Chapter 1
"Austin! Austin! Over here!" The
deafening roars of his name sounded
from every direction as he made his way
up the theoretical red carpet of the
Kodak Theater in sunny California. With
a slight lift of his hand, he waved while
inclining his head in the general
direction of the screams without
cracking a smile. Actually, Austin
worked hard to keep his sneered frown
from showing the disgust resonating
deep inside his soul. Nothing more than
the years of training had him extending a
hand down to his date's lower back to
gently guide her to the first interview
stop along the way to the front doors.
The sooner they made it through the line
of national media, the closer he got to
the end of this evening.
The event's itinerary was set in stone.
It was the same dog and pony show at
every one of these award ceremonies.
Austin had done this for years, too many
years, and it never ever changed. There
were several media stops all along the
route to the front doors of the theater.
Each one required them to step in a
certain spot and pose prettily in what felt
like an incredibly awkward position that
somehow magically looked like a
normal stance in the printed picture.
Then the cameras blinded the eyes with
thousands and thousands of flashes
before they gave a meaningless,
uninformative, random interview. Once
all the ridiculous questions had been
asked and answered, they did it over
again until they made it inside the
darkened front doors of the theater and
out of the public's ever focused eye.
Tonight Austin's date, who also
played the critical role of his assistant
and future wife, ate up the cameras. The
pair of them were consider the "it"
couple of the evening. A role they'd
easily held for more years than he could
count. No matter how angry or antisocial
he became, they were the couple
everyone wanted to interview and all the
paparazzi stalked to photograph. She
played her part with the grace and ease
of a trained actress, readily
overcompensating for his increasingly
disagreeable disposition. Which
technically was exactly what he paid her
to do, but he let that thought slide by as
they stepped up to their first interview.
"Austin, Cara, good to see you again!
Cara, you look lovely. Who are you
wearing tonight?" Ryan Palmer of
Entertainment Television started right
in on them. They were only allotted two
minutes at each interview and Ryan
appeared to try to make the most of it by
immediately hurling questions their way
as the cameras panned into their faces.
"I'm wearing Vera Wang tonight. She
designed this especially for me. What do
you think, do I look alright?" Cara linked
her arm into Austin's turning her
charming smile in Ryan's direction.
"You look stunning, but that's nothing
new," Ryan said with a good natured,
size of Texas grin that he instantly toned
down when he wasted no time and
shoved the microphone into Austin's
face.
"This could be back to back Oscars
for you tonight, Austin, which would put
you in a category very few actors have
ever achieved. How does that feel?"
Ryan angled the microphone to catch
Austin's response. Austin watched Ryan
with a distant mild interest, not paying
any attention to the question, but he
almost cracked his first smile of the
evening. Ryan stood five feet nothing
tall, and compared to Austin's six foot
two inch frame, he had to really lift the
microphone to reach Austin's face. Out
of nothing more than morbid curiosity,
Austin cast his gaze down to see Ryan
already stood on a step stool and was
reaching up on his tip toes trying to make
them appear closer in height.
"I'm happy with the decision," Austin
finally replied after an extended pause
and gave in to the chuckle he'd been
holding back. He hoped his response
came close to answering the question he
hadn't even tried to hear.
"You still plan the extended
sabbatical after tonight's ceremony?"
Ryan asked.
Austin focused on the way Ryan
jerked his hand back and forth between
their lips, trying to get all the questions
in he could in the short interview. For
some reason the movement tickled his
funny bone and provided a bit of comic
relief to his way past sick of all this,
hardened heart.
"Yes, I am," he said, again not giving
anything back in his response while
resisting the urge to lift his hand and
mimic Ryan in the universal hand gesture
of jacking off. It was in that moment,
with all the fans surrounding him, all the
movie stars taking shape on the red
carpet and all the cameras capturing
everything, when Austin realized that
without question he'd made the right
decision to leave the extreme celebrity
world of Hollywood behind.
This aired on National prime time
television and he couldn't help but
think about jacking off! Damn if this
wasn't some major boring bullshit. If
they just would come up with something
new to ask, something relevant to
anything happening in the world, but
he'd answered all these same questions
hundreds of times in the press circuits.
Hell, a trained monkey could answer
these questions. It was either lift his
hand and pretend to jerk off, or make a
gun out of his forefinger and thumb to
shoot himself in the head. Both would be
appropriate responses to this prick's
questions.
"I've heard some speculations on your
impending departure, saying it's the
wrong time, that it'll destroy your
career. You're the favorite tonight and if
you win, it'll be a clean sweep across
the board. You'll have won every major
best actor award given this year. Do you
think it'll all still be here waiting for you
when you come back?" Ryan quickly
shoved the microphone back in his face.
The question pissed Austin off. He
didn't even do the moody contemplation
he'd done for years. Instead, he raised
an irritated eyebrow ready to tell Ryan
exactly what he could do with the
microphone.
"Wrap it. We need to move on." Seth
Walker, Austin's agent, came from out of
nowhere and ended the interview.
"Ryan, my honey here's giving me
time to spread my wings in this acting
world. We're so diverse in our
investment holdings that Austin's going
to run that show for a while, letting me
free up and give it a go. He's truly one
of the most special men alive. I'm lucky
to have him." Cara cut in, clearly seeing
the direction Austin planned to take the
interview. She said it all with her sweet
smile in place. He knew every dime he
paid her was well worth the cost.
"One last question: when are you two
getting married?" The big Texas sized
grin was back in place on Ryan's face.
"You know the answer to that! When
it's legal for everyone to marry,
regardless of their sexual orientation,
then we'll be the first in line at the
altar," Cara said. With that, Seth
whisked them away to the next stop. It
was all very much like lather, rinse,
repeat until they were almost to the front
doors of the theater.
Cara took over the interviews, staying
on point, letting Austin center back into
himself where he liked to be the most.
He watched the last few steps to the
theater's front doors much as an outsider
looking in. A very unimpressed observer
while Cara was regal in her role of arm
candy at his side. She was long, blond
and thin, matching him on every level.
Her hair swept up in some classic updo,
and her gown was long and flowed
around her slender frame. She looked
classically elegant and had the rare
ability of looking at home and
comfortable in this made up world of
glitz and glamour. But maybe that was
because she was at home here; she fit
perfectly in this world.
Now, at the end of his career, Austin
was incredibly grateful he'd found her.
No way could he have done any of this
without her. He prayed he'd set her up
for success when he left it all behind.
She deserved to have everything she
wanted, as long as she kept it all in
perspective.
"This way." A theater staff member
held open a door leading them inside.
Without a backward glance, Austin
guided Cara inside and walked in after
her, the doors closing behind them,
effectively shutting out the noise and
constant flash of the cameras. Relief
coursed through his veins as he ignored
the opulence of the theater's entry. This
was it, his last time to ever go through
this charade, because what the mini
sabbatical really meant was an early
retirement. One he couldn't wait to
begin. T-minus eight hours and the
chains of this excessive celebrity
lifestyle would be forever broken. Good
riddance!
Friends in Low Places by Garth
Brooks blared from an old jukebox in
the only bar in a sixty mile radius of
Cedarville, Texas. Kitt Kelly sat on his
barstool, his well-worn boots anchored
on the first rail of the stool, his cowboy
hat pushed back on his head, and he took
a deep swig from the longneck Bud Light
he held in his hand. His pool stick rested
between his legs and he watched his
lifelong best friend, Jimmy Latham, walk
the pool table calculating his next shot.
"Kitt, you need another?" A dainty
little waitress asked. In a small town
everybody knew everybody, and he
nodded at his little sister's best friend,
handing over the now empty beer bottle.
"One more, then that's it. I gotta get
goin'," Kitt said in his cultured Texas
accent.
"Sure thing. I talked to Kylie today.
It's a real good thing you did for her,
Kitt."
"Nah, it wasn't me. Kylie earned her
way into that school and got a good
scholarship to go with it all on her own.
I didn't do anything." He cut his eyes
back to the pool table hoping she'd pick
up the subtle hint he didn't want any part
of this conversation.
"Whatever! She told me what you did
and I totally wish you were my brother!
I'll be right back with your beer." She
turned on her heel and headed back to
the bar, throwing the last comment over
her shoulder.
Kitt sat there quietly. He stared at the
aging pool table and wondered how
many people knew he'd sold a chunk of
his daddy's land to pay for his sister's
education. The idea anyone might know
sure didn't sit well with him, and he
suspected this tight knit community
wouldn't appreciate him letting the
highest bidder just come in and take up
residence.
That land had been in the Kelly family
for a hundred and thirty years. Kitt
certainly hadn't told a soul about what
he did, but keeping secrets in a small
town like this seemed to equal hiding an
elephant in a sheep pin. Pretty much next
to impossible. There was only one way
to keep a secret: tell no one. He knew
that rule for fact, and it looked like he
needed to remind Kylie to keep things a
little more quiet.
"Kitt, come dance with me…"
JoLynne Rogers slid her body between
his parted thighs. She was one of the
twenty five girls in his high school
graduating class and he'd known her for
most of his life.
"I can't right now. I'm waitin' for
Jimmy to fail at his last shot so I can win
this game and collect my money," Kitt
said loud enough for Jimmy to hear and
casually wrapped an arm around her
waist. She'd been drinking quite a bit
and already swayed on her feet.
"Jimmy, hurry up and lose! Kitt's the
best dancer here. We need him on the
dance floor!" JoLynne directed her
whiny words toward Jimmy who was
leaning awkwardly over the pool table.
"He just thinks he has me. I found my
shot, I'm comin' back. JoJo, just stay
there and keep him occupied." Jimmy
positioned himself for the perfect shot.
He aimed, lined the ball up and shot.
The ball hit just right of the pocket,
knocking Kitt's last ball in. "Damn it!"
"Yeah! Now come dance!" JoLynne
pulled Kitt off the barstool. The waitress
handed him a new beer as JoLynne
tugged them out on the small dance floor
with a slow moving Carrie Underwood
song beginning to play.
"I love this song! No matter how many
times I hear it, I love it!"
JoLynne came straight into his arms.
She molded her body against his and
began to move around the dance floor in
a slow, tricked up two-step. Kitt never
got a choice. He wrapped one arm
around her thin waist and took a long
drink of his new Bud Light before
discarding it on a random table.
"I'll be back for that," Kitt called out
to the couple at the table. It freed him up
to twist and turn her to the beat of the
music. They danced well together and
after a couple of faster songs they finally
took it slower when Willy began to play.
JoLynne came back into his arms all hot,
sweaty, and still tipsy as hell. They were
back to a simple two-step together. On
the pass back around, Kitt grabbed his
beer with a nod and took a long swig.
He started to give JoLynne a drink, but
stopped.
"How're you gettin' home?" He eyed
her close.
"I'm not drivin', I'm here with Rae-
Anne. But you know I'd go home with
you if you asked." There wasn't even a
blush at the words. He guessed they
were too old now for hesitations and
innuendos. The game was gone.
Apparently they just said it plainly and
just like every other time she'd asked,
there was no way he would be going
there with her. Instead of answering, he
handed her his beer and she drained it
down.
"I'm guessin' that's a no, like usual.
At some point Kitt Kelly, a hot guy like
you's gonna need some in town lovin'.
When that time comes, you promise to
call me." She moved back into their
dance embrace with her body molded
against his. She spoke more in his ear,
and her breath tinkled his neck as she
rested her head against his shoulder.
"JoLynne…"
"I know, you don't shit where you eat.
I heard it all from Jimmy, but just know
there's a big Kitt Kelly fan club ready to
step in and make you a fine wife for that
big ole ranch you got out there. And you
aren't gettin' any younger. Twentyeight's
pretty old around these parts to
never been married."
"I know and you make it look like so
much fun. When's divorce number two
final?" Kitt shot back. He kept their feet
moving together instinctively. JoLynne
was still inappropriately pressed against
him from head to toe and she grinned,
gripping his ass when she answered.
"Soon as he gives me the trailer and
stops fightin' me on the flat screen. Until
then, he can just keep payin' for it all
and I'll keep livin' there without him
anyways."
"Hmm…" It was all Kitt said as he
felt his phone vibrate at his belt. He
anchored her slightly to his left, never
stopping their steps around the dance
floor as he palmed his phone to read the
text. It was the one he'd been waiting for
all night. With one hand he texted back a
quick, 'I'm on my way.' and began to
pry JoLynne off his body.
"Honey, I gotta drive to Dallas
tonight. I just got the call. Thanks for
dancin' with me." He saw her wobble a
little and turned his head to see if Rae-
Anne was in any better condition to
drive them home.
"Kitt! Why're you leavin'! You never
come into town anymore!" JoLynne
stomped her foot as she spoke.
"Sorry, babe, it's an emergency. I
gotta roll. Tell Jimmy bye for me."
He left the dance floor, texting Jimmy
to make sure the two women got home
safely. Kitt pulled out his wallet, paid
his tab at the bar and strolled right out
the front door without a backward
glance. All of the sudden the night
started looking up in a major way.
It was at least a ninety minute drive to
Dallas, but his fuck buddy got free after
all and the lord knew he needed to get
laid in the worst way possible. As he
used the side step to his F250 pick-up
truck, Kitt palmed his phone again to
quickly text his ranch foreman, letting
him know he would be back about midmorning
and to begin the day without
him. His truck was in gear and already
pulling forward before he even got the
door fully shut.
Four hours into the awards ceremony
and Austin was ready to hang himself.
The never ending tears of acceptance
speeches rang like a sledge hammer
through his head giving him one hell of a
splitting headache. At least at the other
award shows they served alcohol to help
take the edge off the tedious boredom
and in your face egomaniacs. Seriously,
the whole industry just thought too highly
of themselves. In what world was it ever
okay to have a room full of people sit for
hours, stewing in their own greatness?
All the while waiting to see if they won
a trophy of a naked man with no dick…
It was such a joke.
Austin didn't have to worry about his
appearance tonight. His hair was
sculpted in place, designed not to move
even in gale force winds. He didn't have
to worry about the make-up either
because much to his staff's regret, he'd
refused to wear any tonight. Austin drew
the line at make-up after he was spray
tanned and clean shaven, and if he was
willing to admit it, even waxed.
To top it all off, Austin was brawny
and built with muscle. The idea of
wearing a form fitted tuxedo with a
stupidly tight silk necktie that seriously
limited his breathing by half was just
plain crazy. Seating in this old building
was impossible. These tiny seats had to
have been made for children, not for
grown ass men.
Nearly an hour later the night finally
began to wear down with only three
awards left: Best Actor, Best Director
and Best Movie. Austin was nominated
for his role as a down on his luck guy
who turned multi-millionaire, only to
lose it all on a sick son he didn't know
he had. He wasn't sure the simple, low
budget role truly rang award worthy, yet
the entire cast sat behind him. He could
hear their giddy whispers buzz through
the air, but he just wasn't emotionally in
the same place with them.
He felt like a caged animal begging to
be set free.
The Best Actor nominees were
announced while scenes from their films
were showed. It took several minutes to
get through it all. The regulars were
there: Clooney, Pitt, Penn. As Austin's
name was read, the cast sitting behind
him clapped a little louder throwing in a
few whoops and hollers. Cara leaned in
to whisper in his ear as the camera
panned in on him.
"Focus in, Austin. They're reading
your name. It's almost over." She kissed
his cheek. He smiled the smile he knew
people loved and lifted his head to
watch the clip of the movie. The actress
giving the award, Meryl Streep, fanned
herself after watching him cry by his
dying son's hospital bed before she
opened the envelop and grinned.
"And the Oscar goes to… Austin
Grainger!"
He kept the smile on his face and
stood up. Cara stood with him. It was
like he was in robot mode. She kissed
him lightly on the lips before he turned
to have the young director hug him tight.
"You deserve this, Austin." The
director held him a moment longer in the
tight embrace. Austin pulled back to see
tears in the young man's eyes. He forced
himself to turn, reminding his brain this
meant so much to so many.
Austin took the steps up to the stage as
various well-wishers congratulated him
along the way. Meryl stood waiting for
him and handed him the trophy before
hugging and kissing him on the cheek.
She'd been one of his mentors from the
very beginning when Austin had played
her son in one of his very first roles.
He accepted the award and hugged
Meryl before turning to the audience
who stood in a standing ovation still
clapping wildly for him. By the fact that
he couldn't even muster a serious
emotion at winning this award and
having his colleagues and peers cheer
him on proved beyond any doubt he was
more than just burned out.
Austin was a man in hiding and past
tired of it all. A stray thought occurred to
him as he took a deep breath preparing
to speak. He wondered if he would be
standing here right now if anyone in this
room knew the truth about him.
"Thank you, Meryl. This is such an
honor. I want to thank…" And then he
started the long list of acknowledgments
in the memorized acceptance speech
he'd prepared. When he was done, they
kept him back stage. It seemed the
organizers finally clued in on just how
late they ran.
Next the winner of the Director's
award was announced. Not surprising,
his film's director won. Then
immediately following they won the
award for Best Picture, requiring the
entire crew go up on stage. Austin stood
in the back, letting everyone else
involved in the film have their moment.
"This is it for you. You're ending your
career, leaving it all behind. I
understand you're taking off right after
this interview?" Katie Seymour of Good
Morning America asked. They sat
together in the back of the cleared out
Kodak Theater. It was four in the
morning and Austin had done the entire
press circuit just like his contract
required him to do.
"Yes. I'm done, this is it for me. It's
time to get back to the basics." Austin
sat perched on his director's style chair
gently bouncing his leg. He was antsy to
be done, counting the minutes until he
never ever in his life had to do this
again.
"It's hard being this famous? Maybe
not cracked up to what everyone thinks it
is?"
"It's hard when you can't leave your
house without the constant flash of
cameras following you everywhere you
go." Austin nodded as he spoke. "I love
so many parts of all this. The
professionals I've met along the way,
and my fans, but the media's become too
tough, too aggressive. It's no kind of
life."
"What about the rumors? Are any of
those hard to deal with, Austin?" Katie
leaned forward, getting more serious as
she spoke, but he didn't bite. He leaned
back and became more casual as he sat
there.
"Nah, not at all, I don't listen to any of
that mess." Austin forced his leg to still
and put his game face on as he answered
that question. He was an award winning
actor; surely he could pull off passive.
"None?" she persisted.
"No, not any. I won't let anyone tell
me about them either. I stay away from
all that. The gossip, the made-up stories,
reviews… I don't pay attention to any of
it," Austin replied.
"So there's no chance I can ask you
about some of them now or the constant
speculation on your sexuality." The way
she said it, it was a question as well as a
statement.
"No, I don't address any of it." It was
the absolute truth.
"It's four in the morning here in
California, but seven in New York.
You've been so gracious to stay up and
talk to us. Thank you so much and we
wish you well on your future endeavors,
but I have to say that you will be missed.
And I for one will be looking forward to
your return."
Austin stayed quiet letting the anchor
finish while the screen went black
before he stood up.
Katie got up to shake his hand. "Good
luck."
Austin's tie hung open around his
neck, along with the first few buttons on
his dress shirt. He held his Oscar in his
hand as they expected him to do. His
agent stood off to the side like he'd done
most of the night. Now he came forward
to take the trophy. "Thank you for
signing all those photos. My nieces will
love them."
"Anytime," Austin said as he tried to
distance himself from the situation by
taking a couple of steps backward
toward the dressing rooms.
"Good luck! You deserve to find that
peace you're looking for," Katie called
after him. Her gaze never left his. But
Katie was gay. She got it, and it was
clear in her eyes.
"Thank you," he muttered with a nod.
The sentiment felt sincere, so sincere it
caught him off guard, but he turned away,
his legs eating up the distance to the
dressing room he'd been assigned for the
night. Seth's legs worked double time to
stay caught up with him.
"Austin, a car's waiting to take you to
the airport." They walked briskly, now
side by side as he shrugged off his jacket
handing it over to his agent.
"Where's Cara?" Austin loosened the
cuff links on his shirt as he entered the
small room.
"She's at one of the parties." Seth
reached for the shirt before it hit the
floor.
"Is she being watched?" Austin asked.
He dropped his slacks, looking Seth
directly in the eye.
"Yep," Seth said. "She's got a couple
of guards on her. I'll go there when
we're done."
Austin didn't say anything more.
Instead he turned to dig through the small
backpack for his jeans. As good as Cara
was at putting on airs in this fake world
of Hollywood, she had also entrenched
herself deeply in its culture. Up until
recently, she'd always been discreet
with her partying, but lately things had
changed. Her drug and alcohol use was
spiraling out of control. Her bed
partners were changing weekly, causing
a new cast of characters to constantly
filter through their lives. It was risky and
the leaks were starting to fill the
tabloids. They were watched too closely
for it to not be noticed.
Austin's game plan was to get her
acting in the majors. She wasn't ready
for the big roles, but she could handle
the romantic comedies, no problem.
Austin called in favors signing her on to
several back to back films. He was
hoping it might push her back to getting
control over some of her wayward
ways. Seth agreed to be her agent. He'd
watch her, keep her focused and on task.
"Stay with her all the time and let me
know if I need to get involved. I'm
hoping it calms when she gets on set and
I get gone," Austin said shrugging his
jeans up over his hips.
"You know I will." Seth nodded
keeping it brief. He didn't agree with
Austin taking off like this, they'd been
over it so many times, but Seth never
could sway Austin from his course.
Austin needed this too badly to let
anything stand in his way.
Austin tugged on his t-shirt while
walking out the back doors of the studio
to his waiting car. For the first time in
ten years the clothes he wore were his
choice, not from the collection of the
highest bidding designer who paid him
to wear their clothes any time a camera
might be around. It felt good to wear a
pair of Wranglers and a vintage MTV tshirt
he had from before he ever got
started acting.
The back door of the Kodak Theater
opened to a parking lot. A chain link
fence surrounded the lot where about a
hundred fans stood behind security
waiting for him. Austin took the rare
minute and went over to the fence. These
times were too few anymore when he
just got to be one on one with his fans.
Austin stayed signing every last
autograph. He spoke quietly with each
fan. Seth and his bodyguards stood close
by waiting for him, but no one rushed
him. They let him have this moment.
When he got through it all, he slid in the
backseat of his car. He watched the
crowd as he pulled away and gave a
wave. Without question, Austin knew
this would be the only thing he missed in
leaving Hollywood behind.