want Sheldon to think that she's up to any licentious trickery, but she does need a bath.
He shows up within seconds of her calling his name and looks at her with a puzzled expression, no doubt noticing her attire, or lack thereof. It doesn't seem to rattle him, however.
"I made do with half-measures yesterday," she explains. "Today, I think I ought to bathe properly."
While last night she could detect signs of nervous excitement from Sheldon, this morning he appears relaxed and unaffected, even as she sits in front of him clad in nothing more than a robe. It makes her wonder what sexual interest actually entails for him.
He smiles, looking proud of himself. "You'll be pleased to know that when I was out yesterday, I acquired a shower chair for you. Once I help you into the seat, you can disrobe and shower as normal."
"That's… thank you. It means a lot to me that you thought of that. I do want to do these things for myself again."
His thoughtfulness does make her happy. At the same time, his continued nonchalance is starting to make her feel insecure. She sat through a nauseating amount of Star Trek last night to distract herself, but this morning she can still feel the nagging pull of arousal. Sheldon, it seems, does not. At some point last night, he did agree to give her five minutes of discussion on the topic of intimacy. Even though she doesn't want to pressure him, she wants those five minutes right now.
When he reaches down for her elbow to support her while she stands, Amy resists and remains seated. "You seem awfully content this morning," she says.
Sheldon smiles again and sits next to her, close enough that the full length of his arm brushes against hers. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be? After so many days of upheaval, I awoke this morning at my normal hour. It's quite refreshing to find my circadian rhythms settling back into place this quickly. In addition to that, your healing has been going well, and, most importantly of all, you are no longer mired in the ridiculous delusion that you aren't my girlfriend. It's a good day."
She manages a weak smile of her own and murmurs, "You're right. It is a good day."
For all the years that she has known him, Sheldon has not demonstrated much, if any, overt sexual interest. More often than not, she has wondered if he even understands the concept. Nevertheless, as the best boyfriend in the world, he has routinely held her hand, hugged her, and kissed her. As of last night, he has even admitted to having plans for coitus.
His interest in all of this seems genuine, but she cannot reconcile these new claims with the man she has always known him to be. It raises a few troubling questions. Is he forcing himself to want this for her sake? If not, if this is purely of his own volition, what the hell has been going on during the earlier parts of his life?
Her internal pondering must be going on for too long because Sheldon squints at her and says, "You seem a bit out of sorts. Do you often feel grouchy in the morning? I can understand if you're accustomed to starting your day with the comfort of a hot beverage. Do you drink coffee? I'd bring you some, but caffeine is a stimulant and thus ill-advised so soon after a concussion. I could check your cabinets for some decaffeinated tea, if you'd like."
"I don't care about coffee, and I'm not bothered by the lack of a hot beverage. It's just that…"
Amy bites her lip, unsure of how best to explain. She is elated, frustrated, aroused, and confused. It's her standard set of emotions when it comes to Sheldon, but these feelings are all magnified by recent events. If there is an easy way to make him understand, she can't think of how to put words to it. "I've been thinking about some things. I have questions that only you can answer."
He looks a bit nervous at that. "Are these… point number three inquiries?"
He is quicker on the uptake than she would have anticipated. "Yes. I know that you've always found this topic to be uncomfortable, at best, and for that reason, I guess I'm not sure of the proper way to handle this."
Sheldon fidgets with a loose string that hangs from the sleeve of her robe. "I didn't think that I was unclear about my intentions."
"You weren't, and I'm not doubting the veracity of your claim. What puzzles me is the intentions behind those intentions. You told me that you want a sexual relationship with me, and even though you shut down our conversation about it, I thought you seemed as…" She pauses to wave her hand and dig through her mind for the right word before continuing, "…as stressed—as aroused—as I was. But this morning, you are relaxed and calm in a way that I can't comprehend after what we talked about. What am I supposed to make of that?"
—-
Of all of the things she could start by asking, she has to land right on an embarrassing one. Sheldon blushes and licks his lips. "I have not been disinterested this morning. Amy, as you well know, sexual arousal and climax are contraindicated for you in the aftermath of a concussion. As such, I thought it best not to burden you with this issue."
"Burden me anyway," she demands. "That isn't an answer."
This is not something he's used to talking about. "Very well," he sighs. "I am feeling unencumbered this morning because I've already had my own shower."
Despite his best attempt to give her a knowing look, she continues to stare at him. "And?"
People call him clueless, but here she is, unable to decipher the obvious. Fortunately, he remembers the whimsical way that Howard once referred to this matter. "And in the course of my ablutions, I engaged in a bit of… lightsaber practice with hands solo."
It still takes her a few seconds, but once her mouth drops open, he figures she must have finally gotten it. "Oh. I, um, hadn't considered that."
He clears his throat and rushes to add, "In any case, I want you to get better, and I refuse to risk your wellbeing over prurient interests that can wait. You shouldn't mistake my propriety this morning for a lack of enthusiasm. With that settled, what would you like for breakfast?"
His attempts to shove her mind away from his admission are futile. She doesn't seem the least bit deterred by his attempt to shift the topic. "Do you do that a lot?" she asks.
If he is going to make love to her at some point soon, he knows that he shouldn't be uncomfortable about a simple question like this. It still makes him squirm. "'A lot' would be a subjective measure."
That doesn't stop her either. "Fine. Objective facts it is. How often?"
He looks at his knees while he answers. "It varies. Generally, it is as often as any given date night or get-together of ours."
When he turns his head back up to look at her, he finds that she is staring at his lap where his hands rest on his thighs. Whether she's looking at his hands or trying to spot something else is unclear. More often than not, Sheldon has no idea about what another person might be thinking, and her unwavering scrutiny is starting to make him miss that ignorance. Right now, he is quite certain of what's on her mind.
He snaps his fingers to startle her to attention, not wanting her thoughts to carry her off to the land of rising vital signs. "Does that tell you what you needed to know?"
Biting her lip, Amy gives a slow nod. "It's quite informative. Um, to be honest, after five years, I'm stunned to have found out that you harbor any kind of sexual interest in me, or even just in a general sense. It doesn't fit what I thought I knew of you. I don't understand what has changed. Sheldon, are you sure that physical intimacy is something that you want, or are you trying to talk yourself into it because you want to make me happy?"
He longs for the simple conversations in life, things like quantum mechanics, general relativity, and string theory. Love is so confusing in comparison. Considering how often she has misunderstood him when it comes to this intimacy business, perhaps it would be best to put it all out there, to offer full disclosure.
"I've been trying to figure out how to explain things in a way that you'll understand," he begins. "But of all people, I think that you will be able to. Back when I met you, you were devoted to science, uninterested in emotional relationships, and baffled by those who allow their hindbrains to rule them. You believed love to be an unnecessary construct, and we had to perform a differential diagnosis before you could even recognize signs of sexual arousal in yourself. So let me ask you first, what changed for you?"
Amy is quiet for a moment, and he's glad that she's the one put on the spot this time. He's considerably less glad when he hears some of the sad things that she has to say.
"I grew up with essentially no friends and certainly with no boyfriends. People didn't seem to like me, nor did they understand me, and there were a number of things that weren't part of my life as a result of that. I think it was a self-protective, natural consequence for me to become the woman I was when you met me. It was easier for me to tell myself that I didn't want emotional entanglements or sexual relationships than it was for me to admit to myself that it wasn't even an option. No one wanted that with me."
It seems unfathomable to Sheldon that people would choose to not have Amy in their lives. He can't imagine a better friend. "People are stupid," he commiserates, having lived a similar childhood. Her words bring something else to mind, something he has wondered about for a while. "Is that why you lie?"
Her head jerks to face him. "What?"
"Self-surgery on webbed toes, claims of impossible hip angles and brittle knees. You are fond of making ludicrous, self-deprecating statements about yourself, particularly with regard to your body."
With pink cheeks, she answers, "I didn't think that you noticed that. Yes, those are obviously not true. It's an old habit that crops up when I'm uncomfortable in some way. When I was younger, I found that the best way to deal with the inevitable teasing or insults from my peers was to beat them to it by making things up. It hurts a lot less to be mocked for something that isn't true. When I met you and Penny, I continued to say those kinds of things as a test of sorts, I guess. But neither of you have given me a hard time for even my most outlandish tales. You've just accepted me, oddities and all. Since you both befriended me so readily, my quirks and I were safe with the two of you in a way that I had never experienced before."
He nods. "You've changed a lot since I first met you."
"All of my assumptions about people and relationships had to change in light of my newfound friends. I learned that I had a number of habits that were pushing people away, and once I acquired a few social skills, I began to reevaluate everything else. As it turned out, I wasn't the cold, emotionless, robotic woman that I thought I was, especially not when it came to my feelings for you."
"You weren't cold and emotionless then, nor are you now," he agrees.
Taking hold of her good hand, he begins his own explanation. "People didn't like or understand me either. They often still don't. I latched on to intellectual pursuits in a similar way as yourself. Beyond that, I became convinced that a purely intellectual way of life was superior to anything else, and whatever emotions I had, I taught myself to channel them into the productive outlet of science."
Amy looks at him, bobbing her head from time to time. Of course she understands. Sheldon continues, "To assure myself of my rightness, I regularly observed those around me. People always seemed to find a way to make themselves miserable in one mindless fashion or another, and a frequent culprit was sexual impropriety. I'm afraid to say that I witnessed this firsthand from my father, who not only made himself unhappy, but my mother and the rest of my family as well.
"Striving to be a purely intellectual being, I vowed to discard any errant sexual impulses along with every other emotion. I believe the proper term would be sublimation. Anyhow, I never found that to be difficult at all. There was never anything sexually appealing about any of the women I met because they were always so utterly unattractive in their lack of intellectual capacity. Becoming friends with Leonard and the guys was nice, in a way, but they were just as ruled by their hindbrains as anyone. My observations of people over the years did nothing to dissuade me from my existing opinion that it was all a distasteful business."
Glancing at Amy, he can't figure out what she might be thinking. She is looking at him with her full attention, her eyes fixed on him aside from the occasional blink. He feels a little shy about all of this, but he holds her gaze and gives her hand a gentle squeeze when he says, "And then you came along, one-hundred and thirty pounds of cardigans, stubbornness, and brilliance, ready and able to challenge my hypotheses. There was never anything unattractive about you. Superman has Kryptonite, Achilles had his heel, and the Star Wars franchise has George Lucas. As for me? I have you. You came kicking through the walls of my well-ordered, logical world with your chunky orthopedic shoes. You're my own little five-foot, 4-inch apocalypse."
After a few seconds of silence, she says, "That's beautiful, Sheldon." Brushing a little moisture out of the corners of her eyes, she smiles and adds, "I understand how perceptions and even long-held convictions can change. After years of denying your impulses, both sexual and emotional, I'm honored that you've chosen to share those things with me."
He scoffs. "You should be honored. Sheldon Cooper abhors change."
At his words, she tilts her head back and says, "Now that you mention it, I'm still not clear about the timing of this particular change. You've had me invading your life for five years, so why is the shift in your sexual worldview happening at this time?"
He blinks at her. She's kidding, right? "I told you, Sheldon Cooper abhors change."
It's Amy's turn to scoff. "Yes, I'm well aware. That's why this sudden shift is so odd."
"Oh. I see your confusion. This change isn't sudden. Surely you can't have missed the other steps we've taken?"
"No," she admits. "Though, you did tend to voice complaints about some of it to the point where I often wondered if you had regrets."
"Well, I assure you I have had no such regrets. As you may have noticed, I'm a very strong-willed person."
"You mean obstinate? Yes, I've noticed that."
"Fine, call it what you will. My point is that my resistance to change is innate. And the more important the subject matter, the more hesitant I am to jeopardize things in any way. Amy, I was filling my apartment with cats the first time we had a disagreement that separated us. You only became more and more essential thereafter. Because of who I am and how I am, I couldn't afford to take unnecessary risks with our relationship. Other people can make mistakes, find new lovers, move on with their lives. I can't. It isn't like that for me. There is only you and that has necessitated extreme caution.
"Being intimate… that's a big change. I've seen people wreck their lives and act like fools over coitus for as long as I can remember, so it isn't something I take lightly. I have wanted that with you, yes, but taking that step has felt daunting. The inertia was comfortable, and I loved everything about the way that we already were. So I thought, why risk it?
"The flaw in that plan, as you know, is that my avoidance of making a choice was, in fact, still a choice. Once you ended things, once you were gone, it was easy to see how unwise my indecisiveness had been. I tried to keep our relationship safe, but my attempts ended up having the opposite effect. Once I got your letters and figured out the extent of our miscommunication, I knew that I could set things right. Everything that you wanted was everything that I already wanted to give you."
He finishes with a shrug, "And having been through all of that, I fail to see a point in holding back anymore. Stifling our relationship has done nothing to protect it."
With nothing else to say, Sheldon can only hope that his explanation is sufficient. Amy lays her head on his shoulder and hugs his right arm between both of hers like a human sphygmomanometer. He thinks that the gesture must indicate acceptance of his words, but they've had so many misunderstandings lately that he decides to ask her outright. "Did that explanation help a little?"
She turns her face up, and he sees some shiny wetness in her eyes as well as a bit that has escaped down her pink cheeks. Her chin quivers when she tries to smile. "Yes, it does."
Relieved, Sheldon gently frees his arm from her grasp so that he can wrap it around her body instead. He pulls her in against his chest, so close that he can feel her hot breath on his neck and his ear. With her face only a few inches away, he can't resist the urge to lean down and brush his lips against hers.
To thwart any further temptations, he sits up straight and tucks her head against his chest, directly under his chin. This limited contact will have to suffice, for now.
—-
Note: The conversation of the past two chapters was probably the toughest part of the story to write. I hope it suited the characters and their situation well enough.