I don't even know if I can keep writing this :( but *sigh* I have to. More sadness to come. Don't own TGH, blah blah don't sue me.

Kay I apologize in advance for ruining mascara or manly egos:(

EIGHT

The train ride to Four was only two hours. But it was two hours of pure, agonizing torture. The snow flitted past the zooming windows and I had to stop looking out them, flying by so fast I thought maybe we were defying time. I was going to throw up.

Oriole disappeared somewhere, but I didn't follow. He needed to be alone, I guess. Something I totally didn't understand. I believe that when someone is in pain and it's possible to help them, you should. But I guess sometimes people need to do some healing on they're own.

Or better yet, maybe they need to let themselves get scarred. I don't know. I'm so confused.

Caleb wanted to come with us but he had to stay behind with his family. He was going to be there in a few days.

Maybe a few days too late.

I go slide into a bathroom in the living room car, standing over the sink, gripping the sides as fat tears splatter from my cheeks onto the cold, purplish tile. I push onto the cold marble, feeling the sharp edges push against my sweaty palms.

My thoughts are turning morbid. Disturbing. Depressing. In these past hours, I have changed. My usual, caring or sensitive self is tucked away in a corner of my brain to protect it. I replace myself with a more protective shell, kind of deflecting feelings into numbness.

It's for the best.

I will be strong.

I will fight.

For them.

For her.

For him.

•••

Four has changed drastically. Well, to me. It was always a happy occasion when we visited this district, but not today. Today, we ready ourselves for a death.

Annie is already in the Intensive Care Unit, machines beeping, flashes of lines telling us stats that we don't understand. Scary dark liquids, coming to or from her, I can't tell, are in plastic tubes connecting her chest and wrists. The room smells sterile, like the inside of a plastic glove and sickness. The walls are crudely lit with ugly fluorescent bulbs. It hurts my eyes.

The smell is twisting my stomach. The beeping is pounding on my brain. The tangle of tubes and wires that hides Annie's small body confuses my eyes. The feeling of Orioles shaking form wrapped in my arms, feels weird and foreign. Like I'm not actually there and I'm watching from the dark window that looks out to the crashing, freezing waves.

I imagine diving into the ruthless waves. Pushing against the strong current and my body pinches in the freezing water. I sink under and swim swiftly and strongly alongside the current. The darkness stretches all around me. Looking up at the chaos above is strange, considering how calm it seems to be underwater.

I don't need air, I can swim freely with full lungs. The shadows grow as I dive deeper, deeper into oblivion. I'm not cold anymore, just a numb sort of warm and tingly. Like that confusion your skin feels when you stick your hand in the running water that's either two cold it feels hot or so steaming it feels cold.

I'm a water creature, soaring through the waves, away from the shore, away from any troubles, any confusion, any love or hate or death...

Suddenly a sharp piercing beeping rips at my ears, snapping me from my gaze at the window to Annie lying in her bed, her eyebrows knitted together. She stirs. Beside me, her son bolt up and grabs her hands, a mess of tubes and wires.

The beeping comes faster.

My eyes burn.

White figures stream in, not even bothering to usher us out of the room as they push buttons, scribble down notes, examine, feel, test. I am left trapped in the corner of the room.

I lose my family. I'm in a sea. I'm lost in the sea of these creatures trying to save a part of my family. In the crowd of white and frantic orders and beeping, I see a flash of soft brown hair, matted against the bed, and then it suddenly disappears being machines.

I eventually find my way out into the quiet hallway.

I can't even...