First of all, thanks to anyone who reviewed! I really appreciate it! Secondly, I should probably mention now that there is swearing and will be throughout the rest of the story, just fyi. Hope you like it and please review!

Chapter 3

Once in the safety of the bathroom I allowed myself a few moments to succumb to the feeling of being completely overwhelmed, which I had been fighting back since my graceful arrival on Middle-earth.

Panic doesn't creep up on you with much warning you know, it's more inclined to grab you from behind and try to throttle you when no one is looking.

"Oh God, oh God," I muttered, slapping a hand to my forehead and shaking my head. "What the hell am I doing here? What am I going to do!"

I'm not prone to anxiety attacks, I think I've had one before this point, and it's one of those things that I can't really remember too clearly. With my back pressed against the door I slid down to the floor, my breathing quick and short.

"Fuck," Eloquent as always. "Fuck!"

I remember I had struggled to regulate my breathing, taking great gulps of air but exhaling much to quickly. I honestly don't know how long I sat there, hands fisted in my hair, but eventually I was able to regain control.

In and out. In and out.

After a few more minutes of quiet rocking I finally push to my feet, hands shaking, lungs aching, and move to the sink. I turn on the tap with the intention of splashing water on my face - only I never get around to it because I catch sight of myself in the mirror.

It sobers me somewhat, but also terrifies me.

In the reflection my hands come up, fingertips prodding at a pale face coated in a thin sheen of sweat. And it's my face, only it's different. Just like how Gandalf is Sir Ian and the dwarves are like their actors, but not at the same time. Does that make sense?

My face has the same structure, and the same shape though my jaw line looks little more impressive, but there are some minor differences. I look older, somehow, tired. My eyes are no longer the same grey blue of my mother and sister, but deeper, the colour of slate, an approaching storm. My hair is also longer than I remember. I have always had dark, thick hair, but nothing like this. I pull it out of the pony tail it's been kept in, and instead of stopping around my shoulders it falls to my lower back. And it's heavy. Intriguing. My eyebrows look like they could do with a good pluck too!

I'm still me, still Rachel Harker, only I am Rachel Harker the Dwarf, not Rachel Harker the human. So what has happened to the human me? That is a good question, one I hope to have answered for you by the end of this story. So be patient with me, if you can.

With a shuddering sigh I gathered my hair back up and returned it to it's pony tail, then, hiccuping slightly, turned my attention to getting changed. I stripped down to my pants and bra, giving my substantially shorter, broader body a cursory glance before donning the clothes Gandalf had purchased for me.

It's a fairly good fit, but I feel like a bloody idiot.

"Ugh." I grumbled, turning to look at myself in the mirror. There's nothing I can do about feeling stupid, Gandalf is right, I can't walk around in my own clothes. With that in mind I upended my bag, spilling it's contents onto Bilbo's bathroom floor. Bundling up my t-shirt, I shoved it into the bottom of my now empty bag. As I fold my jeans, however, I notice a weight in the pocket and curse myself for forgetting about my phone!

I pulled it out, dropping my trousers to the floor as I slide the screen. My eyes go straight to the top left corner, there are no bars and I sag against the sink. What had I been expecting? I can't connect to something that isn't there.

And now I'm annoyed at myself for even entertaining the idea that I could have signal in a different bloody world! Now that is stupid. With another sigh I finish packing away my clothes, keeping my boots out because the Hobbit trader had no need to sell shoes.

Now all I need to do is re-pack my bag. Clothes in the bottom, obviously, I won't be needing them for a while – this also included the black zip up hoodie that had been lurking in there. Then my book and sketchpad, because I very much doubted I would need them if I did happen to tag along on the quest. I chucked in my purse, my ipod, my useless phone and my sun glasses.

"I carry a lot of crap around with me!" I mutter, dropping in a tangled mess of straps, which is in fact Mal's rarely used lead and harness. There is also a silver lighter - which I pinched from my dad a few years ago, a pack of plasters - which will probably not be enough to save me – and various other unhelpful items like deodorant and paracetamol. The hand torch and my prescription glasses are wedged into the front pouch of my bag for easy access, along with the pocket knife.

Annnnnd I'm done. I sling my bag over my shoulder and hook the bat through the straps before pulling the door open with more force than is probably necessary, it rebounds off the wall and I wince.

Mal is sitting outside the door, his ears twitching constantly with all the noise that's coming from the dining room. I trail a hand over his back as I step out and he clambers to his feet, following me back towards the doorway where I leave my backpack. Then I step into the dining room.

There is only one word to describe what I found, and that word is chaos!

Food is flying all over the place, one of the dwarfs is walking along the table, sending more food falling to the floor. Mal manages to hang back for almost 10 full seconds before he dives in to vacuum up all the debris. They're shouting, and laughing and just making noise. So much noise!

Gandalf spots me (standing wide eyed in the doorway!) and in a repeat of earlier, pats the bench beside himself, signalling me to sit. I groaned a little bit, on the inside at least. Would you want to get closer to this mess? Honestly?

A few moments later however, I was wedged in between Oin and Gandalf. Fili handed me a mug of ale with a wink, which was not only strange but inappropriate since I looked about 20 years older than him! Oin and Gandalf then proceeded to pile a plate full of food and place it in front of me. I was hungry enough that I ate it all in fairly impressive timing. Just in time, as it would happen, to sit back as the singing began.

You know which one I mean, I know you do!

The dwarfs began banging their cutlery on the table and stomping their feet – so much so that I spotted Mal dart out into the hallway, his scrounging bought to a halt by the thundering feet.

"And can you not do that? You'll blunt them!" Bilbo's agitated voice says from the doorway.

"Oh, you hear that lads?" Bofur asks the table, grinning. "He says we'll blunt the knives!"

"Blunt the knives bend the forks!
Smash the bottles and burn the corks!
Chip the glasses and crack the plates!
That's what Bilbo Baggins hates -

Fili and Kili, I notice, are the instigators of the whole thing. The first one's to start throwing the crockery at least. You may be unsurprised to hear that a lot of things are started by these two. They might look cute, but they're little monsters, really.

Cut the cloth, trail the fat!
Leave the bones on the bedroom mat!
Pour the milk on the pantry floor!
Splash the wine on every door!

I made the mistake of getting up half way through the song and almost had my head bashed in by a flying mug. Luckily Nori plucked it out of the air before it smashed against my skull, something I am eternally grateful for. Can you imagine? Dying before I'd even left Bag End – because of an airborne teacup! No thank you.

Dump the crocks in a boiling bowl;
Pound them up with a thumping pole;
And when you've finished, if they are whole,
Send them down the hall to roll!

I duck into the kitchen - and I do mean duck as there is more plates flying around- just in time to see Bifur catching them without so much as looking over his shoulder. You'd have been impressed, I promise. A worried looking Hobbit watches as Ori carries in a stack of bowls almost as tall as himself, and suddenly we are all in the kitchen.

That's what Bilbo Baggins hates!"

From the look on his face, he really did seem like he was hating it! Poor Bilbo. Not that I could blame him, really. Though his face relaxed ever so slightly when he saw the dishes all stacked neatly on the table, the company chuckling around it. Not for the first time since meeting the Dwarfs I wondered if that was a song they all knew or something they had made up on the spot? Seemed a bit too well executed to be something they'd improvised. Evidently they were quite well practised at making a mess and having to clean up.

I saw Mal's dark shape slink back into the dining room, eager to resume his hunt for any dropped food, but no one else appeared to care, because at that moment there was a knock at the door.

All eyes look towards the hallway, Gandalf's gaze catching mine as he says, in what some (myself included) might call an overly dramatic voice. "He's here."

I know who it's going to be. You know who it's going to be. Very anticlimactic.

Gandalf is the one who opens the door, revealing a handsome dwarf who bares a striking resemblance to Richard Armitage, of all people! Can you believe it?

"Gandalf," He says, raising his eyebrows to the wizard as he steps into the room. "I thought you said this place would be easy to find. I lost my way, twice."

I snorted. I swear, I couldn't help it, it just came out. The Majestic Thorin Oakenshield got lost in the Shire, not once but twice! That's a little funny, and if you don't think so then you're lying.

It did however earn me a cold glance from the would-be King, and one of long suffering from Gandalf.

"I wouldn't have found it at all, had it not been for that mark on the door." Thorin continued, ignoring me (something that happens frequently throughout my adventure, as you'll see.) and removed his cloak.

"Mark? There's no mark on that door!" Bilbo Baggins said, pushing into the hallway with a frown. "It was painted a week ago!"

"There is a mark, I put it there myself" Gandalf admitted, moving to lean against the wall, dodging the chandelier as he did so. He then raised a hand and motioned to the Hobbit. "Bilbo Baggins, allow me to introduce the leader of our Company, Thorin Oakenshield."

"This is the Hobbit?" Thorin asked, folding his arms over his chest and gazing at Bilbo with a barely concealed look of amusement. "Tell me Mister Baggins have you done much fighting? Axe or Sword? What's your weapon of choice?"

I remember I didn't much like the way he was picking on the little guy, if you'll excuse the term. I don't know if it's a human thing, to back the underdog, but I was definitely not warming to Thorin as he circled round the hobbit. Like he was sizing him up. I don't remember him being this much of a D-bag in the film!

"Well I do have some skill at conkers, if you must know," Bilbo, admittedly wasn't making it any easier on himself. "Though I fail to see why that's relevant."

"Thought as much, he looks more like a grocer than a burglar," Thorin scoffed, turning his head slightly to view his companions reaction to his joke. Unfortunately I was also standing behind him, and I wasn't laughing. He noticed that. "And who might this be? It is rare to find one of our own outside, especially a woman."

Perhaps it was just because I had decided not to like Thorin, but that sounded very much like a slur on my gender.

"Ah, this is a friend of mine," Gandalf said, pushing away from the wall. "Thorin, may I introduce Miss Rachel Harker."

"Rachel Harker," Thorin repeated, my name foreign in his mouth. "Not a very dwarfish name."

"Would you prefer Happy, or maybe Sleepy?" Or Grumpy? None of them understood this reference, obviously, my wit and sarcasm wasted. Not for the last time, sadly.

"Rachel isn't from around here," Gandalf said, shooting me a look as he came to my stubborn aid. "I had been hoping, that is to say, that she might accompany us on our journey."

Thorin raised his brows at this, his eyes looking me over as if inspecting me for faults. I crossed my arms over my chest and glared back – inwardly I realised that this was probably not the smartest course of action, getting on the bad side the leader of the company, much less a King, but then I've never been very clever.

"And do you fight, Miss Harker?" Thorin questioned with that annoying condescending tone.

"Keep talking to me like that and you'll soon find out." I said. Me and my big mouth, right? Ugh. The answer, though I doubt I need to tell you, is no. I can't fight. I mean, I did a few years of martial arts as a teen – before being forced to stop by my mother after receiving my first ever broken bone – but I had a feeling he was referring to something that involved sharp, pointy things.

My knowledge of sword fighting begins and ends with my sister and I hitting each other with sticks as children.

"You certainly have a sharp tongue," He said after a moments consideration, then snorted. "I don't know how that will benefit you on our quest however."

I grunted and resisted the urge to call him something rude.

Apparently satisfied that I had nothing else to say on the matter, Thorin turned away and headed back into the dining room, his fellow dwarfs following close behind, leaving myself, the hobbit and the wizard. Gandalf let out an irritated sigh which was, for some reason, directed at me.

"You are not helping my efforts for you to join this quest, my dear lady." The wizard said after a moment.

"He was being an arse!" I grumbled. "And he was picking on Bilbo."

"Bilbo Baggins is quite capable of taking care of himself," Gandalf said, though the hobbit gave me a warm smile. "You on the other hand have just insulted Dwarven royalty."

"Well maybe Dwarven royalty should pull it's head out of it's -" I did not finish that sentence, unfortunately, because at that moment Gandalf was called to sit counsel with the dark haired dwarf king. I followed grudgingly, with Bilbo a step behind.

The dwarfs were all squashed in around the table, and though they made room for Gandalf beside Thorin I decided to just lean against wall to their right, and mutter to myself. Someone had provided the newest arrival with a bowl of soup and he was eating in between answering questions about some secret dwarf meeting he'd been at. Thrilling stuff.

Bilbo, who had been hovering around behind Gandalf, piped up, "You're going on a quest?"

I thought that had been obvious, but of course I knew a little bit more about this particular journey than any of the people sat around the table. Spoilers!

"Ah, Bilbo, my dear fellow," Gandalf said, glancing back at the Hobbit. "Let us have a little more light?"

Biblo, ever the good host, nodded and disappeared for a moment before bringing back another candle, which he sat on the table at Gandalf's elbow.

"Far to the east, over ranges and ridges, beyond woodlands and wastelands," Gandalf began. "Lies a solitary peak."

"The Lonely Mountain?" Bilbo read, peering at the map.

I struggled for a moment to look at the map, but failed miserably, and I didn't want to look interested enough to move closer nor fetch my glasses. Gloin began speaking, but I ignored him in favour of petting Mal, who had appeared from under the table a second before. I knew the gist of it anyway.

I returned my attention to the conversation when Bilbo questioned "What beast?"

"That would be a reference to Smaug the Terrible, chiefest and greatest calamity of our age," Bofur supplied helpfully, biting the end of his pipe before continuing. "Airborne fire breather, teeth like razors, claws like meat hooks, extremely fond of precious metals!"

Tell me again why I was trying to join this quest?

"Yes, I know what a dragon is!" Bilbo assured him, looking panicked.

"I'm not afraid!" Ori stated, pushing his chair back as he stood. "I'm up for it! I'll give him a taste of dwarfish iron right up his jacksey !"

This was met with a mixture of cheers and grumbles, though the latter only appeared to be coming from Dori, who pulled his younger brother back down into his chair with a frown.

I zoned out while contemplating Dwalin's tattoos and missed something important apparently, as the table erupted in shouts and curses a few moments later. It didn't last long, because Thorin pushed to his feet and bellowed "Shazara!" which effectively silenced all the occupants of the room but Malik, who pinned his ears back with a whine.

"If we have read these signs do you not think others will have read them too? Rumours have begun to spread, the dragon Smaug has not been seen for 60 years, eyes look east to the mountain, assessing," Thorin met the eyes of each of his dwarfs as he gave his speech. "Weighing the risk, perhaps the great wealth of our people now lies unprotected! Do we sit back while others claim what is rightfully ours? Or do we seize this chance to take back Erebor?"

There was much cheering as Thorin called out something in dwarvish that sounded suspiciously like 'Rubicon' – though I doubted very much that he was requesting a refreshing fruit drink. I later found out that what he actually said was 'Du Bekar' which, as I suspected was not mango related in anyway, and actually meant 'To arms'.

"You forget, the front gate is sealed!" Balin cut in, ever the mood killer. "There is no way into the mountain."

"That my dear Balin, is not entirely true." Gandalf said, twirling a thick key in his fingers, which no doubt had been stashed in that bloody robe of his.

"How came you by this?" Thorin asked, his voice hoarse. He could really do with that can of Rubicon now!

"It was given to me by your father, by Thrain, for safe keeping," Gandalf said, handing it over. "It is yours now."

"If there is a key, then there must be a door?" Sherlock – I mean Fili, stated.

"These Runes speak of a hidden passage, to the lower halls." Gandalf pointed to the map with the end of his pipe.

"There's another way in!" Kili exclaimed, leaning on his brother. Wow, they're a quick bunch, these two!

"Well if we can find it, but dwarf doors are invisible when closed." Gandalf said, shaking his head. That's pretty stupid, isn't it? Making a door completely invisible, what if you forget where it is? "The answer lies hidden in this map, though I do not have the skill to find it, there are others that do! The task I have in mind will require a great deal of stealth and no small amount of courage – but, if we are careful and clever, I believe that it can be done!"

"That's why we need a burglar!" Ori piped up.

"Yes, and a good one too! An expert I'd imagine!" Bilbo said, stepping back, completely unaware that he himself was supposed to fill that roll. Not for the last time I felt sorry for that little hobbit.

"And are you?" Gloin questioned.

"Am I what?" Bilbo asked, tucking his thumbs behind his braces.

"He said he's an expert!" Oin said, mishearing despite the use of his hearing trumpet.. thing.

"What me? No, no, no, no! I'm not a burglar!" Bilbo said with a nervous chuckle, shaking his head. "I've never stolen a thing in my life."

"I have to agree with Mister Baggins," Balin said. "He's hardly burglar material."

"Aye, the wild is no place for gentle folk who can neither fight nor fend for themselves." Dwalin agreed. There was some muttering and to my surprise Thorin turned his head towards me, his eyes lingering on Mal for a second.

"And what of our lady dwarf?" He questioned.

"Eh?" I replied, intelligently.

"Have you any experience as a burglar?" Thorin questioned, raising an eyebrow.

"No," I said. While this isn't strictly true, I thought mentioning the time I swiped a milky bar from my local newsagents might raise more questions than it answered. Not to mention I'm still riddled with guilt over the whole thing. "No, I think I'd be no better than Mister Baggins at that."

Gandalf took this moment to make everyone in the room wet themselves by towering over all of us and working some quick hoodoo. "If I say Bilbo Baggins is a burglar, then a burglar he is!"

I should point out that Bilbo himself looked as if he strongly disagreed with that comment.

"Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet! In fact they can pass unseen by most, if they wish to," Gandalf continued, reigning in his dark cloud of menace. "And while the dragon is accustomed to the smell of dwarf, the scent of hobbit is all but unknown to him, which gives us the distinct advantage!" The wizard sat again, turning to Thorin. "You asked me to find the final member of this company, and I have gone one better! I have chosen Mister Baggins, and Miss Harker! There is a lot more to them than appearances suggest, and they've got a great deal more to offer than any of you know."

I would like to make it clear at this point that I had absolutely nothing to offer to this adventure except sarcasm and poorly timed jokes. I'm also fairly certain Gandalf knew this already. The wizard glanced around the table, daring anyone to disagree. When no one did he turned back to Thorin.

"You must trust me on this."

"Very well, we will do it your way" The dwarf king said grudgingly, turning to Balin as Bilbo made quiet noises of protest. "Give him the contract."

"It's just the usual, summary about pocket expenses, time required, remunerations, funeral arrangements, so forth." Balin explained, passing the thick paper down the table towards the Hobbit who took it with a squeak of "Funeral arrangements?"

"And what of Miss Harker?" Gandalf questioned, his eyes finding mine for a second before fixing back on Thorin. Bilbo headed out into the hallway, unfolding the deceptively long contract as he did so, muttering to himself.

Thorin was silent for a moment before he grunted. "Balin, draw up another contract for the Lady."

"Aye." The grey bearded dwarf said, getting up to find his stationary set, I assumed.

"I cannot guarantee their safety," Thorin said ominously, leaning in closer to Gandalf. "Nor will I be responsible for their fate."

Gandalf hesitated, not quite as long as he probably should have, before muttering. "Agreed."

Out in the hallway Bilbo Baggins fainted.

I hope that was all okay! There was a lot of close to movie script in there, but I hope it wasn't boring! Please review if you liked it and if anyone has any suggestions for FiliKili shenanigans during the group's in between times I'd love to hear them!

I think my Khuzdul is right, but please correct me if it isn't! And don't forget to revieeewww 3