Summary: It wasn't a feeling of want but a feeling of need. Bucky needed to remember what he did, those he killed, lives he destroyed. The process may have been slow, painful, and ugly, but in the end, he'd remember―and that was all that mattered. Civil War spoilers.

Disclaimer: I don't own the characters and storyline of Captain America. It belongs to Marvel and Disney.

Beneath the stains of time
The feelings disappear
You are someone else
I am still right here.

Hurt, Johnny Cash

Memoirs of a Forgotten Soldier

Bucky only sleeps because it is necessary to function. He hates to fall asleep became that is when his demons come to terrorize him―all those he killed, he sees them in his dreams.

So he writes them down―he writes down what happens in his nightmares because this way, he feels that he is doing those killed slight justice. He knows he will never forgive himself for doing what he's done but by doing this small thing, it keeps his agony at bay.

At least, for now.

.....

I never remember their faces.

They come at me as faceless humans, screaming and crying in pain. But these are my memories, that alone I know. I know because I'm still the Winter Soldier and they cry for sympathy and for freedom. They beg for me to let them go. They beg and beg and beg and I want to let them go, but my body doesn't listen. It listens only to the orders they gave.

That's when I see the gun.

I try everything to pull my arm away but it continues it reaches for the gun and I point it to their head no I scream they scream why why why so much blood―

.....

Bucky breaks the pen in his hand, splattering the ink all over the pages. His head pounds and his heart beats a million miles an hour. He watches as ink continues to drip onto the paper from his hand. He knows that he should clean up the mess, to clean up the papers so the black liquid doesn't run the journal, but why should he? This represents the tears he never cries; the anguish he continues to feel.

He feels nauseous.

.....

"Thank you Buck, but I can get by on my own."

"The thing is, you don't have to. I'm with you 'til the end of the line, pal."

.....

He is a wanted man.

Bucky sees his face plastered everywhere, alongside the symbol for S.H.I.E.L.D. and HYDRA. With the leaked files, everyone in the world knows of HYDRA and the chaos they caused. The world knows of his existence, of his betrayal. He clenches his fists in his pockets before walking away from the television screen, careful to keep his head down.

Cars speed past him and the people all around him start to blur as his thoughts become louder than the environment around him.

He is happy that his memories are slowly returning to him, although they hurt when they do. But it's worth it, he realizes, that pain comes along with his recovery. With all the chaos he's caused, that's expected.

His stomach starts to growl and he realizes that he is hungry, that he needs food. He stops at a small sandwich shop that happens to be empty, despite the time.

He walks up to the cashier and randomly points to a sandwich on the menu and waits for the person behind the counter to get him what he ordered.

"I can't wait to leave New York, go explore!"

"Where are you going anyways?"

"I'm going to France on a cruise! Wait, you are going to see me off tomorrow at the terminal right?"

Bucky is handed his sandwich and he leaves as quickly as he came. Standing outside, he looks up at the sky and for the first time since his escape, he smiles.

He knows where he has to go now.

.....

I dreamed of him, of Steve.

I usually don't remember my dreams because usually they disappear the moment I wake up, but this time, I remember.

It was before the war, before Steve became Captain America and before I joined the army. We were walking up stairs to his house, I think. He looked…sad, defeated. I was trying to cheer him up… His mom had just died, that's why. He couldn't find the keys to his house so I took the one they kept underneath something for emergencies. I was offering him to stay over at my house because he was going to be all alone. He refuses and that's when I say those words.

"I'm with you 'til the end of the line."

That's how I knew this wasn't just a dream, that this was actually a memory. Steve said those words to me back on the Helicarrier―he said them believing that I would remember, remember something, anything.

He was right. I did remember.

And that saved me.

.....