AN: Ah, some angsty backstory. But what else would you expect, it's Dean Winchester.
Hope this doesn't seem to out-of-sync with the rest of the story since it's been fairly lighthearted 'til now. Anyway – enjoy!
Castiel murmurs a polite goodbye to Rachel before heading for the street as well. He's unsure as to what he should do with his spare time and loiters on the sidewalk, slightly puzzled.
If Dean had some sort of significant other than this would be easier. That's usually Castiel's forte, is helping people with their relationships. It's something his friends find ironic since Castiel has only ever had one serious relationship in his life and that was with Anna, before he came out.
He'd been fond of Anna of course, but the only real reasoning behind their relationship was that his family approved of her. She's the only one they would ever approve of, but that's a moot point now though, since they refuse to even speak with him.
Dean follows him out onto the pavement and lingers beside him, waiting for direction. A ridiculous part of him nearly suggests that Dean run for it while he has the chance. Let him get away from the chaos of the day and the unintentional prying into his obviously difficult past. Castiel is barely managing to keep a lid on his now rampant curiosity about Dean. Those scars seemed almost like burns...
He snaps his thoughts from their train, reprimanding himself for such deliberations about a man he hardly knows. He shifts uncomfortably, unsure of how to proceed. Dean doesn't need anything from him and the sensation of uselessness isn't a pleasant one.
Dean's stomach rumbles, then, breaking him from his thoughts and forcing a small smile onto his lips. Dean answers with a defensive expression and says "You guys didn't even give me time for breakfast this morning."
Castiel warms a bit, because now he knows how to spend his time with Dean. "There's a very nice cafe with excellent burgers just a few streets away. Perhaps you'd like to get lunch?" he suggests.
Dean's smile comes instantly and he answers "Burgers? Hell, yeah. Man after my own heart, aren't you?"
Castiel is momentarily speechless at his choice of words, but he reminds himself it's a casual figure of speech and surely nothing is meant by it. At least he hopes Dean hasn't noticed his attraction to him, he's tried to hide it.
Dean however is already hailing a cab, so Castiel forces the thoughts from his mind and climbs inside when one pulls to the curb.
DEAN
Dean tries to prevent his stomach from rumbling too much by sucking it in, but it's not comfortable at all, so he gives up after a few moments. Cas is sitting a little closer than absolutely necessary, but it seems to be a habit with the guy so Dean doesn't comment.
Besides, it's not like it's really a problem. Cas has a nice warmth to him and he doesn't smell too bad either. Dean's sat next to worse. He settles in and relaxes for the short cab ride, trying not to think about the incident in the store.
He knows Cas has gotta be itching to ask about his scars, everyone who has ever seen them wants to know the story. And then they react with horror or stomach twisting pity after they hear it. Dean can't stand it and as a result there are only a handful of people who know the story.
Cas doesn't ask however, he doesn't even mention it and Dean is pretty sure he's never been so grateful for silence in his life. Even if it is a bit awkward. The cab ride is brief though, and they soon arrive.
Cas pays the driver without hesitation and then leads the way into the cafe. It's a nice place, with simple, clean decor and classic rock playing in the background. It's a cozy place filled with the chatter of people and the scent of cooking meat. Dean relaxes instantly. It's the most comfortable he's felt all day.
It's a seat yourself sort of place and Cas leads him to a cushy looking booth and slides in. Dean settles in on the other side and grabs a menu from the rack holding salt and pepper instantly. Cas mirrors his actions at a less rushed pace and flips the menu open, scanning it thoughtfully.
A blonde guy with a weird mullet comes over to take their drink orders. Cas primly request water with lemon while Dean gets a coke. If they'd served alcohol he'd probably have ordered a bottle of Jack Daniels. Coke isn't quite the same, but he's hoping the caffeine will help.
The guys nods and says "Be out in a sec, dudes."
Dean can't help but laugh a little at him and finds that he feels the best he has all day. There's a companionable silence as they both look over the menu and Dean realizes after a moment that he's humming along with Shinedown's cover of Simple Man as it plays over the loud-speaker.
Cas is throwing glances his way as he's humming and after the blonde - Ash - brings them there drinks and takes their orders he offers "My mom used to sing that song to Sammy all the time, so I know it by heart."
Dean's a bit surprised at himself for saying it, but somehow he finds he actually wants to talk to Cas. Not bullshit chit-chat about the weather or anything. He actually wants to know more about this guy and for this guy to know more about him.
Castiel smiles and says "It's a lovely song with a very accurate message."
Dean nods and continues "Yeah - I think my mom sang it to him in hopes that he'd grow up like that. I guess he has, come to think of it." He doesn't mention that after she died he started singing it to Sammy too.
"He seems like a good man. Very caring." Cas offers and Dean laughs. "Oh, yeah - he's a freakin' angel. Until you go on a road-trip with him."
Cas raises his eyebrows in question and Dean continues "After he graduated high-school I took him on a road-trip. It was kinda a coming of age thing I guess and he was a study-holic so he needed the break. Didn't know how to have fun on his own. Anyway - we charted a route from the east to the west coast and took off to tour all these haunted house - he loves those damn things." Dean grins as he settles into the memories and Cas relaxes a bit in his seat to listen.
"I was driving my dad's old Impala - that thing is a little piece of Heaven - and off we went cruising on highways with the radio cranked up." He laughs at his chick-flick narration and adds "Well that lasted for all of two days. Then he started complaining about his legs - those things are too damn long - and wanting to drive. And he kept trying to change the music to Coldplay and shit. I mean - Coldplay."
Cas responds with a look of mock horror and the humor of the expression seems so out of place on Cas that Dean barks out a laugh before finishing his story.
"I finally told him 'Driver picks the music and shot-gun shuts his cake hole'. That lasted for about half an hour and the he was at it again. And he just couldn't shut up. He knew the lore behind every place we went - urban legends most of it - but he treated it like sacred knowledge or something, always rambling on about it. He's such a geek."
Cas chuckles softly and Dean finds he enjoys the sound, rare as it is. "It probably isn't most people's idea of fun - staying in cheap motel rooms and eating junk food – well Sam ate salad - but we did have a hell of a time - even with Sammy being an asshat. And then he went off to college of course - but at least he got to have some real fun first." Dean finishes as Ash arrives with their food.
"Oh, that looks awesome." he says when Ash sets the bacon cheese burger on the table.
"You bet it's awesome." Ash says with a grin as he sets down Cas' double cheese burger. "We don't serve anything but awesome." he adds, before wandering off to the kitchens.
They both tuck in and Dean can't quite stifle the contended groan at the taste of the perfectly grilled burger. It's almost as good as one of his. Cas' eyes widen a bit at the noise and he realizes it's a bit rude, so he tries to quiet down.
They eat in a comfortable silence for several moments, but Dean can tell Cas is thinking something over, almost weighing his words as he picks at his fries. "Alright-out with it, Cas" Dean finally snaps, growing a bit irritated with Cas' distant expression.
Cas starts a bit and ducks his head apologetically before saying "It's simply - well, you've told me a fair bit about Sam, but nothing about yourself. And this entire process is supposed to be about you." Cas says nothing more and simply watches him as if fearing he's overstepped a boundary and is awaiting Dean's reaction.
Dean takes a sip of Coke to avoid answering before snarking "I'm an Aquarius, I enjoy sunsets, long walks on the beach and frisky women – oh and my mom used to sing Hey Jude to me as a kid. Happy?"
He hadn't meant it to come out quite so harsh, but if there's one thing he doesn't like it's people prying into him. They never like what they find. He expects Cas to get angry or drop the subject but Cas surprises him.
"I'm very sure that there is more to you than a fondness for 'frisky women' and sunsets, Dean." Cas says in a measured tone that almost has an edge of challenge to it. The certainty in his words shocks Dean because no one has ever doubted that he's a shallow, womanizing grease-monkey until now.
"Yeah? And what more do you think there is?" Dean demands in a harsh whisper, beginning to feel strangely exposed as Cas does some sort of freaky soul stare at him.
"I think you have a bright soul, Dean and for some reason you try to hide it. You can't, however. Especially when you speak of your brother and your affection for him shines through." Cas answers, leveling him with an intense look.
Dean shifts a bit uncomfortably and takes a gulp of Coke wishing it was something stronger. He's not used to this. It's like this guy actually likes him. Actually thinks he's a good person whose worth something and it twists at Dean's stomach a bit.
He's not worth anything, never has been. Sammy's the good one. Sammy's the one he's worked to support, because he's the one who is worth it. Sammy's the one who will actually amount to something. Not him.
"Bright soul?!" Dean growls "I let my mother burn!" he rages in a broken whisper. He's not entirely sure why he says this, but he supposes it's because he wants to shock Cas. To scare him away from the conversation. To scare Cas away from him. But Cas isn't budging.
His gaze does soften though, into something that Dean almost thinks is pity. But when he looks again he realizes it's simple compassion and a knot forms in his stomach. "I don't understand." Cas murmurs after a moment and Dean knows it's a request for more.
He also knows that if he really wants he can tell Cas to fuck off and Cas will probably listen. But he doesn't, he can't. The rage and agony of the memories are pumping through him and he finds the words tumbling from him in a fury "Our house caught on fire in the middle of the night. The smoke woke me - I could smell it and it burned my mouth and eyes and then everyone started screaming."
Cas' hand twitches as if he's going to reach across and touch Dean, but he doesn't and Dean continues "My dad came running in and told me to take Sammy outside - he couldn't even walk then - so I grabbed him and I ran. I didn't even ask where my mom was. I get outside and she isn't the-re" he chokes a bit on the last word, but continues
"So I drop Sammy and run back in there to find her - She's stuck at the top of the stairs and they're burning up - and I'm trying to get to her and I'm screaming for her and-" a dry sob rises in his throat and he forces it down, drawing a deep breath.
Cas makes no move to silence him or comfort him. He simply watches and waits, letting Dean get it all out.
When Dean speaks again his voice is cold with self-loathing "I couldn't get to her. I wasn't looking like I should've and one of our curtains burned off the rail and fell on me - I ran out of there screaming. If it hadn't been for a fireman I probably would've died - he grabbed me up and put me out."
The silence is deafening and Dean waits. Waits for Cas to gush with pity. Waits for Cas to suddenly become awkward and look at the table or suggest they leave. He waits for a look of revulsion. But it doesn't come. None of the usual reactions come.
Instead Cas gaze remains steady, though there's a hint of confusion. "You think her death is your fault?" There's honest to god disbelief in Cas' voice and it knocks Dean back for a moment. It's always been his fault. Everyone knows it. Even Sammy blames him, he's sure. John certainly did.
"Damn right it's my fault!" he snaps "I should've gotten in their quicker. Or I shouldn't have run outta there like that - I shouldn't have failed her." he shakes his head and adds with a disgusted imitation of a laugh "That's all I've ever done with anyone I care about."
He looks Cas straight in the eye, almost challenging him to disagree. Cas does. "Failed her? Dean, you couldn't have been more than five years old at the time. Do you honestly believe that as a kindergarten student you should've been able to do what a fireman couldn't?"
It's a good argument but Dean refuses to listen. His only response is a stony silence, so Cas continues "Furthermore you are not a failure, Dean. Your mother died, which I take to mean you had to assist in raising Sam. You have done an admirable job. He's in law school and is a happy man. What more could you have done?"
It's freaky, how Cas puts things together. He didn't just help raise Sammy - he practically did it all himself. But he doesn't say that. He doesn't talk about the times when John was too drunk to work. He doesn't talk about the nights he failed to feed Sam more than some chips because that's all he could afford with the change he scrounged up.
He doesn't talk about the fights John and Sam used to get into or how he failed to make them get along. He doesn't talk about how he failed to talk John out of driving drunk and ending up a bloody wreck in a twisted lump of metal that was once an SUV.
Instead he shakes his head and says "No. I could've done better."
Cas is about to speak, but Dean can't take anymore and shouts "Dude – check!" summoning Ash to their table.
Cas settles back from his former position of arms folded on the table and reaches for his wallet. Dean's about to snap out a protest but Cas anticipates this and says "It's an expense of the show. The company will cover it."
Dean nods and swallows down the last of his Coke before standing, leaving Cas to settle the check.