Sorry this chapter is so short. It is sort of a filler I suppose… but I needed something to connect between the last chapter and the actual wedding. I promise the next chapter WILL be the wedding though.

He looked straight into my eyes, both tearing me even further apart and holding me together at the same time. Right then, I just wanted to wrap my arms around him and never let go. I knew that a single touch from him would kill me, yet I couldn't survive without it. I walked off, trying not to look back.

And here I was again. I was so sick of the mixed signals. First I had to deal with him being married, now I have to deal with the fact it was a lie, soon I'd have to deal with him actually getting married. I could just see this door, that had been open, ever so slightly, and then just slammed shut in my face. And then being locked, unlocked, locked again. It was torture. I just wanted some emotional stability if anything. Even if I was going to be depressed, why couldn't I just be depressed, instead of clinging on to some fantasy that'd never come true. I was sick of the stupid roller coaster he'd put me on.

On top of that, there was a pretty big question that seemed to be constantly polluting my thoughts, was I going to go to the wedding? It'd been a big question for a while now. And I kept thinking "yes, yes I will because he is my friend" and then having these huge meltdowns. Who knew what would happen if I thought it again? Well, I did think it again. So I guess I'll just have to find out.

The wedding was tomorrow, I debated buying a new dress, I knew whatever I wore would just turn into some haunted reminder. I picked a fairly simple red one, elegant and sexy. If I was gonna go watch the love of my life get married I may as well look good. I decided to spend the rest of my day watching some TV, it was a good enough distraction. I kept telling myself that sleep was the best thing for me, since consciousness had become quite a pain these days. Then again, deep down I knew that the sooner I feel asleep the sooner it would all come. Sleep is like a time machine in a way, it makes time fly at an impossible speed, or so it feels like. It's almost like fast-forwarding to the next day. I wasn't ready for that.

I eventually slept, only to awake with what felt like a million stones in the pockets that I didn't even have. I barely ate anything for breakfast, I forced myself to eat some yogurt and lay back down on the couch, taking deep breaths, trying desperately to prepare myself for something I was sure would finally kill me. There was only a few hours left. It was both too soon and too far away. The wait would hurt, but at the same time, knowing it'd be far less painful then the wedding itself, I wanted it to last forever. I knew how I'd spend the next few hours, drinking just enough to cover most of the pain, but not enough to become actually drunk. I couldn't show up to my best friend's wedding and not be able to stand, but there was no way in hell I'd get through it without a few drinks.

My friends were all rushing around, trying to prepare for what they thought was going to be the best day ever. I didn't bother helping, it was hard enough to go to the wedding, let alone be a part of getting everything ready. I knew how busy they all were, which is why I was surprised and even more thankful when Lily called me.

"Hey Lil. How is everything?"

"Well, that's why I called you… Are you doing okay? Do you want me to come over? Robin, you know we will all understand if you don't want to go."

"I'm fine! You guys need to stop worrying about me!"

"You know why we can't do that. This whole thing has been so hard on you, we don't want you to feel that you owe it to any of us to come."

I sighed, I couldn't lie. Lily knew when I did, she saw through me almost as well as Barney. "Yes, it's been hard, but Barney's still my friend and friends don't miss each other's weddings."

"He's also your ex. And ex's being at each other's weddings doesn't always end so well."

"This is different."

"It's not different… Look, all I'm saying is if you don't want to come, it's okay. We all just want you to be okay."

I sighed. I knew that Barney would in all honesty be okay with me not going, he understood. But a few years down the road, I want him to look back on this day and have had all of his friends there with him. I knew I had to put myself aside and be there for him.