The newspaper headlines were impossible to miss. Big, black and bold letters spelled out words that John already knew.
One year, they said. One year since the trial against Moriarty. One year since the famous, consulting detective Sherlock Holmes was exposed as a criminal mastermind. One year since it all became too much and Sherlock Holmes jumped to his death, rather than face justice.
One year since the pain began. One year since the hollow in his chest appeared. One year of feeling like shit and knowing that you did not want it any other way, that the only remedy for this ailment was a miracle. And John Watson did not believe in miracles.
He almost had, once.
Once, he had thought that if anyone could fool death, it would be Sherlock. Once, he had been waiting for the man to just show up in the doorway and ask, frustrated, why John was not in the apartment when there was a case to solve or a text to be sent. Once, he had begged for the impossible to happen.
He did not read the article. He knew what it would say and it was not true. Sherlock had been many things: an adrenalin junkie, a smartass with huge social skills but little interest in using them, a brilliant violinist and a sore loser, but he had not been a fraud. Many things, yes, but not that.
John laughed to himself, sitting there in his small apartment. What he would not give to be in Baker Street again! To find eyeballs in the fridge, or gunshots in the wall, that was nothing, if he would only find Sherlock there as well. He would gladly play one hundred games of Cluedo for that.
The laugh became a sob, a hoarse, guttural cry, and he raised his hands to his face.
He was trying. He was. But the pain would not lessen and he still felt so utterly abandoned and pathetic and damn, he missed the idiotic dickhead. So, so much.
Soft steps fell on the carpet, bare feet, a whiff of soap and shampoo. Small hands squeezed his shoulders gently before she hugged him from behind, locks of her hair tickling his neck.
"You loved him" she said. "Don't ever stop doing that."
He never would.