Title: No Advanced Warning
Author: Darkstarspanky aka Carter
Summary: SG-1 gate to a planet with Ancient technology. With this technology, they get themselves into a rather...interesting situation.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Anything that happened previous to "Heroes I & II"
Disclaimer: Not mine...yadda, yadda, yadda...I only own the SG-1 DVDs and a shipload of tapes...
Author's Note: I'm so sorry I didn't update yesterday! My wrist was really bothering me, and I couldn't type! Thank you, Nimloth-n-Andunie for telling me about the anonymous reviewer thing! I feel like an idiot for not knowing about that. Though I am wondering, did you delete your review? 'Cause it's not there anymore.... Thanks to CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur, Sci Fi Fan Gillian, SG1-Fanfic, and Mishy-mo for your reviews! I might have to space out the updates a little more, I might be suffering from writer's block. Damn.
Sam's POV
You know, I really do love it when you wake up in the arms of a guy you like...unfortunately for me; I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. It wasn't because he was snoring, since he doesn't actually snore. And I'm thanking God for that right now. I guess it was because I had this nightmare that Pete was really Anubis and he had come back to kill Jack and me for ruining his life. So I guess he didn't have that mask on the keep in his "essence". It was more a disguise.
But Pete is dead. He has to be. Please let him be dead. Oh crap, if he isn't...he's the boyfriend that won't die! Now that scared me. Usually when a guy that has feelings for me dies, he dies protecting his planet or something. Well, except Martouf, he died being evil...but that wasn't my point. I ramble when I'm half asleep. Now I know why Jack can't even put up with it during briefings. I probably do it on missions too.
So I'm sitting here, in the dark, wrapped in the arms of my favorite colonel, having thoughts about all the guys that have died around me. Oh yeah, it's a wonderful life I have. It's enough to give Thor nightmares. Do Asgards even have nightmares? I guess that would be my point, if he doesn't have them now, my life would certainly be cause for them. I think. Lord...I need to shut my brain off. Where's the damn switch?!
I let out a big sigh. I guess Jack must have either felt it, or heard it because he awoke not one minute later.
"What's wrong, Carter?" he asked, his tone full of concern.
"Ah...nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
I don't think the guy believed me. Please, I am not in the mood for some talk about my feelings or something like that.
"Carter. Out with it. No games."
He didn't say anything about lies. I decided not to tell him a lie. Funny how a guy can have that much power over you. I never felt that with Pete. Now I'm glad I didn't. Alrighty, the truth it is.
I mumbled it the first time. He obviously didn't hear me. What happened to that super-sensitive hearing?!
"What did you say, Carter?"
"Oi...I said that I had a nightmare about Anubis being Pete and coming to kill me or something..."
"I would offer to give you a hug, but given our current situation..."
It wasn't so bad. I was already in his arms, so he just tightened them around my middle. Well, one of the anyway. We each had one arm sitting on the bed between us, due to those stupid cuffs. So he tightened the one arm around me.
"But really, was that the whole nightmare? Because you deal with stuff like that every day, and you seem fine with it..."
Damn you and your deductive reasoning skills. I guess you actually do pride yourself on them.
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"..."
"Carter!"
"Fine! Okay, well Pete was actually Anubis..."
"Yes, I got that part."
"Well if you don't want me to finish..."
"Alright, tell me already."
"So Pete was really Anubis and he had come to Earth to kill us..."
"Uh...yeah. He always tries to kill us. That's what he does."
"No! That's not what I meant. Of course he always tries to kill us. I meant us." I said as I motioned my hand between us.
"Why would he only want to kill me and you?"
"Because he thought that I secretly loved you and that's why I never wanted to marry him...so he figured he'd get rid of the problem all at once. Then he could take over the planet because the best team wasn't really there anymore."
"Oh...well it was just a dream wasn't it?"
"And if it isn't a dream, then we'll both die because he's a jealous son of a..."
"Bitch."
"Yes."
Good, I don't think he really noticed the part where I said he wanted to kill us because he thought I was secretly in love with Jack.
"Did you say he wanted to kill us because he thought we were secretly in love with each other??"
Typical. He doesn't notice until after I think it's safe. I really would love to smack him right now.
"Actually, I said he wanted to kill us because he thought I was in love with you."
I gave a nervous laugh. Or was it a giggle? It's pathetic that I can't even tell the difference anymore.
"Oh...do you want to try and go back to sleep now?"
Change the subject...thanks. Maybe we will have both forgotten about this by morning. Though knowing my luck, probably not. Bugger.
Apparently we did fall asleep, because we woke up several hours later to the blaring of an alarm clock. Did we even set the alarm clock? I gathered that it startled the hell out of Jack, because he awoke so abruptly that he rolled off the bed, taking me with him.
Ow. Of all the ways to wake up, this was probably not the least painful. When he rolled, taking me with him, I was the one that got to land un- gracefully on the floor while letting out a small scream. I repeat: ow. I have the strange feeling that I will have back problems within the next few years because this keeps happening.
"Ow..."
"Ah...sorry, Carter. I didn't know we had set the alarm."
I grunted out: "We didn't."
"I smell a rat..."
"You know, as nice as this is, I need to get up to pop my back. I think that fall did a little number on me."
Meaning: I think the fact that you fell on me is going to give me back problems later on in life, so get off me!
He got off me and helped me up. I had to do almost a full back bend before I heard anything pop. I felt his eyes on me the whole time. When I got back up I said,
"Gymnastics."
"Oh."
"So...breakfast?"
"Yes. And on the way, I think we need to have a little talk with our favorite Space Monkey."
Heh. "You think Daniel did it?"
"Either that, or Teal'c has developed a much bigger sense of humor than he lets on."
"Let's go then. I think we can make him feel guilty enough with just our facial expressions."
We walked down the hall, with these annoyed looks plastered on our faces. We finally reached Daniel's office/lab. Lucky for him, he wasn't in there at the present time. He was probably going to get his fourth cup of coffee. I swear, if you cut that man, he'll bleed coffee.
"Probably getting his 'first' cup of coffee from the mess hall."
I snickered. He used the little air quotation marks when he said "first".
"I wouldn't doubt it."
So we walked. On our way there, we saw Daniel headed our way. I looked at Jack and we plastered those looks of annoyance on our faces again. As soon as Daniel saw us, he quickly tried to change course and go in the other direction. Yup. It was definitely Daniel that set the alarm clock. But didn't we lock the door after we came in last night? Oops. We didn't. I'll have to make sure I tell Jack about that later.
"Daniel! Come here! We just want to talk to you." I said in a falsely sweet voice.
He slowly turned around to face us. I would have laughed at the look on his face if I weren't supposed to look serious.
"So, Daniel, make any stupid decisions lately?" Jack asked
"I make a lot of stupid decisions, why are asking about anything specific?"
Ha ha. 'I make a lot of stupid decisions' oh yeah, that'll work. I can think of one stupid decision: the time I had the Entity downloaded into my brain. I got my consciousness downloaded into a damn computer, Jack shot me and killed me, and then I had to scream for freakin' long time before anyone noticed me. To say that was just a stupid decision would be putting it mildly. It was an astonishingly stupid decision. Thank you, Daniel.
"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, did you break into anyone's private quarter's last night?"
"Janet told me it was okay!"
"Told you what was okay?" I asked with a raised eyebrow
"What? You weren't talking about..."
Holy crap! I did not need to know about their personal lives! I will wash, but I will never be clean! I think I need to stuff cotton in my ears when around either of those two.
"Ew...we were talking about something regarding an alarm clock..." I said, after recovering slightly from that revelation.
"Oh!" his cheeks turned slightly red, "I didn't do anything."
I snorted.
"Well, not anything regarding an alarm clock, anyway."
"Do you know anyone that would have?"
He looked to his left, "Uh...Teal'c?"
"Mm hmm. Maybe. I guess we'll just have to go ask him a few questions." Jack said.
We left Daniel standing in the middle of the hall.
"He's lying. That little geek did it."
"How can you tell, Sir?"
"A friend of mine was a cop, he told me that when someone looks to their left, they're making up a lie. When they look to their right, it's a memory recall."
"You got that off of NCIS, didn't you?"
"You know me and crime dramas..."
The man never ceases to amaze me. Crime dramas? Of course, I watch them so...
"Are we just gonna let it slide?"
"No. I'm thinking a little bit of revenge..."
"Ooh! I like the way you think..."
"Just don't tell anyone about that...I don't want to ruin my reputation."
"Oh, damn. There goes my little tape I was planning on showing the base: 'Colonel O'Neill: The Thinking Man' oh yeah, that would have been good."
"..."
"Oh-kay...not so funny. At least I'll admit that."
Well, to make up for my bad joke, we'll have to come up with something really good for our return prank on Daniel. Maybe we should get Teal'c involved. I mean, who would suspect the guy of playing pranks? Everyone still thinks he's the stoic warrior. If only they knew...
"Let's get Teal'c involved. No one would suspect him. Maybe Janet as well. I mean, just because she's dating him doesn't mean she would pass up the chance to prank him."
"Time to pay a visit to our favorite doctor. At least this time she won't be poking me full of holes."
Now all we have to do is come up with a brilliant plan and execute it. The diabolical genius of a doctor should help. Along with a tactical genius, a former First Prime, and an equally diabolical and tactical genius of an astrophysicist.
We walked to the infirmary in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.
"Hey, Janet."
"Hi Sam, Colonel. What can I do for you?"
We were acutely aware of all the staff staring at us. Oh yeah...we're still handcuffed together.
"We were wondering if you could help us. Could we go in your office?"
She ushered us into her office and closed the door behind her.
"So, what can I do for you two?"
"What? No questions about our...predicament?" I asked
"No. I'm aware of the reasoning behind those handcuffs." Janet said while not trying to hide her smile. People these days...
"A little help then?" Jack asked.
"No. Not with those handcuffs. But what did you come here for?"
"We're trying to plan a prank on Daniel. We thought maybe you and Teal'c would like to help us out."
"Why are you going to prank Daniel? What'd he do this time?"
"Well, there was this little incident with an alarm clock earlier, and I have a feeling he let this happen to us."
"Yeah. The guy gave us no advanced warning." (A/N: See? I finally put the title in there.)
"Ah. Out for a little revenge, then? I'd start with replacing his coffee with decaf or something he loathes. Then...I'll have to think about this for a moment..."
"So, you're going to help us?" I asked
"Sure. I can never resist a good prank."
"Could we maybe make him think he's dying? Then he'd do a lot of really stupidly embarrassing stuff, then we tell him it was a joke?" Jack asked
"I don't know. It might be a little too much. He'd probably die of a heart attack before the prank ever really got started. Besides, he's already died too many times. He's always come back, so he might think he's invincible. Then he actually would die." Janet said
"Well, we could always make him think he'll be playing the bad guy again in the training scenario. At least he got shot that time." Jack said, probably reminiscing on how much fun that part was.
"We have to think of something funny, that isn't too dangerous. I doubt General Hammond will be too happy if we killed a member of his flagship team." I said
"We could always go with the trick they used in high school." Jack said
"What would that be, Colonel?" Janet asked
"They break into the guy's locker and pour a whole lot of green Jell-O into it."
"Sir, they never did that at my high school."
"Okay, well they used it at mine. Give me a break."
"We could actually use that...make him think that's all we're gonna do to him. Then hit him with the big stuff." Janet suggested.
"Good idea...I like it. Of course, getting our hands on all that Jell-O will be pretty hard. I guess we'll have to use more colors than just green. We'll stuff it in his locker. But we'll have to take out anything important. Copy it and put those copies in. He'll freak out, thinking all of his important information is ruined." I said
I snickered again. Oh yeah, this should be loads of fun. Everyone will probably think we're being too harsh on him. It was only an alarm clock. My excuse is don't mess with hormonal teenagers. They're hell-bent on revenge, and they'll get it. Go us!
"Start with the coffee and the Jell-O. Now, go talk to Teal'c and see if he has any ideas. Oh and Sam, see the nurse on your way out." Janet said
"Sure...and what for? There isn't anything wrong, is there?"
"You'll have to ask the nurse."
"Fine! I'll go. Gosh." I said, feeling a tad irked.
"Major Carter, I was looking at your record and it seems that you're due for a tetanus shot."
"Uh...what?"
"Yes, it seems you were due for one months ago," she looked at me, trying to hide her laughter, "Even if you weren't, at your current age you are due for one."
I'm going to get this witch fired. This is not funny! I can't believe Jack is just standing there, not helping me at all. He was actually smiling. Ugh. Men.
"At my current age? You mean my real chronological age, or the body I'm in now, Lieutenant?" I said, emphasizing her rank.
She dares to laugh at me, and thinks she'll get away with it? Fat chance.
"Uh...either age," she cleared her throat, "Ma'am."
Good. She remembers whose boss.
I gave her one look, and then I just walked out of the infirmary, Jack hanging at my wrist. I bet I didn't even need a shot. It was probably Janet being a double agent. Nah, I can trust Janet. Hopefully.
"So, shall we search for Teal'c and recruit him for our daring plan?" Jack asked after I dragged him out of the infirmary.
"I guess so. I can't really see why not. I can't believe you."
"Uh...why?"
"She was making fun of me, and you just stood there! Hell of a CO you are."
"Carter!"
"I don't think I'll apologize this time. It's true. I mean, you could have at least told her to shut up or something."
"Eh...I thought it was funny."
"I know, that's why I'm so mad. I would walk out on your right now, but the problem is...I'm still handcuffed to you. I hate my life right now."
I had to complain to someone, and lucky for me he was right there.
"What? Is it so bad that you're stuck with me?"
I think I may have actually hurt his feelings. And now I feel bad. I really want to scream! Lie, Carter, lie!
"No...it isn't that bad."
Damn it! How is it that I can never lie to this man?! Crap, this sucks!
"Then what is your problem?"
"Uh...female problems?"
Maybe he'll actually believe that one.
"Nice try."
Or maybe not.
"So, let's go find Teal'c."
Changing the subject always works. At least for him it does.
"Alright, Carter. If you don't want to tell me what's wrong..."
No! Not the guilt trip. I must not fall for it. If I know what's going on, then I won't fall for it. Please, don't let me fall for it. Again.
"At this point, no I don't want to tell you what's wrong."
He looked the other way, "Thank you, Lord..."
"What?"
"Huh?"
"You just said 'thank you, Lord'..."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
Yes, I did. Damn that mouth of mine. I need duct tape! Where's the duct tape when you need it? Seriously. I need that duct tape. What has this device done to me? I'm like a five year old when it comes to shutting up. If we don't fix this soon, I'm going off the freakin' deep end.
Diversionary tactics: big fat zero. Stick to original plan: deny, deny, deny. If all else fails, run like hell! Oh, wait. That won't work. I'm handcuffed to the thing I'm trying to get away from. Damn.
"Uh...no I didn't?"
"You did."
"Can we just drop it?"
"Uh...okay?"
"Okay."
Good boy. I swear to God if I just said that out loud, I'll kill myself right now with that fire ax by the elevator.
So, we were off to find Teal'c and recruit him for our "daring" plan. Gee, I feel like I'm back in high school. And I'm not going to lie. I'm loving every minute of it.
A/N: Like I said, I'm so sorry for it taking so long. It took me around five hours to think of this chapter. That's really slow for me. But I'll try and continue! Tell me what you think. Like it? Don't like it? Think it should be banned from this site? Let me know! I'm not sure how long this story is going to continue...so who knows? It may end up being twenty chapters. That would be a long story...er...anyway, thanks for all the reviews I've gotten so far!
Later,
Darkstarspanky aka Carter
Author: Darkstarspanky aka Carter
Summary: SG-1 gate to a planet with Ancient technology. With this technology, they get themselves into a rather...interesting situation.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Anything that happened previous to "Heroes I & II"
Disclaimer: Not mine...yadda, yadda, yadda...I only own the SG-1 DVDs and a shipload of tapes...
Author's Note: I'm so sorry I didn't update yesterday! My wrist was really bothering me, and I couldn't type! Thank you, Nimloth-n-Andunie for telling me about the anonymous reviewer thing! I feel like an idiot for not knowing about that. Though I am wondering, did you delete your review? 'Cause it's not there anymore.... Thanks to CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur, Sci Fi Fan Gillian, SG1-Fanfic, and Mishy-mo for your reviews! I might have to space out the updates a little more, I might be suffering from writer's block. Damn.
Sam's POV
You know, I really do love it when you wake up in the arms of a guy you like...unfortunately for me; I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason. It wasn't because he was snoring, since he doesn't actually snore. And I'm thanking God for that right now. I guess it was because I had this nightmare that Pete was really Anubis and he had come back to kill Jack and me for ruining his life. So I guess he didn't have that mask on the keep in his "essence". It was more a disguise.
But Pete is dead. He has to be. Please let him be dead. Oh crap, if he isn't...he's the boyfriend that won't die! Now that scared me. Usually when a guy that has feelings for me dies, he dies protecting his planet or something. Well, except Martouf, he died being evil...but that wasn't my point. I ramble when I'm half asleep. Now I know why Jack can't even put up with it during briefings. I probably do it on missions too.
So I'm sitting here, in the dark, wrapped in the arms of my favorite colonel, having thoughts about all the guys that have died around me. Oh yeah, it's a wonderful life I have. It's enough to give Thor nightmares. Do Asgards even have nightmares? I guess that would be my point, if he doesn't have them now, my life would certainly be cause for them. I think. Lord...I need to shut my brain off. Where's the damn switch?!
I let out a big sigh. I guess Jack must have either felt it, or heard it because he awoke not one minute later.
"What's wrong, Carter?" he asked, his tone full of concern.
"Ah...nothing. I just couldn't sleep."
I don't think the guy believed me. Please, I am not in the mood for some talk about my feelings or something like that.
"Carter. Out with it. No games."
He didn't say anything about lies. I decided not to tell him a lie. Funny how a guy can have that much power over you. I never felt that with Pete. Now I'm glad I didn't. Alrighty, the truth it is.
I mumbled it the first time. He obviously didn't hear me. What happened to that super-sensitive hearing?!
"What did you say, Carter?"
"Oi...I said that I had a nightmare about Anubis being Pete and coming to kill me or something..."
"I would offer to give you a hug, but given our current situation..."
It wasn't so bad. I was already in his arms, so he just tightened them around my middle. Well, one of the anyway. We each had one arm sitting on the bed between us, due to those stupid cuffs. So he tightened the one arm around me.
"But really, was that the whole nightmare? Because you deal with stuff like that every day, and you seem fine with it..."
Damn you and your deductive reasoning skills. I guess you actually do pride yourself on them.
"Well..."
"Yes?"
"..."
"Carter!"
"Fine! Okay, well Pete was actually Anubis..."
"Yes, I got that part."
"Well if you don't want me to finish..."
"Alright, tell me already."
"So Pete was really Anubis and he had come to Earth to kill us..."
"Uh...yeah. He always tries to kill us. That's what he does."
"No! That's not what I meant. Of course he always tries to kill us. I meant us." I said as I motioned my hand between us.
"Why would he only want to kill me and you?"
"Because he thought that I secretly loved you and that's why I never wanted to marry him...so he figured he'd get rid of the problem all at once. Then he could take over the planet because the best team wasn't really there anymore."
"Oh...well it was just a dream wasn't it?"
"And if it isn't a dream, then we'll both die because he's a jealous son of a..."
"Bitch."
"Yes."
Good, I don't think he really noticed the part where I said he wanted to kill us because he thought I was secretly in love with Jack.
"Did you say he wanted to kill us because he thought we were secretly in love with each other??"
Typical. He doesn't notice until after I think it's safe. I really would love to smack him right now.
"Actually, I said he wanted to kill us because he thought I was in love with you."
I gave a nervous laugh. Or was it a giggle? It's pathetic that I can't even tell the difference anymore.
"Oh...do you want to try and go back to sleep now?"
Change the subject...thanks. Maybe we will have both forgotten about this by morning. Though knowing my luck, probably not. Bugger.
Apparently we did fall asleep, because we woke up several hours later to the blaring of an alarm clock. Did we even set the alarm clock? I gathered that it startled the hell out of Jack, because he awoke so abruptly that he rolled off the bed, taking me with him.
Ow. Of all the ways to wake up, this was probably not the least painful. When he rolled, taking me with him, I was the one that got to land un- gracefully on the floor while letting out a small scream. I repeat: ow. I have the strange feeling that I will have back problems within the next few years because this keeps happening.
"Ow..."
"Ah...sorry, Carter. I didn't know we had set the alarm."
I grunted out: "We didn't."
"I smell a rat..."
"You know, as nice as this is, I need to get up to pop my back. I think that fall did a little number on me."
Meaning: I think the fact that you fell on me is going to give me back problems later on in life, so get off me!
He got off me and helped me up. I had to do almost a full back bend before I heard anything pop. I felt his eyes on me the whole time. When I got back up I said,
"Gymnastics."
"Oh."
"So...breakfast?"
"Yes. And on the way, I think we need to have a little talk with our favorite Space Monkey."
Heh. "You think Daniel did it?"
"Either that, or Teal'c has developed a much bigger sense of humor than he lets on."
"Let's go then. I think we can make him feel guilty enough with just our facial expressions."
We walked down the hall, with these annoyed looks plastered on our faces. We finally reached Daniel's office/lab. Lucky for him, he wasn't in there at the present time. He was probably going to get his fourth cup of coffee. I swear, if you cut that man, he'll bleed coffee.
"Probably getting his 'first' cup of coffee from the mess hall."
I snickered. He used the little air quotation marks when he said "first".
"I wouldn't doubt it."
So we walked. On our way there, we saw Daniel headed our way. I looked at Jack and we plastered those looks of annoyance on our faces again. As soon as Daniel saw us, he quickly tried to change course and go in the other direction. Yup. It was definitely Daniel that set the alarm clock. But didn't we lock the door after we came in last night? Oops. We didn't. I'll have to make sure I tell Jack about that later.
"Daniel! Come here! We just want to talk to you." I said in a falsely sweet voice.
He slowly turned around to face us. I would have laughed at the look on his face if I weren't supposed to look serious.
"So, Daniel, make any stupid decisions lately?" Jack asked
"I make a lot of stupid decisions, why are asking about anything specific?"
Ha ha. 'I make a lot of stupid decisions' oh yeah, that'll work. I can think of one stupid decision: the time I had the Entity downloaded into my brain. I got my consciousness downloaded into a damn computer, Jack shot me and killed me, and then I had to scream for freakin' long time before anyone noticed me. To say that was just a stupid decision would be putting it mildly. It was an astonishingly stupid decision. Thank you, Daniel.
"Well, I was thinking more along the lines of, did you break into anyone's private quarter's last night?"
"Janet told me it was okay!"
"Told you what was okay?" I asked with a raised eyebrow
"What? You weren't talking about..."
Holy crap! I did not need to know about their personal lives! I will wash, but I will never be clean! I think I need to stuff cotton in my ears when around either of those two.
"Ew...we were talking about something regarding an alarm clock..." I said, after recovering slightly from that revelation.
"Oh!" his cheeks turned slightly red, "I didn't do anything."
I snorted.
"Well, not anything regarding an alarm clock, anyway."
"Do you know anyone that would have?"
He looked to his left, "Uh...Teal'c?"
"Mm hmm. Maybe. I guess we'll just have to go ask him a few questions." Jack said.
We left Daniel standing in the middle of the hall.
"He's lying. That little geek did it."
"How can you tell, Sir?"
"A friend of mine was a cop, he told me that when someone looks to their left, they're making up a lie. When they look to their right, it's a memory recall."
"You got that off of NCIS, didn't you?"
"You know me and crime dramas..."
The man never ceases to amaze me. Crime dramas? Of course, I watch them so...
"Are we just gonna let it slide?"
"No. I'm thinking a little bit of revenge..."
"Ooh! I like the way you think..."
"Just don't tell anyone about that...I don't want to ruin my reputation."
"Oh, damn. There goes my little tape I was planning on showing the base: 'Colonel O'Neill: The Thinking Man' oh yeah, that would have been good."
"..."
"Oh-kay...not so funny. At least I'll admit that."
Well, to make up for my bad joke, we'll have to come up with something really good for our return prank on Daniel. Maybe we should get Teal'c involved. I mean, who would suspect the guy of playing pranks? Everyone still thinks he's the stoic warrior. If only they knew...
"Let's get Teal'c involved. No one would suspect him. Maybe Janet as well. I mean, just because she's dating him doesn't mean she would pass up the chance to prank him."
"Time to pay a visit to our favorite doctor. At least this time she won't be poking me full of holes."
Now all we have to do is come up with a brilliant plan and execute it. The diabolical genius of a doctor should help. Along with a tactical genius, a former First Prime, and an equally diabolical and tactical genius of an astrophysicist.
We walked to the infirmary in silence, each lost in our own thoughts.
"Hey, Janet."
"Hi Sam, Colonel. What can I do for you?"
We were acutely aware of all the staff staring at us. Oh yeah...we're still handcuffed together.
"We were wondering if you could help us. Could we go in your office?"
She ushered us into her office and closed the door behind her.
"So, what can I do for you two?"
"What? No questions about our...predicament?" I asked
"No. I'm aware of the reasoning behind those handcuffs." Janet said while not trying to hide her smile. People these days...
"A little help then?" Jack asked.
"No. Not with those handcuffs. But what did you come here for?"
"We're trying to plan a prank on Daniel. We thought maybe you and Teal'c would like to help us out."
"Why are you going to prank Daniel? What'd he do this time?"
"Well, there was this little incident with an alarm clock earlier, and I have a feeling he let this happen to us."
"Yeah. The guy gave us no advanced warning." (A/N: See? I finally put the title in there.)
"Ah. Out for a little revenge, then? I'd start with replacing his coffee with decaf or something he loathes. Then...I'll have to think about this for a moment..."
"So, you're going to help us?" I asked
"Sure. I can never resist a good prank."
"Could we maybe make him think he's dying? Then he'd do a lot of really stupidly embarrassing stuff, then we tell him it was a joke?" Jack asked
"I don't know. It might be a little too much. He'd probably die of a heart attack before the prank ever really got started. Besides, he's already died too many times. He's always come back, so he might think he's invincible. Then he actually would die." Janet said
"Well, we could always make him think he'll be playing the bad guy again in the training scenario. At least he got shot that time." Jack said, probably reminiscing on how much fun that part was.
"We have to think of something funny, that isn't too dangerous. I doubt General Hammond will be too happy if we killed a member of his flagship team." I said
"We could always go with the trick they used in high school." Jack said
"What would that be, Colonel?" Janet asked
"They break into the guy's locker and pour a whole lot of green Jell-O into it."
"Sir, they never did that at my high school."
"Okay, well they used it at mine. Give me a break."
"We could actually use that...make him think that's all we're gonna do to him. Then hit him with the big stuff." Janet suggested.
"Good idea...I like it. Of course, getting our hands on all that Jell-O will be pretty hard. I guess we'll have to use more colors than just green. We'll stuff it in his locker. But we'll have to take out anything important. Copy it and put those copies in. He'll freak out, thinking all of his important information is ruined." I said
I snickered again. Oh yeah, this should be loads of fun. Everyone will probably think we're being too harsh on him. It was only an alarm clock. My excuse is don't mess with hormonal teenagers. They're hell-bent on revenge, and they'll get it. Go us!
"Start with the coffee and the Jell-O. Now, go talk to Teal'c and see if he has any ideas. Oh and Sam, see the nurse on your way out." Janet said
"Sure...and what for? There isn't anything wrong, is there?"
"You'll have to ask the nurse."
"Fine! I'll go. Gosh." I said, feeling a tad irked.
"Major Carter, I was looking at your record and it seems that you're due for a tetanus shot."
"Uh...what?"
"Yes, it seems you were due for one months ago," she looked at me, trying to hide her laughter, "Even if you weren't, at your current age you are due for one."
I'm going to get this witch fired. This is not funny! I can't believe Jack is just standing there, not helping me at all. He was actually smiling. Ugh. Men.
"At my current age? You mean my real chronological age, or the body I'm in now, Lieutenant?" I said, emphasizing her rank.
She dares to laugh at me, and thinks she'll get away with it? Fat chance.
"Uh...either age," she cleared her throat, "Ma'am."
Good. She remembers whose boss.
I gave her one look, and then I just walked out of the infirmary, Jack hanging at my wrist. I bet I didn't even need a shot. It was probably Janet being a double agent. Nah, I can trust Janet. Hopefully.
"So, shall we search for Teal'c and recruit him for our daring plan?" Jack asked after I dragged him out of the infirmary.
"I guess so. I can't really see why not. I can't believe you."
"Uh...why?"
"She was making fun of me, and you just stood there! Hell of a CO you are."
"Carter!"
"I don't think I'll apologize this time. It's true. I mean, you could have at least told her to shut up or something."
"Eh...I thought it was funny."
"I know, that's why I'm so mad. I would walk out on your right now, but the problem is...I'm still handcuffed to you. I hate my life right now."
I had to complain to someone, and lucky for me he was right there.
"What? Is it so bad that you're stuck with me?"
I think I may have actually hurt his feelings. And now I feel bad. I really want to scream! Lie, Carter, lie!
"No...it isn't that bad."
Damn it! How is it that I can never lie to this man?! Crap, this sucks!
"Then what is your problem?"
"Uh...female problems?"
Maybe he'll actually believe that one.
"Nice try."
Or maybe not.
"So, let's go find Teal'c."
Changing the subject always works. At least for him it does.
"Alright, Carter. If you don't want to tell me what's wrong..."
No! Not the guilt trip. I must not fall for it. If I know what's going on, then I won't fall for it. Please, don't let me fall for it. Again.
"At this point, no I don't want to tell you what's wrong."
He looked the other way, "Thank you, Lord..."
"What?"
"Huh?"
"You just said 'thank you, Lord'..."
"No I didn't."
"Yes you did."
Yes, I did. Damn that mouth of mine. I need duct tape! Where's the duct tape when you need it? Seriously. I need that duct tape. What has this device done to me? I'm like a five year old when it comes to shutting up. If we don't fix this soon, I'm going off the freakin' deep end.
Diversionary tactics: big fat zero. Stick to original plan: deny, deny, deny. If all else fails, run like hell! Oh, wait. That won't work. I'm handcuffed to the thing I'm trying to get away from. Damn.
"Uh...no I didn't?"
"You did."
"Can we just drop it?"
"Uh...okay?"
"Okay."
Good boy. I swear to God if I just said that out loud, I'll kill myself right now with that fire ax by the elevator.
So, we were off to find Teal'c and recruit him for our "daring" plan. Gee, I feel like I'm back in high school. And I'm not going to lie. I'm loving every minute of it.
A/N: Like I said, I'm so sorry for it taking so long. It took me around five hours to think of this chapter. That's really slow for me. But I'll try and continue! Tell me what you think. Like it? Don't like it? Think it should be banned from this site? Let me know! I'm not sure how long this story is going to continue...so who knows? It may end up being twenty chapters. That would be a long story...er...anyway, thanks for all the reviews I've gotten so far!
Later,
Darkstarspanky aka Carter