My eyes opened slowly, I couldn't see much. Everything was blurred. All I could tell was that my surroundings were almost entirely white. After blinking a few times, things came more into focus. The room was plain, cold. And I was alone. There was a window to my right, with a lovely view of the vandalized side of a building. To my left, was a simple bedside table, with some flowers, and a note resting beside it. I didn't need to read it to know who it was from. It wasn't that I was expecting a note from him. It wasn't that it smelled like him or something silly. I just knew.

It wasn't some long declaration of love, it didn't look like it came from some romance novel. It really wasn't romantic to be honest. It was simple, and urgent.

Call me as soon as you read this.

Barney

Considering that I expected to have been dead at the moment, this shouldn't have hurt as much as it did. There was no, "I'm glad you're okay." Or "I was so worried about you". Although, after I thought about it for a few moments, I'm glad that neither of those things were in the note. Because I knew Barney, and if he had written that, it would've been pure bullshit. Not that he wouldn't be glad I was okay, or worried about me… but he knew me well enough to know that I wasn't okay (alive isn't the same as okay), and saying he was worried was all subtext. Telling me to call him right away, that's the same thing. So this note really did mean a lot. More than it should've.

My eyes danced around the room, searching frantically for my cell phone, but it was nowhere in sight. I doubt after being rushed here they were too worried about me having something to entertain myself with. So I waited for a nurse to come check up on me, and it took a while. It wasn't that long actually, but when you're staring at the ceiling, desperately waiting to speak with the one you love, the same very person who indirectly brought you here, time stops.

Finally a nurse, who said her name was Lillian, entered, shooting me a warm smile and asking how I felt. How I felt was a complicated question, a large part of me wanted to be dead. And then a small piece of me was glad I made it, because, like the piece of helpless shit I had become, I knew that I would get to hear his voice again.

And then more than anything, I just wanted to curl into the fetal position and cry until the pain stopped. The truth was, that the pain would never stop. It couldn't. It followed me and filled me. I couldn't escape it, it was just there, demanding to be felt. And I would feel it, I would feel it until he was mine. Something that only ever happened in my dreams.

So I responded the way I had come accustomed to responding to such a question, "I'm fine." I said with a fake smile. "I was just wondering, if anybody had brought my cellphone over to the hospital, or if there was one I could use. I need to make a call."

"Nobody brought over your phone, but there's one in the hallway… are you feeling well enough to go on your own?" she replied sweetly.

"I'm fine." I repeated, attempting to get onto my feet, but feeling quite shaky about it. "Thanks." I walked over, slowly, but steadily enough, reaching for the phone.

I punched in Barney's number. I knew it off by heart, even in the messed up state I was in at the moment, it was unforgettable to me. I waited anxiously for him to pick up, which happened almost right away, as if he had been waiting for my call.

"Robin. Oh my god Robin thank god." I could hear everything in his voice. The warmth it always had, the worry that all of my friends probably felt for me at the moment, the relief that I had bothered to call him.

"Hi." I responded, it was all I could bring myself to say. Of course there were millions of things I wanted to say, needed to say, but "hi" was all that came out.

Barney was breathless, he sounded close to tears, softened in a way he almost never was. "Robin, what… please…" he said, struggling with what to say to me, he sighed, "I'm sorry."

"It wasn't you're fault."

"But it was… I'm the one who did this to you. I'm the one who made you feel this way."

I wanted to argue and protest. I wanted to make him feel like it wasn't about him, that he was, at no way the reason for this. The problem was that I'd be lying. He brought me here, not on purpose, not entirely knowingly, but he did. Yet it wasn't his fault I was here, he didn't shove those pills down my throat, I did.

"Barney, you didn't do this. I did this. I'm at fault. It was my own dumb move. You don't have to feel bad, I really don't want you to feel bad."

"I love you Robin. I know I shouldn't say that, I know what it does to you and I hate myself for that. I just can't lie. I love you so much it hurts. And it hurts to see you hurt…. I'm on my way to the hospital now. I need to see you."

He had hung up before I could respond. I needed to see him too. He was like air, and I was breathless. And deep down I knew that I shouldn't see him. I just couldn't help myself. I couldn't live without him, but he was slowly killing me.

Barney was at the hospital before I had a chance to summon enough strength to tell him this. And before I could even speak his arms were wrapped around me, "Thank god you're alive." He whispered, tears in his eyes.

I wanted to speak. I wanted to tell him how sorry and stupid I was and that it'll never happen again, to really convince him that it wasn't his fault. Instead I just hugged him, because I knew that he knew what I wanted to say. It was all understood.