Disclaimer: KH and all that stuff belongs to Nomura-san. Heh, this is getting repetitive…

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Not That I Care

5

Sweeter Than Pain

Is this the real life?

Is this just fantasy?

--Queen

It's not like Axel wanted to do it.

Well, okay, that doesn't make sense. He had to want to do it, otherwise he wouldn't have done it. But then again, he didn't think about wanting to do it any more than he thought about the actual execution of the "it." They tell him he hardly ever thinks about what he does, and most of the time he's inclined to agree with them. Like flipping mashed potatoes in Xaldin's face that one time—he certainly didn't think about doing it. That just kind of happened, to everyone's lasting dismay.

The problem is, the Potato Incident didn't mean anything. This, though—yeah, this means something. Saving lives with total disregard for his own; how can that not mean something? The thing with Demyx, that doesn't really count. The poor guy was totally swamped with Heartless—there were lots of them, but they were the lower-level types, so a quick mini-firestorm set things straight. No danger to Axel at all. Plus, Demyx didn't deserve to eat it so soon in the game. Neither did Roxas, Axel supposes, and maybe that has something to do with it.

Though it's still not the same.

Pondering this is making Axel's head hurt as much as the rest of him. After a long nap and some bandages and a lot of painkillers, death is no longer a threat—but wounds like that don't heal in a day.

At least I have coffee, Axel thinks, staring into the black liquid and absently rubbing his shoulder. It's late afternoon—though who really gives a damn, it's always night here. The cafeteria is empty. Axel likes it here. It's quiet, which sucks, but it's got food, and no one ever comes in here to bother him, except to eat. When the rest of them need some alone time, they either go to the labs or the library. Which has never made sense to Axel, since it's not exactly alone time if the rest of the whole damn Organization is with you. Not that Axel cares. Screw the library and screw the labs.

Confusion and pain tend to make Axel rather irritable.

So why save him? Axel asks himself again. Why nearly die to save a guy who doesn't even like me? Not like it matters whether a Nobody lives or dies. 'Cept me, of course, cause really, I'm just too cool to kick the bucket.

Roxas isn't exactly anything special. Well, yeah, he inexplicably has his own Keyblade, he's a Nobody with no memory of who he once was, he fights like he was born to kill Heartless and, really, his eyes are really quite lovely when you overlook the fact that—well—he's a guy. All that is good and interesting. But he's as cold and distant as the rest of them, and his attitude is really irritating. The Superior says they're a lot alike, but Axel only sees it in that wicked grin Roxas gets sometimes when he's fighting. And in his defiance. He's like a cat; one of the ones that ignores you and pees on the rug and leaves dead mice on your kitchen floor.

Though even cats come around when they need to be fed. Maybe that's it. Everyone has a weakness; a flaw; a need. Roxas tries so hard to hide his, that little crack in his shell—his uncertainty and confusion and pain. He pretends that the amnesia thing doesn't bother him, but Axel doesn't miss the look he gets when Roxas is thinking about it; he doesn't miss the fact that Roxas wanders the halls at night, as if searching for something he has misplaced. He uses his distant, defiant attitude as a shield—hides inside himself. Axel is the same way. He understands.

How very dramatic, Axel thinks and drains his coffee. Poor, sad little Nobodies.

Axel tosses the mug against a wall and smiles at the sound effect. He likes the sound of breaking. He likes noise.

"What did the mug ever do to you?"

Axel looks over his shoulder, which makes him wince, and sees Roxas leaning against the doorframe. He has abandoned the Organization coat—for once—and is back in the white and black clothes.

"It insulted me," Axel says in an indignant, girly tone. "It called me fat."

Roxas raises an eyebrow, something Axel tries to do in the mirror when no one's looking. Roxas makes it look easy, damn him.

"'Anorexic' would be closer to the truth," Roxas says. "Do you ever eat?"

It occurs to Axel that this is the first time Roxas has ever come to him to talk. Usually Axel has to hunt Roxas down. This is an interesting change.

Cats always come around eventually, Axel thinks. I should nearly die more often.

"I eat plenty," Axel says. "You shouldn't insult your savior, you know, you'll upset my wounds."

Axel is pleased to see Roxas's eyes go distant at that.

"I see you've survived, though," he points out.

"I'm Axel," Axel says, as if that explains it.

Roxas is watching him with that look, the look he gave Axel when he realized Axel had Darkside claws in him.

"Listen—"

"Don't."

The last thing Axel wants is for the kid to go all mushy on him. Axel saved his life, period. He doesn't want to think about it anymore. Roxas stares at him for awhile, and Axel stares back, but eventually Roxas just shrugs.

"Heads up," Roxas says, walking into the cafeteria. "I think Xaldin and Xigbar are on their way here. I saw Luxord and Marluxia, too."

Just what I need, Axel thinks, and his mood darkens. Out loud he says, "As long as Vexen, Xemnas and Saïx stay away, I'm good."

Roxas is getting a soda from the fridge and Axel sees him pause, ever so slightly, at the mention of Saïx.

Thought so, Axel thinks, but he says nothing.

Roxas sighs over the contents of the fridge. "Why do we have no real food here?"

"TV dinners are real food."

"They're plastic food."

"We're Nobodies. We can't cook."

Roxas glances up at him before tearing a hole in the plastic cover on the TV dinner and shoving it in the microwave.

"So what can we do?" Roxas asks, staring at the microwave light.

"Kill things," Axel answers. "You shouldn't watch the light, you know, it melts brain cells."

"That's just a myth," Roxas scoffs.

Axel laughs a little, drawing a bemused look from Roxas. This is conversation they're having. It's a conversation about microwave lights and plastic food, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

"What's funny?" Roxas asks, glaring at Axel.

"Nothing. Anyway, it's not like you have anything to compare it to. The food, I mean. You can't remember anything else."

"Yes," Roxas says in a sharp tone, his gaze returning to the microwave. "I'm aware of that, thank you, Axel."

Axel grins at him, though Roxas isn't looking. The microwave beeps and Roxas reaches in and pokes the food with a spork. He sighs in a way that's almost depressing.

"Undercooked."

"Throw it against the wall."

"Is that your solution for everything?"

"Yes. But really. It's noodles, right? If it sticks, it's done."

Roxas shakes his head and pulls out the meal anyway. "What are you, four?"

"Nineteen, actually," Axel corrects in a mocking tone. But then something occurs to him. "Well, no, wait—I can drink, so I must be twenty-one. At least. Not that that's ever stopped me. I mean, I was nineteen when I was became a Nobody, but that was…"

Roxas sits down with his food and gives Axel that same bemused expression. "You don't know how old you are? That's kind of sad."

"Shut up," Axel snaps. "Neither do you."

Roxas narrows his eyes and starts into the meal, huffing.

Axel groans. This is worrying. "I was nineteen when I got here, so that's…and there's the drinking thing, so I must have been here at least two years, right? But it feels like longer. Three, four years?"

"You tell me," Roxas mutters. He's closed himself off again.

I can't remember, Axel thinks, and he runs his fingers through his hair. How long has it been? Years, right? But how many?

"I don't know," Axel says after awhile.

Roxas looks up from chasing around a noodle. "What?"

Axel isn't looking at him. "I don't know how long I've been a Nobody."

Damn it, he thinks. Freaking pathetic.

"That's not so bad."

Axel looks up at him, confused. Roxas is smiling. He's actually smiling. Not the mad little "I'm gonna freaking kill some Heartless, hell yeah!" smirk he gets. A real smile.

"I'd rather remember the real things," Roxas says. He seems to realize that he's looking at Axel and his gaze returns to his food. Though the smile doesn't leave his face. "Emotions. Memories. Family and friends and stuff. I'd rather remember those things than all this." He stops eating and his smile fades. He props his chin on his hand. "Life like this doesn't feel real. Like it's fake. Like something's missing—and it is, literally, I suppose. I don't know. Do you feel that way?"

Axel thinks about the ache in his chest, that constant, annoying little reminder that his mere existence defies reality.

"I don't feel anything, remember?" Axel reminds him. "I get it, though." Axel pauses and then smirks, giving Roxas a pointed look. "So you'd rather forget all this, huh? You'd rather forget allllll about poor Axel. Aw, I feel so loved. So this terrible pain—" Axel rubs his shoulder for effect. "—all for nothing. Axel is always so very unappreciated."

Roxas snorts to conceal a laugh. "I couldn't forget someone like you even if I tried," he says, and taps the side of his head. "You told me to get it memorized, remember? You only freaking tell me four times a day."

"That's right. 'Axel is the coolest, bestest, awesomest—"

"—most annoying—"

"—person I will ever meet.' Commit it to memory."

"What is with you and that catchphrase?" A new voice asks, and Axel turns. Xigbar, Xaldin and Luxord are walking into the cafeteria with Marluxia in tow. Xigbar is watching Axel with an amused look.

Always in the nick of time. Axel puts on a grin. "Well, all you old folks are getting so senile, it's my job to remind you of everything, isn't it? Repetition, repetition."

"Really? I always thought it was just 'cause you're a total retard."

"Or a victim of an unfortunate verbal impediment that forces you to say everything twice," Luxord adds.

"Well, you have to admit," Marluxia says, digging his hands into his pockets. "The lot of you aren't exactly, shall we say, in bloom anymore."

"See, even flower-boy agrees with me. And he never agrees with anyone."

Marluxia chuckles a little. He's an odd ball, that one. Always has his opinions, always has new ideas for different directions the Organization might take. It would piss off the higher-ups if it weren't for his smooth politeness, or the fact that Xemnas likes people who question—so long as they don't question him, of course. The guy certainly knows how to argue a point; how to convince people. He was probably a lawyer before.

Axel has never trusted lawyers.

Xigbar finally notices Roxas. "Dude, the bean sprout's even here! Corrupting the youth, Axel? Nice one."

"Actually I was leaving," Roxas says coolly, getting to his feet. Axel watches him.

"You were?"

"I'm finished," Roxas says, tossing out his half-eaten TV dinner.

Xigbar laughs. "Apparently even his stomach is small."

Roxas shoots him the characteristic glare and walks out without another word. Axel stifles a sigh. Xigbar, Luxord and Marluxia sit down at the table while Xaldin shoves a handful of TV dinners into the microwave. Xigbar looks at the doorway.

"You think the bean sprout can shoot lasers out of his eyes?"

"Maybe Xaldin scared him away," Marluxia says, glancing over his shoulder at the larger man.

"I can't help it," Xaldin says in his bear-like voice, watching the microwave. "I'm a scary person."

"Not the kid, though," Xigbar, shaking his head. "For a new fish, he's pretty damn fearless."

"Cocky," Luxord corrects absently, fiddling with a deck of cards. "Teenagers are all the same."

"But I hear you saved his little butt this morning," Marluxia says, looking at Axel. "So even our fearless new fish has his limits. You know, you shouldn't go around saving people, Axel. If they're weak, they don't deserve to be saved. Think of Demyx."

"Demyx killed a Behemoth by himself not long ago," Xaldin says. He sounds a bit grim. But then, Xaldin always sounds a bit grim.

"Battle is just a matter of luck, like everything else," Luxord says, drawing a card.

"He's the new guy. Plus, he's already a good fighter. Give him time. Be running circles around the old folk in no time," Axel says, looking at Marluxia.

Xigbar laughs. "Well this is new. Axel actually defending someone."

There's a beep as the microwave goes off.

Luxord shakes his head. "Axel, you of all people should know better than to make excuses for failure. Especially when the failure is someone else's."

There's a loud crunch and the snap of electricity. Everyone looks up. Xaldin has put one of his spears through the microwave.

"Melted it," he says through his teeth, glaring at a hunk of black nightmare in his hand. The smell of burned potatoes and melted plastic fills the cafeteria.

"Because you're supposed to take the plastic cover off, you dumbass!" Xigbar says.

"Xaldin one, microwave zero," Axel says, laughing.

Marluxia takes his head in a hand. "That's the second one this month."

"Want me to stab you too, flower-boy?" Xaldin glares at the dead microwave. "Machines should work. They're created to work. Things should do what they're meant to do, dammit."

No one says anything. Sometimes, Xaldin just needs to stab something. Axel figures they all do, in one way or another.

There's the sound of running feet in the halls and Vexen rounds the corner, eyes bright, hair frazzled, face red from exertion. Not attractive.

"Xigbar! Xaldin! Luxord! Breakthrough! I've made a breakthrough! Creating a memory lapse with increased efficiency based on ascending floor levels—I need your help, now—this might be it!"

Xigbar scrambles over the table, Xaldin dashes for the door and Luxord rises elegantly from the bench and follows.

"And not us?" Marluxia asks, rather indignantly.

Vexen barely gives them a passing glance. "What use have I for a pyro and a flower-boy?" He grabs Xigbar's shoulder. "It's amazing, I think I've finally got it…"

And with that, the four are gone.

Axel whistles and leans back from the table. "Scientists. Freaking wackos. Luxord's not even one of them, but now he's all buddy-buddy, like Saïx."

Marluxia is staring at the doorway, not really listening to Axel. Not that Axel cares.

"You know the thing about flowers, though?"

Axel isn't really listening, either. "Eh?"

A slow smile spreads over Marluxia's face. "Their looks are always, alwaysdeceiving."

-------

"I'm bored."

"Yes. I'm aware of that. You've said so only…" Roxas counts on his fingers. "Twenty-six times…in the past hour."

"Wow. Almost once every two minutes. Hm, I'm losing my edge." Axel makes a frustrated sound. "All these Heartless around for days and days and now nothing? I want action. Excitement. Life-or-death struggles. Gratuitous violence. Where aaaaare they?"

"I've noticed that every time you complain about how boring things are, something terrible happens to us," Roxas says, pointing his Keyblade at Axel. "Xemnas says the Heartless are settling down, preparing for the end—all on their way to Hollow Bastion and beyond, I think. Or something."

"And it's always the hot places," Axel whines. Yes, it's whining, he'll admit it, though it's only because he knows Roxas hates it. He slumps a little for effect, as if the heat is a physical weight on him. "He really is trying to off us."

Roxas sighs and swings his legs, kicking the side of the ledge they're sitting on. All around them the air can't seem to decide whether it's a gas today or a liquid. Animals call from within the walls of green and brown that make up the jungle. They're a mile or so from the camp they saw, deeper within the green. Axel watches absently as a brightly-colored parrot flaps over their heads.

"How's the shoulder?" Roxas asks.

"Eh?" Axel puts on a show of acting hurt. "Words cannot describe the pain, my friend, for it is beyond human comprehension. I am pained even more by your lack of compassion and sympathy."

"Virtually healed, in other words."

"Virtually," Axel says, sitting up straight. "I'm thirsty. It's a rainforest, but I don't see water anywhere."

"Demyx could find some."

"He'd even build the well and the purification system. Unfortunately he's not here. Because he's smart like us and got away before Vexen could come begging us to be his guinea pigs."

"What are they so excited about, anyway?"

Axel rubs under his nose. The humidity is doing a number on his sinuses.

"Some big experiment. Vexen is building a castle somewhere, kind of like Never Was. Except he's synchronizing his little lab rat to the castle so that she can screw with the Keyblade Master's memories when he comes along."

Roxas gives him a blank look. "Why?"

"How should I know? I just work here."

Axel lies backward and looks up at the sky through the canopy of leaves. The very air is shimmering with the heat. The sky is pale blue, speckled with clouds like fleece. If it wasn't so hot, Axel could get used to this place. It smells nice. Not much food around, but that can be remedied. Plus there's a jungle, and really—who doesn't like a jungle? A jungle just screams "explore me." Axel never really outgrew the childish desire for exploration. For discovery. For something new.

"What were you doing before you became a Nobody?"

The question catches Axel off guard. He raises his head a ways.

"Huh?"

Roxas gives him a soft look. That's the only way Axel can think to describe it—soft.

"I have no memory of it. So I was just wondering…I mean, you had to have a life before you became a Nobody. Right? So who were you? What were you doing?"

Before. Back then. Back when they were all real. Not a topic the others tend to bring up very often. Thinking about that time only makes the ache worsen. Talking about it makes it become a real, physical pain. You get to thinking about what you've lost, about what you'll never have again, about what you'll miss out on for the rest of your sad little life.

They all have their sob stories. Xemnas and the higher-ups were promising scientists. Some of them had families. Marluxia sold orchids and supposedly had a girlfriend. Demyx was in college, in a band that was really going somewhere. They had lives; they had futures.

Remembering only makes the loss of it that much worse.

"Who was I?" Axel repeats, looking away. "What was I doing?"

He thinks about the night the Heartless came. About how not a second went by that you didn't hear a scream from the streets. About the creeping dark things that slunk between the buildings, hid in the alleys to leap out at the unsuspecting, about their glowing eyes as they peered in through the windows. About rushing back to his family's house, only to find the windows smashed, the door knocked in, things broken and strewn across the floors, and the only people he'd ever really given a damn about going to dust before his eyes while Heartless fought over the pink hearts, all that was left. Axel is pretty sure he lost it then and attacked the Heartless with nothing but his fists, though he doesn't remember much. There was pain, lots of pain when the Heartless finally overwhelmed him and got what they wanted. Then darkness.

The funny thing is, waking up hurt more than dying. Life hadn't been kittens and birdsong, not with a family like Axel's, but hell—it was life. Death was supposed to be an escape, but the Heartless didn't even grant him that.

Axel turns back to Roxas and puts on a grin. "Nothing special."

Roxas gives him a look that's somewhere between disappointment and acceptance that Axel will say no more. He smiles a little and nods.

"So no different than you are now, in other words."

Axel looks skyward again and then sits up.

"Let's go find a monkey."

Roxas does a rather brilliant double-take. "What?"

"Let's go find a monkey," Axel repeats, jumping off the ledge. "It's a jungle, isn't it? There's supposed to be monkeys everywhere. I wanna see a monkey. Come on, don't you wanna see a monkey?"

"But we're supposed to be—"

"Ah, screw the mission. Nothing's coming anyway," Axel says, looking around as if double checking. "Let's just go for a walk and find a monkey."

Roxas stares at him, but he seems to be considering it. "I've never seen a monkey before…"

"See? See? You are a sad and pathetic little boy who has never seen a monkey. I mean, come on! Monkeys!" Axel extends a hand toward him, palm up, and he smiles. "Let's go find ourselves a monkey."

Roxas smiles in a what-the-hell sort of way and slides off the ledge.

"Fine. Monkeys it is."

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They walk with their weapons hidden. It's not as easy to move through a jungle as they make it out to be in the adventure movies, and weapons just hinder the process.

"Next time, we bring a machete," Roxas says as a waxy green vine threatens to strangle him.

"Keep an eye out for that ape man," Axel says, ducking to avoid branches. "He's lovey-dovey with the girl back in that camp. It's best if no one knows we're here."

The ground is thick with moist soil and decaying vegetation. Everything smells like flowery life. Thunder cracks the air in the distance. Axel grins despite himself. It's a freaking jungle. Axel loves it.

"Did you know that about ninety percent of what lives in a rainforest can kill you?"

"Bullshit," Axel says, distracted by a caterpillar with spines like a sea urchin, colored bright blue.

"Alright, I made it up, but really. The rainforest is a lot more dangerous than anyone realizes. I mean, the bugs alone can kill you."

"You read too much. It makes you negative."

Roxas doesn't answer, but Axel hears him sigh.

There's a loud whooping sound from the forest and the two Nobodies stop short.

"You think that was a monkey or a bird?"

"How the hell should I know?"

The canopy above them rustles and something brown darts between the leaves. It's gone before Axel can make out what it is. Thunder crackles again and rain starts to fall. The forest looks almost dreamlike through a thin mist.

"You know, aside from having to wear these coats in the 115 degree weather, it's pretty nice here," Axel comments. The rainforest has a vibrancy that the World That Never Was will never have. And yet this place is similar in many ways, caught between light and dark, life and death. Axel looks at his feet; even that dying, decaying vegetation—it's what gives the forest its life. Life from death, light from dark, like there's no separation.

I'm unusually philosophical today, Axel muses. Stop that.

Axel starts walking again, but then he notices that Roxas isn't moving. Axel looks back at him; the kid is standing as if frozen, staring at something off to their right, a few yards off the ground.

"What?" Axel thinks of his chakrams. "Heartless?"

"Shh," Roxas says, and nods forward. Axel follows his gaze. A medium-sized, brown monkey is sitting on a low branch, its tail dangling in the open air, watching the pair with a dark, curious gaze. Axel knows nothing about monkeys, so he has no idea what species it might be—hell, is it even a monkey, or an ape, or what?—but that doesn't really matter. It's a monkey. Its fur is reddish-brown except for a small patch of white on one leg, and it seems to be clutching something to its chest. A leaf is protruding from the corner of its mouth.

Axel says nothing for awhile, watching the monkey watch them, ignoring the rain sliding down his neck. The monkey shifts and Axel realizes that it's holding a tiny baby monkey in its protective grasp. Axel can't help a smile.

"See?" he says. "Isn't this better than Heartless?" He turns to Roxas, but Roxas obviously hasn't heard him. Roxas is staring at the animal with a wide, intent gaze, as if he's trying to take a photograph and imprint the image on his brain.

Wow, Axel thinks. Roxas doesn't look like a jaded Nobody with a bad attitude. He looks real. He looks like himself, like how Roxas should be—all the pretense and falsehood gone, the mask slipped, Roxas laid bare to reveal the actual person under it all—Roxas as just a teenager watching a monkey and its child with that awed gaze, as if the sight is the most amazing thing he has ever seen.

Axel feels something in the place where his heart should be, like pain but sweeter. He smiles.

"I've never seen a monkey before," Roxas says in a soft voice, his eyes still glued on the monkey. The animal finally seems to register them as not a threat and disappears around the tree, climbing like a squirrel with its baby still in one arm.

Roxas finally blinks and he breathes, the way you do after some kind of epiphany. He looks at Axel, and though the mask is back up Axel can still see the person just beneath.

"This was a good idea."

Axel grins. "I know it was." He pauses. "I'm just a genius, what can I say? Who doesn't like monkeys?"

"Did you see the baby?"

"I did."

"We need to come back here."

"We do," Axel agrees. "You're an interesting person, did you know that?"

"What?" Roxas blinks, confused. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"You're not like the others."

Roxas looks upset at that. "Saïx thinks so too."

Ah, so that's what it is. "It's not a bad thing," Axel says. "Being different. Especially in this crowd. I mean, they're all so…boring. But you're cool. And that's a good thing."

Roxas looks like he's hiding a smile.

Axel looks skyward. "Roxas, are we friends?"

Roxas gives him a strange look. "I don't know what that means."

"Well, in our case, what with the whole no-heart thing, I guess it means you like someone more than you hate them."

"Or it means you can go look for monkeys with them and not feel like an idiot?"

Axel laughs. "Yeah."

"Then maybe we are friends," Roxas says, shrugging. "Not that I'd really know."

Axel is silent for awhile. Silence with Roxas isn't like silence with the rest of them. It doesn't have the same weight, the same oppression. Silence with Roxas is…alright.

Axel smiles to himself. He's been doing that a lot lately.

"Jungles have lions, don't they? Should we go find a lion?"

"They don't have lions. They have jaguars. Even if we looked for one, we'd never find one. They're scarily good at hiding. Plus they can, you know, kill people."

"Well. Never hurt to try, huh?" Axel says, and he walks off through the curtains of green and mist. Roxas joins him and they walk side by side, searching.

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Well, Chapter Five is finally up. Sorry it took so long. The first week of college was hectic, what with the woes of moving in and figuring out schedules and classes. But it's all good now. I hope this chapter is as good as the others. It's a little angstier than the others, but who doesn't like a little angst? It's kind of unavoidable with these two.

Chapter Six hopefully won't be as far apart as Five was from Four, but there is college and homework to consider. In any case, I have no intention of dropping this—I don't like to leave things unfinished, and I'm so grateful to you, those of you that read this and like it, that I couldn't bear to do that to you.

Again, thanks for reading! Don't hesitate to point out things that can be fixed. Especially since I introduced a whole bunch of Org. members in this one. Some of these guys get so little time in the game that it's hard to characterize them. And for Marluxia, all I can do is use my limited knowledge of the CoM game. So I hope they're okay.

Feedback is candy for my soul!