I stood at the edge of a building. Traffic rushed below, the air filled with white noise. Everything moved faster than normal, and here I stood. I was perfectly still, knowing that if I leaned even the slightest bit forward I would fall. And a part of me wanted to. Behind me, I could feel something. Half of it was pulling me away from the ledge, and the other half was daring me to close my eyes and jump. And things evened out, so that I couldn't move, I was trapped, still as a statue. There was nothing I could do. I just stood there. I stood there until I was woken by a warm hand on my shoulder, accompanied by a warm voice.
That morning, Barney took me to a breakfast buffet next to a resort. The food was delicious, tables upon tables of every kind of breakfast food imaginable. I piled my plate with eggs, bacon, pancakes, fruit, and some sort of pastry that tasted a bit like a donut.
"So how are things going for the wedding?" I really didn't want to talk about the wedding, I can't believe I even brought it up, it was the last thing in the world I wanted to talk about.
"It's fine." He said, obviously knowing that I really didn't want him to go into any details.
"Great! Barney," I paused forcing a smile, "I'm really am happy for you. I know I've been… un-supportive and I know that's not fair to you. I'm your friend, and I am here to support you. I'm sorry about how I acted."
I could see that he was ready to go into a speech about how I didn't have to apologize, and I had the right to be upset, and that no matter what happens with him and Summer, he really does love me. Then he seemed to change his mind and offered me a simple "Thanks."
"So how's everyone else? Marshall and Lily and Ted?" I tried changing the subject.
"Worried about you mostly, to be honest, they don't exactly know I'm here."
"What?" Okay now I was confused… how could they not know Barney was here? I figured it was a group decision for him to come and talk to me. Although we never all talk about it, it's not exactly a secret about my feelings for Barney and my frustrations with the wedding. I guessed they would've decided to send him, since he's a big part of the cause for me being here.
"After I got your call, I went straight to the airport, I thought if I told them they'd try to stop me."
"Why would they do that?"
"Because they know about what's, you know, between us."
"Oh,"
"They would probably be worried that if I came here something would happen between you and me."
"Right." I could barely respond.
It was silent for a moment or two. I hated it, we couldn't just talk like we used to be able to. And a part of me new, we never would again. We couldn't ignore the obvious, he was getting married, and he knew what that did to me. We couldn't just pretend like there was nothing wrong. And yet that's exactly what we did.
We arrived back to New York, with only a short week left until the wedding. I thought, just maybe, I'd make it through, maybe I could hold it together. And I couldn't have been more wrong.
At first, I was much better, it was nice to see the group again, and even though the idea of attending Barney's wedding made me sick, for the first time since they announced it, I could breathe. Mostly since Summer had taken the day to run some last-minute errands for the big day, so I didn't have to see her.
Then, the next day, she came along with Barney to MacLaren's.
"Hey Robin, I haven't seen you for a couple of days. You alright?" She was being nice enough, but I could tell she really hoped my answer would be no. Apparently nobody told her about my little trip/meltdown.
"Yeah, yeah I'm fine."
"Actually, Robin, I wanted to talk to you about something. Mind if I have a word with you in private." Oh god, what did she want? She quickly threw a small smile at the rest of the table "Girl stuff."
As soon as we were away from the group she turned off the fake smile and friendliness, obviously dropping the act. "What is going on?" She asked, her voice turned cold and dead serious.
"What are you talking about?" I knew what she was talking about of course, anybody could see that something that was between me and Barney, what I really wanted to know was what gave it away in particular for her.
"You know exactly what I'm talking about. You need to stay away from him. He's getting married, Robin, to me for fuck's sakes."
"There is nothing going on between me and Barney! We're done. We're just friends, that's it." I did my best to cover up for myself, but I sucked at lying. So of course she didn't buy it.
Summer leaned in close, giving me a look that basically said she was going to kill me and said "Stay away from him." Through gritted teeth. So much for "girl-talk". When we got back to the booth I decided I couldn't stay here any longer. Our booth, the booth that me, and my four best friends in the world sat at every day for almost my entire time in this city, that booth was polluted by Summer. It would never be the same again. Plus she was looking at me like "Hey remember what I just said to you about backing off? Now would be a good time you bitch. Thanks." As much as I didn't want to give in, I gave in. I was too worn out to argue with her. So I went home.
The feeling of being able to finally breathe, the thought that maybe I was actually starting to move on, it was gone. Everything had changed. And every day the message that I would never be with Barney again became more and more clear. Not only had I lost the man I loved, but my best friend. And on top of that, I knew I wouldn't be able to stay apart of the group anymore. Not if Summer was there. I had lost everything. And nothing would ever be the same again.
I was in tears by the time I reached my apartment. I just stood there, unsure of which way to go. My hand was shaking, reaching out, and opening the cupboard door. In that moment, I just wanted to get away. Not to Argentina, because it'd been proven to me that problems are capable of following you to Argentina. No, there was only real escape, and I thought about how easy it'd be. I could just, leave. Never feel anything again, never hurt again, or have to deal with anything. Quick and easy. I wrapped my fingers around the bottle of pills, lifting it slowly and opening it. Closing my eyes. It would be over soon. And then, just when I thought I was ready to die, I couldn't. I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I dropped the bottle and rushing for a piece of paper and a pen. There was one thing I still had to do.
Dear Barney,
I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen. When I see you with her I ache, when I think about never getting another shot at us, it hurts. I know this is'nt great timing, we never were though, were we? I'm sorry if I ruined what was supposed to be the happiest day of your life, I truly want what's best for you. unfortunately, watching you be happy with someone who isn't me has become unbearable. I don't want you to think you drove me to this, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. I will always love you.
-Scherbatksy
There. Now at least I'll have said goodbye. I put the note on the table and swallowed each and every one of the pills. Everything, my whole world faded away. And then everything went black.