"Were you trying to drown yourself?" Tonks asked me after dinner, the lines between her eyebrows scrunched together with worry.
"What?" I replied, knowing damn well what she was talking about.
"How many glasses of fire-whiskey did you have?" elaborated Tonks. "Honestly."
"Four or five," I admitted, lowering my gaze even though she couldn't see my eyes since my back was turned to her.
I was ashamed that I had once again returned to substances to deal with my emotions. But, I didn't need to add to the things she needed to worry about during the upcoming mission.
"In the span of an hour," she chastised. "And you weigh what, eight stone?"
"I'm fine!" I insisted. "Honestly. Plus I have developed quite a good tolerance, so it just seems like more than it is."
She came over to where I was standing yet again by the window in our room and gently spun me around. The bright purple and pink of our bedspread behind Tonks mocked me as it brightened the dark brown walls, but did nothing to lighten my mood.
I would do anything to not have to face Tonks right now. She was hardly ever serious, but when she was, it was depressingly severe. Even her hair was a limp, dull shade of grey.
"You're crying!" Tonks exclaimed, rubbing my cheek softly with her thumb. "Why?"
"I have a really, really bad feeling about this mission," I explained. "Please don't go." I couldn't help the high-pitch whine that had ebbed into my voice. "Please?"
"You worry too much," she assured me again. "I'll be fine, just like always. I may be clumsy, but my Auror training did pay off—it has kept me alive so far, hasn't it?"
"Yes," I sighed. "You better be okay," I whispered, hugging her tightly. "You better be."
I wrapped my arms around her waist, physically preventing her from leaving. She kissed my forehead and it was all I could do to not hold her even tighter, to keep her with me, to keep her safe in my arms forever.
"I love you," I said, kissing her softly.
"I love you too," she answered, pulling away from the kiss. "But you have to let me go. We're leaving soon."
"I can't," I whispered, trying to plead to her with my eyes. "I won't!"
"You have to," insisted Tonks. "It's not fair that you're keeping me here when I want to fight. I want to do my part against the Death Eaters! You don't think I can, do you?"
By now her hair had turned bright orange, a sure sign she was mad.
"I didn't mean that, babe," I assured her. "I know you are more than capable of doing this. I'm just scared of losing you."
"I promise you I will never leave you," maintained Tonks, her hair settling down instantly with her mood. "Not in life and not by death."