Chapter 4

Sometimes, it's hard to believe she's gone because Lily is so much like her. She's got her personality. I learned this soon after Gracie's passing. Lily got older, started getting more active. Once she was walking and talking, I saw Gracie all over again. Lily looks nothing like her, but her personality is definitely her. We just had a conversation similar to one Gracie and I had shortly before the accident.

"Mommy," Gracie said.

"Yeah, Super Princess," I said.

"Where Nana at?"

"Nana's in Heaven, honey."

"Heaven?"

"Yep."

"Where dat at?"

"It's up in the clouds somewhere."

"I see heaven?"

"Nope. Only angels can see heaven."

"Tan I see Nana?"

"You'll see Nana again someday, but it'll be a really long time before you do. She's around us all the time, though. She's in our hearts."

Gracie gasped. "Her's in my heart? In there?" she asked, pointing to her chest.

I laughed and nodded. "Yeah, Sweet Pea, in there. You can talk to her in your prayers."

"I tan pway to Nana?"

"You can pray to Nana any time you want."

"Otay, I go pway to Nana now," Gracie said before jumping off of the couch and running out of the room.

I remember that day like it was yesterday... The other day, Lily and I had almost the same conversation about Gracie. Somehow, she remembers having a big sister. I don't know how, because she was just a baby when Gracie passed. We talk openly about Gracie all the time, so I don't know if maybe she's just remembering things we've told her, or if she really remembers somehow.

"Mommy, can we see Gracie?" Lily asked, sitting in my lap.

"We're going to her grave site tomorrow," I said.

"No, I mean see her. Can we see her?"

"No, honey."

"Why not?"

"Because Gracie's in Heaven."

"Can she see us?"

"Yep."

"How come she can see us but we can't see her?"

"Because Gracie's our guardian angel. She has to be able to see us. She's watching over us and making sure we're protected."

"Is she our hero?"

"I guess she is in a way."

"How?"

"Well... because, if it hadn't been Gracie that became our angel, it could have been you, or Bryce, or Matt."

"What about Baby Gracie?"

"Baby Gracie wasn't around when Gracie was."

"If I pray to Gracie, will she answer me?"

"She might. You'll have to try and see."

"Can I do it right now?"

"You can do it anytime you want to, Sweet Pea."

"Okay. I'll tell you if she answers," Lily said, getting down from my lap and leaving the room.

She's a sweetie pie. I remember after we told Bryce and Matt that Gracie wouldn't be coming home, Bryce was so strong. He cried, but he stayed strong for his little brother and sister. And for me. I'm so thankful I have him. I don't think I could have explained it any better than Bryce had to Matt. It was just a few days after Gracie's accident.

"Why did Gracie get in the car without Mommy or Daddy?" Matt asked.

"Daddy was outside. She thought it was okay to get in if Daddy was outside," Bryce said.

"How come she didn't hit the window?"

"She probably did."

"How come Daddy didn't help her?"

"He was mowing, he wouldn't be able to hear her. We don't know if she hit the windows or not. No one knew she was in the car."

"Will Gracie ever come back?"

Bryce shrugged. "She'll come back in our dreams and let us know she's okay."

"Does she live on a cloud?"

"Yep. A pink one."

"She liked pink."

"Yep."

"Brycey?"

"What?"

"How come it had to be Gracie? How come it wasn't me or you?"

"Cause God had plans for Gracie. He needed her to be his helper and only Gracie could have done the job. If he took us to do Gracie's job, then the job wouldn't get done right and we could get in trouble for not doing it right."

"Is Gracie doing it right?"

Bryce nodded. "Yep. Gracie's doing her job the way she's supposed to. She's looking out for us. She's making sure we're okay and she's visiting Mommy so she feels better. She visits all of us when we're asleep and gives us angel kisses."

"What do angel kisses do?"

"They fill our hearts up with love. You know when we get sad sometimes cause we miss Gracie?"

"Yeah."

"It's cause the angel kisses are making our hearts get bigger and our tears and when we get sad are the love we have for Gracie."

"But love is a good thing. How come it makes us sad?"

"Because she's not here anymore, but we still love her and the sad has to come out."

"Will the sad ever go away?"

Bryce nodded. "I think so. It'll take a long time, but it'll go away some day and then we'll all be happy, and Gracie will be happy too."

He was such a little helper. I can't thank him enough for that. He's the most amazing son a mother could ever ask for. I don't know what I'd ever do without him. I broke down just a few weeks ago, which doesn't happen often, but still does occasionally. He calmed me down and comforted me.

"Mom, you have to calm down," Bryce said.

"I can't, I looked at her shadow box," I said, sobbing.

"Then don't look at it anymore, you know it just upsets you."

"I have to know that she's still here with us..."

Bryce sat next to me on my bed. He wrapped his arms around me and let me cry into his shoulder. "Mom, she's always here with us. She's everywhere. She's everything pink. She's inside Lily. She's in our hearts. She's around us every time we're happy. She's here all the time, you don't have to look at her things to know she's here. She's everywhere."

"It's not the same without her... I miss her so much, Brycey..."

"I know, Mom... I miss her, too... But, she wouldn't want you to be upset. She'd want you to be smiling and laughing, not crying. She doesn't like it when you're upset."

"I can't help it..."

"I know... You have me, Matt, and Lily and Baby Gracie. We're all here for you, you know that. I love you..."

"I love you too, baby..."

He really is remarkable. The most... amazing young man a mother could ever ask for. Sometimes I think he's too good to be true. Then, he does something that just makes my heart melt.