—

CHAPTER 27

Watching Amy and Bernadette attempt yoga for the first time amuses Penny a great deal. Neither of her friends place exercise all that high on their list of priorities in life, but they seem to be giving it their best shot. They have pushed Penny's furniture back to clear an area in her living room, and with stiff, clumsy movements, the two of them follow her lead, arranging themselves into increasingly complicated poses. As fun as it is to see them trying not to topple over, the most bizarre sight of all has to be Amy and Bernadette wearing yoga pants.

Penny suggested this particular girls' night activity to help encourage Amy with her physical therapy. Simple stretches and strength exercises are of value, but she is beyond that stage now, and she should challenge herself more. The complex, full-bodied movements of yoga should help her regain her coordination and balance in a much more useful manner.

"Yoga tradition teaches that there are seven main points of the body that are vortexes of energy. They're called chakras. Next, I'm going to teach you guys a pose for each one: heart, pelvic, navel, root, throat, third-eye, and crown. What do you think?"

"I think that personal energy vortexes sound like a bunch of cha-crap, but I'm up for learning the poses," Bernadette says.

Amy nods her own agreement, so Penny begins by demonstrating a full wheel pose. "This position is a backbend to open the heart chakra, which is all about feeling lovable and being compassionate."

Bernadette manages to stretch and hold the position, but Amy quickly lands on her rear end. "I think my chakras would rather stay closed," she says.

Penny lowers herself back to her yoga mat and faces Amy. "Oh come on, that's just the first one. It is a super tough one, though, if your wrist isn't up to bending that far yet."

Bernadette makes her way out of the pose in an ungraceful fashion, nearly bouncing her head off her mat. She sits up and says, "I think we're all doing well enough in matters of the heart anyway. Let's skip to the next one."

Penny taps her chin. "Okay, fair enough. Next is the pelvic chakra, and I thought we could try a low squat for that. It might put a lot of pressure on your ankle, Amy, but it's a basic movement that you should regain after your injury."

All three of them are able to get into this particular position, and she continues her explanation, "The pelvic, or sacral chakra is about personal acceptance of the self, often having a slight emphasis with regards to sexual relationships."

That makes Bernadette snort. "Now that Amy and Sheldon have been shacking up for weeks, I think we're all doing just fine with our pelvic chakras too."

Penny giggles, but a quick glance to her left reveals a startled, pink-cheeked Amy. Looking flustered, her friend stands and says, "Let's talk about something else. Who wants wine?"

She takes a step towards Penny's kitchen, but Penny leaps up and snags her elbow before she can get very far. It has been difficult not to pry, but for the past several weeks, she and Bernadette have agreed to avoid quizzing Amy about Sheldon's sexual prowess. They have been assuming that everything is going well on that front because the two of them have seemed almost giddy ever since they got back together.

"No, let's not talk about something else. Amy, what's going on?" Penny asks. "You told us that all of your relationship issues were cleared up."

Amy glances longingly into the kitchen, perhaps wishing for that alcohol. "That's true. But, um, Sheldon and I haven't… well, you know. My pelvic chakra? It has remained closed for business."

"Really? But you guys have been living together, and with the way Sheldon was staring at your ass in those yoga pants when you two got here, I thought for sure…"

The pink in her cheeks burns brighter. "He did not."

Penny scoffs. "He did so. In fact, he's been checking out your rear view for years. You just don't catch him because you aren't facing the right way when it happens."

"Okay, fine. It's not that I doubt his interest in me, anyway."

Bernadette joins in and says, "I'm sure your concussion would've kept the train of lovin' out of the station for quite a while, but I thought you got back good reports from your neurologist almost two weeks ago. Did something go wrong? Did you have complications?"

Amy shakes her head, much to Penny's relief, and says, "No, I'm fine. There was another minor medical matter that necessitated a bit of additional sexual procrastination, but as of last week, that's been taken care of as well."

Feeling perplexed, Penny says, "So the two of you have been sleeping together every night for like a month and a half, and you both know what you want. I know it's Sheldon that we're talking about, but how the heck are you guys managing that ridiculous level of repression?"

"When we go to bed each night, he provides a distraction in the form of Klingon lessons."

If there's a good response to that lunacy, Penny can't think of it. Bernadette says, "You're kidding, right?"

"No, I'm quite serious. vIQIjlaHbe' je."

Together, Penny and Bernadette stare at her. Did Amy just have a stroke, or was that strange sound Klingon?

She clarifies, "That means that I can't quite explain it either. Anyway, I'm not sure why he chose Klingon lessons, but the important thing is that it has worked. In fact, I think it was brilliant of him to come up with that. Now that I'm better, we will no longer need to resort to it, but... well, I'm also not sure of how to proceed. Sheldon and I have certain well-established patterns of behavior, many years worth, and it's hard to break out of that. That isn't how we are together, you know?"

A sexual relationship between those two is difficult for Penny to imagine too. It seems to her that what Amy needs most right now is a bit of confidence. Perhaps a reminder might help. "You admitted that you believe he's attracted to you, and you know that he wants to have sex with you. Keep that in mind above everything else. It's going to be fine."

"I know. I don't doubt him. I really don't. Actually…"

Amy falls silent for a few seconds, but then she bites her lip and continues, "I found a letter from Sheldon today on my desk at work. He wrote it in response to my own letters way back when I was hiking, but he wouldn't give it to me until now. It was a love letter which, um, stated his sexual intentions."

Bernadette's mouth drops open and her eyebrows start rising. She squeaks, "A love letter from Sheldon? What did it say?"

Fanning herself with her hand, Amy replies, "I don't want to reveal too much, but let's just say that every time he mentioned the dopaminergic reward system or the pudendal nerve... well, it sure got my endocrine system churning."

It doesn't sound sexy at all to Penny, but she decides to take her word for it. "Um, okay, so if he finally gave you that letter today, maybe that's his way of telling you that he's ready to move forward tonight."

That suggestion is enough to shift Amy away from fanning herself. Instead, she switches to biting her thumbnail. She stops nibbling long enough to say, "It may very well mean that. Even though it's what I have always wanted with him, it still makes me nervous. I can't picture him making that first move."

Bernadette offers a solution that seems obvious to Penny too. "Then maybe you should."

Her response is instantaneous. "I can't. I won't. I promised myself a long time ago that I would not pressure Sheldon about this. In the past, I've pushed him for physical affection, simple things like holding hands and kissing. It was all very innocent, but sometimes it still felt like I was making him do something he didn't entirely want. Anyway, when it comes to this, I refuse to push him. It's important to me that he be free to decide on this step for himself."

Penny remembers the couple's history well. "That's understandable. Those years weren't always easy for you, I know. But things are very different between you guys now. He has already made the decision. You know what he wants, so there's nothing wrong with giving him a little encouragement."

Amy bows her head, and Penny hopes it means that she's come to agree. In any case, it's clear what the girl needs. The navel chakra is for confidence, to replace insecurities, and they should all be able to manage the boat pose. The throat chakra helps with clear communication, which is something those two could definitely use, and the corresponding fish pose shouldn't be difficult. Some trust in her intuition would be good for Amy too, so perhaps they can get started on the third-eye as well.

Penny wraps her arm around Amy's hunched shoulders. "Honey, it's time that we get back to work on your chakras."

—-

Howard always appreciates the moments when it's just he and the guys hanging out. It's not that he doesn't enjoy having the ladies around, but sometimes it's nice for a man to be able to sit back and adjust his balls without anyone shooting him a dirty look. It's also refreshing to not have anyone around who would be inclined to ask him what he is thinking about or how he is feeling. Quite often, the answer is that he is contemplating hot chicks, engineering, or nothing at all. He has found that none of those responses are prudent when a woman asks him that question. Sometimes full honesty is not the best policy.

Seated next to him, he sees Raj give a quick glance to the door. When the girls had mentioned yoga, his friend's face lit up with delight. It was obvious that he was sorely tempted to join in on ladies' night. Whether Raj's desire was to stare at three shapely rear ends in yoga pants or an interest in maintaining his own figure for swimsuit season, Howard still isn't sure. In the end, he did man up and choose to stay at 4A and play cards.

At the moment, Sheldon is battling Leonard while Raj and Howard thumb through their respective collections to trade. It looks like Sheldon is short on resources, so he expects to hear Leonard gloating about a victory any minute now.

Sure enough, Leonard soon does the over-exaggerated fist pump of a braggart. Sheldon glowers in obvious frustration, and it isn't a new sight. He always hates losing, and this evening he seems to be even more prone to irritation than usual.

The next matches are set to be Leonard versus Raj and Howard versus Sheldon. It's always so tempting to rile Sheldon up with some trash talk, so while they shuffle up and draw their opening hands, he ponders what topic would most set his opponent off his game.

It's low-hanging fruit, but Howard decides to pick it anyway. "So, Jon Snow, while I have often heard that you know nothing, rumor has it that even you have figured out where to put it."

Sheldon plays his first card without speaking, a clear attempt to ignore the opening gambit. Surely he must know by now that ignoring Howard does not deter him.

He continues, "Seriously, you and Amy have been playing house for quite a while now. Are you enjoying your transition from android to the full life of a real human male?"

Setting his cards face down, Sheldon folds his arms across his chest and glares at Howard. "I was born with a flawless set of chromosomes, and there is a Y in every single non-gamete cell. I have always been male, and I fail to see how living with Amy would affect my cellular composition."

Leonard looks up from his own game. "He's talking about coitus, Sheldon. And Howard, knock it off. That's none of your business."

"Of course it's none of my business," Howard agrees. "But that's why it's so fun to ask him about it. Besides, who doesn't enjoy bragging about their sexual exploits?"

Sheldon's face takes on the look of an offended supervillain. "For your information, concussions and physical gratification don't mix, so Amy and I have been taking things slowly. And for future reference, I highly recommend that you never again refer to her as a sexual exploit of mine, Howard."

It takes a moment for his reply to register in Howard's brain, but once it does, he finds himself regretting his choice of distracting chit-chat. It's no wonder that the guy has been acting more frustrated than usual. Everyone knows that he has it bad for Amy, and now that he's admitted to being a human being, it can't be easy for him to have spent so many weeks taking care of the woman he loves and sleeping by her side, all while circumstances force him to maintain a monk-like abstinence. It kind of reminds him of when people train a dog to balance a treat on its nose.

"I'm sorry. It was insensitive of me to bring up such a personal thing. I swear that I had no idea that things were anything less than ideal for you guys."

Once Sheldon picks up his cards, Howard supposes that he has been forgiven. It's got to be best to get back to the game, but he finds himself curious, and he also feels compelled to try to offer some commiseration. "So that's why you've been even more high-strung than usual, huh? That's understandable. All of us can relate to a little sexual frustration."

"I'm fine," Sheldon insists.

Howard has his doubts, and a quick glance shows him the skeptical faces of Leonard and Raj as well. He wonders if Sheldon is so uptight that he would deny himself completely. Maybe some advice would make him feel more comfortable with the idea of a bit of self lovin'. Howard clears his throat. "Well, as far as I can tell, Amy seems to be almost fully healed. In the meantime, I hope you've at least kept up with some solo practice. It helps."

At Sheldon's confused face, he decides to clarify, and he figures he might as well lighten the tense situation with a little inappropriate sexual humor. "You know, robbin' your own Batman, cranking the old-fashioned butter churn…"

Raj chortles and adds, "Shaking hands with the unemployed."

Leonard stifles his own snickering so that he can join in. "Test firing the Death Star."

Together, Raj, Leonard, and Howard declare, "That's no moon!"

They laugh, but as usual, Sheldon does not. He interrupts their merriment with a serious voice. "Gentlemen, please cease and desist. Can we not all act like mature adults just this once? We aren't children. We are grown men."

Chastened by his words, they all fall silent. Howard meant no offense, and he's sure that the other guys didn't either.

After a few seconds of quiet, Sheldon speaks again. "Thank you." Turning back to his cards, he adds, "Now, let's all get back to the serious business of playing Pokemon. Howard, my Pikachu uses Pika Punch on your Squirtle."

—-

Bernadette gathers her purse and says goodbye to Penny, but when she opens the door to leave, she finds herself face to face with Sheldon. Well, it's more like face to sternum.

"Good evening, ladies," he greets them both as he steps around Bernadette.

"Oh, hey Sheldon. I thought you left with Amy," says Penny.

"I told her that I needed to finish up here and that I would catch a ride home later. Speaking of which, I'll need a ride home later."

Penny shrugs. "Yeah, sure. So Amy's apartment is home to you now?"

"For the moment, yes, but I suspect we will move to my apartment soon enough. Speaking of which, please remind Leonard that the two of you need to gather your things and transfer them here posthaste."

"Hey, what if we don't want to move?"

It's Sheldon who shrugs this time. "I understand that the two of you are quite attached to me, but it's time to let me go."

"Are you serious? I was just referring to who should get the bigger apartment! You think we are the ones who are attached to you?" Penny asks, her voice squeaking with incredulity.

"Yes, of course. Anyhow, that's not what brings me here."

Bernadette sees that Penny has not yet regained her voice, so she asks on behalf of them both. "What does bring you over here?"

He looks over to her. "I'm glad you're still here, Bernadette. I have a matter to discuss which would benefit from the collective wisdom of multiple members of the Council of Ladies."

Unsure of what to think of that, she is curious enough about it to want to stay. She closes the door and offers, "Do you want me to call Amy and have her come back?"

"No, not in this particular instance. Amy is the center point of what I need to speak with you about. In any case, I have not arrived at ladies' night without some appropriate contributions."

He lifts up a plastic grocery bag that he was holding behind his back. One by one, he sets the contents out onto the coffee table. "I've come bearing dark chocolate, some kind of fruity lip gloss, and a few celebrity gossip magazines. They didn't have a section for girly romance novels, so this stuff will have to suffice."

"Sheldon, this is incredibly sexist," Bernadette growls, and she swipes the dark chocolate and stuffs it in her purse. "Not all women feel the need to gossip about celebrities or read dirty novels."

"Yeah, seriously," Penny snaps, reaching for the lip gloss. "We're all different. Some of us don't like chocolate all that much." She turns back and snags the magazines as well. "Ooh, Angelina Jolie…"

Bernadette breaks off a small piece of the chocolate bar from inside her purse. She munches on it, and her voice is a bit garbled when she says, "You shouldn't stereotype women like that."

"You seem to like the chocolate. And Penny, don't you own that deplorable Fifty Shades of Grey book?"

With a look of irritation, Penny mumbles, "That's not important."

He shrugs. "With how cranky you ladies are, perhaps I should've picked up some Midol and tampons instead."

"Sheldon!" they squeak in unison.

"I thought you were here for our help. Being rude is not the best way to go about that," Penny warns.

Offering her own piece of advice, Bernadette suggests, "You ought to consider talking about something else as fast as you can."

He takes a seat in the chair, and she and Penny sit side by side on the couch, both still shooting him looks of annoyance. "Very well," he says. "I'd rather cut to the chase anyhow. You see, Amy and I are planning to consummate our relationship soon. I thought it might be best to find out what women like by asking actual women."

"Are you kidding?" Penny exclaims. "You're here to ask for sex advice?"

"Wouldn't you feel more comfortable asking Leonard or the guys?" Bernadette adds, unsure of what to think about the impending conversation.

Sheldon scoffs. "I tried talking to Leonard. He recognized that I was asking about physical intimacy, but then he went off on a complete tangent and started talking about baseball and sailing." He waves his arm as if to sweep that prior discussion away.

Penny's face wrinkles with confusion. "He did? That doesn't sound right."

"Wait. Sheldon, what did he actually say?" Bernadette asks.

"Well, right away he started up on the unrelated topic of baseball, saying that I shouldn't try to steal third base without tagging second. And then he switched the subject again, talking about a little man in a canoe, and how one must get the permission of the captain before boarding the ship."

It takes Bernadette a few seconds to piece together Leonard's advice, and once she has done so, she has to stifle a snort. Next to her, Penny rests her forehead on her palm and says, "I can't believe he tried to explain things to you by using metaphors. He's known you for like a decade. Surely he should know better. This must be some kind of man thing."

Sheldon perks up. "Metaphors? You mean what he said had some meaning?"

"Didn't the guys ever tell you the baseball metaphor of what physical actions correspond to certain bases?" Bernadette answers with a question of her own.

"Oh. Now that you mention it, I do recall something like that. It's all a bit juvenile, if you ask me."

Penny picks up the explanation. "Second base is action above the waist and third base is down below. So he's trying to tell you… that you shouldn't invade Amy's southern territory until you've become king of her north."

"I'm not sure explaining a metaphor by using another metaphor is such a good idea," Bernadette warns.

"Yeah, but Sheldon actually knows Game of Thrones. It's a way better example than baseball."

Waving them both off, he says, "Fine, I get it. But what on Earth do intimate relations have to do with boating?"

Bernadette answers in a straightforward manner, figuring that someone should. "The little man in the canoe corresponds to female genitalia."

It doesn't take Sheldon long to understand. "Oh, I see. He meant the clitoris and labia. He could have just said that."

Hearing terms for sexual anatomy voiced by Sheldon is weirding Bernadette out. She doesn't know quite how to respond.

At least Penny seems to have something to say. "Um, yeah. He's suggesting you familiarize yourself with all of the important bits. I suspect that the permission of the captain thing is similar. Though, I suppose that one may also be referring to simply talking with Amy before you guys get it on. Either way, communication is good."

Sheldon nods and then tilts his head in a questioning manner. "I wonder why Leonard felt the need to go over all of that in such an odd way. It's not like I don't know how everything works. I'm not some sheltered simpleton. I know the basics."

With a skeptical expression, Penny says, "I'm sure you do, sweetie."

He elaborates, "I'm well aware of the need to stimulate the relevant nerves, and that it's wise to begin by testing out various erogenous zones, progressing from the distal regions to those involving mucocutaneous skin. Obviously one needs to initiate vascular engorgement to encourage the requisite plasma seepage and to increase the production of vasoactive intestinal polypeptide. Vaginal transudation is essential to aid in copulation. And that doesn't even begin to get into the topic of the pudendal nerve, its attendant dorsal nerve of the clitoris, and the hypothalamic–pituitary–adrenal axis."

Sheldon's intellectual recitation is likely to be accurate, but even Bernadette isn't that familiar with her own body. She recognizes the words 'clitoris' and 'stimulate', so she supposes he's good to go. Still, that might be the single most unsexy version of foreplay that has ever been uttered.

Penny's sarcasm indicates that she thinks so too. With a flat, unaffected voice she says. "Oh my God. Say it to Amy just like that. That'll be so hot."

"Yeah, it'll be a real panty-dropper," Bernadette adds.

He looks intrigued. "Do you think so?"

Penny wrinkles her nose and says, "Actually, yeah. Now that I think about it, she'd probably be enthralled. I mean, this is Amy that we're talking about here."

Even though they were not being serious, that may very well be the case. Bernadette shrugs and says, "Like we told you before, women are all different. Amy is certainly… a unique one as well."

Sheldon smiles. "That she is."

Once again, she finds herself at a lack of words. Fortunately, Penny speaks up and says, "Okay, so with all of that mumbo-jumbo that you just said, it seems that you know everything that you need to know."

"I'd say he knows far more than he needs to know," Bernadette interjects.

Penny turns to her. "I know, right?" She faces Sheldon before continuing, "Anyway, that makes me wonder what it is that you expect us to be able to tell you."

So often a know-it-all who's full of bravado, it's an unusual sight to see a bashful Sheldon looking down at his knees. He sounds vulnerable as he admits, "I just want things to go well. I want Amy to be happy, and the entire situation makes me nervous."

That's so incredibly sweet that Bernadette has to look at him a second time to double check that those words really came out of Sheldon's mouth. He is poking the arm of Penny's chair, not looking back at either of them.

Penny is the first to reply. "Oh Sheldon, you're going to do fine. If you're worried, the best thing to do is talk to Amy. And the second best thing that you can do is to stop taking it all so seriously. Yeah, it's important, but sex is also kind of a ridiculous act if you think about it."

Bernadette nods. "I don't think I've ever had sex with Howie without bursting into a fit of giggles at least once."

Their words must be helping at least a little bit because he is now looking at them again. "I suppose that's something to consider."

With a quick bob of her head, Penny agrees. "Yup. And besides, it's not like Amy's going to be rating your performance. You're her first and only lover, so you're going to be both her best and her worst, irregardless, so just have fun. That girl isn't going anywhere. She loves you no matter what, even during those times when you're an insensitive jerk, wielding tabloids and making sexist PMS accusations."

Speaking of insensitive, in response to their helpful advice, Sheldon only says, "Irregardless isn't a proper word. And you're welcome for the gossip rags."

Penny sighs and pinches the bridge of her nose. "Forget the grammar crap for once. You know what I meant. Relax, have fun, and enjoy yourself. If you do, then Amy will too."

With a thoughtful expression and a confident nod, Sheldon says, "Okay, I can do that."

He stands and starts walking towards the door with a purposeful stride. Just before he reaches it, he turns around and adds, "Thank you, both of you, for your assistance on this matter."

Bernadette tips her head in acknowledgement of his gratitude. Once again, she feels caught off guard by his behavior. This must be genuinely important to him. He doesn't tend to ask for help very often, much less acknowledge when he has received it.

With a little smirk, Penny says, "You know, I think of you as an annoying, lovable brother, and part of me would love to tease you about all of this, like, relentlessly." Her smirk fades to a more serious expression, and she continues, "But the truth is, you love Amy, you want her to be happy, and you seem determined to do your best at making sure that she is. And honey, that is all you really need."

—