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Chapter 7
It had been raining constantly since we'd set off that morning, heavy showers that had only stopped about two hours ago. I'm still a little damp, if you care. Even Mal looks as if he's ready for this day to be over, and that's saying something.
All I've done today is yawn – a product of my terrible nights sleep – and shiver, whilst awkwardly dodging invasive questions about my 'homeland'. Oh, I did a bit of sulking first thing in the morning too, can't forget that. There was a little bit of talk between Bilbo and Gandalf earlier on - started when Gandalf got sassy about the rain - in which the grey clad man told us about his super exclusive wizard boy band. So exclusive in fact, that there are only five of them – two of which he can't remember the bloody names of.
Honestly it's a wonder he's lived so long.
Other than that, conversation was kept to a minimum and thus resulted in a very boring experience for all of us, even if no one actually said as much. I couldn't have been the only one bored out of my mind. Right?
It's also become abundantly clear that I'm not cut out for travelling for extended periods of time. Not on ponyback anyway, you won't believe how much I ache once I get out of the saddle. So at first I was glad that we were going to stop, but then I saw where we were going to stop and would much rather we had carried on going.
We had come to a halt in a boulder strewn field on the edges of a forest, the skeleton of an old house standing amidst the rocks. Very picturesque! Yeah, you know what's coming now, don't you?
Thorin rode his pony up a little way towards the house, before turning it back towards the rest of us who trailed slowly behind. "We'll camp here for the night."
No, I'd rather not.
"Fili, Kili, look after the ponies, make sure you stay with them." Thorin commanded as everyone began to dismount, my aching self included, though grudgingly. Gandalf wandered away in the direction of the house, I didn't need to see him to know he was getting some bad wizarding vibes from the place.
I made my way over to him, more to get out of the way than anything else. I stepped into the ruin just in time to hear him muttering about the previous occupants of the house, though I didn't catch all the words.
"This place has seen better days." I said, trying to lighten the mood. Gandalf nodded, the look of foreboding remained on his face.
"Indeed it has." He said quietly, placing a hand on the remaining stones.
"Oin, Gloin," Thorin spoke behind us, I glanced back as Oin lifted his hearing trumpet. "Get a fire going."
"I think it would be wiser to move on," Gandalf called absently out of the crumbling doorway. I nodded enthusiastically behind him as Thorin approached. "We could make for the hidden valley."
"I have told you already," Thorin grumbled as he stepped in, his eyes barely touching on me as he glared around the hut. "I will not go near that place."
"Why not?" Gandalf demanded. "The elves could help us! We could get food, rest, advice."
"I do not need their advice." Thorin replied, turning to look at the wizard once he had walked the length of the house. He's such an angry looking little bastard.
"We have a map that we cannot read, Lord Elrond could help us!" Gandalf reasoned, though from the look on Thorin's face he wasn't interested.
"Help?" He says in a low voice. "A dragon attacks Erebor, what help came from the elves? Orcs plunder Moria, desecrate our sacred halls. The elves looked on and did nothing!"
Holy cow, this guy plays the guilt game better than my mum!
"You ask me to seek out the very people who betrayed my grandfather?" Thorin questioned, looking the wizard up and down. "Who betrayed my father?"
"I thought they were different Elves?" I ask with a pout. I am of course ignored, even if it is a valid question.
"You are neither of them," Gandalf said, exasperated. "I did not give you that map and key for you to hold onto the past!"
"I did not know that they were yours to keep!" Thorin snaps, almost before Gandalf has finished speaking.
Gandalf turns away, and he's looking pretty miffed. With a shake of his head he strides out of the shack, leaving me and a red faced dwarf behind.
"Everything alright?" Bilbo asks outside, as Gandalf storms past. "Gandalf, where are you going?"
"To seek the company of the only one around here who's got any sense!" The wizard replied curtly.
"And who's that?" Bilbo asked.
"Myself Mister Baggins!" Gandalf says, slightly louder than necessary in my opinion – also not true, I'm still here, right? I grimace to myself as Thorin watches the wizard go, a thunderous look on his face.
"Come on Bombur, we're hungry." Thorin rumbles from the doorway.
I make the mistake of exhaling a little more forcefully than usual, which draws the attention of the exiled prince. Oh dear, in future I must remember not to breathe around him. He regards me for a moment before grunting.
"And I suppose you are sided with the wizard?" He asks, though it sounds more like a curse than a question.
I want to say yes, for the obvious reason that I know what's in store later today – but at the same time I'm really worried that Thorin is going to murder me, and I don't really want that to happen either. Unfortunately I've never been very good at being tactful.
"I'm not agreeing with Gandalf," I say after a moment. This doesn't soften the hard lines on Thorin's face, but he does raise an eyebrow slightly. "But it does seem a bit stupid to bring a wizard along if you're just going to ignore him when he tries to give you advice."
"His advice to request help from an Elf?" He almost snarls. Man he can be scary. "I would not expect you to understand."
"I meant about not staying here actually," I reply. I'm getting a bit impatient with the way Thorin is speaking to me. It's not my fault he and Gandalf can't play nicely together. "You can hate the elves as much as you want, I don't care, but at the end of the day Gandalf is right about one thing."
"And what might that be?" Thorin grinds out.
"You can't read that map," I say with a shrug. I can, FYI. You know what's written on it, I know what's written on it, but I'm not going to tell him that – I wanna see Rivendell! "So either figure it out on your own, or grow some balls and do what needs to be done so you can get your home back."
I regret that choice or words almost as soon as I have stopped speaking. Thorin looks ready to explode or throttle me, so without waiting for his reply – or a chance to wrap his hands around my neck - I make a hasty exit and spend the next few hours hiding behind Bombur, trying to think up a plan that will help me survive till morning.
I admit, I was having a bit of a nap when Bofur shook me awake, mattock in hand (Remember I had a really bad nights sleep, okay?!). I blinked blearily, shaking my head.
"Come along Miss Rachel," He said, smiling as he hauled me to my feet. "Our burglar is in need of help."
Everyone else was rushing for their weapons - swords, axes, maces. I stood for a moment, patting a hand to my pocket, where I had clipped my Swiss army knife and torch just before my siesta, then picked up my baseball bat.
I know, I know, not the most impressive weapon but I worked with what I had.
Thorin, of course, led the charge through the trees, following the direction of Fili who had sprinted on ahead to regroup with Kili. I stayed at the back with Mal, keeping close to Dori who was in front of me so I didn't lose my way.
Do you know how hard it is to run through the woods at night in boots that are three of four sizes too big for you? It's pretty damn hard! Even the leather ties that Gloin had given me to tighten them weren't doing much.
Still I did my best.
After much running, grunting and tripping on my part there were suddenly no more trees! I skidded to a halt on the outskirts of the troll camp, bat hanging limp in my hands as I watched the others plough forwards with their attack. They were all incredibly well synchronised– I had a sneaking suspicion that I would just get in the way if I tried to help.
Mal however didn't share such feelings.
He leapt forwards with a snarl, snapping and biting at whichever part of the trolls he could reach, which was everything below the belt, since they were a fair size. Mal chomped down on the ankle of one of the trolls, the nasally one, who let out a shriek.
"Oi! Bert, Tom, whats'at thing!" He shouted, making a grab for the dog who easily jumped out of reach. "It bit me!"
"I don't know!" One of the others replied, swatting at Nori with a massive hand. "Just gwab it!"
I stood watching as Balin and Oin tag teamed one of the trolls, wielding their sword and staff with deadly accuracy. I left them to it, because really what could I do to help? I'm not exactly an expert on fighting, and I've never even seen a troll before.
And man oh man are trolls weird! They've huge - though admittedly my sense of height has been hijacked recently- and they have this leathery looking skin, almost like an elephants. Pretty tough too, by the looks of it, because I can see Kili slicing and dicing but not really getting very far with it. They smell awful too. I am quite content to leave the rest of the company to deal with these three stinking behemoths.
But of course my plans never work out how I want them to.
One of the trolls actually managed to get a hand on Mal, thats when I decided to participate.
The stockiest of the trolls, with the squashed up face, grabbed Mal by his back legs and lifted him off the ground. My eyes widened, because I really, really didn't want to get involved in this fight for fear of accidentally impaling myself on someone else's blade, or being stomped on by a troll – but I couldn't just leave him! I hesitated for almost a full second.
"Malik!" I shouted, my legs moving of their own accord as I dodged dwarfs and trolls alike (though very narrowly) to reach the one holding my dog captive. Mal was barking his head off, trying to pull himself up to bite the hand holding him, but never quite managing it.
"Let go of my dog you over-grown turd!" I yelled, bringing the bat round with all the force and strength I owned.
Baseball bats are not meant to be used as weapons against trolls, it would seem. See previous comment about tough skin.
My bat snapped on impact, jarring my arm and sending splinters flying off in every direction – thought shockingly none into me (or Mal), which is a nice change from my usual luck. It had the desired effect though, the troll dropped Mal, who landed with a grunt beside me a moment later, looking no worse from his kidnapping.
I stood for a moment, looking from the jagged handle of the bat which was still clutched in my hand, to the troll as it bellowed in rage. I threw my hands up in the air with a triumphant "Yes!"
Then my brain caught up with me.
"Shit!" I yelped, diving out of the way as the troll smashed a hand down where I had been standing. "Shit! Shit! Malik!"
Mal is fine, by the way, his fight or flight instincts are far better than mine and he'd moved out of the way well before I'd even thought about it. With Malik safe I did the only logical thing left to do.
I ran. Screaming.
The troll blundered after me, so I dodged around the cooking fire in an attempt to get lost in amongst the other dwarfs. That didn't work. Everyone else has beards and could fight competently! I javalin'd the remaining part of my bat towards the leathery monstrosity, quite pleased that it actually hit him. Unfortunately that's all it did, bouncing off his shoulder a moment later.
"Bollocks!" I curse as the troll lunges after me again. I let out a squeak, briefly debating using a nearby Thorin as a human shield – an idea which I discard quickly – before legging it back over the other side of the camp, where I gracefully trip over a fallen tankard of troll grog.
There is more cursing, which I'm sure surprises you.
The troll is momentarily distracted by Dwalin and his war hammer, which gives me enough time to climb to my feet and run in the opposite direction.
I'm glad to say that, thanks to Dwalin's timely interruption, I managed to escape the troll - but only because he then spotted Bilbo freeing the ponies and went after him instead of resuming his search for me. Which, admittedly wasn't a great turn of events because he snatched up the hobbit a moment later.
And then of course all the dwarfs are forced to stop fighting as Bilbo is hoisted up between two of the stinky trolls. Something he looks understandably unhappy about.
"Lay down your arms," Tom the troll says. "Or we'll wip his off!"
There are a few moments where I think everyone wonders if our leader is actually going to attempt to keep all of Bilbo's limbs in their correct places. Thorin takes his time before moodily throwing down his sword, the others mirror the action, all with equal looks of anger and annoyance. At the trolls or at Bilbo, I am unsure.
I am trying to slink back to the rest of the group when a thick, and quite frankly smelly hand wraps around my waist. And here I thought my luck was turning!
"Gotcha!" The third troll, Bert, chuckled.
"Ugh, bloody hell, never heard of a mint before!" I cringe, wrinkling my nose at the smell of his breath. "Put me down you sack of shit!"
The troll squeezes me a little tighter and I gasp, feeling fairly uncomfortable, I assure you. That sound you can hear? That might be my ribs creaking. Malik jumps to my defence, snarling at the troll's feet, jumping up and trying to snap at his face.
"That's the thing what bit me!" William exclaims, pointing at Mal before making a snatch for him. Mal, being too distracted with me doesn't spot the giant hand coming from behind. He lets out a few savage barks which quickly turn to whimpers when the troll squeezes him too.
"No! Stop it!" I shout, struggling despite the death grip Bert the troll has around me. "You're hurting him! Leave him alone!"
"Put them down!" Thorin's voice booms, though the trolls take no notice of him, since they now have three hostages instead of just the one.
"What should we do wiv'em?" Tom, the squashed faced troll asks.
"Put 'em in the sacks!" Bert says above my head, his rank breath surrounding me.
What follows is a very uncomfortable few minutes where Mal, Thorin, Fili, Kili, Bilbo, Bombur, Balin, Oin and Gloin are shoved unceremoniously into several choice smelling sacks – the others are tied to a spit over the fire, where they continue to shout abuse at their captors.
I'm sure they're all having a terrible time, but I'm not really paying attention, my eyes elsewhere. Mal's sack is thrashing around wildly because they've tied the top and he can't see what's going on. I can't really blame him for panicking, though he probably doesn't understand that they're planning to eat us yet. Still, he's going to hurt himself if he keeps floundering like that.
"Mal!" I call to him, trying to stay calm because Bert is still holding on to me. "Mal, dead, play dead!"
It takes a few moments for my command to sink past his panic, but when it does his sack slowly stills and I am a little less stressed. If he can not draw attention to himself, he might get forgotten about, since he's behind Thorin.
"Why 'aven't you put that one in'a bag?" William asks, stomping over to where Bert is holding me.
"Smells different," Bert says, sniffing at me. I think I might vomit, please clear the splash zone. "Sweet like!"
I'd like to point out that I don't smell sweet at all (especially after a few days travel and no bath), but I suppose a sewage farm could smell like daises compared to a troll.
"Oooh," William says, putting his face much too near to my own. "Let's have a taste."
"Get away from me!" I snap, kicking my legs wildly. "If you try and eat me I'll choke you on the way down I swear to God!"
"Can we eat this one first?" William questions, sniffing at me.
I don't think I should repeat what I said to him, but it wasn't something mother would have appreciated.
"Put it in a sack like the others!" Tom grumbled from his place, turning the spit. "We'll cook it like the west."
"Don't bother cookin' 'em!" William complained. "Let's just sit on them and squash them into jelly!"
"They should be sautéed and grilled with a sprinkle of sage!" Bert says, shoving me gracelessly into a sack and tossing me down practically on top of Mal. It smells almost as bad as the trolls! What have they been keeping in here? Ugh. Luckily they didn't bother to tie my hands, so as soon as the air returns to my lungs I palm my knife and am discreetly trying to cut my way out.
"Ooh, that does sound quite nice." William agrees.
"Never mind the seasoning! We ain't got all night, dawn ain't far away! So let's get a move on – I don't fancy being turned to stone!" Tom grumbles irritably.
I've almost freed myself when Bilbo jumps up in his sack, hopping in front of the dwarf burrito's to address the trolls. That's a pretty good distraction, thanks Bilbo. I roll myself over to the rock Thorin is slouched against, hoping it will provide some cover.
"Wait! You're making a terrible mistake!" I hear Bilbo saying as slice the last side of my sack. Thorin's frown follows me.
"What are you doing?" He hissed at me.
"Shut up!" I snap back quietly. "Stop drawing attention to me and listen to Bilbo, he's trying to help you!"
Thorin looks like he wants to argue but instead just fixes me with a disgusted glare since I'm already out of my sack, crouching behind the rock for the right moment to escape. He probably thinks I'm running away, which, technically I am, but not for whatever reason he's thinking of.
I dive into the bushes and manage not to knock myself out on a rock or log as I crawl away. No one seems to have noticed my departure so I clamber to my feet and sprint around the clearing then off in the direction of our own camp. This is where I hope to find Gandalf, when he returns to save us all.
I reach the camp, panting and just generally seeming very unfit. My eyes dart this way and that as I wheeze and low and behold there he is, hands on his hips as he looks around trying to figure out where everyone's run off to.
Not very impressive for a wizard.
"Gandalf!" I gasp, his head whips around to face me. "Trolls!"
"Show me!" He says gravely, beside me a second later. I nod, knowing that there isn't time to stop and catch my breath even if it does feel like my calves are about to explode. Oh the sacrifices I make. The two of us race back into the trees, bounding through the undergrowth and headed for the light of the troll fire.
"There are three of them," I whisper as the fire becomes visible through the trees, the muted voices of the trolls and grumbling curses of the dwarves sounding faintly. "Bilbo was stalling them when I left."
"I told Thorin you and Bilbo had a lot to offer," Gandalf said, sounding fairly pleased with himself despite the circumstances. "I am impressed. Come, this way, I have an idea."
"I was hoping you'd say that!" I murmured as I followed the wizard to the left to the higher ground. Ah, and there's the big rock that Gandalf plans to crack like an egg. Cool!
"Now, we must wait a few moments my dear, and hope that Bilbo can hold out a little longer," Gandalf whispers as he crouches down beside me (I'm not crouching, I don't really need to). "Dawn is almost upon us."
"He can do it," I say firmly. I mean, we all know he can.
"I-in fact they all have, they're infested with parasites," Bilbo is saying down in the troll camp. "I wouldn't risk it, I really wouldn't!"
"Parasites? Did he say parasites?" Oins voice questioned.
"We don't have parasites!" Kili protested loudly a moment later. "You have parasites!"
"Wow, they really don't catch on very fast, do they?" I mutter, more to myself than Gandalf, who chuckles quietly. "Of all the races on Middle-Earth and I had to become part of this one."
"I've got parasites as big as ma arm!" Oin corrects.
"I've got the biggest parasites, I've got huge parasites!" Kili also shouts, almost over Oin's affirmation.
"Bloody hell." I grumble, shaking my head.
"What would you have us do then?" Tom the troll questions. I glance over my shoulder to see the sun peak up over the trees. Not long now. "Let 'em all go?"
"Well..." Bilbo ponders.
"You think I don't know what you're up to?" The troll demands, prodding Bilbo in the chest till he staggers back. "This little ferret is taking us for fools!"
It's embarrassing to say, but I think the troll is smarter than the dwarfs at this point.
"Ferret!" Bilbo objects.
"Fools?" Bert questions.
Beside me Gandalf hops to his feet and climbs up onto the rock, calling out "The dawn will take you all!" in an impressive echoing voice. You've got to hand it to him, Gandalf can make an entrance! I wonder if he waits around for the right moment to appear for the full effect?
I decide it's probably best to wait until the trolls are all dealt with before making my own dramatic entrance, I don't think it will add to Gandalf's flare if I accidentally fall off the boulder or something equally as stupid.
"Who's that?" One of the trolls asks.
"No idea!" Says the second.
"Can we eat him too?" Questions the third.
Gandalf then does a miniature re-enactment of the bridge of Khazad Dum and smashes the butt of his staff down on the rock, splitting it clean in two and allowing the sunlight to pour into the clearing.
I can't really see from where I am but I can hear the trolls start growling and snarling as they're turned to stone, followed by the cheers of the company when they eventually realise that they're saved. Smart bunch, as I've said. I deem this a safe enough time to make my come back and carefully slip between the two pieces of rock, back into the camp.
"Rachel!" Bilbo says, sounding surprised as he sees me making my way over, he looks back over his shoulder to the sacked dwarfs then back to me, looking confused. "But I thought you-"
"I was, but I escaped when you distracted them, and went looking for Gandalf!" I say with a smile, patting him on the back as I extract my knife from my pocket. Mal is my first port of call, because I'm worried he's suffocated or something during his time in that smelly sack.
"You okay buddy?" I ask as I kneel down beside his bag, the bottom of which wiggles feebly as he attempts to wag his tail. I have to be careful to make sure I cut the bag and not him. It's like playing operation! "Alright, hold still mate, I'll have you out in a sec."
Mal shoots out of the bag and pounces on me as soon as I've made a gap large enough for him to fit through. My pocket knife goes flying and I am knocked backwards as he whines and attempts to lick every inch of my face. Evidently we have been separated for too long.
"Ugh – haha – Mal, no, stop!" I am half giggling and half grimacing as his tongue rasps across my cheek. "Eww, get off me!"
He eventually subsides his attack and backs up, tail still wagging. I sit up and wipe the layer of saliva from my face with a look of disgust. I love this dog but he is gross. Then begins the short hunt for my pen knife -which is sticking out of the ground a few feet away- followed by the release of 13 dwarves and a hobbit back into their natural habitat, all of which are happy to be removed from their respective bags.
I allow my feet to wander away from the group as they collect up their weapons and personal effects and head back over to where Gandalf is sizing up the trolls, which are all frozen with similar expressions of pain and anger.
"These are some ugly mother fu-"
"Where did you go to, if I may ask?" Thorin cuts me off as he appears from around the other side of the three large garden statues.
"To look ahead." Gandalf says, his usual cryptic self.
"What brought you back?" The dwarf king asks.
"Looking behind," Gandalf replies pointedly, Thorin gives him what I assume is a nod of apology, though it could just be a regular nod. "Nasty business, still they are all in one piece!"
"No thanks to your burglar." Thorin muses, eyebrows raised.
Gandalf purses his lips, almost as if he is resisting the urge to go into Rafiki mode and whack Thorin in the head with his staff. I'd have done it, personally. "He had the nous to play for time, none of the rest of you thought of that."
"Yeah, you'd all be troll stomach lining if it hadn't been for Bilbo." I step in, folding my arms over my chest crossly. Gandalf sighs.
"Indeed?" Thorin questions, narrowing his eyes at me. "I am surprised to see you still with us, it would seem you were not running away to save yourself, but to get help, perhaps you are more dwarf than I thought."
"Considering how often you're wrong you'd think your apologies would be better! I wouldn't leave Mal behind, even if I let the rest of you did get eaten," I huff back. "Which I didn't – you're welcome by the way. You better say thank you to Bilbo!"
"Do not think to lecture me, Miss Harker," Thorin snaps, taking a step towards me. "I believe I was in charge, when last I checked."
"And that's turned out pretty well for everyone so far, hasn't it?" I ask, raising my eyebrows. Perhaps that was unfair but he's being a dick. Bilbo really did save all our arses. Thorin obviously does not appreciate my words. His mouth is set in a thin line, his eyes hard.
"If you are implying that I am unfit to lead this company -" He starts, his voice dangerously low and I am potentially regretting my so brave defence of Mister Baggins now.
"I'm implying that you're an ungrateful little sh-"
"They must have come down from the Ettenmoors!" Gandalf cut in quickly, his attention turning to the stone trolls.
I'm really getting sick of people interrupting me, even if it is probably for the best. I know, I know. I've been rude, and I shouldn't be, especially to his highness. Something about him just rubs me up the wrong way.
Thorin fixes me with his icy glare for a few moments and I feel almost as if I am being turned to stone too. Tension is probably too gentle a word to use here. Eventually -to my great relief – Thorin decides any further retaliation beneath him, which is just as well I suppose.
"Since when do mountain trolls venture this far south?" He asks, still sounding angry as he turns his back to me completely to converse with Gandalf. I spend a few moments making some very unladylike gestures behind his back as they continue you talk.
"Oh, not for an age, not since a darker power ruled these lands." Gandalf says, casting a meaningful glance at the dwarf king who returns it. Luckily neither of them turn far enough around to see the hand signal I am making.
"They could not have moved in daylight." Gandalf mused.
"There must be a cave nearby!" Thorin says.
Well now! I tried to include Rachel in the troll scene, not as a fighter but still being helpful and not taking over Bilbo's own role. Hope it's all okay and that you enjoyed it. Please review and many thanks!