"Here" he said, handing her an envelope and smiling a bit too excitedly.
"What is it?" she asked.
"Rent" he said. "I got my first paycheck today"
She frowned at him.
"You don't have job."
"Yeah, I do. I just didn't tell you because well, I have a bad track record of keeping jobs."
She peeked into the envelope. Bills lay flat against each other inside the white paper.
"What kind of a job is it?" she asked suspiciously.
She had never had a job that paid you in cash. Well, she had never had a job, period. But she had never known anyone who had been paid like that.
"I'm a substitute teacher in a school" he said beaming.
"But you have no degree?"
"I don't need it. They were desperate. Apparently, the kids are kind of, well, you know troubled and drive the teachers crazy. They all go on sick leave or whatever and there's where I come in."
He looked so extremely proud of himself that Quinn couldn't help but smile. She pushed the envelope back into his hand.
"My daddy bought me this place, Puck. I don't pay rent, just utilities and he pays for that too. Feels bad for treating me like shit."
"Oh."
He almost pouted.
"But I can buy groceries. You know. Beef and stuff."
"Yeah" she smiled. "Yeah, you can."
"Or get my own place. I can afford it now, not as a nice place as this but some dingy place. You don't have to put up with me anymore."
She wondered what it meant that he chosen to stay here. In New Haven. It wasn't the center of the universe.
"You should save the money" she said quickly. "You can stay here and save most of your paycheck. Never know when the car of yours will break down."
He grinned and she did too because she didn't want him to leave. She didn't want to be alone again. She had forgotten how to act when no one was there but her.
"Thanks, Q" he said and gave her a hug so tight she almost lost her breath.
"What are you teaching those kids anyway?" she asked curiously.
"Nothing really. I just play the guitar and hand out crayons. It's the easiest job in the world."
That night they bought Chinese takeout to celebrate. He celebrated his new job and she that he was staying. At least for a while.
…
She watched him drive and saw him relax as the miles past behind him. She knew no one else who loved driving as much as Puck did. She used to sigh at it and try him to understand global warming, but gave up in the end because it was his thing. His way of getting away from his troubles.
"How's your family doing?" she asked because it was safe ground and polite and she was nothing if not polite.
"Fine" he said absent-mindedly, passing a green van that was driving way too slow. "Hannah just graduated High School."
"Were you there?"
"No, couldn't get the day off. I don't know if mom cried more about that or the graduation itself."
"You'll see them this weekend."
"Yeah. Bought Han this awesome gift so she'll forgive me."
"What is it?"
"A necklace, gold, very nice, you know."
Quinn wondered if Karen had picked it out. Puck would have been lost inside a jewelry store. Quinn had always been the one to drag him into shops to buy things for his mother or Hannah. And every birthday Hannah would give Quinn's hand a squeeze because she had known that it was Quinn that had picked out the perfume or blouse. Now that was Karen's job. Karen was the one who would get that smile from Mrs. Puckerman.
"What about your mom, how's she doing?" Quinn asked quickly because she didn't want to think about Karen.
"Great. I think she's seeing this guy, Hannah's told me, but she refuses to spill anything about it."
"Wow. That's great."
"Yeah, I know. She's been alone for like fifteen years."
Quinn nodded. She had been alone for a year and it was making her ill.
"What about your family?" he asked.
She wondered if he really wanted to know. It was harder to know these days. When he had been younger he had never done anything out of politeness. She guessed she had forced that onto him. She wished she hadn't.
"Dad's in Montecito, working. He married some girl named Julie last year. She's twenty-eight."
"Ouch."
"Mom cried an entire weekend. I think, I mean, she doesn't want him back, but it was just like a sign that their life together is over."
"Right."
She wondered what had been the sign that she and Puck was over. Maybe when he had met Karen. But she hadn't known about until after it had happened. Maybe she was still waiting for that moment, so that she could move on.
"Puck?"
"Yeah."
"Do we… Do we say something to Beth? About… Karen. About us not being together."
His hands clutched the steering wheel with such force that his knuckles turned white. She wished that she had kept her mouth shut.
"She's just a kid. She won't know the difference" he said.
"Okay."
…
"It's nice to see you together" Shelby said and Quinn blushed.
"No… we're not a couple" she stammered.
"Perhaps not, but it's still good to see you together."
Beth was four and went to preschool and talked a lot of her new favorite TV-show. She sat in her grandfather's lap and sung songs from the score. Quinn didn't know the name of it. She felt so far away from her daughter. It was the first time Puck and Quinn had driven to Lima together, the first road trip.
"He lives with me" she told Shelby. "He has for a while."
"And you let him?"
"Yeah… Well, I have to repay him. He let me stay with him when I was pregnant."
"I don't really think that was a big sacrifice on his part" Shelby commented.
Quinn thought that she wasn't making a big sacrifice either. She was afraid of him leaving. She didn't want to be alone.
"You know, Beth" Puck said, sitting down next to Beth and Shelby's father. "you have your favorite TV-show and I have mine. They have this really cool thing on History Channel when they add colors to black and white footage of the Nazi rallies."
Beth raised her eyebrows and giggled. Quinn smiled too. Her daughter didn't grasp that they were her birthparents yet. Shelby had never hidden it but Quinn guessed at four, it was hard to understand the whole adoption thing. However, she had accepted Puck immediately and laughed at all his jokes. Like most people did.
"And Quinn, do you know what she loves? She loves this show called Monkey World where they like follow a park full of monkeys. She cries like twice per episode."
Beth giggled again even though she probably understood nothing of what he said.
"I don't cry" Quinn replied.
Puck nudged Beth's side.
"She does" he whispered theatrically.
Quinn shook her head at them. She wondered what she would do without him. She might be the one with the good grades and a college education, however, he was a social genius. Nobody could help but love him.
"Does he have any plans of moving out?" Shelby asked quietly.
Quinn hesitated for a second.
"I hope not."
…
The car made a coughing noise and jolted back and Quinn closed her hand tightly around the handlebar on the car door. Puck swore under his breath.
"What's happened?" she asked, breathlessly.
"I don't know" he muttered as he pulled over at the side of the road.
She stayed inside while he went to inspect the damage. They still had about nine hours to go. Car problems at this point wasn't good. But even more than that, this car was Puck's baby. If it had broken down, he would be impossible the entire weekend. She saw, as he opened the hood of the car, a thick, black smoke escape and cloud air around him. She exhaled deeply and started to look for the number to triple-A.
"Fuck" he swore as he got back into the car.
His fingers were black with oil. She wanted to clean them off with one of the Kleenex she had in her purse, but she had a feeling it wasn't the best of time.
"Big problem?"
"Yep."
She handed him the folder with his car insurance that she once forced him to upgrade. He had kept telling her that he had worked in Burt's garage, that he knew how to fix a fucking car. She hadn't given in and now she was thankful for it. It didn't matter if he knew how solve this problem, he couldn't do it with no tools, at the side of the highway.
"Call Shelby" he said.
"What do you I tell her?"
"We'll be late."
"How late?"
He was already dialing to call for help and got out of the car instead of responding. She guessed that he didn't have an answer. Beth's birthday was in the morning. If they had arrived on schedule, they would have been in Lima late tonight and been able to spend entire birthday with her.
"Shelby? Hi. It's Quinn."
Despite having such entwined lives, Quinn felt that she knew really nothing about Shelby. The woman had put her own daughter up for adoption, and then adopted Quinn's baby. A woman who had abandoned everything career related and moved back to the sleepy town of Lima. All of it was a mystery to Quinn.
"How's the trip?" Shelby asked.
"Not so good. We've broken down. I don't know what's wrong but Puck's pissed so you know… Probably nothing good."
Quinn could hear a voice in background, a child singing lightly. Her heart jumped. Beth. Then she realized that Shelby was at work and it was probably some freshman she was having singing lessons with.
"Well, nothing you can do about it" she said rationally.
"No" Quinn agreed.
"I'll see you when you get here."
"Yeah."
She hung up. She wondered how much Shelby cared that she and Puck was coming late. Other relatives were coming too, grandparents and cousin and parents. It probably didn't matter that two, near strangers, were caught in a broken down car. It was probably only to Puck and Quinn it mattered more than anything.
"Did you call her?" Puck asked, sticking in his head through the door.
"Yes."
"The tow truck will be in a few hours."
"A few hours?"
"Yeah. Apparently there's some big accident up ahead. We're not top priority."
She could see the strain on his face. Both of them were counting the hours they would miss with Beth.
"Do you want a sandwich?" she asked softly because keeping his blood sugar up was vital in a crisis, she had learnt from over the years.
He nodded and gave her grim smile. She lowered her window because it was already too hot inside the car.
"Thank god you brought snacks" he said.
"I always do" she replied.
…
"What do you mean?" Tina asked. "He lives with you?"
Tina was one of few of Quinn's friends that had stayed in Ohio. She went to college in Columbus and came home on the weekends to her parents and her dog.
"Yeah. I mean, he lives with everyone. He stayed with Mercedes for a while in LA and with Brittany in New Mexico and with the gang in New York."
"How long has he lived with you?"
"About four months."
"Did he stay that long with the others?"
"I don't know."
Actually, she did know. He had stayed three weeks with Mercedes in her label-owned one bedroom apartment in the suburbs before going insane with boredom. He had crashed on Brittany's dorm room floor for a month. And he had stayed with Rachel, Kurt and Santana in New York for about two months. She didn't tell Tina this because it might mean something.
"I mean, no offense, but New Haven isn't really much if you don't go to Yale, right?" Tina asked.
Quinn immediately felt protective over her new home town. No, it wasn't much. It had major socioeconomic gaps that were rarely addressed and no flare to brag about. But it was her home now. "He's got a job" Quinn said quickly. "He's like sub at a school."
"A job? So he's staying?"
Quinn shrugged like she couldn't care less. Tina leaned forward over her kitchen table, almost knocking Quinn's coffee mug over.
"Does he sleep in your bed?"
"No. God. He sleeps on the couch."
"I mean, it wouldn't be that strange. You used to be a thing, right?"
"Yeah, used to be, past tense."
She checked the clock on the wall. She and Puck were taking Beth out to the park in an hour. She had already made hot chocolate and cut up apples into tiny pieces. It was the first time they would be alone with their daughter in a long time.
"Do you see Beth often?" she asked Tina.
"Not really. I don't live here anymore, remember? I just come home on weekends."
"Right. I just… It's hard for me to picture her having a normal life, when I only get to see her once a year."
Tina made a sympathetic noise. Quinn didn't want people pitying her. They didn't understand. No one could ever understand.
"You knew this would happen though" Tina said softly. "You gave her up for adoption."
Quinn remembered of how one adoption counselor she had been forced to talk to had told that it wasn't called, giving up for adoption, because it sounded so negative. The woman had insisted on calling it put up for adoption or something equally stupid.
"I know. But I was just a kid then. I didn't know the consequences."
"Well, if you could change it. How would do it differently?"
Quinn looked away. This was why she didn't come here anymore. She didn't want to talk about these things. That was why she hadn't turned up those mandatory meeting at the adoption office. She just wanted to forget.
"I need to go" she said, getting up and brushing the crumbs off her shirt.
…
The highway offered no shade and the sun stood high in sky. Quinn felt her dress turn from dry to moist to wet. Puck pulled his shirt off and covered his face with it to protect it from the sun. Almost all the water was gone from the bottles and Quinn's mouth was parched.
"How far is it to the next town?" she asked.
"Ten miles."
"I could walk it. Get some water and come back."
"That would take hours."
"Well, we might have to wait for hours."
Not a car had stopped to assist them. Even if Quinn knew that she wouldn't have pulled over either, she still hated them for it.
"If you get towed, just call me and I'll stay there and wait for you."
"No" he said flatly.
"We're getting dehydrated."
He removed the white shirt from his face and glared at her. Her method of keeping his blood sugar high wasn't working.
"You're not going to walk ten miles, alone, along a highway."
"Fine. You go and I stay and wait for the towing."
"Yeah, because leaving you here alone is much better."
She rolled her eyes because she was sweaty and grumpy too.
"What do you think is going to happen?"
"Oh, I don't know. You could get lost, get hurt, someone could hurt you. The opportunities are endless."
She clamped her mouth shut and leaned again the hood of the car. It was hot and burned the back of her thigh. She jumped and Puck shook his head at her.
"Stand still" he sighed.
"Don't be mad at me" she hissed. "It's not my car."
She hated when he treated her like a little girl, like she couldn't take care of herself. She was grown up now. She lived in a dangerous city where she almost always went out at night, alone. She wasn't afraid.
"I know you're angry that you're missing time with Beth. So am I. But stop biting me head off" she snapped.
She turned away from him and went to pick a pick a book out of her bag. At least she would look occupied. She opened the novel where she had last closed it and focused on the words.
"Sorry" he mumbled.
She looked up on his sweaty and blotchy face. He looked so devastated she wanted to hold him tight. For him, seeing Beth was nothing but joy. In contrast to her who both longed and feared this day, he loved it. Perhaps because he had wanted to keep her, all those years ago.
"It'll work out" she said in her steadiest voice.
…
"They don't understand" she said as Beth swung high on swing on the playground. "They all think they do, but they don't."
"Then you make them understand how you feel" Puck said.
Beth was making small noises of glee every time he pushed her higher. She wore red dress with a white bow and red converse and her hair was as dark as Puck's. She was the most beautiful child on the playground, Quinn thought, but then again, maybe all mothers thought that of their children.
"How?" Quinn asked. "I can't with words. It… just hurts too much."
"I know" he said and yes, he knew, only him.
"Don't push it higher or she'll fall off" Quinn commented.
"Nah, you hold on tight, right, Beth?"
Their daughter made happy sound that Puck took as a yes.
"Did you ever go see that adoption counselor?" she asked.
"Yeah, once or twice. You didn't?"
"Only once, in the hospital, when I couldn't get away."
"You didn't like her?"
"I don't like talking about it with people who don't understand."
She grabbed Puck's arm to stop him from pushing the swing higher because she didn't want to come home to Shelby with a crying girl. Beth made a disappointed moan.
"Let's go on the slide instead" Quinn encouraged her.
Beth pouted until Puck took her hands and lifted her off her feet. She giggled into his neck.
"Quinny's just looking out for us" he told her their daughter. "Making sure we don't get hurt."
She watched them as they played. Beth clung to Puck like a baby monkey to its mother.
His dark features had overpowered her blonde ones and given their daughter brown hair and brown eyes. She had long, lean fingers and thick hair and a lovely smile. She was loud and talked a lot and loved sports. Quinn wondered if she had given her daughter anything. Everything seemed to be Puck's.
"Are you two married?" Beth asked suddenly in her high voice.
Puck laughed.
"Nope. You see, Quinn's with this professor, who is married to someone else."
She elbowed him in the ribs. She didn't want Beth to repeat that to Shelby.
"Why?" Beth asked.
"Don't know, honey, you have to ask the lady herself."
"Don't pay any attention to him" Quinn sighed, fixing a stray of Beth's hair.
"My mom's not married."
"Yeah, we know."
"You could marry her" Beth suggested to Puck.
Quinn made a face. She still had emotional scars from when Puck had told her that he had kissed Shelby in that emergency room as those years ago.
"Nah, she wouldn't want me."
"I don't have a dad."
"'Course you have, you have me."
"Then what are you?" Beth asked Quinn with such seriousness it almost scared her.
Quinn opened her mouth and then shut it again.
"I..I.."
"Aren't you the luckiest girl in the world, Beth?" Puck intervened. "You have two mothers."
…
Midday turned to afternoon and still no one came for their car or for them. Quinn finished her book and sat down the ground. Puck was still pacing.
"Hey" she said. "Sit down."
"I can't."
"It's not the end of world. Calm down."
"We get a weekend with her. That's it. And we're wasting it here."
"I know."
She took his hands as he passed her and dragged him onto the grassy ground. His skin was clammy and hot.
"Maybe you can talk about Shelby about coming down another weekend."
"She won't allow it."
"I don't know. You could always ask."
He exhaled slowly and leaned his head against hers , for support. Like he had forgotten that they weren't really allowed to touch anymore. The stickiness of his skin stuck the sweat on hers. His smelled like he used to after a run. When he used to pull her into the shower with him.
"How did you tell Karen?" she asked.
He tensed and pulled away.
"About what?"
"About Beth."
"I just did. I don't have issues with talking about it."
"Like I do?" she asked.
He shrugged and got up and started pacing again. She had ruined the moment with purpose. She couldn't get used to him again. It would hurt too much when they had to part.
"And she just accepted that you have a kid?"
"Yeah."
"Just like that?"
"Yes, Quinn. It's not a big deal."
She shook her head. Of course it was a big deal. If Karen didn't think so, she was stupid.
"And I showed her your short film" he said.
Quinn stayed quiet, processing what he had told her.
"You did what?"
"The short documentary you made as your senior project. About adoption. I showed it to Karen."
She got up too, almost tripping with haste. She wanted to punch him. Anywhere. To make him feel what she felt.
"You had no right to do that."
"What?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Why does it matter? You sent that movie to a lot of places when you were applying for internships. It's not a secret."
"It matters to me" she almost screamed.
"It's not even about us. You interviewed Rachel and all those other girls. You're not even in it."
That was a lie. She was in it. Not her face or her story but everything else. She had worked for over a year with that fifteen minute documentary that had given her an internship. It was the thing she was most proud of in the world.
"Karen had no right to see that" she snapped.
"It's just a movie."
"It's not a just a movie" she screamed because she had never been this angry before.
It's my therapy, she wanted to tell him, because didn't he know that?
"They're here" Puck said.
"What?"
"The towing truck. It's here."
…
"You know what" he said as they drove home from Lima.
Beth had turned four and blown out four candles and opened presents. She had hugged them goodbye, like they were relatives, a nice aunt and uncle. Quinn felt exhausted; like she had run a marathon.
"No, what?" Quinn asked.
"You should make a documentary about it. Like one of those on Discovery."
"About what?"
"About adoption. If you want people to get it. That's how I understand things. I took chemistry in High School but understood nothing of until we watched that show about the periodic thing."
"Periodic Table."
"Yeah. That."
She watched his hands on the steering wheel. They were strong and sure. She wondered if he ever doubted anything.
"You could do it in school, instead of that stupid magazine you keep whining about that everyone does as a senior project" he went on.
"I don't want to talk about it" she said. "I don't want to film myself and talk about it."
"Get other people to then. Rachel would love it; being the spot light."
The darkness hid her face as she tried to idea in her head. It wasn't like she hadn't thought about taking that direction with her journalism degree. There were all these classes about making TV, about production and leading a project. She had never talked about it with anyone. All her friends who were also journalism majors all wanted to be war correspondents in Kabul or start feminist magazines. TV felt degrading and less important.
"If people want to see that, they'll watch Teen Mom on MTV" she said flatly.
"C'mon, that's not the same thing."
His voice sounded slightly hurt. She sighed. He didn't understand she wasn't criticizing his idea, just the idea of her doing it.
"I'll think about it" she said which was vague enough for them to never talk about it again.
"You should" he said. "I mean… I really think it'd be good."
"For me?"
"Yeah, for you and like… for me and others. Interesting."
She wanted in, under his skin, where everything seemed to be confident and self-assured. She wanted to believe in things too, like he did.
"I'm sure your boyfriend would help you with the psych things, be like an expert, This is what the mom feels and why. "
"He's not my boyfriend" Quinn sighed.
"Could have fooled me. Didn't you come home wearing his tweed blazer the other night?"
"It was cold. I didn't have a jacket."
She felt relief that he changed the subject. Talking about Henry wasn't her favorite thing but it was more pleasant than talking about Beth.
"Has he made promises to you?" Puck asked in a mocking voice. "That he's going to leave his wife and marry you instead?"
Quinn punched his shoulder with her knuckles. He groaned.
"Shut up about it, okay?"
They sat quiet for about half an hour. Van Halen or whatever was screaming about LOVE and HATE and FIRE but Quinn didn't get annoyed by it. After they had stopped for a toilet break, she grabbed his arm.
"Do you really think I could do it?" she asked with a neediness in her voice that she hated.
He smiled at her.
"Of course. You're Quinn Fabray, right? What can't you do?"
"Be serious."
"I am."
There was no hint of doubt in his voice. She giggled, suddenly high on his belief in her. As they started up again, she actually sang along to some of the terrible songs that she recognized from Glee. His presence was infecting her with hope and joy and she hoped he would never stop, would never leave.
…
They got two separated motel rooms at the Motel 6 down the road from the garage where the tow truck had left Puck's car. She had never stayed in a motel before, only hotels and nicer places. And she had never done it alone. She removed the bed spread quickly because she had read that it was full of germs and then went to take a shower.
It would take about a day to fix the car, the nice mechanic had told them. Puck had said 'fuck' at least eight times but Quinn had made no excuses for him. It wasn't her responsibility anymore. Quinn didn't even bother to remember what was wrong with the car, her only concern was being alone. It would have been cheaper to share a room, twin beds of course, but she had refused. She would happily pay for her own room with the tips from the men who stared down her waitressing outfit. A moment more with Puck and she would break.
The shower was like a blessing, ice cold and the hotel soap made her skin soft again. She washed her hair three times and then brushed it carefully until it lay flat on her head. There was no point putting on any clothes since she wouldn't leave the room so she curled up under the covers and watched TV. National Geographic was showing a documentary about a small tribe of people in Africa lived with a matriarch. It was produced by Kennings, the place where she had been an intern for a year. She recognized the names of the editors and it made everything feel worse.
The knock on the door made her jump. She pulled on the sweaty dress quickly and peered through the keyhole. She wasn't going to open if it was some creepy guy. She had watched enough TV to know that. But it was Puck. Of course. Quinn unlocked the door.
"Hi" he said.
"Hi."
His eyes swept over her body, of the dress that clung to her still damp body and the lack of bra. She crossed her arms. He had no right to look like at her anymore.
"I bought you take-out. As a peace offering."
She snorted.
"I'm fine, thanks."
She made a movement to shut the door again, but he stopped her. He was stronger than she and kept it open.
"Look. I don't really know why you're so upset but I'm sorry, okay?"
"Fine."
"And I'm sorry for snapping at you."
"Alright"
He held out the bag of food. It smelled wonderful and made her stomach groan.
"Noodles with chicken, no soy. Just like you want it."
It wasn't fair that he remembered her Chinese order.
"Thanks" she said, taking hold of the bag, but he wasn't letting go.
"I am sorry."
"I know."
"You want to come over and eat with me?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"All we've done today is fight and then make-up and then fight again. I'm sick of it."
He let go of the bag.
"Okay."
She nodded. He hadn't showered yet, the smell of sweat still clung to him. She remembered when he used to smell like her soap, rose and saddle wood. The scent would wear off within an hour or he would never have used it, but she loved it. It made her feel close to him.
"Good night" she said.
"Yeah" he breathe out.
She shut the door and locked it with a bolt. She slid back into bed and the women of tribe who were honored for their womanhood. She wondered if Puck was watching this too.